okay so here we are not new, but feels new something i felt but wish i knew i say i’m okay, but i’m not i’m frayed here we are, is it again? not bad, but feels bad sometimes good but it’s so sad i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay i’m okay you say you’re okay but you’re not you’ll just say it you’re either in me or far away is that okay? are you okay? is that okay? are you okay? is that okay? are you okay? is that okay? are you okay? i’m not okay

vuil vuil meisiekind fok jou bokkie ek’s a leeu vuil vuil meisiekind fok jou bokkie ek’s a leeu vuil vuil meisiekind fok jou bokkie ek’s a leeu vuil vuil meisiekind fok jou bokkie ek’s a leeu ek’s a leeu ek’s a leeu ek’s a leeu ek’s a leeu ek’s a leeu

pain the kind that’s every day like weaves of broken glass wrapped like skin around everything bleeding out my want of anything the edge of that climax i reach for relief and there it was ready to touch me the nothing(ness) i needed.

i’ll feel differently about you there’s less oxygen with grief then you’ll reach out unexpectedly breathe words into that feeling and i’ll exhale with relief riding on the psychic plain. there i come. i need some reassurance. i need some reassurance. i need some reassurance. i need some motherfucking reassurance. riding on the psychic plain. there i come.

my alone time, and you’re never gonna get it this is my alone time, and you’re never gonna get it i’m tired of having to justify my need to just be quiet and i’ll admit i wasn’t good at that with you either when that quiet fell over your eyes, i got scared i was worried i was being erased from your mind so i’d fill up time with questions. are you okay? are you fine? and my heart can hold onto a number of truths and realities and while i find myself regretting things less there’s still this nagging feeling maybe you just needed some alone time and i was too afraid to give it to you? maybe i just needed some alone time but i was too afraid to take it? our closeness started suffocating but baby i want you to know, that in my quiet moments i almost never feel alone

oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good. oh damn. oh damn you look so good.

i’ve been extracting messages from my nervous system it’s been telling me its secrets it’s like no no no no no no no no no no i don’t want to be perceived. i don’t want to be perceived look at me look at me. i don’t want you to perceive i don’t want to be perceived. i don’t want to be perceived look at me. look at me. i don’t want you to perceive these jewels on my eyes like my security system it’s been telling me your secrets you’re like oh no no no no no no no no no eyes all over my body scanning for threats eyes all over my body body body. eyes all over my body i can see you when you look at me look at me look at me look at me i don’t want to be perceived. i don’t want to be perceived look at me. look at me. i don’t want you to perceive

ons staan voor die rollie en ek voel te bang maar my maag is baie seer en my bene voel lam ek is elf jaar oud en ek het begin bloei maar ek wil nog steeds gaan wil nie FOMO he nie wat de fok is vout met jou? ek’s net a cry baby ek kannie help nie julle ry lekker skree lekker. my trane val lekker ry lekker skree lekker. my trane val lekker. my trane val lekker. my trane val lekker ek’s net a cry baby. cry baby. cry baby. are you disappointed in me? a little cry baby CPTSD, my little recipe omit my own needs hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it hold it in til i’m drowning drowning drowning drowning drowning in it y’s te sensitief uh huh jy’s te freakin soft uh huh you just care too much uh huh you just do too much uh huh just don’t give a...*cries* cry baby cry baby wat maak my huil? kan jy raai baby? raai baby? cry baby cry baby wat maak my huil? kan jy raai baby? raai baby? cry baby cry baby cry baby cry baby cry baby cry baby jou sensitiwiteit is jou grootste fout uh huh jou bangheid is n’ boom meneer, en my hart is n’ woud ek’s net n’ cry baby cry baby cry baby

okay sorry so i had to go they/them needed a break from that man shit all your eyes tell the same secret “i can’t tell you how i feel cuz i also don’t know” well fuck baby, that makes it so reactive in fucking and fighting and needs are either magic or stifling and with my fucking disorganized attachment, like riding roller coasters in thunderstorms mm yes, it means fucking was exhilarating and you took it like medicine, then vitamin supplements where forgetting their purpose means less and less the longer you take it yeah of course i’m quite good with all this pain you’re damn right i know pleasure but baby, that’s not the point guess what i’m saying is they/them helped save me because being with a man is crazy but now you can call me bitch again cuz she’s back and ready to complicate it, like Ocean said somewhere in a fantasy of mine we do this aspirational poly where our love is wrapped up in many instead of just one another but i can’t help wonder if your gaze will fuck that up too like my version of woman is hot until it’s uncomfortable fucking thank you to they/them that kept me safe now i’m your ride or die ally changed to see it in every corner the way that man shit makes loving so complicated when you’re a complication to woman guess what i’m saying is they/them helped save me because being with a man is crazy but now you can call me bitch again cuz she’s back and ready to complicate it, like Ocean said

this last one is a thank you, and a kind of goodbye because i held you in my heart for a year after you lied. where i was embarrassed to be the one struggling with it more, now i feel grateful for how much it all moved me. like how every time i get sad and cry and you tell me how much i changed you. and it’s tough not to feel like i made you better for someone else. but i know, that’s just a childhood love lost finding words in the current. there’s all these things i can do now because of your love. like going to the doctor’s when things don’t feel right. like showing me how to make music in a way that just feels right. you told me that i didn’t need to be any different if anything maybe now you can love me deeper. which you just couldn’t do when we tried to be so many things for each other. and i hate the way i built a life for us in my imagination. maybe it would hurt less if i just moved like you do. but i am who i am and i’ve always craved home. thank you for that one time you told me i should be with the trees and we drove 40 minutes and you told me about taking care of the bees, and with the full moon between the pines you played music with friends and in the house i met women making tea for their men and i loved how i felt different because you never needed me to do that for you. until we lived together, and you became that guy. i did everything. a job. and i was sick all the time. which you resented, because sickness meant standing still. which i guess you liked when you were tired but you were alive again after resting with me in my world and you wanted to go out and do things and find other people. thank you for buying us that shit car that we’re both still paying for but i can’t even regret it because it freed me. thank you for those nights we drove around in Navan listening to our jams or Doja or Dua, smoking weed, and dreaming. for showing me off to your friends and going camping and shaving my head. i hate that you broke my heart and i don’t know if i can ever forgive you but i will try my best. i tell my friends it’s worth it and you’re so good with aftercare and they always say the same thing, why do you need so much aftercare with him? i know these lines won’t capture half of what i feel but maybe when i perform it i’ll make it sound different each time, adding lines. thank you for the strawberry cheesecake when you couldn’t tell me you were with someone new. even my broken heart is sweeter for breaking it for you. in love we were magic maybe in friendship, we can do better