My Secret Blog

I confess to you my readers that yes... I have another blog! I started one a few months ago, it involves a secret obsession I have, in fact it is one of the things Dave and I bonded over. He has had a liking for this, ummm shall we say... hobby for years as well. Okay perverts get your minds out of the gutter, it has nothing to do with chains, leather, sex, or anything to do with being gay. No I'm not telling you what it involves and no I'm not telling you the name of my other blog, mostly because you will laugh at me and also because I want to keep them separated. I talk about a hobby of mine but I do not talk about myself, I just did not want to get into the whole being gay and having a boyfriend and it is not the type of thing where you will find many gay people, or so I thought, I was just keeping it simple. How cool is this, I am starting to slowly attract readers, the second person who contacted me with a similar blog is a gay man living with his partner, I have not told him yet about myself and maybe I never will, also a woman who follows my blog then listed another blog she reads as well as mine, it is about a lesbian couple getting into the same hobby. That is so cool, watch out straight people...we are EVERYWHERE and we look just like YOU! Well for the most part that is, I mean there are a few lumberjacks in high heels.



P.S. Fuck you Dr Phil you dumb ass! Sorry had to get that off my chest.

My Blog Anniversary

Today I was thinking of writing in my blog about a few things on my mind, when I realized that today is the one year anniversary of this blog! Wow, a year already, it sure went by fast. I was looking back at some of my earlier posts and I can see where I have grown in many areas of accepting my sexuality. I had made email friends with some people in blog land already, they told me it is a good way to get things off your chest and also a way to meet other people in the same boat, I thought "I would like to try this." I remember writing my first post, my heart was pounding, I was so nervous, I thought what if people read my post and tell me to shut up and get out of the closet, what if they say I am betraying my gay brothers and sister by hiding, what if they think it is childish. Then I relaxed and figured go ahead and try it, if no one likes what I have to say, they just won't read my blog. It all started with this post called 'Awakening'. I am still learning to deal with my feelings and coming out, I still find it hard but I feel so different from the lonely, isolated guy who wrote that post a year ago.

Say Its Not So

Not this again. I was about to post a silly blog as I was in a silly mood until I happened to check out Birdie's site. However the wind was completely knocked out of my sails by what I read. It seems that one of my favourite blogs Cooper's Corridor then later Nico's Niche is a total fraud! There is no 'Cooper', it was a 52 year old woman who was stealing other blog writers posts. I commented on Birdie's site that to me it almost feels as if Cooper and the boys were killed and are no longer with us. I am just so saddened (plus really f***ing shocked) that something so beautiful turned out to be false. Not this again, when I first started reading blogs I was tricked into believing the blog about the gay man who was dying of cancer, I was feeling down for almost a week when he supposedly died, then it turned out to be totally fake. I am really questioning who is for real and who is not, and what about the blogger he was dating for a while, was that a second blog by the same lady or someone in on the joke, helping to trick us. You can read more on this at Birdie's site as she has links. If there is really a 'Birdie', I mean crap who knows anymore! O_O (Kidding Birdie)

I did often wonder how such a young man was able to adopt two boys as it is hard even for couples to get children in Canada. I guess that is why you never saw a picture of him with the boys together. From what I can understand the boys were real but were her grandchildren, but then again can we believe that. Who was the handsome young man in the picture I wonder. I can't help feel so betrayed, I am thankful I never really connected to this blogger, it would have hurt too much to find out the truth. The only blog writers I trust at the moment are the guys I have actually talked to. I kept telling two of my close blog buddies that my tracker is picking up something funny, some of the different bloggers who visit my site, have the same IP address.

I have to say if by chance the 'Cooper' person reads this post, it is okay sweetheart, I don't wish any bad thoughts towards you, I think you needed something from us and I don't know the reasons why you choose to go about it in such a dishonest way but you did give me many smiles over these months and there were days when you lifted my spirits, so I honestly hope you find what ever healing you need to be completely well, as I think there is some sort of decent person hiding in there. Just don't do this again please, as you have slightly damaged my faith in people.

Why Blog?

I usually do not do memes, I prefer to write when something is on my mind and I feel memes are not inspired. I find most to be too cliche and so I am just not interested in doing them. Over the last few months, some were sent to me and one of the questions I often see is "why do you blog?" There are many reasons why I started to blog but the main one was to help myself come out. Like some sort of cheap therapy where you people listen to me whine and complain instead of paying a shrink, plus at least you guys respond! I heard in therapy they just nod their head and say "hmmm" or "I see". I would not know however, because I never had to go to therapy, just wanted to be clear on that, nope nothing wrong with me... I think. Getting back to 'why blog' well I felt trapped in my own mind before I started to come out and sometimes I needed to see my thoughts or emotions out in the open. It was a release and also very comforting to have many people tell me that they were going through, or had gone through the same thought processes while coming to terms with being gay. Sometimes saying something out loud, changes how you view it compared to hiding it away.

Another reason was that I had become familiar with the blog community and saw how supportive everyone was to each other. I really had the need to connect with other gay men or people who were gay friendly. I had created isolation for myself and felt very alone, I needed the reassurance that I was not alone. The blog help me find a network of friends who gave me the courage and self worth to begin the coming out process. I began to see myself as just a part of society, regarding society as a whole unit, like different races or religions and not as a second class citizen or defective straight person.

I also wanted to blog because part of my courage came from being a lurker for almost two years. I thought since these blogs helped me, then maybe if I write truthfully about the struggles of coming out, maybe I can help someone else in the same position. I also noticed some of my favourite reads had stopped writing and so I felt I should do my part and pick up the torch so to speak.

Everything comes in a circle however and I feel that this blog's time will soon be up. As I said, the purpose of the blog was to help me work through coming out. I am not fully out but I don't think I will push it much more than this, no gay flag T-shirt or anything like that. I sometimes feel now like the blog is becoming a chore and often forced instead of inspired by a need to write. I think it has met it's purpose and there is not much more that I can add without being repetitive. There will always be new people to tell that I am gay, it is part of life. I don't worry about it the way I once did and so it just becomes dull if I always wondered what every new person will think. Regarding my relationship with Dave, most of the 'firsts' and the new-ness is over, from now on it will be a cycle of me going to see him and him seeing me. It would be a little silly to keep writing that we went to another gay bar, party, BBQ or that to get me out of bed, one morning he tossed the cat onto me (yes the brat actually did that)!

It never was my intention to start letting people into my everyday life, I did not want the blog to evolve into that as I am actually a private person. It started to drift that way but I find it hard and feel it is wrong as Dave did not sign up to have his life exposed. He does not complain but I feel it is a bit of a betrayal to his privacy, one of the reasons I do not post a photo of him. I am not saying this is good bye yet but I feel it may happen soon, because of the support and encouragement I have received from so many of you, I felt an explanation was due.