** This is NOT a blog to explain myself, nor to make people trust and believe me. Just that it is the time for me to let go of something again. I actually hope that no one will read this post, especially the person I will be talking about later. So, please… leave this blog alone…
(started : 12.52pm)
2008...
It was a school holiday. I was actually glad that it was a holiday. Cos I am still saddened by the incident one month ago…
“ I’m that kind like once & 4ever person. Ppl around know, when I’m no longer speaking to someone, then that’s it. No matter how ppl try to bring it back, it’s my nature, once things happened to this lvl then it can’t turn back.”
“Nth. Just like broken mirror an never put back as one, after cold war then the situation remains.”
“Even by force putting it back, it is still a broken mirror. So waste no energy to do it.”
My heart was still aching… The wound was deep, deeper than I thought.
1pm…
Arrived at tuition centre. M’s figure caught my attention at once. No, don’t let me see him… I do not know how to face him yet… Please… I remember I was begging in my heart, sweating non-stop. At last he walked pass me. I acted as if nothing happened, as if he’s just a stranger… as if he’s invisible. Yes… it hurts… it hurts to ACT as if nothing happened, it hurts to pretend as if he’s not there…
I went into the class like normal. He went out from the class with his friends like normal. By then, I’ve already noticed K’s presence. He was with his gf like he always did. The feeling was weird… yes… there was once our friendship was like a broken mirror… and there was once that I had to force myself to treat him the way I’m treating M that day. It felt as though history is repeating itself… and that was something that I always pray will not ever happen to me again… but it is happening again… and I couldn’t stop it…
One and a half hour was too much for me to bear. Throughout the class, my mind wandered to few days ago, when K and I was chatting online. It was not a very pleasant conversation. he was doubting my personality… saying he does not know whether he should believe what people say (that I am a fake, two-faced human) or believe me… and he was saying I am pretentious… the conversation wasn’t good… who will think it is good when throughout the conversation everything we talked about were just what other people said about me. And all those are bad ones, none is good. But I consider that as a good start for a new friendship… to know each other once again from the beginning.
At last, the class ended. As usual, my friend and I stormed out of the class to catch the train. Everything was normal until the moment I received an sms…
“What is M’s phone number?”
I was shocked to receive this sms from K. I myself for one had deleted M’s hp number a month before, out of anger, out of disappointment. I checked the “saved item” in my phone… and found M’s number at last. Out it went… I sent it over to K.
Few minutes later…
“Pls make sure tat
I had no idea what had happened. My heart was raging… with anger… with disappointment… actually I don’t even know feeling was that. I just remember everything came too fast… I could not even digest the fact at all… I kept thinking what happened, but to no avail… I tried to ask K for more info but was bombarded with sms after sms… full of anger… full of hatred… That’s when you can see a cow fighting with a cow. (ppl wit Taurus sign are stubborn like cow. Me is a Taurean. When a Taurean met with a Taurean, WW3 starts)
“Who told him bout everything of us? Who? I’m damn angry. He use *my gf* as his asking tool to ask me. U noe wat he askin? Sumthing meaningful. He ask me got lik u anot. Is *my gf* appearance make me dun lik u. I think u r d 1 shud answer him. But not me.”
“U duno I also duno. I dun lik to quarrel. Today whole day mood got spoilt cos of him. After arriving *tuition centre*. Tat stupid M askin *my gf* did she ask me. Den said will wait for her answer. Said *my gf* shud ask in order to more understand me. Make me angry. He was
I was thinking hard… why M wants to know about all these… he had just indicated earlier that me n him are not even friend, just strangers. Why on earth he asked about my past, what was on his mind? Questions after questions flooded my brain… questions without answers…
What I did??? All I remember was… last time when M n I was still close, I told M one day when we were chatting about the topic “best friends”…
“I have one best friend… no one knows we were very close because in school we did not even talk to each other. When meet each other just smile as a sign of acknowledgement. Weird hoh? Don’t know ler… though in school like strangers, but we sms and tell each other problems… solve them… chat and support each other…”
“now leh?”
“don’t know since when me n him suddenly din sms liao lor… last time in school meet will say hi or at least smile de. But now meet each other like total strangers. Reli strangers lor. Pretend as if din see each other, as if both of us were invisible. Haihz… don’t know lah…”
It was hard. Really hard… to control my emotions at the moment… I was walking really fast… hoping that I could reach my destination without meeting M or K. My mind was spinning with possibilities of K running after me, giving me a slap and scolding me badly… or even confronting me, scolding me in front of everyone… too many possibilities… and I did not want any of them to come true… no… when I finally reached my destination, my mind was still turning, trying to figure out the answers for my questions… I ended up breaking down. I actually consider myself tough enough to bear all these and not breaking down in front of everyone. What I need was not sympathy… I need an answer…
I had no choice but to confront M. I asked him whether he did sms K’s gf. He replied, saying “no, I don’t have her number”. After cooling down for a while… I settled down with a very pathetic, begging-for-mercy sms to M…
“U know how hard only K and I start sms again or not… U know how hard only my friendship with him just wana return to normal again… No… *** *** *** never like me before… NEVER… Me and him were just close frens… Just frens… Wat r u thinking… asking *K’s gf* things lik dis? U noe wat K said? He said he hate me. Now you sure very happy… Seeing me suffer causes happiness in your heart right? If you enjoy making everyone hate me, making me no friends, then do lah what you want… But pls lah. Let me know. I dun wan suddenly got ppl come over to me and slap me with accuses (fitnah) when I dun even know what happen. Ok? Thanks. Night.”
I felt so helpless that time… So I ended up with this sms. (reading back, I just feel myself so worthless that time). No need ask… He did not reply me. Neither was I expecting a reply from him…
After that incident, I really dropped into a deep deep deep hole… I fail to climb back to reality… and I know, if I continue behaving like that, I’ll sure go to Tanjung Rambutan. For a week my mind was blank… I couldn’t think, couldn’t study, couldn’t concentrate, couldn’t react… I isolate myself from the world… just Jay Chou and me… (his songs lah~~~) I suddenly feel so negative. I lost the hope and the will to continue living. I’m just like a living corpse. I no longer know how to smile, angry, sad, disappointed, etc etc… too much thing happened for me to handle at once… worthless Mei Kin… don’t act pathetic… you deserve no sympathy… you are just worthless… that’s why your best friends none stay long…
2005…
“Hah???? You got bf before de ah?? Who???”
I was in F4. Me and my friends were playing truth or dare when my best friend at that time broke the news to us. She is W. We knew each other only during F4 and we got closer and closer…
*** *** ***
That was when I first saw his name. W had written the name of her ex-bf on a piece of paper and showed me. The name sounds familiar, but I had no idea where I saw it before. Somehow, I don’t remember knowing someone by this name actually. I remembered asking W who is tat and even after explaining for many times, I still did not know who is that.
There are few times when me and W passed by a group of guys, and W whispered “neh… that wan… beside xxx wan…”. But each and everytime I did not really notice the guys passing by us. Only after they had gone, W will tell me “That wan mai my ex lah”
One day during recess time… we met the group of guys again. This time, before we passed by them, W hinted to me “notice that guy ah. The one with bla bla bla, doin bla bla bla wan”. I looked in front and caught a glimpse of him. Later, I was told that he was W’s ex-bf. “Oh~~~”
It was school holiday. I was surfing the net, checking through my friendster and there’s a friend request. I saw the name, but wasn’t sure who was that. After thinking and thinking and thinking, it clicked. Ai yo… mai W’s ex-bf lor. Stupid de lah you. Like that also forget.
I accepted the request. Haha. He mai now I mention de K lor… Lut de lah you all… cannot connect between the 2 ppl de meh… maybe this story too complicated, and my English level decline liao, so you all cant get it… sorry lo…
2006…
Don’t know since when also, we started sms. Initially the contents were about W. How is she, got bf or not, etc etc. Slowly and slowly, our daily conversation turned to be our personal problems, wishes, hopes, ambitions, favourite countries, singers, things that happened in school… and the list continues~~~
K is one friend that I told all my secrets to… someone I could seek advices on… and someone to chat when I am feeling bored, happy or sad… he’s one friend that I truly treasure and value…
** No matter how fake someone is, feelings are something that won’t lie. Even if I am a two-faced person, friendship is not something tat I will put on risk, not something that I will play play on. I just don’t understand why people fail to understand… **
My days had never been better… and even if it was a bad day for me, after pouring out everything to K, world is still turning, and I am still living. Everything will be colourful and 晴天 once again… such are 我怀念的 moments in life…
Things started changing after few months. For him, things changes because I started dating. For me, things started changing because of other reasons… reasons that if I say out, people will again criticize me as fake, creating stories and excuses to close my mistakes. But I can tell you. I do not need to do that. Cos I know. No matter how many stories I create, how many 借口 I give, friendship once lost trust means it’s gone… once one side began doubting the other side and listen to others, it will lost its meaning…
I am being fake again. By telling you… when you were my best friend, never once I asked other people to comment on you… never once I talked about you, and hence never once did I say ANYTHING bad about you… no. not even ONCE. Even when people told me you were saying this and that behind me, you were such and such guy, I just listen and forget. I did not mention it in front of you, I did not ask you to clarify. For you, be friends need honest, that’s why you told me what other people directly. But as you said, different people different opinion. For me, be best friends need trust in each other, I will care for his/her feelings as long as I could. You call this fake. I call this “unable to stand seeing my friend sad”.
You said since I started a relationship, I no longer sms with you. But… you did not realize that it is coincidently, at the same time, the sms that you sent me ALL were “W got new bf? He good? Treat her good? Where know? How old? Study what? Do what? How know?”.
Besides her, our friendship does not have anymore topic?
That time my friendship with her was not that close. She was closer to her another best friend, and they often leave me alone. I seldom talked to her, and started mixing more with Adrian and gang. Ended up, I do not know how to answer your questions. It is not that I purposely replied you coolly, is I don’t know the answer. And I was angry of her at that time. That’s why my sms at that time were normally “I dno… you ask her la” “ya gua…”
After that day… you no longer sms me…
Few weeks to one month later, when I sms you again, I was hurt. You told me that we were no longer as close as last time, and during the time that we did not sms, you started sms with R, and now you and her are close friends.
What else I can say/do? I sms-ed you almost everyday, but it is your turn to reply coolly. And you told me “I’m now sms-ing with R”. I know you’ve found your true best friend. I can just feel happy for you… at the same time, you indicated that our friendship was something past, just forget about it. If I let go at that time, I am just not me.
2007…
Started Lower 6. Both me n K were in L6, but different classes. This year, when we meet each other, we did not say hi or smile. Again, remain strangers…
Things got worse when rumours after rumours appeared. To clarify or not, doesn’t matter anymore. What I know is, you did not trust me. You believed what people said. Your “I don’t know. I don’t care” did not show any support for me. They said I’m power crazy, trying to do anything to get posts. People just look at what I did and make a big hoo-hah from that. Cos I’m wei hoong’s sister? I did not depend on my bro to get glamour or famous in F6. how much I suffered cos I am his sister, none of you noe. All u noe is just believe what ppl said. I don’t know. I just feel that being wei hoong’s sister did make ppl keep trying to find my weaknesses and create a rumour out of thin air.
When people started saying “you know wat, mei kin? I think all the upper 6 seniors don’t lik u” in front of me, everyone were behind me spreading all sorts of news. Mei kin try to dominate all coco activities, mei kin wants to rebut kuasa, mei kin wants this, mei kin wants that. Everyone out there say I wan coco for power. I say I wan coco for fun, to release stress, and also for my interest, my own liking. (which triggers ppl to say “neh, see mei kin. She join so much coco activities, now results all drop till like shit. Really padan muka. Who ask her join so much”. But if I were to choose again, I’ll choose the same route. I’ll still join what I joined)
“I think cos of your bro, all seniors like very anti you lor. I dno o… I see is like tat lor. Mayb cos your bro glamour ma, so all seniors dun lik u”
When I faces all sorts of accusations, you told me
“seniors say you, him and him fighting for post. Honestly, bla bla bla”
Once colourful, life turned black and white with even you doubting me. Cant blame you. I was no longer your close fren, no longer you fren even, sometimes I told myself…
I managed to go through my L6 life without any serious head injuries, but with heart and mental disorder. (haha)
2008…
Yeah!!! Congrats!!! U are no longer single and available!
I don’t know whether you noticed it or not. But since you had gf, even forwarded sms also u will not reply (last time whenever I forward u sms, u will forward back another one) when I sms u, u will say “sorry ya, phone no credit, chat next time”. Sometimes I got so disheartened that I told myself you also got gf liao dun wan fren la. I think that was my 1st time thinking bad about you. Haha
Once I saw you at the stairs and I waved at you and said hi, but you did not even pay attention to me. You din see… or do not know how to reply my greetings when your gf is walking beside you?
2009…
One fine day, I decided to sms you… but were sooooooooooo disappointed with your reply…
“you are mei kin is it?”
Should I be happy that you guessed correctly, or sad that my contact number is no longer in your hp list… I really don’t know…
22nd April 2009 (Wednesday)
Bad day… was having bad mood worrying about a useless girl who ran away from home. I went online to look for something to relax myself.
After 29th September 2008, I know you wrote a post on your blog that day. But it is in Chinese, I do not know how to read. I know the post will be a very hurtful one for me… I know…
But today, I thought I was ready for the “surprise”. I found a friend who could help me translate the post. I send line by line to her on msn, and she translate line by line…
still got how many quarell?
if ppl ask me, what relationship between us, i would fail to answer tht question.
i think for so long, yet cant find out the answer. good friend? long time ago mayb yes..
regular friend? we didnt like regular friend...duno, i really duno
a few years ago, we really good friend, though we didnt talk much in school, but we can have each other as good friend when we in phone. because of some matter
last time we would tell each other whenever we have probs...counselling and help each other..but u didnt tell me wat had happened...didnt tell me wat reason and didnt bother me anymore...mayb i shudnt blame u...coz u edi have
when i saw
many ppl told me...u are double sided person...pandai berlakon. but i duno should i trust them or not...now i chose not to know...perhaps every ppl has diff point of view...today's mood very bad...somemore quarell with u...even u say him/her is a pandai mengada-ada person, why u still tell him/her everything???
if any of my language hurted you, I'm sorry.
Whose fault in this incident, I dont want to think anymore
Sorry for posting your whole blog here… after reading the post, I accepted the fact that you are unhappy… if I continue to try save our friendship, you will be suffering… and hence, here it goes…
You said this friendship ended few years ago… that’s for you…
For me, this friendship ended 2 days ago…
Sorry for everything…
If got chance, I really hope everything will change, but I know you’ve let go… and put them all behind you…
M was right… broken friendship is like broken mirror… even by force putting it back, it is still a broken mirror…
Whether you believe it or not, everyday during mother’s day I’ll think of you… every year during your birthday I’ll remember the tune that I created myself from the stone-like hp I had last time…
I know I cant turn back time… and I know you already put everything behind you… but I don’t think so I can… but no worries… even if I cant forget and put everything behind, I also will not find you cos you will be unhappy if I find you… cos it means you’ll have to think back of the past, the history… your life is better den last time, 你比从前快乐… I wont spoil it…
And now… I realize that when something hurts you too badly, being unable to cry out is more suffering than crying out loud…
And when you have any problems that you cant settle, rest assured we looking at the same 天空, I’m still praying for you.
God bless you. Have a happy life.
(ended :3.37pm)
** Chinese words I copy paste from song title de. If wrong den dun laugh ah! ^^ just trying to hav fun! =P **
(Finished editing : 4.15pm)