One word

These questions brought to you by ILTV:

1. Where is your mobile? RAWRRRRRR!!!!! (off to a baddddddd start....LOL)
2. Your significant other? Shopping.
3. Your hair? Messy.

4. Your mother? Absent.
5. Your father? Absenttoo (is too a word!)

6. Your favourite? Solitude.

7. Your dream last night? Oblivious.
8. Your favourite drink? Coffee.

9. Dream/goal? Today.
10. Virtue? Silence.
11. Hobby? People.
12. Fear? Babies.
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Here.

14. Where were you last night? LOL.....There.
15. Something that you aren't? Intimidated.
16. Muffins? PASS!!
17. Wish list item? Littleboat. (uhhuh is oneword!)
18. Where you grew up? A.A.

19. Last thing you did? Pasted?

20. What are you wearing? Grin.

21. TV? Ick!
22. Pets? Thammy!!! :-)
23. Friends? TrustWORTHY.

24. Your life? His.

25. Your mood? Obnoxious.
26. Missing someone? Shopper.

27. Car? Jeep

28. Something you're not wearing? Shoes.

29. Your favourite shop? Drive-thru.
30. Your favourite colour? Black?

33. When is the last time you laughed? 25

34. Last time you cried? Haven't.

35. Who will resend this? Dunno.

36. One place that you go to over and over? Park!
37. One person who emails you regularly? Sister.
38. Your favourite place to eat? Couch.

AND--in case ya missed 'em.....

31. Glass half empty, or half full? Full.

32. Shiver, quiver or slither? Yes! :-)

Some days......

I cannot make myself BE where I am not.

But where I AM--is truly questionable at this moment.




*checking to see where her feet are*


OH yeah......on the carpet in the livingroom in the little yellow house on the corner in Iowa.....in quacking duckie slippers...




GOT it.

k......ummmmm.....today's thought?

We do not belong to ourselves, but to the universe.

No one planned to come into existence; we just happened to find ourselves here.

We are the expressions of a life force whose beginnings are in the forgotten past.

What does this mean on a practical level for how we will live today?

For one thing, maybe we don't need to take ourselves so seriously.

And we certainly are not to judge our existence.

We have a right to be here, just as everyone does.

Amazingly, I still sing........

Or maybe that's "With great humility, I sing......."

TFTD

When we are feeling unloved and depressed and empty inside, finding someone to give us love is not really the solution.--Gerald G. Jampolsky, M.D.

Each of us wants to be significant to someone else.

And we are - we're significant to all the lives we're touching at this very moment.

The emptiness we sometimes feel is a good reminder that the women and men in our lives need our attention.
Too much self-focus fosters our feelings of loneliness, and then with desperation we look to others to fill us up.
The paradox is that we heal ourselves while offering our attention to another who is, by design, on our path.

It is not by chance our lives are intertwined.

And again............. Amen

And tonight's text message fom me read:

She's sleeping with angels tonight--knowing how well she was loved.

Please remember how loved all of you are.

And how well you loved.........

*hugs and warm, peacefilled thoughts to you all*

Dear Lord--Thank You for all the love You wrapped in and around that red headed bundle of energy.
You took awesome care of her while she was on loan to us.
I've no doubt You're taking awesome care of her tonight. ........ Amen

........Amen......

...and the text read...

".....not well..

....bringing her back via ambulance this AM..

...Dr on the way to hospital.....worried she won't make the trip regardless..

....lungs filling up fast...lots of oxygen and still having hard time breathing...

....DNR order placed on her last night....I hope she makes it home to see her kids...."

Dear Lord--I'm a selfish shit. You know what I want........ Amen

Ouch........

Some of us are afraid to show weakness of any kind.

We take our supposed strength as the central fact of our lives.

Over time, we may even come to think of ourselves as indestructible.

We imagine that everything - people, places, and things - can be pounded into place if we come on with enough force.

Think again.

What is strength without a double share of wisdom?

Not so still waters........

Fairy reminder

Our silence can keep us isolated.

"Still waters run deep" may be true for lakes and rivers, but in relationships it is not necessarily true.
Our silence can keep us isolated from ourselves and from those we care about.

In order to grow together, we must let each other know how we think and feel.
Sometimes just saying a thought or feeling helps us see beyond it.
If we keep our thoughts to ourselves, we may get so immersed in those still waters that we nearly drown in them.

A problem kept to ourselves usually grows bigger and more consuming.
When we talk about it, we can work through it and move on to something else.

Choose, one concern, small or large, and express it to someone.

Things that make me happy

....276 days til Halloween.

Thought for Today

Don't worry about comparing what you have to what others may or may not have.

Just concern yourself with doing the best you can do.

Start from where you are, with what you have, and persistently do what you know you must do.

It's all a tad scrambled

Getting to be the voice of reason isn't always a 'fun' task.

It'll be my turn to fall apart--some other time.
Not today.

Not now.

There's enough sadness....enough--

I know there'll be more.

You don't near the end of the journey with someone you've worked hand in hand with 18 years and not feel sadness.

Cancer screams as it wins.
There's no denying its presence.
You see it.
You smell it.

You feel it.

You hear it.....

For today, it's 'voice of reason' time.
It's helping people who've never had to deal in this--to deal, best you can....best they can....

It's putting one foot in front of the other and staying present with opened hands.....and opened heart.

I wish I could say that I suck at doing this.

I don't.

I know how to do this....

I just don't want to have to........

And it's not my turn to fall apart.

Winter Rails

Question of the Week 1/26/09

When you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?

If there's something in front of me, generally it means I'm absorbed in whatever that is.

If there's nothing in front of me--danger, danger Will Robinson!

It means my brain is going and I'm *gasp* ......thinking.

No, that's not always dangerous......but the odds are, if my lips aren't moving and I'm not saying it outside of my head/putting it into black and white--something's brewing.

TFTD

Relax.

Our best is good enough.

It may be better than we think.

Even our 'failures' may turn out to be important learning experiences that lead directly to - and are necessary for - an upcoming success.

Feel the fear, and then let it go.

Jump in and do it - whatever it is.

If our instincts and path have led us there, it's where we need to be.

Icy Waters

Sleeping with Bread

I have a personal tool that I use with my relationships. Since I was one of those who exercised bad judgement in whether or not to advance or retreat in a relationship, it was pretty much required that someone help me set boundaries and know when 'enough is enough', when I needed to do something different on behalf of myself AND the other person.

Is the relationship taking more from me than it's bringing TO me....and am I taking more from the relationship than I'm bringing TO it?

That's the question I get to ask myself--and I still, YET, need help in being objective in answering the darn thing.

I need someone to help me not lie to myself and to look at it from all angles.

A bit of the 'too close' syndrome--I don't 'see' very objectively some moments.
I hear tell that's human......
I can't say that I like that quality much--I'd like crystal clear vision and the decision making that goes with it.

It's not simply the 'physical' bringing that I'm inventorying and looking at.
It's an all encompassing bringing TO me/others.
But it's a question I NEED to ask, over and over and over again.
That little question has helped me maintain decent boundaries and expectations in my relationships--and it forces me to look in both directions and keep track of my part in the relationship.

I have another little inventory that's done at the end of the day specifically in regards to the relationship I have with himself.
That one's been 'tweaked' to reflect the difference in our relationship from my relationship with Joe Blow from Kokomo.......or Suzy Que from Timbuktu, if you must. ;-)
I haven't liked my answers as of late.

The scales have been tipped in my relationships--in ALL directions.

Now, I realize some of that 'scale tipping' is just the normal course of circumstances in my life and in the lives of others--we all let 'stuff' interfere with what we're bringing to relationships...and what we're taking from....

But, on my part--it's been more 'taking from' than 'bringing to'.


Have I spent my energy loving how I want to love, today?
What, if anything, did I let get in the way of that?

Are there things I didn't say/do that I wanted/needed to say or do?
What, if anything, did I let get in the way of saying/doing?

Have I made it clear how graced I am to have the relationship?
What, if anything, did I let get in way of letting that be known?


The questions I get to ask myself have proven invaluable to me--they've helped me form some awesome relationships.
They've given me the structure to actually look at how I'm keeping things between myself and other people on the up and up.
And having people who're more concerned about my life than they are my widdle bitty fragile feelings...absolutely necessary for me. They'll tell me what they see and it gives me the objectivity needed to make the adjustments/set the boundaries/get my rear in gear so things get different.

And they've been needing to get different.

Ain't 'okay' to cheat others--or to cheat me.


This week I'm grateful for the structure I have.....for the awesome relationships they've help me have in my life today....for the clarity.....and for the ability to go back to do things differently instead of hangin' it all on everyone else BUT me.

G-d grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I CAN
And the wisdom to know the difference....... Amen

Cold Morning

Today's dusting

You feel the way you do right now because of the thoughts you are thinking at this moment.

FMI (aka For My Information)

The direct proportion of serenity and peace and happiness I have in my life will be based on the amount of acceptance and peace I will give myself regardless of the circumstances in front of me.

I am at peace with what disturbs you.

They’re your disturbances, your ‘justifiable angers‘--not mine.

As long as you allow them to be the excuse for ‘rights’ to say and do as you will, so shall your ability to be at peace and to be happy be compromised.
No matter what you decide to place on other human beings as ‘their fault‘--your feelings and thinking are yours.

You’d be wise not to expect others to buy into them.

Play with them all you like--embrace them if you must.
But do that knowing they’re keeping you right where you are.
Not other people.
Not the circumstances.

Your thoughts, feelings, resentments and ‘justifiable’ angers are all yours.

In my life--there is no such thing as a ‘justifiable anger’……’justifiable anger’ is just one more excuse to do destructive, angry behaviors so I can turn around and claim to be a victim of those people or those circumstances who’ve ‘stuck it to me’.
I don’t have a ‘right’.

In case no one’s told you before--neither do you.

Take it and claim that you’re ’earned that right’ all you want.
Perhaps this will bring you a temporary, false sense of relief and happiness -- having ‘said it like it is’.

It will not bring you long term peace or happiness.

But you will feel vindicated.





I hope you do.






Love and tolerance of others is our code. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Love and tolerance of others is our code. Love and tolerance of others is our code. LOVE and TOLERANCE of others IS our code.........

How could he not make me smile?!

Fairy reminder

Deciding that every experience can be interpreted as good is no more difficult than believing the cards are stacked against you.

It's a matter of outlook--and no one controls that outlook for you but you.
You are in charge of your outlook.

You can see the humor or the lesson in the situations, or you can feel victimized.

You can't change the situation, but you can respond to it however you decide.

Point A to Point B

For trains.......

For peoples.....

The trains one swings open and shut.

The peoples one......is a very long way down......
(I like the trains one mucccchhhh better......)
(.....mostly cuz I wasn't ON it...LOL)

Today's Thought

Gratitude releases us from a negative attitude.
Deciding to be grateful for our situation, our experiences, our unique perspective, quickly changes our outlook on everything that did happen, on everything that is happening now and on everyone we meet.
Accepting that we are in charge of whatever kind of day we will have forces us to accept responsibility for our joy, which can always be ours--as can our unhappiness.

Fairy Reminder for Today

Reliving past traumas and projecting future ones tire us almost as much as the actual experiences.
We gain nothing from our obsession to dwell on the past and the future.
In fact, we lose a lot.
We lose the message of the present experience when that experience does not get our full attention.

OH!! But you'll be pleased to know.....

Dinner tonight:

Shepherd's Pie and Heinz Baked Beans.

(that'd be of the 'ENGLISH' variety.....)


Rigggggghhhhhhhhhttttttttttt......


(pray for me, please......LOL)

It's a bit like this......

Kinda cold, awfully barren and empty lookin'.......

Nothin'.
That's been the end result of my search for a new WPIML#2.
Nil.
Zero.
Zilch.
Nada.
No takers.


And am I whining?

YES.

Forgive me for being a WOMAN.
And excuse me for being clean and sober this long.
Whatever.....LOL
Those seem to be the two biggest barriers for the one's I've asked.
Though......one was REAL close--just couldn't guarantee the availability to get together TO work with me given his age and the driving distance. (35 minutes.....but truly, I do understand his concern with some of the health stuff he has goin' on....k.....forgiven and still loved!)

Pfooey....
It shouldn't have this feel to it.
*stomping foot*

I am NOT as difficult to work with as I was, onceuponatime.......fact is, I'm pretty darn cooperative. Yeah, yeah.....so I make a lot of noise and fuss--I do it anyway!! What's the problem?!
Oh yeah.....excuse me for being female and for being clean and sober for a while.

*sigh*



Yes, I know I'm a part of the problem.
Me and my expectations, of course.
Me wanting someone who does it like it's been done with me for some time now......
And yaknow...maybe that's not what I NEED today?
Yeah.
Maybe that's NOT what I need today.....

OMG...

WHAT AM I SAYING?!?!

Oh, please--GIMME a whimpy WPIML who I can run around in circles and con!!
NOT!!!

*sigh*

I'll keep looking.
And I'll keep manipulating. LOL Or trying to--cuz.....I do it rather well.


I WILL persevere!

k......I'll persevere UNTIL I get WPIML to feel sorry for me and tell me that he'll just haffta make more trips down and I'll just haffta make more trips up and everything'll be hunky dorey fine!

k......what're the odds of THAT one happenin'.......

*sigh*
Nil.
Zilch.
Zero.
Nada.......

Huh.
Same odds that someone'll actually pick me up and be the local WPIML......
How'boutthat.

Ahhhhhh yes..........

..........and sometimes red, yellow or blue......

*going out into the world ARMED with duct tape of the silver kind*

JUST in case the Big Guy's tied up with bigger things....

TFTD

Quieting our minds conserves our energy..

In the midst of turmoil, we can get quiet.

While trying to make a decision, we can get quiet.
When someone is orally attacking us, we can get quiet.
When we're close to attacking someone, we can get quiet.
When we feel hopeless and unable to go forward, we can get quiet.

Peace will come.

The Butterfly Award

Can I tell you how surprised I was to be gifted this little flutterby?

Very.

I wander in places sometimes. I tend to do that...

One place takes me to another which then takes me to another.

It was via a wander that I landed and stayed in a number of places. This place wasn't any different--and I was just doing what I normally do, of course. I went back to the beginnings......and I came into today, impressed with a few things about the creator....and remained cuz--just cuz!
It's a happy 'remain'....and it's been a delight.

But the pleasure comes in not getting the flutterby, but in being able to hand it over.

And the cool thing about the flutterby is how it lands softly and makes its presence count, even if just for that brief moment of its landing.

Lemme tell you -- there've been plenty here, through this medium.....who've, over and over again, made their presence 'count' in my life.....hugely, vastly.....

Some folks have remained--others have had circumstances dictate their leaving.

Sadly--this is a part of life. I don't like it 'out there' nor am I overly fond of it 'in here'. But I'm told "That's life".

Each and everyone who flitters through leaves their mark, an impression in my life.

I know that sounds fluffy and silly to some, but for me, it's the bottom line 'smush' that's true.

And to each and everyone of you--present today or not....I thank you for your flutterby wings that touch me softly.

(I miss Star and dash and ladyDi....and Ms. Rubyshooz, too. I hope life is treating them as the special people they truly are.)

No.

I didn't watch the inauguration.
I didn't turn on the television or the radio.
I didn't open the internet until this evening.
I've yet to see, hear or read about the doings today.



I spent the day doing what I do every day--lending hope to the broken, giving people tools to use if they decide they want to do things differently...... Loving others exactly as is, no matter where that is--cuz that's what I was designed/created TO do....




See--in my world......change offered, hope offered is always a good thing--but it's only as good as the folks who are willing to set down the old and give something different a try......and loving is required regardless of that willingness.
Day in.
Day out.
Without fail.




I do hold on to hope that the world grew up a bit today......

From a safe distance......train!

Things that make me happy

....breaking frozen bubbles.

....pretty desktop pictures.

....a mushy thank you letter from a happy mom.

....the Oscar Meyer Wiener song.

....vapor trails in a bright, blue, cloudless sky.

....finding an eagles nest.

....slowly consuming four McDonald's french fries.

Yup......Reading book is IN the hallway.....

Not letting other people know what's troubling us causes the problem to trouble us even more.

Sharing what's on our minds with a friend gives that person an oppotunity to help us develop a better perspective.
On the other hand, staying isolated with our worries exaggerates them.

Winter Whites

Question of the Week

What will you do to today because you must?

MUST get showered, dressed and take my hindus endus into the worksite.
MUST call an attorney who wants to argue with me and get a sense of 'feel good' outta trying to trap me into saying something he can twist to meet his need to be 'right'. He's suchhhhhhh fun! *laughing* Bring it on!
MUST take the stupid meds.....cuz apparently they're required..... yuck.
MUST call the boss and apologize (AGAIN) for shooting my mouth off in an angry Friday moment. (meant what I said--didn't haffta say it mean.....)
MUST read stupid contact notes and do the stupid computer stuff that tells the stupid people that they've been read. (yes, it's stupid!)
MUST type that supervision report and get it over to HR.
MUST get stuff faxed over to the central office--dangit that I let that go on Friday.....
MUST run all those stupid reports that needed ran on Friday that I DIDN'T run on Friday cuz I was too busy shooting my mouth off.
MUST buy duct tape.

MUST phone the principal and schedule an Educational Team Meeting.
MUST forget about phoning the principal about that Educational Team Meeting--there's no school today.
MUST forget about getting all those reports written and ran, contact notes read and phone calls made blah blah blah......cuz there's no school today.......'cept for the call to the boss to apologize (AGAIN) for shooting my mouth off......


So.....back to showering, dressing and taking my meds--before taking my hindus endus into the worksite.

Sounds like an easy enough day!

Oh.....and duct tape.......

Yeah yeah......Ms. Attitude Fairy

We can anticipate the day we have awakened to with a feeling of promise or dread.
There will be situations, no doubt, that we'd rather not face.

Petty irritations may shadow us part of the day, but most likely we'll find a few circumstances to laugh over.

We will find more of these circumstances if we so choose.

The attitude we have today will determine the quality of our day.

k.......

......yesterday's adventure might NOTTA been the smartest thing we've ever done.....

Sleeping with Bread

Best thing/worse thing

Excuse me while I do a bit of reflecting--

*thinking*

:-/

*trying that thinkin' jazz again......*


:-/



Hmmmmmm....

It's sortakinda like deadair.

Thoughts--suspended....not forming.......

I can sense them starting to enter and then they suddenly unravel into nothingness before they take shape.

Maybe it's lack of coffee--but I doubt that's true. Since when is Mel known for her 'lack of coffee'?!

Ah.
Perhaps it's (what appears to be) the value judgement on the experience.
So let's just talk experiences for the week.....

No.
Let's just talk ONE experience for the week.....

And let's pick the 4th/5th step.
Cuz I did one (4th step).....and am about to do one (5th step)....
And I'm of the belief that it's the 'cause' of that 'deadair'/'thought suspended' 'stuff' that seems to be going on.

That written inventory of fears, resentments and (*gasp*) sex life can take a lot out of a person. And not at all in a bad way.
It's what's brought me to 'here'. And grasping for the 'best thing/worst thing' isn't a bad place to be. Realizing 'things' are 'just my experience TODAY' is actually a good place for me to be.

That 4th step took a few pages of paper, a bit of lead and the effort to transform those things in my head into words on a sheet of paper.
And frankly, I'd let a bunch of things live 'rent free' in my head for a chunk of time.
I don't know about you--but I know about me.....and that 'rent free' living deal is a great thing for Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing. He invites his buddies (Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair) in for a party and they have a good time of it.

And it's always, ALWAYS at my expense......and at the expense of others that I care about.

There's something about the act of forcing the eviction of Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing from my head and trapping him on paper that leaves my head and ME ........ freed up.
It's that 'honesty' deal.
That's where it all starts for me....cuz it's that wee voice of Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing that convinces ME that 'this one I'm better off keeping to myself'....'this one no one has to know about'....'this one's better unsaid--ain't nobody else's biz'.....'this one I can handle all by my little lonesome'.....'this one is embarassing, stupid--and will make me look like a bad person'....'this one.....OMG.....if people knew THIS one!'..... that creates the problem for me.
'Rent-free' space starts and suddenly I find myself lying (mostly through omission) to the people around me..... The buddies ( Terror, Bewilderment, Frustration, and Despair) get invited to the party and I call the caterer and feed 'em well!!

There's always, always, ALWAYS a 'safe place' for me to go to tell on Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing. That's really a non-issue for me, even though I can grab that one to make it the issue. (thanks, Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing!) Face it, when you're living rent free and having a party catered in for NOTHIN'....why would you WANT to be evicted?!

<-- caters to the icky thinking.....I'll admit it!

But today.....I'm freed up.
It's all on paper.
And I mean ALL on paper.

And I'll be doing what I know needs done, with very little 'fear' entering--cuz I know the power in 'telling the truth'.
It's born from experience after experience after experience of telling the truth to another human being...... Cuz papers are handy in capturing it all......but the real, lasting freedom is in having another person and G-d hear it from ME.

Tell the truth, Mel......ALL THE TIME.

So--while my brain's freed up today, at this moment..... I know Mr. IckydistortedthoughtsI'mnotsharing would just as soon move himself and his buddies back in to resume the party.
I'm human (oy, what a deal THAT is.....)--it'll happen soon enough. He'll catch me on an 'off' moment' and plant that little seed......again....

And catering costs.....are really, really high nowadays....

*sigh*

WHEN do ya suppose I'll be smart enough to tell on him before the party begins?

Another TFTD

We cannot change others.

We cannot control any action that another person takes.

But we can accept other people as they are and decide to take control of our own thinking and actions.

We saw eagles! :-)

k......they were further away than we'da liked......and smaller in numbers cuz we went a bit early for 'em....

But they were darn fun to watch.

AND we saw an eagles nest!

:-)


(and yep......LOL....those dots are eagles!)

It's 9 a.m.........

And I'm still in my jammies.





Woooooooohooooooo!!!!!

:-)

Fairy Reminder

Worrying distorts our perceptions of an experience.

It takes away the spontaneous joy we might have known.

Even more troubling, it compromises our ability to be present in the moment.

Soooooooo....

What happens when you blow bubbles in -24 degree weather?
* make that -25
** make that -27

*** make that -28

Yup.

That's what happens!

WAY cool things, frozen, shattering bubbles...... :-)

(DOES freeze the bubble gun, however.....)

*going to look for a banana*


***** mighta done it more than once..... :-D

Thoughts from the hallway

Every day we encounter people who excude peacefulness.

We wonder how they attained their peace.

If we watch them closely, we'll notice how accepting they are of people.

They seem not to be bothered by conflicting opinions, unconcerned by decisions that don't affect them, and uninterested in controlling situations that involve others.

k......

-24° actual temperature, -51° windchill......today.

Tonight, it's a balmy -22° with a -40° windchill.


Did I mention it's a TAD bit on the chilly side?

Yeah, well.......I lied.
It ain't a 'tad on the chilly side'..........



IT'S FREAKIN' COLD!!!!!!

k......TFTD

Letting go of the outcomes of all experiences, even those that involve us, frees our minds from the needless worry that keeps us stuck.
The more we focus on a problem, our own or others, the bigger it gets.