The Problem with Flirting

My match.com membership expired a couple days ago. I decided not to renew it, especially because I've begun to think of this online dating site as "Middle-Aged Men and the Young Women They Lust After" and "Men Who Want Girls Who Don't Eat". (I just read a profile where the guy wrote, "I'm looking for a girl who's in shape, not a girl who's a shape." I mean, really?)

I'm disappointed and embarrassed that I only got to go on one date this time around. It made me think that maybe there was something wrong with me, or that maybe I was just very unattractive.

On the other hand, I haven't really e-mailed anyone in a couple of weeks; I don't feel as hopeful about it as I did when I first signed up. I also haven't logged on to plentyoffish in more than a month, partly because under "occupation", one guy wrote "Hi people"; b) I am apparently very appealing to men with multiple children and ex-wives; c) more than one guy wrote in his profile that he wanted to give his dates lots of massages (and I don't even like to hold hands!).

When I went to cancel my match.com membership, I received an offer: "3 months for the price of 1". Despite my failure with both match and plentyoffish, I thought about joining zoosk.com, which is one of the few dating sites I haven't tried. But on the other hand, I would have to pay almost three times the amount that match.com was offering me for the same amount of time on zoosk. I could have tried eharmony again, but it would have cost more than a hundred dollars to see a bunch of profiles with no pictures. (I'm not completely superficial, but I do want to see at least one picture of the guy before the date. I just want to Google him to make sure he's not on America's Most Wanted. Just kidding. Sort of.)

I also could have tried okcupid again, which is free, but I was afraid I'd get more e-mails from married guys (whose wives were also on the site) or from guys who insulted me because I didn't want to hook up with them...and their friends.

I always thought that I'd meet someone the old-fashioned way, by chance when I was out pursuing my own interests, working, or just running errands. But my interests include going to neighborhood festivals like Northalsted Market Days, which is in Lakeview (otherwise known as Boystown). I think of that festival as "The day that I walk around eating funnel cake while staring wistfully at all the muscular gay guys dancing in colorful underwear." (And they're all so friendly, polite, and nice, darn it!)

The chances of my meeting someone at work are fairly slim, since I'm an English teacher and a grad student. Most of the other grad students and teachers are a) female; b) in a relationship; c) gay; d) single, male, straight, and only have eyes for women like Jane Austen, the Bronte sisters, or Mary Shelley.

Even though a lot of the guys on match.com claim that they're tired of the bar scene, I know that most of the guys are actually at the bars and clubs. But seeing as how I don't drink alcohol and most of my friends are too busy changing diapers or working sixty-hour weeks to go clubbing, I don't get to go to those places very often. Anyway, every time I do go to a bar, I keep yelling, "WHAT?" the whole time. I also keep thinking, I could order two twelve-packs of Coke for the price of this one cocktail.

Every once in a blue moon, a cute guy does flirt with me, but seeing as how I literally am a nonflirt, I'm usually clueless and oblivious when it happens. For example, when I went to another festival, I bought a chocolate covered strawberry. The guy who sold it to me said, "I'm going to give you one of the big ones, because you're cute." I merely said, "Thanks," because what I was really interested in was the strawberry.

When I went to one of the cafes where I'm a regular, one of the male baristas kept complimenting me and trying to chat me up. But I was too focused on the manuscript I was working on, the coffee I was drinking, and the person who loved Justin Bieber so much that she blasted it from her iPhone (I thought about pouring my coffee on her iPhone, but that would have been a waste of coffee.)

I usually don't even realize that a guy is flirting with me (or in one case, that a guy just asked me out) until he's given up and walked away. Partly it's because I get harassed by random creepy guys on the street on a regular basis. I've learned to keep my head down, my eyes averted, and my mouth shut. So when a cute and friendly guy tries to strike up a conversation with me, I immediately clam up. On the other hand, it's also because I really am very shy and don't know how to react, because I automatically think that he's only talking to me because he's a) drunk; b) trying to make his ex-girlfriend jealous; c) trying to convince me to join his cult. (And yes, all three things have happened before.)

When I'm online, it's easier. You have to be more straightforward online, by sending a "wink" or an e-mail (I always send e-mails). It's much easier to say hi to a cute guy online than to just walk up to one in person. You can figure out what you want to say beforehand and rewrite it if it doesn't sound right, unlike in real life. If someone you don't like tries to contact you, all you have to do is block him.

So I decided to renew my membership with match.com for three more months. I'm also thinking of going to one of match.com's singles events, such as one of their speed-dating parties. If that doesn't work, then maybe I'll try zoosk, or maybe I'll rejoin okcupid. I want to keep trying, at least for now. But if online dating really doesn't work out (I can't keep doing it forever, or rather, I can't keep reading profiles written by arrogant, age-obsessed jerks for that much longer), then I'm going to have to turn off my computer and venture out into the "real world" to meet someone, rather than wait until we've exchanged several e-mails before we meet in person.

What do you think? Is it easier for you to meet people (whether it's significant others or friends) online or in person?

(Almost) Ready to Give Up

During my first year of graduate school, I developed a crush on a fellow graduate student. I thought he was kind, quiet, serious, smart, and a genuinely decent person. I talked to him about grad school and teaching, but I never told him that I liked him. Recently, I found out he got married.

I wasn't in love with him, but I have to admit that I did feel a little sad. Obviously, the fact that he's married to someone else is the ultimate proof that he isn't the one for me. But I couldn't help wondering what would have happened if I had invited him out for coffee years ago.

I've never been good at making the first move. It took me a long time to even get up enough courage to venture into the dating scene. When I first started dating, I just wanted to see who was out there and go out on dates. Now, several years later, I want more.

The other day I was walking down the street in my neighborhood and I saw a little boy sitting on his father's shoulders. His mother was walking alongside them, holding a baby. They were all laughing about something, and the little boy was singing. Family, I thought. That's what I want. 

But now I'm starting to worry that it'll never happen for me. I'm thirty-two years old, and even though I'm still young(ish), seeing the majority of my friends, acquaintances, and relatives who are my age or younger get married and have children makes me feel like I'm falling behind.

I thought that online dating would help me find someone special. After all, several people have met their spouses online. Everyone knows of at least one online dating success story. In fact, one of the guys that I dated on eharmony is now married to someone else that he met on that site. (I'm not really sad about that, since I didn't like him very much. I can't help feeling a little resentful that someone who was a total tool was able to find his future wife and I am still single. But then again, you don't have to be a nice person to get married. Every single bride on that TV show Bridezillas can attest to that.)

I've joined four different online dating sites. And what have I found? Hundreds of guys who only want to date women who are decades younger than them. Guys who write stuff like, "Don't message me if you aren't as thin as you look in your pictures" in their profiles. (I'm seriously not making that one up. I've seen that line several times.) Fake pictures in online dating profiles. (How do I know they're fake? The guys post pictures from ads that I've seen on the Internet, and others post pictures of famous actors, like Daniel Craig and Macaulay Culkin.) A guy who only posted two pictures of himself, and in both pictures, he was wearing a ski mask. (Incidentally, I made a joke on this blog about showing up for a first date in a ski mask. I didn't think anyone would actually post a picture of himself looking like a bank robber in his online dating profile, but I was wrong.)

There were also the disappearing acts. The dates that disappointed me, disgusted me, or freaked me out. The genuinely nice guys who liked me, but who I didn't feel anything for (though I wish I had felt something for at least one of them, who is the only one I regret pushing away.)

Now I'm on match.com a second time, and I'm embarrassed to admit that I still haven't gone on any dates, even though it's been a month now. This has never happened to me in my previous online dating experiences; I was always able to get dates before.

In high school, everyone took a "matching" test for fun, and we were all given a list of other students in the school that we were most compatible with. The matches were based on percentages; that is, the test revealed whether we were one hundred percent compatible, sixty percent compatible, ten percent compatible, etc. Even though I had my own list of matches, they were all revealed to be less than fifty percent compatible with me. A "friend" said that meant I wasn't very compatible with anyone.

I know it was just a silly test that didn't really mean anything. But I can't help thinking that maybe the problem isn't the online dating sites or the guys. Maybe it's me.

When I was younger, I thought that I would meet the right guy at school, at work, at the gym, or at a party. I thought that maybe we would become friends first, and then it would eventually turn out to be something more. But now I'm starting to think that maybe there isn't someone out there for me. Maybe I'm not meant to get married or have a family. Maybe I'm supposed to do something else with my life.

It's not like anyone hasn't messaged or "winked" at me on match.com, because there have been several guys. But I really DON'T want to date someone who's thirty years older than me or who is missing his front teeth or who wrote in his profile that he's "looking to have some fun" before he leaves the country in a few weeks.

If I stop trying to find someone, maybe the right guy will show up anyway one day. In the meantime, I could focus on the other things that make me happy, like writing, reading, dancing (in classes at my gym), teaching, and fantasizing that Satan's Siblings (also known as my neighbors) have moved away. I could spend more time reading books and articles for my dissertation, and I could finally prove myself as an academic.

But then I think about that grad student I had a crush on, and how I kept waiting and hoping that he would finally notice me as someone who was more than just a classmate. I kept waiting for the right time to tell him how I felt, and I lost my chance. I'm afraid that if I just wait rather than put myself out there, I'll end up losing again.

I've been thinking about joining plentyoffish.com, which is an online dating site I haven't tried before. In fact, one of the reasons I joined okcupid a few years ago was because match.com wasn't working out for me (though I did get to go on dates with guys I met from match.com).

I also thought about joining one of the amateur sports leagues that a lot of twentysomethings and thirtysomethings in Chicago join. But then it would mean I'd have to play sports (I'd also have to learn how to play sports), and I'm not sure the sight of me tripping over myself or running away from the ball, screaming, "Somebody ELSE catch it!" would be very attractive.

But on the other hand,  I don't know if I have it in me to keep searching forever. I don't want to still be joining online dating sites and going on first dates years and years from now. Eventually, I might just give up.

I'm sorry. I don't mean to sound self-pitying. But after all my failed attempts at finding love, it's hard not to feel discouraged. Not to mention I saw a sign that read "DIVORCED! RING FOR SALE", and it made me think that I'm not the only one who's less than optimistic about love.

What do you think? Do you think that there's a right person out there for everyone? Do you think it's better to actively look for the right person, or is it better to leave it to fate?