[Weekly Words on Women] Who Decides

Based on the phenomenal response my post last week got, I thought I'd address an aspect of my underlying argument differently. I'd like to try to look at this in a more objective and dispassionate way.

My original premise was that men - by virtue of being men - don't have the authority or privilege of deciding what women view as sexist, misogynistic, or otherwise problematic.  My general basis for this argument is that men are not affected or impacted by items, situations or actions that could be perceived as sexist, misogynistic or problematic in the same way that women are.

I'll accept the proposed suggestion that there are guys that value women and their struggles in modern society, and specifically gaming. I'll go along with the idea that there are men that are interested in battling injustices, who want to voice their opposition to those items, situations and actions. I don't disagree that there is a corps of men who believe as strongly as I do that wrong is wrong.

There comes a time when the folks deciding what is wrong (and to some extent, WHY) is a pretty important part of any discussion. Maybe this flies in the face of your worldview- that "wrong is wrong", and that's all there is to it. Perhaps the concept that who says an item, situation or action is wrong makes no difference to you; as long as someone is speaking out, it's a good thing (to you).

I'll attempt to explain as clearly as I can (with examples) why this doesn't work FOR ME. Maybe that will help me figure out how to talk about the topic at hand in a more effective manner, and maybe it will give some discussion. Neither of these outcomes is a bad one in my view; and if nothing comes of it, I won't mind because writing is something I truly enjoy. (It IS better when there is an audience, I won't lie. But I write for me as much as I possibly can, and if people want to talk about it, that's just icing on the cake.)

When talking about injustice, I generally side on the "do everything possible to make it stop" part of the spectrum. Social justice and equality are big deals to me. I've made it my life's mission to teach my kids tolerance and I work in many ways to promote equality across the spectrum outside of the home.  The comment that equated my commentary to the gay rights conversation last week really caught me off guard. After looking at things a little more closely, I figured there's really only one way to proceed, and that's to SHOW you what I mean.

The post my pal wrote brought up sexism, and what a lot of you saw as sexism in "make believe land". While I don't want to detract too much, I do want to interject a few conversations that I think might exemplify the imbalance of male viewpoints to female viewpoints and then move along.

The examples I'll be using are from one of my all-time favorite blogs. This is a blog that has an extremely good ratio of male to female respondents, and the general makeup of the readers are well-educated, professional people. This blog is highly regarded as having one of the most civil and adult comments sections among workplace related blogs.

Because this blog is highly directed to workplace concerns, many times when there is a concern about how men and women interact, there's a specific legal subtext to the advice and conversations. Almost all of those deal with HARASSMENT, which is somewhat different than sexism, but the way the comments play out shows that perceptions about harassment have sexist overtones.

Some examples of discussions where the conversation includes harassment and gender divides include : link 1- This is the most extreme example I found.  This conversation also addresses the topics, but not for a while and you can see a distinct gender disparity.  This one's really good, and really gets to it. Also, this one is decent at addressing the topic, and THIS ONE is one that shows the disparity very clearly.

To me, the way the divide slides very much along gender lines (and to some extent, lines of power) says very clearly that someone is missing the point. For women to say "hey, this is harassment" and men to say "um, nope" means that there's an imbalance of understanding and ability to communicate what exactly harassment IS to a woman and why.

The "sides" of feeling and perceiving harassment are clear to me- whomever says "hey, this bothers me, cut it out" is in the right. It's not up to the person acting to do anything other than listen and change behaviors so as not to do the offending thing again.

All of that was to make a point. The point was men and women see things differently. There was some talk that those little models sculpted to look like boobs and butts were somehow sexist. Sexism is a little more complex than simple harassment, but the idea is similar. 


It might be that I misunderstood the intentions of male posters over at the previous discussion because I am female. My perceptions and understanding of the comments and behaviors might very well have been clouded by my previous encounters with men. As I stated earlier, my original point was that men aren't affected or influenced by these encounters in the same way that I am, and their perspective is different than mine. It makes it tougher for them to clearly identify "hey, this is uncool" because they as men don't get the same result from daily interactions. 

From my perspective, the VERY MOST you could say about sexy models was that they might encourage men to look at women in a sexual way and perhaps see the female form as a sexual object instead of recognizing that there are PEOPLE behind the boobs out in the real world. 

When I see "sexy models", I don't see sexism or misogyny or anything like that. I see FANTASY, and I wholeheartedly accept and encourage the fantastic as a way for people to express themselves and their interest in the hobby. I don't happen to find the models as any sort problem, but I've come to realize it might be partially due to the fact that I'm attracted to ladies just as much as I am to men.

I don't really talk about this very much, because identifying as anything under the  LGBT flag can and does get you marginalized (even further than I might already be as a woman) and I'm just not interested in inviting THAT onto my plate as well.

I have decided that for me, hot models are hot models and I like them. I see and know a difference between fantasy and reality. To me, models and art are part of the imaginary and unreality of gaming. They are not "real".

They are not personal interactions between men and women. They are not relationships where males talk to and about females in various ways. They are not restrictions by males on access to power, voice or influence for women (or any minority). These things- these are things I will work myself up over. These are things I see as worthy of my attention.

I have no doubt that fighting to make interactions between men and women more equal and less fraught with inference and shades of sexism is a good thing, and I want everyone to take part in helping equality along.  I won't ever back down from fighting against injustices in personal interactions.

But I do have reservations that men can (or will) objectively be able to state that a certain thing is "bad" for women when they aren't female and don't know the same things I do as a woman.

Thanks for listening. I look forward to seeing what comes of this...

[Weekly Words on Women] The Strip Club

It's dark, moody and heady with quiet anticipation inside the club.

All the lights focus on the woman moving on the stage, flashing across her breasts as she swings around the pole, beckoning to the audience.

The beat of the music is generating interest and attention as her hair slides across her back, her head turning to look at the crowd again.

[Weekly Whimsy] A Deeper Look, Part 2

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! What, words? Why? When worried, worked and worn, wander into wonder, and witness whimsy's will.]




What she say? She said - Prince, Joy In Repetition 
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I'm back from a brutal week. Somehow my brain and life got disconnected and I'm really feeling it. I see my comments and queries this week as much more analytical and less personally involved- for good or bad, I'm not sure.

I am taking another look at the questions asked previously and offering insights. I hope my cogitations are more open to gamers in general, with a nod to the ladies, as I wasn't aware I was being exclusionary last week. That's never my intent. I like to talk to everyone!


Dungeonmum asked a really great starter question: How did you get into RPGs?

I ask a variant of this to nearly every person I game with (mine is: How did you get into gaming?) I love hearing the stories- of finding an outlet for creative expression, of united geekiness, and of community. I was really glad to see this question; but not just for ladies- for everyone. I find this topic fascinating for any gamer. The “anatomy of a geek” is really fun to explore. I love finding the common elements and discovering new ways of involvement in our hobby.

In the FGRT, the responses showed that most ladies were self-induced, introduced via peers or adults, with a few SO's in the picture as well. I was excited to see how many of “us” found gaming on our own; it sort of validates a pet theory of mine that geekiness is inherent and nerds will self congregate. Given all that, I found Dungeonmum's assessment that “dating a guy who played” “seems to be the most common way” to get into gaming absolutely revealing.

The IDEA that women get into the hobby through SO's is out there. It's really prevalent when crowdsourcing or taking opinion polls across a large group of people. But in actual interviews of gamers who happen to be female, it's rare. In the FGRT, there were 3 out of 18 responders who indicated they got in via SO's.  Late last year, I did a survey of the women I know personally; and responses were similar- only 1 out of the 15 gals I spoke to got into gaming via their SO.  The overall response rate of introduction via SO's I have seen appears to be less than 9%.  That's a pretty small amount.

Where is this idea coming from?   Why is the “theory” so well believed despite other indicators?

Th next question I'll examine today is one I liked a lot; just on principle. We're asked: Who was your favorite character to play ever? Why?

This is one of the most fun questions to ask a player- because everyone has an answer. I love seeing what motivates people's passion for their creations- from wordplay (woohoo, a fellow word nerd!) to kicking butt (which is also fun), all our answers were personal and resonated to us in some way. This is pretty true no matter who you ask. I love seeing people's faces light up when talking about the badassery and/or awesome they managed as their favorite character. I like it so much so I asked
about it here and got some great responses.

Many responders talked about being able to tap into their “ultimate” or “fantasy” selves-  playing someone they are not; but want to be. Jak was a definite example of this sort of character for me, but he was very difficult to pull off. Jak was essentially my personal opposite: male, decisive, aggressive, hostile, proficient and goal driven. Despite all these personality differences, he shared something with almost all of my other characters. Jak (and almost every single one of my imagined personalities) was fundamentally broken- a tragic hero who sought redemption for past transgressions.

I love to play these kinds of characters- people who are somewhat damaged; but trying to find solace in their actions. To me, it's a great way to work on some of my own “mental junk”; kind of therapy through roleplay. It's also a way to show the depths of tragedy, pain and ultimately; hope. I've truly enjoyed the moments when one of my characters inspires another to greatness, to betterment, or simply to kindness. I know those are pretty small things in the scheme of a game, but they matter to me.

What other players liked was equally interesting. I saw a lot of really fun answers. Our responders enjoyed being smart, tough, or game-changing; not any different than anyone else in any other game setting. I loved that the answers were so diverse and that there didn't appear to be any one “type”; because that'd be boring as hell.

Do you think there is a type of character ladies are “expected” to play?
Further on expectations is the question of bending gender. It appears that there's at least a little bit of an idea that playing against one's own gender is difficult (based on Zak's comments) or strange. I personally find the opposite to be true.  I like playing dudes, and hope to keep at it when given the chance.

The question is: How often do you play male characters?

The comments on this topic seemed to be split roughly 50/50 – with half playing at least some, and the other half not so much. My personal take on that is: that seems fair. It's like asking how often we play fighters, or people in space; simply a matter of preference rather than any big statement.

I didn't get any sense that playing a guy was any more important, consequential or  earthshaking than playing a druid, a demon returned from hell, or  anything else we might play.

The question itself seems to indicate switching up is an oddity. Am I inferring to much from the poser, or does it strike the same chord with you?

Lastly, how one decides gender when creating a character came up.

Concept & gut are the most consistent answers, with equity thrown in for good measure. Again, I think this is as unimportant as how one decides occupation  or education- it all comes down to character creation, and what women do seems  to be the same as what men do.

I'd love to hear your take on these inferences and opinions, as well as differing opinions.  Next week, I'll hit on a few more of the questions, the responses and anything else that hits my fancy. Thanks for joining me this time!

[RPG] [WOD] Mage, the Awakening + Other Cool stuff

Check this out, yo! I went from somewhere in the high 20's, low 30's to 12! I am pretty sure the new readers came on the heels of my giveaway contest, but I'll take whatever I can get. I'm truly excited to be able to reach folks in so many genres and categories.
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On the RPG front, I started reading the nWOD Mage, The Awakening book (again). Last time, I did not get very far into it- I just got a feel for what it was all about and put it aside because it was not for me. It completely baffled me and was nigh incomprehensible beyond the "power corrupts" theme. Well this time, I don't get to say "I don't like it"- I have to learn it. I have to admit, I'm more than a bit intimidated.

Before I really got too far into it, I read the credits pages- the writers, designers, playtesters etc. Folks, this book was totally dreamt up by dudes. There is ONE woman's name in the dizzying array of guys.

I think I finally understand why I don't understand this book- it's completely written in dudespeak. Overall, I do tend to understand the weird dialect used by the three legged mammals, but there are some times when I just do not know what the heck you fellows are saying. This book (to me) is nothing short of a boys-only club handbook, ala Lil' Rascals. Maybe this is why there are so few kick-ass lady mages?

I don't generally fall into the stereotype crap, and I'm not a big fan of leaving ANYTHING to "the boys" simply because it's a "typical" male subject or because it might be easier. I'm far too stubborn, and even when I'm over my head, I keep at something until I have at least a semblance of a clue. [Seriously. I took Algebra three times because 1- my dad made me, and 2- I really DID want to learn it.]

So I refuse to let this book get the best of me. I will figure out a way to understand it and get into the world the White Wolf folks have created. What strikes me as odd about this book that every OTHER WW product I've read makes complete and total sense to me. Even without completely understanding the mythos or fluff, I've grabbed onto all the other White Wolf stuff fairly easily.

Perhaps the difference is the book approaches the topics as if you already know everything about the world, or because there's so much symbolism and synergy- but M:tA is KILLING me. In addition to the massive verbiage, there's all of the mechanics to learn as well.

Help!

If you love the game, or have any handy ideas on how to break it down into less confusing chunks, I'd love to hear what you have to say. But in the meantime, I am reading that darn blue book and swearing a lot under my breath.

Be Well,

H/'Lo

[Weekly Whimsy] Romance

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Accentuating ardor, amour, admiration and affairs; regaling relevant rules for relations.] 

“O for the gentleness of old Romance, the simple planning of a minstrel's song!”   John Keats

Got a special someone? Lady Friend? Dr. Girlfriend? She Who Must Be Obeyed? Wife? Man? Sexy Thing? Dude? Husband? 

If so, no doubt you've noticed that Valentine's Day is quickly arriving. I've heard countless times from many of my male gaming friends that Valentine's Day gives them something of a complex- they simply have no idea “what to do”. I thought I'd toss you guys a bone and help you out. 

Yes, I know I'm a little late on the scene. I probably should have followed my own, best advice when it comes to wooing;

1- Do a little planning. 

For us gamers, being prepared is either second nature, or a terrible burden. I know countless guys that come to game ill-prepared (no dice, paper, pencils, nothing). For them, thinking ahead is an actual chore. Then there's those of us who are just a little crazy about being ready for anything. I'm personally guilty of having no less than 3 pens at any time and I usually have a pad of paper, too. For me, being prepared is second nature to who I am. 

Regardless, when it comes to romance, planning ahead is essential. Don't wait until the last minute- or you'll end up giving wilted, terrible flowers from a gas station, bad lingerie from Kmart, or Little Debbie's Valentine Cakes. (Sometimes those terrible gifts can turn into a goofy tradition- but be aware at least some frustration will come of it before your Sweetie thinks it's “sweet”.)

What kinds of planning has a LOT to do with your special friend, and almost nothing to do with “what the media says”. Here's an example:

If your Significant Other adores Motocross, getting her a hearts & flowers gram is not going to be as effective as getting tickets to the nearest dirt track show. If he likes SCA and RenFaire stuff, he'll most likely be far more tickled with a trip to Medieval Times than going to see the latest Jet Li movie.

Having tickets to these sorts of things takes thinking weeks (if not MONTHS) in advance. Many of these sorts of adventures involve travel. That can include hotel stays, dinner out, and distractions other than the intended event. Coordinating all of the said itinerary ahead of schedule with consideration to your partner's tastes can turn you into a hero overnight. But all of those ideas need at least an element of 

2- Know Your Partner's Interests- This, in a nutshell, is: PAY ATTENTION. 

You know what synergies work best in your armies, right? The same should be said for your romantic endeavors. Know what works, and use it to your advantage. 

I'm a pretty simple girl. I like good food, games, books, miniatures and purses. I'm also very fond of surprises. I'm known to enjoy wrestling, football, basketball and goofy action movies. A quick surprise date to see a movie like “Red” and going out to have dinner at a place I haven't tried before is going to score TheDude major points with me. Knowing what makes your partner smile is a key element to romancing and wooing said person. 

Giving a gift (or expressing your affection in a way) that's meant to show you understand her, and care about what she likes is golden. Guys like it too- nothing's worse than a bad golf tie when he hates 'that game with the crooked sticks'. Give him a StormRaven, a new Citadel Paint set, or maybe a Battle Foam bag instead.

This third pointer is really meant for the guys, but girls can learn at least a little something, too.

3- Make your partner feel valued. 

 

This is a bit tough to explain, but it's kind of like showcasing your favorite IC or HQ on your blog for all their massive exploits. You want to offer public validation and recognition for that special someone in your life so they're seen for how truly awesome they are. 

This is really about helping a girl feel like a princess in a fairy tale- making a special impression with a truly grand gesture. Guys like to feel like rock stars, with tons of adoring fans and massive adulation. 

If you send flowers (and you should know IF she likes them and what kind), do it EARLY in the week, and send them to her work. She'll get the thrill of seeing a delivery just for her, she gets to brag on you all week, and get admiring glances from the other gals at work. It's a win-win. 

Tell him how much you appreciate him- in writing, through music, with a tattoo or writing a check to help fund his dream. Do it in a big way, so that he knows how much you treasure what he does for you, and he can gloat to the other guys how he has “the best partner in the universe”. It's a win-win.

Doing just a little work will pay off big in the long run. Just like play testing or honing a list (and subsequently stomping face), the effort is completely worth the results when your loved one swoons at your romantic gestures. 

Being “romantic”, much like winning against a tough competitor, is not simple- but it's easily accomplished with preparation and planning. 

Be Well (and be prepared), 

'Lo 

[40K] The Dude and The doods

All right guys- I know I groaned about how I didn't have even a SINGLE dude of my own to paint for a bit. I've been pretty plain that I was hoping for An Emperor's Champion and possibly a Battleforce box for Christmas for a while. My personal take on the whole "build an army" thing was to do it low & slow- get my feet wet a little and as I get more figs, THEN get into 40K full scale again.

My husband, the AllAwesomeguy, TheDude; decided he knew better. He decided I needed to "sink or swim" and guys, you will be STUNNED at what he got me for Christmas!

Not just a battle box. Not just guys from AoBR. No- he went ALL OUT. He is friends with a guy who was parting ways with his army and the two cut a deal. I wound up with An Army Transport: Battalion AND A Motor Pool bag- each full of foam and the makings of at least 2 ARMIES inside them. Plus, Codexes, rule books and templates. I got it all!

here's the overview:

Troops: close to 100 Space Marines, over 20 Scouts (probably closer to 30).
Elites: Well over 25 Terminators. 6 Dreads.
Fast Attack: 4 LandSpeeders, 3 Bikes and an Attack Bike.
Heavy Support? Land Raider, Predator, and Whirlwind. Plus a Rhino, just for good measure.

That's just a SUMMARY of what he got me. There's so much more in there, it's unreal. Every single thing in the cases are decked out with very cool weapons, too.  (MISSILES! At least 5 Typhoon Missile launchers! Flamers, Meltas, TLLC- there's a little bit of everything in there.) I was unashamedly squealing like a girl when I opened up those bags and saw what was inside. The best part? Catch this:

He was telling anyone who would listen: "I know I have a good wife- she's excited to get Space Marines for Christmas".

I think I'm gonna keep him!

Of course, this collection of doods is going to need a little thinking. The previous owner of this pile of awesome was very obviously a Space Wolves player. There's a Grimnar, Ragnar,  an Iron Priest, 9 Wolves, and one of the Dreads is a metal Bjorn the Fell Handed model, plus other assorted Wolf Priests and so on. The non-specific models are painted as a SW army,  which is ok for now.

The question becomes- do I throw the non-specific guys in the "bug juice" (Mean/Simple Green) to turn them into BT, or do I try them out and see if I like them? A little of both?

To be truly fair, I don't hate the idea of Space Wolves, but for the most part, I don't like the models. I just don't find them super attractive. From what I understand, the playstyle is pretty close to the "brick" standard I try to keep myself to. Of course, the only way to find out is to play them.

Now, just to make a list....

[Weekly Whimsy] "Let The Boys Do It"

[Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Loquacious lets loose, laying low long-lived lamentations on living as a lady.]

[Absolutely not at all in response to Dethtron, but it's pretty fitting.]

"When a man asks a woman, "Would you like help with that?", what he's really saying is:
"Would you like some d**k?" "- Chris Rock, Bigger & Blacker

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I honestly and truly don't see myself as a feminist. I have too many old fashioned values for that; but I am a highly modern woman, trying to get by in a (mostly) modern world.

[Weekly Whimsy] International Suit Up Day (Part 2)

Welcome to Weekly Whimsy! Discussing delivery of the debonaire, dissing the douche that doesn't dress, diving into the depths of the dearth and death of determination, derring do, and drive.

[Love my weekly word-nerd fit. On to today's topic!]

Every girl's crazy 'bout a sharp dressed man- ZZ Top, Sharp Dressed Man

Earlier this week, Dave over at CrewShakenNotStirred talked about International Suit Up Day. He approached the subject from a lighthearted and tongue-in-cheek. His post was well received and he was able to get a group of folks to admit their foibles as former slobs.

His closing statement was meant as a rally cry, a shot of morale- "Suit Up. Score Chicks. Win Games!"

The "Suit Up" portion of his was clear in point and purpose. I love the sentiment and would like to see more of my local crew take it to heart. Dave did a great illustration on the benefits of better grooming, and his bumbler-turned-Barney was easy to identify and commisserate with in retrospective amusement.

It was the brandishment to "Score Chicks" that was slightly lacking, and I'd like to step up to the challenge. While Dave was lighthearted and jovial in his delivery, my tone will be a bit more sisterly, wise, and slightly serious. A strong nod to Chumby's advice is needed here- "Get A Job" and "Hit The Gym" are not bad words of wisdom at all; definitely worthy of attention.

Dave and Chumby don't do enough for their fellow dudes. They approach the subject, and make pointed comments in the general area, but miss the heart of the matter. So I propose a primer- primarily from the perspective of the pursued. So as a favor to my comrades in dice, I offer:

The Do's and Don'ts of Dudes

Do- Suit Up. Dave is right- an improved appearance and the following self confidence he discusses makes a world of difference in the way a dude is perceived by the world. Self confidence and all it encompasses can make improvements to the general nature of the dude in question, benefiting him in a multitude of ways.

Do- Get Out of the House. Dave suggests getting off the internet and interacting with your pals at the pub, watching telly and drinking brews. Certainly a social life with the guys is a step in the right direction. But if it's finding a chick you seek, hanging with your friends won't get you very far. You need to

Go Where The Girls Are

Where is this magical land of females? Is there some hidden door you have to make a 5+ roll to find? Does it smell funny there?

Amazing thing to hear, but girls are people too. They have interests, hobbies, passions and pursuits just as well as the guys. As I mentioned in my "On Shoes" post, it doesn't hurt at all to learn about the very things that ladies enjoy.

Unfortunately, every girl is different. The more you know the girl in question, the more you can personalize the conversation- and the better off you'll do with said lady. However, there are some things that are somewhat safe- much like sports, cars and guns for guys; there are a few things you can assume are good topics of discussion with the female kind.

These topics include (but aren't limited to) dancing, cooking, creative crafting, home decor and furnishings, movies & television, popular books, and music.

If you're hoping to find a specific kind of girl, you're in luck. Get involved in a group where a girl of that kind is likely to congregate, and you'll probably have some luck. Very importantly, Geeky girls are becoming less of a rare breed and are easily found at anime clubs, libraries, drama groups, Mystery Theater troups,  and even the occasional game store.

Going to and getting involved in activities outside of the pub and the local 40K night can be a good way to meet a girl.

Once you find a girl worth your time and attention, there's a VERY important point you need to heed.

DON'T treat her like prey. Girls, as delicious as they are, don't like being treated like they are dinner (at least not until much later). Be aware of your surroundings. Pay attention to her, but not so much that she can obviously feel that she is your sole focus. I'm sure you've all witnessed the guy going in for the kill- zooming in on the "target" to the oblivion of the rest of the room, only to be batted down.

Nine times out of ten, it has nothing to do with what he said. It's almost always about HOW he said it. If he said it while crowding her personal space, while stepping on people behind him because he was so focused on her he didn't see them, or while blocking her from an exit;  he's out of luck.

Now you have a girl who you'd like to pay attention to, and she hasn't rejected you. There's just one more important thing to know, and the rest should work itself out.

DO Have Ambition. Have something concrete you want to do and have an action plan of how you want to do it. This is somewhat an offshoot of the "Suit Up" lesson earlier- self confidence will certainly assist you in this regard; but having something- ANYTHING you want to do and are passionate about is an absolute must.

I'll be honest, even a guy living at home with mom/parents may not be an automatic "no" if he's in med school or taking care of a sick family member. A guy with a steady but dead end job isn't out of the running if he's taking night classes, teaching himself a language or skill, or knows that in X years he's going to explore a challenging area of study, travel or have accomplished something noteworthy. A dude with ambition is well worth a woman's time, and definitely at an advantage over the guy who hasn't yet learned to "Suit Up".

One last don't for you, fellows:


DON'T lie or cheat. Simply not cool and disrespects all that work you did to improve yourself over the slacker you might previously have been, or are competing against.

While this is not a complete collection, it's a stepping stone to superior situations with the other sex. I hope you've enjoyed it, and I'll have something fun for you next week.