Backwoods boredom

BreadCrumbs (2011)

Director: Mike Nichols

Writers: Anthony Masi (story), Sam Freeman (screenplay),

Starring: Jim J. Barnes, Steve Carey, Marianne Hagan, and Amy Crowdis

I just don't understand why oh so many horror films have to have such compete morons and prize winning dicks as their main characters. What's so hard about giving us somebody, anybody to care about. Shit, even the killers were annoying. At least in a film with a bunch of suck ass characters you can usually root for the killer. Thanks for denying me even that simple pleasure. BreadCrumbs is so filled with crap it makes me wonder why I even bother with horror films made after 1999.

Her I liked

The story concerns a bunch of pricks going to some cottage in the woods to film a porn flick. But there's a couple of weird backwoods (Twenty year old) kids lurking about. The red headed sister who looks like Emily Browning and her retardo brother spy are adult filmmakers up to porn high jinks and decide to play a game with them. The kind of game that ends with arrows in the back and cookie cutters shoved into your face. The victims hole up in the cottage for your NOTLD siege/bickering before the final few decide to make a break for it. By the time that happened I was hoping for all the characters to die and have God sort them out. No such luck.

Getting all BWP on yo ass!

Well, I guess I didn't like BreadCrumbs. Marianne Hagan who starred in Halloween 6 and was fine there got stuck with perhaps the dumbest, most annoying character ever. Her getting ready to retire former party girl/porn actress character Angie was just too much. Okay, your under siege by a couple of crazy kids that have wounded or killed some of your friends what do you do? Why you go on and on about how they're just kids and are either innocent or being used by some unseen psycho. Even when all evidence tells you otherwise! Listen, if some bastard shot my wife or lover full of arrows their getting dead real fast. I don't give a crap if the bastard is 16 or 60, they're going down. Don't even get me started on ahole porn director Eddie. Does every horror film need the one dimensional cowardly douche? Though with Angie's consent whining I almost considered rooting for him, almost.

"Mommy!"

I like lots of crap films. There's always something that will endear them to me. I wish there was something good I could say about BreadCrumbs, something I liked. The girl with the glasses was cute. Okay I guess that was something. The dude in the pizza boy getup could have been a sympathetic character, had they not taken him out early. The crazy brother's freak out towards the end was sort of funny.

Almost over

Again, films like this make me wonder, what's so hard about writing characters that aren't total pricks or morons? I don't mind a dickish or moronic character if they're given some dimension. But populating a whole movie with a bunch cardboard characters? That makes me want to root for the killers. BreadCrumbs denies me even that simple pleasure.

How Megaweapon ruined my year: The Top Ten worst films I watched in 2010

I should have known that 2010 would suck. I should have known because the first film I watched after the clock struck twelve was Warrior of the Lost World! What a way to welcome the new year. So I wasn't intending to do a worst of list for 2010. But after thinking about it and realizing I had watched some complete stinkers in 2010, well here we are. The worst of the worst. Now I love bad movies generally when they bring something special to the table. An entertaining story or character can elevate even a bad film. Or maybe an interesting plot that you wouldn't see in a normal A-list picture. Or perhaps it's just so bad it makes your sides hurt with laughter. But these films are different because they had potential, but the commit the worst sin in film imaginable...they're trite or just plain painful to behold. So, here are the worst of 2010. Enjoy my year in pain.

Dishonorable mentions:

The Clown at Midnight (1998)
Mother of Tears (2007)
Blood Sabbath (1972)
The Devil (1981)
Drive Thru (2007)
Search for the Beast (1997)
Wolf Wolff's Beast Within (2008)

10-Death Tunnel (2005)

I purchased Death Tunnel for the whopping price of three dollars. One week later I traded the sucker in. Thus is the true curse of Death Tunnel. Much like one of those haunted antiques that Lewis Vendredi pawned of on unsuspecting dupes at Curious Goods. That used copy of Death Tunnel is more then likely destroying someone else's evening as I write this. It's out there and it's waiting. Waiting for you!

9-Black Candles (1982)

How could a film so loaded with sleazy sex and satanism be so freaking boring? The film follows this pattern. Boring talk. Boring sex scene. Over and over till you want to ram your head into the wall. And then, to make sure you haven't fallen asleep or died from sheer boredom the film throws a goat into the mix. How? Well you get to see a woman have sex with a goat. Great. That's an image I can't unsee. Thanks Black Candles! You could double bill this with Italian poop/snooze fest L'anticristo (1974) and make it a night of satanic goat banging. I wonder if that goat sought counselling afterwards. I know I needed some.

8-Zontar: The Thing from Venus (1966)

Zontar's nefarious invasion plan involves putting the viewer into a coma. Thus with everyone comatose his plan for world domination could come to fruition. It's too bad for him only about five people ended up seeing this cinematic sleeping pill. Once in awhile during the restful nap that Zontar brought, I'd wake to laugh at these flying alien lobster/bats that Zontar used to control people. And at one point our hero of the film John Agar realizes his wife is being controlled by old Zontar. Does he declare that there may be someway to save her? That he won't rest until she's not under alien control? Nope. He just gives her a hug and blam. Divorce with a revolver. No more wife to worry about. Just thinking about this film makes me sleepy.

7-City Ninja (1985)

The film started with some WWII set prologue about a missing necklace that had etched into it, the number to a Swiss bank account. Okay. Fine. Then we flash forward to "modern" times were we meet two different martial artists involved with Chinese and Korean gangsters all seeking the necklace. For most of the film I thought that these two would never meet. The footage seems to be from two different films. Then just to prove me wrong they meet up and fight. Everyone in City Ninja is a complete shit. Out for their own gain. With no one to root for all we can do is enjoy the numerous fight scenes. Inbetween all the fights we're treated to some of the sleaziest sex scenes ever filmed. My personal "favorite" scene in which a couple are having sex in a boxing ring and then on a rowing machine! Classy. Twenty showers and a painful scrub brush encounter later and I still felt dirty from watching City Ninja.

6-Hard Ride to Hell (2010)

Take Race With The Devil and sprinkle in some Satan's Sadists and you have Hard Ride to Hell. The only things going for this crapfest are Miguel Ferrer (Who must have had bills to pay.) playing a former student of Alistair Crowley turned evil biker dude! And the always hot Katherine Isabelle (Ginger Snaps) as one of the potential victims. The plot is ridiculous! Jefé (Ferrer) and his band of outlaws are flesh eating biker immortals. He’s looking for a woman to knock up to bear him a heir. There's also some bullshit magic amulet that turns up, then is forgotten until the end of the film were it plays as a big fat deus ex machina. Also there's an ex-commando dude turned knife salesman named Bob. Bob turns into the closest thing the film has to a hero character. The plot was most likely concocted by putting a bunch of random elements written on post-it notes on a dart board and using the ones that got hit by darts. Hell I think they even used the ones they missed.

Here's the best shot in all of Hard Ride to Hell. Custody of Miss Katherine Isabelle.

Thanks Katherine!

5-Hitcher In The Dark (1989)

Umberto Lenzi. When I see that name in the credits of a film, I'm never sure what to expect. He did Spasmo, a decent enough giallo. He also brought us the naval contemplating horror of Black Demons. The Cannibal films, Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox. And his masterpiece of cheesy fun...Nightmare City. I was very curious to see how Hitcher In The Dark would stack up against his other films. Well Lenzi directs the film with almost no style. The suspense in nil. Acting? What acting? There's very little blood and gore. There's some awful nudity and mullets galore. A truly terrable dance number and a wet t-shirt contest! In the interview included on the disc Lenzi seems to be under the pretense he's delving into the mind of a troubled killer. But what we get is a Lifetime movie with mullets, boobs (in front and behind the camera.) and late 80's synthesizer cheese. The box proclaims it to be a giallo. I think not!

4-Maniac (1934)

To say that Maniac is a terrible film does not even begin to sum up the unique awfulness of it. The whole cast overacts with such zeal, I sworn they where doing cocaine and redbulls between shots. Really until you see this film, there is no describing it. It's so bizarre and just plain bad at the same time. Director Dwain Esper is both inept and strangely ahead of his time. Maniac is exhibitionist sleaze pretending to be an educational film about mental disorders. There's some shots in the film that are certainly well done. But for everything that's done right we get bizzaro crap like a catfight between two women that ends with clothes being ripped off. People acting like they're William Shatner on speed. And lots of random shots of cats and rats. The cinematographer William C. Thompson would later go on to be Ed Wood's cinematographer!

3-Night Train to Terror (1985)

Someone, somewhere had the bright idea to throw two films together with another unfinished one, make a crummy wrap around involving God and Satan on a train full of Solid Gold dancers and call it an anthology film. The various segments appear to have been edited together by a blind monkey strung out on crack. They jump about from one scene to the next with no concern for making sense. Now one of the films here I've actually seen in it's entirety, The Nightmare Never Ends. I can honestly say it made a lot more sense in it's complete form and did not contain any of those ridiculous claymation monsters that are randomly inserted here. Oh that band on the train is so bad. The film randomly jumps back to them at various times thought the film. Every time we see them they're prancing about singing the same damn song and appear to be filming a music video on the train. Night Train to Terror is filled with bad hair, bad music and terrible fashion choices. One big piece of mind numbing '80's trash.

2-Warrior of the Lost World (1985)

Well this was...something. This really, really hurt. From the bargain basement effects to well everything! Everything sucked! The Warrior is a bit of a whinny Whitney. He bitches and moans about anything and everything! And worse still he does it in a low mumble. That's right, our hero is a low talker. Then there's his sidekick, Einstein. A talking motorcycle who likes to not only use outdated slang but repeat everything he says. Such delightful phases as "Bad Mothers", "Tubular" and "Beep Bop A Loola" are used till your ears bleed. Very few movies have ever made me consider jumping out a window to escape the pain like this one did. Was there anything I liked in this mess? That it ended. Oh and Megaweapon, he should get his own film. Speaking of that, the film ends with a cliffhanger ending threating us with further adventures. Glad that didn't happen. This film hurts you like no other. Save for the film at number one.

1-The Guy from Harlem (1977)

Ever wanted to go in your backyard and film your own Blaxploitation/Kung Fu flick? It's probably not a good idea unless your father is "Daddy" Warbucks or Steven Spielberg. But lack of money and talent didn't stop the makers Guy from Harlem. No sir! Playing more like something made by Senior Spielbergo from The Simpsons. You'll marvel at the sets that are '70's porn quality bad. Hell, the sets in this film make the ones in a porno film look epic in comparison. And the acting? I've seen coma patients with more range. Don't even get me started on the "martial arts" on display. Rudy Ray Moore in Dolemite looks like Bruce Lee compared to this shit! If you have a friendship you want to end, make 'em watch The Guy from Harlem. I guarantee they will never, ever talk to you again.

So there they are. You could call be a glutton for punishment because come 2012 I'm sure I'll be writing about more ten more films that hurt me. I'll never learn because...

Nic Cage vs. B.L.O.W.

Las Vegas Bloodbath (1989)

Director: David Schwartz

Writer: David Schwartz

Starring: Ari Levin, Tina Prunty, The ladies of B.L.O.W. -- Beautiful Ladies (of) Oil Wrestling,

"What's his problem?"
"I don't know, maybe he doesn't like DAYTIME WHORES!"

Wicker Man? It's a deal!

Sometimes loving the types of movies that I do comes with a price. I really love horror films. All of them, the good, the bad and the downright weird. But it's hard to stop. I'm always looking for the next horror film high. The great thing about DVD is that so many horror films are being released. So many horror films to discover. But amongst these horror gems there are also something else. The truly weird and awful. Films that are so oddly done that you wonder about the filmmaker's intentions and what drugs were used behind the scenes.

Daytime Whore? Pops Racer? 

Sam (Ari Levin) is some sort of "business man." When we first meet him, he's high-fiving himself over some great business deal and carrying a badass brick cell phone. To celebrate he decides to buy his wife a new car she's wanted and drive it home to surprise her. But sadly Sam's the one in for a surprise. As he's driving home his wife (Who wears the worst wig ever.) and her lover (Who has a porn-tache and gets way too undressed.) are doing the horizontal mambo. Lucky for Sam his wife's lover is a deputy, so he can shoot the two (Poorly dubbed sound effects and no flash from the gun hilarity ensue.) as they slumber in bed with the deputy's gun. Sam then does what any man that just killed his cheating would...pick up a hooker. And not any old hooker, no my friend, a daytime whore! It all ends with the whore dying by some of the most cheesy gore effects ever. Touting his wife's severed head about town, Sam goes for a drink, but ends up just shooting the bartender and taking off. Time for Sam to play peeping tom. He spies on the "lovely" ladies of B.L.O.W. They go about their day eating disgusting looking pizza, watching one of their matches on T.V. and razzing their pregnant friend. I think this part of the film took place over several days. It sure felt that way. Finally Sam stops peeping from the bushes and goes on a sweaty rampage. First tying up the B.L.O.W. girls and then killing them one by one. A drill gets used for something other then house work. One of the girls tries to escape, a Jehova's Witness loses their head and a cop finds a really messy bathroom. It all ends with a freeze frame and a theme song.

Goodbye ozone.

Sam has to be one of the most haphazard psychopaths I've ever seen. He doesn't really have a plan. He just sort of meanders around Vegas picking off a couple of people till he happens upon those B.L.O.W. ladies. Then for a good twenty minutes he disappears as we spend time with the girls and Sam hides in bushes outside. I'd really like to know the how's and whys of the making of Las Vegas Bloodbath. But I don't think my mind could bear it. Filled with fake gore and faker acting. It's watchable in that WTF sort of way. It's just so damn bad and weird. I just had to show it to someone else...

Dan (indrid13)

I'm convinced that by delaying the summer edition of our annual F' you in the A' marathon by a few weeks, the Prof. became more angry than he let on. Stewing in his lab, he devised a plan to lay waste to me mentally and physically. The method of his revenge? Las Vegas Blood Bath.
What started with promises of Nic Cage look-a-likes and daytime whores ended in a soul shattering spiral of oil wrestling, dodgy effects, paper walls, and unfortunate nudity.

Now that's a party

So, what happens in this "movie" you may ask? Well the love child of Randy from Valley Girl and Patrick Bateman goes Nevada Psycho after witnessing his wife, whose hair dresser seems to be the world's biggest Jim Gillette fan, having what passes for sex in 80's home movies. So, our pal the twisted psycho cruises the streets of Vegas (which are flat and lifeless during the day, devoid of their neon splendor), kills a daytime whore (apparently saving her from the rough trade she surely would have endured at the hand of Pops Racer), shots a bartender, and spies on some "ladies" (more about them in a bit). This comprises about thirty minutes. Not too bad (endurance wise). What comes next is much, much worse.

The Bees!

The ladies in question in the previous paragraph are none other than the members of B.L.O.W., the Beautiful Lady Oil Wrestling or as I call them Bitches Lounging On Wednesday. That's all they do. Lay about, watch TV, order pizza, try on ugly swim wear, all of which plays out in real-time as Dick Cage looks on. After an eternity of ad-libing and wrestling stock footage our "hero" makes his presence known, takes his shirt off (and puts it on, and takes it off, and puts it on), murders some of the Boring Lasses Obviously Wasted , including one who is outrageously pregnant (seriously, she looks like she's in her eleventh month) and felt the need to show us her tits (see the photo that accompanies this piece for my reaction to that little treat. Any way, dolls splat against paper walls ("You can film at my house, but don't fuck up my wallpaper!"), things happen, and then it ends (but the pain lingers on and on).

Thanks Dan. To know that now someone else is forever scared by the Nicolas Cage looking Ari Levin and Las Vegas Bloodbath helps me sleep a little better at night.

They were young and in love. He was crazy. She was dead.

Horror House on Highway 5 (1985)

Director: Richard Casey

Writer: Richard Casey

Starring: Phil Therrien, Max Manthey, Irene F., Michael Castagnolia, Susan Leslie, Randy Daitch,

"Hey Joe, tell your Dad to eat shit!"

Not the house.

Um...Well. Really? What the hell? There's really no way to make my brain stop hurting. Between the crazy Nazi scientist, the brain maggots and a killer dressed as Richard Nixon! This film's like a drug trip without the drugs. Add to it that the acting ranges from hammy over acting to non-acting on a somnambulist level. Then there's the soundtrack, it'll have your ears bleeding. It ranges from ridiculous surf music to what sounds like a cello getting murdered by a one-armed strangler. If your not careful this trip to Horror House On Highway 5 could lead to Lovecraftian madness.

Nerd hot.

After the titles, which really don't prepare you at all for the coming insanity, we meet Dr. Mabuser (Therrien) and his slow sidekick Gary (Manthey). The Doc is instructing his goofy sidekick about what certain Tarot cards stand for. Then as we try to wrap our heads around the fact that the good Dr. Mabuser insists the the death card means love the film cuts to another scene that seems to have nothing to do with the Doctor and his pal. Only minutes in and my brain was already angry with me. A somewhat plain looking woman is doing some housework when some dude in a Richard Nixon mask scares her. Is Tricky Dick her boyfriend or maybe her husband? We're never told. But the credits list her name as simply Housewife, so judge for yourself. Maybe someday I'll write a prequel fanfic about these two...or maybe not. Anyway nonplussed by Tricky Dick's antics she decides to take a shower (naturally) and sends him out to the car to get something. An unseen killer hiding in the back seat offs Tricky Dick. The woman finishes her shower and we get a very unwanted look at her in a gratuitous t&a shot. Thankfully the killer shows up now wearing the Nixon mask and after a brief case that ends with the woman gingerly falling onto a glass table, shattering it. Her wrist cut open by the glass, after a bit more of stalking she's dispatched by the killer.

Dario?

Plugged or not plugged? 

Next we cut to to a college classroom full of the oddest looking collage "kids" ever assembled. The sweatiest professor (Daitch) I've ever seen is telling his "students" about the town of Littletown and a deceased Nazi scientist named Bartholomew, who supposedly created the V2 rocket. He wants three of his students go to Littletown and research Bartholomew and make replicas of his rockets. The three that are "lucky" enough to get this assignment are: Louise (Leslie), who's like Velma from Scooby Doo (Right down to the can't see without her glasses weakness), Then there's Mike (Castagnolia) the stoner, who looks a helluva lot like a young Dario Argento, and lastly there's polka dot dress wearing Sally (Irene F.). Sally goes to see Dr. Mabuser whilst Louise and Dario Argento take the Mystery Machine to Littletown for some rocket making.

Dead. Cat.

Meanwhile Richard Nixon stalks a couple of victims in the moonlight. This scene is probability my favorite scene in the film. It features a girl who appears to be auditioning for My Cousin Vinny 2 and her boyfriend, a drunken David Naughton wannabe. Drunken Naughton also has some of the worst acting in the film and the best lines. With Nixon outside their car our drunk friend gets out a hollers "Hey, I'm gonna fuck you, man!" Then socks Dick in the face. Tricky Dick beats the hell out of Mr. drunk and then gets run over. Not that'll stop the 37th President of the United States! Drunken Naughton dies from his injuries and his gal pal runs off. Long story short: everyone seems to end up at said Horror House. Dr. Mabuser, Gary, Sally, Louise and Dario, all of them and Richard Nixon too! Brain maggots, attempted drilling and boob ironings ensue. Boob ironing!

Our 37th President

Did someone slip me drugs? This film is plain nuts! Once in awhile you come across a film that not only makes you question the filmmakers sanity but yours as well. There's the killer wearing a Richard Nixon mask who's played Ronald Reagan! How about Louise's non-acting. Mike discovers a dead and very fake looking cat in the back of the van. Louise reacts to it like someone just told her library card was out of date. Making it even stranger is that earlier in the film when she's sitting poolside there's a cat sitting next to her that looks like the dead one! Another weird thing about her is that halfway into the film some scenes she's wearing a very obvious wig! There's an unseen "thing" in the house's basement that makes swooshing nosies and cuts people. We never get to see it or even told what "it" is. You have to witness Dr. Marbuse's black magic Boob ironing ritual with an iron that appears not to be plugged in. To top it all of the ritual ends with Three Stooges style antics and sound effects! There's so much more madness in this film besides what I've mentioned. You sort of have to experience it for yourself.

Bloody Dick

Doing a little digging online that Bill Pope credited as William Pope, playing the first guy to wear the Nixon mask before getting killed and listed simply as the Gentleman in the end credits is the same Bill Pope that's cinematographer on such films as Spider-Man 2 and 3, The Matrix films, and Scott Pilgrim vs. the World. Richard Meltzer who plays the drunken tough guy turns out to be a pioneering rock critic who got his start in the early '70's!

Beyond the door

It's in no way what you'd call a "good" film. But it's so damn weird and unhinged that it becomes something that you really can't categorize. If you what a quick weird film high you may want to take a trip to Horror House on Highway 5. Be warned though, you may not comeback the same.

In the land of perms and mullets

Hitcher In The Dark (1989)

Director: Umberto Lenzi

Writers: Umberto Lenzi, Olga Pehar

Starring: Joe Balogh, Josie Bissett, Jason Saucier, Robin Fox

"Hey. Who do you think you are? Mickey Rourke."

Bad hair daze 

Umberto Lenzi. When I see that name in the credits I'm never sure what to expect. He did Spasmo, a decent enough giallo. He also brought us the naval contemplating horror of Black Demons. The Cannibal films, Eaten Alive and Cannibal Ferox. And his masterpiece of cheesy fun...Nightmare City. I was very curious to see how Hitcher In The Dark would stack up against his other films.

He's no Mickey Rourke.

Misogynistic psycho momma's boy Mark (Balogh) cruises around Virginia Beach in his Winnebago, picking up female hitchhikers, making them take the place of his dead mother and killing them when they can't cut it. After dumping his latest victim in the swamp for the gators to eat, he sets his sights on a slim blonde Daniela (Bissette of Melrose Place) as his next pick-up. Mark spy's her gyrating to some really bad music and fighting with her blond beefcake boyfriend. Deciding to make his move he gives her a ride and slips her a mickey. After a futile escape attempt, Mark cuts her blonde hair short and dyes it brown, like his mom's. Mark and Daniela engage in a battle of wills. Daniela tries to seduce and sweet talk her way to freedom. As Mark attempts to assert his will upon her. Whilst this is going on her beefy boyfriend is trying to track her down. Will Daniela make good her escape? Will Mark be feeding the gators another body. Or will Beefy Mcbeefcake come to the rescue?

No! Shoot  Lenzi!

Lenzi directs the film with almost no style. The suspense in nil. Acting? What acting? There's very little blood and gore. There's some awful nudity and mullets galore. A truly terrable dance number and a wet t-shirt contest! In the interview included on the disc Lenzi seems to be under the pretense he's delving into the mind of a troubled killer. But what we get is a Lifetime movie with mullets, boobs (in front and behind the camera.) and late 80's synthesizer cheese. The box proclaims it to be a giallo. I think not! Worth a viewing if your in the mood for a seedy slice of fromage.

Megaweapon, megaweapon, megaweapon...

Warrior of the Lost World (1983)

Director: David Worth

Writer: David Worth

Starring: Robert Ginty, Persis Khambatta, Donald Pleasence, Fred Williamson, Harrison Muller Sr.,

"Work is everyone's freedom. Work must be neat and efficient. Food and entertainment are provided. Silence is its own reward. Obey the laws and obligations. We are very well today, thank you."

The Warrior

Pain, thy name is Warrior of the Lost World...

Right away there was trouble. The film opens with the longest, most convoluted background story scroll this side of a Star Wars prequel. Something about World War III going down (Hate when that happens).

Zardoz?

A cat named Prossor (Pleasence) and his OMEGA government rules what's left of civilization. Prossor looks so much like Pleasence's Blofeld that I'm surprised there was no law suit action involved. But there's hope. in the form of The New Way. A gang of mystics in togas and a bunch of soldiers, both of whom live inside a mountain. Out in the wastelands there's The Warrior (Ginty) and Einstein, his talking motorcycle! Some OMEGA goons try to pull The Warrior over for speeding! Really! He fights off the OMEGA lackeys but ends up crashing into a mountain. After The Warrior wakes up in the base of The New Way. Somehow he didn't die from the whole crashing into the side of a mountain thing, and The New Way mystics heal him. He meets Nastasia (Khambatta) there, her father a New Way scientist has been captured by OMEGA. After a little convincing from the mystics and Nastasia threatening to shoot his sack, The Warrior agrees to help. Also hanging in the mountain is Fred "The Hammer" Williamson! He's some sort of New Way officer, but he only appears once in awhile.

Been there...

So The Warrior and Nastasia are off to infiltrate Omega city. To get there the pair have to make their way through a cave inhabited by spiders, snakes, and mutants. After a less then harrowing journey our heroes reach Omega city. McWayne, Nastasia's pop, is to be publicly executed. The two's rescue plan is as simple as it is brilliant. They storm the execution and shoot a bunch of the guards. The guards carry M3A1 machines guns that make laser noises and are worse shots then Stormtroopers and Cylons put together. So they easily rescue Daddy dearest. A extraction helicopter is sent to pick up the three. Nastasia is wounded and has to be left behind, during the escape.

In my pants

You can call him Mr. Megaweapon

Back at New Way central McWayne formulates a plan to overthrow Prossor. The plan involves getting the help of the Marginals. The Marginals are a hodgepodge of left over gang members from films like Escape From New York, The Warriors and Mad Max. The Warrior enters the Marginals battle royal. After he kicks the crap out of them, midgets and all, they agree to help. The Warrior with the help of his new Marginals buddies head off down the highway to storm Omega city. Standing in their way is an "evil" truck named Megaweapon. Einstein estimates that it would take a forty megaton bomb to destroy Megaweapon. Can our heroes stop Megaweapon and overthrow OMEGA? Will "The Hammer" show up and actually do anything? And what about Nastasia? Will she be rescued and hook up with the Warrior or shoot his balls off?

No Mr. Bond...

Well this was...something. This really, really hurt. From the bargain basement effects to well everything! Everything sucked! The Warrior played by the late Ginty is a bit of a whinny Whitney. He bitches and moans about anything and everything! And worse still he does it in a low mumble. That's right, our hero is a low talker. Then there's his sidekick, Einstein. A talking motorcycle who likes to not only use outdated slang but repeat everything he says. Such delightful phases as Bad Mothers, tubular and Beep Bop A Loola are used to a nauseating degree. Very few movies have ever made me consider jumping out a window to escape the pain like this one did. Sadly Robert Ginty, Persis Khambatta and Donald Pleasence are all gone now. Sad also that they had to leave this film behind to remember them by. Speaking of Pleasence, his Prossor, looks a whole lot like a certain Bond villain he played. Was there anything I liked in this mess? That it ended. Oh and Megaweapon, he should get his own film. Speaking of that, the film ends with a cliffhanger ending threating us with further adventures. Glad that didn't happen. If you like pain (Freak!) then this film will hurt like no other.

The nightmare never ends....but the movie did.

The Nightmare Never Ends (1980)

Directors: Phillip Marshak, Tom McGowan, Gregg C. Tallas,

Writer: Philip Yordan

Starring: Cameron Mitchell, Faith Clift, Richard Moll, Maurice Grandmaison, Robert Bristol,

Rocking the hairpiece

If Omen III: The Final Conflict had been made for a fraction of the budget and starred Cameron Mitchell and Richard Moll (Bull Shannon on the TV show Night Court.) as a Nobel prize winning novelist you'd get The Nightmare Never Ends.

I am Papini

Atheist author James Hanson (Moll) and his wife Dr. Claire Hansen (Clift) take a trip to sinful Las Vegas for a little R&R. Claire's been suffering from strange nightmares and her husband hopes Vegas will help her unwind. While watching an English clairvoyant named Cecil Howard at a casino Claire is hypnotised. Claire has a vivid hallucination about a sadistic SS officer named Olivier (Robert Bristol) killing some women at a party. Later that night the clairvoyant is murderd before he can have dinner with Claire. Meanwhile a old Jewish Nazi hunter named Weiss asks his neighbor Lieutenant Sterne (Mitchell) to help him stop an apparently still young Olivier. Sterne agrees to help, but after seeing that Olivier is only in his 30's when he should at least be in his 60's or 70's he decides that Weiss must be wrong. That night Weiss takes matters in his own hands at goes to kill Olivier and fails. His body is found the next day, badly beaten and his face torn off. Sterne starts an investigation into the old mans murder. Claire is losing her grip on reality. Her husband James is about to publish a his book 'God is dead' in which he claims God does not and never has existed. Claire as a stout Catholic is against her hubby's book and tries to get him to reconsider. Olivier and his Legion of Doom, which consists of a bunch of hot chicks who hang out at a disco, want James to join them. Meanwhile a Rasputin looking monk (Grandmaison) keeps showing up, proclaiming "I am Papini" and warning anyone who will listen about how Olivier is an agent of Satan. Lots of people die and Claire comes up with a hair-brain scheme to stop Olivier.

When suitcases attack

Gerard Way agent of evil

Three directors? Maybe that's why this suck is all over the place. The film jumps from character to character without a care. At times it's badly dubbed and some scenes end mid sentence. I'm still waitng to find out what James was going to say dammit! People show up only so they can die in the next scene without us ever really getting to know or care about them. Relativity bloodless till a way over the top blood soaked climax. Said climax features someone's heart getting cut out and then nuked in a microwave!

Demon buns

Well with a snow storm raging outside, Nightmare was a good way to spend an afternoon trapped inside. It's never dull, something crazy is always going down. She ain't boring, but she ain't good either, so bring the some friends. Just don't invite Papini, he's a real wet blanket.