i have just finished two of my assignments due on 9 pm. they all required me to write lots of crap/stuff on microsoft word and it seems like i still got my bullshit-writing spirit left in me that i don't know where else to spill on.
so, hi.
things are a bit frustrating to me nowadays. the exams, assignments, targets, all that jazz. i know that i am supposed to stay busy in college, but a little whining here and there won't hurt. haha whatta whiny bitch.
in fact nothing happening around me is fun enough to be shared, it is always the case in my life, that i can't seem to make my life look somewhat presentable and interesting. maybe it's because i am so bad in having a conversation or simply talking about my life, let alone speaking about my feelings ugh i would just runaway and curl up in my locked-shut room before anyone tries to poke around my personal thoughts. because you know, my brain is a damn dark place and i assure you don't even want to even know what's inside.
i don't even know where this writing is heading i'm just trying to write relevant things but NOPE, nothing is coming out so probably this is goodbye??! hehehehe sorry
20160303
20160215
tl;dr, please carry on.
[this post took soooo long to finish lol and it actually happened in january...]
hi, so i have just arrived home after seeing a sick concert that i've been planning to go for a few days.
i don't know why, but going to concerts always transforms me into this oddball jam-packed with all kinds of emotions available on the dictionary.
this time, it made me feel this weird, indescribable feeling.
well, i wouldn't have felt this way if i didn't check the recents on snapchat.
***WHOA IT'S GETTING MORE PERSONAL HERE****
***CUE THE TISSUES AND EARPLUGS***
no, i'm not gonna write down what i've seen on snapchat that made me feel like this. like, duh?
but i do want to tell you that it's a blast from the past.
"ya ampun kenapa ga kelar-kelar sih?"
i honestly don't know. every time i feel fine and happy and so over it, it always strucks me again on the weirdest of time and places.
like making two steps forward and thousands steps back.
yeah, that would've perfectly describe what i've been doing...
...for the past two damn years.
and at times it makes me so furious, seeing how i struggle so bad to shake things off until now yet they don't even have to drop a single sweat to do so.
it got me thinking, is life going to be this shitty for the rest of my life?
because i'm really so done feeling things that aren't even relevant to them anymore.
it must've been my shit tendency to overthink eve-ry-thing.
or maybe it's just me being so fucking weak and trying so hard to look like i don't give a fuck to get by.
all of this made it really hard for me to let them be.
"you don't fucking deserve anything that you have right now, not after what you've done to me."
it always goes through my mind every time i see them having a good time.
...but apparently not today.
today, i just casually scrolled through snapchat after completely leaving it for the last half of the day.
and then it showed up.
i know myself too well that usually i get to feel sour and somewhat angry, and then be sappy and lifeless shortly after.
but nope, not this time.
this time i felt something that is so out of my character.
really, i didn't even know how to process this right when this thought popped out...
"i am so glad, so fucking glad"
in other words, for once i am so glad to see you happy.
and after that i felt this sudden rush of content, as if i have made peace with myself..
..with every bit of my anxiety, anger, sadness, and regret.
then i fell quiet..
and it hit me again, maybe i am finally at peace with myself.
maybe now i have finally realised that i am so much more than the quiet, angry girl that's been trying too much to act like everything's fine.
maybe now i have seen how happy i am with myself and my surroundings, no matter how weird it could be at times, and how happy you are with yours.
and maybe now i know it's the perfect time to let go.
and i know for sure that it is.
------
for the last part of this post that i pray to god no one will ever gonna see, i wanna thank you for literally everything, for you have been a part of my crappy life. we've done happy things and had meaningless fights, through all the ups and downs you have endured my childish ways and shaped me to be who i am today. and because of that i am forever grateful for your presence.
i'm sorry for being such a bitch, for starting those silly arguments that surely have hurt your feelings, and the days when i tried to blame you for everything without even looking at myself. but the most important of all, forgive me for not trying harder to understand you.
thank you for the memories, stories, and laughs we've shared, and for always being so kind and patient even in my moodiest and worst days... it is waaaayy beyond my understanding to see how you managed to stay sane around me. >:O
we are both guilty in this game of two, and i can only hope that we'll grow from this and have a good life, each to our own ways.
i'll always pray for you and i hope that we're both gonna be okay. :)
hi, so i have just arrived home after seeing a sick concert that i've been planning to go for a few days.
i don't know why, but going to concerts always transforms me into this oddball jam-packed with all kinds of emotions available on the dictionary.
this time, it made me feel this weird, indescribable feeling.
well, i wouldn't have felt this way if i didn't check the recents on snapchat.
***WHOA IT'S GETTING MORE PERSONAL HERE****
***CUE THE TISSUES AND EARPLUGS***
no, i'm not gonna write down what i've seen on snapchat that made me feel like this. like, duh?
but i do want to tell you that it's a blast from the past.
"ya ampun kenapa ga kelar-kelar sih?"
i honestly don't know. every time i feel fine and happy and so over it, it always strucks me again on the weirdest of time and places.
like making two steps forward and thousands steps back.
yeah, that would've perfectly describe what i've been doing...
...for the past two damn years.
and at times it makes me so furious, seeing how i struggle so bad to shake things off until now yet they don't even have to drop a single sweat to do so.
it got me thinking, is life going to be this shitty for the rest of my life?
because i'm really so done feeling things that aren't even relevant to them anymore.
it must've been my shit tendency to overthink eve-ry-thing.
or maybe it's just me being so fucking weak and trying so hard to look like i don't give a fuck to get by.
all of this made it really hard for me to let them be.
"you don't fucking deserve anything that you have right now, not after what you've done to me."
it always goes through my mind every time i see them having a good time.
...but apparently not today.
today, i just casually scrolled through snapchat after completely leaving it for the last half of the day.
and then it showed up.
i know myself too well that usually i get to feel sour and somewhat angry, and then be sappy and lifeless shortly after.
but nope, not this time.
this time i felt something that is so out of my character.
really, i didn't even know how to process this right when this thought popped out...
"i am so glad, so fucking glad"
in other words, for once i am so glad to see you happy.
and after that i felt this sudden rush of content, as if i have made peace with myself..
..with every bit of my anxiety, anger, sadness, and regret.
then i fell quiet..
and it hit me again, maybe i am finally at peace with myself.
maybe now i have finally realised that i am so much more than the quiet, angry girl that's been trying too much to act like everything's fine.
maybe now i have seen how happy i am with myself and my surroundings, no matter how weird it could be at times, and how happy you are with yours.
and maybe now i know it's the perfect time to let go.
and i know for sure that it is.
------
for the last part of this post that i pray to god no one will ever gonna see, i wanna thank you for literally everything, for you have been a part of my crappy life. we've done happy things and had meaningless fights, through all the ups and downs you have endured my childish ways and shaped me to be who i am today. and because of that i am forever grateful for your presence.
i'm sorry for being such a bitch, for starting those silly arguments that surely have hurt your feelings, and the days when i tried to blame you for everything without even looking at myself. but the most important of all, forgive me for not trying harder to understand you.
thank you for the memories, stories, and laughs we've shared, and for always being so kind and patient even in my moodiest and worst days... it is waaaayy beyond my understanding to see how you managed to stay sane around me. >:O
we are both guilty in this game of two, and i can only hope that we'll grow from this and have a good life, each to our own ways.
i'll always pray for you and i hope that we're both gonna be okay. :)
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