Kiss of the spider woman

By now, you are probably aware that South Carolina's governor, Mark Sanford, has admitted to having an affair with a woman from Argentina. While the lion's share of the blame for this belongs to homosexuals for devaluing the Sacred Institution of Marriage, we shouldn't be afraid to point a finger at the two women at the center of this scandal, Mrs. Sanford and the Argentinean mistress. After all, that is how the healing begins.

Mrs. Sanford has released a heart-rending statement that shows exactly where she went wrong - by acting too much like a man (my emphasis):

I personally believe that the greatest legacy I will leave behind in this world is not the job I held on Wall Street, or the campaigns I managed for Mark, or the work I have done as First Lady or even the philanthropic activities in which I have been routinely engaged.

No wonder the man sought his comfort elsewhere. He probably thought he was going to bed each night with Karl Rove. It's a Miracle he didn't turn gay.

Even more at fault is Governor Sanford's mystery lover. What we know so far is that she is from Argentina, which Wikipedia tells me is in South America. Before Hollywood was taken over by Communists and began grinding out Jane Fonda movies, its accurate portrayals of life depicted what Latin women really are: fiery temptresses Hell-bent on bedding as many white men as their ladyparts could handle. Latin America, I understand, is also primarily Catholic. If "Maria" couldn't use the teachings of her Faith to resist her adulterous impulses, she is as much to blame for this tragedy as Mrs. Sanford.

This brings us to the elephant in the living room that we defenders of family need to bring up, for the good of Our Nation: Sonia Sotomayor

Who is to say that once she's seated on the Supreme Court, Señorita Sotomayor won't begin using her feminine wiles on her fellow justices and ruin their marriages, too? Given her membership in a radical lesbian separatist organization, she'd probably set her sights on Justice Ginsburg, just for the sport of it. I fervently hope one of our conscientious Republican senators asks her about this and gets to the bottom of this sordid affair.

Hopefully the menace Judge Sotomayor poses to Traditional Marriage will galvanize the flagging campaign against her and prevent her from being confirmed. If we hope to preserve Our Nation's Values, it is essential that the Supreme Court have only strong guardians of Morality, like Justices Scalia and Thomas. Praise Him!

The four bridesmaids of the Apocalypse

While I've found denial to be an effective strategy for dealing with most of the challenges Our Nation faces ("global" "warming," the Israeli-Palestinian "conflict," the Iraq "war," "etc."), there is one area where it has actually been counterproductive: "gay" "marriage." The Belief that America's judges would consider anal sex as revolting as the majority of the citizens they allegedly serve do and ship the whole lot of those perverts off to some desert island like Massachusetts seems to have been, in hindsight, a bit foolhardy, and we are now paying the price for our naivete (like that word? It was in a crossword puzzle this week). While we slept, Americans found one of their most cherished Freedoms, the Freedom to deny radical homosexual activists the right to marry, stolen from us by those terrorists in black, and the results promise to be utterly catastrophic:

Christian attorney Steve Crampton says the California Supreme Court abandoned the rule of law and common sense with its decision today that re-defined marriage. ...
"This opinion, in many respects, is like a legal tsunami -- and it's not going to stop at the borders of the state of California," warns Crampton. "It's going to affect the rest of us whether we want it to or not ... and we better be ready and we better be ready for a fight."

Tsunamis, as we well now, are what God unleashes upon a sinful people who have displeased Him for being wicked, or Buddhist. And while California's sins are grave and many, I find it hard to believe that there are that many Buddhists in this state to warrant this kind of punishment. Fortunately, as in Myanmar, an army has already mobilized to keep this destructive force out of its boundaries and guard its precious sovereignty:

Pro-family forces in the state have been preparing for the decision. More than one million signatures have been collected for a ballot initiative that would place a state constitutional marriage amendment on the November ballot. Crampton says Liberty Counsel will file a motion in the next few days in an effort to have today's ruling put on hold until after November.

I can only Pray their plan will come to fruition, and soon. This morning, as I took my seat at the reception desk, I had the misfortune of hearing the tail-end of the male hairdressers' conversation. "Julio will make me an honest woman yet," said my archnemesis Chris, before he and the other hens erupted into peals of girlish laughter. It is simply unconscionable that level of cruelty can be inflicted on America's Christians. With any luck, it will be directed where truly it belongs, back on the homos. Praise Him!

Wedding Belle Blues

I read on Protein Wisdom she was Lesbian-Until-Graduation and a total pothead.

The Walt Disney Corporation has turned so many of Our Nation's children into radical homosexual activists that it came as quite a shock to learn they've introduced a line of bridal gowns -- for women, no less! -- inspired by their princess characters. I don't know how large the market for traditional weddings can be in the present age, what with our headlong rush into canine polygamy and all, but I salute any capitalist enterprise that bolster Traditional Marriage in the Holiest way imaginable: by gnawing the last bits of carrion off its bones.

You've heard of a bridezilla. Meet a new breed: the princesszilla. She was created and nurtured in the Disney laboratory, and for the company she has become a dream come true. "Princess" is Disney-speak—a sort of noun-adjective you'd hear in a sentence such as"Your hair is, like, so princess today!"—for its plan to market Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Belle and the girls to world domination. They're almost there. Princess is a $4 billion business that's on its way to becoming the most successful marketing venture ever. (Mickey Mouse pulls in $6 billion annually, but he's been working it for decades.) When it was created in 2000, the Princess line was geared to kids and tweens, but in the past year Disney has begun going after middle-class women like Timberman. There's actually an entire line of Princess wedding dresses (in case you're more of a Cinderella) with matching jewelry and tiaras. Sleepwear and housewares are next.

I for one welcome the oncoming wave of merchandising, for it may succeed where others have failed. Prior attempts at selling the joys of heterosexuality or appealing to their sense of Virtue couldn't lure today's young women away from the homosexual lifestyle, but maybe consumerism can. Just the thought of spending my days surrounded by Little Mermaid toilet bowl brushes and salad spinners is enought to make we want to settle down and get pregnant. Praise Him!