Kawan TTC i forward this message @ my wassap last week. A letter written by a lady who failed her IVF. Lepas baca, i terus rasa... yes... that was the same feeling that i felt after my IVFs failure, Despite the grief and sadness of failed IVF, there was a sense of gratefulness for having to experience being 'preggy' even though for only 11 days. Here goes the letter .... To our little embryos, the ones that failed to implant after our IVF transfer: I wish I knew why things work out the way they do, but I don’t. I don’t know why you didn’t stick around (literally) the way I hoped and prayed you would. I don’t know why our IVF transfer failed, why you didn’t grow into the beautiful little babies I imagined you could have been. I don’t know why I’ll never get to hear your hearts beat, feel your tiny feet kick, or swell with your growing life inside of me. I don’t know why you weren’t meant to become my children. I don’t know why the children I already have won’t get to call y...

7 May - after negative blood test result, doc asked me to come to the clinic for second test. The bleeding hasn't stop since last friday (4th May). Though it was still small spotting, it was fresh blood. Doc asked me how i feel. I just said  'i'm ok. It just feel that i'm going to have a period soon'. But according to her, my spotting was too early to be called period spotting. She asked to scan me just to confirm what was happening inside. Once the probe was inside me, there they are...the 2embryos that were placed inside my uterus. I can see it clearly. Just a tiny 2 little dot which according to doc look like 2 baby sac. The doc said looking at the embryos, it seems like i am pregnant. I was speechless. She move the probe to get different view of the embies and still came to the same conclusion. She asked me to take another blood test just to confirm and i need to take progesteron injection just in case i was pregnant. Mind u, the injection hurt like h**** co...

Feeling much better already (as compared to last Friday). But still coping slowly... Still can't talk about it openly and without a heartache or tears. But I can smile & laugh when see funny things/jokes on TV. I can joke around with my hubby. The heart is healing.... slowly. We went to Jusco yesterday... (retail theraphy?? heheheh) Feel so good that I can walk around without the need to be cautious. Hubby wants to buy some clothes and i pun tumpang sekaki beli kasut (kasut kerja i dah nak tercabut tapak...). I have been off from cooking since after the OPU until now. Since this morning doc had confirmed that my  beta HCG is still negative, I think its time to start living my life 'normally' (I'll miss being pampered and get to rest all day long... hehehehe) :-P But I'm still contemplating whether want to go to work or not tomorrow.... Hmmmm.... Thank you for all the motivation & support that you left in my previous entry. Sangat-sangat terharu and it ...

I have been spotting for the past 3 days. Just a brownish spotting. Spotting... then totally gone. Spotting, then totally gone again. Spotting, then totally gone. Worried... yes I was worried. But as much as I can, I tried to stay positive and pray harder. This morning, I went for my Beta HCG blood test. I just keep positive thought. Deep down inside, I feel that I would have positive result. I pray harder to Allah...hoping that my TTC journey could end today. 1 pm - It was no more brownish spotting. It was fresh red blood and it was a stain. I keep on praying... 3.30 pm - Msg from my Doc. The test came back negative. The embies was not implanting. I feel the world was silent for a moment. I was trying to gain my composure and try to face the news bravely. I keep telling myself, be strong... it is not the end of the world. I went upstairs to tell my hubby about the news. And when I saw his face, all the hell break loose. I just cry and cry and cry. I can't even convey the D...

I'm at 6 DPT. (Ya Allah...semoga my embies dah selamat melalui implantation process... Amin). Last Friday evening until Saturday night, I had brownish discharged. I was really scared. Msg my doc, but doc said don't worry too much and have plenty of rest. Tried to do as what the doc said... but it is hard not to worry right? Alhamdulillah it totally stop on sunday morning. Legaaaa rasanya :-) What did i do for the past few days? I did all the rest that i can take. Memang macam princess. Just lay down infront of TV, watching TV and just get up for meals, toilet call and solat. If i wasn't watching TV, i would surf internet and google everything about embryo until i got tired of it. Heheheh... (err...princess ke? macam org sakit ada la...hehheheh). Hmmm... feel like time passes by too slow for me. Anyway, for sharing purpose, let see what happend inside, after the embryo transfer. Source: http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org 3-Day Transfer Days Past Transfer (DPT) ...

We arrived at the hospital at 8.30 am. Sajer datang awal sebab takut sangkut traffic. You know KL... the traffic cannot be predicted. After taking breakfast at the hospital cafe, we proceed to registration counter and went to the waiting room.It was a nerve wrecking waiting... Since the procedure is just like IUI, I need to have a full bladder to ensure that Doc can see through the ultrasound. I drank a lot of water starting at 9.45 am. Too much water, that i need to 'leak' some of it (hahahha...sorry readers... a bit gross). During the waiting time, I sempat tengok Nanny 119. Around 5 minutes to 11am, Nurse dah panggil to get ready for the Embryo Transfer procedure. Got change into operation scrub, and went to the operation theater, the same place where i did my Ovum Pick up procedure. Before we started the ET, Doc showed me the embrios. The image was showed on computer screen. No words can describe my feeling at that time. I was so happy, beyond words... seeing for the fi...

And i thought 'taking injection' is the worst part of all. How misguided i was. Malam before OPU tu macam x berapa leh nak lelap. At 5 am, memang dah tak leh tido dah... Sharp pkol 6, terus bangn and mandi. Around 6.45 am, kami pun bergerak ke hospital. After registration, dibawa ke wad. Salin pakaian untuk operation and tunggu. Around 8.30 am doctor bius datang. Lepas dia explain serba sedikit, nurse plak datang...alamak... kena amik 2 injection lak...according to nurse injection tu untuk penenang... True enough, a few minutes after the injection i jadik macam mamai... hahhahha.... kemudian nurse sorong i masuk operation theater. Tapi ada masalah la pulak... pintu rosak. daun pintu hanya boleh dibuka sebelah sahaja. Puas digodek-godek dek nurse2 tu, x mau juga dia terbuka. akhir sekali, saya kena bangun and ditolak masuk menggunakan wheelchair. Sampai dalam OT, everything is ready. I baring atas katil bedah, doc bagi mask and tak lama kemudian i pun zzzzzz... Can't...

Went to see my Gynea for follow up this morning. Alhamdulillah...berkat doa semua we do have a few eggs (erk...rasa macam ayam lak!) yang dah menepati syarat. Walaupun less than 10, but I feel really thankful to Allah...coz at least we have eggs! So, as explained before, the next step is OPU (Ovum pick up). My Gynea scheduled the OPU on this coming Saturday morning. Since the procedure is in the morning, we need to come as early as possible to clear all the admission matter. Well...I'm not going to be warded. It just a daycare and according to the doc i'll be able to go home in the evening. Tomorrow morning i'll still be working. Finishing up all the loose ends before i'm taking 2 weeks off for rest (yey!!!! x yah keje!). So tonight is my last day of taking injections. No more injection starting tomorrow morning (double yey!!). As a closing to all shots, I took Ovidrel - shots that make your follicles matured and ready for OPU. So for the final day today, there we...

Hari Ahad. Hari saya bermalas-malasan (mmg malas sgt ni!). What did i do today? Watched TV all day long. I did some catch up on 'Running Man' from 1st episode since Friday night. Just managed to finish up to 18th episode petang tadik. Hehehehe... I really like the show. Really funny and buleh gelak sampai pecah perut tengok kelakar diorang yang selamba tu. Yesterday (Saturday), I went for my appointment with the doc. Dari scan tu, nampak macam x berapa memberangsangkan la pertumbuhan follicles ni... So doc increase my shot to 300 IU. Please pray for me... risau lak kalo sikit sgt follicles yg jadik. Doc juga prescribed new injection to be taken starting from Sunday (CD7). The shot is called Orgalutran. This is to prevent the follicles that been stimulated by Gonal being released naturally by the ovaries. Err...scary sikit rupanya ni... So pagi tadik, I took this shot. Tengok jarum memang nampak scary.  Kalo tengok gambo ni, rasanya jarum dia besar sikit dari jarum pen Go...

It was my first time doing self-administered Gonal-F. Cuak gak...takut salah buat (walaupun dah tengok banyak kali kat youtube and dah belajar caranya smalam). Alhamdulillah...ok jer... not a rocket science pun. Sonang yo... heheheh... Rupa sebenar setelah dibuang tutupnya... Just for my record: Doc kata kena amik high protein food. Makan lauk2 and of course sayur. Minum air 2 liter and makan 2 biji putih telur setiap hari. Don't forget... teruskan metformin, folic acid and multivitamin. errr... stok telur dah abis, nampak gaya esok kena ajak MDH shopping barang2 dapur... Waa....bestnya esok cuti! Nak berehat sepuasnya... Till then...

Alhamdulillah... a lot of things to be thankful for... one of it - My lil sis just getting engaged last week.Kenduri bulan 6, Insya-Allah... Another thing, at last... the long awaited AF has arrived on last Sunday night. So yesterday, part of the morning was spent on securing appointment with my Gynea and apply for GL. Got appointment in the afternoon after lunch. I'm officially on CD 2 yesterday and starting taking Gonal-F. Doc's assistant came to my office in the evening to teach me how to inject myself. First time tengok jarum tu, rasa... isyk, macam sakit je ni. But after akak tu tunjuk how to do it... ooo...ok, tak sakit pun. Hehehe...saja je psycho diri sendiri... So starting today, I'll inject myself with Gonal-F prescribed by the doc. Next appointment would be this Saturday. Hopefully everything will went smoothly. Amin... The container for Gonal... Container jer besar... hehehehe The famous Gonal-F