A topic which can be easily relates to everyone as everyone is going to something, and need to understand how to heal. This life is full of light, but there is also times of darkness. Darkness also has its period of time. And there is a very important lesson that Allah swt teach us about. Yes there is times of darkness, there is also time of light. Allah swt tells us that there is both day and night. That Allah swt doesn’t not only gives us night. That there is not only difficulties but there is also ease. And Allah swt gives us both. The fact that there is night and there is day, everything has its own appointed terms, and nothing last forever.
How we can cope within the darkness and how to heal? The mercy of Allah swt is by giving us the ability to heal.
Before the course begin, she (ym) requested for everyone to take a moment and set your intention for this course.- niat. And ask Allah to grant you that niat/intention.
The night is very real. The night will come but the night will also go. Right now, what do we do if we going through a challenge, difficulties, something painful, and how do we begin to heal-What happened when we are in it, in the trial. How we going through it and how can we heal later.
Issues on sadness and depression. A lot of people said it is a combination of biological, cognitive behavior (how people think and act) or environment/relational need. There are aspects and factors that may come together (nothing is black and white).
2 ways to approach this. In islam, we are thought on two important things – how we think, how we processed things, and the second part, how we react to things. Thinking – we have to look at how we processed the world. Negative attribution style – thinking and processing style which relates to depression.
How we processes negative events in our life.
1) Internal vs external (where I place the cause ie I am to blame or something else to blame. i.e when parents divorce, what’s the reason.
2) Stable vs unstable (things are bad right now. Stable i.e it will continue to be bad. Unstable i.e. acknowledge things are bad but it will get better)
3) Local vs global (local i.e. things are bad in this part but the rest are okay vs global i.e. it will always be bad not only in this on part of my life, but it affect everything).
People who have the internal stable global which is the negative attributional style are associated with depression.
The question on why bad things happened to good people?
Many of people has struggle to answer to this question. Some even made them disbelief in God. Ie becomes atheist. Bad things happened, therefore I don’t believe in God. What did Islam said about this - Bad things never happened to Good people.
What Islam tell us about attributional style and how to process bad thing.
The Prophet saw tells us in the very profound hadith “Amazing is the affair of the believer, verily all of his affair is good and this is not for no one except the believer. If something of good/happiness befalls him he is grateful and that is good for him. If something of harm befalls him he is patient and that is good for him” (Saheeh Muslim)”
Things are not always what they seem, and in fact they usually not as what they seem. Have you ever wanted something that bad, that we really beg Allah swt for it. i.e. wake up for tahajjud for the first time of your life, (because you want to marry that person?). but it never happened. And you get very upset. i.e. a mother who doesn’t allow her baby boy who trying to be independent and all the boy could see is he doesn’t get what he want. Without knowing that his mother is actually protecting him.
And this is what happened to Allah swt and Allah swt is higher than any analogy.
Spiritually we are human, we are weak and very impatient. Not only we want what we want it but we want it now. We need to look inside. The reality here is Allah swt is not giving us something that we want because Allah swt is protecting us from it. But perhaps you hate a thing and it is good for you; and perhaps you love a thing and it is bad for you. And Allah Knows, while you know not. (QS 2:216)
We have to start to understand is Allah is not trying to hurt us. Allah is the indefinite source of giving, Allah does not to give harm to give harm. i.e. having a shot. Via needles meeting doctor. Assuming the shot is a medicine, by mercy of your parent getting you a shot to actually help you.
Why do bad things happened to good people.?
Why things never happened to good people. Anytime Allah give hardship to a Believer, it is for their own good. Many reason why??
I.e. for purification.
For so many reasons but one of the reason is so that we wont have to be purify by a hard way in the hereafter (Jahannam). When the believers have been saved from the Fire, then they will be detained on the bridge between Paradise and Hell. There they will settle the scores between them for any wrongs that they did to one another in this world, and when they have been cleansed and purified, they will be given permission to enter Paradise. …. (Hadith Bukhari)
Another reason is to raise their ranks
The Prophet (pbuh) said, If a certain status has previously been decreed by Allah for a person, and he does not attain it by his deeds, Allah afflicts him in his body or wealth or children. ~ Abu Dawud 3090
The Prophet (pbuh) said, nothing befalls a believer, a (prick of a) thorn or more than that, but Allah will raise him one degree in status thereby, or erase a bad deed. ~ Bukhari 5641 | Muslim 2573
Another reason is to brings people back.
And a faction of the People of the Scripture say [to each other], "Believe in that which was revealed to the believers at the beginning of the day and reject it at its end that perhaps they will abandon their religion, (3:72)
A lot of people are lost.
And a lot of people has to be shaken in order to come back. I.e. sickness to make them realize that they in need of Allah when they being hit by calamity.
Another reason is to humble us
When sometimes we become dependent on certain things. i.e. the story of Qarun.
People in Dunya would actually look at him and envy for his wealth. And there is another group of people who had knowledge and used to advise him (Qarun) to be humble and grateful. He said, "I have only been given it because of knowledge I have." Did he not know that before him Allah had destroyed generations with far greater strength than his and far more possessions? The evildoers will not be questioned about their sins. (Qur'an, 28: 78 i.e. “it’s because of me that I had what I had “ – very dangerous way of thinking - Allah gives us a gift and we takes credit for it.
Sometimes we take credit of our own worship in a subtle way – just because we are performing our prayers or wearing our hijab that we think we are better than those who are not.
We are practicing because Allah, the turner of hearts, gives us the Iman.
Guidance is a gift and anything we take for granted can be taken from us.
The Importance of Saying: “O Turner of the hearts, keep my heart firm on your religion” favorite doa by our prophet saw. Those people who look at him and wish to have what he had, they thanks Allah for not having his wealth (the day after he was destroyed).
Husnuzod to Allah. Always, not matter what happen, always have a good opinion to Allah swt. That Allah is doing whats the best for you. [Fundamental belief]. Firm believed. i.e. when Hajar being left with a baby in a desert. Her question was did Allah ask you to do this? Then she was secured. But she doesn’t not sit there sitting. We all followed her foot steps during umrah/hajj. She has full trust on Allah, but she also working hard. Not one she ran once, but 7 times without giving up on Allah swt. when we are so tired, emotionally/mentally tired, and when you feel like it’s never going to end and you are close to give up?
Another reflection was that there is also lesson Allah shows to us in repetition. I.e. one sit-up/push up doesn’t work. How action relations to knowledge.
If we view it as purification/elevation and we will react differently. Having a good opinion of Allah. That whatever He gives you, is Good for you. Analogy of driving to a destination with our mother. We will not worry that she will take us somewhere and harm us, simply because we trust our mother. And our relationship with the driver will impact on how we react.
If we could have more trust that everything Allah gives is good for us, then we will feel more peace.
Internal aspect of the attributional style.
1) Aspect of taking responsibility which is healthy.
There is a very deep difference between healthy responsibility vs unhealthy shame. Ie in islam, in islam, when we do something wrong, we are supposed to feel remorse, feeling regret, and therefore seeking forgiveness. But not despair. Doa of Nabi Adam a.s. seeking forgiveness “My Lord, surely I have wronged myself , forgive me”.
2) Be careful about feeling guilty. It is a tool and trap of Syaitan to keep you away from Allah swt, and therefore you should give up and stop trying. Allah swt never tells us to despair and to give up. Feeling guilty is only healthy when it’s taking you to repent. But unhealthy if that causing you to give up. This happened in religious thinking i.e. what the point of wearing hijab if I am committing with other sins. i.e. I am missing my prayers so what’s the point of wearing this hijab. However it’s not all or none in Allah. He looks in any goodness in our action then multiplies them.
We should never think one deed doesn’t matter as we never know which deed no matter how small actually brings us to Jannah. So when things are bad right now, never think that it wont actually gets better. Everywhere around us is a sign that nothing last forever. So the reality is yes we going through trial but things will gets better.
Doa of Ayub a.s. “Affliction has befallen me: but You are the most merciful of the merciful” he had go thought a lot but at the same time he acknowledged His Mercy. The doa is so beautiful in term of Adap on how to talk to Allah swt.
That’s how a Believer should focus on the light. And the night doesn’t last forever. It’s different with the people who always looking at the night, i.e. focus on the trial.
Inna maal usri yusra – “indeed with the hardship it comes with ease” Allah swt is teaching us with hardship comes ease. Not after hardship comes ease. Even while you are going through your hardship, at the same time there are goodness in it.
What you focus on, grows. i.e. in your life, there are trials, but even within that trial, you have countless things that Allah had given you to give you ease..
We are very-very good at pretending our life is perfect. You have a filter for everything and make it appear to be perfect in your profile. But the reality is no one is prefect. No matter what appears, everyone have trials, they just comes in difference forms. Some are tested with difficulty and some are tested with ease and both are tests. It is how that person processes their life and how they act.
Those who can be resilient event in darkness. They focus on the day rather in the night.
The power of the gratitude even in treating depression as it helps to shift the focus. “'If you are grateful, I will surely increase you in favor; but if you deny, indeed, My punishment is severe.”
even secular psychologist agrees as what we focus on grows. i.e two pictures of boys –
(1) holding a piece of cake with happy face and
(2) holding the entire cake but that one piece and he seems sad.
Although the second boy has more cake, he focus on the missing piece. So the boy with the less cake is happier as he focus on the thing he has.
So ask yourself if you are the type of person who focus on problem?
You do it because you want to find a solution.
But you just be more distracted than finding the actual solution.
Focus on the problem will fall you into an anxiety type of person.
La hawla wala quwwata illa Billah.
No power of strength except by Allah swt. that you are acknowledging that you cannot solve any problem and no power except by Allah swt and we need to turn to Allah swt. And because we are women, we not only carry our own problem, but the rest of the people around us. This is only meant by Allah swt and not difficult to Allah swt.
So how to stop caring and worrying about our kids,
1. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually we must acknowledged that we are not in control. Let go the feeling that “I am in charge”. All control belongs to Allah swt. and when you let go of that, turn to Allah swt.
2. But at the same time, still doing your part. Remember the story of Hajar a.s. she accepted that her husband needs to leave her following Allah swt words, but she still working hard running between the two hills. Or the story of Musa a.s. he still needs to do his action to strike the sea but only Allah swt opened the sea into half. The reality was not his action who makes the sea split. No argument on “why?”. Its "Sami'na Wa Atho'na". Absolute submission. Ask yourself anything you can do within your ability to overcome it. Make doa ask for ease and let go your worry to Allah swt. We actually can control on the passing thought/khuatir. We cannot control who’s knocking on our door but we can control who we let into our house. We have negative toxic thoughts, i.e. despair/horrible/negativity but we should now let this thoughts to linger/comes into our mind. If you have tried your best to manage it then make doa may Allah ease your difficulties and stop the negative thought.
Istiqarah is under the umbrella of Doa and it is a specific type of doa where Allah swt has taught us on how to turn to Him and ask Him to direct us.
The concept of istiqarah is not necessary about having a dream or feeling. We don’t necessarily know the meaning/source of dreams or feelings. The determining factor is how things finally unfold. With or without a break walls? so many of us misunderstand istikhara. It's not about seeing a sign or a dream or even necessarily having a feeling about something. Although, any of these may occur. Istikhara is about letting go of the steering wheel. It's about admitting to yourself and God that you don't know the Unseen, and that you are not able to make things happen in the best way. It is the acknowledgement that God *does* know the Unseen, and God *is* able to make everything happen, in the best way. Istikhara is getting out of the driver's seat and asking God to take over the steering wheel of your life, and the decisions you're making. It is asking Allah to steer and do what's best for you, in this life and the next. Istikhara is a protection. There are so many times when we are set on a course that is destructive. Istikhara doesn't allow that course to occur. And after istikhara, any course that *does* occur is for our best--even if it bring about pain. Many people get confused. They wonder why a marriage failed or a job fell apart if they prayed istikhara. But Istikhara doesn't promise a painless path. It promises *what's best in the end*. Sometimes that 'road to what's best' is windy. Sometimes it's covered with thorns. But always, always, in the end, the destination is where you're meant to be.
Where you're meant to fulfill your highest destiny and purpose. Be careful not to rely on yourself as you navigate through life and make decisions. Be very careful to always, always rely on God. Because every single one of us is blind. Read the translation for doa of istiqarah. If it is good for you, Allah swt will open the door for you. And not necessary only for marriage.
O Allah, I seek Your guidance [in making a choice] by virtue of Your knowledge, and I seek ability by virtue of Your power, and I ask You of Your great bounty. You have power, I have none. And You know, I know not. You are the Knower of hidden things. O Allah, if in Your knowledge, this matter (then it should be mentioned by name) is good for me both in this world and in the Hereafter (or: in my religion, my livelihood and my affairs), then ordain it for me, make it easy for me, and bless it for me. And if in Your knowledge it is bad for me and for my religion, my livelihood and my affairs (or: for me both in this world and the next), then turn me away from it, [and turn it away from me], and ordain for me the good wherever it may be and make me pleased with it.”Allaahumma inni astakheeruka bi ‘ilmika wa astaqdiruka bi qudratika wa as’aluka min fadlika, fa innaka taqdiru wa laa aqdir, wa ta’lamu wa laa a’lam, wa anta ‘allaam al-ghuyoob. Allaahumma fa in kunta ta’lamu haadha’l-amra (then the matter should be mentioned by name) khayran li fi ‘aajil amri wa aajilihi (or: fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri) faqdurhu li wa yassirhu li thumma baarik li fihi. Allaahumma wa in kunta ta’lamu annahu sharrun li fi deeni wa ma’aashi wa ‘aaqibati amri (or: fi ‘aajili amri wa aajilihi) fasrifni ‘anhu [wasrafhu ‘anni] waqdur li al-khayr haythu kaana thumma ardini bihi
A lot of people said they performed an istiqarah,
Alhamdulillah finally married but why it’s ended with a divorce?
Doesn’t mean it is bad for you. Only the good things fall to the believer. Istiqarah doesn’t promised you a painless path, it just to get you where you need to be.
The fact that even when you realized that what you going through a hardship but being a human, how do we deal with the pain in the moment? Then, how do we heal after pain.
1. To cope with the pain while in the hardship. Certain things you can do
a. To change the way we think about what’s happening. Not because Allah is being Angry, but rather for your own good. The only way to know if something is a punishment or purification is by how we respond to it. It is not a punishment if it brings you to become a better person and making us astray from Allah swt. even if we found ourselves lost and awat from Him, we can still repent to Allah swt, as long as we are still alive.
b. The practice of gratitude i.e. to count at least 3 things that you are grateful for.
c. One of the most powerful way to cope with pain is to help another person in pain. A portion of happiness is inherited, only about 50%, meaning we can work for another 50% ourselves. One of the most reliable way to increase happiness is to serve others. That when we help another person in difficulties, Allah swt will help our difficulties.
d. What you focus on grows. We need to change on what we focus on. The fact that sometimes we are surrounding ourselves with meaningless things and changes our idea on what is really important about our life. i.e. social media really obsess about appearances.
e. Allah swt had given us the subscriptions/tools on how to help ease our pain:
i. You will not be able to survive this life without salah, like the oxygen for life.
ii. The adzkar – sunnah of prophet s.a.w. certain supplications/doa that he will read throughout his days. Morning and evening supplication. The fortress of the muslim. i.e. can refer to MyDuaa apps. The forgiveness, protection, peace and blessing to the prophet saw and la laa hawla wa laa quwwata illa billah. Also the doa before you sleep., and the rest of your day activities. It creates the protection to the Believer.
iii. The Quran, that a person keeps a consistence relationship with the Quran.
2. Healing after the pain/hardship. So how do we move on, how do we let go?
a. Not to use two different extreme for healing process. Need to treat the wound properly. Don’t just suppressed/numb it. i.e. putting a bandage at the gunshot wound. The treatment is depends on the wound, all the time to seek help from Allah swt and go to the doctor/professional as part of doing our part.
b. Sometimes people are afraid to cry or admit their weakness or open up with Allah swt. During tahajjud/ doa.
c. Don’t picking the scab. Let it properly “cure”. We need to treat our wound from our past but sometimes people do the opposite and keep on focus on the wound itself. Like keeping it replay, and obsess with it. We are not supposed to become obsess and stuck in the past. “the past is the place of reference and not the place of resident”. Like the rear view mirror for reference while driving. A tool of Syaitan, to keep reminding you on the painful things.
Giving advice is essential but we just have to make sure that it come from a place of concern and compassion and not from a place of arrogant and self-richness where we feel that we are better. We have to be grateful to Allah swt for our religion. Be mindful that it is a gift.
May Allah swt to accept our doa from you and me, for Him to ease our affair.
Jazakumullahu khairan kathira.