deadCENTER, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, North America, United States, Western Hemisphere, Earth

Our very own Shelby Button (AKA Charlie Parsley, AKA Farm Boy) went to OKC's premiere film festival featuring serious cinematic features as indicated in the shot above (the aftermath of some bad Popeye's methinks) and then turned around and filed a report over at the House Next Door.

The Peter Principle: Why things always go wrong.

by Charlie Parsley
Incompetence is everywhere. Structures collapse due to faulty design. A theater house is built without enough seating for the theatrical productions. Motorists complain about problems in new cars. High school students cannot read. Sales clerks are insolent. Politicians are indecisive and ineffective.

As a reporter, Raymond Hull has had a variety of opportunities to study the workings of civilized society, and has repeatedly encountered incompetence in nearly every segment of industry. He has investigated and written about government, business, education, and has interviewed people from a variety of professions. He has noticed that, with few exceptions, men ‘bungle their affairs’.

Mr. Hull began asking questions of his acquaintances, and heard plenty of theories about why we’re in the state we’re in. Political irresponsibility. Fiscal crisis. Social changes. One night, during an intermission at a theater performance, Mr. Hull met Dr. Laurence J. Peter, and discovered that they shared this field of interest, as Dr. Peter was a scientist studying incompetence. They met after the show and spent a long evening discussing the doctor’s findings.

Together, they discovered commonalities among their observations. They have outlined these concepts and theories, and have made them available to the casual reader in a handsome 1969 paperback publication.

The Peter Principle: Why things always go wrong, by Dr. Laurence J. Peter and Raymond Hull. A Bantam Book, copyright 1969.

The Peter Principle applies to laws such as that of Murphy’s: a sort of theoretical social science. The Peter Principle describes the workings of a hierarchy, and so can be said to be the study of hierarchiology.

Dr. Peter hypothesized that the cause of workplace incompetence was an aspect of the way employees are chosen and placed in their position. Additional forces applied from the pyramidal chain-of-command structures predetermine how said employee will then rise up through the hierarchy in their workplace. A particular employee may advance from an entry-level role into a position with responsibility. It is in this moving, or, repositioning as is the current term, which will make all the difference.

If said employee is competent in the new role, he will then be eligible for promotion into another position. If said employee is not competent, then he will not be eligible. Therefore, he will remain in the position he is incompetent at. If said employee is competent as said before, promotion can and likely will continue until the employee reaches a plateau where he is no longer competent in the role and will therefore not be promoted again. Advancement up the hierarchy will continue until an employee is ineligible to proceed any further. He has then ‘reached his level of his incompetence.’

Dr. Peter discovered a commonality: employees are first placed in a role they are competent at. Because of this competence, they are then promoted into another role, which may demand new skills. If the employee is not competent in the new position, then there will be no further promotion, and the employee is then stuck in that role.

“In time, every post tends to be occupied by an employee who is incompetent to carry out its duties.”

“In a hierarchy, every employee tends to rise to his level of incompetence.”

Mr. Hull goes on to provide ‘Case Studies’ of particular persons with thoughtful pseudo-names such as Mr. C. Breeze, D. Roane, Mr. B. Lunt, Miss P. Saucier of the Lomark Department Stores, Captain N. Chatters, General Goodwin, Roly Koster, and many more. Such names make page turning enjoyable, as the names are continually fresh and new, and never repeated.

Case studies provide insightful and believable profiles of the moderately competent worker, the competent worker and the incompetent, and how advancement for all will result in failure at some point.

A good, industrious auto mechanic, while and expert with cars, may become an auto shop owner, where he will continue to manage the cars rather than the finances or the other employees. Other employees may lag in their productivity if no one will provide the organization and coordination with the customers.

A current example: Arnold Schwarzenegger. Schwarzenegger has achieved his success from presenting himself to he public through bodybuilding and then films. He has excelled at entertainment. Yet he has now advanced into a higher public role with a very different skill set, that of politician, for which he has no prior experience. Has he reached his level of incompetence?

In the Realm of the Senses (1976)

by Charlie ParsleyAfter the recent examination of the samurai, I suggest to continue the study of Japanese cinema with another subject: the geisha.

Geishas are punk rock like the samurai and will pull a knife on you just as fast if you yank their chain. They have less respect for love. They are not particularly virtuous. They will say what you want to hear. They wear that mask of makeup. They have a look. I love the robes of the Japanese, oh how I would enjoy an appropriately fitted men's outfit in a formal style the fabrics are luscious and the patterns are exquisite.

Realm is all about the sexual revolution. It is of the time. And yet it is timeless, as time less as prostitution. Is prostitution an aspect of a sexual revolution? Perhaps sexual revolutions are going on all the time around us, and only a few of us notice. Only a few are bravely open and unashamed, unabashed with their notions of sexuality. A free accepting of sexuality, a comfortable understanding of it. Some may disapprove of so called promiscuous behavior. Sexual appetites vary as widely as sexual tastes. There are as many sexualities as there are people walking on the street.

The Japanese like to quietly slide the paper panels of a room to gently peer inside at the goings-on. As the walls are paper thin, it is usually no secret about what might be transpiring a few feet away. A geisha will wait
while you finish up. She is here to entertain you. she can strum a guitar and sing. She can do this sitting on a pillow and she can also do this sitting on your excitable lap. Which do you prefer? Yes thank you. please keep playing or else my wife will be suspicious.

The filmmaker has an attitude similar to the golden era of 70s pornography. The sexual situations are incorporated into the story in a non exploitative way. the characters interact in an environment with much openness and transparency, as there isn't much that truly happens behind closed doors. It isn't that the characters are particularly immoral, they are just more accepting of sex. They enjoy it. It is a part of the daily ritual.

The author concludes with a description of his favorite scene. There is a very hardcore depiction of oral sex which is both acted and photographed very well. It is enjoyable for the beauty of the characters it captures. The male reclines on a couch while the female is preoccupied with polishing his sword. He leisurely lights a cigarette and then says to her that she is a remarkable woman. A very Playboy mansion vibe, trashy but classy. The sex
scenes in the film are well done and the film as a whole is quite engaging.

Hanzo 2

by Charlie ParsleyA reader might come away with the impression that the Hanzo samurai films give a misogynistic treatment towards women and excessively violent interactions among the men. However, messages throughout the film suggest the contrary. The men that cross Hanzo are physically assaulted as punishment for their transgressions. Hanzo explains that a short period of pain is better than a long period of imprisonment and the scars they will carry from it will toughen them. They agree with him and thank him for this. The women are spared from such physical disfigurement, but they must also be punished for their wrongdoing. Hanzo’s torture for them provides pleasure as well as pain and does not result in disfiguring scars. Once again, his victims are thankful to him for this consideration. Hanzo does not act for his own satisfaction as James Bond would do, he is simply carrying out his duties in a very thoughtful way. A person must look beyond the first impression and peer deep into the bloodstained layers enveloping sex and violence.Hanzo 2: The Snare opens with a CSI styled crime scene. The victim is a woman. When Hanzo and a few of his colleagues discover her, there is a fair amount of exposition between them to set up the story. This viewer appreciates this as it allows more time for the sex scenes.They determine that the woman has recently had an abortion and so they pay a visit to the clinic. It is a place for women, men are not allowed. When women are free of the company of men they are often naked, behaving wildly and communicating with some kind of greater nature spirit. When they are in the company of men they sit quietly and speak softly with their naturalness obviously suppressed. The women’s wild sexuality contrasts with the masculine penchant for violence. The men are enchanted with the women’s sex, and the women admire the men’s fighting.Hanzo has no respect for any of this when criminals are involved. He will confront anyone at any time to carry out his mission of justice. He is skillful with his sword but as we know it is not the only weapon he will use. His choice of weapons and his ability with them could be described here at length, but perhaps it would motivate the reader to view the film and witness firsthand what Hanzo can do. Samurai should continually practice using their swords and Hanzo’s maneuvers are very instructive. Not only can he make a woman’s head spin, he can scare the shit out of men.

Hanzo locates the victim’s family and brings her body to them. Their pain and heartache is apparent, but this does not keep Hanzo from blaming them for their daughter's demise because they have not kept watch over her. The parents admit they had no idea where she had been or what she had been doing. Other characters readily agree that the parents hold this responsibility. In their culture the responsibility of the parents is readily acknowledged whereas other cultures are only recently coming to terms with this.Another situation which seems peculiar in Japanese films is the proclivity for eavesdroppers and voyeurs to peer through half opened windows and holes in walls. Secretive meetings are discovered and sexual intercourse is watched. In an environment filled with thin movable screens and sliding windows it becomes a commonplace occurrence.

Because the weapons in violent confrontations are knives and swords, instead of sharp and explosive gunfire, the battle scenes are filled with bloodcurdling screams. This viewer has difficulty in selecting a preference.Towards the end of Hanzo 2 I have identified a common movie contrivance which apparently crosses cultures. In the final duel scene, the fighting comes to an abrupt halt because clearly one of the combatants has been struck, but due to the expressionless faces we do not know who it is. For a full minute the characters and camera slowly move away until we are allowed to see who the victor is.

Hanzo 1

by Charlie ParsleyHanzo the Razor: Sword of Justice from Toho Company Ltd.During the time that the series of films about Hanzo the samurai were made, cultural adventurousness allowed more open expressions of violent as well as sexual interactions. Therefore, the films about Hanzo contain scenes of adult situations.The Japanese film opens with a funky tune from a jazz combo not unlike the tracks from classic blaxploitation films from the late seventies. It is very American sounding music to my ears and I envision taxicabs zipping through the grimy streets of an urban ghetto. Instead, the camera shows us the tiled roofs and pebbled pathways of a Japanese town. Perhaps it is a gritty Japanese ghetto riddled with criminals like any blighted urban area, but the austerity of the architecture in its gentle gray tones and the subdued manner of its people create a quaint and picturesque setting. It is free of neon signage and streetlights and purple Monte Carlos. The porno-style chicka-bomp seems out of place here and yet there it is.And here comes Hanzo the samurai strutting down the street like Travolta, on his way to a meeting of the local samurai. Their purpose is to provide security and legal enforcement just like American police. However, just like American police, they are inclined to accept bribery and overlook certain law breaking activities as it suits their tastes. Hanzo refuses to cooperate with these unjust practices and confronts the head magistrate about this. Honzo is the loose cannon that won’t accept the corruption. He does not accept excuses that pass responsibility of legal enforcement on to other agencies. He intends to follow the true mission of the samurai and shed light on the injustices of his peers and open their eyes to their misdeeds, a very noble although somewhat typical way to begin a rogue cop film.The first task Hanzo sets for himself on this mission is to subject himself to the types of torture that is inflicted upon the criminals that are prosecuted. This relates to the current trend of police officers zapping each other with tasers. The intention is for the officers to experience what the criminals will be experiencing, but perhaps there is more to it than that. When Hanzo emerges from the tortures he has subjected himself to, his fellow samurai observe that Hanzo’s masculinity has been fully stimulated. The funky music returns to compliment the mysterious and wonderful relationship of pleasure and pain, of sex and violence.Hanzo sets about his work enforcing the local laws and pursuing informants that will direct him towards his goals. After his beat on the street, he reenergizes himself in a type of gymnasium-bathhouse. It is specially designed to provide a workout to strengthen the source of Hanzo’s power and determination: his dick. Cue funky music, but this time with a mellow and leisurely vibe. He invigorates it with icy cold water. He toughens it strikes from a wooden stick. He fortifies it in some interesting ways, and he is then prepared to continue his mission.The men that Hanzo captures to draw information from are pierced with knives and swords, resulting in broken noses and opportunities to display graphic depictions of spurting blood. A female suspect is among those Hanzo intends to question. His approach for her is quite different and we know that Hanzo is well prepared for it. Once he has captured her, he uses his weapon to make her talk. Whereas the men will beg Hanzo to stop stabbing them with swords, the woman begs Hanzo to not stop, for when he does stop, her screaming is as loud as the others. He places his meatsword back inside of her, stating: “this will make it easier for you to talk.”The other samurai are aware of Hanzo’s exceptional abilities and they comment on the large size of his weaponry, confirming the suspicions of this viewer who is familiar with this type of artillery. As with all films, exaggeration enhances drama.

Overall, the film has a subdued and spacious quality to it. Most scenes are spoken dialogue without music. This peacefulness highlights the sharp screaming from the scenes of violence when bringing the criminals to justice. It can become quite unsettling when unexpected. Because there is no music during the usual business of the film, when the funky music comes in the viewer knows to set aside the snack bowl and pay attention.This writer learned a few interesting things from Hanzo. In one scene where Hanzo is confronting some criminals, they threaten him with violence. Hanzo then drops his kimono and reveals to them the scars he has from his tortures, explaining that he has no fear of that. I myself have a missing tooth, and I have felt that because I have experienced an abrupt and unclinical removal of such, I am not afraid of a situation where this might happen again.Hanzo is lucky enough to have another female informant to question and she is lucky enough to have Hanzo find her. He has her bound up and suspended in a net above a platform and he tortures her in his unique way. Without going into salacious detail, the writer will simply state that Hanzo’s techniques are breathtaking. I have used the word lucky in the first sentence, but I will observe that Hanzo does not appear to feel lucky or act pleased with his work. He is simply carrying out his duties. The females, however, repeatedly ask him not to stop doing what he is doing, for when he stops, this is the torture. Perhaps it says more about the writer than the characters to use the word lucky.I will conclude with that thought provoking observation. I appreciate why this assignment was given to me because I learned something from it.

Political Ties

By Charlie Parsley

Hasn’t it been confirmed that it was during the 2000 Presidential hoo-ha when the color Red was assigned to Republicans to represent their Soviet-like bloodthirst for control, and Blue was assigned the Democrats because of their mellow benevolence in passing around money to people that haven’t really earned it. The terms Red State and Blue State have since been in use, and the code has subtly transferred itself into other realms of color-scheming. It will likely be denied, but when a politician is to give a speech most certainly some consideration has been given to the color of his or her tie or power suit.

Notice that politician’s neckties are generally solid colored and not striped or patterned. If there is a pattern it is low-key with a dominant background color. News commentators and reporters are more likely to display ties with bold patterns or strong colors outside of the red/blue code. Everyone knows that a loud tie on a politician effects the same consequences as throwing up on a foreign dignitary, stumbling down some steps, growing a beard or smoking a cigarette.

In discussing current State Of The Union Address, a prediction was (correctly) given that Mr. Bush’s tie of choice on Tuesday would be Light Blue. The message although unstated is clear: considering the problems with Iraq, Mr. Bush will set aside the Red tie he has boldly worn throughout his presidency. He is now looking at the Blue ties. Not a confidently deep Blue, but a lighter, gentle Blueness will send a message that may or may not be in his spoken words.

Red and Blue combined creates Purple which is most Un-American. So it may be that Red and Blue will remain forever separated, a boundary delineated with Neutral White. Even now as discussions build about the 2008 election, there is the same old statement thrown around about the people being Ready For A Change because they are tired of Business As Usual. Yet all that will happen is a switch from Red to Blue to Red to Blue to Red to Blue. A political yin-yang.

Reds and Blues are usually evenly divided 50/50 in U.S. representation. It allows for arguing of both sides which often does result in a stalemate of some sort wherein nothing gets done.

Perhaps this is for the best. Definitive decisions really do not need to be made about teaching things in schools or going back to the moon or marriages or abortions or pornography. Let the discussions about them never end.

If the people are ever truly ready for change, this author suggests the color Green. The politics of Green are admirable and deserving of opportunity. The combination Red-Green-Blue is more lively and invigorating than Red-White-Blue. Stars and Trees forever.

What To Do With All Those Terrible Gifts

By Charlie ParsleyHow many of us did not bother to open the tin of Danish Sugar Cookies because we gave them that very same day to our brother whom we know just LOVES Danish Sugar Cookies? Confess! How many of you noticed that what you thought were Danish Sugar Cookies were actually Gabi Butter Cookies, or, Galletas Finas? They are Mexican counterfeits! There is too much coconut in them.

This year, this author attended not just one but two complete rounds of Dirty Santa. The game itself can be enjoyable, but generally the gifts are terrible. In light of this, the author declined participation in either one, citing religious disabilities. He sat in The Balcony, behind that cut-out in the living room wall unnecessarily supported with two colonial pillars which is supposed to help make the living room look bigger. He provided Muppets-style cheers and jeers as was appropriate.

After a long, long hour of undue contemplation around poorly gift-bagged presents in the first game, the author was mildly surprised to conclude that no single gift was desired by him, nor useful in any small capacity. Had an analysis of this situation been premeditated, notes would have taken. Instead, a jovially inebriated memory will have to suffice in order to list the numerous Lame Gifts.

Gift bag full of name branded holiday candies. Wow, more candy for Christmas. Thanks! I was hoping to become diabetic this year. When Hershey’s^TM wraps all those mini candies in red and green I simply cannot resist them.

A hand-crank flashlight. Yes, it might possibly be useful when my old truck breaks down in the middle of the night and I have to go find someplace where a cop won’t catch me peeing. (In Oklahoma, public urination is a sexual assault) However, a cop is sure to stop and investigate this little pale blue light meandering along the roadside. The only time I would really need a hand crank flashlight is when I am looking for my jacket underneath all the barstools at the Sidecar Bar and it is very unlikely that I will be carrying it in the back pocket of my Versace jeans at that time.

A tiny little resin plaque with an inspirational poem written on it. It hangs from a thin chain dotted with tiny colored plastic beads. Its edges are decorated with little painted pansies and metallic butterflies. Hanging from the base of this thing are four tiny metal tubes which also makes it a windchime. So many terrible things in this one gift make it something that I might really keep so I can laugh at it from time to time.

A stuffed small white bear, patterned with red hearts which makes it look like a valentine gift. It is affixed to a plastic base, so it is a decoration and not a toy. Next to the bear sits a small plastic flowerpot of daisies and a miniature gardener’s shovel. Underneath the platform of the sculpture is an On/Off switch, because it plays a highly mechanized rendition of ‘Fur Elise’. Made in China.
Please note: I am not making this up. These are actual gifts.

Hershey’s Chocolate Lover’s Cookbook. Back to the candies and sweets. This one I might consider a good gift, but I am suspicious that most of the recipes will just tell you to chop up some Hershey’s candies and add it to some sort of typical recipe. Reeses’ Peanut Butter Cheesecake makers: you are not fooling anyone.

Starbucks’ Single-Breakfast Double-Mug Gift Box. It is opened by someone who does drink coffee, but they drink Folger’s. They have never tried Starbucks coffee but they are pretty sure they won’t like it. The little packet only has enough coffee for two cups, and the two mugs to put it in are the main part of the gift. The world really does not need any more mugs. The biscotti is already broken. The plastic wrap has greasy fingerprints.

Candle-in-a-jar that smells like lavender. That gift was almost good if only I were an elderly grandmother.

Burt’s Bees Mini-Tiny Things Sampler. Maybe I can wash my butt with that mini-bottle of body wash. Everything else smells kind of weird and even the girls who smelled it agreed.

A big pan of homemade peanut brittle. Usually I give a lot of credit towards anything that is homemade, but I notice chunks of unmelted butter/margarine among the peanuts with traces of white powder. The chef has overestimated her abilities as well as our appetites.

To conclude this sad parade, the Grand Marshall of 2006 appeared at both Dirty Santa games. It is a small toy animal designed to be filled with brown jellybeans. When its back is depressed, the candy is dispensed from beneath its tail. This treasure, which my grandmother carried home, wears the winning badge of distinction: its price tag. $6.99.

What to do with items such as these? Re-gifting is a risky and obvious maneuver. Thus, the author suggests Stealth Re-Gifting, that is, within the same season. Dust-collecting holdover re-gifts are sure to deliver only denigration and regret. The best solution is to simply place these items in the garbage. Keep America strong!

As it may concern so-called unwanted liquors or spirits, there is no excuse. A red wine that might not be to one’s liking can certainly be used in the marinara sauce. To say that one does not have a taste for gin is to admit to one’s white trash upbringing. Even the half-empty bottle of whisky must be enjoyed no matter whose spittle might be swimming around in it. Alcohol sterilizes things for Pete’s sake. Turn that frown upside down and drink your Christmas present.

That War in Iraq

By Charles ParsleyWhat with the renewed interest in the War in Iraq, I myself have many questions about what is being said about the war and what to do about it. I'd like to hear some dialogue from the contributors at Liverputty, if we can keep a discussion from becoming an argument.

The main thing that I find very surprising about the War in Iraq are the numbers of troops that are being given. I have heard estimates that there are about 140,000 troops there now, with the possibility of sending 20,000 more. These numbers seem very low, especially when military commanders then say that they are 'stretched thin as it is', and that finding additional resources will be difficult.

How is it that the US would have difficulty sending troops someplace? Aren't we the world's military superpower, or am I mistaken? Does China have more troops on-call than we do? Surely the insurgents in Iraq cannot outnumber American troops.

Why does the US have difficulty with these wars, such as Vietnam? I am wondering, since World War Two, has the US been able to claim a clear victory in any war since? Even the war on drugs and the war on poverty and the war on christmas are being lost.

After reading through the numerous articles in Wikipedia, I discovered a few surprising things. Also, I discovered the first gratuitous vandalism I have come across in a wikipedia article: the page about George W. Bush himself. This article about GWB may be a good litmus test of the limitations of Wikipedia's open-sourceness. Can Wikipedia create an accurate and uncontested and unvandalized profile of George W? As long as the article is open to editing, surely it gets altered on an hourly basis.

Accepting these limitations in Wikipedia is what prompts my questioning. However, if Wikipedia cannot put forth reasonably accurate information with all of its contributors and references and cross-refernces, who is it that can verify 'facts' about the war?

In addition to the number of troops the US has available to utilize, I am surprised with these numbers:

The estimated expense of the Iraq War as of December 2006: 350 billion, and,

The miltary says it has lost forty percent of its equipment (ground vehicles and helicopters mostly) in Iraq, and it will take an additional 3 or 4 billion to replace it.

Should the war continue at its current pace, in a few months the military may say it has lost fifty percent of its equipment. I find this... unbelievable. Nearly half of the military's equipment has been damaged or destroyed in Iraq?

Another question which I find many others asking: Why didn't the US stop once Saddam was captured? Maybe the WMD claims were inaccurate, or maybe they were accurate but the weapons were stealthily removed. Yet it is undeniable that Hussein was captured and put on trial. Why wasn't that the victory?

I will admit that one opinion of mine has changed since the war started. At first, I was among those who thought that the invasion was mainly to secure American business interests as related to oil. Now, it seems like having access to the oil in the region is small potatoes.

However, I never expected that the Iraqis would really welcome the Americans as liberators. It seems like they really do want us to get out of there.

Heracles

Portrait of Hercules. Pen and ink illustration in navy cloth covered library book. The picture is accompanying an abridged version of his biography. He reclines luxuriously upon a bearskin rug, sitting before a fire. He wears a lion skin tunic of thick dark fur. His muscular arms and legs are left uncovered. His handsome smile wears a beard. Many women surround him and enchant him with dances. I believe there was wine available to him as well as fruits.

A portrait of power and strength. He is the iconic independent, self-made man who relishes meeting challenges. He is a role model unto the cult of the masculine. In Greek mythology, Hercules was a divine/super hero: the son of Zeus/Jupiter. He was the greatest of the Greek heroes and a paragon of masculinity. According to the generally accepted accounts of his life, he’s a lot like Superman: half mortal, half immortal. Seeking adventure and righting wrongs. However, his background has darker moments. His prime directive, kill or be killed, challenges him mentally as well as physically. In storytellings, these darker elements are usually passed over in favor of glorifying his heroic accomplishments and virtuous, masculine ways.

Steve Reeves does excellent work in a short tunic portraying the classic Greek hero in two Italian productions from the late fifties. Hercules (1958) directed by Pietro Francisci, became an international success due to Reeve’s commanding presence, good looks, mesmerizing physique and handsome smile. Francisci promptly followed it with Hercules Unchained in 1959.

Hercules’ script draws from the tale of Jason and the Argonauts. The role of Hercules is expanded, and elements of his twelve labors as well as his future wife Iole are included. It is worth noting that for the film, Hercules' youthful companion Hylas is replaced by the young Ulysses as a traveling comapnion/sidekick.

Both films are beautifully photographed in breathtaking Mediterranean landscapes. Crashing waves on windswept beaches provide dramatic background for the mythic characters. Chariots pulled by horses, boats with sails, open arenas and other outdoor environments recreate a sense of what it must have been like to have lived among a scantily clad peoples. The actors and actresses radiate a healthful tan from the long hours spent shooting out in full sun.

The interior scenes are subtly colorful and lightly mysterious, a pleasant counterpoint to the exterior scenes. The lighting is done well. The music is good. The opening titles are good. It’s all good, but truly, it is Steve that makes it great. He’s got the look. He’s got the arms. The glare reflecting from his oiled biceps can become overpowering at times. Polarized filters may be useless against their strength. They fill the screen with white flickering immortality. Steve Reeves is Hercules transmogrified. He is channeling Hercules. He has Hercules within him. He isn’t just acting.

Reeves probably was Hercules in a previous life. Just look at him. Reeves was in the army and fought in a war. Hercules joined an army, he fought in a war.

Hercules fought a lion. Steve Reeves could have fought a lion if he wanted to.

Reeves became half immortal through his work. Hercules’ work did become a movie. All coincidence?

Hercureeves can out-fight or out-wit any man. When strength alone is not enough to win the battle, he is not above using deceit or trickery, such as when he tricked Atlas to take the world back upon his shoulders. He will only do so in the best interests of all, to enact justice. He helps children cross streams. He kills animals with his hands. He wins Olympic competitions. He stops wild horses. He chases girls. And while he does it, he looks fabulous.

The costumes Reeves wears are to die for. His lion skin is scientifically cut to feature Reeve’s best assets: his well-defined v-shaped profile. His hemline is cut scandalously short. He wears his tunics one-shouldered, with robust pectorals. Belted at the waist with a thick leather WWF style championship belt. At his wrists, a pair of thick leather wristbands to match. At his feet, a strappy sandal: dark brown straps wrapped up to the mid-calf. With his dark hair and trimmed beard framing his handsome face, standing tall in his clean, well-pumped body, Hercureeves is devastating.

In a battle scene from Hercules Unchained, he wears a dynamic style of tighty-whities - something that might be a one piece of cloth wraparound trick, yet skillfully constructed in the costume department. In keeping with previous costumes, it is quite minimal. He wears this in a spectacular battle scene wherein he takes on many men and swords in a scene so gloriously triumphant it is beyond the power of words to relate.

When he’s out exercising with the local boys, he wears a comfortable style of active sport tunic miniskirt, split in the front for easy mobility during manly activities. All the boys are wearing one. Of course, these sport tunics are a contrivance of propriety, as historical accuracy information suggests that Athenian guys exercised unclothed. This lack of historical accuracy is the one lamentable travesty of the film, as in that it lacks any full frontal views of Steve Reeves.

When some of the secondary characters go swimming, the swimsuits seem so inappropriate. Greek gods and demigods and mortals didn’t wear swimsuits on summer afternoons. But for the purposes of film, the designs of the outfits are charming and do complement the actors. These discreet outfits dress the story with a prudish niceness to portray a tame rendition of the sometimes adult-situational instances.

According to legend it is said that in his early youth, Hercules killed his music tutor with a lyre. As punishment, he was sent to tend cattle on a mountainside. Here, he was visited by two nymphs: Pleasure and Virtue. They offered him a choice between a pleasant and easy life, or a severe but glorious life. He chose the latter. One of Hercules' first challenges was put to him by King Thespius who wished him to impregnate each of his 50 daughters. Accordingly, Hercules did this in one night.

The path to the Twelve Labors started when Hercules married King Creon's daughter, Megara. Angered with him, Hera drove Hercules into a fit of madness during which he killed his wife Megara and their children, as well as his brother’s children. Upon realizing what he had done, he fled to the Oracle of Delphi. Unbeknownst to him, the Oracle was guided by Hera. As punishment, he was directed to serve Eurystheus, who had become king in Hercules’ place, and perform any task Eurystheus required of him. These challenges became the Twelve Labors, a tale which achieved notoriety and infamy as Hercules was able to successfully complete them all. Particular tasks, such as the killing of the Nemean Lion, are closely associated and therefore frequently included in stories about Hercules.

Reeves wrestled that lion and wore the skin deliciously. For so many, appetites for musclemen with sword and sandal had increased. Fortunately, Italian film studios were productive throughout the mid-sixties. There are many, many enjoyable Hercules-oriented movies available, and they will always be there for you. Always and always.

An additional title for those interested in seeing more: Giant of Marathon, 1959. Directed by Jacques Tourneur and Mario Bava, featuring Steve Reeves as Phillipides. Pheidippides, hero of Ancient Greece, is sometimes written as Phidippides or Philippidesis. His myth is said to be the inspiration for the creation of the marathon as a sporting event. Pheidippides, an Athenian herald, ran thirty-four kilometers in two days from the battlefield by the town of Marathon to Athens to announce the Greek victory over Persia in the Battle of Marathon, in 490 BC. Upon delivering the message, it is said he then died on the spot.

Giant of Marathon opens at an Olympic Games ceremony, where we are introduced to Phillipireeves. Apparently he is the winner of everything. He is given a medal and laurel wreath and an appreciative audience. His admirers in the audience call for him to become a leader of politics or military endeavors of some type, and when he accepts, the storyline deviates heavily from the above-stated tale regarding Phidippides.

The most striking difference between Reeves as Hercules and Phillipides is that Hercules is bearded, whereas the Giant of Marathon was clean shaven. Unbearded.

Phillipireeves becomes enchanted by women and is exposed to situations similar to that of Hercules. Fires burn as fountains flow and women dance with lips upon flutes and strumming upon harps. Drinks are not love potions, the women joke. Wrestlers are brought in for entertainment, but Phillipireeves objects. “I do enjoy wrestling, but these are no wrestlers. These are killers, no better than animals.”

To prove his point, a struggle of Freudian proportions begins. Phillipireeves grapples with the killer-wrestler. As with the Nemean Lion, one must kill or be killed, in bare hand to hand combat. Muscles tighten, sweat drips. His arms wrapped around the huge belly, the muscleman dominates and subjectifies his opponent into submission. The agonizing contortions of exertion and release cross the face of the aggressor, his prey is left limp and akimbo upon the cold sticky ground. Phillipireeves slowly rises, finds his cape, and tosses it over his shoulder as he casually walks away. He would have smoked a cigarette if he had one.

Later, he’s at the gymnasium with the guys. We find out that most all of them wear these sport tighty-whities for these action shots. Their tunics are pretty short. Then they are recruited to become sailors and go with Jason to find the Golden Fleece, and again I am confused. They fight a sea-battle, and at the end of it I am ready to see Phillipireeves run his ass off and show up in Athens exhausted and spent. But instead, he ‘gets the girl’ and walks away into a sunset. The film fails to account for the story of the Giant of Marathon, but it excels on featuring the many fine points and curves of Steve Reeves.

For the completist, here is a short list of additional Herculeses:

Hercules, 1983, film starring Lou Ferrigno
Hercules, 1997, film the Disney movie
Hercules, 2005, an NBC television movie
Hercules in New York, 1969, Arnold Schwarzenegger's film debut
Hercules: The Animated Series, based on the Disney movie
Hercules: The Legendary Journeys, TV-series
The Mighty Hercules, 1963 animated television series
The Sons of Hercules, 1970s television series from Italian films

And a tribute to the Hercules of today: Eli Manning, Tom Brady, Andre Agassi, Roger Federer, Henry Rollins, Hulk Hogan, Johnny Knoxville, Tony Hawk, Bruce Willis, Shaquille O’Neal, Mr. T, Barry Bonds, Bill Gates, police and firefighters everywhere.

Mildred Pierce Walks Among Us

by Charlie Parsley

Joan Crawford stomps over the bridge with brazen self-determination. Her linebacker silhouette cuts through the thick, swirling fog. Vapors rise from the briny depths around her hardened conical head. Her outstretched claws grasp at the air. Her big glassy eyes stare up into the lights. Her big mouth gasps for breath as she staggers through the mists of the marine layer.

Something is amiss in the manner she carries her glittering rhinestone brooch. It is not the agent of her charm and radiance as it should be. There is something else going on here, something weird. Her lipstick masks but does not conceal her agony and torment. Mildred clutches the wet handrail with her cold, clammy fishpaws and looks skyward. With high heels, she clambers up onto the metal bars and she is about to jump until a policeman sees her and stops her. She was about to get in the water.

Meanwhile there are guys on a boat with sonar equipment who are already looking for her. The policeman has diverted Mildred away from the bridge. The farther away she is from the ocean, the more distressed and pitiul her croaking becomes. She ambles up the alley. A man drinking in a bar taps on a windowpane as she nears. Mildred's sonar hearing picks it up and she moves in.

Mildred beguiles him with her drunken ways. In a telling move which reveals her inner predilections, Mildred throws a drink in the face of one of the men. Soon they arrive near bedrooms. Then another man shows up. Two men fight over Mildred. Shots ring out. The men run out onto the deck of the boat. They discover that it is a woman firing the gun.

The men stir among themselves and take the gun from her. They are shocked at the realization: the gun is in a man's ownership, but a woman's possession. It is a man's tool in a woman's hands. They reassert their authority with the brazen hussy and then quarrel amongst themselves over her nice figure. Is the woman the cause or the effect of the conflict among the men? Are the men the cause or the effect of Mildred's manipulating ways? Did Mildred fire the gun? Or is some other Creature involved?

Mildred runs away. Where has she been? She isn't where she was supposed to be. What is she scared of? Is she hiding something? There are no good answers, but plenty of spurious clues. Consider Exhibit A: Profile of Creature is strikingly similar to that of Mildred.

Exhibit B: There are bills to be paid.

Esquire Haberdashery. One dozen monogrammed shirts: 215.25. Yet, this is a men's clothing store, "Outfitters for the Sterner Sex" reads the statement. Why has she bought a dozen shirts for a man? What does she get out of it? You can see she has also been shopping in Pasadena. The madness does not stop there. She racked up a bill at a horse saddlery. Riding Saddle and Stirrups $700.00. Mildred is clearly an egotistical monster. Her obsessive manipulation affects every aspect of her existence, right down to the last penny in her personal checking account in Burbank.

Scuba gear is required to enable a descent into the Freudian subconscious. Two men enter the water with the one woman. They descend deep into another world and momentarily lose sight of each other. They are alone in their self-realization. Each of them, lost in this new world, become a creature as they swim through dark, unexplored territory in swimming pools. They breathe through mechanical gills, transforming themselves themselves into woman-obsessed gill-man sea-creatures.

And so the Creature appears. The two men struggle with internal conflicts, thrashing amid the churning release of their egos and breathing apparatus. Leaving the waters of the unconscious and returning to the boat of reality, they discover that the woman is not there. She is still in the water, unconcious, with the Creature.

The men return to the subconcious and find her floating helplessly. Through various acrobatic ballet moves, the woman had transformed into a sea-creature. This transformation removed clothing and swimming apparatus from the woman revealing an inner Sea Goddess archetype. Hers is a classic metamorphosis: a young curvaceous human undergoing a violent lupine-like physical transformation resulting in lost clothing and excessive fatigue upon returning from the transformed state.

In a display of submission and weakness, the woman arches her back, heaving her breasts forward towards a nearly nude trunks-clad man pumping his legs furiously beneath her, pushing her up to the surface, wrapping his restricting arms around her. He takes a plug out of his mouth and puts it into hers. He moves this breathing scuba apparatus tube from his mouth to hers and back again, sharing a kiss of breath and becoming one 'mating' creature as they drift with love bubbles from the unconscious.

Mildred rushes about to do what she can to make everyone happy, yet her results cause confusion, disruption, anger, frustration, high mortgage costs, arguments and business loans. No one is happy. Mildred is the center of attention. Mildred is the cause of concern, the source of the conflict among the men, among the family, among the public eager to have a look at her. Is she aware of this power, or is it unconscious? By what means does she demand this self-confirming obsession? Her transformation from sea to land, or, from marriage to divorce is taxing to her transformed visceral systems. She is in a new world different from us. If only we could capture her and examine her. Warrants go out and she is brought in. The question "What happened?" is asked. She is examined. The men discover a transformative Creature with means for taking in oxygen with a dual set of organs both lungs and gills. That evening, the men on board once again fight over the sea-woman. Their struggle is eternal.

Man has struggled for centuries to understand the mystery of the woman animal. Her primal powers bewitch him, and his entire life is lived in an eternal, unyielding conquest to discover and understand her through sexual mating. Yet this conquest of the sexual monster of the subconscious is ultimately doomed to fail. The female of the species is more deadly than the male.