Progress Report

You'll remember I was whinging at my lack of organisation a couple of posts (weeks) ago? Well, I sat down and worked out a bit of a timetable for the blank days and then Easter happened. Last week, I was just about chewing the carpet in frustration of not being able to get on, but I had other things/people to prioritise. This week I began.

Monday got off to a very slow start, but there was a start. Yesterday, I hit the ground running and despite being led slightly astray by social media, I kept on target. The organisation certainly worked yesterday and it seems to be working today. If I can keep it up I'll be able to sit down and start writing next week.

I've been using my time to do all the ground work I should have done before I sat down in front of my laptop in February. But that's okay. I don't look at it as wasted time. The time I've spent nurturing my creativity, working on the foundations of this project has got me to this point. The next few days are going to be crucial, I've got a story arc to plot up and the challenge there will be to ensure that I've got all the conflicts covered. There probably will be swearing. I apologise in advance.

My time at the gym is beginning to pay off. Yesterday, for the first time in about 10 months, I was able to deadlift! How happy does that make me feel? I hear you ask. Ecstatic.

Dave gives me the look when I talk about deadlifting, I'm going to assume you are too. Let me explain. As a weedy and fairly wimpy woman, the act of walking up to a weightlifting bar is incredibly intimidating. Deadlifting is a move for buff, muscle-bound weightlifters who need a stick to wipe their bum...wrong!

Deadlifts are a compound exercise that works the quads, glutes, spinal erectors, abs, traps and upper lats. It's a deceptively move, you pick up the heavy thing and you put it down again for  5 sets of 8 - 12 reps. Simples. Hah! Form is everything. Get your form wrong, you will hurt yourself. Every lift you have to concentrate: keep your chin and chest up, push from your heels, focus on your breathing, keep the move smooth and seamless. It's all about control.

I still can't quite figure out what it is about this move that gives me The Freakin' Awesome. It doesn't matter what I lift. Yesterday, I started with just the bar which is 20 kg and then went on to lift 30 kg. I suspect it's the fact that I am facing my fear - I am a weedy, wimpy woman - and beating it into the fucking ground. How can I possibly think I am that, when I can pick up that bar loaded? Deadlifting challenges all the assumptions I have about my limitations. I have to stand taller, I have to support myself better when I deadlift because I know I'll hurt myself if I don't. Today, I have to be upright because I ache if I don't

Today, I can name the muscles that worked. I am practically bouncing off the ceiling with energy. I was up before the alarm, got a load of laundry on, got the dishwasher empty. I've got a lot of work to do today and I'm charging through it. I won't go to the gym today, I know if I am to keep on building my strength, recovery is just as important as the sessions at the gym.

With the programme I'm on, I have to be realistic about my weight. I have maintained my weight just under 9 stone for over six months, with the usual monthly hormonal fluctuations. I'm losing inches everywhere and that confirms I am losing the body fat and building more muscle. I am going to get to the point where the scale will not be my friend, but hopefully, I will be the same size I am now. I will then laugh at my BMI. I am trying to eat more meals and more regularly, just smaller portions with a greater emphasis on fruit and vegetables. I thought about going back to the 5:2, but my weight is happily in the "normal" part of the graph. Yes, I could try to lose weight but my concern is that I will lose the muscle with it and I want a strong body, not a thin body.

Last year, I was asked a very good question that I couldn't answer: how do I get the motivation to start and keep doing the exercises? At the time, I was going to the gym and running regularly; I hadn't hurt my back or wrists or had the three weeks off and then the horrible months of my existential crisis. Now, I know how to answer that question. 

You can't wait for motivation or inspiration to start anything. You just have to go for it. Motivation and inspiration are like the wall flowers in at a village dance, you have to hit the dancefloor first and start busting some moves. Once you start dancing, they'll join you and then you can all get down and groove.

And yes, I am grooving people. Next week: running! Oh yeah baby.

Hello February

When January began, I had everything all planned out. I wrote in my diary the time table for getting fit. I planned out my first novel and wrote down when it would be completed. I was waiting eagerly for the start of my Introduction to Counselling course. I was exceptionally nervous and full of doubts, but ready to go for it.

And then I went back to work at the office.

I've been at Insight for over 4 years. It is the longest I've ever worked anywhere. Ever. It's been absolutely brilliant. No two days have ever been the same and the people are brilliant (if slightly bonkers, which is probably why I got on there so well).

After the first couple of weeks and the start of my counselling course, I realised it was time. Those two weeks I was distracted and grumpy and tired because my heart wasn't in my work. Neither was my head. The counselling was course was everything I'd hoped it would be and more.

I took stock of everything I want to do this year and where I want to be at the end of it. I realised there was only one thing for it: I had to go for it. 

I have to put my energy 100% behind the training and the professional development that will put me on the path to becoming a fully qualified counsellor. I have to put my energy 100% behind the three creative projects that have been rumbling around my head for years, to move them from my imagination and into the world. 

A couple of weeks ago I handed in my notice. Last Thursday was my last day. In between me handing in my notice and my leaving working, I hardly slept. During the day, I've been focused on making sure I left work in as tidy a fashion as I could. But at night...well, that's when everything hiding in the crevasses all day, came out to play. Plans, hopes, fears. Everything.

I only started sleeping properly again a couple of nights ago...

The last few days have been busy as well. There's the small matter of my tax return that needed to be filled in. And then, there was my Yuletide present from Dave...a gin making afternoon at the Adnams Distillery in Southwold.

But that's a blog post for another day...

In the meantime, I've be rearranging my working space. Dave being his usual lovely self, gave me a new desk. I'm now working in my front room as it's more comfortable. My study space is now being turned into my exercise area. I've got a lot of catching up to do. I'm more than aware that if I am to achieve everything I hope I can this year, I've got to be healthy and well. 

I am going to be 45 this year. The clock is a-ticking. There is no "safe" choice in life. Everything comes with a price and safety is the most expensive choice of all; one, I have never been very good at paying. It may make my life look a bit bizarre and haphazard from the outside, but I can't face the slow, living death of un-fulfilled dreams. Far better to take the leap into the unknown and face the consequences.

Continuing to be Tedious

As the title suggests, I will bang on about fitness stuff again. This is my second week of completed gym sessions and my last with my Personal Trainer (PT) for four weeks. Of all of the decisions I've made recently, this is the one I am exceptionally pleased about. Or should I say a doubly good one?

The gym is brilliant. I love it's shabbiness. It's functional only; with an emphasis on weights and strength training. There are nods to cardio and floor work in the back with a handful of machines, but that's pretty much it. You want shiny machines, tvs to watch, magazines to read? You're in the wrong place. 

My PT is fantastic. The programme he developed for me is perfect in that it's challenging, addresses my weakness and builds on my strengths. In the past two weeks I've seen some brilliant improvements. Mind you, I look on every extra rep, every added 0.25kg as a brilliant improvement. 

Working out at home to the DVDs did exactly what I hoped they'd do: they built my confidence and brought up my fitness level to the point where I felt comfortable taking it further. What they couldn't do was correct my form. I knew I wanted to increase the weights, but I wasn't happy doing so without a better idea of form. I am doing everything possible to avoid injury. I felt if I went out and bought heavier weights I would be at risk. Perhaps I was a bit overly-cautious, but I would rather take it more slowly and anchor in the fitness habit properly so I continue to feel excited and motivated about exercising.

What I wasn't prepared for was the increase in my appetite. I'd heard about the need for protein after a workout, but mostly dismissed that as just manly men hype....until at 10.30am on Monday I would have killed for a whole roasted chicken. On Wednesday, I had a funny turn and it was suggested I really need to eat before my workout. I have no wish to throw up on the gym floor. That would just be embarrassing. It was good advice because this morning I had my mid-morning smoothie first thing instead and no wobblies. Please don't laugh, but I'm looking into protein shakes to boost my mid-morning smoothie to deal with the sudden carnivorous urges. 

Next week, I start Gym/Run/Rest rotations. I'm really excited about getting back out there to pound the pavement. I've missed the running. Again, deciding not to run while I got to grips with the new strength routine was a good one. I am grudgingly following Dave's advice to start with this routine rather than go straight into running and gym on alternate days with a rest on Sundays.

Last blog post, I talked about the added extra of confidence I've gained by doing the strength training. During the weekend, I realised something else.

The last 6 months have been the most consistently stressful, and in parts, distressing period of time I've experienced pretty much since my dad died nearly four years ago. In this time, I have gone from working out irregularly to working out pretty much 3-4 times a week, if not 5-6 times some weeks. This year, I started running, then joined a gym and started lifting weights. My working hours have increased to the point where it's rare that I leave the office before 6pm; my workload has multiplied like bunny rabbits on viagra and I've gone to anyone who would listen and demanded more responsibility. I haven't taken many sick days at all, despite the winter bugs and more importantly, and this is the point of it all - I am not depressed. 

I am not dragging my arse behind me trying to get things done at home or at work. I am out of bed in the mornings and after an hour of Pink Fluffy Dressing Gown, coffee and Facebook, I am out of my chair doing stuff. On my days off, I don't nap in the afternoon any more as standard. When I come home in the evenings, I'm still doing what needs to be done. My housework is no longer a chore I have to work up to. Don't get me wrong, I'm still knackered, but gone are the days when I'd crawl through the door and have a microwave meal because it was the only thing I could manage to do.

This is quite a scary revelation for me. For the past 43 years, I thought I had problems with my energy levels, problems with mental health. It turns out there's nothing wrong with my energy levels or my mental health - I just wasn't fit enough to live. 

All this time wasted.

Well, not much can be done about the past and dwelling on that isn't going to help me continue to move forward well. For the next 43 years, I now know the key to feeling good and doing more is about focusing on keeping fit and being well in myself. The more I move, the better I feel, the more I do. I am the kind of person who totally digs on the concept of 'more', so I'm going to stick with this and see where it leads.

First Week of Personal Training at the Gym

I'm so knackered, I can't think of any witty titles. I finished my session with my dreadlocked Personal Trainer (PT), came home via a greasy spoon, and spent the afternoon in bed.

This week, Rummy decided I wasn't allowed to sleep. I've had him meowing all through the night and last night I had enough. I put him outside at about 1.30. At 5 am I felt guilty and went looking for him, eventually I found him wandering round warily. Of course, I couldn't go back to sleep and he was totally wound up by the whole experience. He's still asleep. 

My PT sessions have been pretty damned awesome. Even with the sleep deprivation. I've done the most amazing things, that I never dreamed I could do. I've also got a lot of work to do, as today's session made clear. But I'm starting with a damned good base nevertheless.

People I can do dead lifts, I can squat with a 20 kg bar, leg press, chest press. Lunges, body squats, all of these I can do. Still can't do bench presses or even a push-up. That's okay. Before long, I will be dropping and doing 20! I've worked really hard. I aim to do at least 3-5 more reps, especially if it's hard. I want to get stronger. I really want to see what I can do.

Boy will be coming home next weekend and he and I are going to hit the gym together. Dave says he wants to come too. It's going to be me and my posse! I'm not sure how they're going to like my routine of 7 am starts, but in all honesty, if I leave it to the end of the day, I'm not going to be able to workout. I work at work and when I get home I want dinner and to veg either in front of Facebook or the idiot box. 

I miss the running though. I'm looking forward to getting back to my Zombies and Chapelfield Park. It's going to be interesting to see how the strength training affects my running, if at all. I'm hoping my stronger muscles will help my endurance and enable me to go further with more comfort. Shin splints are not fun. 

I also recognise I am filled with Newbie enthusiasm! I must be very tedious company right now. It's also having another strange effect. Dave will back me up on this. I'm developing an attitude problem. Situations that would have had me backing down and crawling off into a little hole to have a quiet rock and drool - no longer. 

I can run a mile in 9 mins 44 secs, I am starting to dead lift with an Olympic bar and you want to come here with that BS and expect me to take it?! HAH! I'm so done with that. It's a proper confidence, not a state that I have to talk myself into or that I think I should aspire to. It's simply - yeah, we're done with that. This is how we're going to do it.

How do I feel apart from the tiredness and muscle soreness? Good. Really good. I'm enjoying this experience far more than I ever thought I could. I've joined the gym for 1 month. It's a great place, I can have completely flexible membership, so if my finances crash, I know I'm not tied into anything. 

The gym is kinda weird really. I mean, outside of the normal allergic reactions I have to gyms anyway. When I walked in at 6.55 am Monday morning, I was really pleased that I was there. I was immediately comfortable. It wasn't overly busy, the guys there ranged from huge man mountains to weedy little scrappers. It's got two rooms. The weight floor is at the front and is the largest room. The equipment looks sturdy and well-used. The cardio and floor work room is out the back. There are a couple of treadmills, spinning bikes, a rowing machine and a weird piece of equipment that looks like a cross between a bike and a skiing machine. 

I saw three other women there today, the most I've seen. We nodded at each other and then  focused on our respective workouts - or at least they did. I was focused on my PT. He's great. He's a bloody good laugh, very encouraging and took this week at my learner's pace. We used our time together to establish where I was starting from and my goals for the next 8 weeks.

After next week, I go back to my running! Yay! I can't wait!