An Introduction to Medieval French DBA Campaign

 by Steve C.

In 1407 France was in a pretty desperate state of affairs and the once proud King Charles VI was no more than a figurehead.  Suffering from psychosis, and for the most part being in delusional state having had metal rods sewn into his clothing so that he wouldn’t shatter because amongst other things he believed that he is made of glass, France was for the most part run by a regency council.

The Queen, Isabeau of Bavaria, presided over the counsel on which sat the Kings Uncles and his Brother and cousin.  His uncle, Philip the Bold, Duke of Burgundy, who had acted as regent during the King's minority was a great influence on the Queen.  However, this influence progressively shifted to Louis I, Duke of Orléans, the King's brother, and it was suspected that he was the Queen's lover.  On the death of Philip the Bold his son John the Fearless took over but he lost even more influence at court due to his unpopularity which then lead to a massive fallout between the Duke and Louis.  The Kings other Uncle John, Duke of Berry, served as a mediator between Louis, who now lead the Orléanist party, and John, who lead the Burgundian party, but to little avail.

John had an expansionist policy and had brought up large tracts of land that Louis countered by acquiring Luxembourg in 1402 and lands in the eastern marches of the kingdom that the Burgundians considered their private hunting ground.  Louis, having control of the purse strings, got 90% of his income from the royal treasury whilst John saw his revenue drop from 200,000 écus a year to 37,000.

Eventually John was ousted from the council altogether and his revenue cut off.  This was too much for him and he took advantage of the anger amongst taxpayers in Paris and won them over but even this and a demonstration against Paris with his army wasn’t enough to restore his influence at court so in 1407 he had Louis assassinated on the rue Vieille du Temple in Paris and took control of the council.  Louis’ son Charles vowed to avenge his father’s death and by marrying the Count of Armagnac’s daughter Bonnie d’Armagnac he then had a power base from which he formed the League of Gien which became known as the Armagnac party.

Whilst France was having its fair share of problems England, under the rule of King Henry IV, was having some of its own.  Since usurping the throne in 1399 Henry had been ruling a very troubled Kingdom.  A Scottish army of 10,000 men had laid waste to Northumberland and after a short campaign it was eventually defeated at Homildon Hill in 1402.

Henry Percy, 1st Earl of Northumberland, and his son Harry "Hotspur", the very same men who had led the English army at Homildon Hill, rebelled against Henry whilst supporting the 5th Earl of Marche, Edmund Mortimer, who also claimed the English throne because he was a great-great-grandson of King Edward III.  The rebellion was eventually put down at the battle of Shrewsbury in 1403.

Owain Glyndŵr had also raised the flag of rebellion in 1400 and since then had been taking back tracts of Wales from the English.  Rumours abounded that Richard II was still alive, even though his body had been put on display in Westminster Abby after he died, and it was said that he was “awaiting only a signal from his friends to repair to London and recover his throne”.

Ireland was also causing the crown problems with most of it being taken back by the Celts with only the Pale and major towns still in the hands of the Anglo Irish lords.

Because of all of this internal strife Henry had very little time in which to concentrate his efforts in France, the last army being sent there in 1380 under the command of the Earl of Buckingham during the reign of Richard II.  Because of the high taxes that were imposed during the campaign, overseas war was very unpopular with the English public and is thought to have contributed to the peasants’ revolt of 1381.  So Henry’s tendency was to stay at home and watch with interest as events unfolded in France.

So this is where our campaign kicks off in July 1410 with both French factions building up their armies for the second time in 6 months.  Now, I’m not sure if I’ve bitten off more than I can chew here because there’s a lot to do and the rules may not allow for such a complex campaign in just two weeks but we’ll see how it goes and go as far as we can.

There are four historical chunks that I’ll try to tackle, and to begin with I’ll be concentrating on the period between 1410 and 1415, the rest, if you’re interested, can be played at a later time.

Unlike usual DBA campaigns where it’s very much a free for all, in this campaign there will be three teams, English, Burgundian and Armagnac each of which will have a set of historical objectives to achieve.

1798 Irish Rebellion: Siege of Wexford Campaign Game

United Irish Infantry Brigade

We finally got to complete Steve's 1798 Irish Rebellion game on Friday 9th June, after a bout 5 weeks without a game due to holidays, illness and other commitments by club members.

The Crown forces were triumphant after breaking a couple Irish battalions on the extreme right of their line, the resulting failure in morale by accompanying Irish battalions lead to first one then two Irish brigades routing form the field.

Crown / British  Infantry Brigade
with supporting Artillery

Meanwhile on the Crown Force's left flank a couple of will timed cavalry charges elicited the same failure in morale in the Irish forces brigades on that side of the battlefield.

End result Irish Army failed a n Army Morale test and routed from the field, the Siege of Wexford continues, albeit that an Irish re-enforcement column has now entered the cit and partially re-supplied the defenders.

The battlefield from the British
Right Flank

United Irish: 1798 Campaign

Background to the campaign
In the late 1790’s the movement known as the United Irishmen (UI) had flourished as apolitical movement but because of its sympathies towards the emancipation of Irish Catholics it was forced to become an armed underground movement.

In December 1796 the French attempted to land 15,000 troops in Bantry bay in an effort to support a planned rising by the United Irishmen in Ulster but the landing failed due to a winter storm and the rising was aborted.

The Irish Government, now unnerved by the fact that they could have had an armed insurrection on their hands, went to extreme lengths to find out who the rebel leaders were and over the next 18 months also attempted to suppress the movement. Through a combination of torturing suspects and the free quartering of troops, which became known as the “Dragooning of Ulster”, it revealed large arsenals of Muskets and Pikes that the rebels had been stock piling and it looked like the movement was on the verge of collapse. With most of the leadership in prison and in an act of desperation the remaining council members launched what was to become an uncoordinated rising in the eastern counties of Ireland.

The rebel’s initial plan was for the UI forces based in Dublin to take the city, with the counties bordering Dublin rising in support and preventing the arrival of crown reinforcements. The rest of the country was to tie down other garrisons. The signal to rise was the interception of the mail coaches that were to leave Dublin on the morning of the rising. However, last-minute intelligence from informants provided the Government with details of rebel assembly points in Dublin city and the military managed to occupy these and prevented the rebels from rallying. Deterred by the presence of the military, the gathering groups of rebels quickly dispersed. In addition, the plan to intercept the mail coaches miscarried, with only the Munster-bound coach halted at Johnstown, near Naas on the first night of the rebellion.

Although the planned nucleus of the rebellion had imploded, the surrounding parishes around the city of Dublin rose as planned eventually followed by most of the counties outside County Dublin. The first clashes of the rebellion took place just after dawn on 24th May.

Fighting quickly spread throughout Leinster, with the heaviest fighting taking place in County Kildare where, despite the Army successfully beating off almost every rebel attack, the rebels gained control of much of the county after the military were ordered to withdraw to Naas for fear of being isolated. However, rebel defeats in Counties Carlow and Meath effectively intimidated the rebels enough for them to start seeking terms with the crown.

Surrender terms were agreed to and disarming the rebels was on the whole successful however, during one that was overseen by General Duff at Gibbet Rath both sides started firing on each other after things got out of hand and a “massacre” by crown forces ensued. News of other incidents such as the execution of suspected rebels by overzealous Yeomanry at Carnew and Dunlavin Green spread into Wexford.

These incidents were enough to incite the UI Council in Wexford into action with the rebels converging at Oulart Hill. 400 men led by the Reverend John Murphy, won a small yet significant victory by defeating a company of the North Cork Militia. This gave confidence to the rebels and their numbers began to grow. Wexford was aflame and with little in the way of garrison to stay the rebel surge the Government soon lost control and the garrisons locked themselves in hoping that relief would arrive before it was too late.

Current Situation (From the Memoirs of Miles Byrne)
“After their victory at Oulart hill Father John and his little army of some 5,000 men now became quite flushed with their victory. Seeing the King's troops flying and escaping in every direction, they were at a loss to know which division they should pursue; they however, having as yet no cavalry, marched from Oulart Hill, and encamped for the night on Carrigrew Hill. Next morning, the 28th of May, at seven o'clock, they marched to Camolin, and from thence to Ferns. Not meeting with any of the King's troops in this town to oppose them, they were at a loss as to what to do….”

So, as with the Wexford council in 1798 there is no clear plan as to what to do next because of the limited amount of time it had to organise a rising.

The umpire supplied the UI leaders with some information and objectives that will not be shared here until the campaign has ended - to stop the sneaky Brits snooping to see what is to be done!

Campaign Notes
Or how the campaign will be run - this is not a democracy it's a dictatorship...

Unit sizes
Because the rules I’m going to use aren’t casualty based I will refer to numbers of units rather than numbers of men throughout the campaign. Therefore unit strengths are as follows:
Units of Pikemen nominally 600 men in Close order
Units of Gunsmen nominally 200 men in skirmish order
1 model artillery piece = 1 artillery piece

You have 4,800 pikemen (8 units), and 200 men armed with assorted firearms, the rest are
armed with pikes and assorted farm implements. The campaign will last for 50 days the
exact same number of days the Wexford army continued to exist.

Logistics
Logistics will become an important part of the campaign. To make this as simple as possible during any campaign battle your camp will be represented on the table. Should this be attacked or god forbid lost during the battle then problems will set it.

Lines of supply
If you do lose your camp then re supply will be relatively easy because the local population will support you. However, if the Crown comes up with a scheme to impede this then things could become difficult.

Family ties
Because the men were terrified of retribution being carried out against their families by the Yeomanry and Militia whilst they were away fighting, wives and children always accompanied the UI army. These family members will be represented on the gaming table and should you lose them then this could have a demoralising affect on your army.

Command control
Unlike other campaigns players won’t be allocated personality figures as normal because I want to take a slightly different approach to try and counter the rather flaky appearance of people at the pub on Monday nights were most of our campaign planning activities take  place. Instead players will act as either the UI Wexford Council or the Irish parliament giving much more scope for minimal player involvement when it comes to issuing orders to the Umpire.

Each side will be given a list of principle leaders and Generals involved in the campaign and the players can then allocate forces to them and send them on their way. This can be done by one person per side if this should be the case on a Monday night, the decisions made by that person will prevail

Punic Wars - Night Raid on Carthaginian Camp

Friday night saw the continuation of Rupert's Punic War campaign, after a somewhat dormant period, with the Romans in North Africa, sallying out in strength to raid the Carthaginian forces that were besieging their positions.

Initial set-ups saw the Carthaginians, asleep in their beds within the camp walls (red units, in the grey squares on map to left) with cavalry, heavy & light infantry dispersed across the camp.

The Roman (blue units) forces lined-up with 5 legions in the centre, screened by some light infantry, then on each near flank more light infantry plus heavy cavalry on each remote flank.

At this point it should be noted that each Carthaginian unit would check each turn to see if it 'wakes-up', whilst unwoken the unit cannot move and is considered disordered if attacked.

The terrain was unknown to the Romans, but known to the Carthaginians, that shown in yellow was all they were certain of, being clear terrain. All green squares were split into quarters with a one in six chance of bad terrain in each quarter of a tile.

The final scenario special rule was that given this is a night raid, the game is played with all units limited to 8" moves, only reverting to full moves again once daylight arrives on turn 21!

'Michaelus Maximus Meridians' was Commander of the Roman Army and the African Legions, loyal servant to the Emperor. Commander of the Carthaginians was one of Hannibal's minions...
 

the heght of teh battle, Carthaginians make a stand within the camp
as routers pass them by as the the Romans hesitate

The Carthaginians, not knowing where the Romans might attack from, were distributed around their camp, whilst the Roman plan was simple, a concentrated hammer blow at one end of the enemy camp. With luck, the Roman's would be into the camp quickly, hitting units before they wake and drive defeated units back through the camp, preventing any reinforcements hampering the Roman advance.

The Roman legions cracked-on once the game started, moving across the cream terrain at 6" per turn. The Carthaginians managed to wake some light infantry and cavalry, which were thrown forward to delay the advancing legions, which they managed to do for a few turns, albeit that they were driven back to the camp walls each turn.

Carthaginians streaming out of the camp's rear gates in a state of rout.

Eventually the light infantry broke, allowing the legions to surge into the camp, meanwhile on the Roman left flank the light infantry and cavalry were able to start tracking around the flank of the camp. On their right flank, the light infantry ran into bad ground, though the heavy cavalry were able to move on and check emerging Carthaginian light cavalry that had left the camp.

Then after morale checks, additional Carthaginian units began to break, all of a sudden half of the Carthaginian camp was in rout. Then the Roman forces frozen, not gaining enough command factors, two turns in a row, to move any units. In that time the Carthaginian routers cleared much of the camp and a number of units rallied.

The Romans pressed on, engaging with Carthaginian heavy infantry, several rounds of melee continued with the Romans wearing down their opponents and breaking one then two heavy infantry units.

The roman 3rd legion were battered by Carthaginian units and evenually broke.

On the flanks, Carthaginian cavalry broke the Roman light infantry on the Roman right flank, in turn the Roman heavy horse pushed forward and finally broke one of the enemy light horse. On the Roman left flank, the lights flanked and attacked advancing Carthaginian units whilst the Roman heavy horse, crashed into the rear of the camp.

More Carthaginians routers

As day broke in the game (turn 2) we reached the end of the night,the game had been planned a s a 2 week affair but there wasn't enough of a game left to allow for a second week. the Carthaginians had two heavy infantry units engaged with a veteran legion and one of these had just been hit in the flank by a fresh Roman legion, both the Carthaginian units had reached zero cohesion points and would break soon.

It was left to Rupert as umpire to deliberate the impact on the campaign,this will be communicated to the commanders in due course. An enjoyable game that a number of 'nip & tucks' / 'to and fros' despite the apparent one sided nature of the game.

Squabbling Barons: Background History

Part 1

The myth of Gluttony

“Squabbling Barons” is a wargames competition based on a collection of tales taken from a set of manuscripts written in the 14^th century by the “Aimless Wandering Monks of Pound Hill”.  These manuscripts tell the story of war torn Sussex through the eyes of a group of Barons living on their estates in Handcross, Pease Pottage, Crawley and Horsham who would, from time to time, go to war against each other for something to do.  During the competition players take on the guise of one of the Barons and try to fight their way up the greasy social ladder of greed, the winner being the person who reaches the top first and crowns himself “King”.

As for the tales written by the “Wandering Monks”, there has been much speculation as to their authenticity because the Monks have been accused of playing down the numerous fibs, lies and pretence that followed in the wake of the Barons tumultuous lives.  For example, today many people wrongly believe that the Barons were great warriors akin to those of legend but the “Sceptic Society of Baronial Deniers” believes that they were no more than a bunch of useless layabouts.  This argument stems from the Monks fable “Blood, Beef and Trenchers” in which it tells that after battling on the field of glory these warriors would often go to the gym to tone themselves up for the next days encounter.  However, the sceptics believe that the Barons would gorge themselves on midnight snacks, washing them down with copious amounts of ale.  They also believe that this orgy of glutinous debauchery would leave them so bloated that they would often than not be left on a couch to ferment overnight.  The next day they would be incapable of doing anything apart from pass large amounts of acrid smelling gas, especially those who ate peanuts.

However, the descendants of these great warriors grew fed up with the retorts from the sceptics and scathing articles written about them in the press.  In an attempt to scotch them they set up their own society called “The descendants of the wrongly accused” commonly known as the “Family”.  Bringing in the worlds most renowned Archaeologists they opened the Barons crypts amid much media frenzy.  Upon their opening they found that the crypts were packed full of grave goods including broadswords, shields, great helms and lances.  After removing them, which took over an hour because of their sheer magnitude, the warriors were each found to be clasping a scroll that were thought by the Archaeologists to be of great religious significance.  It took a good many attempts to prize the scrolls from the dead warrior’s bony hands and it was as if these great Barons would not renounce some long forgotten pledge to protect the scrolls even in death.

After removing them the Archaeologists discovered that they were written in some long forgotten language.  At first they were stumped by the nature of the scrolls but on reviewing the inventory of grave goods they found that the most abundant items were small metal boxes the lids of which were engraved in such a manner that they corresponded with the writings on the scrolls.  Putting two and two together the archaeologists came to the conclusion that the boxes had in fact been repositories for Holy Scriptures.  For example, a number 14 was thought to relate to Luke 14 “Jesus at the Pharisee’s House” and a number 10 was thought to be Matthew 10 “Jesus sends out the twelve”.  It was obvious to the Archaeologists and the “Family” alike that their long dead ancestors were obviously part of some highly respected religious order and proved beyond doubt that the Barons were anything but useless layabouts.  The crypts were re-sealed and that, so they thought, was that.  However, after loaning the scrolls to the British museum and having them exhibited in a glass case in a shameless display of self-assurance, they eventually fell foul of their own egotistical arrogance.

Three years later a coach party of primary school children from the “Handcross prep school for girls” was visiting the museum.  These were no ordinary girls.  Where most kids of their age were still reading the Beano these super intelligent pan dimensional beings had progressed onto such works as “The Lego book of Quantum mechanics” and “The Barbie guide to weapons grade plutonium”.

Amongst them was one Julie Anne Michaels, or “Jam” as her friends knew her because she was just so lucky.  Dressed in the schools straw boater, smart green blazer, starched white blouse, green tie emblazoned with the schools crest, and grey knee length skirt, she looked like she should have been at the Henley regatta.  For an 8 year old “Jam” had excelled in all of her subjects and it was by sheer coincidence that she’d brought with her the Penguin book of Philology as a light read on the coach.  On reaching the medieval section of the museum she stopped at the glass display case containing the scrolls and after some scrutiny she declared to her teacher that they had been incorrectly deciphered.  She said she could demonstrate this by using a simple cryptographic equation based on those used in the rather rudimentary and unsophisticated colossus computer of World War II.  At first her teacher dismissed the girls superiority but on reading her notes she was shocked at the revelation she saw before her.  In her panic to phone a learned colleague she floundered like a trout in a keep net.  Fumbling her mobile Miss Appleby dropped it out of an open window and in a freak accident that can only happen in a story like this she fell headlong out of the window and joined it by smashing herself into hundreds of broken pieces three stories below.

With her teacher plummeting toward certain death “Jam” perched herself on a bench in the museum and with her legs dangling over the edge she admired her shiny new shoes before working on her notes.  She could hear Miss Appleby’s high-pitched scream as she plunged towards the waiting road.  A car horn sounded, screeching tyres came to an untimely halt and with a sickening thud “Jam” knew it was all over.  Without even looking up from her notes she called for an ambulance, calmly opened a packet of dolly mixtures, finished deciphering the scrolls and texted her findings to the Royal Academy.  Putting her I-Phone and notes into her satchel and dutifully throwing her dolly mixture wrapper into a bin, she skipped over to the open window without a care in the world and looked out on to the carnage below innocently waving to Miss Appleby as she lay sprawled under a car.

After the Royal Academy publisher “Jams” findings the sceptics demanded that a spectrographic analyses be carried out on the metal boxes because new evidence had come to light.  Much to the annoyance of the “Family” the crypt was reopened and the analysis carried out.  Upon its conclusion the sceptics proudly announced that they knew exactly what the boxes were for and it wasn’t religious artefacts’.

It was now thought that a number 14 on the scrolls actually corresponded to a box that had once contained “Egg fried rice” and a number 10 was a box for “Chicken in Garlic”.  ”Sweet and Sour Pork” was a number 23 and extra chilli sauce a number 7.  Each scroll was dedicated to a yet undiscovered saint called “Wing” and had over two hundred such dishes written on them.  The sceptics now believed that the dishes formed an integral part of the warrior’s midnight feasts the like of which can only be compared to “the last supper”.  However, instead of inviting 12 other guests the Baron in question would devour all 200 meals by himself subsequently dying of a heart attack several hours later.  This proved to the sceptics that the Barons were no more than overweight loafers who daren’t lie on a beach for too long lest they should be attacked by Eskimos and boiled down for their blubber.

Not to be out done the Baron’s “Family” exhumed the skeletons upon which they modelled a computer graphic of the Barons stature.  To the astonishment of the sceptics and media alike instead of seeing the festering mound of bloated flesh they’d all expected, they saw before them fine examples of manly prowess.  Powerfully built these Barons were perfect specimens of Knights straight out of King Arthur.  With a disproportionately muscular right arm that had been honed from years of combat with sword, axe and lance it was clear that the Barons were not the same bloated oafs described by the sceptics but dexterous killing machines capable of terrible carnage.  In a statement to the press the “Family” stated that the Sceptics had misunderstood the culture in which the Barons had lived and the consumption of so much food was necessary to maintain their bodies at their optimum fighting potential.  The sceptics were denounced as frauds and the barrage of media coverage was brought to an end.  Never again would the character of the Barons be put under the spot light, their place in history was assured.

However, deep in the bowels of the earth in a dimly lit dank corridor a CCTV unit silently monitors a vault that protects a terrible secret that the “Family” have striven to hide for many years.  For amongst the grave goods were also found suites of matching Spandex Armour, and an unconceivable number of the monthly illuminated manuscript “Play Maiden”.  If these artefacts should ever come to light then there would be an outcry, the authenticity of the computer model would be condemned and the disproportionately muscular right arm would be put at odds with the extensive inventory of rather seedy periodicals.  The reputation of the “Family” would be in tatters and their subsequent humiliation assured.  Never again would they be able to order sweet and sour soup without remembering St. “Wing” and the vinegary bitterness that was dished out by the press and sceptics alike.

Squabbling Barons - Leader Board

Latest promotions up the greasy social ladder that is “Squabbling Barons”.

Rupert (Sir Knight Gown) is promoted to Earl Abuse with 65 points
Mike Whiteford (Sir OverKnight) is promoted to Red Baron with 34 points
John (Sir Spicious of the order) stays the same as Duke Box with 118 points

The reason John has remained static is that the points he took from Mike were used to reduce Mikes ability to climb even further.  This was a new rule I bought in last year to stop allies from going too far too quickly.

The greasy pole stands as follows:

Summary
Total Points	Nom de Quil	Standing at this time
118	Sir Spicious of the order (John)	Duke Box
68	Sir Ostrasize, cast thee out (Phil)	Count-a-Fit
65	Rupert	Earl a Buse
41	Sir Ron D'Ordye (Mike N)	Baron Knee
34	Mike W	Red Baron
34	Sir Loin de Porc (Dave)	Baron Desert

The 4th battle of Worral Towers

Once again on the blood soaked fields of Worral Towers (Rupert really must get his man to wash the grass at some point) Knightly combat was fought with an unparalleled fervour of restraint between Sir Over Knight, Sir Knight Gown and Sir Spicious, and for those of you listening in black and white they were Mikey W, Rupert and John.

Mike and Rupert were the protagonists with John being the gun (or should it be Gonne) for hire.  Mike and Rup went a wooing and after failing to entice John by using illuminated manuscript showing him in compromising positions with a stag they resorted to the lowest trick in the book, MONEY!  With a shed load of the stuff borrowed from Shylock the Jewish money lender (Oy Vey my lovely boy!) Mike enticed John to join him leaving Rup to dig in next to a convenient river that had bubbled up from a magical spring dug by Elven princes clad in mithril.  Well actually that’s not quite true because they were in fact a group of navies from Rupert’s estate working on a new cesspit and the magical spring was a tonne of effluent disgorging itself from a blockage further up the pipeline.

Rupert had in his employ Beelzebub chuckles, the former guard slinger at the head of his peasant army.  In the preceding months since their stolid defence of the Toffee apple stall during the third battle of Worral towers Beelzebub and his peasant horde had come over all religious and set up their own sect.  The followers were legion and had proclaimed themselves as the monks of St. Atheist and the subjugation of the original Sinners.  These original Sinners weren’t as some people had thought, Adam and Eve, but the entire population of a small insignificant village not too far away from Handcross.  The story goes that the Dung family, renowned Cattle and Horse thieves, married into the Heap family from this very village.  For many years the Dung’s had terrorised the region around Handcross plundering stud and cattle farms alike.  It was during a particularly fruitful raid when their son in law, Cuthbert, was caught flirting with a particularly good-looking prize Bull that the concept of original sin was thrown out of the window along with the snake, the apple and the book of genesis.  His act was thought so appalling that Cuthbert was shunned from polite society and was made to go back to his village, which was known to be particularly rough and unruly.

Upon arriving back in Crawley the villagers couldn’t believe that Cuthbert had been stitched up and they were convinced that he would never have committed such a desperate act.  They went out of their way to prove his innocence and invited the people of Handcross to witness a beauty pageant where, so they said, they would behold a spectacle of such beauty and loveliness that Cuthbert’s guilt would be absolved.  Unbeknown to the people of Handcross this spectacle would not be one of wenches and handmaidens but one of cattle, sheep and other farmyard friends.  The people of Crawley would prove that Cuthbert couldn’t possibly fall for such an ugly looking Bull when his true love had so much more to offer.

After witnessing such a horrific spectacle the Kitten torturing Cardinal of Handcross and Staplefield called for a Crusade against the sinful village to cleanse it of these demonic beasts and their farmyard fancies.  Beelzebub quickly seized the gauntlet and after receiving the sacred standard of St. Atheist from the Bishop he set forth on his quest.  As will be remembered that Beelzebub sustained a minor injury during the first battle of Worral towers so receiving the banner without having the use of his long lost arms was quite a traumatic experience for the Bishop.  Not withstanding Beelzebub empathised and using his one gnarled tooth and diseased gums he plucked the standard from the bishops hands and spinning round held it aloft to his expectant followers.  After making an arousing speech, which no one could quite understand, the crowd cheered politely.  Beelzebub was very surprised how well it was received so when he asked if someone could take the standard for a moment whilst he nipped off to the loo he was at a loss as to why everyone just smiled and patted him on the back.

Back on the battlefield the Monks were in lather when they heard that the perpetrators of the original sin would be on the opposing side.  However, they chafed at the bit in agitation when they learnt that Rup planned to go on the defensive rather than attack and they could see their opportunity to purify Crawley slipping from their grasp.

Building a position akin to what in 700 years time would be called the Atlantic wall Rup awaited the onslaught from Mike and John.  From his right flank Johns Longbows peppered Rups own Longbows with a shower of sharp sticks to the point where they routed from the field.  Before their demise Rups Longbows had done enough damage to one of John units to force it to rout as well.  With a gap in Rups line as wide as the Grand canyon John now concentrated his firepower on the feudal levies behind, the only problem was that the sharp sticks were starting to run out so instead of a peppering, his archers gave the levies more of a salt and shake.

Whilst this was going on Mike had been steadily but surely worked his way up both of Rups flanks.  The right flank saw a band of mounted mercenary scum move forward and rout a unit of lowly futile levies before they themselves were pinned by some even lower Welsh Spearmen.  Seeing his chance Rup launched his Knights into the fray routing one of the mercenary units.  Further to the right Mikes other horde of mercenaries crashed into another unit of futile levies.  Swords and maces fell again and again as the knights mashed the levies unprotected flesh to a pulp.  Like a teenagers ripe spot erupting on the bathroom mirror the Knights exploded into the rear of Rupert’s army.  Resembling a pack of wolves on a feeding frenzy they looked around for yet more flesh to devour.

On the left flank the main bulk of Mikes army had been progressively eating up ground and as it swung onto what it thought was Rups soft underbelly it saw before it the Monks of St. Atheist.  Faltering, the army screeched to a halt, horses reared in panic, as each unit waited for the other to move forward.  Like a bunch of underage teenagers plucking up courage to buy a drink at the bar they all looked to the eldest and most experienced in the group, the Teutonic Knights!

Unaware that they were being watched some of the Knights had started slowly retiring from the field whilst the Grand Masters head was turned, others jostled for a position further to the rear.  Those that were in the Masters view looked straight ahead sweating under their great helms and pretending not to notice his instruction to attack.  Having witnessed what the Monks were capable of during the third battle of Worral towers, where they defiantly held their ground around the toffee apple stall against a unit of Feudal Knights, the Teutons were in no mood to mix it with Beelzebub and his gang.

Eventually they became aware that everyone was looking at them in aghast as they played out their cowardly act.  Not wanting to loose face those that had not already escaped the field bunched together trying to get a berth at the rear or further in the middle where they were less likely to come to grips with the monks.  Crossing them selves on their chests and saying as many Hail Mary’s as they could in the short time they had to live they advanced at a deafening walk moving as slow as honour demanded.

In the mean time the Monks had been looking at each other in disbelief.  Why wouldn’t the Knights close with them?  Some smelt under their armpits just in case they were too clean, others put their hands in front of their mouths and smelt their own breath, some asked others to smell their backsides, many passing out in the process, but nothing they did could pin point why the Knights were acting so strangely.  The leaders gathered round the sect’s banner, “Sable on a Toffee Apple Stall gules between three Toffee Apples Azure” to confer and see if they were in a position to charge the Knights themselves.  They deliberated long and hard, but just as they were about to make up their minds the Teutons advanced.

As they got closer the smell from the peasants grew stronger.  The horses couldn’t work out why their masters were making them move at such a slow pace, the smell was wonderful, so wonderful that it reminded them of a prize mare on heat.  The urge to get nearer grew stronger as the inches passed under their hooves.  They bucked and whinnied as their riders tried to hold them back, but it was no good.  Like greyhounds let loose from their traps the horses sped toward the aroma disregarding their master’s pleas to stop.

Unable to control their mounts the Knights clung on for dear life and prayed to mother Teresa to deliver them from the evil that was before them.  They could see the Monks leering at them in anticipation of the fun that was about to commence.  As the horses crashed in amongst the monks the stench was overwhelming.  Some knights just passed out on the spot whilst others were thrown clear of the fray.  The horses went wild bucking in ecstasy.  Some Knights watched in disbelief and their eyes watered as they witnessed a group of particularly excitable horses mount a group of fleeing Monks.  The clever horses pinned the monks to the ground licking them with their tongues until their clothes were ripped asunder.

As this was going on many of the Knights could hear the faint screams of the terrified monks and excited whinnies of the horses in the distance as they quit the field.  Many sought solace at the “Peasant stench recovery centre” having been overwhelmed by the whirlwind of putrid turbulence generated by the melee.  It wouldn’t be until 1915 that such a deadly gas would be used again and even by the standard of the day it was far milder than that used at the 4^th battle of Worral towers.

The First Sikh War battles

by Dave Vallance

Here's a rough outline to the 4 battles of the first war..1845-1846

Mudki - 18th December 1845 

first battle, Sikhs under Lal Singh (remember him?)
bump into Sir Hugh Gough's advancing force (now known as the Army of the Sutlej) near the village of Mudki ..British win (huzzah!) and 3rd Light Dragoons win battle honour for charging down the Sikh gun lines

Ferozeshah - 21st - 22nd December 1845
  

Lal, having been given a bloody nose, retires to the village of Ferozeshah, where he digs in, throwing up earthworks around the village, in a horseshoe shape. He realises that his troops cannot manouevre in the open as at Mudki as well as the British, , so from now on the Sikhs develop the tactic of throwing up earthworks etc, with their heavy artillery well placed, and await the British attack..this tactic is now the norm for the remaining battles..a Sikh fortified defence attacked head on by the British and Sepoys.

Anyway, Sir Hugh Gough wants to attack straight away, but he is reined in by the Governor General, Sir, Henry Hardinge, who although acting as a subordinate. insists that Gough waits for another team to arrive, under Sir Charles Littler, who has been bottled up in the town of Ferozepore (not shah) which is on the River Sutlej, the border between us and the Sikhs, and to the north of Ferozeshah.

 Littler has been bottled up by another Sikh army, under their C in C, Tej Singh, but Littler manages to get out during the night and joins Gough.

Gough attacks on the 21st , wins with a Phyrric victory, drives the Sikhs out, but as the water in the village has been contaminated by the Sikhs, he is forced to retire to his start lines to get food, ammo, water etc.. during the night, the sneaky Sikhs retake Ferozeshah, and start bombarding the Brits again with their guns that the Brits hadnt spiked etc.

Gough, wants to attack during the night, but is again reined in by Hardinge (yes there is an 'e' at the end of his name, its not a typo)

The next morning, Gough attacks again and retakes Ferozeshah in a hard fought battle...we win again (another huzzah!!). however we are exhausted, thirsty, tired (having been shot at all night by the Sikh artillery) and down to our last rounds..when....Tej Singh's army turn up!! Oh crap, we are in deep shittings! 

Off we go again...the knackered Army of the Sutlej stand too, realising that they've got to fight again against a fresh Sikh army...however, Tej retreats when he sees British cavalry heading towards the flank....remember the plan to destroy the Khalsa from previous mails? Tej realised that he could beat the Army of the Sutlej, but the plan is to have the Khalsa beaten..."treachery, treachery", is the cry from the Sikh soldiery..The Brits and Sepoys breath a big sigh of relief.....now there comes a 'what if?' What would happen if Tej attacked?

Could this have led to a general Indian uprising?

Aliwal - 28th January 1846 - 'the battle without a mistake'

well we won't be doing this game!

Another Sikh force under a Ranjoor Singh was trying to cut off our supply lines and Gough sent Sir Harry Smith to stop him, which he did (shall we have another huzzah?) at the village of Aliwal.

16th Lancers charge and break a Sikh regular infantry square, another battle honour

 Sobraon - 10th February 1846

By now the Sikhs had retreated back to the River Sutlej, this was
their last stand..again earthworks on a semi circle, their rear on the river itself with a bridge of boats going across, artillery on far bank proving support..another frontal assault, Gough by now had some heavy seige guns which he used effectively, but when told they were running low on ammo, his famous quote of "thank god, at last I can get at them with the bayonet" came about here. Once the lines were breached, by cavalry no less, and help arrived, the Sikhs headed for the river , some swimming, some trying to cram across the bridge which collapsed...now it became a turkey shoot for the Brits..the Khalsa was effectively destoyed and the remainder surrendered..the First Sikh war was over...

All of these battles were hard fought affairs, the British being surprised and impressed by the unanticipated courage and determination of the Sikhs. Many British officers thought that Ferozeshah was ' a very desperate affair'.. the Sikhs actually claimed it as a victory. If it was a British victory, then it certainly wasnt a decisive one. General Gough also admired the martial qualities of the Sikhs . He one said "Never did a native army having so relatively slight an advantage in numbers fight a battle with the British in which the issue was so doubtful as at Ferozeshah"

Check out Dave's excellent Sikh Wars Introductory article <here>