Self Hibernation Campaign - The Mississippi Tigers win Again!

From Robert Hope, Chickamauga Battlefield Hospital, September 21st, 1863

I sit here, alongside the stretcher that bears the noble figure of our very own warrior Hero, General Roscoe "Rocky" Coltrane. He has, dear reader, been wounded, not once, but twice, but he is still alert and barking out orders in his Mississippi drawl. A medical surgeon is looking closely at the wound in his left arm, and another at the wound to his right leg...

"Mr Hope, thank you for coming to see me...Owwww!  Watch what your'e doing with that probe, boy...how did we do? How did ma ...Owww..goddamn it, now they are stabbing my in the leg! ..how did ma boys fight?  Ah hope we made Mississippi proud"

Chinese soldier
in the Civil War

I replied "We sure did, General,we licked those damn blue bellies good and proper, they were last seen skeddadling north. Your boys were fighting like tigers. In fact, by your leave sur, I'd like to start my next article The Mississippi Tigers win Again!..Well, Louisiana have there tigers, why not our own?

The boys from Picton's Brigade also fought fiercely as well, I believe that they are from Maryland,Tennessee and Virginia. I reckon ah could give them the name of Picton's Panthers. The President in Richmond will no doubt now see fit to give you another star, General"

"Mr Hope, you do indeed...owwwww..will you quit that probing, you damn saw bones?...you do indeed have a way with words. By the by, Mr Hope, please tell these blood suckers that if they have to take the arm or the leg off, make sure they....owwwww son of a bitch....get the right ones.."

And another from
Pennsylvania

A Chinese doctor approaches, his once white apron now covered in various shades of red and crimson.

"I'm Doctor Wu. The General must ha some rest now, please excuse...no worry, he be back very soon in staddle"

Mr Hope stands, and says to the medic

"That's ok doc, I was just going. You take care, Genereal, y'a hear"

Mr Hope turns to leave, but trips on a discarded bayonet, which directs his face to make contact with the tent post. A crunching sound is heard. Everyone looks in his direction. As he slowly arises, he is clutching his face, with blood seeping between his fingers. 

With remarkable aplomb, he quietly says to Doctor Wu, "Excuce be, doc, but I seem do hav broked ma nose"

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Coltrane

From Robert Hope

Chickamauga, Northen Georgia,Sept 1863

Rolling into the camp of the Hazzard Brigade come 3 gaudily painted wagons, which cause much amusement to the men. The wagons back up alongside one another, and the back curtains are pulled back. The tailgates are dropped down, and some men from the wagons secure the boards to one another, making a temporary stage .

From the middle wagon comes a  tall, slick haired gentleman, dressed in check suit and a straw hat.

He calls out from a large horn.

"Well howdy folks, and welcome to Cassius Clay's Travelling Show Down! Yessiree, bub, come come. come up, and prepare to be amazed, astonished and astounded on what we have on show for you brave men! From Alabama, we have Glen Millers orchestra"

..the curtain on the left hand wagon now reveals Glen Miller to be a small, bespectacled little man with three hairs stuck down to his skull in a terrible comb over, sat behind a tatty looking upright piano...

...to his left, stands a plumb dark haired woman, Mrs Griselda Miller, with her 3 chins and a patina of dandruff

Miss Griselda

scattered around her shoulders. Tucked up against one shoulder is what was a shiny violin, but now looks like an instrument that has died. The third and final member of the troupe is their son, Windy, who is so skinny he disappears from view when he stands side on, except for the large nose that makes him look like a shark standing up. In between his feet he straddles a large bass drum. 

Glen now starts to stamp his feet " One, two, a one two three four.." the deafening sound sound of Windy hitting the drum with a passion that causes the troops to duck, thinking an ammo wagon has blown up ..various versions of "What the fuck was that?" came forth from the soldiery.

Sadly, the impact was so hard it punctured the drum skin, causing Windy's grip to release, the stick now unrestricted continued on its travels, with enough impetus to burst through the other side, making contact with the rear of Glen's skull. The force caused two of the hairs stuck down to suddenly whip up and lash his left ear, leaving two thin gashes down to the lobe.

Glen's head, whose neck was not exactly strong, was poleaxed down in an arc by the drum sticks force, thus causing a nasty impact on the keyboard cover. Glen' s brain now decided to switch off, as the lid swung down onto his finger that were still on the black and white keys. The crunching sound of bone was heard by the front rank of soldiers, most of who were now transfixed with open mouths and staring eyes. This, of course, caused a pain spasm to awaken Glen's brain again, and letting out a loud "Yarrrooooooo!" and whipping his mangled fingers from under the lid, his right hand caught his beloved wife's solar plexus just about where the whalebone corset was straining to get out. The sudden compression of several layers of fat activated a nerve which had its other end up by the left shoulder, which by chance was the one which propped up the violin.

Hazzard County Band

Now Griselda, was in mid bow draw, as it scrapped across the strings of her instrument, had been watching what was happening, so the sudden release of the hand which held the bow caught her by surprise, as the bow shot back across the strings at some speed, making a horrible screeching sound like a cat with constipation. The bow, fired by the strings that had been stretched, now turned into an arrow, and its slow, looping trajectory took its descent into the side tent of General Coltrane. Thwack, it went, as it ended up in his spittoon.

Roscoe, not being one to flinch, just peered down. He muttered to himself "The show must be back in town again"

Next up, be amazed at the 3 beautiful dancers from Tennessee, the Memphis Belles, the strong man from Russia, Ivan Liftoff, and the magician, the Great Stupendo

Self Hibernation CAmpaign - General Coltrane

From Robert Hope

Here I am, dear reader, writing this latest report to come from our brave boys from Mississippi. We are by a pretty little creek called Chickamauga, which is just over the state border into Georgia. The country here is very attractive, with several high ridges dominating the skyline.

I have just come from the HQ tent of General Roscoe "Rocky" Coltrane, having been privvy to sit in on one of his briefings with his regimental commanders. People still wonder at the validity in such actions, fearing that my report may fall into the wrong hands, but we feel that the folks back home need to know the truth on how our brave men are really doing. 

Gneral Roscrans

First of all, General James Longstreets command was dispatched from the Army of Northern Virginia, under the great Robert E Lee, and has now traveled west to join up with General Braxton Bragg and and his Army of Tennessee. The Yankees here are known a the Army of The Cumberland, under a leader called William Rosecrans, who I believed is known as "Old Rosey".

General Bragg

I understand that Gen Bragg is not one of the best liked officer, being apparently willing to blame his subordinates if a battle goes wrong. I do hope that Longstreet does not let this damage and relationship between these two officers

Any old how, back to the meeting. 

I was the first there when the officers arrived, I could tell that Colonel's Pepper and Justice were rather angry about something.

Pepper : "I'm sorry General,but ah must protest, as does Buford does likewise, about the disbanding of the 1st and 2nd Regiments, after all the service we have provided"

Coltrane : "Ah do see ho you both feel about this, but ah must take into account about the loses we suffered at Gettysburg. Ah have also now been given command of General Picktons brigade, so ah do hope that our joint commands can carry on our fight. Ah do hear a whisper, that our own General Green, may give me another star, so the Hazzard and Picktons brigades will now form a Division of our great and mighty army. If this should happen, JW, you will then take command of the Hazzard Brigade, and you, Buford will command then now combined 1at and 2nd Mississippi Regiments. Jedediah, you will still retain control of the 3rd Regiment. And to you both, Captain's Jackson and Beauregard, will keep control of your batteries and will ensure that you have been re supplied. I believe we will be going into action tomorrow, around this creek called...

He peers again at the map spread out on the table..

"Chickamauga. Now, do I have your continued support and trust?"

To a man, they all stood and saluted. "Yes sir" was voiced in unison.

Word from Chancellorsville

From Robert Hope, May 4th, 1863. 

Here is my second report following the action at Chancellorsville, Virginia. The Confederacy were once again assaulted by the Yankee blue devils, on our home soil, but once again our brave defenders showed these arrogant Unionists that they cannot, nor will not, push us around with impunity. 

Gen'l Clayton Recuperating
with a comfy chair

With numerous assaults on our line, our boys held firm, thanks to the brilliant generalship of our leaders, especially that of General's Clayton, Green and Jackson. However, it is my solemn duty to report the demise of our glorious officer, Thomas Jonathan Jackson, known throughout the South as Stonewall. It is not yet clear what happened, but there is a malicious rumour going around that he was shot in error by our own men. It is also reported that General Clayton received a nasty wound, 

I am still awaiting conformation on this, but I am aware that some men are writing to there beloved ones back home in Hazzard to send cushions, or pillows to the general. I know that he is described as a "gentleman of generous proportions", so could these be he needs further support as  I have heard that he won't be sitting down for a time.

I am still with the Hazzard brigade, our boys fought like tigers, we have taken some casualties but morale and spirit is still very high, especially after the recent arrival of Mr Stobbard's wagons. There is a whisper that Colonel Buford Justice has been seen around the wagon park, with an unholstered pistol, muttering to himself 

"Where is that little bastard son of a bitch?" 

but I believe Mr Stobbard left "like a whirlwind "as soon as he saw the Colonel head towards the wagons.

I do not know Lee's next intentions, but I hope the readers will stay enthralled at the glory our Mississippi boys are making.

Self Isolating Campaign - Ramblings form Gen'l Rocky Coltrane

April 28th 1863.

In the camp of the famous Hazzard Brigade, the troops are suddenly surprised to see some wagons pulling into their encampment. Then, seeing as to where these wagons have come from, they start whoopin' and a'hollerin'. tossing their caps into the air (how do you get your own one back? 

"Nope, thats not mine..nor that one..anyone seen a kepi size 7 and 5/8's?" )

General Coltrane is enjoying some coffee with his regimental and battery commanders. Upon hearing the commotion, he whips back the tent flaps and cries out 

"What in tarnation is all this gol'darned hoohar about?"

 He spits a chew of baccy into the metal pot by his feet..Spit..Whee..Dang...

He turns to the 2nd Mississippi commander, Buford T Justice, and growls an order..

"Justice, go see what all that racket is about, damn nearly spilled ma coffee"

Buford salutes, forgetting that there was a large seegar sticking out of the right corner of his mouth. As his hand connects with said article on its way up to the forehead, the seegar is now knocked out and in a slow graceful arc, slowly spins into the spittoon. and lands with a might splat 

"Damn", mutters Buford. 

He complete the salute, and it is returned by Roscoe. 

Captain Jubal Jackson, commander of the Hazzard Howitzers emits a slight cough. 

"About time you got that thing emptied, General"

Roscoe makes no comment, but stares at the back of Burford as he makes his way to the horse lines. Roscoe thinks 

"How that boy ever got through the Mississippi Military Academy god only knows" 

He spits again...Spit...Whee................................Dang.

" Bring that thing closer, will ya?"

He turns to the commanders still present. 

"Gentlemen, seeing as I have not received a reply to ma offer of taking some more troops from other commands to help with communications, ah do believe it is time to crack open another bottle of some fine Mississippi Dragonfire Bourbon ma folks sent to me "

Mississippi Wagon Train

Meanwhile, Buford finds his horse, known as "Whoa, Ya Bastard", secured in the horse lines. He mounts up, and heads off to where the noise is coming from. As he crests a small rise, he seas that pandemonium has broken out. Soldiers and gunners from all the units are surrounding about 5 wagons. He rides up to one Major Des Arster, 2nd i/c of the 1st Mississippi. He calls out 

"Major, what the hell is going on here? Explain!"

The major salutes, and with a cheery smile, he calls out, 

"This is a convoy of supplies that have come all the way from Hazzard County, sur! The good folks down there have all contributed to provide comforts for her boys. There's clothing, shoes, candy, coffee, tobacco and some tinned fruit. As you can see, they are real darned pleased to see them!" 

Lulu Belle Coltrane

As he turns, someone throws a brand new set of long drawers from a wagon, which lands on the Majors cap, the legs wrapping around his head, thus causing him sudden vision loss. He steps on a dropped haversack, the strap causing him to trip head first into a pile of horse shit left by one of the wagons horses. 

Buford thinks "Ah always wondered how he got that name"

He looks down the line of wagons, and stencilled on each one, is the name of a local haulier. one Ed Stobbard, and each wagon has a girls name on it, just by the drivers seat. apparently, each name relates to one of Eddies "conquests" back home. 

He thinks to himself "Ah wonder if my wife, Lulu Belle, helped with these supplies, it would be just like her, ah miss her so much"  

From inside his blouse, he pulls out a small likeness of Lulu Belle, and stares fondly into her eyes. when he looks up, he sees the name on the third wagon..."Lulu Belle"

"Wait a cotton pickin' minute....."

Self Hibernating Campaign - 2nd Mississippi Heroes

By Robert Hope, from the field of Fredericksburg, Virginia. 16th December 1862 (the day after the battle)

As I sit here outside my tent, just outside the town of Fredericksburg, Virginia, I am watching some proud boys from the Hazzard Brigade of Mississippi, march past their leader, Brigadier General Roscoe P. Coltrane. He is sitting nobly on his white horse, known to all his men as Ghost, and he is smiling. 

He returns the salutes and cheers as his men march by, their uniforms and battle flags somewhat tattered from these last four days of action. My, how proud they are, these Mississippians, they give credit to the whole Confederate army. 

With their stalwart defence, along with their comrades in arms from throughout the Confederacy, the pompous Yankees were taught a lesson they will never forget. Their commander, a General Burnside, must be kicking his heels in anger at the way his attack was botched from the very start.

2nd Mi Inf. In their new slouch hats
with their national flag whilst battle
honours added to their Battleflag

So fierce was the Mississippians defence that General Robert E Lee himself was heard to say to an aide,  "Look at Coltrane and his men, standing against the blue waves like a rock". Word of this got back to Hazzard Brigade, who promptly gave their commander a nick name, that of "Rocky" .

So, dear readers of the Banner, cheer our brave boys, especially those of General Roscoe "Rocky" Coltrane "

End of report

By the by, the 2nd Mississippi are now taken to be wearing black slouch hats, taken from the defeated blue bellies, in preference to their grey kepis.

Self Hibernation Campaign - General Coltrane speaks...

Sitting outside his HQ just outside Fredericksburg, Brig Gen Coltrane is surprised to receive two packages from Hazzard county. One is quite large, about 18" square. Upon opening it, he finds an expanse of blue cloth. "Hmm", he thinks, "I didn't order any new uniform, and besides, it's now the wrong colour". 

However, as he unfurls the cloth, he is astonished to find that it is in fact a flag, about 4ft square. In the dead centre is a large white star, with the letter "H" in black.

In its middle. The letter is bordered by some beautifully woven golden thread. Above the star, also in fine golden thread are the words. 

"To our brave boys in the Hazzard Brigade"

and underneath the star, the words 

"From the Ladies of Hazzard Co, Miss".

Coltrane decides that this proud flag, a version of the Bonnie Blue Flag,  will henceforth signify the HQ of his Brigade

The second package is a letter, from Sheriff Hogg himself. In it, he reports that he and the posse went to the Duke's farm, spoke to Old Uncle Jessie and the two boys, Bo and Luke. Their sister, the voluptuous sister Daisy, was sitting on the porch wearing skimpy crinoline dresses and a low cut top. Sheriff Hogg  threatens them to desist their criminal activities or the two boys will find themselves drafted into the army and Jessie and Daisy would have to deal with the farm themselves.

Self Hibernation Campaign - Summer 1861 - Brig Gen Roscoe P. Coltrane stirs into life...

Left - Brig Gen Roscoe P. Coltrane
Standing Right- Col JW Pepepr
Seated Right - Lt Col. Justice
Standing Left - Trooper

Just after 7pm on 20th July 1861, near to a creek called Bull Run in Virginia, Brig Gen Roscoe Pee Coltrane, commander of the soon to be infamous Hazzard Brigade of Mississippi, is settling down by his tent to enjoy some locally procured meat from a nearby farm (farmer Giles did complain at first but some Yankee dollars kept him happy)  and a glass of two chilled Alabama Rose wine. With him are his regimental commanders, and the commander of the artillery. 

Roscoe "Ah hope ma boys will do well tomorrow, this will be their first time in action. We've come all this way to fight the blue bellies and ah want the folks back home in Hazzard to think well of us"

The 1st Mississippi's leader, JW Pepper, leaned back, finished the wine and got one of his huge seegars out "There's no worry there, Genrall, mah boys will hold firm"

Roscoe : "Bah the way, Jubal (the artillery captain), how's your guns? Already for tomorrow?

Jubal " My little babies are already and rady to fire,sir..as you know, mah guns are name after the disciples... Matthew, Mark, Luke and John, they sure will do bark out the Lord's word when the time comes"

"Amen to that", replied Roscoe.

Suddenly, a rider came galloping up to the tent, and a dust covered trooper leapt from the horse and stood to attention, saluting the officers.."Begin ya pardon, Genr'll but ah have some news from Hazzard, just come over the wire to Manassas"

Roscoe sighed "Let's have it, boy"

The rider advanced a few paces, and bent down to hand Roscoe the note. The rider stood up, and remained to attention. Roscoe opened the note. 

Lt Col Justice, the 2nd's leader leaned forward "Everything ok, Genr'll?"

Roscoe, having read a few lines, sighed out loud. He screwed up the note paper and threw it in disgust onto the dirt. "Ah knew it, ah jest dang well knew it. No sooner do we leave Hazzard, and that darned Duke family start causing trouble. Trooper, go back to the telegraph office, get them to send a message back to Hazzard, and tell that dipshit mayor, Boss Hogg, had better get it sorted or I'll be back maself! 

"Now git!" Roscoe slumped back into his chair "Son of a bitch", he whispered.