Lists within lists, AKA my brain in parenthood

I really do want to blog more this year, but here's the thing: most of what I spend my mental energy on is so specific that I doubt many of you would be particularly interested in it. But I'm also proud of myself for a lot of these things, so today you're getting a list of some lists I could easily turn into entire blog posts but realistically won't ever. If you're wondering where my time and energy go when I'm not actively chasing around a small child, here's a large portion of the answer.

Clothing that actually fits well over cloth diapers

This one is a little older now, since we finally (mostly) potty trained last summer, but I spent so many hours buying pairs of pants online, looking for something that would work for my child. Plus, I went to every secondhand store and flipped through all their pants, comparing them to the one pair I knew did work. It was ridiculous, and time-consuming, and my child's pants stayed up and covered his bum without dragging on the ground or tripping him so it was totally worth it.

Outerwear for being outside every day in every kind of weather

Very early on in parenthood, I made it a goal to get outside every day that I possibly could. Which, it turns out, can mean every single day if you dress right, at least where we've lived. No matter whether it's 90 degrees or 9 degrees, I have an outfit and a plan for it - which is a butt ton of work, by the way. Lately my kid has taken to asking why no one else is out playing when it's cold and windy, or when it's raining, or when the weather is otherwise less than ideal. And I tell him the truth - it wouldn't be fun to be out if you didn't have the right clothes. But we do, so we're good to go!

Durable barefoot/minimalist shoes that my child will actually wear

When my kid started walking, I did some research and made the decision to outfit him with minimalist shoes as much as possible. My goal was to find shoes he liked wearing that didn't cost an arm and leg, especially when he was going through a shoe size every two months! Now, at almost four years old, he has definite opinions about his footwear, and shoes I've been really excited about haven't always gone over so well with him... It also turns out he has somewhat expensive taste in shoes, but I've gotten to be an expert at hunting for deals and navigating the crazy world of BST groups.

Affordable and not ugly toy storage that can also hold a child

For a while we were using old diaper or wipes boxes, but I just hated seeing them all over my living room - attractive they most definitely are not! Also, it's amazing what qualifications you find yourself thinking about as you shop for stuff as a parent. Seriously though, I think my child has fit himself inside every single box and basket that we own, or at least worn them on a foot or on his head. Now if only I could get him to regularly put away his toys in the proper baskets instead of just chucking them wherever...

Weaning

Last month marked the end of an incredibly special relationship for me: after 3+ years of breastfeeding my child, we've had our last snuggle for milkies. It was time - he was losing interest and I was ready to have my body back - but I also miss starting every day with that unique closeness, and having a dedicated time for my daily Wordle...

As some of you know, breastfeeding wasn't something that came easily or naturally for us. First, we were separated when he wasn't even two days old, and even when we were reunited I didn't always have the strength to hold him for a full nursing session (I do not recommend postpartum preeclampsia to anyone - it really sucks). Plus, he was born with tongue and lip ties that went undiagnosed for two months of excruciatingly painful latches and continually bloodied nipples. And even when the ties were finally dealt with, it took us two more months of various appointments and exercises (so. many. exercises) to get to the point where he could latch and nurse close to normally. I dealt with milk supply issues thanks to his decreased ability to nurse, he dealt with weight gain issues, and I ended up pumping every single night for a long time to get him the extra milk he desperately needed.

There were many days in the beginning when I thought it would be a miracle if we made it two months, or six, much less the year I was originally aiming for. And I never dreamed I would get so good at cleaning pump parts and washing bottles. But eventually things got to the point where nursing stopped being a chore and became a very special time to slow down and just BE, together. I don't know when I realized we weren't going to stop at a year, or even at two, but I'm so glad we got as long as we did. And while I still struggle sometimes with the fact that my milk alone wasn't enough to get his growth back on track when he was little, I do give our continued breastfeeding into toddlerhood at least some of the credit for his crazy fast growth over the past couple of years.

Hobbes sharing in the nursing snuggles.

I haven't gone around broadcasting the details of our breastfeeding journey to the world, but as I've mentioned to people that we've stopped, I've gotten one question that I don't quite understand: more than one person has asked me if we're planning to have more biological children. And while I do understand how they might think this connects to breastfeeding my current kid, it just doesn't compute for me. Whether I breastfeed more children or not, I'll never have that level of intimacy with THIS child again. And that's the hardest thing to let go.

His hand wrapped around mine, his body relaxed into me, his belly filled with my milk, his breath on my breast, his life fed by mine. That's what we fought for, what we literally bled for, what we started each day with for all of his life until we suddenly didn't anymore.

I'm going to be processing that loss for while. I'm okay with that.

And yesterday I got to stay in bed until 8AM. And I'm okay with that too.

A few of my favorite things: Jan-Mar 2023

Life is a lot right now, and it can be easy to get lost in the things that pull me down. To combat that, I've decided to do a quarterly round-up of things that are making me happy. And yes, you can expect to see a lot of books, movies, and TV shows - I love me some good storytelling. Anyway, in no particular order, here are some things that have lifted my spirits in the last few months.

1. tick, tick... BOOM! on Netflix is everything I could ever ask for from a movie adaptation of a musical. Andrew Garfield is incredible, and Lin-Manuel Miranda's vision as director is perfect (and yes, this makes me a little sad he handed over the directorial reins for In the Heights). It also doesn't hurt that I love the energy and emotion in Jonathan Larson's music, both in this and in Rent.

2. I wasn't sure I was ready to read anything that touched on Covid, but it turns out John Green was the perfect person for me to read on that subject, and on a lot of other subjects too. We should probably never be friends in real life because his neuroses are too similar to mine, but when he finds the ability to hope in the middle of the mess that is our world, it helps show me how to do the same. I'm now slowly listening to the audiobook because it's just so soothing.

3. Speaking of neuroses, Elementary is fast becoming my favorite version of the character of Sherlock Holmes. I know this show has been around for a while, but I hadn't seen past season two, so I'm having fun watching it through from start to finish (well, to season five so far). Jonny Lee Miller plays Holmes with so much nuance, the dynamic between Holmes and Watson is spot on, and there's something strangely relaxing about a good procedural.

4. This isn't new to the last few months, but as an adult I've rediscovered the joy of building LEGO sets. So far this year I've built the Microfighter version of Boba Fett's ship, a mini X-wing, and (with my toddler's help) a shark and crab from the Creator series. It's also been fun handing them off to the toddler when I'm done, because he loves playing with the completed builds.

5. And when it comes to doing things with the toddler, his newest hobby makes me incredibly happy: he LOVES doing jigsaw puzzles. And not just ones for kids; in fact, he prefers what he calls "long puzzles." He's still learning how to figure out where pieces go, but if you point out where to put them, he'll assemble the whole thing himself. Our latest was a 750-piece puzzle, which took us three days, but we can do a 300-piece puzzle in a single day sometimes, especially if it's his favorite one.

Books, packing tape, and lessons in letting go

I know there are many people who regularly blog, journal, or otherwise note down their thoughts while simultaneously raising small humans. So far, that has not been me. This year I'd like to change that, at least a little.

And I can't think of anything better to write about than sharing with you my toddler's love of books, which brings me so much joy. My child will happily sit and be read to for as long as someone is willing to read - I generally tag out after 30-40 minutes, but he'll go longer if I will! Plus, he'll read whole stacks of books to himself, quoting large portions as he goes (and often filling his diaper at the same time...) I love reading - it's one of the very few things I've kept up with since becoming a mother - and it's just wonderful to see my child falling in love with books as well.

Of course, like anything with a toddler, it's not all sunshine and roses. Part of instilling this love of reading has meant leaving books where my kid can access them, which in turn has meant quite a few ripped pages and broken spines. I believe wholeheartedly that books should be treated with great respect - no dog-eared corners or facedown paperbacks here! - but even when my toddler is doing his best to treat his books gently, accidents happen. And then there are the days where he has purposefully torn out pages, bent books in half, or eaten chunks of them (teething is ridiculous).

It takes a definite effort on my part to hand precious books over to my child and then not get angry when they get beaten up, but it's been a good way to practice on a small scale something that applies on a much larger scale: I can give him good things, and teach him good practices, but I cannot control what he does with any of it in the long run.

I can, however, get really good at using packing tape to reconstruct mangled reading materials, and that will have to be enough for now.

To the mamas who don't have it all together, today or any day

If your FB newsfeed looks anything like mine in the week leading up to Mother's Day, you'll have seen lots of posts from friends celebrating motherhood - questionnaires about pregnancy and birth, ultrasounds or newborn photos contrasted with pictures of the kid now, old photographs of people's mothers and grandmothers, and a lot of sentimental captions from children thanking their mothers, husbands celebrating their wives, and mothers reflecting on the wonder of their journeys. Along with these, there are also the posts acknowledging that Mother's Day is a hard day for many people - for those who want to be mothers but are once again meeting this day childless, for those who've lost a child or those who've lost their mother and are feeling that loss more keenly again today, and for those with difficult or broken mother/child relationships, among others.

I'll be honest: I really enjoy seeing people's posts this time of year, both the celebrations and the struggles. But this year I realized that despite all the posts I've seen, it felt like something was missing. No where did I see posts recognizing the drastically contrasting emotions that have defined these past two years for me, no where did I see anything allowing mothers with healthy children and no losses to admit that they're really struggling with this whole motherhood thing, no where did I see people acknowledging that this day can be emotionally difficult even for those without a big reason making it hard. Let's change that, shall we?

Happy Mother's Day,

To the mother feeling guilty because you have friends who want kids so badly and have gone through so much trying to get there, while you got pregnant easily but have so many days where you feel ambivalent at best about motherhood, and a decent few days where you just want to return the kid to sender.

To the mother whose worst fear was realized when you were separated from your newborn, who now frequently feels like a terrible person for how much you want a day where you could leave behind your child and also turn off your mom-brain for a while.

To the mother reading the same book aloud for the forty-seventh time this week, faking enthusiasm while inwardly wondering yet again why you ever set aside an intellectually stimulating job for the tedium of dealing with a small child.

To the mother whose heart thrills with joy when your little one snuggles on your shoulder and pats you while repeating, "Mama," over and over again, while simultaneously being so tired of them being clingy and wishing you could put them down without having them scream bloody murder.

To the mother holding your teething toddler for yet another nap, listening to their little breaths and gently shushing them every time they whimper and get close to waking, wondering when you will hold them like this for the last time, as you savor the closeness and also long for a day when you won't end up nap trapped by an increasingly heavier baby.

To the mother who was told you would feel differently about kids once you had them and who now knows that's true in some very important ways and oh-so-wrong in others.

To the mother doubting yourself at every step of the way and moving forward anyway, feeling lost and overwhelmed and also so in love with your child, crying one minute because of how much your life has changed and then over the moon with joy the next for exactly the same reason.

I see you. I am you. And I will be here for you if you need a friend to come alongside you for a moment or a season or a lifetime, because while I'm pretty sure we mothers must be braver and stronger than we think we are, we're also braver and stronger together than alone. You're welcome in my life anytime, and feel free to bring your mess with you - it will pair perfectly with mine.

Birth = exhaustion and exhilaration

1) I'd heard that pregnancy was like a marathon, but people forgot to mention that at the end of that marathon, you have to run an Ironman. Or at least that's what it felt like to me, and I didn't even have a particularly long labor! The level of exhaustion on all fronts was like nothing I've ever felt before, and I'm incredibly glad that both Trevor and our doula were there, because I depended on their physical and emotional support so much to keep me steady as things progressed. Of course, the reward at the end of all that hard work was one hundred percent worth everything it took to get there - my baby boy finally in my arms after months of anticipation.

2) Whenever people heard I'd had multiple kidney stones during pregnancy, they would then tell me I'd have no problem with giving birth. If only that had been true... Everyone experiences pain differently, and I honestly found labor pain to be much more difficult to cope with than kidney stone pain. It didn't necessarily hurt more, but it hurt differently, and in a way that I couldn't compartmentalize nearly as well. On the plus side, labor pain leads to an adorable baby, rather a tiny chunk of nasty looking minerals. I also found myself craving Trevor's encouraging words and reassuring touch during labor, which was pretty much the opposite of how I feel with kidney stones, and was good for connecting as a couple in those moments.

3) Everyone says that when you first hold your child in your arms, you discover a level of love that you've never felt before, but that wasn't the case for me. Granted, I was ridiculously happy to finally have him in my arms, and snuggling him has continued to be one of my favorite things. But I don't feel like the depth and intensity of the love I feel towards my little boy has changed with his birth - it's been constant since week eight of pregnancy, when I had some bleeding and thought we might be losing the baby. I realized in that moment how much I loved this child that I'd never seen, and while gazing into his eyes right after he was born was a moment of intense joy, it didn't magically increase that love. It simply reaffirmed it, and I'm guessing my understanding of what that love looks like will change and grow as my little boy does - I'm excited for that.

Stay at home? I'm good with that

It has been forever since I last posted, but with all the craziness right now in the world I felt like writing again, and thought I'd share a very random selection of thoughts and observations from the past week and a half.

1. Somehow, none of the pregnancy books I read had a chapter on giving birth in the middle of a pandemic.
2. I keep opening doors into my pregnant belly, because I'm not used to it sticking out this far!
3. Organizing baby clothing and supplies is very calming.
4. Also baby clothes are tiny and adorable.
5. Technology is awesome when you can't be with people in person. So far we've had a girls' movie night, a church devotional, caught up with family, and played board games, all via the internet.
6. I started reading Knowing God at the beginning of the month, and it's been so encouraging and reassuring in the midst of all this mess.
7. Also I've found Isaiah 40 very comforting.
8. There aren't many rom-coms that I like to rewatch, but Hitch has the right mix of humor and likeable characters to be hilarious every time.
9. Please never treat a food allergy by drinking a bottle of Benadryl.
10. Contrary to some of the memes I've seen circulating, my cat is very happy to have his humans home all day.
11. Speaking of memes and such, there's a lot of great stuff out there. I think I'll end with one of my favorites: