A little bit of spooky for Halloween

A friend was showing me some stuff on her Pinterest the other day, and one thing in particular sparked my imagination. I get inspiration for story ideas from all over the place, and this one was too good to resist, so I had a bit of fun. Here's the inspiration:

Of course as soon as I saw this, my brain spun out a plotline for a quick oneshot, which I wrote up just in time for Halloween. So, if you're interested in a quick bit of Walmart horror, I invite you to check it out over here in Aisle 13.

Fall is finally here!

In honor of today being Halloween, here's some of the fall-related stuff that's happened this month.

First, the food - thank you, Facebook, for inspiring Trevor to make pumpkin cookies with cream cheese icing. Probably the most delicious thing I've eaten in quite a while (and I'm not going to think about how bad they probably are for me).

And we also baked up a batch of pumpkin seeds, which turned out really well. Those actually were a healthy snack, I'm pretty sure, and they tasted really good. (Radar also thought they were delicious - he would come up and beg for one every time I was eating them - I guess they're sort of like dog treats or something?)

Trevor also carved his first jack-o'-lantern (which is where the pumpkin seeds came from). I couldn't believe he'd reached the age of twenty-seven without ever carving a pumpkin, but that's remedied now. The end result was a very nice classic jack-o'-lantern, which is now gracing our front step.

In other autumnal news, some of the trees finally changed color over the last few days, so it's actually starting to look more like fall outside. Finally. And for the most part, the weather feels more like fall as well - I guess fall just starts in late October out here in Oklahoma. The two best things about finally having cooler weather? Hoodies and hot cups of tea, both of which are high up on my list of things that make me happy :)

And that's been our fall so far - there's a Reformation Day get-together (party!) tonight for church folks, and tentative plans for a bonfire/corn maze a couple weekends from now, so I guess fall really is just getting started here! (Maybe it'll stick around long enough for Trevor to decide to cook up some more delicious fall-inspired food...)

Shipping: My reactions - Only within fandom?

Recently, I've read a couple of articles on shipping, and they made me want to verbalize some of my own frustrations with some of the more prevalent opinions on shipping that are circulating among fandom. To keep the length manageable, this is going to wind up being a series of posts, with me addressing one or two opinions at a time.

I suppose I should begin by defining what shipping is, just in case there are people reading this who don't know. As best as I can explain it, shipping is believing that two characters should be romantically involved (whether or not they actually are together in their show/movie/etc). This couple is known as your ship. Also, for the most part, this term is only used when you are passionate about this couple being together. For example, I ship Peter and Olivia from Fringe (meaning I really, really care about what happens with them as a couple), but I wouldn't say that I ship Nick and Juliette from Grimm (even though they do make a good couple).

Alright, now that everyone knows what I mean when I talk about shipping, let's move on.

One of the popular opinions out there seems to go something like this: you can ship whatever you want, but shipping should stay solely within the domain of fandom. In other words, don't you dare let it be known to the writers/producers/actors/etc that you'd like to see Person X end up romantically involved with Person Y. (From what I've seen, this view is primarily held by non-shippers.)

There are a couple of aspects to this opinion that really bother me. First, why is it alright to advocate for the return of a popular character, or for a time-travel/musical/otherwise-quirky episode, but not for the development of a particular romantic relationship? In today's media culture, fans have more access to the creative team behind shows than ever before, and these sorts of requests often do bring about results, as long as it fits with where the show is headed. Fans can be heard, and studios can use that information to determine what would be best to maintain or boost their viewership. So why shouldn't I be allowed to politely make my preferences known? (Yes, there's a distinct difference being respectfully expressing your desires and sending hate mail/tweets/etc when you disagree with something. The first is always acceptable, while the second is never appropriate, but unfortunately the two tend to get lumped together when the topic of shipping comes up.)

The other aspect that I find aggravating about the insistence that shipping should not extend beyond the boundaries of fandom is that it tends to nurture a culture of shame. Creating boundaries for where it's okay to let your shipper side show causes people to begin to feel uncomfortable about sharing their passion outside of those artificially erected barriers, which is not a healthy thing (this is especially true for non-traditional ships). If people are going to jump down your throat or mock you for expressing your passions outside of the relative anonymity and safety of the section of the fandom that shares those passions, then you start to hide that part of yourself, for fear of being hurt.

Again, I'm not saying that we should go around shoving our ship in other people's faces and tell them to ship it too, or else... Respect should play a key role in our interactions with others, whether those interactions are regarding shipping or something else entirely, and we should realize that others won't always share the same passions. So be proud, and be vocal about your ship, even among others don't ship it, but, in the same way that you wouldn't go on and on about your new truck to someone who is into ballet and could care less about cars, don't push it too far.

Okay, Rant #1 is over. Next time: Why can't you just be happy with a platonic relationship?

(In case anyone is interested, these are the articles that got me going on this: I Won't Go Down With This 'Ship, and Why I Ship (And Why It Shouldn't Matter). Both articles make some good points, and are worth reading, if only to better understand some of the points of view that are out there)

Fandom: A Brief Summary

Yesterday, I had a friend over who was working on an essay for one of her college classes. Her assignment was to write a definition essay, and we were tossing around possible topics when a topic came up that made me say to myself, "Self, I want to write an essay on that." The topic? Fandom.

So, after spending a bit of time yesterday and then finishing it up this morning, this is what I came up with. Keep in mind that this is not a comprehensive definition, so if you read this and feel like I left something out, I probably did (and I still ran 170 words over the word limit...).

Fandom: A Brief Summary

Being part of a fandom is a defining factor in many people's lives, so exploring what this actually means gives insight into how a large portion of the world functions. The term 'fandom' can cover a wide variety of activities, but those activities are always centered around a particular cultural phenomenon - generally a television show, movie, book, band, or celebrity. To understand fandom, it is best to look first at the general behavior that defines members of a fandom, and then to look at specific activities that are play a large role in most fandoms. Also, to make the terminology more simple, I will be talking primarily about television show fandoms, but the same principles apply to most others as well.

There is a distinct difference between merely identifying as a fan of a particular show and calling yourself a part of the fandom. Being a fan of the show simply means that you watch it and enjoy it, while actively identifying as a member of the fandom generally encompasses much more. In general, a member of a fandom will invest large amounts of time and energy in the culture surrounding their particular show, and will become emotionally connected to the fictional events and characters. This can play out in many different ways, but always involves some sort of connection with others who also self-identify as members of the same fandom.

More specifically, social media sites play a large role in this connection for many people. Sites such as Tumblr and Pinterest allow these people to interact with others by sharing photos, videos, and gifs among the fandom. Tumblr and Twitter also serve as platforms where people can liveblog/live tweet episodes, allowing them to interact with other members of the fandom in real time, sharing reactions and 'feels' as they occur. These sites form a major part of the foundation of modern-day fandom, allowing members to interact around the globe with others who share the same interests.

A second piece of this interaction comes through forums and fansites which allow for more in-depth discussion of episodes after they have aired. Here, people can read reviews and meta-analysis by others and then respond with their own perspectives on the issues raised in the show's canon (things that have been explicitly stated on the aired show). The dicussions here can often become very deep, and may require extensive knowledge of past events on the show. These sites also provide a way for people to discuss theories regarding where the show could possibly go in the future.

Another large piece of fandom revolves around fan-created works, generally in the forms of fanfiction and fanart. While comment forums, and, to some extent, sites such as Tumblr, are generally aimed at allowing members of the fandom to interact regarding canonical events, fan works allow these people to take pieces of canon and then create their own worlds. For some, the fan works stay close to the original canonical events, either portraying these events as they happened on the show, or filling in the blanks left between scenes and episodes. For others, fan works provide an opportunity to create what that person wishes would happen on the show, whether it's a romance that never was in canon, or a completely alternate universe altogether. These works can be shared with the fandom as a whole using a variety of sites, and more popular works can often become a point of reference for a large portion of the fandom.

For many of the more popular fandoms, fandom interaction can also occur in person at conventions. Although many members of a fandom will never make it to a convention, for the highly devoted (and slightly more monied) members, this is an opportunity to engage with the fandom in a unique way. At a convention, people get the chance to meet other fans face to face, often finally meeting in person the people they've been interacting with for a long time online. Conventions also allow the fandom to interact with the people who create the show, giving people the opportunity to hear from the talent that makes the show they love.

So we can see that a fandom is a multifaceted community, allowing people to engage in social, intellectual, and creative expression based around a specific cultural phenomenon. As such, it can maintain its relevance even after the phenomenon has ended, because the community has already been formed and the social connections have already been put into place. For some, their fandoms will continue to be a large part of their life for the rest of their life, shaping them even long after the show or movie has ended.

Supernatural "I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here" review

After months of waiting, Hellatus (definition: a term used by the SPN fandom to refer to the hiatus) is finally over, and there's a new episode of Supernatural to talk about! Yes, I realize the premiere was a week ago now. Yes, I know that means this review is going up really, really late (beating the new episode by just a few hours). But my desire to write died a horrible, bloody death early last week (literally - I was working on a creepy story and I think I killed my muse along with my characters), and I only just got around to heading out to the crossroads to resurrect it...

So, here we go, on what will hopefully be the first of many positive reviews this season.

Supernatural Season 9, Episode 1 - I Think I'm Gonna Like It Here (season premiere)

Before I get into the minutia, I'd like to start by saying that for any season premiere of a show I really love, my expectations are generally extremely high. The anticipation has been building for months, I've seen every promo and preview clip, every interview, I've read all the spoilers I could get my hands on, and I've basically built my expectations to a point where it's practically impossible for the episode to actually meet them (I think that only happened once out of all the shows I've ever watched, with the premiere of Fringe's fifth season...) So I wasn't actually surprised when the episode wasn't everything I'd dreamed it would be, and was able to still really, really enjoy it for what it was.

Okay, time for the details.

First, "The Road So Far." What a great job encapsulating the entirety of season eight in one minute and forty seconds. Sometimes I feel like these lean too heavily towards just showing the best fights and such (which is still cool), but this one was really nicely done. It fit really well with the song that was used as well, and after having seen the episode a few times, I feel like the song worked nicely with the episode as a whole.

And then we're inside Sam's head (although we don't know that for sure at the start). This time through I had an interesting thought - Sam knows that the news is reporting meteor showers to explain the angels falling, which means at some level he is aware of the things he's hearing out in the real world. Which means that later on, at some level, he could very well have heard Dean and Ezekiel talking. I know Ezekiel wiped all the memories from the hospital at the end there, but what if Sam remembers? I don't actually think he will, but it hadn't occurred to me until now that if he does, he's not just going to be wondering why he was in the hospital, he's going to know what Dean and Ezekiel did. I hope I'm right and he doesn't remember, but it's still an interesting thought.

I'd also like to mention the way the camera keeps shifting slightly during the scenes in Sam's head, so that the angles feel off the whole time - it helps to sell the idea that this is a fluid environment, created solely by Sam himself. The way the later scenes are tinted also helps with this, as the world is lit by something that's not quite sunlight. It's a nice use of cinematography to allow us to visit yet another dimension, and it's also interesting to me that Sam's head now looks very different from Sam's head at the end of season six (more on that later).

Then the new title card literally made my jaw drop. I haven't really particularly liked any of the previous ones, although I did appreciate it when the title cards started to relate to the overarching theme of the season. And this year, the theme is fallen angels, and the title card is absolutely beautiful. Kudos to the VFX team.

And now we start with item one on the list of things in this episode that broke my heart. When Dean is told that Sam's life is in God's hands, he can't be satisfied with that. The brothers have always fought for each other, and Dean doesn't have faith in God. But he does have faith, and I found it really interesting that he actually goes to the hospital chapel to pray. Maybe he'd been calling out to Cas for hours and his last hope was that if he did it right, on his knees in a church, Cas would hear him and come. Whatever the reason, he wouldn't set foot in a chapel and kneel and pray unless that was the absolute last resort. He's run out of options, and the only thing he can do is cry out for help to a heaven that he doesn't believe in.

There's also a lot I could say about Dean's prayer to Cas. Every other time Cas has gone ahead on his own, ignoring Dean, and wound up screwing things up, Dean has had some pretty harsh things to say. Just look at the last time Cas came back after messing up - Dean wouldn't even talk to him, and basically told Cas that he couldn't be trusted. But this time, Dean doesn't necessarily assume the worst - "...whatever you did, or didn't, do..." - and he wants Cas there with him. He even goes so far as to say he needs him, which we all know is something he rarely admits about anyone. And maybe part of what he wants is for Cas to help heal Sam, but my personal opinion is that he's on the brink of losing his brother, and Cas is the only other family he has, so he needs to know that his angel is safe.

Random side note: Dean tells the angels that he's in Randolph, NY, and I'm assuming that's the closest hospital to the church they used. They captured Crowley at Bobby's old place, which is in Sioux Falls, SD, about 15 hours away. Could they seriously not find any holy ground closer than that? (I'm going to chalk that one up to a small slip in the writers' room and leave it at that, but it did make me go, "Huh?")

Moving on, we come to item number two on the aforementioned list - the fact that Dean is desperate enough to make a deal with the angels. He's done this before, made a terrible deal to save Sam's life, so it's not surprising, but it shows fully how desperate he is. He hates the angels, hates what they've done and how they've tried to use him, so to promise to owe one of them a favor - that's huge.

And right after that we hit item number three - in Sam's head, the part of Sam that wants to fight for him to live appears as Dean. It makes sense - Dean has always fought for Sam even when Sam wanted to give up. But after Sam admitting that his greatest fear is letting Dean down, to see Sam's subconscious casting Dean in the role of the person who fights for him, means that Sam really did take to heart Dean's words in the church. Somewhere inside, Sam knows that Dean will never give up on him, not ever, not even when he's dying.

Then we finally see Cas for the first time, and find out exactly where he fell to earth - turns out he's a very long ways from Sam and Dean. I'd forgotten that he would still be able to hear angel radio, and the chaotic voices that he's hearing serve to give us our first glimpse of how badly the angels are taking being cast down to earth.

I also appreciated the fact that Cas' first interaction with humanity as a human himself painted humanity in a positive light. I'm sure the old guy in the truck thought Cas was nutty, but I really loved that he took care of him anyway, giving him a ride and then some money. There's been a gifset of that circulating on tumblr, and somewhere along the line someone added the verse about showing hospitality to strangers, for some have entertained angels without knowing it, which I thought went well with it.

It actually stands as an interesting contrast to Cas' first interaction with the angels, where Hael tricks him, then tries to use him for her own ends, and eventually reveals to him exactly how much the angels hate him for playing a part in their fall. And from Dean's end, we know that the angels are actively hunting Cas down, wanting to make him pay. It's going to be an interesting year for him, I think, both in terms of adjusting to being human and figuring out how to survive in a world where he's powerless and being hunted.

Heart-breaking moment number four: "I would fly, but I don't have wings. Not anymore."

Back inside Sam's head, I was a little puzzled at first why Bobby would be appearing as the part of Sam that thought letting go was a good thing, but after thinking about it for a while, I came up with something that seems to make sense. Bobby himself tried to hold on after it was his time to go, and wound up turning into the very thing he'd hunted for years, so he knows a little something about the consequences of not letting go. So it sort of makes sense that Sam's subconscious would choose him to represent letting go when it's your time to die.

Moving on, we come back to Dean, who's even more desperate, and seems to be thinking about dealing with Crowley for Sam's life, at least until he's interrupted by an angry angel who plans to use him to get to Cas. The angels should really understand that threatening Dean to get him to give up Cas is really not going to work. Dean would happily die for his family, and Cas is a part of that. So it's a good thing Ezekiel shows up then. Having his first act be to save Dean helps to cement his good guy status, and having Cas vouch for him later on is also good. I hope Ezekiel really does turn out to be one of the few good angels, but we shall see, I guess.

I'm not going to say much about Hael in this review. She pretty much just served to let us see that Cas is once again wanting to clean up the mess he made, and then to show that he can't possibly succeed in that because the angels want his head. She wasn't particularly well acted, and came across as a very flat character (in fact, every time I rewatch the episode I like her performance even less), so I'm glad that she won't be making a reappearance.

Switching back to Sam, I'd like to talk about how far he has come. I mentioned earlier that the world he creates inside his head this time is so much different from the one in season six. That one was dark and gritty, with the colors bleached out somewhat - not the subconscious of someone who is at peace with who they are. This time, it finally is. And rather than fighting tooth and nail to escape and live, Sam is finally content with what he's done with his life. And he (as Bobby) tells himself (as Sam) that - "You've saved the world, son. How many people can say that? How many people can say that they have left this godforsaken hunk of dirt that much a better place? What you call dyin', I call leavin' a legacy." Sam even pictures Death as being honored to reap him, because he deserves that respect.

Sam really is ready to let go this time, and even though part of him wants to keep fighting, and believes there's something worth fighting for, he finally realizes that he's really already achieved what he was meant to. He fought all his life to do the right thing, to save the world, to atone for the wrong he had done, and he got there. And he's finally able to die in peace, so long as he knows that it will be final, that Dean can't get hurt again trying to save him. Sam has come a long way, and part of me wishes he could have finally had that peace, rather than letting Dean basically guilt him into coming back. (I realize that for the purposes of the show, Sam had to live, but that doesn't change what I wish would have happened here.)

Okay, this is getting really, really long. I'm going to skip more sections from here on out, and just hit the points that I really think are worthwhile.

First, Dean actually puts Cas' safety ahead of his own needs. Over the seasons, Dean has consistently asked Cas to put himself in danger to help Dean, but now he puts a premium on Cas' safety. Maybe it's because Cas is human now, and is more fragile, but he hasn't hesitated before to ask Cas to die for him, so it's an interesting development. We'll see what happens from there, I guess.

Also, we have Cas' insistence that even though he's lost his grace, he's still one of the angels, and will never stop being one of them. He's trying desperately to cling to what he has already lost, and that makes the scene in the laundromat that much more heartbreaking. Because there, he finally has to accept his new humanity, and leave behind his old identity. He has to eat and drink now, and has to choose between his trenchcoat (which has always served as a symbol of his angelic identity) or the water he needs to survive, the water that he refused to accept at the beginning of the episode because angels don't have to drink. He's lost his identity, and needs to figure out now who he is apart from being an angel. It should be an interesting journey.

And then we come to the part of the episode that set off all my "this is wrong" alarms. Whether Dean was actually in Sam's head tricking him into saying yes to Ezekiel, or he just let Ezekiel masquerade as him in order to get Sam to say yes, it was a huge breach of trust. It was wrong, through and through - it doesn't matter that Dean was doing it to save Sam - Sam didn't want to be saved, and it was Dean who wasn't willing to let him go peacefully. There's going to be huge amounts of fallout from this when it comes out eventually, and in my opinion, Dean was in the wrong here, and very much so. The trust between the brothers has been smashed and repaired so many times now, and this was one of the very worst actions Dean could possibly have taken. As Dean himself said so long ago, "What's dead should stay dead," and he should have let Sam go.

Okay, rant over. And I think the review probably is as well, since that's about all I have to say.

New episode tonight - I can't wait! And maybe I'll review that one a little sooner :)

(title card from supernaturalwiki.com, screencaps from screencapped.net)

My Summer: The Highlight Reel

Welcome to Enid, Oklahoma, where temperatures finally dropped below 90° this past week... I'm taking this opportunity to declare summer to be officially over. (You hear that, weather patterns? That means no more breaking 100° randomly now that it's September, you hear me?)

And what a summer it was - I was able to settle into life in OK, make some awesome new friends, dip my toes in both the Atlantic and the Pacific, spend time with both sides of the family, see almost all of my really awesome college friends, get a dog, and travel approximately 12,000 miles (not all driven, thankfully)

Here's the high points...

I started off by making a quick trip to PA in May for my awesome brother's senior play - a non-musical version of Les Mis in which he played Javert (and did an amazing job, I might add) Got to see grandparents on that trip as well, plus hit up BFCaT twice, and ride with Becca for a bit - it was a crazy busy few days, but also loads of fun.

Here we have the ill-tempered Javert
himself, posing for a rare photo op...

There is no way to go on.....
(okay, so it wasn't the musical, but it still fits) 

Then my parents and sister crashed at our place for a few days in June and took in the sights (it's Enid, so that took less than one day...), followed by a girls-only camping trip (Mum, Becca, and me) in Missouri, at the beautiful Lake of the Ozarks State Park. That week, we climbed on old trains, checked out a tiny-but-awesome secondhand book store, hid in the van during a crazy thunderstorm, explored a cave (complete with bats), and, at Becca's urging, went on a trail ride (I swear, she has a sixth sense specifically devoted to finding signs for a trail ride...) Again, crazy busy but fun!

Trains, or technically, cabooses
(or should that be cabeese? caboosi?)

Trail riding

July brought the next big adventure - the arrival of the puppy (which you can read about in detail here if you haven't already), and then we were off to Maine for Sam and Leyenda's wedding. Even with wedding prep, this was a great week, and it was good to be able to hang with family and friends both before and after the wedding. We even made it to the beach twice, and the wedding itself was beautiful.

Trogdor the Burninator!!!

August actually felt slightly more relaxed, with only a wedding, an anniversary weekend, and a trip to California. One thing I've learned during two years of being married to Trevor - he likes to do stuff - doesn't much matter what, as long as he's not sitting around, so our second anniversary was jam-packed with awesome things. We took a tour of a cave (100 ft tall and only about 15-20 ft wide), played mini golf, went to a waterpark and an amusement park, and saw a show - all in two days. Minorly nuts (in my opinion), but definitely majorly fun.

I think I'll save the trip to California for its own post, since it might make this one a little too long, but before I finish up I also want to make sure to include hanging with new friends in Oklahoma as a highlight of my summer. It's been great to get to know people more, and even though we'll be here longer than most of the friends we're making, I'm still glad for the friendships that we're growing here.

Trevor and I with some of our Oklahoma friends

All in all, it's been a crazy and awesome summer, and I can't wait to see what the fall holds (and I also can't wait for all my TV shows to finally start up again, but that's a whole other story...)

The dog we were never planning to have...(or, proof God has a sense of humor)

First, a little background. Here's what you should know: Trevor and I are not small dog people. Whenever the conversation turned to getting a dog at some point in the fairly distant future, we always talked about large breeds, and we've definitely mocked small dogs a lot.

Also, two weeks ago, I was joking around and asked the cat what he'd think if we got a dog. Then I proceeded to reassure him that it wasn't going to happen anytime soon.

So there you have the backstory to this joke: we thought we weren't getting a dog for a while, and we were definitely not choosing a small dog, ever.

And God smiled and said, "We'll see about that..."

The very next morning after I finished telling the cat he was safe in his status as the one and only pet in our household, Trevor woke me in the morning saying, "I found a puppy." The pup had been wandering in the road on base, and Trevor brought him home to stay in the garage til we could find the owner.

One week and a lot of phone calls and emails and FB posts and searching later, we still hadn't found the owner, so then came the question: do we keep him?

And how could we possibly say no to a face like this?

After getting a clean bill of health from the vet (aside from some worms), it came time to name the little guy, and after going around and around (Trevor and I have very different culture bases so we couldn't seem to agree on anything...), we put the question out the the world of FB friends. And surprisingly, it worked!

Someone suggested Radar as a name, and it was an instant hit. According to Trevor, he likes it "because we found him on an Air Force base, because it's a cool name, because historically I've known dogs named Radar, and the ears - they look like a radar receiver." And me, I'm a huge MASH fan, so I loved it from the get-go.

And in case you're wondering what the cat thinks of all this, here's a picture that sums up his reaction pretty well...

A friend on FB captioned it this way, and I think this was pretty good: "Hi! Can we be friends?" "Excuse me? Who brought this monstrosity into my domain?" Hobbes will live though, and he's starting to get a little more accustomed to having the dog around.

And we're adjusting too - learning to keep everything chewable off the floor and finding ways to get the pup to burn off energy and generally figuring out how to live with a puppy. He's really cute, though, and really friendly, so I think he's going to be a good dog (he's slurping my toes as I write this...)

So even though he definitely wasn't part of our plans, it seems like he's part of God's plan for us, and we're rolling with it.

100 things to be thankful for

Today marks the hundredth day that I have been listing the random things that have made me smile each and every day. To celebrate that, I decided to do something a little bit different - listing one hundred things that I am thankful for. The list is in no particular order, so don't go thinking item #47 is any more or less important than item #1. And it is also very random, so there's some serious stuff, and some very trivial stuff, but all the items have one thing in common - I'm genuinely thankful for them.

1. the fact that as you get older, your parents become your friends
2. having a husband who likes to cook
3. a cute, cuddly, talkative cat
4. living in America, where good burgers are easy to find
5. good TV shows that draw you in
6. the Internet
7. finally having a piano
8. sunny, windy days
9. awesome lightning during thunderstorms
10. air conditioning
11. sweet potato fries
12. a church with both good preaching and good community
13. being able to afford plane flights
14. exploring new places with family
15. randomly finding a tiny secondhand bookstore in Missouri
16. the variety of God's creation
17. good books
18. fun strategy games
19. being married to an awesome husband
20. the pool on base
21. a computer that works well
22. a nice house in a nice neighborhood
23. beautiful sunsets
24. friends with great senses of humor
25. movies that make you think
26. the little things Trevor does just to make me happy
27. Nalgenes
28. crock-pots
29. having a garage
30. symphony music
31. the great movie music composers
32. razors
33. being able to pay off student loans quickly and without worrying
34. chocolate
35. ceiling fans in every room
36. the story of God's faithfulness that's told by the underlining in my Bible
37. headphones
38. Facebook
39. YouTube
40. comfortable couches
41. Reef Seaside flip-flops
42. owning a washer and dryer
43. cool looking and moderately challenging puzzles
44. the fact that my exhaust system hasn't fallen off my car yet
45. never having had a bad car accident
46. a sister who's also my best friend
47. crazy, weird, funny, awesome little brothers
48. singing psalms
49. the music at Christ Pres, both hymns and praise songs
50. time spent with awesome Christian friends
51. upcoming weddings
52. t-shirts with cool designs
53. cute little kids
54. country music
55. having a blender so I can make smoothies and milkshakes
56. lactose-free ice cream
57. having a husband who does the dishes and cleans the bathroom
58. the reflective sun-shield thingy that goes in your car
59. Netflix
60. lazy Sunday afternoons
61. well-written, interesting fanfiction
62. the ability to multitask
63. having some moderate amount of musical ability
64. finally being on a fairly even keel emotionally and mentally
65. chances to hang out with church family
66. praising God with other Christians
67. living in a society where running water and flush toilets are the norm
68. coming from a Christian family
69. all my friends who are practically family to me
70. Karen-hugs (which I miss a lot)
71. friendships that haven't disappeared with distance
72. pens that write smoothly and without smearing
73. memories of good times spent being crazy with my family and friends
74. electricity
75. gravity
76. talented people who share that talent with the world (music, art, etc)
77. God's plan for salvation
78. the fact that I don't have to be good enough to get into heaven
79. how patient God is with us
80. how patient Trevor is with me
81. having a husband who won't let me skip out on exercising
82. blogs
83. classic sci-fi books
84. ginger beer
85. grilled meat and veggies
86. how easy it is to make a cat happy
87. epic fantasy stories
88. amazing art
89. time to spend just relaxing with the husband
90. healthy competition when playing games
91. cool shapes and colors in clouds
92. rain that comes when I'm not driving
93. modern medicine
94. the chance to go to college and grad school
95. living on base here
96. restaurants that let you substitute coleslaw or fried okra for fries
97. toothpicks
98. Hershey's almond kisses
99. time to just chill

And last, but certainly not least...

100. a good marriage

Wow, that was way harder than it probably should have been (especially some of those last twenty items or so - I started to run low on ideas right about then...) It's kind of cool, though, to look at the huge variety in the things that came to mind, and to realize that when I take the time to think about it, I have been blessed with amazing things in every part of my life. God is very good, and I am very grateful.

Wait - we have what here?

So having family visiting from out of town is great for seeing the sights around where you live... I had no idea Enid had a railway museum, but it turns out it's pretty awesome.

Not only do they have lots of random things off trains from all over, and other railway-related items like signs and maps and equipment, but they've also got a mini rail yard outside with a bunch of different train cars you can look around in.

 

There are cabooses (several), a dining car, some other random cars, railroad maintenance vehicles, and even a giant engine, all of which are open for you to explore.

It was a fun way to spend a couple hours, and without guests coming in, we might never have made it over there. 'Cause sometimes we can be pretty boring, and very unmotivated by the time the weekend rolls around :) Anyways, that was our excitement for the weekend.

Hero swords and the power of a righteous man

I have been rather fascinated of late with the idea of swords that possess special qualities, whether they be magical or holy. It's interesting that these types of swords feature prominently in almost every one of my favorite fantasy tales, whether it be Caliburn/Excalibur, Sting, Narsil/Anduril, Esperacchius, Fidelacchius, and Amoracchius, the Sword of Truth, or Callandor.

I think that one reason this particular concept has stuck in my head is because in many ways, these swords all represent an interesting facet of all heroic tales - the importance of a good man to wield the sword and save the world. For instance, Caliburn can only be drawn from the rock by Arthur, the divinely appointed king (never mind which god or gods chose him - the point is that he was chosen). Or look at the three swords of the Knights of the Cross - if they are ever wielded except by the ones that God has chosen, or used in the wrong manner, they can lose their power altogether, but if wielded by a righteous man (or woman) in accordance with God's will, they possess immense power.

Callandor approaches this from a slightly different angle, as it can be wielded by good or evil, and is instead a tool to teach the limits of power, and the importance of not becoming consumed by it. And then you have the Sword of Truth, which can only be used against someone that you truly believe to be the enemy, and which is only fully under the Seeker's control after he has learned to release his anger, using it out of love for his enemies, rather than rage.

The sword itself is not the point, or the focus - it is the use to which it is put, and the manner in which the man who wields it approaches the battle.

So where am I going with this? To be honest, I was mostly just thinking about how cool an idea that is, but now that I've put on my critical thinking/writing hat, it turns out I've got a bit more to say than that (funny how that works...)

Sure, in our day-to-day lives, we aren't usually facing down foes with a magical sword, but that doesn't mean the main point doesn't still apply. We still face our own enemies, and often the enemy may be our own sinful nature, but God doesn't send us out there unarmed. We're given our armor, and our sword - truth, righteousness, faith, and salvation as protection, and the word of God and prayer as our weapons. But we cannot don this armor or use these weapons without first surrendering ourselves to God's will and having him cleanse our hearts.

Our weapons are useless, powerless, unless he is first, unless we use them for him and in line with his purposes. And of course we cannot accomplish even this on our own - we need him to save us - but with his help we can fight the battles of everyday life. And our sword may not shine with holy light, but when we wield it through the power of his righteousness given to us, we can withstand all evil, just like a hero in one of those stories.

Worth the effort

Hmm... It's been a while since I posted anything here. That would mostly be because I've had absolutely nothing worth saying (which is still probably true) And the few things worth saying have been way too private to share with the world. Anyway.

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately about, well, for lack of a better phrase, relationship maintenance. It's been over a month since I moved down to Oklahoma, and I'm just now starting to feel like I maybe remember again how this whole marriage thing works when you're both in the same place. I guess it's not that odd that it was easier in some ways to adjust to being apart. After all, in the grand scheme of things, Trevor and I have been apart for more of our relationship than we've been together if you start counting from when we started dating.

That's not to say that this isn't so much better - it is. No doubt about it. Being together again is great. It's just taken a little more effort than you might think to get back into the swing of things. But I guess that's part of building and growing and maintaining a relationship - recognizing that you've got something that's worth that extra effort. And what we have - it's totally worth it.

My husband is an awesome cook

I feel the need to proclaim to the world what a wonderful cook my husband is...

Seriously, he's pretty amazing. And the best part is, he likes cooking. He even volunteers to cook every weekend, and the grill he bought yesterday came into use today, because he just couldn't wait to try it out.

So this evening we had grilled chicken, grilled veggies, baked beans, and macaroni salad - all home-cooked by the husband. It was delicious.

And now that you're all jealous, I think I'll also mention that he's got plans for making an apple pie or two this weekend as well...

I didn't marry him for his cooking, but I'm not complaining :) I'm a happy (and well-fed) wife right now.

And I'm grateful to God for an amazing husband (cooking skills being only one of the many things I love about Trevor) Couldn't ask for more.

From the visual to the written word

As you've probably figured out by now, I like Supernatural, a lot. And this season's finale packed a large emotional wallop, so it's not surprising that it has inspired fans to create both fanfiction and fanart in response. So why am I bothering to talk about this? Well, this piece of fanart came across my twitter over the weekend, and for some reason the image became stuck firmly in my head.

Artwork by petite-madame

After a couple of rather late nights, which tend to spur on the writer's side of my brain, I sat down and wrote the following, with this image in my mind all the while. The end result wasn't what I intended to write originally, and it certainly veers from canon, but I liked it. So here you go - a bit of fanfiction inspired by the art above.

Here, at the End of the World

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends

———————————————————————————

"The angels - they're falling…"

He isn't sure how long they sit there in the darkness, watching the heavens rip apart, the only noise the sound of Sam's labored breathing and the impacts of a thousand angels falling to the earth. Eventually, in one final streak of light blazing across the sky and down to the ground, the last angel falls and the sky goes dark.

And in that moment, Sam gives a shuddering sigh, and his body goes limp in Dean’s arms.

Dean's attention is instantly focused on his brother, his hands flying frantically to Sammy's shoulders, as he quickly notes how shallow his breathing is, with each breath slower and smaller than the one before. He's losing Sam, and that wasn't supposed to happen, not since they gave up the trials, and not on his watch, ever. With shaking hands, he tries to rouse his brother, pleads with him to live, because he can't face losing Sam, not now, not ever…

"Don't you dare die on me… Sammy, don't do this to me… please, not again. I can't lose you, you know that, so breathe, Sammy, just breathe, please…"

There are tears streaming unheeded down his cheeks now, as he lifts his face to the sky and calls out to his angel.

"Cas, he's dying… Where the hell are you?"

But there is no reply, only darkness and silence.

Dean knows then that there will be no answer, no miracle from heaven, so he does the only thing he can do - pulls his brother close against his chest, holds him as he used to when Sammy was little and scared of the dark. He doesn't even know if Sam can hear him, but as he feels his brother slipping away, as Sam draws one last breath, Dean chokes out his final goodbye.

"It’s gonna be okay, little brother… Just rest now… You did good."

———————————————————————————

This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.
- The Hollow Men - T.S. Eliot

Supernatural "Sacrifice" review

So this review is going up a little later than normal, but there's a good reason for that - I flew back to PA on the day after the episode aired, and only got back to Oklahoma this evening. I was still able to watch the episode twice the night it aired, and then actually wrote this review during my third, fourth, and fifth times through (gotta do something while you're sitting in airports and on planes) I just couldn't stop rewatching, and every time I did, I noticed something else I wanted to talk about... So, just a warning - this is a long one... Enjoy.

Supernatural Season 8, Episode 23 - Sacrifice (season finale)

I think with this episode, it's appropriate to start with the ending, because it was the ending that totally blew my mind. My jaw literally dropped and I just stared at my computer screen in awe. I'm pretty sure it was one of the most incredible scenes in any Supernatural episode, ever. From the shots of the angels falling while their wings burned off, to the ones of Sam and Dean staring at the sky in horror, to Cas in that field with the streaks of light burning across the sky behind him, the entire thing was visually stunning. And when you combined that with the fact that this was a total game-changer for really the entire world, I was blown away.

It was something you might expect to see in fanfiction, not canon, but that just made it that much more of an unexpected twist. Castiel's grace being torn out - did NOT see that coming! And every single angel being cast out of heaven - nope, didn't see that coming either, not at all. And both of those things change everything.

Let's start with the angels. From what was said in the episode, it seems that they'll still have their power; they'll just be trapped on earth. And given what we know about angels, a lot of them are not very good guys (this may be the understatement of the year) Add to that the dissension in heaven for the last however many millennia, and having every angel suddenly restricted to the earthly realm seems like a really, really scary thing. Imagine thousands of angels suddenly duking it out in our world... If two archangels could destroy half the world when they fought, how much damage could happen now? The war in heaven just spilled out down to earth, and that doesn't sound good for humanity.

And the one angel that could pretty much be counted on to stand up for humanity is now suddenly powerless. I realize that this is the writers' way of dealing with the issue of having Cas with the Winchesters but not being able to solve all of their problems with a snap of his fingers. And I have to admit that I like the possibilities this opens up, at least as a short-term storyline. One thing that has gotten Cas into trouble over and over was attempting to fix things on his own, and now he can't. We've seen him struggle to interact with the human world briefly before, and now that he doesn't have another option, he's going to need the Winchesters more than ever. Which will completely change the dynamics of that relationship, and I love it when SPN explores relationships.

Okay, time to start going through the episode. There was so much to love this week - from tension to brotherly moments to just plain awesome special effects. The episode started out perfectly - Sheriff Mills having dinner with a blind date - Crowley! I was sitting there going, "Oh no, oh no, oh no..." And you just know that Sam and Dean can't lose anyone more, especially someone like Jodie Mills, who was not only someone they saved, but has also worked alongside them. So my skin was crawling as Crowley played her, and my heart was pounding as he started working his hex. The suspense was definitely there.

And when Crowley forced Sam and Dean to not only agree to his demands, but also to basically grovel, I hated him even more. I liked Dean's attitude though, refusing to simply give everything over to Crowley without getting anything in return. And also, his reasoning was awesome... "On the grounds that you're a douchebag and no douchebag should have that much power." Could not contain a snort of laughter at that. It didn't make terribly much sense for Crowley to agree to his demand, but I can think of a couple reasons why he might be okay with exchanging tablets - best guess is that he's more worried about the Winchesters completing the trials than he's letting on, and the angel tablet is of less use to him in the short-term. I have to admit to being a little confused that Dean had gone so quickly from refusing to give up to giving in almost completely, but I figured there had to be a plan in there somewhere (yes, spoiler-free meant I had no idea they wound up with Crowley held captive)

Having the exchange go down in Bobby's old salvage yard was a wonderful callback to the days when that was homebase, when Sam and Dean were working side by side with the old hunter, and with Castiel, and even with Crowley. And I got all choked up for a moment thinking of how much the Winchesters have lost since then. Show didn't let me stay emotional for too long though, because we jumped right in to Dean and Crowley verbally fencing. I always get a kick out of the absurdly long contract scroll too, and having Dean work his way through it reading under his breath while getting closer and closer to Crowley was pure brilliance. And those demonic handcuffs came in pretty handy - why didn't they use those on Abaddon?... Oh, right, she didn't have her hands attached.

I also have to admit to loving Dean finally getting to slug Crowley - the scumbag's had it coming for the longest time, and I was cheering Dean on. And also another wonderful line (and delivery) - "Your demon ass is going to be a mortal ass, pretty damn quick." Crowley's face when he realizes he walked right into their trap and is well and truly screwed - priceless.

After rewatching twice, I'm still not sure whether Sam and Dean's disagreement was staged for Crowley's sake, or was real. But I think the underlying anger and tension were real either way, and were a sign that things between them aren't as alright as they've seemed to be for the past couple episodes. Jensen actually talked about this at JIBcon, and basically said that Dean has temporarily set aside his anger over Sam not looking for him in order to focus on what's more important to him at this moment - getting Sam through the trials alive.

And now we come to the angel storyline. Can I just say - totally called Metratron having ulterior motives! I never thought he would reach so far as to empty heaven though - that totally threw me. His idea of revenge was pretty nasty, though he probably saw it as justice for chasing him from heaven so long ago. He's been living a self-imposed exile on earth, all alone with thousands of years to plot against heaven and let his hatred grow.

I wondered a bit about why he hadn't tried to do this sooner, but maybe he was worried that a unified heaven would hunt him down and stop him before he could succeed? If so, then the news he heard from the Winchesters about the division in heaven, the death of the archangels, and the existence of Castiel (who was prime material for manipulation) would have been a sign to him that now was the time to strike. Random thought: the Winchesters are really the pivot point around which the fate of earth, hell, and heaven turns, whether they intend to be or not. Should I just chalk that up to coincidence or is it destiny? Or maybe it's the consequences of free will - when you refuse to just give in to destiny, you do change the balance of things in the universe, for good or ill. That's actually a very interesting thought - I'll have to ponder that one some more over the summer...

There had also been a lot of discussion about how the so-called angel trials seemed to be off in some way, and that made sense immediately once we discovered those weren't the actual trials, but rather the ingredients for a bloody spell. Heart of a Nephilim, bow of a cupid, grace of an angel - sounds like the witches from Macbeth. And once again it's Castiel's actions that have harmed his home - his desire to do the right thing has repeatedly blinded him to consequences of his choices. Maybe it's a good thing that he's human now - he can do less damage without his angelic power. And maybe it's not good, because humankind needs an angelic protector now more than ever, even one who screws up while trying to save the world, because at least Castiel was trying to save it, which is more than can be said for any other angel out there.

On to another topic, I really feel bad for Kevin. Sure, he's no worse off than the Winchesters, but he had a normal life for a lot longer than they did. He wasn't raised in this world that's chock full of terrible things, and while he's adjusting remarkably well, it's gotta be incredibly hard. It shows, too, both in little things (his resigned "I don't have any friends" and the fact that he's started drinking), and in larger (his insistence that he's out, he's done, even when there are still tablets out there and battles in which he is an important player) But even though I felt bad for him, because there really is no "out" for him, it was good to see Castiel shake him up and get him back on track. The angel is right - he's a prophet, and that means that he's stuck in the middle of things, whether he likes it or not.

Shifting tracks, there weren't many humorous moments in this episode, but Castiel trying to play matchmaker was rather hysterical. He has no tact, none whatsoever... And the eventual outcome of the little side bit with the cupid was also entertaining, especially the look on Dean's face at the end... Jensen's ability to convey paragraphs' worth of meaning through his facial expressions never fails to amaze me. Also, Cas asking Dean, "You really think it's wise to be drinking on the job?" - I'm with Dean there - "What show you been watching?"

I apologize for this review jumping all over the place. There's so much in this episode that I want to mention, and the way that I write these (while rewatching the episode) tends to encourage disorganization, although it does work well to show the flow of my thoughts and reactions. With that said, we're going to jump again...

There's a lot to be said about the brothers' relationship in this episode. We get a good look at the tension that's still lingering between them (and that has really been festering and growing for five seasons now), especially as Dean straight up lists the things Sam has done that Dean feels are worthy of confession. "Ruby, killing Lilith, letting Lucifer out, losing your soul, not looking for me when I went to Purgatory..." It's obvious that Dean has been really hurt by these things, and that even when he's being Sam's loving big brother, these betrayals (at least in Dean's eyes) are never far from his mind. And it's also very clear that each of these things is something Sam regrets deeply, and the way he pulls away from Dean in response makes his hurt obvious also.

And that surfaces fully at the end of the episode, with both Sam and Dean showing rare emotional openness. Sam's confession that he believes his worst sin is letting Dean down over and over was heartbreaking. I can understand it, because Dean really has ripped into him over things. And while Dean is quick to bury things, I think Sam can see how much their relationship has changed, and knows that some large part of that is on him. Like Cas, Sam's always been trying to do the right thing but screwing it up, and he's seen that Dean has seemingly reached a limit of forgiveness with Castiel (at least based on their interactions last episode), so he probably can't help but wonder when Dean will reach his limit with him as well.

But Dean, in a rare moment of actually voicing his feelings, sets Sam straight. He's always going to choose Sam over anything or anyone else; no matter what Sam does, no matter how sideways things go, Sam could never do something that would make Dean stop loving him. Dean may suck at letting Sam know that most of the time, but all those little things he does for Sam - those are his way of showing how much he cares, and will always care. He might say the wrong thing a lot, and hold onto his anger more than he should, but this time around he says exactly the right thing to get through to Sam, puts aside his hurt long enough to show Sam the emotions that run underneath everything he does, and that drive who he is. For both of them, this is a conversation that has needed to happen for years, and maybe this will allow them to finally start to rebuild what they once had, rather than barely holding it together.

This episode also did a good job with the interactions between Dean and Castiel. One thing that had really irritated me was that Castiel was once again doing something drastic without bringing the Winchesters, and more specifically, Dean, in on what was going on. Cas needed to be rebuilding that trust rather than breaking it more, and though he may have come to Dean only because Metatron was taken, at least they're talking again now. And I do think that it made sense for Dean to go with Cas, because although Sam is Dean's top priority, Cas is also family, and Sam didn't need Dean at that moment, not like Cas did. I really wish Castiel had continued to listen to Dean though, rather than refusing to accept that he could be wrong. And Dean doesn't know that Metatron finished his spell without Cas' help, so he's got to be thinking that Cas didn't listen, again, and messed up royally, again. Which is true in a way, but not how Dean has to be seeing it as the episode ends. He doesn't know that his friend actually did choose rightly in the end, or that Cas is out there alone, powerless, and that's why he's not answering. Lots of material to be explored next season there...

The scenes between Sam and Crowley also deserve a mention, and not just because they were important to the completion of the third trial. It was very cool to watch Crowley changing slowly as the process started to work - Ryan Curtis pointed out on Twitter that even his accent changes slightly as the cure begins to take effect. And Crowley attempting to appeal to Sam by referencing Band of Brothers and some show that I didn't recognize but that sounded very soap-opera-like was highly amusing (especially as Crowley realized what he was doing and was almost as shocked as Sam was at what was coming out of his mouth...) These scenes also made it very clear that completing this trial was taking an enormous toll on Sam, and made it very easy to believe that completing the third trial would kill him.

And then of course you have the question of what the "ultimate sacrifice" really is. Is it being willing to die to close the gates of hell? Or is it being willing to let go of your quest for the sake of something more important - your family? We've seen over and over that both Sam and Dean are willing to give up their lives for others, both in specific situations (Sam jumping into the Cage to stop Lucifer, Dean selling his soul for Sam's life) and in their lives in general (you don't become a hunter without being okay with dying in order to save others) But maybe that isn't everything. Maybe that isn't the most important thing.

Given the choice that the brothers make in this episode, maybe there are times when you have to let go of saving the world in order to save the people closest to you. Sam's response when Dean tells him he'll die if he finishes the trials is typical Winchester - "So?" Dying for the world is nothing new. Living for each other really is. And Dean is right - they can still save the world, or at least make a difference, even without closing the gates of hell. But more importantly, they can both make it, and neither of them will have to live without the other. It's the ultimate sacrifice - giving up the very thing they've been fighting for all these years because there's something that means more in the end than saving the world. I think they made the right choice.

On a less philosophical level, this episode also featured a whole lot of incredible shots and visual effects. From the shot of Kevin putting the demon tablet back together, to some of the shots of the old church, to Sam's arms glowing as the trial neared completion, and the absolutely stunning last few minutes, this episode blew me away visually. It seriously felt more like a movie than a TV show... It was awesome.

And with that, I think I have finally covered everything I wanted to say. This was an amazing episode, and I'm really excited by all the possibilities it opened up for next season. Now I get to attempt to stay sane during the Hellatus without my weekly dose of Supernatural... Maybe I'll write up a few of my favorite episodes over the summer, just for fun... We'll have to see.

(screencaps from homeofthenutty.com and screencapped.net)

A quick shout-out to my wonderful mother...

I feel like there needs to be an obligatory Mother's Day themed post today... Mostly because I was thinking recently about how much I appreciate certain things my mum did for me. Like forcing me to write, for example :) Yeah, that's right, I was one of those kids who hated to write (and I mean really, really hated it) I was okay with science reports, but anything that wasn't strictly cold, hard facts? That was torture. Looking back, I'm pretty sure it was torture for Mum as well... But she kept at it, kept critiquing my writing and encouraging (read: forcing) me to practice it. I did not appreciate it for the longest time, but somewhere along the way, something changed. I don't know when, and I don't know exactly what, but writing started to get not just easier, but more fun. And all of a sudden, I found myself writing for fun. Yeah. Writing. For fun. I don't know if anyone would have believed it back in middle school, and even most of high school, but it's true. It's my outlet, and I don't know that I would ever have got to this point without a pretty awesome mother who didn't just let it slide because I was into science and not writing. So that's one thing I've been grateful for lately.

Another thing I was thankful for recently was all the time she put into homeschooling me in general. Some people were talking about their schooling, and how they weren't really challenged in the school system, and weren't encouraged to work at their best. I really couldn't sympathize, because my mum always encouraged me (and my siblings) to do our best and not just skate by. And she was working with us all the time, so she knew what our best was. I skated through a lot of co-op classes and college classes without ever really trying, because I could do better than a lot of students and get that A without much effort. But at home, Mum knew better. An A was for the best job that she knew I could do, and she didn't let me just coast along at whatever was "normal" for my age. She made sure that I was challenged in the things I was good at, even if that meant her tracking down math workbooks that were designed to push students further, or driving me around so I could participate in engineering-based competitions. I didn't think about it then, but now, I realize at least a little how hard she worked to give me (and the rest of my siblings) the best education out there. And I'm really glad she did.

There're lots of other things I'm grateful to my mum for too, but I'm not gonna list them all here. Suffice it to say that she's done a lot for me, taught me so many things, been a great encouragement, and, as I've grown up, been a good friend. So thanks for everything, Mum, and I love you very much :)

Supernatural "Clip Show" review

Once again it's time for the post of the week that pretty much no one actually reads :) I really love writing these reviews, though, so this is more for my own enjoyment than for anyone else. There's something about putting my thoughts about this show I love into a coherent form that makes me really happy inside. That's been true before of my other favorite shows too, actually, now that I stop to think about it... I totally used to use study hall every Friday in high school to write at least a page on my theories from the latest episode of Lost, and then later on Fringe had me staying up til all hours spitting out fanfiction tags to episodes... Writing something, anything, is how I process. And the more I love the show, the more emotionally invested I am in it, and the more I need to get those thoughts out and organized. Thus, episode reviews!

Okay, I'm done psychoanalyzing myself now. On to the actual review.

Supernatural Season 8, Episode 22 - Clip Show

First things first - from what I've seen on the web, the fandom was rather split in their reaction to the episode. There were those who loved it and were raving about how amazing it was, but there were also people who felt gypped, underwhelmed, and confused. Personal confession time - I fall into that part of the fandom that tries very hard to sit back and enjoy the ride, rather than picking things to pieces or sitting around going "But it could have been better..." So... I liked this episode. Was it as good as the last two were? Maybe not, but then again, the more times I watch it, the better I like it.

That's not to say I didn't like it the first time around. I was totally yelling at my screen at several points in the episode, got rather emotional during those last four minutes, and proceeded to totally lose it as the episode ended. But after I had a few minutes to recover, when it came time to decide whether I was going to rewatch it that night or not, I wasn't sure. I thought to myself, "Self, that felt a little disjointed. I'm not sure if I'll watch it again tonight." So I went and watched Arrow (best episode of their season right there, I think), and then, since it wasn't even 11:30pm yet, I thought, "What the heck; why not?" and gave Supernatural that second shot.

And the second time through all those emotions were still there (I even yelled at my screen again... yeah), and on top of that, it suddenly felt much more coherent to me. Why? Well, I had zero idea what was coming that first time through (no spoilers, not even the episode synopsis, remember?), so there was so much happening that it felt a little like riding The Phantom's Revenge for the first time... One crazy thing after another, one reveal on top of the next, leaving me breathless and actually a little overwhelmed. On the second viewing, I knew what to expect, and could therefore spend more time appreciating the dialogue and the way things came together. And I really liked it, even more so the second time through.

Yes, there was a lot packed into this episode. Yes, you could probably have taken out some of the filler episodes and spread out the main storyline over more of the season, but that makes it harder to attract viewers who want to jump in and out of shows, which is why it really isn't done anymore. And there's something to be said for having such a fast-paced episode like this. I think it really worked well as the setup to the finale - there's nothing like a crazy roller coaster ride of an episode to get your blood pumping before you fly off a cliff next week...

Alright, enough with the generalizations. Let's get down to the details.

The opening scene got me thoroughly confused and interested. They brought the guy from Wendigo back just to blow his head off? What's up with that? I did jump straight to the right conclusion - Crowley, somehow, for some reason, but I have to admit that I really liked that as an opening. It certainly grabbed my attention. Plus, I really like the whole 'death by blood splatter' thing...

Back to the bunker now, and while I love seeing Sam and Dean acting like brothers finally, I hate seeing Dean mad at Cas, even though it is completely justified. I get where he's coming from - Dean is all about loyalty to the people who are basically your family, and Cas has broken that trust over and over again. And coming on top of everything else that went down this year (Sam not even looking for him, Cas leaving him alone in Purgatory...), this latest betrayal is the worst. Dean told Cas he was family, that they needed him, that Dean needed him, and Cas turned around and walked away. The people we care about the most are the ones that can hurt us the most when they betray us, and when Dean admitted to Cas and to himself that the angel was family, he set himself up to get hurt even more when Cas turned his back yet again. Yes, Cas was trying to do the right thing, but so was Sam when he released Lucifer from the cage - good intentions paving the road to hell. And just like when Sam started the apocalypse, Dean can't take that betrayal, can't be around the one who let him down when he would have never let them down.

The end result of Dean pushing away the people who've let him down? Well, it's never good, is it? We saw in The End that it resulted in Sam becoming Lucifer, and now we see Castiel being (in my opinion) led astray by Metatron in Dean's absence. You'd think Cas would have learned by now to not do anything drastic without talking with the Winchesters first, but it's understandable, I guess. We know Cas wants to fix things, to atone for what he's done (much like Sam in season five), but he's all on his own (what with Dean refusing to talk to him), and why wouldn't he trust the angel who wrote the tablet he has been trying so hard to protect? Cas has really always needed someone to follow, whether it be God, Dean, or now Metatron - I think it's part of that whole angelic nature. Sure, Cas has learned the value of free will, but he's screwed things up royally every time he's tried to pursue that, and part of him probably just wants to be told what to do, how to fix the mess he's made.

And as the scribe of God, Metatron has a pretty high position when it comes to telling Cas what needs to be done. I kinda think he's driven by a hidden agenda though, and when it comes to angels, those are never good. I'm not sure exactly what Metatron is planning (maybe staging his own coup in heaven?), but I don't think this is going to end well for anyone, especially Castiel.

Okay, jumping to a totally different subject - the more we learn about the Men of Letters, the more I love them... Their whole classification system ("Class 5 Infernal Event"), the fact that they were out there tracking down and recording supernatural developments for posterity (is anyone else wondering what other interesting things they documented over the centuries?), their bunker - complete with map room, library, hot showers, a shooting range, and now a dungeon! Yeah, these guys were very cool. Random aside - Dean on having a dungeon - "Finally." How long has he been wanting one, and why? Or maybe I don't want to know the answer to that...

It might be just a little bit too handy that the Men of Letters happened to have a film of the priest who possibly holds the key to completing the third trial, but given the size and scope of their work, it's not that hard to believe. And I very much agreed with Dean upon seeing that film - "Well, that was weird. With three exclamation points." (I also loved how Jensen delivered that line, for some reason) I'm still not sure whether this whole ritual is going to turn out to actually be the real deal, but it was definitely an intriguing idea. And the whole "purified blood" thing, while maybe a bit heavy-handed, was still a really cool link-in to what's happening to Sam.

Speaking of, that scene in the church where Sam starts coughing up blood, and then Dean follows with that speech about how he knows Sam will be able to finish these trials? Killed me. He's trying so hard to believe that they'll finish this and then Sam will be okay again, and we've seen that over and over lately, but this had an added element that blew me away. It's rare that we get to see how proud Dean is of his kid brother (since he'd never actually admit that to Sam...), but that pride shone through right along with his concern, and I loved it. And Dean's right, Sam is one tough dude. If anyone can do this, he can - he's got the heart keep going, and he's got Dean to carry him when he can't find it in himself to go on.

Sometimes Dean's ideas suck though. Like piecing Abaddon back together - yeah, let's use a freaking Knight of Hell as our test case, rather than summoning some weak crossroads demon... really smart move there, guys. Although Crowley might have already told off all his demons and warned them to stay away from the Winchesters, so I guess Abaddon was at least guaranteed to show. She's plenty creepy too, though I don't like her nearly as much as I do Crowley. And that hand thing? So awesome, and so freaky. I'm willing to overlook some bad decisions on the part of the Winchesters (hey, they're under a lot of pressure here) when the result is freakiness like that.

On the subject of demons, let's talk about Crowley. The dude is an evil genius. Emphasis on both the evil and genius parts. And his twisted sense of humor never fails to make me grin. "666" calling, him opening the conversation with, "What are you wearing?", "sexting" Sam the address, complete with a little devil smiley - all trademark Crowley, and all awesome. But this episode he was much more than the snarky bad guy who's forever an annoyance to the Winchesters. This week, Crowley reminded us in the most shocking way possible that he is evil through and through. Killing off the people the Winchesters had saved is a terribly low blow, and the complete coldness with which Crowley gives them their ultimatum... well, it sent chills down my spine.

And we go from that to Castiel killing the Nephilim girl at Metatron's urging. Yes, she fights back, and in the end you could argue that Castiel stabs her in self defense, but he was planning to kill her in the first place, even as he apologized to her for what he was about to do. I know, I know, we can't have a fully functional Cas fighting side-by-side with Sam and Dean, and this did fit with his character (doing all the wrong things for all the right reasons...), but it kills me when a character I really like does something really awful.

On a lighter note, I think I'll mention here some random entertaining stuff from throughout the episode: Dean serving Sam junk food and old beer, and Sam's look of disgust. Guess he's gotten used to Dean's amazing cooking skills... Also, Cas shopping for items that might possibly get him back into Dean's good graces. Don't think that's gonna work, dude, although if you'd managed to get the pie it might have... And Metatron wishing he'd picked a better looking vessel - you're not gonna match Cas, man, not unless you'd chosen Dean Winchester, and he was kinda reserved for Michael at the time.

And now we come to the part of the episode that I am going to have a lot of trouble talking about, because it tore me apart emotionally. First we get a sweet exchange between Sarah and Sam, and she's right, he is more focused now, more confident. It's a difference we've seen even between Sam at the beginning of this season and Sam now, and while it's partly the trials, I think it's also the discovery of the Men of Letters, and even the fact that he chose Dean over Amelia. He really has grown up, and stopped trying to run away from who he is.

There's a sad smile in response to that (Sam's sad smile, but that same one was on my face...), and then it all goes to hell. This scene was brilliant - Crowley's monologue over top of everything, the sound from the room practically muted as Sam and Dean frantically tear the place apart, Sarah's desperate gasps the only thing you hear underneath Crowley's voice - everything combined to give a sense both of desperation and overarching evil. I stopped breathing myself at several points, it was that intense.

And then everything stops, and you know it's too late, but Crowley's voice goes on, driving home that despair the brothers are feeling because they couldn't stop him, couldn't save Sarah, won't be able to save all those others. "They're your life's work, and I'm going to rip it apart piece by piece, because I can... because you can't stop me... because when they're all gone, what will you have left?... You want to keep those people alive, I want complete and utter surrender. Your choice, my darlings..." The scene goes deathly silent, and you can see in Sam's eyes that utter despair, and then Dean's rage as he breaks, hurling the phone across the room. And in a brilliant piece of scripting, the phone shatters to reveal the hex bag, found too late to save Sarah. The emotions conveyed without words here are so strong, and you know that Crowley has found the perfect way to break them. So many evil things have tried, and they always thought that family was their weakness, but Crowley figured it out, and he's going to destroy them by destroying everything they've fought for.

Crowley's succeeding, too, because Sam is on the edge of breaking, and after all he's been through, all he's given to get to this point in the trials, he can't see a way out of what Crowley's doing, and he can't sit back and watch people die, so he's giving up. And that's why it could never be just Sam, because he needs Dean to keep him going, to keep him from being consumed by his emotions, just like Dean needs Sam to keep him from throwing his life away. They're stronger together, and Dean's right - they can win this. I don't know how, and this episode certainly ended on a tragic note, but they're the Winchesters, and if they don't give up, don't give in, Crowley doesn't stand a chance.

One last note: I live on a military base, and at 9pm every night, they play Taps over the base-wide PA system. So the last five minutes of this episode tore me apart, and then we end with a shot of Sam's face, his despair so clearly evident, cutting to black. And as the strings played that last note, as they faded out and the episode came to a heart-wrenching end, the first note of Taps sounded, and I lost it. Totally choked up, tears in my eyes, heart hurting for these fictional characters.

I know, it's just a show. But I love it, and I've come to love these characters, so the mark of a good episode is this: one that draws me in so strongly that it becomes more than a show in that moment, and I can't help but be swept away. Did this episode accomplish that? Yes, most definitely. And that makes it very good in my book.

(screencaps from homeofthenutty.com and screencapped.net)