Session 279 - The Road to Robyn

Ah, the sweet balm of the hex-crawl returns once more!
Following ancient maps from before the End Times, our intrepid crew of explorers makes use of the clear summer days to roll up the main road towards Salisburgh.
Between unexpected rivers, crab-human relations, and a whole mess of resurgent mutant life - not to mention the surprise return of Gifflewim and Jeremy's soul - out heroes had a lot on their plates!
Except for food of course, that would have been too much to ask... 

Session 279 - The Road to Robyn

New Backstory:
- Beepbox had an opportunity to save his ailing father’s life when travelling doctors came to town, but he had to turn them down in order to save schoolful of kids. +2 to hit against creatures you witnessed harming innocents this session.

Supplies:
- 2 Frazzlejack (2 exp)

Events:

--- We’re Going To Need a Big Boat
- With Japhet & Hirsch supplying the party’s overland travel needs, the course is set for the party’s expedition out to Sir Robyn’s tower on the shores of the Lone Sea!
- But first, an aside in service of their next big trip. They order a strange vessel constructed - a ship with skeleton legs that they intend to use as an amphibious vehicle to take them all the way to Dwimmermount.

- The work begins, and the gang head out into the wastes!

--- Pedals to the Metal

- As luck would have it, it’s a nice clear day as they set off into the scoured lands! Jeremy Wizard drives the steed - a horrific spider-like horse skeleton - and pulls the wagon which features two big glaring eyes through which Japhet & Hirsch can view their progress.
- Most of the party stay within the relatively comfortable wagon, while Red rides on top with her rifle at the ready. Jeremy sets a rapid pace, the rugged trail and clear day making it an easy ride.

- They soon reach the main road towards Salisburgh and drive onwards, keeping up the pace. As Kink hives into view in the distance they begin to debate whether to blast through or just drive around. Last time they were here they met demons, after all.
- They compromise by skirting round the outskirts of town… only to remember that Kink is built over a river and has the only bridge for miles. Into town it is, then!

--- Crabs and People
- They cautiously rumble through the streets, seeing movement out of the corner of their eyes down alleyways and between houses. Crabs scuttling out of sight… or is it people?
- They approach the bridge and see that it’s got a load of stoneshell crabs on it, along with a bunch of oddly-attired people. They have big fake pincers on their hands and wiggly fake antennae on their heads, devices they seem to use to communicate with the crabs!
- Red knows some crab-language and uses it to try and get over the bridge, but her words are offensive! After a minor altercation, and a promise that they won’t come back, one of the crab-communicator men persuades the crabbos to let the wagon through. Phew!

--- Old Friends
- They roll onwards, making good use of the long summer daylight. They crunch through some crystals (Jeremy being told to “drive! drive!” out of what can only be dragon-sign), roll past the lovely-looking Samuel who they leave in the dust since he’s a literal demon, and finally stop for the night by the side of the road a mile onwards.
- Red finds a small outcrop of frazzlejack - shallot-like bulbs that grow near fallen angel metal - as she sets up camp. Thoughts turn to food - they didn’t bring much beyond some iron rations Jeremy has stashed away. Better than nothing!
- They settle down for the night, but during Beepbox’s watch he hears a yell! In the pale moonlight he sees a familiar face - Gifflewim! He pelts over the crest of a low hill towards the wagon, umbrella held aloft, chased by a whole lot of stoneshell crabs!
- Beepbox fires a beam rifle warning shot and the crabs turn and flee back from whence they came.
- All the noise has woken the rest of the party, who emerge from their beds to greet the weirdo merchant Elf. Jeremy trades back the Snels USB and some astroturf to get his soul back. Red trades her choker - the only thing she’s ever really owned from Sir Robyn - in exchange for some future boon. Gifflewim gives her one of his coins, which he’s circumspect about giving away these days.
- He agrees to stick with the party if they can drop him off at the camp up the road, they’re completely useless survivalists and easily grifted which is right up his alley.

--- Life Party
- Dawn breaks and the day opens to what looks to be an absolute scorcher. Gifflewim’s umbrella handily ensures that the nearby area has a light summer sprinkle of rain instead, so they head up north to this bad survivalist camp.
- They arrive in good time and see for themselves the effect that the Dharga has had on the local area. If anything, there’s now too much life around here. The sunburnt limbs of the great flesh-tree of Dharga stretch out from the diamond dino-dome, dripping and dropping big blobs of fat flesh that roll down to the lush and lurid sea of life below.
- They ask one of the locals what the fuck this is all about and they say they’re surviving here due to the gifts of the Dharga, feasting upon its off-cuts. A cry goes up from the village as they see a great hairy orb drop from the armpit of a tree-limb and roll across the plains towards them, apparently under its own power. It rips through a few tents as it rumbles to a halt in the village and the locals gather round to shave it, eat it and/or milk it.
- The local they were talking to goes to eat some too, and they see that there’s a horrible burbling second face on the back of their head. Clearly the price of easy life is at least a little bit of mutation...
- Gifflewim recommends that the party not go through there up to Salisburgh - it’s not in a good way as they can see. Instead they should probably off-road it towards the marshes and take up the trail again there.
- Poison Phil takes a rifle from the hands of a man who seems to be mutating into a puddle of flesh and gets on the wagon. It’s time to move on!

--- Heatstroke
- They roll on, heading south-west as per Gifflewim’s recommendation. It’s still really fucking hot,  and without the magic umbrella the heat really starts getting to people. Red is especially affected in her heavy armour. After a few hours of this Jeremy stops the cart - there’s got to be something they can do! He tries out a few runes until he makes an air conditioner for inside the wagon. Much better!
- Jeremy takes them further at a very slow rate to avoid crashing - they’re rumbling over rough terrain now. Red jumps out to get a drink of water as Jeremy steers them past a thin stream and gets a horrible shock when she looks into the depths and sees a faceless face staring back! They move swiftly on.

- They continue through an area rippled like dunes and veined with cracks like shattered glass and settle down as the day turns to dusk.

--- Woodsmoke
- Jeremy Wizard smells woodsmoke during his watch that night and, intrigued, follows it. Amidst swirling woodsmoke he sees a house on stilts and approaches it. A young woman’s voice calls out to him, and he sees her waving from the doorway. He turns and flees back through the smoke, but he can’t find his way out! He’s trapped! He -
-
- He opens his eyes and sees the rest of the party standing around him. Some watchman! But why does he smell of woodsmoke?
- He groggily looks around the campsite - all perfectly fine. Raindrops begin to fall from fat grey clouds overhead. The heatwave has been broken by a summer storm!
- Next time… do they brave the rain on the way to Sir Robyn’s tower?

Total: 7000 exp

Expeditions:
- Expedition Begun!: 500 exp
- Change of Plans: 100 exp
Total: 600 exp

Roles:
Remembrancer: Charles (100 exp)
Triage: Timothy (100 exp)
Vanguard: Ollie (100 exp)
Expedition Leader: George (100 exp)
Cartographer: George (100 exp)
Quartermaster: Ollie (100 exp)
Chef: Izzy (100 exp)
Paymaster: Charles (100 exp)

OOC Bonuses:
- Art Attack bonus (Charles - 100 exp)

Exp Totals:

- Tim / Red, Level 8 Duellist Fighter: 149033 (Level MAX)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 127133 (Level MAX)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 97182 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 7 Cleric of the New Eden: 78099 (Level up at 112000)

- George / Poison Phil, Level 2 Fighter: 3121 (Level up at 4000)

Level Up! +1d8 HP! +1 to hit! +backstory!

Session 277 - Earthbound

Lockdown in the UK is (perhaps briefly) over, so it's back to the pub - and the Earth - for us!

Bananas, Elves and Nyan-Eleven. What a wild moon finale!

Session 277 - Earthbound

New Backstory:
- Red has a child back on Earth that she left in the care of others - naturally it’s the dino-kids she formed with Dargo! Next character can be your child, starts with half your exp.
- Scarlet Eclipse crashed an Iounian party when he arrived on the moon. Once per session, somehow gain access to a large social event.

Foes:
- Pearly Blob-People (100 exp)
- Quite a few Red Elves (1000 exp)
Total: 1000 exp

Moon Clearance Bonus:
- Escaped the Moon! (100 000 exp)
Total: 100 000 exp

Events:

--- Invasion!
- A knock on the door of Shrub-Nigeria’s shack… it’s Andromeda! She’s returned! Covered head to toe in a spacesuit to keep the sun’s light off her vampire body, she’s spent the last five months fixing up the Seraphim so everyone can get home.
- A babble of confusing explanations of what’s been happening on the moon adventure are cut off by Andromeda. Something more pressing is happening - the Red Elves are invading the Moon!
- Outside the windows, a shimmering wave of sparkling explosions presages the rising of a Red Moon on the horizon! Soap bubbles and whimsical shapes hit the Moon’s cratered surface and detonate in bursts of confetti. Scarlet Eclipse is aghast - this isn’t at all what he expected!
- Shrub-Nigeria pulls a curved yellow lever and one of the walls of his shack swings open to reveal weaponry! He tosses a banana with a trigger to Jeremy Wizard and starts handing out banana-guns like SMBs and shotbanana’s to his Highounian mates and the rest of the party. He tells the party to grab his bananacar and get back to Earth while there’s still time, he needs to defend his shack!
- They jump into the bananacar along with Vermillion Vest whose driving skills will come in very handy and Vishnarak the Vibe-Killer who everyone likes for some reason. Vest kicks the car into gear, Beepbox attaches himself to the rear via banana-skis, and everyone else grabs onto the sides. They’re off!

--- Blobs!
- A cat-shaped missile trailing rainbows crashes through Shrub’s Nan’s Granny-Highrise and Vermillion Vest has to race through the slow-falling debris. Nyan Eleven!
- Behind, Shrub’s shack is encased in a smonkscreen of sweet-smelling astroturf smoke. Banana rounds fire from the smoke, bunches of bananas split into multiple banana-warheads, bouncing off most bubbles yet popping several and revealing them to be the landing craft of the Red Elves! The downed Elves fall slowly, returning fire with strange magicks.
- Globs of pearly jelly spatter from the sky in front of the bananacar, forming themselves into shimmering blob-people and attempting to stop the escape! Vermillion Vest skids through a few of them, but others grab onto the rear of the bananacar and fight!

- Red gambits to kick them all off the car and they go tumbling, Beepbox finishes them off by running them down with banana-skis!

--- Elven Bubble-Craft Assault!
- Overhead, a bubble from the shack battle careens past. It rights itself and a portion of the bubble peels back, revealing a Red Elf who zaps Red with a stunning spell! Beepbox engages his jump pack and busts into the bubble with shotbanana drawn.
“You should’ve kept your eyes… peeled!” he shouts as he pumps the banana and… accidentally discharges the ammo backwards. The big peeled banana within slowly drifts downwards outside, exploding in a huge banana-scented explosion that the bananacar jumps through in slo-mo!
- Red, atop the bananacar, swings out the car’s main weapon - a gatling gun made from a big bunch of bananas! “Sorry to burst your bubble” shout Red and Beepbox in unison as they simultaneously blast the bubble walls from within and without!
- The bubble bursts and Beepbox leaps backwards towards the car, firing banana pistols akimbo at the surviving Red Elves.
- Distantly, Iounian monks and hordes of clangers have joined the battle. The Soup Dragon takes up the rear, blasting a column of superheated minestrone at the Red Elf invaders.
- Another bubblecraft has landed ahead, but Beepbox came prepared with a banana bread bazooka. “You’re going to learn to loaf me” he says as he fires, turning away from the explosion that takes out every Red Elf in the impact zone and their bubble-craft too!

--- Shrub Nigeria Finale
- Vermillion Vest ramps the bananacar through the explosion, in midair giving everyone a good view of what’s going down around the Shrub Shack.
- Shrub-Nigeria has gone full eldritch horror, grown into a huge kaiju-scale banana-man whose yellow skin has split into massive yellow tentacles that grasp and destroy all in reach. He wields a massive blunt as a club, its astroturf fumes wreathing the area.
- The bananacar lands and skids to a halt before the entrance to the Seraphim, a full squad of angels standing ready in defence. They run inside and discover that Andromeda did it - the loading screen is on 99.9%! Snels uploads into the mainframe and completes the transfer, taking control of the Seraphim!
- Red tells him about Eris and Dwimmermount and the rest of the recent lore, and Snels agrees to take the party back to Earth. Moon lockdown complete!
- The Seraphim launches and the gang see their last glimpse of the Moon and the massive battle taking place.
- Shrub-Nigeria grabs the Red Moon and begins smashing into it, cracks already appearing on its surface. With a mighty swing he launches the Red Moon upwards, and beams of pure white energy blast into it from the direction of the Earth. Direct hits from the orbiting Gods themselves!
- The Red Moon bleeds bubbles and whimsical shapes, hitting the lunar surface before recovering and retreating into the vast blackness of space. Defeated… for now!

--- Return to New Moondin
- The Snels-Seraphim breaches the atmosphere and drifts serenely down through the clouds, petal-wings opening into a heat shield. As they fall, they can see the world they knew below, albeit somewhat changed in the last few months.
- The enormous Dharga flesh tree grows through a great breach in the diamond dino-dome, blooms of colour and life spreading across the land both outside and within the breach.
- Colonies of white stone seem to mark where Stoneshell Crabs have started to make crustacean habitations, some with survivalist tents set up nearby.
- Closer now, through the Storm-Shell into New Moondin itself. The Seraphim lands in the traditional place astride the remnants of the Creeper Fields, already being somewhat recultivated. In the town below they can see goblin beggars, spider-priests crawling across their electrified web-wires, and a trepidatious crowd that is already gathering to see what the deal with this Seraphim is this time.
- We’ve returned to Earth! Welcome back!

Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Kitty / Andromeda, Level 8 Andromedan Vampire: 160140 (Level MAX)
Yosh! Leverrup! +1d6 Healing Pool/HP! +Minimum Faith 8! +Backstory!

- Tim / Red, Level 8 Duellist Fighter: 146012 (Level MAX)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 125512 (Level MAX)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 93761 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 7 Cleric of the New Eden: 76378 (Level up at 112000)

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 52429 (Level up at 72000)

Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory! 

Session 275 - Is this a JoJo Reference?

Session 275 - Is this a JoJo Reference?

New Backstory:
- Jeremy Wizard got one last shoutout from his favourite e-girl in the Styxtrix before getting booted forever. When you first kiss a willing person, gain +1 HP/level for the rest of the session.

Treasure:

- A big red glowing gem (12000 exp)
Total: 12000 exp

Foes:
- Some Iounians (400 exp)
- The Pillarmen (750 exp)
- The Worm Heart (750 exp)
Total: 1900 exp

Events:

--- Monkey Beers
- Resting up at Shrub-Nigeria’s shack, the party decide that they’ll need some proper gifts for the bogan space monkeys when they go back to the worm dungeon. Conveniently there’s a dodgy off-license in Shrub’s house! They buy a bunch of punny beers - Spacial Brew, Stellar Artois, Fostars, all that good stuff!
- They head back to the worm cave, buy off the grateful monkeys with their cheap space-piss, and go inside!

--- Broken Rules
- The yoga Iounians are still in the entrance! They again offer to wrestle someone for the right to enter the worm… but after a blistering metapod-esque parry-off Red decides to cheat! Using the “power of friendship” as a weapon, she sics Ratman’s clangers on him and laughs as they chew out his guts! It’s brutal!
- The other Iounians come in to assist their fallen brother, and there is nearly deadly combat until Scarlet Eclipse manages to defuse the situation! The weeping Iounians wave the party in.
- Scarlet Eclipse wants to defeat the “Pillar Men” while Red wants to see the worm’s anus for some reason. They take a quick trip to the butt and Red dies a streak into her hair with the worm’s purple arse-blood.

--- Karragoth’s Soul
- They pass through Karragoth’s room, having a quick chat with him. He’s a bit miffed that the party killed his shadows - those are part of his soul! He also asks the party not to break his actual soul, which is a glowing red gem in the room of the pillar men.
- After a bit of chat and a brief detour through a private Dwarf chapel, the party roll out to the pillar men room. Unfortunately they’ve got to go through that orange mist again, but luckily everyone but Jeremy Wizard gets a Constitution buff!
- They enter and a voice booms out WHO DISTURBS THE HEART OF THE WORM CAVE. Combat is joined when one of the pillar-men nearly hits Jeremy Wizard with a sneak attack to the balls! The glowing red gem of the Worm Heart unwraps many glowing limbs and begins shooting eye-beams at people!
- Everything devolves into one big Jojo reference. Highlights include Scarlet Eclipse yelling “MUDAMUDAMUDA” as he wailed on a statue, Red knocking the Worm Heart down with a gambit, Jeremy Wizard spamming Magic Missile via blood magic until a Chaos Burst covers the room in crystal flowers, and Ratman smashing the piss out of things with his electric hammer.
- The final blow to the Worm Heart is - what else? A hamon-infused punch to the core from Scarlet Eclipse!

--- Change Your Heart
- They grab the gem and leave via Karragoth’s room. Stealing his heart has caused him to undergo some sort of mental change - he can now only speak the truth! He no longer has the imagination to make up bullshit prophecies! The monks are going to be pissed.
- They roll on home after some light exposition. A successful trip!

Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 125745 (Level up at 128000)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 105245 (Level up at 192000)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 76094 (Level up at 144000)

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 7 Cleric of the New Eden: 58711 (Level up at 112000)
Level Up: +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Faith! +Backstory!

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 32162 (Level up at 36000)

Session 274 - War of the Clangers

Session 274 - The Dwarven Moon Landing

New Characters:
Stanley Legbuff

Treasure:

- Gems from the Dwarf lunar lander (5000 exp)
- Soup Dragon soup
Total: 5000 exp

Foes:
- A Red Elf, spooked (250 exp)
Total: 250 exp

Events:

--- Escape Plan
- Appearing at the entrance of the stone worm dungeon after Scarlet Eclipse’s spell pulled them back out, the party is once again badgered by startlingly antipodean monkeys. Scarlet sells them some ket to get them off his back.
- They head back to Shrub’s shack and buy a few potions for good luck. Shrub Nigeria says that he’s heard the site of the original Dwarven moon landing is nice this time of moon-year, so the gang decide to head off that way. Shrub even lets them borrow his bananamobile!

--- Ancient History
- They reach the site and see that there’s a big headless stone figure crouching in a small crater. In the area around it are multiple interesting things - a couple of stone monoliths (one broken), a big toilet-shaped rock, strange equipment, that sort of thing.
- The toilet rock is obviously the most pressing thing, and inside they see just a ton of poo in individually-wrapped bags. Just like the real moon landing!
- Another device nearby has a big fist on it, seemingly used for pounding moon dust into solid moon-brick. Ratman stamps a commemorative coin.
- While they’re messing with it, the eye on top of the monolith across the way lights up and sends a beam of radiation towards the party! They all take damage, and Red grabs a shiny retroreflector off the ground as a shield.

--- Tiny War
- They advance towards the monolith behind the shield, noticing some sort of tiny war going on as they pass by the kneeling statue. Small pink Clangers fight against motile moon rocks twice their size on the slopes of the knee-high crater. The moon rocks seem to be winning!
- The war rages around their feet, and suddenly Scarlet Eclipse is fired upon by some sort of magic weapon from elsewhere! A sniper? It’s all happening!
- Jeremy realises he’s got a potion that can help - Clairaudience! He hears where the sniper is, and Red dashes over to the sounds. There are three-toed footprints around there and she hears blurbling voices. Red Elves!
- She makes some spooky noises to spook them, and the Elves bug out in their shimmering soap bubble spaceship.

--- Talking to Everything
- The rest of the party is close enough to the eye-topped monolith that it can’t aim down at them. Beepbox uses a miracle to talk to it. It’s programmed to shoot non-Dwarves and it’s been here since a little while after the moon landing to keep the place pristine. It hasn’t seen anyone in ages.
- They put a bucket over the eye to deactivate the beams and move on.
- Near some ancient moon-mining experiments they see a large metal hatch. They knock on it, and a dragon comes out! It’s the Soup Dragon! It makes soup and exploits Clanger labour! They get some delicious soup.
- They finally investigate the moon lander and see that the head was a re-entry vehicle and the body was a big golem thing. Neat! Also it’s got valuable gems in it. Beepbox decides that it belongs in a museum and talks to it, finding out that it was manufactured in (where else) Dwimmermount! Is there anything that mountain can’t do?
- Most of the party work to get the lander back to Shrub-Nigeria’s house. Ratman stays behind for a while, using his rats to turn the tide of the battle versus the moon rock monsters!

Total: 5000 exp

Exp Totals:

- Tim / Red, Level 7 Duellist Fighter: 121965 (Level up at 128000)

- Izzy / Ratman, Level 8 Ratman: 101465 (Level up at 192000)

- Charles / Jeremy Wizard, Level 7 Magic-User: 72314 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 Mana! +1 Free Spell! +Backstory!

- Ollie / Beepbox Strawberry Stars de Moor, Level 6 Cleric of the New Eden: 54931 (Level up at 56000)

- George / Scarlet Eclipse, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 28382 (Level up at 36000)

- James G / Stanley Legbuff, Level 1 ???: 1709 (Level up at 2000)