I feel like my steadily growing desire to fall in love is surmounting my desire for much of anything else.




Shit.

Whoa Whoa Whoa

GUYSSSSS!

I just found out about my "Stats"....what is this crazyness?

I seriously thought like, 11 of my closest friends MAYBE read this thing....but there are people in France...Netherlands...UK...Japan (?!?!) reading my silly nonsense?!

How crazy is that. I think it is crazy.


Cool though, I guess. Makes me feel a little more pressure to stop whining so goddamned much and write shit that interests people. I think that is what I use twitter for....I'm waaaay less emo and way more clever on Twitter.


uhmeeleeuh


....in case you were wondering.

Guilty

I fell in love with someone I didn't like.

Oye.

My heart hurts.


All kinds of bad.

God, I waste so much time.

friends and lovers

what a transitional time for relationships.

geeze.

people physically and/or emotionally coming and going. 

it's too much. I don't know if my little heart can take it.

I wish I ya'll could just take a minute....and slow/calm the fuck down, and take a minute....with me.

we could go to the park and lay on our backs and be ourselves....

just for a minute.

dayum

oh jesus christ,


it feels like it's been a awhile, but I guess it hasn't been that long.



"Longing" is back and in full force. Still doing that thing where I want all these things BUT am still able to realize what I do have and accept that it's good enough for now.
It's almost harder, though, to finally realize your awesomeness and know that what you want is actually what you deserve and still not know how to achieve it.
Self-realization is a real bitch sometimes.
Self-awareness can be devastating.
But I guess I'd rather know than not...know.

Oh, but, indifference and apathy....that's the real kicker.

one month to the day.

it was fun while it lasted!

sometimes I get so excited about something that I truly feel like my heart is going to explode into a million little pieces and even the prospect of that is exciting because how incredible would that be?

Being 7 feet away from my friends while I'm 7 feet close to them is sometimes the nicest.

However, being 400 miles away from someone you want to be 7 feet away from just sucks.

I just noticed that a bunch of photos have been tagged of me recently on Facebook where I am smiling...







go figure.

I like my brain sometimes.

I have learned that the moment(s) between meeting someone and knowing them well can be the most magical.
The suspense...

instinct

Last night I watched fireworks explode above us and gave into the feeling of romanticism that I anticipated the whole day. This moment passed and I kept a little piece of it in a tiny compartment somewhere deep inside of me to revisit later.
"It's so easy," I thought, "to give into this feeling, because it feels good. Trying again... trying to build something together, although you know you will always be working twice as hard"

Then myself responded to myself,

 "Let go."

Sometimes when Claire and I correspond ovia e-mail, I can hear exactly what we are saying as if we are having a real conversation and it involves a lot of exclaimations(!) and a lot of laughing.

Virtues

The Seven Heavenly Virtues are as follows:

1. chastity
2. temperance
3. charity
4. diligence
5. patience
6. kindness
7. humility

I'm learning this for the very first time (thank you, Wiki) but knew that patience was definitely a virtue...because everyone says so all the time.... And I've been thinking about patience a lot lately and agreeing that it should indeed be a virtue because sometimes it's fucking HARD. I also happen to HIGHLY agree that charity, diligence, kindness and humility should be virtues because they RULE as personal practices and I have been thinking about those a lot lately too.


But hold the phone...

being chaste and temperate?!...(uh)...


those will never be a part of my M.O...


Ever.

tonight.

I looked for something I had lost.

I found something else and kept it.

I was always a second late with the 3 high fives I was given. It was awkward.

I met an Italian man, meaning a man from Italy.

It felt like meeting someone from your hometown who only shares things in common with you that no one else around you in this other place shares.

We spoke in Italian and I felt my soggy language muscle contract with enormous strain. Ow.

I drank alcohol and swayed my hips and shuffled my feet.

I thought about white people singing songs that black people used to sing and how white and black people dance in a room together to those songs and how every one who is different is really the same.

I listened to the words of Blues songs and thought about love and hate and sex and pain. And how all those things relate to one another. I thought about how everything is misunderstood.

I felt myself becoming closer to another being and how good it felt to create bonds and how new bonds are sometimes born out of broken ones.

I was nostalgic of my whole life and last week. Even yesterday and 3 hours ago. I felt gratitude for the things I have done.

I took a step forward.

C & R

I have never felt such a draw to any other place as much as I do San Francisco.

Two people in particular that live there happen to be two of my most favorite people on this planet and they both remind me of magic. Truly. Whenever I am around either of them, I am reminded how very real but also very lovely and captivating they are. I feel like they both lead very charmed lives and they both happen to live in the most magical metropolis in the country.

I've never wanted to visit San Francisco more.



I miss you two.

I'm still awful at cracking an egg.
But I'm trying to be better about making my bed.

So many things don't make much sense.

"Irrational" is a word that comes to mind and an emotion I feel quite often.



Like why, when I look at a photo of the man I love (And who loves me) kissing another woman from another place and another time, do I feel......jealousy, sadness, and rage all at once?


Maybe because it strikes a nerve, a tender spot that already exists. An insecurity.



And these things can breed so many questions about triggers and emotions.





And can also breed questions like: "Why are you still tagged in photos on Facebook where you're kissing another girl? Dick."