sth wrong?

you wake up feeling fine but after a while you develop a illfitting, irritating feeling, you're trying to think clearly but there's sth blurring your concentration?


try cleaning your glasses

SUCCESS AND MOTHERHOOD DON'T GO TOGETHER? you can lick my toes!

studies/career and motherhood don't go together? you can lick my toes!

really!

just because you were brainwashed that you cannot do both

or maybe you even came to the conclusion after much thought

that you couldnt

and so you didnt

and/or you're jealous that someone would dare something that you were too chicken shit /not confident enough to even think of trying

or maybe you tried and didnt do too well, or kinda failed, or failed miserably

and/or because your own time to do anything about it has irrevocably passed

YOU CANNOT TELL ME:

with the certainty of a person who has done neither that "you can't do both"
maybe because you're not proud of your own child that "women are not made to be baby machines" (??) (ever tried seeing yourself as a mother instead?)

that "you have to pick one" (is that in the ten commandments somewhere?)

that "you can't have everything" (why on earth not??)

firstly, it's plain rude to offer crippling "advice" instead of a simple good luck, if you really can't come up with anything warmer, seeing as i didn't ask for the advice, you asked what's new

secondly, i think you're underestimating my intelligence, planning, ability (so you don't reckon i ever thought that it's probably like working 200% before i took my decision?)

thirdly, you're really making it about you

i'm not saying i am, or ever will be perfect

i'm not saying, i will get everything perfect

but i'm saying i'm going to try to get everything right

and that's why i'll get more than you ever settled for

now you can sit back and shut your mouth if you have nothing good to say

do feel free to watch me and turn red, green, blue and all the other colours of the rainbbow for all i care.

isn0t it all just amazing?

doesn't your soul overflow with happiness some times?

mine does. i am so happy today. this happiness is flowing over from my insides through every pore of me and manifests itself in a big grin. it's a constant flow rather than a short burst, and it fills me with thankfulness, optimism and a determination not to let it go to waste.

the facts:
i am healthy, able and whatever i need to live and flourish is either available to me or i have the opportunities to acquire it.
there are people who love me and find i am wonderful and likewise i find them most important.
soon there will be a little seed growing inside me that will take my experience of what love is all about to a whole new level.
what else can you possibly ask for? except cherish the moment when it is there, because you should never, ever take it for granted. it's not so much that something terrible could happen to you like an illness or a loss, it is that missing out on all this wonderfulness day by day and feel it expand inside you is what's terrible.

an evening trip

i took the train today to go see an exhibition of paintings of an old friend, that her sister organised it in her memory.

a little boy of about five or six years old with dark blue eyes, really fat cheeks and the cutest red lips came in with his mother, and i signed to her that there's space next to me. she sat next to me and he opposite me next to some indian business man who according to his body language thought very high of himself (really... next time go to first class if you dont want to mingle with people "lower" than you).

ok, back to the cutie boy, our first encounter was that he spilled his hot chocolate on my new jeans luckily it had a tight lid that held so only a few drops spilled and not the whole cup - much to both our relief. it impressed me very much how honestly he apologised. and seeing as his mother looked like a drug addict it probably wasn't his fault at all that his fine motoric skills weren't quite up to his age - he dropped it a couple more times, then dropped his brezel, then dropped the cup again as he wanted to throw it away into the bin.

about halfway to my destination, this train stops at the town where my friend used to live. so many memories came back, running to catch my last train home, standing on the train doorstep to hold it open long enough for a last good night hug and - just friendly - kiss... and then a very, very last good night. tears started running down my face. i wasnt exactly crying - the sobs from her loss stopped maybe a year ago. i thought i was hiding my tears pretty well, looking out the window and all. but the little guy noticed.

he asked, why are you crying? oops! i got caught! i discussed with myself for a second, what should i answer him, lie that i m not crying? tell him what? if you know children, you know they never stop at the first question specially when they've found somebody who answers truthfully, so i took a deep breath and said, i miss my friend who died.

immediately i saw his puzzled face, and he hesitated, seeing that i was upset. but i gave him a reassuring smile and he asked the next question what did she die from?

................

that was harder and i could see it coming, but never was prepared to give an age appropriate answer...

killed herself? but he's so young...
didnt want to live anymore? definitely too young and i can't say that to somebody else's child (i would say that to my child though)

i just answered, what i ve thought all along.

i told him she died from loneliness.

he stretched over both his arms and reached over for my hand, held it tight and he looked into my eyes and he said, really concerned, "i m sorry you're crying"

and that was the most sincere condolences i've received - in fact the only ones in that case, since nobody had an idea how much she meant or how big a gap she left.

i was glad i had to get off, allowing the cold night to dry my eyes.

baby, baby, baby mine mine baby small baby mine!

yes!
i want one, i want in my belly i want it right in there to carry it around with me and go swimming with it and feel it grow and make my belly reallly big and round and swollen!!!

yes and then i wanna push it out with all i got when it's run out of space and then i want to hold it tight and protect it and nourish it and keep it warm forever
yeah well, maybe not forever...

can it be healthy please and smart and beautiful, i couldnt stand an ugly baby, but if it's between healthy or beautiful i ll take ugly any day, or between beautiful or smart then i ll take smart over beautiful, and besides my baby cant be anything but pretty, since i m so cute AND smart myself. the father is not exactly a swiss model but yeah he's allright to look at i guess, and he IS bright...

ok god, can you put that baby in my belly this month? please?? we're two people, all in all three families wanting and waiting for this baby so i promise, it won't be a waste of seed plus with four different religions/ denominations between the families you'll get to bless this baby four times, so think about it, quadriple membership, it's a good deal

today

"what passed
didn't stay
what comes
didn't happen"

what is left?

today
now
this moment.
so,
stop living
from the past
or
for the future

late night blogging

mamà,

it is time for you to take a stance.

you could overcome yourself and decide to stand by my side, even if it is only because i am your daughter. i will take that reason to be partial any time. you could accept i am lesbian, and that i fall in love with women, and sleep with them. naked. i mean, you saw that yourself when you busted into my room with my first girlfriend. as you saw other things too when i was younger but chose to see nothing.

you can accept that i am not exactly your average mainstream thinking and acting person and while we're at it, neither is your younger daughter. this might sound far fetched but maybe you could even derive some joy from the fact that although you've brainwashed her against me for ten years she is a most supportive, understanding and loving sister. and so are my two brothers. and your oldest son, mamà, he is gay too, as is your own sister, but you'll never know that or see clearly that your sister's "best friend" has been her lover for as long as i can remember and that's why they spend winters in athens in her house and summers by the sea in aunt's house.

we are a very gay family.

you could pull your head out from your arse and you could make a difference for yourself by looking around you instead of being blinded by your own shit.

i will not lie and say i understand how difficult it is for you to take me as i am. because i do not see anything particularly wrong with myself.

i think the difficulty lies in your own inability to love who i am unless i am the way you want me to be. which is fine with other people but since i am your daughter, i had expected your love to be a tad more unconditional.

when you call and complain i never call to tell you of my life, what you mean is that i do not call to tell you what you want to hear. when you ask and i tell you what i am up to, you only want to point out what i am doing wrong and how i could live my life better.

you must have no idea, that i am the critical virgo and you are the open minded aquarius?

you must have no idea, that i am happy. you have no idea, that i love myself, and i love my life, i love my friends, my home, my cats, and i love women. that i am thankful for most everything i have and have accomplished, without your help, that i am a cheerful person, determined, sensitive and able. or do you see that, and cannot believe it? or maybe you believe i do not deserve it? what is it that makes you so twisted and mean and stupid?

no, mamà, gay people cannot just "sign a paper" to secure their rights. a "paper" won't give us the rights that married people get.

mamà, it is time for you to take a stance. do you want to keep me or can you afford to lose me? this is the chance i am offering you, for the sake of you being my biological mother;

you can become or even pretend to be supportive and accepting. you can be angry that i am denied rights, and spread the word. you can take my side, even now, even if you never took my side when i was little.

you can be proud of me and start forwarding the wedding and baptism invitations instead of holding them back for fear I could appear there with my girlfriend and embarass you. stop shutting me out of my beloved cousins' lives! it is unfair, that you can withhold information from me because i live in another country and it is unacceptable that I only learn i have a new nephew when he is three, and that my uncle died a year ago! how dare you!

mamà. i repeat this is your chance and it is the last one. i do not mind losing you, because i do not feel i owe it to you to put up with your homophobic, ignorant, narrow-minded bullshit.

i do not need you, and this is something you could be proud of instead of interpreting it as my conscious choice to follow the wrong way...


9

dessert for dinner

i wanted something sweet tonight so i got two apples that had started to lose firmness, peeled, chopped them, threw them into the non stick pan with a spoonful honey at high heat until they started to soften, turned off the heat, added couple withering bananas, sliced, mixing everything with some cinnamon, clove and ginger powder until bananas began to melt.

i served it with a ball of vanilla ice cream and made sure to taste every spoonful of it, cold and hot melting together on my tongue.

if i had had some plain no fat greek yogurt i would have preferred the healthier aleternative to ice cream but as it is, i am one happy lesbian right now

also great topped with crushed walnuts

my sister and I

so.... sunday morning and after a sleepless night due to major excitement i was out the house to go pick up my sis.... she hadnt slept either having to leave home in the middle of the night to fly at dawn so we arrived at my place with energy levels of zombies and passed out until about midday. then we woke up and since then we've been talking and laughing and dancing and drinking and screaming and then talking and laughing and dancing and drinking and screaming!!!

i m having a beautiful first week off school, for starters my sister darling brought my fav greek sweet which is like a custard made from milk and semolina in between phιllo dough and bathed in sirup so i ve been kept very happy having it for three days in a row for breakfast, after lunch, dinner and bedtime snack. we've been cooking yummy stuff i m usually not bothered to make for myself - tonight we had beef patties stuffed with feta and roast potatoes. we drink before during and after every meal using the crystal glasses and the nicest plates and matching napkins it's just all beautiful and fest-like.

the first and second day we spent a few hours sorting out my closets. two things came out of it: firstly we created something my closet hasn't experienced before called: space and secondly my sister on a student budget and avid freebie junkie just got a full free makeover (except for shoes). i had to dig out an old suitcase so she can take all her new stuff back and i couldnt be happier than they will be happily worn again.
highlight:
sis picks out a black and white striped bra: oh that bra is so cute!
me: hey, this is my fav bra too. i hadnt seen it in two years under all the others. take it.
sis: oh no, i cant take your favourite bra. (she hands it back to me)
me: i look at it again thinking that it is indeed a cutie.
sis: but then, now that you're getting pregnant, it won't fit you anyway for another two years...
me: i pull the bra by the straps and flip it back to her like a sling.

on the second day we went to the pool. i won at backstroke. now listen, my sister can swim while i can only move very awkwardly in water. now obviously she couldnt be bothered to make any effort to compete with me but i still won over my sister, for the first time, in anything. after my triumph we had a full round of all the spa and sauna facilities mmm heavenly.

yesterday we went downtown, walked around zurich, along the river, by the lake, in and out of kitschy souvenir shops, commenting on anything and anyone in greek while at the same time having yet another random sociological conversation... we hopped into a tram and i kept walking to the back although they were seats in the front, sitting opposite a rather uptight lady.

sis jokingly stared at me with a look "it is allright, we are all a little deranged in out family" but then got stuck looking into my eyes, noticing for the first time they can look green. i looked back at her with the "we're all a little deranged in our family" look and hugged her and kissed her catching uptight lady in the corner of my eye getting a little uncomfortable. a greek song came to mind which i spontaneously started singing to her -sth about forgetting an old lover's eye colour and the sound of their voice... now i might have a lousy voice but i love her surprise when i randomly burst into a song.
the uptight lady got a little scared and decided to get up and go stand by the door maybe she feared i would magically produce a hat to pass around reminding me that "because rock, whatever you are, if you don't have it, be afraid of it".

good vibes

aaaall over!!

don't know why (ok, maybe i have an idea) but i'm feeling gooooooood, people!!!!

ooooh, i'm spreading the good vibes, making some good times!!



oh and if you need one more little push to feel happy today, watch the song i put up today on my profile!
(watch the song...? yes, in the ear of youtube, we WATCH songs...lol)

i picked up her cd randomly yesterday downtown - because it was only for 11.50 francs. turns out the cover isn't always deceiving about the content And btw i LOVE that name Yael.

and i'll be out the house in 12 hours to go pick my sister darling

CHEER UP PEOPLE LIFE IS GOOD

life is good today and because you never know what it'll be like tomorrow you better get up and dance

i mean, think about it... WHAT IF... this were to be...

AS GOOD AS IT GETS

??

can you risk it?