titles... pfff!!! by tra, (http://tra.shoe.org/) so i was telling a friend today i feel like after 30 years of being int he total darkness, in the last couple years it's like "enlightenment" has been accelerating. which is really weird cuz i saw that docu the other day saying a similar thing... so at least i m in company with my weirdness. that's what counts eh. i ll try to put it in a image. say i was in a dark room, without any light. and now, as if the blinds have been ever so lightly loosened, and a couple faint rays come in inbetween the holes. maybe i still can't really see the picture, but compared to the absolute darkness of the first 30 years, there is something to see, even if it's just shadows. i was telling this to my friend and wondering, will another couple rays have sneaked in through the shutters in another 30 years, maybe i can see more than shadows, maybe then i can even see some form... like, how cool would that be... what a revelation.... it's nothing compared to what is really there but it's everything compared to nothing and double as many faint rays of light before... remember you must compare it to the absolute darkness... whether there is such a thing as absolute darkness or absolute anything, that's kinda another discussion... it always begins with curiosity... maybe curiosity is the seed of light in the "absolute" darkness... the "possibility" of light... say you been paddling along like one of those underground mice whatever they called, just fretting around really, never taking a breaths break to think about what you re doing or why or where to or anything, you re just running digging sniffling... and then, you stop. and ask yourself, hey, what's up? and this questioning, turning the attention to yourself opens the world to you. (never mind about actually getting answers eventually) today was a day so intense, cant remember when i had one like this last. i went to my yoga class in the morning... to say goodbye to my beloved yoga teacher. omg she was sniffing tears every other exercise. she has the handkerchief usually to wipe sweat and today she was wiping tears. i had to be really strong and not cry. i didnt completely manage. my one eye was crying the whole time. but only one. the other stayed brave. she gave us a three hour class, she dried us out like sponges (please someone remind me the better verb... wrigle?)... all my organs are super detoxing right now. i kept thinking, ahhh this is haaard!!!! "oooh, it's hard hard hard ay ay ay ayyyyy shhhh!!!!" a couple months ago, the various thoughts crossing my mind were "fuck it, that's too hard!" "i cant do this!" "this class is too difficult for me!" "boohoo, i m too fat to be here!!" today: "ahhh it's so hard!!! ay!" "come on knee cap, pull up my arch!" or "i know you re a really stubborn trapezius but i m not gonna give up till you do!" talking to my various body parts and organs has become a totally normal daily thing. just like talking to my pets or my plants. Sometimes, Teachers have to leave. We are sad for a while. Then we throw our shoulders back stick our heart out and wear them with pride. With every teacher we carry, we become Lighter. Do we really carry them or do they carry us? So after that, I had to run to my practice where i had arranged with a friend to give her shiatsu... i had a lovely practice experimenting with something and gaining knowledge... she is going to have a week from hell and she will have to work hard but i m rather positive about the outcome... i convinced her to go to the river afterwards and it was an absolutely fabulous swim... the water was hardly cooling, there was no current, i almost had to swim to move along... then we installed ourselves at the "women only deck" gazing at pretty female views around us and the people floating in the river underneath i had left my stuff at the practice and only went to the river with my bathsuit, skirt and tshirt over... after the swim i didnt want to wear the wet bathsuit on my skin so i went back to the practice with clothes on but no underwear lol... luckily it's only like 20 mins walk.... but i had to walk through the red light district with clearly not wearing a bra hahaaa after i had put on some underwear on i had to run to my date... yes well i wasnt gonna go to a date without underwear!!! she is lovely by the way and there i was going into the water again with her, this time in the lake, it was getting dark and we floated out in the lake, that was simply amazing, nothing but looking at a cloudy sky and hearing to my own breaths volumized through the water... like time had stopped, like nothing existed beyond this one breath and this one sky... and she, somewhere behind me, next to me, was i must say a nice addition talking of hearing.... i have gotten my hearing gradually back... a few days back i randomly realised i could hear the cicades.... i was flabbergasted... i never knew there were cicades in switzerland... and an uhu bird outside my practice in the freaking middle of the city.... and one afternoon i could hear the breeze through leaves at home... and my cat is snoring incessantly man and he prefers to sleep right next to my pillow! omg a world coming back alive.... i was told with scarred eardrums and what not... and the recurring ear infections... bla bla... not wet the ears... bla bla... no more swimming for you... bla bla... take these good antibiotics, they're gonna kick the infections' ass, ah yes, hopefully before my immune system's?! pfff!!! ok i think that's it with my rant... haven't written in a while so just making up for it boooh aaa hahaaa