Michael Ray Taylor > Quotes

“It is not all bad. Hard as this may be for some cats to believe, it is in fact quite common that a kitten raised with a dog will develop an actual fondness for the animal, even going so far as to keep it as a trusted pet. With proper work and training, you too can mold any dog in the household into an enjoyable wrestling foil, an occasional warm bed, or at the very least an object of humor and entertainment.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“a cat was observed in a veterinarian’s waiting area sitting patiently on a leash, held by a human. Whoever you are, you had better cut it out.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“If a new human — a child, a spouse, a roommate, a plumber — is brought into the household, place this person on notice that he or she is on probation, and may or may not be allowed to stay. Probation may be communicated via dirty looks, disdain for any gift this person presents, and in cases of extreme distrust, a hairball — or worse — deposited in the offender’s shoe. However, if the new human shows signs of being a “cat person,” i.e., a sucker, you may choose to dispense with the probationary period before the customary six months have passed”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“If a dense human still fails to get the message, reach over and touch the item you intend for them to share, or touch an arm or cheek with your paw.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“If the human looks at anyone or anything other the place where food is kept, interrupt the view, explaining that you have not been fed in days, perhaps weeks, and you need sustenance this instant. As in immediately. Or sooner.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“Remind your humans of the traditional value of the newspaper by helping them to read every time they sit down with one. If there are no newspapers available, shred mail, magazines, checkbooks and other documents to point out the value of stocking less permanent media in the feline household. If your computer skills are up to the task, preorder five years of home delivery of the Sunday New York Times. Now there’s a paper you can spend hours killing. Save the magazine and book review for enjoyment later in the week.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“Prowl along the fringes of residential neighborhoods until you find the word “sucker” scratched into a tree or fencepost, usually with an arrow indicating the proper house.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“Nothing the human can read is more interesting than you. Therefore, when the human picks up a book, magazine, or newspaper, you may best assist him or her by interposing your magnificent Self between the page and humanity.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“I spend much of my time roaming the planet on assorted travel grants, studiously avoiding the sorts of honest work in which most people engage.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“lightening bugs”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“ When you are injured, the vet is the human best equipped to patch you up. When you lack any specific injury, the vet will gladly provide one, by poking you with needles, sticking thermometers into wholly inappropriate places, and shoving a brightly lit funnel into your ear in order to read your innermost thoughts.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“Second, with determination and focus, it is possible to wait for the moment when the human puckers up to blow. At that instant, spit the pill the short distance into the human’s mouth. See how well they like it.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual

“There are several tasks that humans cannot manage on their own. As their caretakers, it becomes incumbent upon cats to assist whenever humans attempt these activities: writing letters; doing homework; paying bills; typing on keyboards; ironing or folding clothes; making beds; unpacking anything that comes in a box; hanging holiday decorations; and unloading groceries. With all of these tasks, it is the cat’s obligation to be in the middle of the job — the sooner the better.”
― Michael Ray Taylor, The Cat Manual