Laura Davis > Quotes

“Abuse manipulates and twists a child’s natural sense of trust and love. Her innocent feelings are belittled or mocked and she learns to ignore her feelings. She can’t afford to feel the full range of feelings in her body while she’s being abused—pain, outrage, hate, vengeance, confusion, arousal. So she short-circuits them and goes numb. For many children, any expression of feelings, even a single tear, is cause for more severe abuse. Again, the only recourse is to shut down. Feelings go underground.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

“Many survivors insist they’re not courageous: ‘If I were courageous I would have stopped the abuse.’ ‘If I were courageous, I wouldn't be scared’... Most of us have it mixed up. You don’t start with courage and then face fear. You become courageous because you face your fear.”
― Laura Davis

“Survivors often develop an exaggerated need for control in their adult relationships. It’s the only way they feel safe. They also struggle with commitment—saying yes in a relationship means being trapped in yet another family situation where abuse might take place. So the survivor panics as her relationship gets closer, certain that something terrible is going to happen. She pulls away, rejects, or tests her partner all the time.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

“Many survivors struggle to believe the abuse happened. They don’t want to believe it. It’s too painful to think about. They don’t want to accuse family members or face the terrible loss involved in realizing “a loved one” hurt them; they don’t want to rock the boat.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

“Although healing brings a better life, it also threatens to permanently alter life as you’ve known it. Your relationships, your position in the world, even your sense of identity may change. Coping patterns that have served you for a lifetime will be called into question. When you make the commitment to heal, you risk losing much of what is familiar. As a result one part of you may want to heal while another resists change.”
― Laura Davis, The Courage to Heal Workbook: A Guide for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual Abuse

“Most survivors grew up too fast. Their vulnerable child-selves got lost in the need to protect and deaden themselves. Reclaiming the inner child is part of the healing process. Often the inner child holds information and feelings for the adult. Some of these feelings are painful; others are actually fun. The child holds the playfulness and innocence the adult has had to bury.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

“Few of us have a healthy sense of boundaries. We either have rigid boundaries (“No one is ever going to get close to me”) or weak boundaries (“I’ll be anything anyone wants me to be”). Rigid boundaries lead to distance and isolation; weak boundaries, to over-dependency and sometimes, further abuse. The ideal is to develop flexible boundaries, boundaries which can vary depending on the circumstances.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Was Sexually Abused as a Child

“When you love someone whose healing is leading her to challenge abuse in the world, you either support her in that effort or you stand in the way. If you really want to support the survivor’s healing, join her in fighting back.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

“When their desire to heal is met with information, skilled support, and a safe environment, they begin to grow in ways they never dreamed possible. The sad thing is that not all survivors have access to these conditions.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

“The healing process is best described as a spiral. Survivors go through the stages once, sometimes many times; sometimes in one order, sometimes in another. Each time they hit a stage again, they move up the spiral: they can integrate new information and a broader range of feelings, utilize more resources, take better care of themselves, and make deeper changes.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

“Sometimes if we go deep enough into our pain, it changes into something else.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse

“If you feel happy, enjoy it, because happiness doesn’t last forever. The nature of feelings is that they change. Go with the shifts in your own emotional rhythm.”
― Laura Davis, Allies in Healing: When the Person You Love Is a Survivor of Child Sexual Abuse