What do you think?
Rate this book
608 pages, Hardcover
First published March 26, 2013
Qhuinn watched from a vast distance as his own hand reached out and touched Blay’s face, the fingertips running over the five o’clock shadow. “I’m sorry.”
Oh, God, to touch him. To feel the warmth of his skin, to inhale his clean, masculine scent.
“I’m sorry.”
“I lived for the night, because I could go over to your house. It was the only thing that kept me going. You were the only thing, actually. It was…you.”
"I just…wanted you to be okay….I just…wanted you…to be okay—"
Qhuinn’s lids closed briefly. And then he gathered Blay in an embrace that connected them from head to foot. “You’re always there for me, aren’t you.”
"The truth was not something he wanted to share: Wild horses, loaded guns, crowbars, fire hoses, trampling elephants…even an order from the king himself could not have pulled him away."
"You and I…we grew up together, and that’s it. Yeah, we shared a lot of stuff back then, and we were there for each other when it mattered. But neither one of us can fit into the clothes we used to wear, and this relationship between us is just the same. It doesn’t fit in our lives any longer. We don’t…fit anymore."
"If he wanted to live, he had to completely focus.
Yet even as the conviction hit him, there was a split second when he thought, Just end this all now. Just be done with all the bullshit and the punishment of life, the almost-theres, the if-onlys, the relentless chronic agony he’d been in…he was so tired of it all..."
"If you were alone, I’d still be right on this carpet, on my knees, wanting to be with you. If you were mated to a female, if you were dating someone all casual and shit, if you were in a million different places in life…I’d still be right here. Begging you for something, anything—one time, if that’s all you’ve got."
“I love you,” he said into the spray of the shower. “I…love you.”
As he closed his eyes against the pain, it was hard to know how much of what ran down his cheeks was water, and how much was something else.
"It was time for him to repay the strength…and in all likelihood, bear the pain that was going to come when he was turned down in a far more kindly manner than he’d provided for.
Forcing his lids down, he brought Blay’s knuckles to his mouth, brushing a kiss against them. Then he gave himself up to sleep, letting himself fall into unconsciousness, knowing that, at least for the next few hours, he was safe in the arms of his one and only."
"If any harm shall befall him, I will come after you, and find you where you sleep. I do not care where you lay your head or who with, my vengeance shall rain upon you until you drown."
The woman shouted in alarm and tried to jump back, but, of course, her feet were stuck in their bindings. To keep her from falling over, he grabbed her arm with the hand that wasn’t holding his cigar.
Now her blood ran with fear, and as he inhaled the scent, he hardened. Jerking her forward, he stared down at her, tracing her face.
“Be careful,” he said in a low voice. “I take offense quite readily, and my temper is not easily assuaged.”
--------------------------------------------------
She slapped him so fast and so hard, his head actually kicked back on his spine.
His first instinct was to bare his fangs and bite her, to punish her, to tantalize himself—because there was no better spice to pleasure than a little pain. Or a lot of it.
He righted his head and lowered his lids. “That felt good. Do you want to do it again?”
“I just want to hold you,” he said. “It’s enough for me right now.”
Nestling in, she fit herself even more closely to him. “Well, this is nice, too.”
Yeah. It was.
And curiously terrifying.
“Wrath?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you okay?”
It was a little while before he could answer, before he trusted his voice to be calm, and level, and no BFD. “Oh, yeah, I’m fine. Just fine.”
As he smoothed her arm, running his hand up and down her biceps, he prayed that she believed it…and vowed that what was happening just one door down the hall would never, ever happen to them.
“You've always had me ... and my heart. My soul. Everything. I wish it hadn't taken this long for me to man up.”
All of his life he had wanted to belong.
He started to cry. Thank fuck for the hood.
"Do not cry." His thumb went to her cheeks. "Beautiful female of worth, do not cry."
“The difference between someone “loving” someone versus being “in love” was a curb to the Grand Canyon. The head of a pin to the entire Midwest. An exhale to a hurricane...”
“I lived for the night, because I could go over to your house. It was the only thing that kept me going. You were the only thing, actually. It was…you.”
“I'll beg for it.” More with the caress of those devastating lips. “If that's what it takes. I don't give a fuck, I'll beg...”I wish I could say it was an easy journey for these two, but it wasn’t. It was very difficult. A lot of old wounds, miscommunication etc. Our boys have changed so much from the beginning. Blay is a whole different man. He doesn’t bend to Qhuinn’s every whim, he is much more tough. And I just have to throw a shout out to Blay’s parents. OMG I just love those two!!!! Qhuinn just broke me in this book. I thought I couldn’t love him anymore than I already did, I was wrong. The ‘sorry’ scene, yeah- that got to me. He is such a special character. I just adore him. After all Qhuinn has been through in his life, I couldn’t have been happier when , but without Blay, it didn’t seem like much to him. The moment of their confessions destroyed me. I was an emotional wreck. Cue the waterworks:
“I have loved you for years. I have been in love with you for years and years and years…throughout school and training…before transitions and afterward…when you approached me and yes, even now that you’re with Saxton and you hate me. And that…shit…in my fucking head locked me down, locked everything down…and it cost me you.”
“What.” Oh, for God’s sake. “Fine. Why wouldn’t it ever work out?”
“Because I was, and I remain, utterly and completely and totally… in love with you.”
“You've always had me ... and my heart. My soul. Everything. I wish it hadn't taken this long for me to man up.”
“You are perfect the way you are." Blay's voice was strong. "There is nothing wrong with who and what you have always been. I'm proud of you. And I love you. Now ... and always."
Qhuinn's vision got wavy. Hard-core.
"I'm proud of you. And I love you," Blay repeated. "Always. Forget about your old family ... you have me now. I am your family.”
“Because I was, and I remain, utterly and completely and totally…in love with you.”
“I have loved you for years. I have been in love with you for years and years and years ... throughout school and training ... before transitions and afterward ... when you approached me and yes, even now that you're with Saxton and you hate me. And that ... shit ... in my fucking head locked me down, locked everything down ... and it cost me you.”
He couldn’t believe he’d never told Blay he loved him. In all the minutes and hours and nights of his life, in all the words he’d spoken to the male over the years they’d known each other, he’d only ever pushed him away.
“I’ve been fooling myself.” Saxton shook his head. “I thought I could keep going with you like this—but I can’t. It’s killing me.”
Blay closed his eyes. “I know I’ve been out a lot in the field—”
“That’s not what I’m talking about.”
Z had dragged himself forward, and going by the expression on his face, he was having trouble staying on his feet—and not just because of the bucking and weaving.
The Brother spoke up, his deep voice cutting through the din. “Time for you to go.”
“Fuck that,” Qhuinn hollered back. Reaching forward, he went to try the ignition. Couldn’t hurt, right?
“Don’t make me throw you out.”
“Try it.”
“Okay, so here’s what you have to do. You take some time and do some healing. You’ll know when you’ve done enough. Then you have to be open to meeting somebody new. You are such a catch, you know.”
And here she was, telling him to go meet another guy.
“Blay? Did you hear me? I don’t want you to spend your life alone.”
“You’re…choking…me….”
“I should kill you right here, right now,” Qhuinn growled. “How the fuck could you do that to him? He’s in love with you—”
Unbidden, his feet took another step forward. “I’m sorry….”
All of a sudden, he was saying those words over and over again, repeating them with each footfall that brought him closer to Blay.
“I’m sorry….I’m sorry….I’m…sorry….” He didn’t know what the fuck he was saying or doing; he just had an urgency to repent for all his sins.
There were so many when it came to this honorable male who was standing dead still before him.
Finally, there was only one step left before his bare chest hit Blay’s.
Qhuinn’s voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m sorry.”
In the thick silence that followed, Blay’s mouth parted…but not in surprise. More like he couldn’t breathe.
Reminding himself not to be a world-revolves-around-me asshole, Qhuinn brought it back to what was happening between Blay and Saxton.
“I don’t want that for you,” he said, his eyes roaming around that face. “You’ve suffered enough, and I know you love him. I’m sorry….I’m so sorry…”
Blay just stood in front of him, his expression frozen, his eyes darting around as if they couldn’t light on anything. But he didn’t pull back, jerk away, storm off. He stayed…right where he was.
“I’m sorry.”
Qhuinn watched from a vast distance as his own hand reached out and touched Blay’s face, the fingertips running over the five o’clock shadow. “I’m sorry.”
Oh, God, to touch him. To feel the warmth of his skin, to inhale his clean, masculine scent.
“I’m sorry.”
What the fuck was he doing? Man…too late to answer that—he was reaching forward with his other hand and putting the palm on that heavy shoulder.
“I’m sorry.”
Oh, God, he was drawing Blay in, pulling that body up against his own. “I’m sorry.”
He moved one of his hands to the nape of Blay’s neck and pushed it deep into the thick hair that curled under there. “I’m sorry.”
Blay was stiff, that spine straight as an arrow, his arms remaining around his tight belly. But after a moment, almost as if he were confused by his own reaction, the male began to lean in, that weight shifting subtly at first, and then more so.
With a quick jerk, Qhuinn wrapped his arms around the single most important person in his life. It was not Layla, although he felt a pang at that denial. It was not John, or his king. It wasn’t the Brothers.
This male was his reason for everything.
And even though it killed him that Blay was in love with someone else, he’d fucking take this. It had been too long since he’d touched the guy…and never like this.
“I’m sorry.”
Palming the back of Blay’s head, he urged the male closer to him, tucking that face into his own neck. “I’m sorry.”
As Blay went with it, Qhuinn shuddered, turning his own face inward, breathing in fully, pulling all of the sensations deep into his brain so he could remember this forever. And while his palm rubbed up and down, soothing that muscled back, he did what he could to make amends for so much more than his cousin’s infidelity. “I’m sorry—”
With a quick shift, Blay shook his head. Shook himself free. Pushed back.
Pushed away.
Qhuinn’s shoulders dropped. “I’m sorry.”
For fuck’s sake, he’d always wanted him—to the point where he had to wonder how much of that pushing-away thing that he’d done “for Blay’s benefit” hadn’t really been for his own.
As hard as it was to accept compassion from Qhuinn…it was downright impossible to witness it being imparted on someone else—even if they more than deserved it.
How ironic, he thought. Nearly two years ago, an Honor Guard of black robes had been sent to him to make sure he knew his family didn’t want him. And now, here these males were, come to draw him into a different kind of fold—that was every bit as strong as that of blood.