Comedy Quotes

“Nothing gives you confidence like being a member of a small, weirdly specific, hard-to-find demographic.”
― Mindy Kaling, Is Everyone Hanging Out Without Me?

“College wasn't like the real world. In the real world people dropped names based on their renown. In college, people dropped names based on their obscurity.”
― Jeffrey Eugenides, The Marriage Plot

“If you don't want to tear off the clothes of the person you're on a date with and jump into bed with them, then what's the point? I'd never date; instead, I'd have lots of good friends and hug them a lot and life would be easier and neater and uncomplicated.”
― Rachel Machacek, The Science of Single: One Woman's Grand Experiment in Modern Dating, Creating Chemistry, and Finding Love

“To call that writing, madam, is an insult to quills and ink across the world.”
― Julia Quinn, To Catch an Heiress

“Take care of your costume and your confidence will take care of itself.”
― Amit Kalantri, Wealth of Words

“Once bitten twice shy? Sure, but... why not get a bigger dog and bite them back?”
― A.A. Bell , Hindsight

“Those of you who are not aware of my brilliant career as a stand up comic, I'm not aware of it either so we might well wonder what we're doing here.”
― Alan Rickman

“He stares at me, and then leans back in his chair. "He's ill, Jacob."
I say nothing.
"He's a paragon schnitzophonic."
"He's what?!"
"Paragon schnitzophonic," repeats Uncle Al.
"You mean paranoid schizophrenic?"
"Sure. Whatever. But the bottom line is he's mad as a hatter...”
― Sara Gruen, Water for Elephants

“Recent studies have shown that approximately 40% of authors are manic depressive. The rest of us just drink.”
― Melodie Campbell, Rowena Through the Wall

“What did Kevin Ye get arrested for anyway? Didn't he steal a car?"
"He stole the driver's ed car."
I laughed. Then I saw how Adam was looking at me.
"He gave it back."
"They MAKE you give stuff back, Lori, after they arrest you for stealing it.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“I need to explain all this to Adam in private. I can't get McGillicuddy to explain it to him. Something will be lost in translation."
"Well, excuse me that I can't look at him all googly-eyed," my brother said.
"And he's liable to punch you," I said.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Because I'm on the phone, Mom!"
"Fooling around with your friends again! Who is that?"
"Ahmadinejad."
"Oh, my goodness! What is he saying?"
"That he wants to see Jeezy at the Beacon tonight. Putin's going too. He scalped a ticket from Kim Jong Il. All tha gangstas are going."
"Don't be so fresh, young man!"
"Gotta go," he says to me. "Enemy forces have dropped a Momshell."
"Fall back, solider. Over and out.”
― Jennifer Donnelly, Revolution

“We are indeed drifting into the arena of the unwell.”
― Bruce Robinson, Withnail and I: the Original Screenplay

“If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!”
― Janet Evanovich

“Never mind that. What's going on with you and Heath?"

Annabelle pulled a little wide-eyed innocence out of her rusty bag of college acting skills.
"What do you mean? Business."

"Don't give me that. We've been friends too long."

She switched to a furrowed brow. "He's my most important client. You know how much this means to me."

Molly wasn't buying it. "I've seen the way you look at him. Like he was a slot machine with triple sevens tattooed on his forehead. If you fall in love with him, I swear I'll never speak to
you again."

Annabelle nearly choked. She'd known Molly would be suspicious, but she hadn't expected an outright confrontation. "Are you nuts? Setting aside the fact that he treats me like a flunky, I'd never fall for a workaholic after what I've had to go through with my family." Falling in lust, however, was an entirely different matter.

"He has a calculator for a heart," Molly said.
"I thought you liked him.”
― Susan Elizabeth Phillips, Match Me If You Can

“... Corellian curses being a synergistic blend of vulgarity, obscenity, and outright blasphemy that were the only things really worth saying when one was in the middle of being blown to monatomic dust.”
― Matthew Stover

“You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.”
― craig ferguson

“You took a bath without me?"
I smiled to myself at the accusation in his voice.”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex, Lies and Vampires

“That's why ears have cartilage, to keep them from flapping.”
― Bill Cosby

“He sighed, then said, "So basically, you're stalking her."
"I am NOT stalking her." I insisted.
"That's where you come in. If I followed her by myself, someone who did not understand the situation and did not realize that I am so responsible-"
McGillicuddy snorted.
"- might mistake what I am doing for stalking.
However, her big brother is with me. Therefore we are protecting her.”
― Jennifer Echols, Endless Summer

“Our family was nearly torn apart on several occasions by arguments started when the refrigerator door was open for what my father deemed as ‘too long.”
― Weston Locher, Musings on Minutiae

“The stalker, meanwhile, stepped into the road. Didn’t even check for traffic. There wasn’t any, but something told me this was lucky for traffic rather than the stalker.”
― Graham Parke, No Hope for Gomez!

“I don't like this."
"I know you don't, my little spaetzel. But I am too worn out to run from both the police and your murderous twin, and Damian's looking peaky, plus Christian did apologize for trying to kill us earlier."
"I wasn't talking about that. It's your lamentable habit of using completely unsuitable love names for me that gives me grief," Adrian groused. "I am not a lambypie, nor am I a spaetzel.”
― Katie MacAlister, Sex, Lies and Vampires

“Your highness, when I said that you are like a stream of bat's piss, I only mean that you shine out like a shaft of gold when all around it is dark”
― Monty Python

“At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.”
― craig ferguson

“I cannot understand the principle at all,' said Stephen. 'I should very much like to show it to Captain Aubrey, who is so very well versed in the mathematics and dynamics of sailing. Landlord, pray ask him whether he is willing to part with the instrument.'
Not on your fucking life,' said the Aboriginal, snatching the boomerang and clasping it to his bosom.
He says he does not choose to dispose of it, your honour,' said the landlord. 'But never fret. I have a dozen behind the bar that I sell to ingenious travelers for half a guinea. Choose any one that takes your fancy, sit, and Bennelong will throw it to prove it comes back, a true homing pigeon, as we say. Won't you?' This much louder, in the black man's ear.
Won't I what?'
Throw it for the gentleman.'
Give um dram.'
Sir, he says he will be happy to throw it for you; and hopes you will encourage him with a tot of rum. (pp. 353-354)”
― Patrick O'Brian

“Well I beat things around with my stick once in awhile.”
― Kira4Inu, Last Shred of Hope

“You know when you send a text message to someone and you don't get a response right away, you feel depressed? You send a text message to someone you really like and you get a response right away you feel happy? You feel happy, the body, it creates the chemical dopamine, the dopamine, it goes through your blood and you become addicted to that dopamine rush, and you associate that dopamine rush with the happy feeling of receiving the text, and that's why you got people sending 3,000 fucking text messages a day, right, we're not even paying attention to what we're saying anymore it's just like a, like a morphine drip, right, it's like a dopamine drip! HAPPY BUTTONS! HAPPY BUTTONS! HAPPY BUTTONS! TIME TO PLAY WITH THE HAPPY BUTTONS!”
― Tom Green

“One jests because one wants to contemplate.”
― Plotinus, The Essential Plotinus

“When I was in my single digits, I was subjected to the worst torture you can possibly inflict on a child: Catholic mass.”
― Tyler Oakley, Binge