Humourous Quotes

“In short, not only was it surprising to be greeted in person with such enthusiastic words, but it was doubly surprising when the person reciting these words displayed the same kind of disengagement as, say, the checkout clerk who utters the words 'Have a nice day' while her expression indicates that it's really a matter of total indifference to her whether you drop dead in the parking lot outside ten seconds from now.”
― David Foster Wallace, The Pale King

“It was possible she’d been too focused on her need for another cocktail to realize we were witnessing one of the portents of the apocalypse. ”The Luidaeg is singing Disney songs.”
― Seanan McGuire, The Brightest Fell

“He’s the thing my teenage fantasies were made of. Woodsy male scent. Muscular, yet trim frame. A quick wit that always finds a way to pull me into a debate.”
― Kendall Ryan, Hitched: Volume One

“At some indeterminate point in their life cycles, they cause themselves to be placed in artificial stone or wooden cocoons, or chrysalises. They have an idea that they will someday emerge from these in an altered state, which they symbolize with carvings of themselves with wings. However, we did not observe that any had actually done so.”
― Margaret Atwood, Good Bones

“He did not like me and I did not like him, though I tried harder than he to conceal my dislike.”
― Richard Wright, Black Boy

“A fool, a fool! I met a fool i' the forest,
A motley fool; a miserable world!
As I do live by food, I met a fool
Who laid him down and bask'd him in the sun,
Andrail'd on Lady Fortune in good terms,
In good set terms and yet a motley fool.
'Good morrow, fool,' quoth I. 'No, sir,' quoth he,
'Call me not fool till heaven hath sent me fortune:'
And then he drew a dial from his poke,
And, looking on it with lack-lustre eye,
Says very wisely, 'It is ten o'clock:
Thus we may see,' quoth he, 'how the world wags:
'Tis but an hour ago since it was nine,
And after one hour more 'twill be eleven;
And so, from hour to hour, we ripe and ripe,
And then, from hour to hour, we rot and rot;
And thereby hangs a tale.' When I did hear
The motley fool thus moral on the time,
My lungs began to crow like chanticleer,
That fools should be so deep-contemplative,
And I did laugh sans intermission
An hour by his dial. O noble fool!
A worthy fool! Motley's the only wear.”
― William Shakespeare, As You Like It

“But it is infamous that they have not told you!’ declared Eustacie. ‘Je n’en reviendrai jamais!’
‘If it’s all the same to you, miss, I’d just as soon you’d talk in a Christian language,’ said Mr. Stubbs.”
― Georgette Heyer, The Talisman Ring

“Even the ones you don't like, you like better in Paris.”
― Janice MacLeod, Paris Letters: A Travel Memoir about Art, Writing, and Finding Love in Paris

“One can hardly do anything productive when one knows there is cake in the fridge.”
― Joyce Rachelle

“See, because being Coll is obviously the most important thing on earth. It's more important than getting a job, or having a girlfriend, or political power, or money, because all those things are predicated by Coolness. They happen because of it. They depend on it.”
― Ned Vizzini

“When I wanted to quit smoking cannabis a few years ago and found that I couldn’t do it under my own steam I went in search of a self-help book to show me the way. Annoyingly all I could find were books on how to cultivate the damn stuff. So to exact my revenge on the world of publishing I decided to one day write that book myself.”
― Chris Sullivan, The Joy of Quitting Cannabis: Freedom From Marijuana

“In my body’s effort to conserve itself, rather than attempt any movement outside, I have begun eating more sugar than is good for me. Sugar, while a comfort to many, is a detriment to those with my various physical complaints, and even a spoonful could plunge me into violent agony. It is a pleasurable agony, at least, and in my depression and desperation to have anything that resembled nutrition, I ate half a jar of chocolate spread. I know I should not buy these things. I seldom give in to such cibarious cagmaggery, even when it is On Sale, but when summer is imminent, I will do anything to feel better, including eat something that will make me regret my folly.

I am currently crippled on the floor and awaiting death, or I am lately dead and have taught my undead form to use a keyboard, I cannot tell which. I am no longer hot, however, and there is some comfort, whether I am dead or alive. I would rather be alive, I think, if only to buy more chocolate spread.”
― Michelle Franklin, I Hate Summer: My tribulations with seasonal depression, anxiety, plumbers, spiders, neighbours, and the world.

“But as human happiness is of a very short duration, so in those days were human fashions upon which it entirely depends.”
― Jonathan Swift, A Tale of a Tub

“There is nothing more American than buying a Japanese car on the 4th of July”
― Johnny Corn

“Never worry about what you say to a man. They're so conceited that they never believe you mean it if it's unflattering.”

-Caroline to Ursual.”
― Agatha Christie

“When in a frying pan, thank your stars. You will reminisce about it moments later, when you fall in the fire.”
― Prashant Yadav, The Jeera Packer

“Do you want me to tell you the truth?" he asked softly.

"No I want you to bullshit me please.”
― Saurbh Katyal, The Invisible Woman

“Sometimes I pretend I have an insomnia problem when what I really have is a good book and a lack of respect for tomorrow's schedule.”
― Anonymous

“What did the soup say to the tea plate?
"You're too shallow for me. I like deep dish to dip right into!" I still keep my British humour in good taste. No room for egos or rumours.”
― Ana Claudia Antunes

“The matron glanced at the old man and suppressed a smile. “He is absolutely miserable.”

“I enjoy miserable. It gives one a contrast to all the delectabilities of life. But is he housebroken, inpala? He is rather rumpled. He will look well on my ship, but will he wash well? Do professors fray as a general rule? I will not have my ship looking ragged.”

“They do tend to fade after a few years of hard use.”
― Michelle Franklin

“He’d reached that perilous stage of being drunk enough to think himself a good dancer… but was dangerously close in tipping over to the point where he’d act like an arse”
― Iain Clements, Tweet Of Faith

“If you're not smarter than your phone, then you aren't smart at all.”
― Sarvesh Jain, The Awakening Wisdom of Life: Probably the best Quotation Book in the world

“Having fun?” said George.
“Yes, Mr Lane,” said Dinkesh. “Kenny has just flown out of the window.”
“That’s nice,” said George, banishing from his mind the thought that children as young as Kenny and Dinkesh would be daft enough to take drugs in their bedrooms.”
― Mark Gorton, The Utterly Amazing BUMBLING-BOY VS. THE GREEN BOGEY: To bee or not to bee, that is the question

“When you say fair, Samantha,” said Mr Green through a peculiar smile, “do you mean one of those travelling fleets of vehicles that arrive and set up things like spinning Waltzers and Big Wheels and all manner of machines that whizz people around in circles and up and down and from side to side? Machines that could...” Mr Green turned away and his unnatural smile became even more unsettling... “easily go wrong!”
― Mark Gorton, The Utterly Amazing BUMBLING-BOY VS. THE GREEN BOGEY: To bee or not to bee, that is the question

“Curiosity kills!”
― Godswill C Olemgbe

“All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humour. They don't have to be funny, just need to be able to recognise how hilarious I am.”
― Ade Bozzay

“Brussel Sprouts are bad for your health, Scientists have shown that everyone who ever ate a Sprout between the years 1762 and 1815 are now death. You have been warned”
― Ade Bozzay

“It is true money will not buy you real happiness, but as a personal preference I would much rather have an angry strangle wank in the comfort of a private jet en route to Monte Carlo, than in a broom closet in the basement of a seedy crack house in Bangkok”
― Ade Bozzay, The Moaning of Loaf

“I felt my heart flutter on seeing her. Either I was in love or last night's whisky and finger chips were causing acidity.”
― Saurbh Katyal, The Invisible Woman

“I put the cup down and gave Neha a hard stare, showing her I was not amused. If I wanted to get insulted by a fat woman over bad food, I would have just flown Air India.”
― Saurbh Katyal, The Invisible Woman