Sarcastic Humor Quotes

“...bravo...' Mister Kindly said,'..if only I had hands to applaud..'
Mia smacked her backside. 'I'd settle for lips to kiss my sweet behind.
'...I would have to find it first...'
Arses are like fine wine, Mister Kindly. Better too little than too much.
' ...a beauty and a philosopher. be still my beating heart...' The not-cat looked down at its translucent chest '...O,wait...”
― Jay Kristoff, Nevernight

“A lot of people are alive because I shed too much hair to get away with murder.”
― Darynda Jones, The Dirt on Ninth Grave

“Just kissing?" Jace's tone mocked her with its false hurt. "How swiftly you dismiss our love”
― Cassandra Clare, City of Bones

“I'll never understand ninety-nine percent of humanity. - Enoch”
― Ransom Riggs, Hollow City

“Brian's face broke out in a wide grin as he slapped Roarke on the back. "That's a woman, isn't it?"

"Delicate as a rose, my Eve. Fragile and quiet natured." He grinned himself when he heard her curse, loud and vicious. "A voice like a flute."

"And you're sloppy in love with her."

"Pitifully.”
― J.D. Robb, Vengeance in Death

“What is it with people wanting to kill me lately? I’m starting to take it personally.”
― Heather R. Blair, Sixpence & Whiskey

“If this constant bitter disappointment was love, then I was perfectly fine not to have anything to do with it.”
― Vann Chow, Shanghai Nobody

“Why do people who so obviously hate children have so many of them? Audrey asked...Because they hate everyone else more. Their bratty kids are their revenge on a society that has denied them the riches they so rightly deserve.”
― Shaun David Hutchinson, We Are the Ants

“It's not that we have more patience as we grow older, it's just that we're too tired to care about all the pointless drama”
― Karen Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations

“Ove looks at the group assembled around him, as if he's been kidnapped and taken to a parallel universe. For a moment he thinks about swerving off the road, until he realises that the worst case scenario would be that they all accompanied him into the afterlife.”
― Fredrik Backman, A Man Called Ove

“Whoosh! went the bluebird of sarcasm, zooming miles above Dale’s head.”
― Sarah Rees Brennan, The Turn of the Story

“unsettling, like seeing Stalin on a skateboard.”
― David Nicholls, Starter for Ten

“I’d venture to guess that a list of things you know nothing about could fill volumes.”
― Heidi Schulz, Hook's Revenge

“While you were out JUDGING others, you left your closet door open...and guess what fell out!....Ooops”
― Karen Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations

“You're going on a date with the devil. All you need is some pepper spray and a fire extinguisher.”
― Krista Ritchie, Becca Ritchie

“Doubt you’d find anyone as dashingly charming as me”
― Veronica Purcell, I'm Kita Duran

“… but as even the stupidest toddler knows, covering your eyes makes you invisible.”
― Heidi Schulz, Hook's Revenge

“His son Peter Bucky happily spent time driving Einstein around, and he later wrote down some of his recollections in extensive notebooks. They provide a delightful picture of the mildly eccentric but deeply un-affected Einstein in his later years. Peter tells, for example, of driving in his convertible with Einstein when it suddenly started to rain. Einstein pulled off his hat and put it under his coat. When Peter looked quizzical, Einstein explained: “You see, my hair has withstood water many times before, but I don’t know how many times my hat can.”
― Walter Isaacson, Einstein: His Life and Universe

“Leave Dad alone" I told Aislinn. "His Britishness is sort-circuiting.”
― Rachel Hawkins, Spell Bound

“140characters is twitter's simple way of saying 'know your limits”
― Prajakta Mhadnak

“You’re starting to sound like one of those songs that DJ’s play when they wanna clear out the dancefloor.”
― Alex Bergauer, The Dissolve

“Take care with the words you speak, it's best to keep them sweet..... because you never know when you might have to eat them!”
― Karen Gibbs, A Gallery of Scrapbook Creations

“I wanted a real diary, but there wasn't time to visit a stationery store, so instead I ran down to Thrift Drug and got you. According to your cover, you're an 'Official Popeye the Sailor Spiral-Bound Notebook, copyright © 1959 King Features Syndicate.' When I look into your wizened face, Popeye, I know you're a man I can trust.”
― James K. Morrow, Towing Jehovah

“It’s like a jolt of electricity, but worse.”
― Lee Davidson, Satellite

“If Sam told him, I'd have to kill Sam. Since I didn't have the stomach for outright murder, I'd break his coffee maker.”
― Melissa Haag, Hope(less)

“You better learn to regulate your perspiration. This is not collision theft. To flush is a sign that you’re hard at work. Nobody works hard riding the tram—not even the driver.”
― Martyn V. Halm, In Pocket

“it seems politicians projected the powerful brand called Ambedkar, rather than his ideologies. Like the ad says 'name is enough.”
― Anoop Raghav

“I really have to befriend this asshole?” I whispered harshly to Dilmore “Yep.”
“Well thanks Dilmore this is going to turn out swell.”
― Charon Lloyd-Roberts, Putsch: Volume I Chapter Sampler

“Oh. Sure. It makes perfect sense. Zane is a wolf because his father is an eagle.”
― C.J. Milbrandt, Into the Hills: A Zane Johns Adventure

“I've lived my life devoid of the whole teenage angst for so long, I'm not sure I can handle all this. I'm not built dor it.”
― Lindsey Ouimet, What's a Soulmate?