I wish I would have had this book when I was a parent of young children. By far and away, by miles and miles my favorite parenting book of all time. YI wish I would have had this book when I was a parent of young children. By far and away, by miles and miles my favorite parenting book of all time. You are good inside, your children are good inside, connection is the key, we don't have to be perfect, it's never too late, repair, repair, repair! Love. Love. Love. ...more
I really enjoyed this book a lot. I totally whole heartedly believe that our systems are set up to serve the powerful and fail the powerless and that I really enjoyed this book a lot. I totally whole heartedly believe that our systems are set up to serve the powerful and fail the powerless and that these systems have dramatic and toxic, real and measurable health outcomes for the powerless. And the powers that be don't care. There was a quote that went something like, "it's not that they *want* to destroy us, it's just that they don't *care* if they do destroy us as they seek their goals" Anyhow. Toxic culture, people sick. I agree, and I really enjoy his writing, his stories, and his examples. Mostly.
there were times where Mate made me a little bit uncomfortable by hum . . . how to say it . . . maybe . . oversimplifying or overstating the power of the mind to cure/heal the body and the emotional mechanisms that result in physical illness. I do actually think he includes a lot of the complexity, but . . . I felt squirmy when he would introduce a chapter by telling about someone with a "uncurable" disease who cured themselves with the power of their minds, and only then went on to talk about people who didn't manage to survive. I don't think he intended (what do i know about his intentions) (well he did state a lot that he did not in any way want to blame people for their illness)(so there) but somehow, it still sorta sometimes felt like he was sorta kinda implying that you could cure your disease with your brain, which he didn't actually say, and he would actually say the opposite of that. Namely that people need good environments to grow into health. So i don't know how it felt that way to me, but it just did sometimes. ...more
I had this book recommended to me one million times, and It is a good book on a topic that is essential to mental health. I think it's fine. It's needI had this book recommended to me one million times, and It is a good book on a topic that is essential to mental health. I think it's fine. It's needed. It's good solid important information and tools for increasing self-compassion, we all need those. Love the topic. It's not written in a way I found super compelling, and also, privilege, ugh. so much privilege and some really awkward painful cultural appropriation. And the sex stuff isn't great either. ...more
Wow! LOVE LOVE LOVE. I'm often annoyed by happiness. Not the actual experience of happiness, but rather with everyone's obsession with the feeling of Wow! LOVE LOVE LOVE. I'm often annoyed by happiness. Not the actual experience of happiness, but rather with everyone's obsession with the feeling of happiness. This is such a great exploration of the longing and discomfort and more complex emotions that make life so freaking interesting and powerful. I love every thing about this book. ...more
I can not recommend this book enough. Loneliness is making us sick, physically, mentally, emotionally. We need friends. I can not scream this from theI can not recommend this book enough. Loneliness is making us sick, physically, mentally, emotionally. We need friends. I can not scream this from the roof tops loud enough.
This book provides both the why and the how to, in really helpful ways. Please read this book, then do all the things to make your friendships and your life, powerful and meaningful. ...more
I really love "internal family systems" and I think this book does a great job of laying out the basics for readers who are not trained, and could be I really love "internal family systems" and I think this book does a great job of laying out the basics for readers who are not trained, and could be very helpful for people who can afford therapy, or who don't want to go for whatever reason.
My one reservation is actually Schwartz's end note, where he gets very "woo" about our "parts" being "real" in like some kind of "god" "universe" "woo woo" way. It made me uncomfortable and I wish he'd left that out. I mean he can think/believe what he wants, but for me and my clients who have feels about religious language, I don't think it was the right book/context for that kind of thing.
I still recommend the book, I think it's great. Just maybe skip that bit at the very end if you feel the way I do. ...more
This is BY FAR my new favorite *attachment theory* book. Every single attachment theory book that i have read aimed at monogamous couples I have foundThis is BY FAR my new favorite *attachment theory* book. Every single attachment theory book that i have read aimed at monogamous couples I have found to be in some way either reinforcing of or blind to unfair power dynamics that are typical in cis-het couples. And *rarely* if ever considerate of non-cis-het couples. Which has been very frustrating. There are many excellent attachment theory books out there, but every single one of them I feel like I have to include some kind of disclaimer or trigger warning- as in "this is a mostly a really good book, but the chapter on sexuality is total nonsense" or "this is a very useful book, but just skip that part where it talks about "putting your partner first" because your narcissistic partner will for sure interpret that as you not rising to his standards again" or "this book has tons of great information but it is barely mentions non-straight couples, I'm so sorry I wish I had a better book to recommend!" Ha! Now I do! Very exciting!
I truly deeply love every single thing about this book. My one critique, which is not a critique of this book, but a critique of the privilege we are all blind to at times, is that I wish there was one just like it for folks who want to be monogamous. - it's so hard to get folks who are privileged (monogamy privilege) to believe that a book written for someone outside of their privileged group could be the best book for them, and for us all. Blerg. ...more
I've had so many clients ask me about this book, I'm really glad i finally read it. This is an excellent guide to ethically and responsibly moving thrI've had so many clients ask me about this book, I'm really glad i finally read it. This is an excellent guide to ethically and responsibly moving through an exploration of sexuality. I really appreciate the sex positivity and the solid mental health information included in this book....more
I feel (very) cautiously optimist about this book. Let me explain. I feel like I can't just be happy about this book, because every single time I readI feel (very) cautiously optimist about this book. Let me explain. I feel like I can't just be happy about this book, because every single time I read or hear something by some dude who is trying to "get it" (I mean to see the damage they do, through their power and privilege,and have real empathy for the people they hurt) I find out later that that man sexually harassed someone. Or was creepy or power-blind in some other awful very bad way. So . . . while Fray has done nothing that I am aware of to deserve me feeling like he is "Schrödinger's Rapist" It just feels so inevitable. Which isn't Fray's fault (as far as I am aware), I freakin' hate the patriarchy.
Having said that.
I have never read anything that so clearly and effectively outlines (from a male perspective) the ways that men cluelessly and recklessly do harm in relationships by relying on women's emotional and invisible labor. And that clearly lays out the invalidation and relationship damage that men inflict on a pretty much universal level, while not demonizing men (individually) for being so darn bad at relationships. (how the patriarchy hurts men too, sigh)
I am so happy that this book exists, and i wish every man would read it, and I doubt very many men will read it, because privilege. Sigh.
There are OBVIOUSLY still privilege problems in this book. First of all, HE really needs to give some disclaimers up front. This is book by a cis straight white man with lots of privilege, and i don't think that it'll be a useful book for anyone outside of that audience. While he says a few things here and there about non-straight folks, this book just does not apply to them.
Second, as always, because i work with so many women in relationships that are abusive and controlling, I always feel like relationships books fall short of addressing their unique situations, there are a lot of suggestions in this book that are wonderful great suggestions in relationships with no elements of abuse or control (for instance the whole chapter on putting your partner first), that would be just plain ol' bad advice for women in abusive situations.
I really do wish every cis straight white man in the world would read this book. And take it deeply to heart. Not even just because of the damage they wreak in their relationships, but also because the cis straight white men (in my counseling experience) are lonely, and sad, and don't understand why the people around them are hurting so much, and why they are hurting so much. They be happier too, if they could understand some basic relationship skills and just stop. Freakin' hate the patriarchy. ...more
This book is amazing and disturbing and powerful. Jeannette mcCurdy is a great writer with a knack for writing tragic horrible things with humor and eThis book is amazing and disturbing and powerful. Jeannette mcCurdy is a great writer with a knack for writing tragic horrible things with humor and empathy....more
I really enjoyed the way Montell laid out the similarities between how "cultish" language plays out in dangerous cults and also MLMs and soul cycle, aI really enjoyed the way Montell laid out the similarities between how "cultish" language plays out in dangerous cults and also MLMs and soul cycle, and the acknowledgment that cultishness is a spectrum (just like everything). I don't think there is anything new or super insightful here, but it's a solid read full of solid informatin. ...more
I'm currently in a cult-obsession, reading and watching all the cult things. Loved this. I was surprised at how many similarities there were between "I'm currently in a cult-obsession, reading and watching all the cult things. Loved this. I was surprised at how many similarities there were between "The Brethren" and my own upbringing in Mormonism (particularly in that both are "restoration" movement religions founded at about the same time in history.) Many differences as well. A very compelling easy to read and balanced narrative. Very satisfying....more
Lots of interesting and useful information. much of the information here is also in Seven Principals, which I think is overall a better book. My favorLots of interesting and useful information. much of the information here is also in Seven Principals, which I think is overall a better book. My favorite insight from this book was the three types of stable relationships: validating/avoiding/volatile and the challenge this is to my profession (therapist) to see the positive sin different ways of relating. ...more