As far as abysmally crappy movies go, The Final Sacrifice isn't so bad. Sure, it's technically inept in just about every way, features horrible dialogue, and doesn't have a character in the entire film with a realistic name (the fact that the director signs his checks "Tjardus Greidanus" goes a long way towards explaining this phenomena), but it's got something most films in its class lack: heart. I'd say Greidanus is akin to the famous Ed Wood, in that he shows not a shred of talent but at least seemed to believe in what he did. Rather than slapping a recycled costume on an assistant director and creating yet another lame, lousy creature feature with an insipid story, he tried to create something original, new, and interesting. He failed miserably, but at least he tried.
The plot revolves around a pre-Internet nerd named Troy, who, apparently, spends his time digging stuff out of the attic that relates to his father's death somehow, stares at it for a while, and then gives up on figuring out what happened and just puts it all away again. He lucks out when a ski-masked cult randomly decides to come looking for a map that leads to a lost city, even though they could have come any time in the seven years prior but for some reason decided to let him grow old enough to somehow thwart their entire incompetent organization with the help of a beer-guzzling, mullet-endowed drifter...but I get ahead of myself.
So anyway, Troy is forced to go outside the house for the first time in a decade and somehow winds up in the truck bed of the aforementioned drifter, who manages to deliver his name, Zap Rowsdower, with a straight face. Even the nerdy kid understands how embarrassing it is to call a grown man "Zap," so he (repeatedly) refers to him as "Rowsthdower," which isn't really much of an improvement. Anyhow, some other stuff happens, involving a gray-bearded, oh-my-god-I-can't-believe-people-like-this-actually-exist-type character named Mike Pipper, who explains some less-than-interesting exposition explaining what they're up against and what's at stake--the world, of course! After looking thoroughly unconcerned, our heroes, though they couldn't pool together enough mental resources to open a can of tuna (though Rowsdower has a lot of experience opening cans...of beer...), find a way to overthrow the muscleheaded cult, defeat the villainous Satoris (a man with a voice deeper than the lead singer of Type O Negative), knock over a pole, raise the lost cardboard miniature of Ziox, and save all of Canada, acting like it's some sort of major accomplishment all the while. The movie ends with an inspiring shot of Troy and Zap in the Zapmobile, going somewhere for some reason. My bet is that it involved beer and cheese.
