La bestia in calore

Luckily by the time I put this film on I'd drank about six cans of Stella, which meant that when the shaky video to DVD transfer came on screen my brain was perfectly tuned to the trembling, wavery image that greeted me.

The Beast in Heat is a sleazy video nasty of the Nazi-sploitation type, which means lesbian action, pubic hair, rape, torture and all sorts of crap, poorly executed so much that it begins after a while (and several cans of Stella) to look like an episode of You've Been Framed.

The story? I can't really remember, but I'll describe the first scene. Some Nazi chick (I first thought her name was Dr Crash, then Dr Crap, but on the back of the DVD box it says that her name is Krast) throws a local Italian woman to some freaky pig-like creature, who begins to rape her. We get loads of close ups of his buttocks gyrating about two feet away from her body. And she has her legs closed. Dr Crap asks a German soldier if he's excited, to which he replies yes, and gets a slap for his trouble. Then Dr Crap asks this German chick if she's excited, and the chick says she's excited for the progress of the experiment, and she gets a kiss. Meanwhile, the Italian chick dies because she's begun to realise how this film will turn out.

This is classic exploitation stuff, and I mean classic in the sense that it follows the usual pattern these films do - you get some sleaze and violence at the start, then some boring bits, then more sleaze, then more boring bits, then the end of the film. In this film some partisans are brought in to pad out the story, along with a bumbling German officer. Not much of this is of any interest to anyone. In fact it seemed to me that my Stella-addled brain was switching off each time these guys were featured in a scene.

What I gathered was that one of the hookers who has really badly-staged sex with the German officer is a spy, and lets on to the partisans that there's some bad doings going down over in Nazi town, which involves all those Italian partisan chicks that keep disappearing. Things like being eaten by rats, tortured by Dr Cramps (did she have to do that topless?), and best (worst?) of all, having their fake pubes ripped off by the beast and eaten. Later I was lucky enough to wake up in time to see Dr Craptastic getting thrown to beast, and get her comeuppance before one of the crew got fed up making the film and machine gunned everyone on set, or something.

Crap acting, crap direction, crap transfer. Another video nasty that doesn't live up to it's name, and basically all it boils down to is another Italian hack aiming purely to make cash through some crap genre or other. I had a hangover the next day...or was it this film? I recommend that this film be played at every Church in Britain instead of mass. Every Sunday.