Seth MacFarlane: Stewie Griffin • Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • ...

Stewie Griffin: The Untold Story

Stewie Griffin • Peter Griffin • Brian Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • Stuart 'Stu' Griffin • Bugs Bunny • Kool-Aid Guy • Additional Voices

Stew Griffin: [after having sex with Fran] Um... that's never happened before.
Fran: Which part? The eight seconds of sex or the 45 minutes of crying?
Stew Griffin: Uh, I guess both.
[pause]
Stew Griffin: Do I give you money now?
Fran: Yeah, I'm gonna go.

Peter Griffin: You know what really grinds my gears? This Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan with all those little outfits, jumping around there on stage, half-naked with your little outfits. Ya know? You're a... You're out there jumping around and I'm just sitting here with my beer. So, what am I supposed to do? What you want? You know, are we gonna go out? Is that what you're trying to - why why are you leaping around there, throwing those things all up in my, over there in my face? What do you want, Lindsay? Tell me what you want? Well, I'll tell you what you want, you want nothing. You want nothing. All right? Because we all know that no woman anywhere wants to have sex with anyone, and to titillate us with any thoughts otherwise is - is just bogus.

Stewie Griffin: Look, I really don't want to go to hell, but I can't stop my nature. I'm just a hateful person
Brian Griffin: You're not hateful you just need to control your anger. Like I do.
Stewie Griffin: oh, you mean by being sauced all day! Wait a minute! Of Course! That's it! If I'm drunk I'll be calm and if I'm calm I'll be nice, and if I'm nice then I won't go to hell. Fix me a highball I'm going to get good and tight!

Stewie Griffin: Let me tell you something *Nessa,* a bullet sounds the same in every language. So stick a fucking sock in it, you cow.

Peter Griffin: Save your money, Tucker. This place doesn't have porn. They think its immoral. You know, that really grinds my gears. Where in the bible does it say that a man can't fire off some knuckle-children in the privacy of his own neighbor's living room while his neighbor's at work because I don't have a DVD player? Well, I don't know where it says it because the Bible was way too long to read!

Peter Griffin: Kids, your mother and I have decided that we are gonna help you two get out in to dating world.
Lois Griffin: That's right. Chris, I'm gonna show you how to be an affable, desirable young man who doesn't smell like the inside of a wool hat.
Chris Griffin: Why you gotta break balls?
Peter Griffin: And Meg when I get through with you, you're gonna be beating guys off with both hands!
Meg Griffin: This is gonna be so fun!
Peter Griffin: Hey! Zip it! Rule number one: No speaky until the *man* speaky to *you*.

Lois Griffin: [During Intermission] Hey,Peter,could you go to the concession stand,I need something to suck on.
Glen Quagmire: Giggidy! Giggidy!

[on the red carpet at the premiere of the movie]
Tricia Takanawa: And here comes David Bowie! David, what brings you all the way to...
[Bowie puts his finger against her lip]
David Bowie: [seductively] Shh! Just you shut your mouth...
Tricia Takanawa: [suddenly speaking excitedly with a thick Japanese accent] OH,MAKE LOVE TO ME, ZIGGY STARDUST!
[She drops to her knees and clamps onto his leg]
Tricia Takanawa: I take you home, I make you fish bowl soup! Fish bowl!
[cut back to the Channel 5 studio]
Tom Tucker: [businesslike] Thank you, Tricia, for setting your people back a thousand years...

Stew Griffin: We'll have to borrow the money from mommy and daddy.
Stew Griffin: [Stewie leaps onto Stew's head and peels back his eyelids] AH!
Stewie Griffin: Never call them that again! It's Lois and the Fatman! Do you hear me?
Stew Griffin: Yes yes!

Stewie Griffin: [Stewie and Stu visit his family in the future. Lois greets them at the front door] She's still ALIVE? What the hell, man?

Brian Griffin: What are you doing?
Stewie Griffin: Well, you heard Captain Syphillis, we're going to California!
Brian Griffin: Oh come on, you can't go alone with Quagmire. Look, I tell you what. If you're serious about this
[sighs]
Brian Griffin: I'll go with you. Although I should probably ask Peter and Lois if it's okay.
Stewie Griffin: Oh, they won't even know we're gone.
[Stewie presses a button. Robotic duplicates of Brian and Stewie come out of a closet]
"Stewie Griffin" robot: Damn you, vile woman! Blast! What the deuce?
"Brian Griffin" robot: I am a tool. Stewie is better than me at everything, including arts and crafts and the guitar. I have no friends.

Stewie Griffin: [looking at Rupert, whose leg has been sewn back on] I say, what happened to his leg? Oh wait, now I remember.
[flashback to Brian and Stewie at the kitchen table]
Brian Griffin: You are really gonna sit there with a straight face and tell me a flat tax doesn't favor the wealthy.
Stewie Griffin: Not one bit. And it saves millions of man hours that the complexity of the current tax code wastes, which you would realize if you weren't retarded.
[Brian takes Rupert, cuts off his leg, and eats it]
Stewie Griffin: Hey, give him back - stop that - what are you doing? Give me back his leg!
Brian Griffin: [smirking] Oh, you'll get it back.