- VJ Emmie: Dinosaurs
- VJ Emmie: Ugandan Bruce Lee.
- VJ Emmie: We call him - Bruce U
- VJ Emmie: What the fu...
- VJ Emmie: I'm making German food.
- VJ Emmie: German food?
- VJ Emmie: We found German tourists. We are cooking them.
- VJ Emmie: Oh. Very, very good.
- VJ Emmie: Save me the head...
- VJ Emmie: like Predator!
- VJ Emmie: Tiger Mafia. The most deadliest gang in Uganda. They walk slow... 'cause they think slow. Slow, but sure. Mafioso.
- [the Commandos and Tiger Mafia thugs engage in hand-to-hand combat]
- VJ Emmie: This is serious! Everybody in Uganda knows kung-fu!
- [Captain Alex's Brother punches thug in the face]
- VJ Emmie: Ugandan kiss.
- [Ritah is being tortured by Richard's thugs]
- VJ Emmie: She was caught watching Nigerian movies.
- [Torturer continues to splash water on her and slap her as she screams in pain]
- VJ Emmie: This is Uganda. We watch Wakaliwood.
- [She spits at the torturer. Torturer burns a cigarette on her face]
- VJ Emmie: Forgive me. I'll never watch Nollywood again, please!
- VJ Emmie: The new military commander. He fights drugs. And uses drugs.
- [repeated line]
- VJ Emmie: MOVIE, MOVIE, MOVIE!
- VJ Emmie: The man is killing us, man!
- VJ Emmie: Drop da bomb man!
- [Captain Alex's brother catches a fish]
- VJ Emmie: Ohhh. I'm so hungry. Finally, I get to eat.
- [Captain Alex's brother puts the fish on the ground and continues fishing. Ritah picks up the fish]
- Ritah: Can I eat this one, too?
- [Captain Alex's brother looks at her]
- VJ Emmie: WHAT THE FU-?
- [the Commandos and Tiger Mafia start exchanging gunfire]
- VJ Emmie: The movie's on!
- [more gunfire]
- VJ Emmie: The movie's on!
- [more gunfire]
- VJ Emmie: The movie's on!
- [more gunfire]
- VJ Emmie: The tiger is in the cage!
- [the Ugandan military wounds and captures Richard]
- VJ Emmie: I did nothing!
- [the troops pull him up]
- VJ Emmie: I'm innocent!
- [as the troops escort Richard out of the jungle, he attempts to escape, but is pinned down and dragged away]
- VJ Emmie: You're all dead! I will kill you all... in sequel!
- VJ Emmie: He knows the way... of using a gun!
- VJ Emmie: I hope you enjoyed Captain Alex. And be sure, tell everyone... that Uganda is crazy!
- [the Tiger Mafia walks into the abandoned warehouse]
- VJ Emmie: You are watching 'Who Killed Captain Alex?', and the first VJ in English. Ever. This is how we enjoy movies in Uganda. And now... Captain Alex: The Musical.
- [an elevator music cover of ABBA's "Mamma Mia!" plays in the background while the Tiger Mafia walks in slow motion and a Commando watches behind a wall]
- VJ Emmie: This music is good.
- [repeated line]
- VJ Emmie: THE MOVIE'S ON!
- [repeated line]
- VJ Emmie: SUPA ACTION!
- [repeated line]
- VJ Emmie: You are watching Who Killed Captain Alex!
- VJ Emmie: HELLO!
- [last lines]
- Video Joker: Wait! Where are you going? Sit down! Wakaliwood will be back in...
- Video Joker: Ugandan Ninja!
- Video Joker: Bad Black!
- Video Joker: Revenge: The Ugandan Ghost Story!
- Video Joker: Crazy People.
- Video Joker: Eaten Alive... in Uganda! True story.
- Video Joker: Plan 9 from Uganda. This movie's a lie.
- Video Joker: Juba the Snake Girl. This one is crazy!
- Video Joker: Rescue Team. Best action-packed movie ever.
- Video Joker: Bukunja Tekunja Mitti: The Cannibals. And...
- Video Joker: Te Baa Te Baa Te Baa Te Baa Te Baa Te Baa Tu Sa Su Su Su Su La! Tebaatusasula!
- Video Joker: Ebola.
- Video Joker: Okay. You can go.
- [Richard storms into the Sergeant's office]
- Sergeant: Richard, what are you doing here?
- Richard: Ask me again, asshole! I want my baby brother!
- Sergeant: Richard, you don't understand. I have no power any more. It's all different with Captain Alex here.
- Richard: You think I'll just sit back as you try to eat me, as if I were a juicy grasshopper?
- Sergeant: Why should I lie? Believe me - Alex has complete control over me and the police.
- Richard: Suck my dick.
- Sergeant: Just get out!
- VJ Emmie: Heh!
- Richard: You can't intimidate me. And you know this, you diarrhea squirt. I will get my brother back!
- VJ Emmie: Bastard!
- Sergeant: You go out!
- [before Richard leaves, he notices a box of guns and grabs it]
- Richard: By the way, we're short on guns.
- Sergeant: No, those aren't mine. That's not funny.
- Richard: I'll give them a new home.
- Sergeant: Where are you going?
- Military Commander: Drug dealers - I know how they think. We need to attack very early - because I'm on vacation and want to go dancing later. Maybe go to the beach. That sound good to you?
- VJ Emmie: If you are watching 'Who Killed Captain Alex?', watch out for 'Bad Black'. See mzungu getting beaten. Alan Ssali starring. Coming soon, 'Bad Black'. Don't miss it.
- [Alex's brother wakes up on a makeshift bed on a tree]
- VJ Emmie: Hotel Kampala.
- [Alex's brother gets up]
- VJ Emmie: Time for exercise.
- [he starts unloading his bag from the tree]
- VJ Emmie: A master from Southern Hemisphere. Of Uganda.
- [he jumps off the tree]
- VJ Emmie: Ugandan Bruce Lee. We call him Bruce U.
- [he picks up his bag and some branches]
- VJ Emmie: He just want to be alone. To focus on vengeance. But first, he needs to eat.
- [he puts his bag down and prepares a fire]
- VJ Emmie: After breakfast, then training. A Supa Master of Kung Fu. A Supa Master of cooking.
- [he prepares to cook a fish]
- VJ Emmie: Oh, whoa, whoa. That looks good.
- [he suddenly notices something moving beside him]
- VJ Emmie: Crocodile? Dinosaur?
- [he removes the leaves and sees Richard's wife Ritah]
- VJ Emmie: Oh, Jesus! What's this?
- [he gives her a bottle of water]
- VJ Emmie: I've never seen... I've never seen a woman. Leave me alone.
- VJ Emmie: Will you marry me?
- VJ Emmie: [shows disgust] I prefer men.
- [Richard calls for a meeting with his thugs]
- VJ Emmie: Oh, oh.
- [Richard walks slowly in front of his thugs]
- VJ Emmie: Tiger Mafia base.
- Puffs: It was a surprise attack.
- Richard: Where's the stuff?
- Puffs: The briefcase is safe.
- Richard: As the leader of this base, what do you have to say?
- Puffs: Alex's soldiers were well-trained. There was nothing we could do.
- VJ Emmie: Morons.
- Richard: And what about my brother?
- Puffs: I was able to save the briefcase as well as your beautiful wife.
- Richard: What did you say? Instead of my brother, you saved this bitch?
- [Ritah takes off her sunglasses and charges at Richard]
- VJ Emmie: Who's the bitch?
- [Richard shoots her]
- VJ Emmie: You.
- VJ Emmie: Tiger Mafia.
- [Richard shoves another thug]
- Richard: I want you to bring me Captain Alex.
- [Richard punches Puffs and knocks him down]
- Richard: And you, bastard - I want my brother.
- [Richard grabs a piece of broken chair and throws it at a thug while everyone else runs off]
- Richard: Get out of here!
- Richard: Puffs - you failed me twice. How do you think that makes me feel? Why don't I see Captain Alex?
- Puffs: Someone got there before us and killed Captain Alex. But at least we captured two of his soldiers.
- [Richard points at the mercenary to his right]
- VJ Emmie: Mercenary.
- Richard: What the hell happened?
- [the mercenary does the money gesture]
- VJ Emmie: Gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme.
- [Richard slaps the mercenary down]
- Richard: Are you crazy? You want money for this? Did YOU kill him?
- Rock: No way, boss - it wasn't me! Please, don't kill me! Think of all my children.
- Richard: Bring the hostages.
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