Reviews
I.S.S. (2023)
Cool idea horribly handled
After finishing the movie I realized all I needed to do was read the plot outline and could have saved myself the time. How is such a cool premise fleshed out so poorly? Just a boring mesh of quasi-suspenseful moments. Some solid actors though, yet they come across bland and flat. Blech. Whatever questions you might have are NOT answered, and anything you wished was explored more is never even touched upon. Nothing fleshes out and you're left with a feeling of unsettled curiosity. The graphics are forgettable, and the scenes that show the Earth are more nondescript than if they showed a map on a wall. Overall just a waste of time. Maaaaaybe put it on in the background if you're folding laundry. Maybe.
Ricky (2009)
No thank you
What a boring movie. Nothing happens. At all. The plot is nowhere near close to what could have been an interesting movie. How do you take this premise and anger audiences with it? Was it on purpose that we all are incredibly angry now that we saw RICKY? There's no redeeming qualities, and in fact there's some creepy vibes between the 3 main character. The mom, her daughter, and her new lover PACO. The mom has no problem parading half naked, and apparently her and PACO don't even go to their private room before banging one out in the apartment while LISA is home. What a weird confusing unfun movie.
Gwledd (2021)
No.
Watching this movie is like watching an old man try to finish a 5 minute story in 90 minutes. This was torturous nonsensical dribble without a thread of entertainment. The Feast was NOT a slowburn, it was an attempt at being an actual movie but fell short, and now people are calling it an intentional slowburn. It's just slow, and I want to burn my eyes out. The story was flavorless, dry and bland, which is ironic given the movie's title. I watched this sorry attempt twice to see if I missed anything, but no. Watching it again just reaffirmed what I thought the first time: this is a very bad movie.
Archons (2018)
No way. Absolutely not.
This poorly made "going nowhere" movie is by far the worst I've seen in a very long time. I don't even understand how the plot synopsis applies to this movie. There's dudes in stupid costumes making clicky noises. That's it. The characters have no relatable bonds, and there isn't a single driving point. Nothing keeps this movie going. Anything that may explain what's going on ends up feeling like a last minute additon which makes a terrible movie even worse. I'm angry for having put effort and excitement into this train wreck. Again, please listen to me. There is NO redeeming qualities of this movie.
Room 6 (2006)
Ooof.... This one hurts but I loved it
Yowza this is not a good movie. Like at all. But it's fun and stupid and tries so hard that it's comical. Christine Taylor is gorgeous and always scared, Chloe Moretz Grace comes out of left field, and Jerry O'Connell is just perfect... Even though I have no idea who or what he was supposed to be. There's a cool little mystery of "what's going on" with a somewhat clean reveal. Most things though don't make any sense whatsoever and seem to just be thrown into the script. It's almost like a high schooler forgot he has an essay due after lunch and just rushes a 20 page paper with nonsense filler. It's glorious in all its flawed glory. Give this mess a shot, you have nothing to lose!
The Last Light (2014)
Low budget isn't an excuse to be lazy
This film just gives up. Some of the best stories, twists, turns, and characters come from low budget films. It can force filmakers to create something unique from literally nothing. Then there are low budget films that just give up on closure and finite conclussion because it adds to the "mystery" or "allure". NOPE. That's lazy. The Last Light serves up some good mystery and gets the audience to piece some good questions together, but it's almost as if you can see where funds just dried up and they slapped credits onto the last shot. Nothing is answered and it's not done in a "this or that" way. It's completely ambiguous with nothing substantial to go on. This isn't a movie to watch if you're going off tags or genre's alone. This movie isn't one to watch at all actually. But if you are looking for a writing prompt in your 11th grade english class, watch the last 10 minutes and I guarantee your teacher will give you at least a B+ for finishing this aborted movie.
Madame Web (2024)
Worse than you think...
Go ahead, and watch this movie. I encourage you to. I knew it was bad going in, but wow was I surprised at the new low this movie reached.
But I now have a newer, fresher perspective on movies that are very well done, and have passion behind them. The sterile vapid content of MADAME WEB is insulting to the viewer, Marvel fan or not, and there isn't an ounce of redemption throughout, all the way to the end when you hate yourself a little more.
Now go watch anything else that has some effort behind it, and it will be that much better to enjoy. MADAME WEB might just be the worst theatrical release of the past 2 - 3 years, and there is nobody who would argue otherwise.
The Door (2013)
Good idea that falls flat
Not a bad idea for a movie, but once the central plot is revealed about 1/3 through the movie, you can basically turn it off. Nothing else happens that you haven't seen before. I just could not get attached to any part of this movie, but watched it to the end. The characters are bland and have no growth and border on the annoying side.
Except....the main character Charlie Crowe played by Dallas Roberts. He is the absolute worst part of this movie. His miserable attempt at acting is insulting and repugnant. Just ugly inside and out. I have seen him before, and it's rare to find talent diminish to the point of 0. This movie has inspired me to check for the name DALLAS ROBERTS going forward among the credits. If I see DALAS ROBERTS is in a movie, count me out. From his ex-husband status, to the crazy obsessed attempt at the usual trope, he is among the top 5 worst actors I have ever seen. STAY. AWAY. This movie isn't really worth your time, and DALLAS ROBERTS will cost you seconds off of your life span.
Coyote Lake (2019)
Atrocity of a movie
This is a slow movie. Not a slow-burning movie, just an incredibly slow movie. Nothing happens that makes it interesting. The ending is a predictable trope, and lacks an originality. The characters are train wrecks with no development or mystery about them. I don't know how this movie was supposed to turn out, but it misses the mark entirely. The split between spanish speaking and english speaking scenes is awkward and shoe-horned into the movie to add "culture" & "purpose", but instead just angers and confuses the audience while leaving us wondering... "What's the point of the bilingual setting? Save your time, save yourself a headache, and just avoid at all costs.
Das Signal (2024)
No. No. Awful disappointment. I'm cancelling Netflix
There is nothing of substance. Some unnecessarily cryptic messages, random unexplained angry people and no cohesive character development. What an embarrassing show to admit I had hope for. The mystery and entire point is just massive letdown as nothing comes to fruition. Like a big box with a bow that when you open it only has an "I. O. U. One happy moment". The final episode is one "reveal" after another with fake endings. Then bam! It's over with no satisfaction. This is the last straw for Netflix. They produce and provide nothing. This show made me hate how studios take advantage of people's love of sci-fi and mystery. Do. Not. Watch.
The Banishing (2020)
Sean Harris Ruins Another Character
Worst actor on the planet, Sean Harris, ruins another character that might have maybe held this rats nest of a movie together. The movie is flawed, clearly. The plot is sloppy and the character development is non-existent. The acting is decent for the majority of the cast, except Sean Harris of course. Most of the pieces are there for a decent "Saturday afternoon" movie, but the mark is missed multiple times. The slow-burn element you think might be this movies saving grace is more slow with no burn. Every scene Sean Harris is in feels like my teeth are being pulled out in slow motion so it's double bad. Nothing about his movie will stick with you, and that might be it's best attribute.
Kindred (2020)
No! Please! Just don't watch it! Please it's so bad!
There's no plot. There's no thrill. No mystery. No drama. Just repeating scenes of Charlotte locked in the house. The same scene over and over and over and over. It's pointless. Just a horrible plotless dump of 101 minutes filled with ugly actresses and nonsensical characters. Nothing makes sense but there's nothing to not make sense. There is nothing to this movie at all. The description says loaing grip on reality, or being brainwashed. It's none of these. Main character Charlotte faces none of this. She's pregnant with a kid that the family wants to raise together. That's it. That's not a movie. That's not even enough storyline for a commercial. Please don't watch these ugly people in this horrible movie.
La nuée (2020)
No point. No explanation. And I still don't care
I know what the movie is supposed to be about but I have no clue what's going on.... Nothing makes sense in this ugly schlock fest. The mother is an ugly gross human and is just always annoyed for some reason. Then there's locusts that crave blood for no reason whatsoever. Then there's a random nice guy with money. Then there's a soccer camp for the kid but he hates soccer or whatever. No clue what's happening in this crap fest and I said he'd it twice to give it a chance. The mom is annoyed when people can't spell her name.
I don't know. What it if you want but it's just another $1 bin movie Netflix added to it's roster to boast they have 1000s of movies without admitting they're all terrible.
Braid (2018)
Lots of twists & reveals, and yet the movie makes even less sense.
You can't throw generic confusing shots into a movie and expect the audience to chalk it up to being part of the "twist" ending. Put the bad acting and the cringey behavior aside for a moment. The plot never makes sense. It always starts to make sense, then is dropped for a new "twist" or add-on to have the audience question the true nature of the movie. There is no cohesive point that ties everything up nicely, nor are there any clear pathways toward possible multiple conclusions based on interpretation. It's lazy film making, and serves no purpose if you can't back up your choices with anything but "it's part of the illusion / magic / interpretation / audiences perspective!". Shut up. Make a movie, or don't.
Hurt (2009)
The mom whispers the entire time
I know it's a trade mark of maloras to be soft spoken but this is ridiculous. I can't hear a friggin word she says. The whole cast is incredibly underwhelming. You can tell the actors want to give better performances but were held back for some reason. The plot is straightforward yet somehow the tension is lost in translation to the viewer. The really climactic scenes are so forced it's cringey. Most of the issues the family face are solved with no exuberance but there's things that are just tossed aside as "na we're not going to review that". I had mediocre hopes going in and yet I ended up still greatly disappointed. Turns out, I'm the one who got HURT. (See what I did there?)
Island Zero (2018)
Wow. This movie goes down hill really fast.
I gave it a shot. I mean you can't mess up an old fashioned mystery right? Or botch a creature feature that badly? Three quarters into the movie and I have never been so wrong. Starts off mysterious enkugh. But then the movie leans super heavy into the stranded nature of their situation. I get it, you're stuck with little food and little resources. Can we get back to the main story? I'm barely hanging on as it is. Just do yourself a favor and save yourself from self loathing. Don't watch this movie. It is beyond cringey, the special effects, the sound, the 80s synth background music. All trash.
Hideout (2021)
There's bad acting, and there's painful acting
I could not get over how bad the acting was in this movie. There's bad acting, and there's painful acting. This was the latter. I couldn't get over how flat everything fell. It felt as I was at a kids school play and one of the 3rd graders forgot his lines and started crying, that's how cringey it was. The plot on paper seems straight forward but to watch it on screen is a whole different matter.
"Person that makes me feel uneasy that has a gun shot wound? Come on in you big-shady-group-with-everyone-yelling-and-looking-scared."
"KEEP QUIET SO THE COP DOESN'T HEAR YOU!!!!!!!" Screamed the head of the group with the worst acting ability.
Don't watch this. Period.
Even the tropes most used are used wrong or painfully over the top.
Men (2022)
Stop making ambiguous ending movies
This movie was good until it wasn't. I'm getting really tired of movies not having a linear plot towards an ending that makes sense. This movie goes off the rails and had my full attention up to the last 10 minutes. I paused because I wanted to know how much time was left for the filmmakers to answer at least 80% of my questions. Nope. "that's up to the viewer to decipher". There's nothing more pretentious than when you hear a person say "you have to look at it through the lense of the filmmaker" or something like "the ending is an alagorical tale for the skewed perspective our society has on caste system social desegregation.". Shut up. Say you don't knows and the filmmakers are lazy. The ending to INCEPTION, good example of nice ambiguity. MEN IN BLACK 1 ending with the creature playing with marbles that are galaxies. Fantastic send off for the audience, any voluntary or mandated dissection doesn't add nor subtract from the film itself, it's a fun nod to the cosmic unknown.
This movie sucks and takes advantage of the audience to fill in the blanks. Stop being lazy.
Significant Other (2022)
Totally worth it
Just because it has an less than perfect review, doesn't mean it's not really fun to watch, and this is a fun one. Cool mystery, relatable characters and a "straight to the point" plot. Overall, just a really fun cool flick. Who knew Jake Lacy would be as popular as he is. I'm really glad his talent is getting recognized, he plays a smarmy romantic quite well. Check out WHITE LOTUS. Same for Maika Monroe. Her skills have woefully been overlooked until lately. The chemistry between these two fit perfectly, and so much so that I find myself disappointed a sequel isn't being talked about.
Go watch and enjoy the hell outta this one!
Mr. Harrigan's Phone (2022)
So bad
So bad. Really really bad. This movie starts slow, gets slower, and ends at a dead stop. There are no truths, or plot points expanded on. Complete useless garbage. The acting is 1 dimensional and the characters have no relatable qualities. There isn't any closure as to what happened to the dead, nor is there any aftermath of how these deaths affected the main character.
What was in the secret closet? Nothing.
What was the meaning of the lotto tickets? No meaning.
What was the symbolism behind the soap? There was none.
This fails to deliver on all points. I might just cancel my Netflix subscription after this train wreck of a "movie".
Titane (2021)
Pointless weird and gross
Don't believe the hype. This movie is terrible. There is no underlying secret plot, or some redeeming post-watch explanation. It's just a good old fashioned dumpster fire of a movie. Nothing made sense, from scene to scene I held out hope for something to piece it altogether.
Before anyone says "you just don't understand the filmmakers vision" or something about foreign films. You're right, but I know what I enjoy and this is not that. This movie hurt me, and made me angry for investing time to watch it.
The star has a grotesque appearance that left me very grossed out, and I'm not even talking about the parts she was supposed to be unattractive. Each shot of the main character or support characters made me want to shower.
Last point.... Why does everyone smoke in this movie, it's really gross.
Red 11 (2019)
Wow. Please no.
Acting is beyond bad, it's cringy. It hurt, I had to look away. Production quality is garbage, which would be fine if they worked with the low budget, like UNSANE, but no. Wow no. I thought the storyline would be the savior; the redeeming quality. Not. Even. Close. Nothing makes sense about this sour diaper of a film, from the guy composing the score with his iPad (yes, a character superimposes music from a keyboard app, even during shot / scene transitions) to the firing live invisible rounds from "finger guns". This cold lump of turd hurt me. It hurt me and I felt dirty for not looking away sooner.
You've been advised.
Interpreters (2019)
Wow
This is a bad movie. Really bad. I held on waiting to see if it would turn around. Nope. Bad all around. No redeeming qualities at all. Made no sense and had HORRIBLE acting.
Unearth (2020)
No. Nope. Don't do it.
No plot for the first 70 minutes. No plot. Last 20 minutes are uninteresting unexplained boring quick shots. Then a lady sings and bangs head, other lady wears blue bandana, followed by rolling credits. Fin.
You're welcome.
Bacurau (2019)
Horrendous. Fails on every level.
A waste of 2 hours. This abomination is an infuriating mess that goes completely nowhere. Terrible acting, no story, no climax, no plot. Just disgusting useless footage of a charmless "town" with it's unintelligible inhabitants. Grotesque faces in a sea of ugly settings, there is nothing redeemable about such a greedy attempt at entertainment. Go ahead and watch it. But keep in mind, that thought in the back of your mind during movies that says "It has to get better from here", it doesn't. Cut your losses and turn it off when you realize I'm right. I'm saving you from a state of rage and disappointment.