How Do You Define Love?
Why assuming we all mean the same thing is dangerous.
Posted Feb 14, 2015
'Tis the season to celebrate love. Every year when Valentine's Day comes
around, most of us focus on romantic love. But when you stop to think about it,
there are many levels and types of love: I love my husband. I love my sister. I
love my dog. I love my career. I love warm nights.
Although I'm using one word to describe my feeling toward all these objects,
most people understand what I'm saying: I love my husband as my life and
romantic partner; I love my sister, well, "as a sister," (I trust her and share some
of my deepest thoughts with her); my dog opens my heart; I enjoy my work, and
warm nights make me feel relaxed and happy.
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The Greeks had the good sense to break love into four levels: "storge" was
kinship, "philia" was friendship, "eros," sexual and romantic love, and finally
divine love was known as "agape
They might interpret the sentence, "I love you but I'm not 'in love' with you" to
mean, "I feel philiatoward you but not eros."
But while the Greeks gave love four spots in the dictionary, this emotion was
feared. Both Plato and Socrates saw this emotion as, “Love is a serious mental
disease,” and “Love is a madness.” And it was the Greeks who coined the
phrase, "lovesick."
Love makes people do stupid things, dangerous things as well as magnanimus
and bold things.
But what is love really? Because people define love differently, a common trap is
for couples is to assume they are speaking about the same thing. And because
people define love differently, they show it differently and have different
expectations of what it should look and feel like. many, if not most, of the
problems couples experience is a result of a miscommunicated love or a dashed
expectation around love and connection.
Many of us show love in the ways we hope to receive love (the golden rule of
doing unto others as you would have others do unto you) but this assumes your
partner defines love the same way you. In fact, the couples who come in to see
me for therapy have been missing the mark for years. By the time they come to
therapy, they have had years of pain and hurtbecause they have made too many
assumptions about love:
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One wanted physical connection, the other wanted to go on a walk together; one
wanted to buy gifts to show affection but the other would rather have had him or
her do the dishes, pick up the dry cleaning or even put money into the savings
account rather than spend it, because that's their definition of love.
A book I often recommend to clients is Gary Chapman's, 5 Love Languages,
because the author does a great job of outlining the five areas people give and
receive love. When you know what matters to you, you can ask for this from your
partner.
The areas are as follows:
1. Words of Affirmation
2. Physical Touch
3. Acts of Service
4. Gifts
5. Quality Time
Are you making assumptions about what love means to your spouse or partner?
One way you can tell is by checking your resentment levels. If they are high, ask
yourself why.
When couples start speaking the same language, they begin to feel understood,
acknowledged and appreciated. When couples stop making assumptions about
what love means to their partner, they start having better conversations and they
begin to relate more consciously.
Funny how something that seems so simple is actually quite complicated.
If your relationship is a bit rocky, use this article as a conversation starter this
Valentine's Day and see what happens. Do your best to understand your partner
and you may be amazed to see that he or she tried harder to understand you.
Wishing you conscious & purposeful love today and every day!
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About the Author
Susan Pease Gadoua, L.C.S.W., is the author of Contemplating Divorce and the
co-author of The New I Do.
Online:
ChangingMarriage.com
View Author Profile
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