Sometimes we all tend to go on and on.
Kind of like when you're at a party, and you finish what you are
talking about, but as soon as you stop talking, there's an awkward silence, so after a brief pause, you keep
going ... on ... and on. Mostly repeating what you said before, but in a different way. You know, just to
keep things going. And stuff. Like this:
Of course the main idea of a shirt is to keep things decent when you're out in public, but a good fit and
comfy fabric are crucial to the shirt feeling comfortable while you hike, walk downtown, bike to your
friend's house, play pranks on your roommate, mow the grass, or chase the ice-cream truck down the street.
Pulling on a man-boxy tee can make a girl feel like she's unattractively flopping around inside a tarp, which
is why we offer the Roxy UltraSexyHot Tee for girls who don't want to feel floppy. This tee has a lovely
feminine cut and a comfy, soft feel, and it also has techy features like UPF 30-rated fabric, an antimicrobial
treatment, and ultrawick wickitywick that create an ideal tee for a woman.
BL: Tarps are for camping and keeping your scooter from getting dewy during the night. Grab the Roxy
UltraSexyHot and get hot.
So, to name a few things:
comfy/comfortable/comfy is repeated a lot
we don't need to list that many examples of what you can do while wearing the shirt
'for girls who don't want to feel floppy' is unnecessary
'that create an ideal tee for a woman' is unnecessary
bottom line can be shortened to just 'Tarps are for camping.' Don't need to repeat brand or title,
either.
Mmm ... that's not really true
Sometimes we tend to write stuff that just isn't really true, but that sounds like it should be there. Like:
Give your back a break on your next hike with the Mountain Hardwear Fanny Pack. It holds two water
bottles, your lunch, camera, a poncho, and anything else you can’t live without on your next adventure.
In reality, a point-and-shoot, 2 bottles, your lunch, and a very compact poncho will fill a fanny pack - there
won't be room for anything else, so just stop there and delete 'and anything else....'
The bungees on the kayak deck secure your paddle, fishing rod, map, life jacket, or anything else you need
to keep handy.
There are plenty of things listed here, so there is no need for 'anything else you need to keep handy.' Also,
someone might feel that they need to have their camera handy, but that would be a very bad thing to put
under bungees (it'll get wet and might slip out).
Sometimes we write ourselves into a corner. We start a sentence and then don't really have a way to finish
it, so we kind of do this:
From winter slush to spring puddles, the Keen Shoes work anywhere, anytime.
We already said where and when they work, so the second half of that sentence is unnecessary. If you can't
figure out a way to end the sentence, just start fresh (rewrite the first part). Sometimes you can work with
what you have, but if it isn't happening, don't be afraid to abandon your idea and start again.
Catalogs Can Say Weird Stuff That Means Nothing to Most Customers
Faded frontal graphic screenprint
Self fabric belt
You don't need to include all that when you talk about that feature in your description or bullet point. Just
write 'fabric belt,' and 'screen-printed design', or 'old school, faded design'. 'Old school design' probably
says more to the customer than 'faded frontal graphic screen-printed madness' anyway.
Packing in the Features
The DWR-coated, ripstop polyester outer short has a reinforced, abrasion-resistant seat panel.
This is a lot of features at once. Break them up, and decide what you want to call out in each sentence
(what do you really want to highlight? What are the benefits of these features and can you incorporate them
in a story? For example:
When you have to crawl through a fiberglass tunnel to get to your kayak (and you end up scooting on your
arse for the last few feet of the tunnel), the abrasion-resistant seat panel and ripstop fabric really come in
handy.
Built with the time-tested and proven four-buckle, classic overlap construction, this boot features the same
bi-injected, dual-density polycarbonate plastic shell found in adult boots to provide the ideal combination
of power and softer flex for enhanced comfort.
This is good info - just break it up so the reader isn't overwhelmed. It's hard to focus on the construction
when you add in all the other features in the same sentence.
Brevity is good to keep in mind for humor, too. Sometimes we make a joke and then go on and on, and we
end up beating the reader over the head with our witty-stick, and by the end of it, it's not funny anymore.
Intensifiers
Really, very, quite, extremely, severely
These are usually words you can delete. Take 'really unique' for example. The definition of 'unique' is
something that has no equal, one-of-a-kind, so although we say it all the time in our everyday speech, there
are no degrees of unique.
Best, greatest, lightest, finest, sexiest
Same thing with these words. Who says it's the best? Sounds pretty salesy. If something (say, a carabiner)is
really the lightest in its class, then specify 'in its class' and make sure it's true.
Being vague
Make sure your writing is
condense but not so condense that people aren't sure what the point is.
That's ... repetitive
all throughout
another additional
anticipate in advance
any and all
join together
free gift
true fact
I saw it with my own eyes
When you think about it, those are all repetitive (anticipating something means 'in advance of that thing', if
it's a fact, then it's true, and seeing something with someone else's eyes is kind of a freaky thought).
Using the casual voice is great, and it's not that we need three-word descriptions. Just be aware of
repetition, and keep things concise so the reader will actually read.
Concise writing quiz
