You

Promised

By

Cheyenne Curling

 You promised you’d come back.
That’s what you said as you walked out the door.
You promised.

Chapter One

The first day of school always sucked. That was a given. Sure, it had a
novelty to it for the first day, when you got to see your friends for the first time
since the year before and see what they were wearing and who was in your
classes, but that would disappear the second teachers started to hand out
papers. Then it was right back where everyone had left off the year before.
The novelty factor had lasted a lot longer freshman year, when high
school was new and shiny to me, but I wasn’t a freshman anymore. I had
already figured out who would be in my classes, had already seen what my
friends were wearing when they posted pictures on Instagram that morning,
and I was missing summer before my homeroom teacher was even reaching
for her stack of papers.
Two o’clock could not come fast enough.
The bell rang and I was ready to go, I was so ready, I didn’t even bother
to pack up all my stuff. I grabbed my book, my bag, and my water bottle and I
was out of there. I just wanted to go home.
I was a little too eager, though, and I didn’t watch where I was going as I
turned the corner for the stairs. Someone crashed right into me. My book and
water bottle hit the floor. The top of my water bottle popped off and water
spilled everywhere, over the floor, over my pants, and over his shoes.
The boy stared down at the mess, horrified. “I am so sorry!”
I stared down at my spilled water bottle and at my book soaking in the
puddle. “No, it’s fine, really.”
“Well, still, I’m sorry.” The boy kneeled down and picked up my book
and water bottle. He desperately tried to shake the pages dry. Water dripped
onto my new shoes.
I took a half step back. “Seriously, it’s not a problem. I should have been
watching where I was going.”
He stood up and handed me my book. His face was pink all the way to
the tips of his ears. The poor guy looked traumatized.
 I dropped my water bottle into a trash can and wiped my hands on my
jeans. “I’m Alyssa.”
“What?”
It’s an introduction, you idiot. "My name’s Alyssa."
"Oh, I'm Ethan. I think I'm in your English class."
I hadn’t noticed him but he could've been. I hadn't paid that much
attention to who was there if I didn’t already know them.
Ethan was staring pointedly at the book in my hands, like he could will
it dry. "What book is that?"
"The Tales of Despereax but Kate DiCamillo." I showed him the cover
with its picture of a mouse with big ears and a sword.
"Isn't that a kid’s book?"
I hug the book to my chest. "Who cares? It's my favorite. I've read it,
like, fifty times. Have you ever read it?"
"Uh, no, but I like Harry Potter." There was a suddenly flash of
humiliation in his eyes. Harry Potter.
And he was coming at me for liking kid’s books? Boy, you’re a goof. I
smiled at him. "I love Harry Potter. Those books were my childhood. I always
wanted to be Hermione."
He smiled back at me. "Yeah, the books are way better than the movies.
I grew up with them."
"Alyssa!"
Ethan and I both turned toward the person who called my name. Justin
waved from his group of friends as they came down the hall, almost whacking
a pair of freshmen in the head. "You ready to go?"
I could feel myself lighting up just seeing him. "Yeah, I'm ready! Just
give a second." I turned back to Ethan.
He was frozen looking at Justin. "Who's that?"
"My boyfriend, he's giving me a ride home. I'll see you later, Ethan.
Maybe I'll see you in class tomorrow."
"Yeah, I'll see you.” He shoved his hands into his pockets. “I have to go
catch my bus anyway." Ethan turned and headed down the steps to the line of
waiting buses.
Justin came over, wrapped his arms around me and kissed my cheek.
“Hey, how you doing?”
“Better now that you’re here. Are we going?”
“Yeah, let’s go.” Justin and I walked off to his car. He pointed at my
ruined book. "Did you drop it in a sink or something?"
"The guy I was talking to walked into me, and I dropped my water bottle
onto my book."
He snorted and opened my door for me. "That would only happen to
you."
I stuck my tongue out at him. "Shut up." I got in the car and yanked the
door shut. That just made him laugh more.
I took out my iPod and turned it up so I couldn't hear him laughing at
me. My face felt hot. He poked my cheek and started driving. “You’re
blushing.”
I whined in response and carefully, I opened my book. The pages stuck
together and some of them even tore. The ink around a couple of the lines was
starting to bleed. “Even if, (reader could it be true?) there were no such thing
as happily ever after.” -The Tales of Desperaux, Kate DiCamillo
"So what are you going to do with the book?” Justin nodded at it. “Are
you going to throw it away?"
"No! It’s my favorite book!" I hugged the sopping book to my chest.
There were spots across my clothes from the dripping spine. “I don’t want to
throw it away.”
"Okay, okay! I'm just saying, that what’s-his-face pretty much ruined it."
Justin drummed on the steering wheel as he waited for the light to turn green.
"I could buy you a new one if you want."
The light turned before I could answer and he started driving.
Justin liked driving but I knew it scared the hell out of him too. He didn't
talk while driving, he didn’t like to talk to me while driving, he didn’t even
like the radio to be on when he was driving. Sometimes I wondered if he
forgot I was there. It was just like there was only the road, the car, and him.
I could look at him as much as I wanted when he was driving, without
worrying about him noticing. He was beautiful. His muscles flexed under tan
skin and the corner of his mouth was always turned up so he always seemed
amused. His eyes were green, deep like ocean water and delicate as forest
sunshine in the light. His eyes were always so soft when they were turned on
me, it always made me feel beautiful.
 We had been dating for just less than a year. We’d been in the same math
class my freshman year, his sophomore year. He lent me his jacket at the
homecoming football game and he kept me company on the dance floor, but
he didn’t get the nerve to ask me out officially until Halloween.
We drove our math teacher nuts, since we made “love eyes” at each
other from across the room too often, but somehow we still passed.
I thought about that when he dropped me off at home. If only we had a
class together this year.

Chapter Two

I found Ethan sitting in my math class the next morning, assigned to the
seat next to mine. His ears turned the slightest shade of pink when he saw me,
but he smiled anyway. “Hi, Alyssa. I’m sorry about yesterday.”
“Nah, it’s fine, really.” It wasn’t. My book was dead, resting in wet
pieces on my bathroom counter after a futile attempt at blow drying it, but
what’s done is done.
“I can buy you a new one.”
“No, really, it’s fine.” I got out my folder and dropped it onto my desk,
just to show him how done with this topic I was.
The first thing our teacher passed out was a roster, followed promptly by
a partner practice test, “just to see where the class was.” Ethan and I shoved
our desks closer and worked on the test together.
Ethan was good at math, great actually, but he was left handed and
scribbled answers so fast that I barely saw the work before I saw the answer.
We were the first ones done and we sat and talked until lunch while the
rest of the class finished.
He told me he had just moved from Arizona and that he was supposed to
be a level up in math, but that class was full and this was the best the school
could do. He was funny, in a subtle kind of way. He knew how to drop jokes
that you could only catch if you were really listening.
When the bell rang, we were the first ones out of the room, and we were
already halfway to the cafeteria by the time the rest of them caught up.
“I’m actually kind of happy that you’re in my class,” I said. “I was
scared I wasn’t going to have anyone to eat with. I don’t have many friends.”
 “Really?” Ethan caught his thumbs on his backpack straps. “That’s hard
to believe.”
I shrugged. “I only transferred here last year. No one really wanted to be
friends with the new girl, you know? So it wasn’t really easy to get people to
like me.”
“Except your boyfriend.” He raised his eyebrows at me, waiting to see if
I’d correct him or not.
“Well, yeah, except Justin, but he doesn’t have lunch right now. What
about you? Are you eating with anyone?”
“Not really. I literally just moved here, I haven’t had time to make any
friends yet.”
“Except me." My attention caught on a poster stapled to a bulletin board.
"Ethan, wait.” I grabbed his arm and pulled him to a stop in front of the poster.
“There are play auditions. We should audition."
“You’re kidding, right?” He started walking away. “I’m not a theatre
kid.”
“Come on, it’ll be fun.” I stepped to catch up with him. “I think I'm
going to audition.”
“I’m not going to.”
“So, you’re going to make me do it alone?”
“I totally am.”
“Ethan, come on.” I pouted at him. "I don't want to do it alone."
“Well, that sucks for you.” He held the door to the cafeteria open for me.
“I don’t want to be in the play, sorry.”
“Then be on tech crew. Please, Ethan, I don’t want to do it alone.”
“Then get your boyfriend to do it.” He sat down at the end of a table and
I slid onto the bench across from him.
"It's not his thing either."
"Then tell him it's yours."
That wasn't going to work. Justin would never do it, even if I really
wanted him to.
I hated that I suddenly felt bitter about that fact, I hated how I could
picture him laughing at me for even asking.
"So, are you buying lunch?" I asked.
 "Uh, no, I brought lunch." There was a questioning look in his brown
eyes, but he didn’t push it.
During lunch, he knocked my water bottle over again, spilling water
across the table when he tried to stand up, and apologized profusely as he
mopped it up with way too many napkins. That table became our spot, and we
ate lunch together whenever we had math.
You know those people that you hit it off with immediately when you
give them a chance? Those few people that you knew, just knew right off the
bat that you were supposed to meet and supposed to be friends with? That was
Ethan to me.
I spent that afternoon at Justin’s house, tucked under his arm, close
enough to smell the hint of cologne on his clothes. He talked about his classes,
about how his friends were already annoying the teachers and how great it
was, about how our friend Lindsay was in his last period, and about how this
one guy wouldn’t shut up about a new zombie movie that we just had to
watch. He put it on and I curled around him, protecting myself from the gore
that he knew I hated.
I watched as much of it as I could, but the screen was painted red with
blood for most of the movie and it made my stomach turn over. I couldn’t take
it for very long, I needed to distract myself. "Do you want to do the play with
me?"
He laughed, "Hell no! I'm not going anywhere near that play. The theatre
teacher hates me."
I crossed my arms and sat back into the couch. There were suddenly
tears in my eyes and they made me feel stupid. I knew he'd react like that but I
couldn’t help feeling the same way I did at lunch. Bitter. Angry. Frustrated.
Justin glanced over at me. "Wait, were you being serious?"
"No." I stared at the screen as a zombie tore someone's arm off and ate
it. I didn’t feel nauseous anymore. I felt worse. “Of course not.”
Justin paused the movie. "Alyssa."
"I'm going to go home." I pushed myself up off the couch and went to
leave.
Justin followed after me and put his hand on the door, holding it shut so
I couldn't open it. "What just happened?"
"Nothing," I couldn't look at him. "I just remembered all the homework I
have to do. My teachers think it’s fun to give a lot in the first week."
"Alright, fine." He opened the door for me. "I'll call you later, okay?"
 "Okay."
We kissed and I left. I felt his eyes on me as I walked away and I
couldn't ignore the sickness building in my chest.
I shouldn't have felt that way. I didn’t even know what was wrong with
me. There was nothing wrong.
There was nothing wrong.

Chapter Three

Ethan found out I was bad at math after the first homework assignment
and he was dead set on helping me. We started a study group that ended up
with four members: Ethan, Justin, my best friend Julianna, who was good at
everything, and me. The four of us pulled each other through our hard classes
during the week and just hung out on the weekends. They were my best
friends and we started to do everything together. When any of us wanted to see
a movie, we all went together. When we went to the mall, we went together
and when homecoming came around, we made all our plans together.
At the homecoming game, I “forgot” my jacket so I had an excuse to
practically crawl into Justin’s lap. I set Ethan up with Julianna and we doubled
for the dance.
We doubled a lot over the next few months. I always had fun, it felt like
our thing. We would go to laser tag and team up against each other. We’d go
bowling and the boys would try to help us with our technique to get strikes by
standing behind us and guiding our hands. I got my license, and we’d all used
to split between my car and Justin’s and drive out somewhere. We found a
field we’d like to park in and we’d just turn up the radio and chill out together.
Julianna was head over heels for Ethan. She got giddy just talking about
him. The two could just look at each other and they would both start grinning
from ear to ear, just completely lighting up around each other. It was cute. She
thought it was love.
Maybe if I’d been paying more attention, I would have noticed when
that happiness started to fade from the room, from all of us. I probably could
have waved goodbye to it before it flew away from Ethan and Julianna on the
winter wind. I probably could have caught it before the love between me and
Justin followed theirs out the door.
But I wasn’t paying attention. My parents were finalizing their divorce,
fighting over the custody of my brother and me, fighting over the house,
fighting over pretty much everything. There was always yelling when they
were home or meetings with lawyers filling their calendar so they wouldn’t
have to be, and heavy tension hanging in the corners all the time. I slept over
at other people’s houses a lot, switching between Julianna’s and Lindsay’s
mostly. I spent the entire weekend at Justin’s once, crying into his shoulder all
night. He didn’t say much then. He actually didn’t say much of anything
anymore. He acted like I was broken.
If only I’d been paying attention then.
The divorce took all my attention. I could barely think, barely get out of
my own head. I was so obsessed with the way my family was falling apart that
I didn’t even notice the cracks starting to spread through the rest of my life.
The divorce was wrapped up at the end of February. My mother got the
house and both the kids during the week. My dad moved out and he got us on
weekends, when he wasn’t on business trips. His work had been the deciding
factor.
When he took his stuff, the bare minimum of his needs, he still left the
house feeling empty. The yelling left with him. The tension poured out. The
lawyers never came back. The air was breathable again.
Still, it took me a while to get back to normal, to find normal, again.
I was just starting to get back to normal when things with Justin went
south. Everything fell apart so fast, I wasn’t sure what was happening until it
was over. I should’ve seen it, I should’ve felt it coming, but I was blind-sided
regardless.
It was Saturday afternoon, halfway through March. I was at Justin’s
house to hang out with him while his parents were gone. I was stretched out
across the couch, on my phone, checking messages from the day before as
Justin sat on the floor, playing some video game with a lot of gore. The
screams as his character died echoed down the empty hall.
There was a text from Ethan and I read it to Justin. “Ethan asked if we
wanted to go on a double date next week.” I hadn’t been out with them in
weeks.
Justin stared straight ahead at the screen. “I am so freaking tired of
double dates.”
“But it’s with Julianna and Ethan.”
“Exactly!”
I could’ve seen it coming, but I never wanted to believe it.
“What? Why?” He’d never had a problem with double dates before. “Do
you not like them?”
He missed a jump in the game and threw his controller across the room.
“I am so tired of having to share you with everyone!”
I should’ve been paying more attention. I should’ve realized what was
happening.
His anger filled the room and I caught it like a fever. “What are you
talking about? You haven’t had to share me with anyone!”
It was all there, just waiting for a moment like this.
“I have to share you with your brother, I have to share you with your
friends, all of your friends,” He started counting people off on his fingers and
each count just made me angrier. “Lindsay, Julianna, Ethan-it’s like I never get
you alone anymore!”
“Never get me alone?” I motioned to the empty room, to the empty
house, to the stupid video game he’d spent the last hour playing. “We’re alone
right now! And it’s like you don’t even want to be with me!”
It was bound to happen eventually.
He yelled, “Well, maybe I don’t!”
The words hung in the air, over our heads, and it was like he didn’t even
realize he’d said it until it echoed back at him.
That was it. He’d hit his breaking point. He couldn’t stand to be with me
another moment, his dam had broken.
That was it.
“Fine.” I grabbed my bag. “Then you don’t have to anymore.”
He didn’t move when I walked out of the room. He didn’t stop me as I
walked out of the house. There was no sign of him as I drove away.
I was halfway around the corner when it really hit me.
We were over. Just like that, we were over. Our entire relationship was
down the drain in less than five minutes.
What was I supposed to do now?

Chapter Four

I pulled into Ethan's driveway and cut the engine. I didn't even know
what I was doing here. I hadn't even realized I was driving to his house, I had
just left Justin's place and I hadn't even been paying attention, but I knew I
couldn’t have made it home. I was on the verge of falling apart.
I saw Ethan's little sister peek out the window at me and then disappear
back into the house. I’d spent enough time here to get to know her. I’d been
here enough for her to know my car.
I shouldn't be here now, but I was. I needed a distraction, I needed to
convince myself that it wasn't my fault that Justin and I had broken up, but
that we’d broke up because all high school relationships were fragile and
doomed to end. I wanted to say that even if I had paid attention, even if I had
done anything I could, we still would have broken up. I wanted to believe it
wasn’t my fault so badly. I wanted to push the blame far away, so I wouldn’t
have to think about it, but it sat in front of me, glaring at me. It was my fault. I
hadn’t paid attention. I hadn’t put in the effort.
But we were bound to break up eventually, right?
Ethan opened the front door and looked out at me. I felt relieved,
hopeful. I needed someone to make me feel like I wasn’t a terrible person. I
got out of the car and instantly hesitated. What if I was horrible? What if he’d
turn me away too?
Ethan’s face was pulled down in worry and it sunk into his voice. "Hi."
I rocked on my toes and stared down at my shoes. “Hi.”
"Are you okay, Alyssa?"
“No.” Not at all.
"What happened?"
"Justin and I broke up." Tears rolled down my cheeks.
"Oh my God.” He pulled me into a hug, which just made me feel worse.
“I'm sorry, Alyssa."
"Can I hang out here for a little while? I don’t think I can drive home.” I
didn’t want to go home, not now. My mother would ask questions. My mother
loved Justin.
It was bound to happen eventually.
"Yeah, definitely, come in." Ethan held the door open for me.
I hadn't been in his house in a couple of weeks, I had been too out of it
to bring myself around, and now I felt like a stranger. His foyer had been
painted since the last time I'd been here and now his school pictures were
smiling at me from where his childhood pictures used to be.
 "What happened? Can I ask?" He shut the door behind us. He wasn’t
even trying to smile now.
"I'm not sure, really. It just happened." I should’ve seen it coming.
"Did you get in a fight?"
I nodded.
"About what?"
I shrugged and looked down at my shoes again. "Everything." Nothing. I
didn’t even know at this point.
"Oh." He could barely look at me. "Do you want some ice cream?"
“What?” I looked up at him.
He motioned vaguely toward the kitchen. "Do you want some ice
cream? We just went shopping. We've got Neapolitan, mint chocolate chip,
and cookie dough." He wandered off, heading for the freezer. "You like cookie
dough, right?"
"Yeah, it’s my favorite." I followed after him.
"Good, I thought it was. Bowl or cone?"
"Cone."
Ethan got out the ice cream and made two cones for each of us. He was
babbling to fill the air. "Justin is an idiot, I'm telling you. He's stupid for
breaking up with you, and right before prom season too. He's so stupid. I
mean, I kind of get it, like high school relationships don't last, even Julianna
and I broke up, but still, he’s an idiot."
"Wait, you and Julianna broke up?" No one had told me. Just the day
before, he had asked to go on a double date. I had just read that text. That’s
what had started everything with Justin.
Ethan nodded and licked a drip of melting ice cream off the side of his
cone. "Yeah, yesterday."
"Ethan, I'm sorry."
"Nah, don't be." He handed me my ice cream. "We weren't working out.
I'm relieved, to be honest."
“Still, I’m sorry.”
“It’s whatever.”
He bit into his ice cream cone and the ridiculousness of the gesture made
me smile.
 He smiled back and nodded back toward his living room. “Want to play
some video games?”
“Like what?”
“Mario Kart? I’ve been practicing, I can probably beat you now.”
“Oh, not a chance!”

Chapter Five

I fell apart that night. A total, chaotic breakdown. I couldn’t stop crying
for hours, curled up in a ball in bed as I felt my chest cave it. I couldn’t eat, I
was on the verge of being sick. Justin was stuck in my head, ruining
everything, ruining me.
I loved him. I thought he loved me, but then he’d done this and I just
wasn’t sure anymore. When did he stop caring about me?
I tried to convince myself that it could have been worse, that if he’d
done it over the phone or for another girl or on our anniversary or something
then it would hurt more, but that didn’t stop it from hurting then.
Oh, God, it hurt then. I thought it was the worst pain I’d ever feel. I
thought that I would never recover, that I would never open myself up to get
this hurt again.
Looking back, I could pick up what I’d missed the first time around. I
saw how few pictures we had together. I saw how he stopped telling me
things. I saw how he started to take his stuff back, little by little. I could see us
start to fracture, all the little signs I had ignored the first time around, all the
little things I didn’t want to believe.
I couldn’t not blame myself. Something had gone wrong somewhere
along the way and I hadn’t done enough about it.
It ruined us.
I saw how it ruined all of us. I could see how Justin started to be on edge
all the time, I could see how he started to snap at all of us, Ethan mostly. I
could see when Justin stopped wanting to go out with them, I could see why. I
could see why Julianna and Ethan broke up, even though Ethan never told me
a good reason.
I used to imagine that Ethan didn’t help break us up, that it was just
inevitable end that came to all early high school relationships, but the truth
was, I knew Ethan was at least a little bit responsible. Ethan had tried to be
friends with both of us, but he couldn’t quite pull it off. He was always tearing
at Justin, chipping at our relationship, edging me to break up with him from
the very first day, and it’d worked in the end.
I wanted to imagine that it wasn’t my fault or Ethan’s fault, that it was
just the universe and bad timing, but by the way Julianna acted the next time I
saw her, I couldn’t ignore it anymore.
She lived in my neighborhood and was out walking her dog when I went
out jogging the day after Justin had broken up with me. Her dog Sir
Bennington was a massive full poodle and it yanked her over to me the second
it saw me coming. Her mouth turned down as she stumbled along behind it.
I was glad I’d put on enough makeup to hide that I’d been crying. “Hey,
I heard about you and Ethan.” I rubbed Sir Bennington’s ears so I wouldn’t
have to look at her. I felt like I had betrayed her by going to Ethan first,
instead of hanging out with my best friend when I found out. “I’m sorry. That
sucks.”
She turned her nose up at me. “I knew it was going to happen. I
should’ve known it from the beginning.”
“No, Julianna, you couldn’t have known.”
“I should’ve though. You’re the one who set us up, this is just what I get
for being your friend.”
“Excuse me?”
“Oh, come on. Ethan’s in love with you, obviously. ” Julianna rolled her
eyes condescendingly. “That’s why we always went on double dates, so he had
an excuse to hang out with you, and you just led him on. He never wanted to
be with me, he always wanted you.”
Her dog nudged my hand. I pulled away. “He is not in love with me and
I never led him on. I know you’re upset, but really.”
Sir Bennington whined. She pulled on its leash. “You’ve got to be
kidding, why else would we break up? He was in love with you! I couldn’t
make him love me, no matter how hard I tried.”
“He is not.”
“I know you don’t believe it. You never do.” She pulled on Sir
Bennington’s leash and it reluctantly moved over to her. “It just sucks when
every guy I like likes you instead.” She turned on her heel and walked off,
leaving me standing there.
Julianna and I were no longer friends. It was probably one of the things I
should’ve seen coming, if I’d been paying attention.
I probably should’ve cared, but I didn’t. Nothing she said had hurt, even
though she’d been trying to hurt me. Actually, it started to seem funny. It
helped distract me from the mess with Justin.
“It’s what I get for being your friend!” Lindsay laughed and stabbed at
her piece of cake. “What a joke.”
“I know, right? She acted like it was my fault!”
Ethan came back into the kitchen from the bathroom. “She said what
was your fault?”
It was Lindsay’s birthday, two weeks after the double break up, and
she’d invited our group of four, but the other two hadn’t showed up. She’d lost
them in our break ups too, so now it was just the three of us, eating cake in her
kitchen.
“Julianna acted like I broke the two of you up,” I said.
“Yeah, she’s told me that too. She thinks we’re both terrible people, but I
promise you, that’s not why we broke up. It’s stuck in her head though and
she’s totally convinced.”
“Honestly! Like, I would never try to break a couple up. People who do
that really are the worst type of scummy.”
Lindsay raised her fork in a toast. “I hear that.”
The conversation moved away from heartbreak, from exes, to school
and weekend plans and movies that were coming out. Hours went by and we
ate away at Lindsay’s birthday cake, a bite at a time.
Ethan’s phone went off after a couple of hours and he checked his
screen. “Alyssa, could you give me a ride home? My mom wants me back.”
“Now?”
“Please?” He gave me a pitiful puppy dog look.
“Alright, fine.” I wiped frosting off my hands and grabbed my keys.
“Bye, Lindsay, happy birthday!”
She waved and mumbled goodbye to us through a mouthful of cake. I
drove Ethan home.
Whenever I drove with Justin, I acted the way he had. I wouldn’t talk if I
was behind the wheel. I wouldn’t turn on the radio. I would barely remember
he was there. But with Ethan, none of those things were a problem. I was
comfortable behind the wheel when Ethan was in the car. Driving was
different with Ethan.
Everything was different with Ethan.
This girl is my destiny… Ethan turned off the radio, cutting off Shut Up
and Dance halfway through the chorus. “About what Julianna said to you…”
I finished the chorus in my head. “What about it?”
“It wasn’t your fault we broke up. Really.”
“I know.” I turned onto his street.
“But…” Ethan took a deep breath. “She wasn’t completely wrong
either.”
Damn. I knew what he was talking about but in the moment, I wasn’t
sure I wanted to. “How so?”
“I do really like you, a lot.”
How was I supposed to be okay with being responsible for them
breaking up? Who could possibly be okay with that? I pulled up in front of his
house and cut the engine. I wasn’t sure Ethan even noticed.
He stared at his hands, folded in his lap. “It wasn’t your fault, but I did
like you. And I’d rather date you than Julianna. I want to date you.”
If this had been a movie, I would have leaned over and kissed him.
However, this wasn’t a movie and I didn’t kiss him, but I swear I could hear
the crescendos of a love song in my ears. “I want to date you too.”
It was a confession I hadn’t thought about saying. The topic had come
up, it had come out. It wasn’t a lie. It was how I felt.
Ethan’s face was red to his ears but he smiled shyly anyway. “Really?”
“Yes, really.”
The love song in my head seemed to get stronger, to the point I
wondered if Ethan could hear it.
It wasn’t a movie. We didn’t kiss. There was no smooth move or rush of
overwhelming feelings.
But suddenly we were dating.
It was awkward at first. Horribly awkward. We didn’t know how to act
at school, not with Justin and Julianna around. We weren’t sure how to act
around each other.
But we learned. By summer, we’d found our rhythm. It felt right. It felt
real. It felt like it could be love.
 That summer was beautiful. It was a magical kind of summer. It was hot
sand and cool waves. It was new movies and loud concerts and tan lines that
traced the hem of my shorts. It was holding Ethan’s hand and leaning my head
on his chest and wrapping my arms around him tightly, until we felt tied
together.
It was kissing. Our first kiss was to the same song he’d cut off in my car
when he asked me out. It was falling in love.

Would you remember that too? If you were here and I asked you, would
you remember a little thing like that?

Chapter Six

Power Couple; the yearbook kids used to joke that we’d win that
category hands down if they put it in the senior superlatives. We were called
Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie and Clyde, Cinderella and Prince Charming. There
were kids who thought my name was actually Juliet because I was called it so
often, teachers too.
It wasn’t something I got used. Every time someone said it I would get
such a rush a happiness, because I was so loved that everyone could see it. It
made junior year feel like a dream.
Senior year came around and we stood in the very middle of the dance
floor. I was in a beautiful dress and Ethan was wearing a tie to match. He had
one hand on my back and I could feel the heat of it radiate across my skin.
Our principal stood in front of us, a microphone in one hand and a card
in the other. He looked out of over the crowd around us, the girls in dresses,
the boys in nice suits, and then he turned his attention to the card so he could
read it. “Your two-thousand and fifteen prom king and queen are… Ethan
Lewis and Alyssa Young!”
People clapped and cheered and whistled. I could barely believe it.
Ethan swept me up in his arms, only letting go long enough to let people put
crowns on our heads. He pulled me back into him, hugging me as tightly as
possible.
I hugged him back just as tightly. “Oh my God, we won.”
“Of course we won, we’re fantastic!”
“Now, the prom court will lead a slow dance.” The DJ turned on So This
is Love from Cinderella.
Couples moved out onto the dance floor, pressing in around us.
Ethan moved his hands down to my waist, brushing his hands across my
skin. “You’re beautiful tonight. You’re beautiful every night, but tonight,
you’re even more beautiful than usual.”
We were prom king and queen. We were high school royalty. He kept
calling me “princess,” and honestly I felt like one.
I was with him, and that was what I wanted. That was all I wanted.
Cinderella and Prince Charming. How could I ever be so lucky?

Chapter Seven

We stayed out all night after prom. We drove out to the field we used to
go to with our study group and we turned the radio up and looked at the stars.
They were beautiful, but nothing seemed more beautiful than Ethan.
Our senior prom was over. We wouldn’t get another. Exams were
starting soon, too soon. We had an AP test the next week. The rest of the year
was too stressful, it was going to come too quickly. Then there would be
graduation, then a summer that would seem to short, then college, and then…
Then what?
It hit me, all at once, under the stars, in the grass by my car, just a few
feet from Ethan. It crushed me and I reached out for him, grabbed his hand,
because he was the only solid thing I had to hold on to. "God, I'm scared,
Ethan."
He looked at me, very calmly. "About what?"
"About graduation. About next year. About..." I tried to swallow the
lump in my throat. "About us."
"About us? Why?" He frowned and squeezed my hand.
I was feeling sick and very small in the world. "We're going to different
schools. I won't get to see you anymore." What if we didn’t last? What if he
decided he couldn’t see a future with us and just left me? What if he decided
we weren’t going to work and just cut me off?
I couldn’t say it out loud. The very idea burned. I didn’t want that. It was
my biggest fear.
 "We're both going to be in Richmond. We'll be fifteen minutes away
from each other, by bus." He couldn’t read my mind. He couldn’t hear my
thoughts. He didn’t quite understand what was running through my mind.
"It'll feel like you're a world away." Could I do a long distance
relationship? So many people failed at it. What if we failed too? What if the
idea of it would break us? It didn’t seem like it would be long distance, but
anything farther away than this would seem like it. It could break us. It could
kill us.
"I know it will, but we'll work."
Please, let it be true, God. Please, that was all I wanted. I just wanted
forever with Ethan. I wanted more time with him.
"What if we don't?" I stared up at the stars, wishing they didn't feel so
cold and far away. "A lot of high school relationships don't last. We're going to
get overwhelmed by school or work or something, and we're just going to fall
apart."
Ethan sat up abruptly, so he and I were face to face. "Alyssa, that's not
going to happen. Hey, look at me." He cupped my face in his hands, making
me look from the stars in the sky to the stars in his eyes. "That's not going to
happen to us. I love you, Alyssa, okay? I love you and college isn't going to
stop me from loving you. Nothing is going to stop me from loving you. We are
going to work."
My voice came out so quietly that I almost hoped he couldn't hear it,
"What if we don't?"
Ethan's mouth turned down at the corners even further and he stared at
me for a long moment, counted off by cricket chirps. Chirp. Chirp. Chirp. "I
don't want to think about that."
"We have to."
"I want to think we're above that, but if it happens..." He shut his eyes,
took a deep breath. I noticed the way his eyelashes brushed his cheeks when
they were closed. I noticed how they curled. It made my heart ache, just
thinking that someday I wouldn’t be able to see them like this. "If it happens,
then we'll have to let it happen. We can't force it, but I don't want it to
happen."
"I don't either."
He kissed my forehead and held me close. I could feel his heart beating
through his shirt. He was warm and I felt safe. I felt at home, but still, I
wanted to be closer.
 We stayed there for another few hours as the world seemed to turn
without us, until the cold could not stay away any longer and it pushed itself
onto our skin. Even then, we stayed longer, sitting in the car and looking out
into the darkness.
My parents did not text me for once. They knew where I was, who I was
with, and they trusted us with the night.
They had warned me about the end at the beginning. I felt it now, off in
the shadows, off in the distance. I wanted to scream, I wanted to push it back,
push it away, make it go away. I didn’t want to see the end, I wanted longer, I
wanted as long as I could get and longer still.
I was selfish. I was always so selfish with Ethan.

Chapter Eight

I had been right. The end of the year came too quickly and it didn’t seem
like nearly long enough before graduation came around. We were fitted with
shiny gowns and we attached tassels to our caps. They lined up chairs in the
football field and we practiced going out to them, in order. We practiced going
up on that stage and practiced getting our diplomas.
Then it was actually happening.
“Ethan Lewis.” His name echoed from the speakers, all the way up to
the school and back.
Ethan walked across the stage and picked up his diploma. His shoulders
were straight, his smile was bright, and he was beautiful. He was so beautiful.
I watched him wave at his family in his bleachers and then smile over at
me. I smiled back and the butterflies in my stomach turned over.
My row stood up. I grabbed my name card and followed after the boy
ahead of me.
I could see my mom in the first row of bleachers with my brother and
my dad up in the back. It was hard to walk in the grass and I was just glad I
wasn’t in heels. My dress felt too short under my gown and my palms were
starting to sweat.
In less than ten minutes, I was going to be a high school graduate. The
last twelve years had led up to this very moment.
Whenever I asked graduates about leaving high school, I’d never heard
them say it was anything more than the beginning of another summer, just one
between high school and college, but I felt like it was more than that. I’d never
heard anyone ever say that getting your high school diploma changed you.
But it did.
“Alyssa White.” I walked across the stage, I shook the principal’s hand,
and he gave me my diploma.
The world, as cheesy as it sounds, seemed to open up before me. The
edge of the stage was a step into a new beginning. The rest of my life was in
front of me. I had a path, but now there was no one forcing me to stick to it. I
was in control, complete control, for the first time in my life.
It felt like I suddenly wasn’t on stable ground and I wanted something to
hold on to. I found myself searching for Ethan in the crowd.
He was there, looking at me, and he grinned enthusiastically when I met
his eyes, widely mouthing, “We made it!”
We had made it.
I stood at my seat and waited as the last few kids came off stage. Our
principal walked to the microphone as soon as they got to their seats and very
calmly said, “Congratulations, Class of 2015, you are officially high school
graduates.”
There was a roar from the bleachers, from the students, and graduation
caps filled the air like blue birds.
We had made it.
Ethan grabbed me and spun me around in a hug. “Alyssa, we
graduated!”
“I know!” I grabbed his face and kissed him. He kissed me back, held
me, pulled me into him.
We had made it.
Out of nowhere, his sister and my brother jumped on us, both screaming
congratulatory things over the cacophony of noise. Our parents were taking
photos, one after the other after the other, and babbling on about how proud
they were and how just yesterday we were little babies. I think my dad was
crying.
Ethan’s dad most definitely was crying. He grabbed us both up in a hug.
“I’m so proud of the both of you! You both worked so hard and now look at
you!”
His mom took another picture and my mom tried to stop her makeup
from running. “Our babies.”
It felt so surreal. I had never pictured myself actually graduating, it was
always one of those far off things, but now it had actually happened.
We had made it.

Chapter Nine

Oh, we’re bound to be together, bound to be together…

The lyrics from Shut Up and Dance rang early in the morning, when the
sky was still black and the mugginess of summer had just broken. I’d been out
of school for two weeks and was just starting to fix my sleep schedule.
I blurrily grabbed at my phone. “Hey, Ethan.”
His voice came through, quiet and muffled, “My dad died.”
I was awake. “Ohmygod.”
“Surgery complications. We thought it went okay, but he crashed after.
We just got home.”
His dad had gone in for a colectomy. It was a common thing, it was
supposed to be a safe surgery. “Oh no. Ethan, I’m so sorry. Is there anything I
can do?”
“Can you come over? Please?”
“Yeah, I’ll be right there.” I was already getting dressed, grabbing my
keys, writing a note for my mother.
The world seemed empty this early, but Ethan’s house was full of
people. It was quiet, his relatives crowded into the living room, around his
mother, all trying to console her and console each other. Ethan threw his arms
around me when I walked in and we retreated up to his bedroom.
He tucked his face into the crook of my neck and I felt tears roll across
my skin. “God, Alyssa, I miss him already.” He choked on a sob.
“I’m sorry.”
“Please, please, stay with me.”
“Of course, Ethan.”
I stayed with Ethan all day and all night. My parents accepted it without
question, telling me to stay as long as he needed.
 It was the first time I actually slept with him.
His sheets smelled freshly washed, like spring cotton detergent, and very
strongly of him: fruity gum, Old Spice, and boy.
Ethan didn’t eat that night, though his mother halfheartedly tried to push
the neighbor’s casserole onto us. He fell asleep just before ten, having cried
himself into exhaustion.
I was crying too, but I couldn’t sleep. Ethan was asleep with his head on
my chest and I was too scared to move. The moon was full and shining in
through his window. It cast pale shadows across his face and illuminated the
lines of tears.
I loved him. God, I loved him.
Funerals make me reevaluate my life and his dad’s wasn’t any different.
The funeral was small and quiet. There many people there, Mr. Lewis
had never been an outgoing person and the friends he had were spread across
the country. He’d been deployed out to war, he had seen death first hand, yet
he had died due to minor surgery complications.
Lindsay gave me one of her black dresses to wear and sat with me and
Ethan. Everyone cried. Ethan folded halfway through his speech. He fell back
into his seat and sobbed into my shoulder, “He’ll never see me go to college.
He’ll never see me get married.”
Ethan didn’t want to go to college anymore. He wanted to stay home, he
wanted to work, he wanted to join the military and follow his father’s
footsteps.
His mother wouldn’t have it, but he barely listened to her whenever she
brought it up. His sister was for it, but he barely listened to her either. He was
back and forth on it all summer, up until the end of July. In August, Ethan
packed up his stuff and went to school, to keep his mother happy.
He never asked what I thought about it, not once. I never told him. We
went days without talking over the summer. At some points, it felt like the
end.
God, it felt like the end. I found myself crying at the thought of it, found
myself about to fall apart too many times.
After his dad died, Ethan changed. We changed.
Even when we started talking regularly again, it was still bad. It was like
the first few weeks of our relationship, we didn’t quite know how to act
around each other anymore.
 We started college walking on eggshells. He was at VCU and I was at
UofR, both of us in Richmond, but it felt like we were a world apart.
We were still together. We called each other every day and went for
lunch in the city a couple times a week, but we still felt off, we felt wrong.
Lindsay went to University of Richmond with me and she was the one
who really saved us.
“For God’s sake, snap out of it!” It was seven in the morning in the
middle of October, we were on before our eight a.m. class, and she was done
with hearing me worry about it. “You miss him, so stop whining about it and
do something.”
“What am I supposed to do?”
“You’re acting like he’s broken and he’s not. You’re treating him the
way Justin treated you when you’re parents divorced and it’s gross. He’s not
broken! You need to wake up, realize how freaking in love with him you are,
and move past all this awkward.”
I tried. I tried my best and eventually we fell back in groove.
But for the longest time, I was insecure. It wasn’t his fault, but he was
beautiful. He was beautiful and charming and smart and there were girls trying
to get his attention, there were girls literally throwing themselves onto him,
and sometimes he would ignore them and sometimes he wouldn’t.
He never fell for them, he never did anything with them, but it still hurt.
They were always prettier than I was, always smarter or more talented or
something. I was scared that someday he would realize what he was missing
with them and leave me.
I never told him. Maybe I should’ve. Maybe I should’ve let him know I
was feeling, at least once, but I never did. Nothing ever happened, he never
fell for any of those girls and he never cheated on me, but just the thought of it
could bring tears to my eyes and keep me up at night.
Ethan played guitar in a band on the weekends with some of his friends
from VCU. They were pretty good and they started playing more and more
shows. They started getting gigs farther and farther away, nothing major but
enough to keep him distracted.
We both started working to help pay for college. Since his dad had died,
his mother was the only income, and my parents couldn’t agree on how much
of my tuition each of them were willing to pay. The jobs we got were stressful
and there were times we would be together but be almost too exhausted to do
anything.
 School stressed me out. Even though it wasn’t as stressful as high school
said it would be, there was still a lot of work. It wasn’t easy. I wasn’t sleeping
enough.
My worst fear was that he would fall out of love with me. I was terrified
that I would do something small, make one little mistake, and he would just
leave me. I was scared that he’d look at me one day and would stop finding
me beautiful. I was scared the things he’d used to love about me, like my
competitiveness or how my smile was the slightest bit crooked or how sleepy I
always was, would suddenly make him hate me. I was scared he was going to
fall in love with someone else. That was my biggest fear. That was the worst
thing I could imagine happening to me.
But even with all that, all the stress of work and school and all my
insecurities, we stayed together. We did. We made it through all of that.

Chapter Ten

“You know, there are times I could picture us getting married,” Ethan
said.
It was a casual thing. He didn’t even look at me when he said it, he just
grabbed another cheese fry off the plate between us.
“You what?”
“I can picture us getting married. You just seem like that kind of girl. I
can really picture a future with you.” He sipped at his soda and glanced up at
me. “I mean, not right now, but maybe someday.”
I reached across the table and took his hand. He smiled at me and ran his
thumb over my fingers.
“I love you, Alyssa.”
“I love you too, Ethan.”
We moved in together our second year of college, into an apartment on
the edge of the city. I worked as a waitress at a restaurant and then a pretty
popular boutique. Ethan worked at an insurance company. We worked and we
studied and we got by and we were in love.
The second semester of our fourth year, we found a house we could
afford and we bought it together. We could only afford it because it was a
foreclosure, but it was home. We could see the river from our back porch and
every night there was a great view of the sunset from the living room couch.
Some nights we’d sit and watch as the sky was painted pink and orange and
then start sparkling with stars.
Moving took almost no time, less than a day, and only one cheap rented
truck. Ethan and I did it ourselves. We didn’t have enough furniture to fill the
house and money was too tight to go out and buy new things right away. When
we moved in, there was nothing to put in dining room, or the family room, or
the third bedroom. Our pantries were almost bare and we only had a handful
of things in the fridge. Neither of us really knew how to cook, especially not
with the few things we had, and all our meals came from intense internet
recipe searches. Sometimes the food we made was good, sometimes it was
barely even edible.
But it was what we had.
It was home. It was lovely. I loved waking up in the morning to the
smell of coffee and going down the stairs to find him ruffled and sleepily
standing in front of the coffee maker. I loved coming home after work or
school and having him grab me into a hug. I loved when he walked in and
would yell, “Honey, I’m home!”
I loved him. I loved him so much.
I loved everything about him. I loved the way his eyes would light up
when he smiled and how he couldn’t, no matter how hard he tried, be serious
for very long. I loved how he would listen to his music too loudly and how he
would watch stupid movies with me. I loved how he could always act like he
was on top of the world and still admit when he was sad. I loved how he
folded the corners of books and how he got excited over video games and I
loved how he said my name. I loved when he said my name.

Chapter Eleven

We had a jar under our bed we kept our emergency money in. It was
stuffed full of cash, just in case, for the future. We had savings in the bank but
we felt better with cash nearby.
I was cleaning our room one day, just after the planning for
undergraduate graduation started but long before it actually happened, and I
swept a broom under the bed. The jar rolled out to me, empty.
It didn’t process at first. I didn’t realize what it meant. Why would there
be an empty jar under our bed?
And then I was calling Ethan. He wasn’t answering his phone. “Ethan,
come on, pick up!”
Why was the jar empty? Where did the money go?
“Hey, you’ve reached Ethan, I’m not here-”
“Pick up!” I hung up and sat down on the edge of the bed. I was freaking
out.
There had been thousands of dollars in there. Sure, we had our savings,
but this was still so much money. Why was it just gone?
My phone started playing with Ethan’s ringtone. Oh, we’re bound to be
together. I yanked it up.
“Hey,” Ethan said. “I was in the middle of something, what’s up?”
“Why is the jar empty?”
“Alyssa, are you okay? I don’t know what jar you’re talking about.”
“You know what jar I’m talking about! Do you know what happened to
our money?”
“Our money?”
“Our emergency fund!”
“Oh.” There was a long pause, too long for comfort. “I spent it.”
“On what? Why? There was over a thousand dollars in there! Why
didn’t you tell me?” My mind jumped to the worst possible conclusions:
drugs, gambling, accidents, and hidden debts… Oh god. “Ethan, what did you
spend it on?”
He paused again. “I’m coming home.”
“Ethan!”
“I’m coming home and we’ll talk about this, okay? Things are fine, you
don’t need to worry about it. I’ll explain.”
“Okay.” I took a deep breath, tried to calm my nerves. “Okay. You
promise?”
He laughed. “Yes, I promise. I promise I’ll come right home and I’ll
straighten this stuff out. I’ll be right there.”
“Okay.”
“Alyssa?”
“Yes?”
“I love you.”
 “I love you too, Ethan.”
Things weren’t good, but I didn’t know. Not then. I didn’t see it coming.

Chapter Twelve

I didn’t know where he was, how far away he had been when I called.
Minutes stretched into hours and he didn’t come home. He didn’t answer his
phone, he wouldn’t if he was driving.
Where was he?
There was a knock at the front door, sharp and rapid and too loud in the
quiet of the house. I reluctantly put down my phone and went to see who it
was. Maybe it was Ethan, maybe he had forgotten the code to the garage, and
his keys, and where the spare key was…
There was a cop standing on the front step. He wiped sweat from his
palms off onto his pants and shifted his weight from one foot to the other.
“Does Ethan Lewis live here?”
“Yes, but he’s not home right now.” Oh God, I don’t know where he is.
“No, no, I know he’s not.” The officer looked up at the sky, like he was
praying to God to help him. “May I ask your name and relation to Ethan?”
“I’m Alyssa Young, Ethan’s girlfriend.” I looked the officer over,
wondering what could shake him up so badly. He looked young, only a couple
years older than me, maybe in his thirties, and his badge read Morrison. There
was dirt caught under his fingernails, a death grip on a small bag of things, and
a tremble in his hands. “What can I do for you?”
“I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Alyssa, but there’s been an accident.
A drunk driver spun out of control and hit Ethan’s car. He didn’t make it.”
It didn’t make sense. I didn’t want it to make sense. I choked over
anything that could’ve sounded like English, barely able to even gasp. The
weight of his words stung like alcohol on open wounds. The burn started in
my heart and spread through my veins, through my muscles, over my skin.
Immediately I was shaking.
"I'm sorry, miss, but Ethan is dead."
It hit me like a truck, knocked the air out of my lungs. I collapsed to the
floor, felt my knees bruise, and Officer Morrison tried to catch me, but his
hands hovered like scared hummingbirds. No, he was on his way home, he was
coming home to talk to me, he was coming right home.
Ethan is dead.
Don’t let this be real, don’t let this be real. My heart was breaking. I
could hear the shattering in my ears, I could feel the shards cut against my
ribs. There was a rush of ice under my skin as my heart stopped beating and
my blood ran cold.
“I'm sorry.” No.
“Ethan is dead.” Stop.
“I'm sorry.” Don’t tell me this. Don’t do this to me.
I was wailing, screaming, breaking. “No! No! No!” He was coming
home. He promised. He promised.
A car pulled up in front of our house, behind the police cruiser, and
Lindsay came sprinting up the lawn, pushing past the officer without any
hesitation. “Alyssa!” She held me, tried to calm me down.
I didn’t know what she was doing here. Nothing made sense. I couldn't
feel her hands when she touched me. I couldn't feel anything beyond my heart
breaking.
He's dead.
Nothing made sense.
Officer Morrison waivered in the doorway. He moved to hand me the
bag of thing, stopped, moved to Lindsay, stopped, and then just put it down in
front of me. Ethan's personal effects. The stuff he had on him when he died,
sealed up tightly in a plastic bag.
His phone. His wallet. His keys. Some loose change. An engagement
ring.
An engagement ring. It was loose from its velvet box, a little star caught
behind the plastic seal. It sparkled at me, new and hopeful and obviously
expensive, obviously worth over a thousand dollars.
It wasn’t fair.
"I'm sorry for your loss."
Meteors rained from the nebulas and crashed across my skin, arctic
tsunamis washed over my head, black holes swallowed me into the abyss,
earthquakes broke my bones and only I could feel this disaster.
Ethan was dead.
 My Ethan was dead.
The love of my life was gone.
I was alone.
God, he promised he was coming home.

Chapter Thirteen

These things came in flashes, they come in waves, they come like
storms. Everything reminded me of Ethan. Everything hurt.
I tried to sleep in a bed too big for just me. His pillow smelled like him
but it was colder than his chest would've been, it was too cold to unfreeze me.
I was homesick, lovesick, sick over all. My chest wass tight and all my
muscles throbbed and I missed him. I ached with missing him.

Ethan,
You were mine. From the first day I met you, you were mine, even if we
didn't know it. It was as if angels were orchestrating our lives and they
catapulted us together so there was no way I could ignore it.
We were beautiful. You were beautiful.
You were sweet and you were funny and you had people drawn to you
like a magnet. You were intelligent and you were witty and you always knew
just what to say. You would take me out and make me laugh and you talked
about forever. You worked hard and loved like the stars and you always kept
your promises.
You promised me you'd come back.
That's what you said as you walked out the door.
You promised to come back. You promised, you always kept your
promises, yet you didn't keep this one. You left and you didn't come back.
I feel broken without you. You were everything I ever needed,
everything I ever needed.
You left me a pillow that smells like you, a house too big without your
laugh and too small with all your empty things, and a diamond engagement
ring.
 I found your proposal plan, I have your engagement ring. You were
going to ask me to marry me and I was going to say yes.
I would've said yes.
We would've had our forever.
But you never asked. You never came back.
I saw a future with us. I saw our wedding, I saw our kids, I saw us in
rocking chairs sixty years from now. I saw it all. Did I not tell you that? Did
you not know? I should’ve told you that. I should’ve told you I loved you
more. I should’ve done a lot of things.
It rained all day, even at you funeral. The sky was the only thing crying
more than me.
Your mother and sister were there. All your friends from college, even
some from high school, were there. Your bandmates and your coworkers and
Lindsay. Julianna came. So did Justin.
There were so many people and I stood in front of all of them and I said
goodbye to you. I wore the dress I wore to your father's funeral and I didn't cry
as I told them stories, as I talked about you, as they laughed and cried and
memorialized you.
They told me I should start letting you go, but I don't want to do that. It’s
too soon. I’ve loved you for too long. I cannot stop loving you.
I want you.
We could’ve lived happily ever after. We were Romeo and Juliet, Bonnie
and Clyde, Cinderella and Prince Charming. We were meant for each other.
You made me believe in true love and now you’re gone. All I have left is this
engagement ring, but how am I supposed to wear it? How am I supposed to
look at it when all it does is remind me of you?
Every room I walk into feels empty, even when it’s full of people. I want
you there to hold my hand and you’re the only person I couldn't have.
I want you now.
I'll want you forever.
I love you.
I love you with all my heart.
I love you I love you I love you I miss you I miss you I miss you.
I want you here.
 God, Ethan, why didn’t you come back? You promised you were coming
back!
You promised.
Please, come back. Please!
You promised. Please, Ethan, you promised. I love you.
With all my heart and more,
Your Alyssa

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