Conflict in
Relationships
Relationships
don't always
suck
Ryan Ouzts
What is the answer to conflict in a romantic
relationship? Ghosting?! WRONG! But hey,
everyone does it now, right?
That’s the problem. And everyone wonders
why they are single. Conflict is literally a
struggle between two (or more) people, and
HOW conflict is managed is the MOST
important way to know how a relationship
will turn out.
So if you eventually want a relationship,
more than just swiping right and texting all
day, you’re going to need to know how to
manage it effectively. It’s easy, trust
me. Even though ghosting always seems like
the right thing to do when you don’t want to
hurt someone’s feelings or just don’t want
to talk to them anymore, do you think about
what you will do when you have a bf or gf?
Or when you are married!?
You can’t just ignore them until you think
they are over it, what if you live in the same
house? Yeah, you gotta put your big kid
pants on and hash it out. But I get it, some
people don’t even care about that. Maybe
you like ghosting people! (RUDE!) But if you
do care, keep reading!
The first important aspect of conflict, or communication overall, is the level
of communication competence people have. Sometimes we may communicate
in a way that we believe fixes or helps a situation, but not everyone involved may
feel the same way.
Simply put, this is how we evaluate the quality of interactions, based on a given
context. Competency relies heavily on the appropriateness (the judgement that
behavior is acceptable in a given context) and effectiveness (judgement that a
behavior has achieved its intended outcomes) of a message.
Say you and your bf/gf get into a heated argument and you strongly believe that
they are in the wrong. They are trying to talk to you but you ignore what they are
saying, interrupt them often, and bring up things that are irrelevant to the
situation. You are attempting to explain to them why you believe they are in the
wrong but they are not understanding your reasoning, which makes you even
more angry.
These are all examples of what makes an incompetent communicator, which will
lead to a fail in the conflict at hand. We all interpret and understand things as
appropriate or effective based on our own competency, but what are other ways
we can determine if someone is a competent communicator?
There are four major skills to work on when aiming to be a competent communicator:
attentiveness, composure, coordination and expressiveness.
Attentiveness is showing interest and concern for the other(s) in conversation and
demonstrating that you are paying attention. This can be achieved by maintaining eye
contact, asking questions, and engaging them directly by listening closely.
Composure means just that, being composed and controlling your behavior in the
situation showing that you are calm, collected, and able to have a conversation in an
appropriate manner.
The next skill is coordination, which relates directly to
managing the conversation. Coordination can be achieved by
controlling the timing of your responses, making sure not to
interrupt, allowing for speaking turns, and managing the flow
of the conversation.
attentive
The final skill in this list is expressiveness. This represents the
composed emotional expressions that are more nonverbal reactions in
coordination conversations that can add to or change the way the verbal
or spoken message is interpreted.
& expressive
Being aware of these four skills of being a
competent communicator are good to know
for all types of conflict. Slowing applying
these to the way you communicate in
conflict will result in much better outcomes,
and if you can do them accurately, the
outcome may end in your favor! Think about
if you had a conversation with someone and
they did these things in a conversation. You
would probably feel better about having a
tough conversation, don’t you think? Most of
the time our mood in a conversation
depends on the other person’s mood,
making the conversation go in ways that
you may not expect or have hoped for. If
you have the ability to manage the
conversation, or at least have the proper
skills to try, then you probably wouldn’t suck
Another important aspect of conflict, as well as competency, is the degree
to which a person has concern for themselves versus their concern for
other(s). This is known as the dual concern model, which layouts five
different levels of concern that can take place in different situations people
may have. high
competing collaborating
self orientation
compromising
avoiding accommodating
low
low other orientation high
Avoiding refers to avoiding open discussions about differences or unpleasant exchanges. This
relates closely to ghosting, but without the disappearing part. Avoiding can also be keeping conflict
to yourself, in order to complete avoid any type of discomfort speaking up may bring. An example
of this can be when your bf/gf sees you have been liking other peoples’ pics on Instagram, and they
text you confronting you about it. By you not texting back or waiting to talk to them until they stop
asking about it, that is avoiding the conflict at all costs. This would most likely be the outcome of
said situation if the topic of liking pics was a problem in the past.
Accommodating is when one gives in to the wishes of someone else. Going along with what others
suggest, as to accommodate to what they want, even if you want to do something else. Relating to
the same situation of liking pics, the end result here would be that you stop liking other peoples’
pics, even if you want to, because you are accommodating to your bf/gf’s wishes.
Competing is more about competition and using whatever power one possesses in a relationship
in order to get what they want. These people are firm in what they want and will aggressively
pursue it to “win.” An example of this could be when your parents tell you to clean the kitchen, even
though they made they mess, but will take your phone or car away if you don’t do what they say,
because they can. I know, it’s not fair, but hey, we grow up and they will need us one day!
Compromising uses the “give and take” approach in order for both in the situation
to be content with the outcome. This proposes a middle ground when two people
cannot come to an agreement. An example of this could be if your parents tell you
to clean the kitchen, and you agree to do it only if they let you go to the concert that
they originally said no to. They agree to let you go, and you clean the kitchen, so
everyone is happy in the situation.
Finally, collaborating, is the most sought-after result, which entails working with the
other person for better understanding, and collaborate ideas that will result in
meeting both peoples’ overall goals. An example of this could be trying to decide
with your bf/gf what you want to do after college, regarding where you’d want to
live, and anything that has to do with making a decision that would cause a change
in both of your lives.
Honestly, this is just a quick rundown of how to effectively
communicate in your relationships, relating to conflict, but these
are steps we should always follow in order to be a competent
communicator. I’m not saying you have to use these on your THAT was
next tinder match or the next person that hops in your dm’s, but
if you want someone to really like you, use these. They will easy!
definitely like you more, unless they are crazy. I hope this helps,
we all could use some tips on how to better communiate with
one another!
