Toilet Paper
by
Emma Goldman-Sherman
270 Seaman Ave Apt F6
New York, NY 10034
646-260-8102
emmagoldmansherman@gmail.com
CHARACTERS
diversity is preferable
FATHER
RODNEY (their grown son, at least late teens if not older)
MOTHER
Synopsis: A mother attempts to educate her family, but they refuse to learn.
PLACE - the home - this can be as abstract or as realized as desired - the audience is a part of
this home - the audience is on the fourth wall and is seen at times by the characters who
acknowledge the audience and have fun playing in front of them, to them, with them
TIME - tonight until it becomes a period piece that only serves to remind us what it was like in
the dark time when this sort of thing was ubiquitous
> means continue to your next line
TOILET PAPER
AT RISE: FATHER and RODNEY both separately enter to create the space so
that THEY can lounge in total comfort.
It should just happen without the typical house to half/house out/etc - it should
just happen as strangely as possible with circus maneuvers, clowning, and
general buffoonery while THEY become comfortable in their own ways on their
own, ignoring each other as much as possible. THIS IS AN ABSTRACT DANCE
that should be choreographed but seem completely just thought of and in the
moment and include getting themselves set up with cool drinks or coffee,
somethings to nosh on, and their screen of choice, headsets/earpods, and all the
pillows needed for the best in lounging comfort.
By the end of this Dance, there is absolutely nothing THEY need. IF THEY
make a mess during this dance, THEY leave it. Someone else will have to deal
with that. THIS TAKES TIME, and THEY should accomplish a lot in this time.
During this time we hear their headsets/earpods at different choreographed
intervals, so if RODNEY puts on his earpods, we will hear contemporary rap or
hip hop music. As FATHER puts on his headset, we hear the game he is listening
to, but if HE gets up and takes them off, the game goes out. Circus music could
also play.
When MOTHER enters, the CIRCUS music becomes heightened over the music
and the game which do not stop. MOTHER has bags filled with things that
need to be put away. SHE has her hands full in more ways than one. This is a
Juggling Act about Competency - it should be Astounding - and may include
actual juggling, the spinnng of plates, a unicycle, gymnastics, and great feats of
daring - go for it! and yet FATHER and RODNEY do not notice or offer to help.
At the end of whatever magnificent feats SHE manages to do, SHE bows to the
audience who SHE can see. At any time SHE may offer her opinion/attitude of
the situation to the audience. It is not a happy opinion but SHE may look happy in
offering it. All this TAKES TIME and SHOULD LOOK HARD. Now that everything
SHE brought in has been put away or placed in some special way, SHE is left
with or picks up a single roll of toilet paper that SHE brought in with her.
MOTHER
Someone texted me there was no more toilet paper.
There is no response from FATHER or
RODNEY
MOTHER
Someone, Sweetheart, >
2
FATHER knows this means him and he
responds somehow without actually
responding
MOTHER
texted me and I responded. Several times. And no one ever texted back. I responded with the
answer to the puzzle: "where is the toilet paper?"
FATHER would respond to MOTHER's
incorrect re-interpretation of his text, but he
is so comfortable that he lets the impulse
go, but MOTHER notices anyway.
MOTHER
Yes, I am well aware that you texted me "please bring home toilet paper" as if we were out,
but I know we are not out. So I translated your text into the question, "where is the toilet paper?"
FATHER
You translated?
MOTHER
The same way a mother translates her baby's cries into "I'm wet!" or "I'm tired!" or "I'm hungry!"
or "I'm hot!" or "I'm cold!" or "I'm thirsty" or "I have a raging virus!" I texted back, "the toilet paper
is under the sink." Did you see the text I sent?
FATHER
I was only relaying the information from Rodney.
RODNEY responds enough to let the
audience know that HE knows HE is being
talked about, but HE doesn't respond
enough for it to count as a response to his
mother.
MOTHER
Rodney?
RODNEY
I never saw your text. I didn't text you in the first place. All I did was let Dad know that we were
out.
FATHER
(to MOTHER, proud)
And I texted you to let you know!
MOTHER
(to FATHER)
And I texted you with an answer. "It's under the sink!" Why didn't you respond?
3
NO ONE responds.
MOTHER
(to FATHER)
So I texted you with a query. "Did you get my text?" I texted you several times trying to find out if
you had indeed found the toilet paper. But you never responded, not once. So I brought home a
roll of toilet paper just in case there were thieves who stole into our home and made off with the
toilet paper, or maybe mice who ate through the entire case of toilet paper - all 12 rolls - I bought
two days ago sitting under the sink where all the toilet paper in the world always is. How could
you not know this?
FATHER
Is this a reason to get worked up?
RODNEY
I think she's worked up.
MOTHER
You haven't seen worked up.
FATHER
Calm down.
RODNEY
Just like a woman, right Dad?
FATHER
Don't antagonize her, Son, she can't help it.
MOTHER
Have I ever left you in the lurch before? Am I unreliable?
FATHER
Are you asking me to answer that?
MOTHER
Did I just ask you?
FATHER
Well, I wasn't gonna say anything, but you aren't exactly reliable -
(guarding against his assumption of her imminent interruption)
let me speak! - but I don't think I'd go so far as to call you unreliable because that might hurt
your feelings, and you know how sensitive you can be.
MOTHER
Really!
4
RODNEY is enjoying this somehow and
MOTHER is somehow aware of this
MOTHER
(to RODNEY)
I can see you rolling your eyes over there. You think I can't see you but I can see you. I know
you're thinking "here she goes again!" For your information Rodney I am not doing anything
other than being the most competent wife and mother that I can be. This is not easy for me
although it may look easy to you.
RODNEY
Don't worry, Mom, you don't make it look easy.
MOTHER
Maybe, because neither of you will ever be mothers, you have endless resentment for those of
us who are actual mothers, in the trenches - yes, the trenches of family life - because I often feel
as if you are at war with me. "Could that be one of those unreliable feelings?" you ask. No, I say,
it is a feeling I know well, a feeling I have come to rely on! A feeling that comes when I need to
pay attention and understand something, a flashing neon light of a feeling that I am taking very
seriously right now as you roll your eyes and say to yourself "if it's familiar to her then it's
probably just where she goes when she gets this way," as if you two have done nothing, nothing
at all, just sitting idly by, not provoking me with the texts you are sending or not sending.
RODNEY
I am definitely not doing anything at all, Mom, and I didn't send you a text.
MOTHER
Your father sent me a text.
FATHER
So you're gonna blame me?
MOTHER
Blame you for what? What have you done?
FATHER
Exactly! I only texted you because he told me we were out of toilet paper.
MOTHER
Couldn't you see for yourself that we have 12 rolls under the sink? You didn't think to say,
"Rodney, did you check under the sink?"
FATHER
I didn't know that we kept it under the sink.
MOTHER
Where else would the toilet paper be?
5
FATHER
You always put the toilet paper on top of the toilet tank. There's always a roll or two right there.
Always. Forever. Ever since we first married in the early Pleistocene Era. It never occurred to
me that there were other rolls in other places.
MOTHER
There's always toilet paper under the sink.
FATHER
How would I know that?
MOTHER
I sent you a text.
FATHER
But you act like I should have known that before I got your text.
MOTHER
So you got the text?
FATHER
Can you put your text aside for a moment? How am I supposed to know that? Would anyone
know that? If you didn't always provide the extra rolls on the back of the toilet, I might have
learned that and been able to tell Rodney, "it's under the sink." Because I think that's what
you're trying to say - in your hostile passive aggressive way - but because you take care of it -
what's that called? There's a name for the kind of person who does that.
RODNEY
Enabler.
FATHER
That's it - you enable us.
MOTHER
I what?
FATHER
You enable us to be unaware.
MOTHER
Are you out of your mind?
RODNEY
Yeah, you're an enabler Mom.
FATHER
You let us live our lives not knowing. And you are not helping him to be a full member of society
with your toilet-paper-enabling behavior.
6
MOTHER
I sent you a text.
FATHER
This can't be fixed with a text.
MOTHER
No? What do you suggest?
FATHER
Penance. You should apologize to us.
RODNEY
Dad's right, Mom. You should apologize.
MOTHER
I should apologize?
RODNEY
I was in there and all of a sudden everything was impossible. I looked at the roll - empty. I
turned to get another roll and there was nothing there. I turned the other way. Nothing! Like
everything that would normally have happened -- like normally, no problem? Could. Not.
Happen. I thought I handled it really well, but what a mess! I never had to think about what I
should do in a situation like that. Like not once in my whole entire life has that ever come up.
And you can't say that's not your fault.
MOTHER
And that's something you think I should apologize for?
FATHER
Are you going to be difficult about this, hon?
MOTHER
Difficult?
(to RODNEY)
I want to know how you solved the problem.
RODNEY
I took a shower!
RODNEY physically asks the audience to
applaud him and whether or not they do, HE
hears, and perhaps makes, the applause of
a stadium and appreciates it and himself.
RODNEY
And then I told Dad we're outta toilet paper.
7
MOTHER
And now you know that toilet paper is usually. . .
RODNEY
Is this a test?
MOTHER
It's just a question.
RODNEY
It feels like a test.
MOTHER
I am only trying to find out if you know where we keep the toilet paper so that next time you
don't have to take a shower.
RODNEY
Next time? What next time?
MOTHER
Can you just tell me where it is?
RODNEY
Wait, you don't know?
MOTHER
I want to know if you know.
RODNEY
We're out.
MOTHER
We have plenty of toilet paper!
RODNEY discovers the roll of toilet paper
SHE brought in.
RODNEY
Touchdown! I'll go put it on the back of the toilet.
MOTHER
You could put it on the roll.
RODNEY
You do that.
Wait, what are you saying?
8
MOTHER
I may not always be here. I may file for divorce and put you up for adoption.
MOTHER exits. Pause while RODNEY
considers this idea.
RODNEY
Do you think there will be toilet paper on the back of the toilet in my new home?
FATHER (as if waking from a nap)
Did you say something, hon? Hon? Where'd she go?
RODNEY
She didn't take the toilet paper with her, so I doubt she went to the toilet. I get this feeling
sometimes. I'm having this feeling right now. It's a feeling that says she thinks I should do
something only I'm not sure what it is she wants me to do.
FATHER
Don't worry - it'll pass.
`MOTHER enters with a packed suitcase.
MOTHER
I will not apologize. I know you think I'm being difficult. I know you think I'm overreacting. I know
you think this is just how women are. "You can't trust them. You can't rely on them. You can't
please them. You can never win." Well, you're wrong. But I'm not going to explain it to you. And
I'm not going to fix it. I am certainly not going to enable you again.
MOTHER exits with her suitcase. Pause
while RODNEY feels something.
RODNEY
That feeling is back.
FATHER
What feeling?
RODNEY
The one that was like I should do something but you said I should let it pass
FATHER
Yeah?
RODNEY
Yeah
FATHER
I kinda think I might have that feeling too.
9
RODNEY
Yeah?
FATHER
Yeah
RODNEY
So what should we do?
FATHER
It usually passes.
RODNEY and FATHER shift about in a
Dance of Discomfort reminiscent of their
first dance but that was in anticipation of
comfort, and this is an attempt to dispel their
discomfort. It should go on a bit too long.
RODNEY
How long does it take to pass?
FATHER
Usually it's not too long.
RODNEY and FATHER shift again in the
Dance of Discomfort, both increasingly
uncomfortable, and THEY begin to involve
each other in their efforts perhaps
insinuating blame. Again this goes on for too
long.
RODNEY
What if it doesn't pass? What do you do?
FATHER
I have no clue.
(seeing audience)
Do you?
END OF PLAY
