Down-N-Dirty

Guide to
Winning Your
Spouse Back!
By Lee H. Baucom, Ph.D.
© Copyright , All Rights Reserved

There is one reason for this Guide: to get you traction when the process is
not easy. This Guide is designed to give you the edge you need. But let
me be clear – we are NOT resorting to manipulation. That is a dead-end.

By now you're probably swimming in information on how to save your

marriage. You're probably confused the all the conflicting information your
hearing. Your probably exhausted thinking about it so let me give you
some guidelines for how to get through the confusion.

First, take a look at who's giving you the information. Are they an expert?
Or are they marketers trying to give you information it has they want to sell
it? You have probably already found both.

Here's a clue: if they suggest that you manipulate your spouse for your
spouse or tried to make your spouse jealous. Close the information and
run. That information will quickly destroy your marriage. That information
will also make it next to impossible to work on your marriage.

I'm not saying that you might not find some good information from other
sources. I just want you to be clear about where that source is coming
from. If they are an expert, listen. If they are marketers, you might want to
avoid it.

Eventually, you have to decide on which information you listen to.

Sometimes, you find very conflicting opinions on how to save your marriage
“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 1 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
and you can't go down three roads at the same time. You have to choose
one direction.

Since you're reading this, you've already decided to give my information a

try so let's get started with some information to help you quickly begin to
rebuild your relationship.

Here's how we do this: we will be using a question-and-answer format to

get you the information you need in order to make a plan on how to save
your marriage.

Question: my spouse is angry, and I found myself getting caught up

in my spouse's emotions. What can I do to keep this from
happening?

First you need to realize that your spouse is feeling hurt and/or threat, not
anger. You see, anger is a secondary emotion that comes out when we are
hurt. So, you see the anger, but you miss the hurt. You need to make it
almost a meditation that your spouse is hurt, not angry. In fact, I often
recommend that people make a note card saying, "my spouse is hurt, not
angry."

Now, you may want to justify that you are just as hurt as your spouse. You
may want to say that your spouse has no reason to be angry. You may
want to say that your spouse doesn't have a reason to be hurt. That is, at
this point, irrelevant.

I don't mean that it is unimportant. I just mean that if you want to save your
marriage, it's irrelevant. YOU are the one focusing on this, so YOU have to
decide how you will move forward. And in that process, your hurt is
irrelevant to moving things along. That can be addressed and soothed
when your marriage is stable again.

The fact is that your spouse is hurt and that comes out as anger. Forget
that and you will get yourself caught up in their anger. Neither of you will
benefit.

You'll also remember from my main text Save The Marriage, that much of
our anger is based on misperceptions. When the misperceptions are
cleared up, the anger goes away. That is true for you, too. You will find

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 2 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
that as the misperceptions fall away, the anger dissipates, softens to hurt,
and is healed. Misperceptions miscreate emotions and expression.

Question: so, how shall I act? What do I do?

The background piece for this is what I call the C's. Let's take a look at the
three C's, one at a time.

Calm. This is the first C. the simple reason for this is because without
being calm, you will be constantly reacting and responding to your spouse's
emotions. In fact, you will get so caught up into reacting to the emotions
that you will not be able to put your plan into play.

I often hear people tell me they don't want to react. But, they found
themselves reactive to their spouse. This is what I mean by not being
calm. Panic is the enemy. Unfortunately, this is the typical response at this
point. So you have to make a decision to stay calm, even if your spouse is
not.

Sometimes, people tell me that they had no choice but to react. They tell
me it's just the way it is. They have no control over their emotions. That is
justification. We all control our emotions at certain times.

Would you stomp into your boss’s office and yell at them and scream at
them in a panic? Probably not, but we do that with our spouses all the
time.

The fact is that every day, we moderate our own emotions. We choose not
to punch the person in front of you with too many items in their cart, we
choose not to scream at the police officer that pulls you over when you
were driving with traffic, we choose to not make a scene at the restaurant
when the wait staff dumps a glass of water on you. OK, maybe some do.
But you note my distinction here. Given the right circumstances, you will
respond more calmly than you feel.

I want you to understand that we all choose how are going to respond,
even if we don't recognize that we are choosing.

Also, the Calm I am noting is not just faking it. You really DO need to work
on being calm. That means that you are taking care of yourself – getting

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 3 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
some exercise, eating appropriately, getting adequate rest, practicing
calming techniques, and pursuing some interests.

Consistent. This is the second C. one of the problems with working on a

marriage is that we often find ourselves heading one way, then another,
then another, then another. We never pause long enough to see if there is
any effectiveness to or doing. When we have another good idea, we try
that too.

Or we try something and instead of waiting to see if it works, we throw our

hands up and march off. Sometimes, this just serves to prove your spouse
right. They realize that what they most feared, that you cannot change, is
obviously true. Is that what you want your spouse to see?

In the midst of a crisis, your spouse does not need to see indecision. You
may not think that you are being indecisive when you keep trying new
techniques, but that's what it will look like to your spouse. Be consistent
about your approach. Choose your direction, and stick with it.

To reiterate, be consistent, pick your path, then continue going down that
path. You can count on the fact that things will get worse before they get
better. Your spouse will be testing you to see if you have really changed.
Your spouse will be questioning your motives, wondering about what you're
up to, and thinking you're trying to fool them. Don't prove them right. Be
consistent.

One quick note to illustrate your tricky mind: you will tend to place
everything under the rubric of “save my marriage.” So, this technique, that
approach, this manipulation, that trick – you throw them under the same
tent. Your spouse will not see it that way. Your spouse will see a very
inconsistent interaction – something he or she can’t trust – and that is how
you lose their trust in this process.

Constant. This is the third C. keep moving forward even if it seems that
you're making no progress. Don't worry about the battle, think about the
war. You are trying to save a marriage that requires you to keep that in
mind as the ultimate goal and not worry about the little things along the
way.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 4 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Being constant means that you don’t do something this week, then fail to
take another action for a couple of weeks. You don’t start your efforts, then
stop your efforts (even when your feelings get hurt), then start again, only
to stop again. You keep it up, on a regular basis, as part of your plan.

Being constant means that you keep it up. For as long as you have to, until
you prove the marriage is worth saving. This can be very frustrating, so
you need somebody to talk to. You need to have a close friend, someone
who can listen to your frustrations and keep you on track.

This does not mean that you tell the world. In fact, in the section on what
not to do in the midst of a crisis, I warned against telling more than one or
two people. I want to reiterate that here. Choose only one or two trusted
people to tell.

If you have support, then it is easier for you to stay constant in your
process to save the marriage.

Question: my spouse is tired about me saying how I'm going to

change. How can I prove that I am changing?

Tough question. This indicates that the marriage has gotten to the point
where your spouse does not think that you are capable of making the
changes that you have long been promising. Now I don't know you, so I
can't be attacking you directly. I can only tell you that most marriages fall
apart after years and years of spouses wanting the other person to change.

You probably have a list of the ways that you want your spouse to change
to. However, if you have chosen to save your marriage, you have to set
that list aside and look at how YOU need to change in order to keep the
marriage on track. I'm not saying this is fair, only that this is the way it is.

So for now, set aside the list that you have for your spouse and focus on
how you need to change.

The place to start is by looking in the mirror. You need to start changing
yourself. I say that without knowing you, knowing that all of us need to
make changes. We all grow stagnant and begin to believe we are “done
growing.” As soon as you think you are done growing, you are stagnating.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 5 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
And even if you are open to growth, that only points to more growth that is
possible and awaiting you.

A cornerstone of my approach is changing and growing both yourself and

the relationship. In fact, if you follow this plan, the worst that happens is
you come out of this crisis having changed yourself for the better. That's
not a bad place to be.

Exercise: so let's get started with this process.

Step one: I want you to take out a pad of paper and number from 1 to 10.
Now, beside the numbers I want you to write down one thing that you've
heard over and over from your spouse that he or she wants you to change.
Right now, you just want to brainstorm about what you've heard. You don't
have to worry about how your spouse phrased it. You don’t have to worry
about being accurate. You only want to get down the ideas of how you
need to change that your spouse has given to you over the years.

So right now take a moment and write down the Top 10 Things Your
Spouse Wants You to Change.

Okay, now a little editing work. Take each of the phrases that you've
written down and write them in a clearer statement one that is less negative
and angry than you may have heard from your spouse. But make sure it is
something that you can agree with; be honest with yourself. Be honest with
what you've heard from your spouse. Is there a kernel of truth with what
your spouse has said? This takes some brutal honesty, but if most of us
are honest, what we keep hearing from our spouse has some truth to it.

Now take another look at that list. If there really are some items on there
that you just cannot accept as something you need to change, cross them
out, but make sure you're being honest with yourself.

Step two: below the each of the phrases that you agree with and see some
need to change, write down five ways you can make the change. Don't put
just one. In fact, if you can come up with 10 ways, put 10. Here's why: the
first couple will be obvious. The next few will be a little bit better. The next
few will probably be excellent ideas. The last few will be struggles,
desperation attempts to fill in the blanks. You want the full range of
possibilities.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 6 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Step three: choose 2 to 3 of the ways you can make the change and begin
to implement them. Don't to be haphazard about this, make a journal.
Write down what you are going to do each day to follow your plan.

Step four: don't allow yourself to be derailed. Don't allow your spouse's
anger, frustration or resentment get you to stop your action plan. Don't
allow your spouse to keep you from changing in ways that you need to
change. The irony is your spouse may want you to change and still be so
upset that you actually refuse to change. Even when you know it’s a good
idea. Don't allow that to happen. My hope is that at the end of the day, you
can look in the mirror and see that you're a better person than you were at
the beginning,

Let's be honest here, and none of us have the power to change our
spouse. That is something over which you have ZERO control. But all of
us have the power to change ourselves. It may be that we have to change
actions. It may be that we have to change attitudes. In fact, in the end, the
biggest choice we have is to change our attitude.

Question: why should I have to make the changes?

The question is very simple. You are the one who wants to do the work to
save this marriage. And you have the power only to change yourself.

One of the things that is of interest to me is how we tell ourselves stories to

reinforce what we believe. In fact, one of the things we all should often
wonder is “who would I be if I didn't keep telling myself the same story?”
Who would I be if I didn't keep telling myself the same messages about my
spouse about relationship and about problems in our lives?”

We all have a script running in our head. We are all excellent scriptwriters.
Unfortunately, most of the scripts don't play out the way we want them to.
Sometimes we have angry dialogs with our spouse or imagine how they
respond in angry ways and how we respond in angry ways. Sometimes,
we have conversations where we make our point. Our spouse suddenly
sees the logic of our view, and everything gets better. Unfortunately, both
scripts are fiction, or trying to get us to the place where our stories are
representative of our lives. So who would you be without your story?

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 7 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Why should you make changes? Because you'll be better for having done
it and you may save your marriage in the process.

You may find yourself in a "lose-lose" situation. Your spouse may say that
he or she wants you to change, but when you change, he or she may say
that they don't believe that you've really changed. That's a common
situation. What it shows is that it may take a while of being changed before
your spouse believes it. Don't let this situation cause you to give up. Keep
moving forward with your plan. Remember, you are changing, because
you will be better. The hope is that this will also help your marriage.

One note: DO NOT proclaim HOW you are going to change. Don’t
promise to change. CHANGE. And BE the change. Let it be seen, not
told.

You will not be perfect at the change. But if you proclaim a change, you will
be held to perfecting that change. And when you fail, it will be seen as total
failure – not just a slip.

Question: you said there are some dangerous ways to try to save
your marriage. What are they?

The Internet is full of information, some of the information is useful and

some of it is useless.

First, let's take a look at some of the more obvious useless advice.
Anything that tells you that you can hypnotize or cast a spell on a spouse is
bad advice. That seems obvious, but many people in desperate situations
grasp at straws. Hypnosis is an excellent tool, if you want to stop smoking,
lose weight or many other applications. But you can't hypnotize the spouse
very easily; hypnosis, only works when somebody wants to be hypnotized.
And at least from my perspective, spells are worthless.

So let's look at some of the more commonly accepted manipulations. The

first is reverse psychology. There are several Internet resources that will
tell you that you need to just go with what your spouse says. If your
spouse says, “I want a divorce.” say "that's fine." In essence, you are to do
a reverse psychology. Likely, if you have been arguing, a sudden change
in perspective will stop your spouse for an instant. However, it will be very
short-lived.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 8 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Reverse psychology is the old manipulation of telling someone the exact
opposite of what you want them to do. If you're familiar with the stories of
B'rer Rabbit, then you know what reverse psychology is. When the bear
and the fox are about to cook the rabbit, the rabbit begs for them not to
throw him into the briar patch. In fact, he begs so well to not be thrown into
the briar patch, that is exactly what they do. And off the rabbit runs through
the briar patch and away from his former captors.

The problem is, reverse psychology is manipulation. It may work for an

instant. But it won't stop the process. Now don't get me wrong. Reverse
psychology can work. If you want your child to eat vegetables, all you have
to say is "don't you dare eat any of those vegetables." But that is a very
short-term solution, and it doesn't include a determined spouse.

You may have already run across this advice on the Internet. There is a
popular resource on how to stop your divorce. The whole premise is
reverse psychology. What you will learn in this process is pure
manipulation. Be very careful when you use those techniques. They often
backfire.

Another method that you might hear about on the Internet is making your
spouse jealous. In fact another book is dedicated to trying to create the
magic of making up. This is a major premise of this book. If your spouse
seems to indicate that he or she wants to leave the relationship, you
actively set out to make that person jealous. The plan is that if they
become jealous enough, they will want to come back to the relationship.
The truth is, it shows how little you value the relationship. In fact, what
often happens is you completely destroy the trust of the other person. Not
a good way to restart the relationship.

Related to this is the concept of the “No Contact Rule.” For a certain period
of time, you are supposed to have NO contact with the spouse. No calls,
no texts, nothing. The idea is to give them “space” (a misuse of the idea of
emotional space – which is an important idea – but it does not mean to
have NO contact. Just HOW you have contact.

The idea is that “absence makes the heart grow fonder.” But in reality,
“absence makes the FOND heart grow fonder.” When there is hurt and
anger, it only feels like relief – and disconnection.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 9 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
The final way that I would want you to avoid trying to save the relationship
is by using force or threats or coercion. Now, you're not likely to find this in
any book, but we often resort to it when we're desperate. We try to force
our spouse into wanting to stay, or we make a threat about finances or
children or the future. And sometimes, we even threaten the physical
safety of our spouse. Sometimes we even try to coerce them. This may be
with finances or leveraging such things as housing, employment or other
items of concern.

Avoid this at all costs. It is not a marriage if you have to force the person to
be there. They become a prisoner. In fact, I would contend that this
creates an abusive relationship.

Question: what about a separation? Do you think that would help us

sort things out?

Almost always, a separation is a dress rehearsal for divorce. Simply put,

statistically speaking, separations do not save marriages. Think about it
this way: if you want to work on the marriage and you do it by living apart,
how can you really be working on the marriage? Sure, you are getting a
little bit of peace and space to think about the relationship, but you won't be
working on the relationship. (See my note on the No Contact Rule above.)

More than that, if there is another person, a separation only creates the
opportunities for that affair to deepen. This quickly makes a reparable
situation become irreparable.

In fact, I have rarely seen a separation do any good. I have seen it do lots
of harm. So my recommendation is to not separate. The only exception to
this rule is if your spouse refuses to work on the marriage without being
separated. In other words, it's a last resort. If your spouse makes an
ultimatum that the only way he or she will even consider working on the
relationship is not being separated, then you may be backed into a corner
and have no choice. That is my only exception.

One thing I do want to mention here: separations that happen within the
house are much more acceptable in my mind. In other words, if you
choose to be in separate rooms, that's different than one person being out
of the house. Sometimes there's so much frustration that it takes being

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 10 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
separated that far in order to get things going again. There's nothing
harder than sleeping beside someone you are furious with. My hope would
be that would be a short-term solution until the emotions began to turn the
corner and come back to a good place.

Question: so how should I treat my spouse? What emotions should I

show my spouse?

This is a tough question. The reason it's so tough is because there are so
many emotions that run around within us that it's hard to choose which
ones to show and which ones to hide. I can give some general guidelines.

First, no negative emotions. No drama, no explosions, no physical

outbursts, etc. But don't be detached. Don't be devoid of emotion. Act in
loving and caring ways, but without too much emotion. Don't seek physical
attention. Basically, be pleasant, upbeat, and positive.

That's a tall order for some people. You may be so overwhelmed with
emotion that is hard to keep a cap on the negativity. But do your best; your
spouse is looking for a reason to stay detached. Don't offer it up on a silver
platter.

So let's talk for a minute about what your spouse wants from you. I believe
there are two primary feelings that need to be present for a spouse to want
to stay in the relationship. The first is acceptance. People need to feel
accepted in order to stay in a relationship. In fact, this is probably the
biggest driving force in an affair. People usually feel accepted completely
by the person they are involved with. That is quite an aphrodisiac.

So whether there is an affair going on or not, you need to take advantage

of that need. Show acceptance to your spouse. The opposite of
acceptance is trying to change your spouse. Acceptance is not the same
as thinking that they are perfect. Acceptance is about accepting them for
who they are, shortcomings and all.

The second feeling that people want us to feel wanted. There are two
opposites of feeling wanted. One is the feeling of being needed. The other
is the feeling of being unwanted. Both of the opposites are very
destructive. People want to be wanted in a multitude of ways: physically,
emotionally, and sexually. But neediness is quite a turnoff. That's the

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 11 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
problem with the sense of desperation that comes about in the midst of a
crisis. It sends out the needy message rather than the "I want you"
message.

This can be a tricky one to show, given that your spouse probably does not
appear to want to feel wanted. At least obviously. But what if you could
make it look like you want them, without them feeling pressured? That
becomes very seductive.

In fact, if you can make the other person feel both accepted and wanted,
you may see a huge shift in perspective. As I said earlier, this is quite an
aphrodisiac.

Question: so what is my plan? What can I do to win my spouse back?

This is the heart of the question isn't? I am assuming that you have
already read my main manual Save The Marriage. This is important
because it gives you the backbone theory of why you're doing this. You are
trying to get to WE. If you don't know what that's about, go read the
manual first. Otherwise, you don't know what we're heading for and the
information will backfire.

Okay, as we get into this, there are a couple of elements to process. First,
we are seeking a slow reconnection. Nothing drastic, nothing earth-
shaking. Instead, it is a slow process of reconnecting, then coming back
together. Second, we are trying to nurture a friendship. Friendship is one
of the core components required for a marriage to work. In fact, if I can get
friendship, paired with passion, I have a marriage that will last a long time.

Let's start with some ground rules. First, no more constant talking about
the relationship. No more checking in on how things are going. No more
suggestions of books to read, articles to read, videos to watch, websites to
check out. Whenever we get into trying to get our spouse to read
something that made sense to us, we show that we are trying to get them
to change. And whenever we try to get someone else to change, they
resist. That's the nature of humans. We like to defend what we believe.
Even when we know it's not true.

Let me say this even more clearly: what people believe, they reinforce with
more and more strength, when they are faced with somebody who is trying

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 12 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
to give them a different view. In other words, if they are not opening to
listening to you, and you try to tell them something, and that something
contradicts what they believe, they will find proof that they are right and you
are wrong.

So for now, no “big relationship talk.” That dioes not mean you can’t
discuss the relationship. In fact, if your spouse brings it up, you need to
listen and acknowledge their space.

Here is what I mean by the “Big Relationship Talk” (and this is particularly
true for women): You have this mental script in your mind, where you lay
out all the reasons for not breaking up, you want to show the letters you
have from the past that proclaim undying love, you have statistics about
what happens in a divorce, etc., etc., etc. You have built up your case, and
you want to present it. In your mind, you imagine a spouse then saying,
“You are so right. Let’s make this work” (or some similar phrasing). You
are just wanting the opportunity to plead your case.

THAT is the “Big Relationship Talk.” DO NOT try to have that talk.

And for now, no romantic situations. Instead, we want to set up situations

where you can go somewhere neutral, have a good time, and with little
pressure.

So imagine walking in (or calling, if separated), and saying "I'm going to

grab some coffee, would you like to go with me?" Do you see the setup of
that? Your spouse can say yes or no. Either way, there's no pressure. If
your spouse says “yes,” great. If your spouse says “no,” go grab a cup of
coffee. This helps for next time. It shows that you are just trying to get
them to go with you to get a cup of coffee. It shows them that you are
headed out and you just happen to invite them along. Kind of like friends
do. I call this a “Tag Along.” Not a date. They are “tagging along.”

So let's assume they say no. Then go have your cup of coffee, wait for a
few days, and try again. Remember, we’re not out to win the battle at this
point. We're out to win the war. That takes a longer-term vision. Don't
worry about a rejection here for an angry word there. Keep moving
forward.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 13 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Don't drink coffee? Do the same thing with a trip to the bookstore, or going
to get ice cream, or somewhere else that is low-key, nonromantic, and feels
safe.

But let's say your spouse says “yes.” Out for coffee you go. No talks about
the relationship, no moping, no drama, just light conversation... like friends
would have. See where we are headed? We're starting to build a
connection. Slowly and surely.

If, while on this trip, you bring up the relationship, or ask where "things are,"
you lose big points. I mean MAJOR points. You will make your spouse
gun shy. You don't want that. So stay light, and focus on how things are
going for both of you, with life in general, not your relationship.

Just to be clear, the next step is to keep doing more of the same. It sounds
simple, but this is not an easy process for most people. The reason for this
is because most people are under extreme stress at this point, and they
want to find a resolution. In fact, this is what gets them into trouble. It's the
desperation that comes along with the crisis that causes the problem.

In fact, in my estimation, at least 70% of the destruction of a problem in a

relationship is our reaction to our spouse's reaction. In other words, a
small crisis becomes a big crisis because of our reaction.

Keep a long-term perspective in mind. Stay focused, and clear about what
we are trying to get to, and don't allow your anxiety to sabotage your
process. To recap: no relationship talks, light conversation, non-romantic
places, and showing your pleasant self.

Question: why is my reaction so important?

Because couples, over the years, learn to respond to each other. Or more
accurately, react to each other. In other words, there is a ping-pong effect.
A spouse’s reaction creates a reaction within the spouse, which triggers a
reaction with the other spouse, which triggers a reaction with us... and so
on. So if you're trying to save the marriage, it's time to take control of that
reaction and keep it from continuing to destroy the relationship.

Why do you have to do this? Because you're the one trying to save the
marriage. I don't know if your spouse is also trying to say the marriage,

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 14 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
but I know that you are because you're reading this. What would be great
is if both people decided to stop reacting to the other. However, this is
rarely the case. Somebody has to take the lead. Right now, that person is
you.

Question: what now?

Okay, so you've had some success in going to get coffee with your spouse.
By "coffee," I mean whatever you chose to do with your spouse. As I said,
the next step is doing more of the same. So, let's assume that you've had
some success with this, you've managed to avoid talking about the
relationship, you've avoid assessing where you are in the legal process,
and you had a good time.

I would suggest that for the next month or so, you continue just doing the
same thing. But, make it a little bigger. For instance, go take a walk, go to
the park, have a picnic; in other words, do something that is a little more
involved. You are basically trying to rebuild a friendship -- no romantic
actions or discussions.

However, you might add in a hug at the end, as long as it's not a long hug.
What we are trying to do is fly below the radar. In other words we’re trying
to cozy up to the other person without them realizing that that's what we're
doing.

Does that sound familiar? It will work, because that's the pattern most
people do, when they start a relationship and are dating. What we are
saying is that we are trying to have a natural approach to rebuilding the
relationship. Over time, you will notice that your spouse begins to join you
in that process. When that happens, you know that you're making
progress.

That would be the time to add a little more affection: handholding, light
kisses, etc. Don't jump too quickly into this, as this will send up red flags.

A little metaphor: During the early wars, whole troops would stand face-to-
face with each other and slug it out. That's what most people try to do with
the trying to win a spouse back. In other words, they try the most direct
and forceful approach. It's based on fear, and it's based on bad advice.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 15 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
In later wars, troops realized that sneaking around, and making small
ambushes led to bigger successes. That's what we're trying to do. We're
trying to win small battles along the way until we’ve won the war. That war
is between losing a marriage in saving a marriage.

Question: what if my spouse won't do anything with me?

That would indicate that your spouse really is hurt by your "actions." I put
actions in quotes because you may disagree that there have been any
actions for which they should feel hurt. That doesn't mean they don't feel
hurt. You have to deal with their perceptions, not the reality that your
spouse believes. Again, see my main manual Save The Marriage.
People's perceptions are much more powerful than reality.

So, if your spouse is feeling that hurt, we need to do a little first aid. If this
is the case, it is extremely important for you to read the manual. Here's
why: you need to write an Apology Letter. That letter needs to take
accountability for what you did/didn’t do in the relationship that caused hurt
and disconnection (NOT full responsibility for EVERYTHING, but
responsibility for your part of it. And that letter needs to describe the
relationship that you want to have. It has to be different than the
relationship you have had in the past, or it won't be appealing to your
spouse. Likely, it won't even be appealing to you. The manual will help
because you need to know what a marriage should be about, as opposed
to what it's been about.

I'm assuming at this point that you have now read the manual. So write
your letter, based on what you read in the manual about what a marriage
should be. Talk about being a WE. Paint a picture of what your marriage
could be. Track where you would like to go with your marriage.

Remember, you need to make some apologies for whatever past actions
that have caused the hurt. Apologize without giving explanations of why
your actions happened. Explanations will sound like excuses, and stop the
process.

Just to be clear, write a letter in longhand. No e-mail, and no oral

presentation of the content. Write it, put it in an envelope, and either mail it
or leave it where your spouse will find it. Do not hand it to them.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 16 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Here's why you're doing it this way: first, e-mails are impersonal. Second,
speaking the letter gives room for argument. You don't even want a
response. You want your spouse to read the information and absorb it.

Why in a sealed envelope? Have you ever not read a letter that was in a
sealed envelope? We are playing off natural human curiosity.

Don’t hand it over, as they can then make a point of throwing it away or
tearing it up, without looking at it. Often, this is more for show. But you
don’t want the letter to be instantly discarded.

Remember, a letter can be read several times to get the full meaning.
That's important when you're trying to give a picture of where you want to
go, and what's kept you from getting there in the past. This is a powerful
exercise. Don't underestimate the power of doing this. I've seen this done
enough times to know that any deviation may backfire.

Oh, and that apology part? Really focus on it. You need to take personal
accountability, both for the relationship and for yourself

(Stuck on these tools of connection? I do provide more training in the VIP

Virtual Coaching Program, where I can coach you through. But if you get it
and you are getting response, then this should be sufficient guidance.)

Question: now what?

Give the letter a few days to take effect, then go back to the exercise of
inviting your spouse to coffee, or the bookstore, or for ice cream. See if
you get a warmer reception. But don't ask if they received a letter, don't
ask if they read the letter, don't even mention it. Doing so only shows your
anxiety. You have to act as if you know where you are headed. And asking
about it cheapens the apology. It becomes another trick you are trying.

Question: coffee worked. Now what?

Good. Obviously, you kept your anxiety in check and have managed to
move the process forward.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 17 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
I am assuming you have taken multiple opportunities to go somewhere
together. Once is not enough. Remember from the exercise: keep going
out until you both are comfortable with each other, and the mood stays
light.

So now I have a new exercise for you. This is my Life List Exercise. This
exercise is designed to get the two of you dreaming about the future again.

Do you have a Life List? Do you know what a Life List is? If so, skip to the
rest of the directions. The next paragraph will tell you what a life list is.

A Life List is a list of all the things you want to do before you die. It's a list
of experiences you want to have. It's not a "to-do" list. Instead, it is a
"want-to-do" list. Want to go skydiving? Put it on the list. Want to go on a
safari? Put it on the list. In other words, put down all the experiences you
want to have, big or small. Write it out. Don't just keep it in your head.
This is important for you to do both for the exercise and for yourself. As
you complete the items on the list, if they are written down, you can date
them and mark them off. I keep mine in a leather bound journal. You can
keep yours in a big journal or on a sheet of paper. That's up to you.

Here is the exercise: invite your spouse to make a Life List, too. Once
each of you have created your life list, go to coffee or to dinner and
exchange the lists. You will find that there are three different types of
experiences on your lists:
1. Items that you share in common.
2. Items that you didn't think about, but that your spouse brought to
mind. (Add them to your list).
3. Items you have no interest in, but that you can support your spouse
in.
Notice that there are no items so that you cannot support or share.

Choose one of the items that you share in common and talk about how you
might do that. Plan, dream, and think about what it would be like to do that
experience. Is it possible to make it come true? What’s your timeframe?

Then choose an item each of you would like to do and have the other
person support. Decide how to get these done. Plan, dream, and think
about what would be like to have this experience.

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 18 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Why both types? The first one, doing something you share in common, is
obvious. The one that require support from the other may be less obvious.
So let me give you an example. One of the items on my list was to learn to
do scuba diving. I had wanted to do it my entire life. But I had never taken
the time to do it. My wife, who hates the water, realized that it was
important to me, so she bought me lessons for my birthday. That was
seven years ago. Today, I'm a scuba instructor.

This is a subtle exercise. But it is very powerful. The reason it is so

powerful is because it put you back into thinking about the future, not
caught in thinking about the past. In fact, it gets you back to how people
talk when they fall in love. We dream. We think about the future. We
share our desires. We share our hopes. This exercise can get you back to
that.

Planning for what you want to do may carry you through some tough days.
It also gives you a common goal. But not one that is so heavy that it
discourages you. It creates an enjoyable and fun future together.

Question: I just don’t think all this will work!

That’s fair… but have you tried it yet? Clearly, what you have been doing
hasn’t gotten you where you want to. So maybe trying something different
will actually work.

Of what I have suggested, what damage will be done by your actions?

First, you are working to improve yourself. That is always a good thing.
Second, you are trying to reconnect and be friends. Not much threat there.
In other words, you are not being asked to do anything that will do damage,
and can only do good.

Finally, you are thinking about what you want life to be about: what you
want to do and experience. When we all get too caught up into what is
right in front of us – crisis management, this is a good shift to make.

Doesn’t sound like any of the plan gets you into a worse spot, and it might
get your marriage on-track. The least is it helps you to improve your life.

Give it a try. I’ve used this material with countless couples, and with
excellent success! I hope to add you to that list!

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 19 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom
Question: WAIT! I AM STILL STUCK!

I get it. This can be very confusing and scary. You may have lost some
confidence in yourself. You may just want some further guidance.

Good news. I have a program that will give you further tools and training.
It provides a “virtual coaching” component, where I (and my coaches) can
help guide you through the process, step-by-step.

I also have extensive training and resources on building connection,

avoiding mistakes, changing yourself, setting boundaries, and many other
resources.

I do include special training on the Apology Letter, explain a texting

approach you can use, give you more rules for Tag Alongs, and provide a
“Fill-In-The-Blank Plan” to save your marriage.

If you need the extra help and guidance, you can join my VIP Virtual
Coaching Program by CLICKING HERE http://savethemarriage.com/
virtualcoaching

“Down-N-Dirt” Guide To Save Your Marriage – p. 20 – © Copyright, All Rights Reserved, Lee Baucom