DEN OF THIEVES by STEPHEN ADLY GUIRGIS * Kq{q_&_L_L___£_=_ —————————===_S—T====S|} S—————=_——==—=—=== ——————————— SSS =—————SSSS=S====—SS=== * DRAMATISTS PLAY SERVICE ; INC. ‘soaat.y fo ua 30 [eanax sapBuy soy atp Woy 2u205-y saemgancy way Mg arog swomcengy Spry Ma uStsop 125DEN OF THIEVES Copyright © 2004, Stephen Adly Guirgis All Rights Reserved CAUTION: Pofestonas and amateurs are hereby warmed tht performance of DEN (OF THIEVES isc 0 paymencofs yal ily promcted under he copyright Jews ofthe Unied Stats of America, ané of al contri covered by the Intercional Gapmighe Usion Gachadiog tse Domision of Canada tad the fst ofthe Dia Commonweal), and of al coun covcied by the PanrAmercan ‘Copyright Convention the Unive Coprighe Comention, the Beme Convention, am of all cous wich which she Unite Sates na eiprocl copyrigh ations, Al nights, inching without limiaton,profsionl/meur suge, agi mason. pure, ‘scission, leing, publ reading rio broadcasting, eleven, video. of sound recording, al other forms of reckanca cecron and dg repodcton, tratsmision and dstibio, such as CD, DVD, the Interac, pvr and fle saring ctwotk information sorage and reviaalsyxems, phoeocopyng, andthe rights of ‘zaman ine foreign langage ve sicly served. Parla tmphad paced upon the mate of eed: pemision for mhich mst be secured fm the Ach agent in weg ee eee eee ire ite nt sine Ruse ete eeecanes eitaigiemans aean comer eee eect Inquities concerning all other rights should be addressed ro Wiliams Morris Endeavor Esrainmens, ILC, 11 Madion Avene, 1th foot, New Yor, NY 10010, Ac Buzzed, SPECIAL NOTE ‘Anyone revi persion ro produce DEN OF THIEVES is required o giv ced ‘othe Autor atsle and eta Ath ofthe Ply om the page ofall Prograns Aisvbted i connection wih performances of the Pay snd in af asances in hich, the ul of che Pay appe,inlaing prince or dial maul for adverdsing Dublicng or otherwise exploiting the Hay andor «podction thera The mame of the Author mus appear on 2 separate line, in which no other nae Immediately bea the tide atl inst of ype ua to 50% ofthe sa othe Ls mot prominent leer ward fr the tide of the ly. No peson sm oe en tay ‘Seve noma prminen han daca he itr, he lowe tcloowldgments must appear on tie page of all progam dsrbuted Ie Connecdon with pefonmanes of the Py: fe DEN OF THIEVES wa osginlly produce Api 10-18, 1996, by Alex Molina fr UAByrat Thee Company, halip Seymour Hoffman sd Jon Ore, Artie Deion; Oliver Dow Execute Disctor DEN OF THIEVES had ies West Coast premiere st the Black: Dablia Theatre ‘Mate Shakman, Aristic Direco, Brian Siegel, Managing Direczor, je Malone, Producing Director) In Foe Angeles on April, 2002. 2 | 1 | For Max Daniels, who helped me get staried when I was getting ready 10 get ready to get started.DEN OF THIEVES svas first presented by The LAByrinth Theater (Philip Seymour Hoffinan and Jon Ortiz, Anistic Directors; Oliver Dow, Executive Director) at HERE in New York City, opening on April 10, 1996, Itwas directed by Max Daniels; the set design was by Dana Hefferns the lighting design was by Douglas Cox: the costume design was by Daniel Youmans, and the producet/production sage ‘manager was Alex Molina. The cast was as follows MAGGIE PAUL FLACO BOOCHEE SAL .. LITTLE TUNA .. BIG TUNA ‘The production was later transferred to the Theater Row Theater by the H.A.L Theater Festival (Michael John Spencer, Producer) with Trevor Long as Flaco and Stephen Adly Guirgis as Sal. DEN OF THIEVES was revived by The Black Dahlia Theater (Mart Shakman, Artistic Ditector; Brian Siegel, Managing Director; Maggie Malone, Producing Director) in Los California, opening on April 13, 2002. Ie was directed by Matt Shakman; the set design was by Kelly Hanson; the lighting design was by Mike Durst; the sound design was by Rob Geary; the cos. ‘ume design was by Angelina Burnett; and the production stage ‘manager was Jennifer Welsh. The cast was as follows: MAGGEE . Ana Ortiz PAUL Russell G. Jones FLACO .. Trevor Lot BOOCHIE Elizabeth Rodriguez Bruno Gioiello Marco Greco Ronald Hunter CHARACTERS MAGGIE PAUL. FLACO SAL BOOCHIE LITTLE TUNA BIG TUNADEN OF THIEVES ACT ONE Maggies apartment. Maggie is in tears; Paul is doing his utmost to be supportive. MAGGIE, | feel so stupid right now — PAUL. — Its okay. MAGGIE. I mean, this is so dumb — PAUL. —Its not dumb! MAGGIE. I’m sorry Paul; I dont think I can do this — PAUL. — Maggie, let me tell you, I've been right where you are right now, and its hard! Ir’s hard to reach out! It’s hard to own up! MAGGIE. Paul — PAUL. — You're brave ... Don't look at me like that! You are brave, Lex me ask you something: Is this the first time you've shoplified since you entered the program? MAGGIE. Yeah? PAUL. You haventt stolen anything up till now? MAGGIE. Not since I entered the program. PAUL. And when did you go to your first program meeting? MAGGIE. Two Sundays ago. PAUL. And tonight you stole? MAGGIE. I did, I stole! — PAUL. And then you came home and immediately called a fellow program member and reached out! MAGGIE. Well, you left your number on my machine — PAUL. — And you used i! The firs time you stole, you reached out! MAGGIE, But —PAUL. —I gotta tell-you, I've been thefi-free for 682 days now, but I stole like a dozen times before I was ever brave enough to reach out. And you, you did it the very first time! MAGGIE. You've been theft-fes 682 days? What’ it feel like? PAUL. Feels like one day at a time, Maggie. MAGGIE. .... I, I'm scared Paul, I can't hardly speale I got a big lump in my throat PAUL. Hey, the frst time I did what you're about to do, I had a big lump too. MAGGIE, Yeah? PAUL. I had a SNIB. MAGGIE. SNIB? PAUL. ‘Spontaneous Nerve-Induced Bowel-Movement. I pooped my pants, MAGGIE. You what? — PAUL. Hey, I thank my Higher Power every day for that SNIB ‘cuz 1 gotta tell you : I was afraid to reach out just like you; I wanted to ‘hold it all in, and my Higher Power, he knew that, and so "He did for me what I could not do for mysel&” He forced me to let it out, and believe me, I “let it out” ... God has a plan for us all, Maggie. For me, it was that I should defecate in my favorite pair of slacks. For you its that youre here, right now, with me ... So ... Here we 0, the big moment of truth! Are you ready? MAGGIE. I guess. PAUL. Okay’... So, where is it? MAGGIE. What PAUL. Whatever you stole. Where is it? MAGGIE. In my bag here. PAUL. ... So What did you steal, Maggie? (Maggie opens the ba takes out Yodel.) Yodels. Okay You stole Youle, (Qe takes oe seothpaste,) Toothpaste. Okay, you stole Yodels and toothpaste. (She takes our more sou) Aged parmesan cheese, pesto sauce, 100m freshener ... What's this? MAGGIE. I'm not sure. Some kind of fruit. (A lor more suff spills out.) PAUL. Two tomatoes, MAGGIE. Eight ninery-nine a pound! Can you believe it? PAUL. Who's robbing who, hub? .. So, is chat it? (Magee empaies products spill out) Thats quite a hauls you must be good — MAGGI Thee, more (he ‘empties her pockets.) PAUL. Is that it? MAGGIE. Um... PAUT.. Irs akay. Show me what else. MAGGIE. Oh God — PAUL. Hey, it's okay. MAGGIE. I stole thi wheelchair who was si PAUL. Willamina? MAGGIE. I don't know what came over me. She wasso sweet and supportive and aurturing — and I stole from her; that sweet old. lady — PAUL. — Hey, she did eight years in Antica for armed robbery, she wasnit always sweet. MAGGIE. For real? PAUL. She was only paroled six months ago. MAGGIE. I don't know how I'll face her. PAUL. You'll face her ... So, anything else? MAGGIE, You gota cigarette? PAUL. Don't smoke. Not for 348 days. MAGGIE, Paul? PAUL. Yes, MAGGIE. Here. PAUL. Thats my...! You stole my wallet? MAGGIE. I'm deeply sorry. PAUL. How/d you steal my wallet? MAGGIE. Remember on the elevator? PAUL. What? MAGGIE. 1 brushed up against you? PAUL. I thought you were flirting. MAGGIE. [wasn't PAUL. Wow! I must be slipping. MAGGIE. No, I'm just good. (Beat) PAUL. Can I ask you something? MAGGIE, What? PAUL. Do you think it's possible that by stealing my wallet you ‘were maybe, I dunno, subconsciously trying to get my attention? change purse from that old lady in the ing next to me at the meeting tonight."Cur I mean, I've seen-you staring at me before, tonight even — MAGGIE. — I was starin’ at the money you were unting at the beginning of the meeting — it looked like a lot of money. PAUL. Dame, i am slipping: fashing my wad in a room full of ickin’ 3! I mean, Magpie, don't gee = MAGGIE’ — No, youte eee PAUL. No I'm not! ] am wrong and I need to make an amends to you immediately! I apologize ... See, that’s the old me that made that epost oo ‘The new me wants to trust, And T'm working to trust One Day at a Time. I trust you, Maggie. I want know tha. You stole my wallet, but than you rumned ie no harm, 20 foul. (He looks inside the wallet.) Where's my fucking money?! MAGGIE. I'll pay you back — PAUL. Pay me back?! Just give it back. MAGGIE. They were gonna kick me outta here, Paul — I needed it for rene! PAUL. Thad 800 bucks in there! I was plannit is- oa retreat in Vail, Colorado! a he fs - Look. I got a TV, some stereo equipment, I got a new microwave. Take it! Take all of it! ma fuck-up, Idon't| ilong in the program! I thought I did but I don't. I'm incurable. I'm sorry, Paul, PAUL. Maggie — MAGGIE. — No! I gave this self-help thing a try. I went to meet- ings, got my “chakras aligned”; I became real familiar with the per- sonal growth section of Bares & Noble. I tried, and I'll never be bettes, I'll always be like this! I'm a bad person and I can't be saved, and even if T could, I'm not worthy of a better life, I'm not worthy of anything! I'm going to bed now. Take what you want, just, leave the food and close the doot behind you. (Maggie picks up the Yodels from the pile of stolen goods and starts heading for her bedroom.) PAUL. Maggie! MAGGIE. Goodbye, Paul at the Yodels down, Maggie! MAGGIE. What? PAUL, Gimme the Yodels. MAGGIE. No! PAUL. Maggie, you don't wanna eat those! MAGGIE. Yes Ido! ... And I want that Heathbar too! 10 PAUL. You can't have the Heathbar, Maggi! MAGGIE, Gimme the Heathbar, Paul! PAUL. Gimme the yodes! MAGGIE. Look, 'm not playing Paul. You're a nice guy and all, but don’t fuck with my food! PAUL. You're a Compulsive Overeater too, arenit you! MAGGIE. I'm gonna compulsively kick you in the fuckin’ ass if you dor't back away from my damn food! PAUL. I know what you're going through. MAGGIE. Heathbat! PAUL. You're overloaded with shame and guilt — MAGGIE. Step off my fuckin’ food! PAUL. — Anger, yes! — MAGGIE. Get outta my apartment! PAUL. — Maggie — MAGGIE. Get out! Call a cop, bust me, turn me in, I don't care! Just move away from the food and get out! Dont open chose Yodels, Maggie! Maggie, Goddamnit! ‘NOW, PUT THE FUCKIN’ YODELS DOWN! I'm not letting you eat them for two reasons: number one, they're stolen; and me and you are gonna gather all chis stuff up and return it. All of it! Because that is how the program works. You called me tonight because you knew you had to reach out and that you had to return the stuff and make amends with the storekeeper. Reach out and Return, the first principle of the program. You called me tonight because you are brave, Maggie, you called me because you ‘wanna curn it around. You're a winner, Maggie. Youre gonna lick this, I can tell. Six months from now, you!ll be leading workshops, visiting prisons, talking to youngsters at school. You'll be making a difference. Now, you could eat those Yodels and just give the guy the seventy-nine cents but I'm not going to let you do that co yourself ‘cuz you're compulsive overeater, aren't you? MAGGIE. ... I'ma compulsive everything. PAUL. Look, you got a problem with junk food and you got a problem with larceny. You're already working on the larceny, and Td be glad ro take you to an O.A. meeting. MAGGIE, O.A? PAUL. Overeaters Anonymous, I'm an Q.A. member. WMAGGIE. You don’t look like no overeater. PAUL. [used to weigh four-hundred pounds, MAGGIE. No way. PAUL. Here's a photo of me on a horse. MAGGIE. Oh my God! PAUL. Now here’ a picture of that same horse ten minutes later, MAGGIE. Is it sleeping? PAUL. Afraid not. I look at this picture everyday to remind me of the pain and suffering, and in this case, death, that my com- pulsive overeating has cost myself and others ... Back then, I was a mess. I smoked four packs of cigarettes a day, and when I wasn't sitting in front of the TV inhaling food, I was robbing this town blind. I was a big, ft, chain-smoking, kleptomaniae. I was miser- able. I hated myself. Hated myself so much I couldn function. Have you ever felt chat way? MAGGIE, ... All the time, PAUL. ... Can T ask you something? MAGGIE. Wha? PAUL. Do you like ... life? MAGGIE. 1, I don't know, PAUL. I lie life. I really do. I didnt always feel that way. (Pause,) MAGGIE. I cart believe T stole 800 bucks from you and youre still being so nice to me. PAUL. Hey, all you gotta do is apologize for your actions sincere- ly and promise to make reparations and we're square. In fact, it would be an honor to be the first person that you exercised the first principle with. MAGGIE. Paul PAUL. — Just try it. (Pause.) MAGGIE. Paul, 1 PAUL. You... MAGGIE. Stole ... Paul, I stole ... I stole PAUL. 800... MAGGIE. Panl. I stole 800 dollars from you. I'm PAUL, Good. You're doing good. MAGGIE. T'm ashamed and embarrassed and I'm very, very, very sorry and I plan to pay you back. Look: Here's four bucks: I owe you 796 dollars, okay? 12 PAUL. I accept your apology. Maccie Dag asec sae eae pasa sane (Paul claps for Maggi PAUL. Yes you did ... Hug? MAGGIF. Okay. (They hug.) PAUL. ... How do you feel? MAGGIE. Hungry. PAUL. You want a banana? MAGGIE. You got a banana? PAUL. I always carry around a couple of bananas in case I get hungry — keeps me out of Mickey D's ... Here. MAGGIE. Thanks. PAUL. I think I’ll have one too. (Beat, They eat Bananas.) You're not single, right? MAGGIE. Tbroke up with my boyfiiend 2 couple of months ago. Why? PAUL. No, just. conversation. Not, uh, — why'd you break up? MAGGIE, ’Cuz he's a lying cheating drinkin’ druggin’ con artist. PAUL. I see. MAGGIE. I mean, Flaco had his good points — PAUL. — Flock 02! MAGGIE. It means skinny in Spanish. PAUL. He's Latino? MAGGIE. He thinks he is. Flaco, he's one of those spur-of-the- moment people, which is cool, if like, you don’t ever wanna make something of yourself, which, I do wanna make something of :myself, which is why I broke up with him. I dont wanna turn into no career criminal — which is where we were headed. But, you prolly don't know nothin’ about that kinda scuff, Paul. PAUL. Whaddya mean? MAGGIE. You know — youte, like, you know. PAUL. I'm like what? MAGGIE. Nah, Never mind. PAUL. Hey, let me tell you something: Back in theday; Ihad mad street creds, MAGGIE. Nah, yeah, Im sure. PAUL. I mean — you ever crack a safe? MAGGIE. No. Why? Did you? 13PAUL. Okay — you éver hear of Maury Handleman? MAGGIE, Who? PAUL. Old time safe-cracker? Used to be the leader of The Den of Thieves? MAGGIF. Who's The Den of Thieves? PAUL. They were the greatest non-violent Jewish crime onganiza- tion of the twentieth century, Maury Handleman and his crew cracked over 200 safes inthe thirties and forties without ever being, ‘caught, and without ever harming a single individual. They were so good, hardly anyone to this day even knows they existed. ‘Maury Handleman is my grandfather. MAGGIE. For real? PAUL. Yup. MAGGIE. He must be got a lot 2 money, huh? PAUL. Nope — He's a locksmith in Brooklyn Heights. MAGGIE. Ties not rich? it PAUL. That's not what The Den of Thieves were about. All the money? They gave it away. MAGGIE. What? PAUL. Yup. Funneled it to liberal politicians to build libraries. MAGGIE. Libraries?! PAUL. Sce, The Den of Thieves were immigrants. Poor and une- ducated. They wanted to build a future for their children. They knew that success could be attained through education, so they set out to improve the educational system by building more libraries in poor neighborhoods so the poor could have a chance to catch up to the rich. Anyway, once they got too old for the rigors of criminal life, they split up and opened litdle businesses. My grand- father became a locksmith. He taught me all of it, lock picking, safe cracking — in fact — I noticed your front doot locks are pathetic. I could fix them if you‘ like me to, MAGGIE. You ever crack a safe? PAUL. Broke into a White Castle once, Got about eighty-nine bucks and 2 couple hundred burgers. But, 'm all done with that now. Ihave my health, I have my sobriety, Im smoke-free, drug- free, debt-free, meat, sugar, dairy, and wheat-free, and because of the program, I'm thef-free. I car honestly say Pl never go back. MAGGIE. Thar’ amazing Paul, really. irs PAUL. ... Yeah, so ... you and this Flaco guy ... no turning back? MAGGIE. Wal, he's stil having trouble getting the hine. T walked ‘out of there two months ‘go, right, but he still chinks like wee together, still follows me around, still insanely jealous, even though hhc’ already shacked up with some other chick. He follows me around the city and if anybody even looks at me — forget it —! PAUL. He's never hit you, has he? : MAGGIE. He’ not that way. He only gets violent when he jealous. PAUL. Sounds like a very disturbed individual. MAGGIE. One time, he got into a fight with this big muscle guy ‘on Orchard Beach who was looking at me and made a comment. PAUL. What kind of comment? MAGGIE. Something like, “Dag, girl, you so fine, why you hangin’ out with that soft faggot bitch white-boy suckah?” PAUL. ... Ouch, MAGGIE. This guy looked like fuckin’ Amold Schwartzenegger and Flaco'sa string bean. But Flaco took him on anyway. This guy, he was beating Flaco realy really bad until, all a che sudden, they vwere rolling around on the sand and Flaco — he pulled down the big guy’s Speedo — and bit the guy's ass so hard that not only did the big guy give up, but Flaco, when he got up, he spitted pieces of the guy's ass at him as he ran away. PAUL. Sounds like a maniac. : MAGGIE. Lets put it this way if Flaco were to walk in right now and find you here, you might be leavin’ missing half your ass. (There is a loud knock at the door.) FLACO. Yo, mami, open up! ... MAGGIE. Oh, shie! Its him! PAUL. Who? MAGGIE. Him! PAUL. You mean, Flaco?! (Louder knocking.) FLACO. Yo, I brought you a nice present! Open up! MAGGIE. You'd better hide. PAUL. Where? MAGGIE, Under the table. FLACO. 1 hear voices! PAUL. You can't just introduce me as a platonic friend? MAGGIE. You wanna take that risk? 15FLACO. OPEN THE FUCKIN’ DOOR! PAUL. I'll hide. But-try to get rid of him fast. (Paul hides under the table. Maggie opens daor.) FLACO. Oh, ma Gawd! Am I glad to see you, baby! MAGGIE. What do you want, Flaco? FLACO. Yo, what kind of a greeting is that? MAGGIE. Look, I was just about to go to sleep — FLACO. — Well, wake up! We got alot of work to do, and not much time to do it. MAGGIE, Flaco — FLACO, Yo! .., What's that smal?! MAGGIE. smell? (Flaco sniff.) FLACO. Old Spice ... I smell Old Spice! MAGGIE. I don't smell anything — FLACO. — Why your apartment smell like after-shave?! MAGGIE. Well, the super was here yesterday — FLACO. No, this isa fiesh scent! ... Yo! Whose bag is that?! MAGGIE. What bag? FLACO. “What bag*?! That bag right there! That “looking like a ‘man’s bag” bag! MAGGIE. Go home Flaco; I'm not your girlfriend no more. ELACO. You got a man in here don't you?! MAGGIE. No. FLACO. Deceit! You deceiting me! ... Yo, Motherfucker! Come out of your hiding place! I know you're here! MAGGIE, Ger out my apartment, Flaco! (Beat,) FLACO. You dont got a man in here?! MAGGIE. No! FLACO. Then that must be a prowler under the table. (Flaco takes out a gun.) MAGGIE. Flaco! FLACO. Get out from under that table, mothahfucksh! Are you a prowler, of are you fucking my girlfriend?! MAGGIE. Flaco! Pur that gun down! FLACO. Identify yourself: provler, or girlfriend fucker?! (Paul emerges from under the table) PAUL. I'm... Pm... Pm... Tm Paul Handleman, friend, not fucker! Friend. Gay friend. Harmless impotent gay friend! FLACO. What are you doing here? MAGGIE. Flaco! PAUL. No, that’s okay, Maggie. I'm here v-v-visiting, From Schenesad That upstate MAGGIE. Put that fuckin’ gun away. Now! (Flaco complies) FLACO. Sorry, baby. I'm a litdle on edge today. MAGGIE. What are you doing here, Flaco? ELACO. I gor news! MAGGIE. What news? FLACO. It’ private. Tell fruit-loops to take a hike. MAGGIE. His name is Paul Handleman, and he’ staying right here. FLACO. Who is this guy, anyway?! Yo! Who are you?! PAUL, P-Paul Handleman. FLACO, “Paul Handleman’? PAUL. Paul Handleman, yes. FLACO. ... You don’t look like no “Paul Handleman” to me! PAUL. I come from an adoptive home. FLACO. A what?! PAUL. A-Adopted. I was adopted. I have five brothers and sis ters, and they were all adopted too. My parents, they believe in adoption — FLACO. — Well thass very fuckin’ fascinating, yo, but, I got bid- ness to discuss with my girl here, so would you mind getting your litle adopted ass outta here? PAUL. I, I'd rather not. FLACO. You‘ rather what?! PAUL. 1, I don’ feel comfortable leaving you alone with her. FLACO.' Well, maybe youd feel more comfortable in a state of unconsciousness! MAGGIE. Flaco, stop ie! Anything you have to say to me, you ‘ean say in front of him. FLACO. But this is bidness. MAGGIE. I'm not in “bidness” anymore. FLACO. Yo, this orphan boy don't look like no maricon from upstate! You fucking him, ain't you?! MAGGIE. You're with that puta-stripper air-head bitch; why you ccare who T'm with? FLACO. So you are fucking him!PAUL. No fucking! Zéro! None! MAGGIE. I'm not with him, Flaco. FLACO. But youd like to be, right?! MAGGIE. Flaco ... FLACO. Who che fuck is this guy?! What's he doing here?! PAUL. I, I'm her sponsor. FLACO. Sponsor? What's a sponsor? PAUL. Maggie's in a twelve-step program for recovering thieves — Tm helping her to recover. FLACO. Recover what? MAGGIE. My life, I'm trying to get my life back Flaco, Paul is helping me. FLACO. What's wrong with your life? MAGGIE. It sucks. My life sucks! FLACO. And that’s my faule?t MAGGIE. I'm trying to change my life Flaco! FLACO. You wanna change your life? Well, that’s why I came cover here, baby! I got something to tell you I guarantee it’s gonna change your life — but I can‘t ay it in front of him. MAGGIE. Why not? FLACO. It involves, you know, a little bidness. PAUL. “Criminal” business? FLACO. Am I talking to you? PAUL. Maggie ler’s go. You don't need this element in your life. FLACO. Whard you call me?! An “clement”?! PAUL. I'm leaving now, Maggie. As your Sponsor, I strongly sug gest you don’t stay here alone. We can catch a nine o'clock meet- ing if we leave right now. FLACO. Yo, Maggie, Dor‘t listen to this litde pigeon. He's trying to brainwash you. I been in rchab. Ic all about chat. They just ‘wanna make you safe, so you're not a threat to them. Look at this stupid ass clown face clown, He probably never commitved a felony in his life. What he know about crime? PAUL. I know a lot about crime. Probably a lot more than you, FLACO. Yeah right, Bozo. So lissen, Maggie — PAUL. — You ever crack a safe?! FLACO. No, Mr. Clown Head, I have never cracked a safe. Why? Have you? PAUL. Asa matter of fact I have. FLACO. Ger the fuck outta here. MAGGIE. Actually, he has, Flaco. FLACO. Nah, Serious? PAUL. That's right. FLACO, You know how-to ctack safes? PAUL. I said yes. FLACO. For Real? ... Oh, my God! This is, this is like an omen! Sit down, both of you! MAGGIE. We're leaving. FLACO. Yo. You wont wanna leave after you hear what I gotta say. MAGGIE. Flaco, whatever you're up to — FLACO. — Up to? Up to? Why you always gotta think I'm up to something? I'm about to change your lives, yo! T'm offering you a way out. MAGGIE. Of wha? FLACO. Poverty. Low-income housing. All a that! I'm talking "boue the furure, mami. Pm talking easy street. 'm talking about a nest egg that’s gonna hatch into economic independence! MAGGIE, You smoked some of that crack before you got here, didnit you? PAUL. Nice mocting you, “Flaco.” Cimon Maggie, grb your coat — FLACO. SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS! SEVEN HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKIN’ THOUSAND DOLLARS, YO! Y'ALL GONNA WALK OUT ON DAT? MAGGIE. Youte pathetic and sad, Flaco. I pray you find help ... Let's go, Paul. (Beat,) PAUL. .... 750,000 dollars? MAGGIE. Paul? PAUL. ... Where is this 750,000 dollars? FLACO. Yo, before I say anything, son, you gotta prove to me that you can crack a safe. PAUL. Fine. Have you got a safe on you? FLACO. No. PAUL. Then I cant prove it. How do you know the money’s there? FLACO. I know somebody in the place. MAGGIE. Paul!PAUL. Maggie, I'm not gonna do anything. I'm just talking, FLACO. Yeah, we just taki PAUL. What kind of place is this? FLACO. Disco. In Tribeca. PAUL. 750,000 dollars in 2 disco? FLACO. Its VIP disco, yo. Leonardo da Vinci hang out there and shit! PAUL. Who? FLACO. “Titanic,” mothahfuckah?! You don't watch movies? Yo, Maggie, close the front doo! You want everyone in the building to know our bidness? MAGGIE, This isnt our “bidness.” Ie’ your “bidness.” FLACO. Listen, can I talk for a minute? Can I break this down for you? MAGGIE. We're not interested. PAUL. Maybe we should hear him out. MAGGIE. Paul, I thought you swore off life of crime. PAUL. I did, I did. Bur 750,000 dollars! MAGGIE, You'd trade in all the work you've done on yourself for a slice of 750,000 dollars? PAUL. I'm not saying definiely, I'm just saying, let's hear him out, MAGGIE. This shit is fucked up, Flaco! You robbed my youth, my heart, my womanly vistue, now you gonna come in here and try to rob my sponsor?! For some bullshit that you know is bullshit?! FLACO, Yo, this ain't no bullshit, Maggie. I aint trying to sell you ino dream. This is real, This shit’ a limited one-time offer. This job, this place — ies criminal how badly they'te protecting that money. ‘And you know why? Cuz they dont care. They make so much ‘money, chat money's like nothing to them, but for us, it’s everything. You could do anything you wanted with that money. Buy a car, go {0 California, go to school, open up a flower store, whatever you want. Just a couple hours work and you're money troubles are aver, 1! Welllall be home free. You too, Handlebag. FLACO. Yeah, whatever, PAUL. Okay. Lets hear it MAGGIE. Paul! You've been thefi-free for 682 days! PAUL. Maggie, recovery is about “Progress, not Perfection.” It’s 20 in the Big Book, you can look ie up. MAGGIE. First of all, whatever he's gonna tell us is probably bullshie anyway. FLACO. Maggie, I've never been more honest in my life. For real! But we gotta do this by midnight ‘cur someone's coming over there to pick up the money. PAUL. Who? FLACO. Some European motherfuckers. Will you just hear me out? PAUL. Cimon, Maggie, hear him out, FLACO. Check this out: my friend, Raheem, right? He got a friend, who got a friend, who sell crack to this punk who works at this club, right? Tes a big fuckin’ disco called Epiphany. So I go down there, right, to meet this punk, maybe I can sell him some product. I mect him, he starts buying from me — thinks he’s get- ting a better deal with me, which he's not — Anyway, I always ‘meet him in this back room office on the ground floor which has an outside entrance. So I hang there, do a deal, watch some Knicks wit’ hims I notice they got a sa. So I start coofin’ with the kid on the regular, know what I'm sayin, and he at work, but all his job requis is for him to hang in this office. T'm curious. So I befriend the motherfucker and within a week — he's kickin’ it all to me! ... Turns out the club is selling mad drugs; yo, hallucinogens, speed, X— they're raking it in. And all che drug money goes in this base- ment safe. Someone comes to pick it up every couple of days. They send the money to, like, Sweden, or some shit. The rest, they roll over to get more product. But here's the thing. They're an independent operation! They ain't paying no one off: no Mafia, no cops no gangs, no no-one! Nobody know shit about ie! I mean, its gonna be all over for them in a couple of weeks. But meantime, they got money down there. 750,000 dollars. Someone's coming to pick it up at midnight, which means we got three hours to get there first. Once we've stolen it, no one will care. We're not stealing from cops or mob — there's no reason for them to know or care what we do, And the disco cant say shit to anyone because they'l be slaugh- tered if any of the heavy hitters ever know how much cash they baggia’ without paying off This isa gift from God, yo! PAUL, Are you sure they're not connected? FLACO. Point of fact, son. 21PAUL. So what'do you need me for? FLACO, [need someone who can get in a safe. l was supposed ro hhook this job a week ago, but the guy I know who does safes was out of town, I've been pagin’ him all day. He’s still our of town. If Maggie vouches for you, then you're okay with me. PAUL. How do we get in? FLACO. Simple, I stole a key yesterday, I meet him, get him to take a walk. Keep him out about twenty minutes. You go in, hit the safe, get the money. Ill meet you back here. PAUL. Can you get him to go out? FLACO. This kid's a fuckin’ crack-head, yo. He'd stick Cheerios up his ass and sing “La Bamba’ if I to?” him to. PAUL. How about lookouts? FLACO. Maggie stands outside the outside door. This gicl, Boochie, guards the inside door, which leads into the club. Bur, T'm telling you, no one ebe goes down there. But justin case, I'm giving this girl Boochie a gun. PAUL, No guns! FLACO. Fuck you mean, no guns? PAUL, I mean no guns! If we can't do this non-violently, I won't ticipate. FLACO. Yo, we aint doin’ this without pieces, yo. We gotta have uns! PAUL. Okay. Find another safecracker. FLACO. Yo! We wont have to use the guns. MAGGIE. Then why bring them? FLACO. Yo, you guys ate crazy! MAGGIE. No guns, Flaco! FLACO, But— PAUL. — No guns! FLACO. [e's just — MAGGIE. — No guns! FLACO. Fine! No guns! No fuckin’ guns! All right?! You fuckin’ happy?! PAUL. ... Who's Boochie? FLACO. A friend, MAGGIE. She's his new ho! FLACO, That aint my girl, I told you that. Yo, I believe in second 22 chances, mami. I'll give you yours whenever you could handle it. PAUL. How're we splitting the money? FLACO. We could discuss that later. MAGGIE. No. Now! FLACO.. Okay fine. 300 grand for me, 150 each for the three of you equals 750. PAUL. You must be joking. FLACO. Yo, I'm che leader, son! I found it, I planned it, I'm the ‘most visible suspect, I'm taking the biggest risk. 300 grand for me —and I'm doin yill a favor! PAUL, Forget it. 'm out. MAGGIE. Me too. PAUL. I don't know what came over me. I'm retired. I'm 682 days thefe-free. 'm outta here. FLACO. Yo! You never heard of negotiating? PAUL. My soul is not negotiable. (Paul starts to leave.) FLACO. Okay okay, you little dick! What you have in mind? PAUL. Nothing. FLACO. Cimon, just give me a figure. PAUL. You're not gonna like it. FLACO. Try me. PAUL. Number One, take out your gun and pat it on the table, FLACO. Yeah, right. PAUL. You wanna make moncy tonight? Pur the gun on the table, (Flaco very reluctantly complies) Ym taking this gun and throwing it in the sewer ... Now, here's the deal: half the money ‘goes to charity. FLACO. Charity?! As in, like, what: charity?! PAUL. 375,000 dollars goes towards building a new library right here ini this neighborhood. A place where kids can read and learn without bullets flying past their heads, FLACO. Kids? What Kids? PAUL. The kids in the neighbochood. FLACO. Yo, fuck the kids! Let them build their own damn library! This ain‘t no fuckin’ Jerry Lewis Telethon 'm runnin’, mothahfuckah! Get the fuck outta here: me and Maggie gonna go find a real safecracker! Right, Maggie? jive the money away” 23MAGGIE. If Paul's out, ’m out. FLACO. Oh ma Gawd! Betrayal! I can't believe you sidin’ with ‘him! Thass a dagger in my heart, baby — MAGGIE, — Id fee! a lot better about this, Flaco, if I thought someone else would benefit from this besides ourselves. FLACO, Olay okay, fine! Welll donate some money to the damn public library! Well send them a check for like, 10,000 dol- Jars, okay?! PAUL. Look, “Flaco,” I have a family history of criminal philan- thropy to uphold, You ever hear of The Den of Thieves? FLACO. The who? PAUL. The Den of Thieves were a gang who grossed over forty- million dollars and gave vireually all of it away. FLACO. Yeah? They shoulda called themselves the Den of fuckin’ Idiots! PAUL. Well, regardless of your selfish, small minded opinion, they did a lot of good for this city. My grandfather, he was the leader of the Den of Thieves. He passed the torch to me. So basi- cally, ic comes down to tas: Ifyou wanna get that safe opened, you need me, and my price is this, 375,000 dollars to charity, plus swenty-five lange for me. (Beat. Flaco smolder,) FLACO. ... All I gotta say — Handlebush — is if you cant open that safe, it’s gonna be very hazardous to the future shape of your fuckin’ head. PAUL. Have we got a deal? FLACO. How “bout you, Maggie? You in? MAGGIE. Why we using your bimbo? Do you really think she hhas the attention span for the job? FLACO, Listen, Boochie is very intelligent and capable. Besides, swe ain't got no one else who I can crust. I trust you. I crust her. Thass ic. PAUL. What about me? You don't trust me? FLACO. Yo. You're very lucky | need you, ‘cuz if | didn’t, | would smack that smirk right off your Clown Head. PAUL. You ever been in therapy? FLACO. You ever been in a coma? ’Cuz I'll put you there! (A noch at the door.) BOOCHIE. Flaco? You in there, Flaco? 24 MAGGIE. Who you got knockin’ at my door? FLACO. Its Boochie — I told her to meet me here. Yo, Boochie! ‘Come on in, it’s open. (Boochie enters in stripper gear.) BOOCHIE. Hey, baby! RLACO. What are you wearing? BOOCHIE. I just got out of work. How are you, poppi chulo? (Boochie surveys her surroundings.) Dag, Flacot This apartment — it’s butt. FLACO. Boochie, this is Maggie. BOOCHIE. You mean, “that” Maggie? FLACO. Yeah. Maggie, this is Boochie. BOOCHIE. In my mind I pictured you prettier, and not cubby. MAGGIE. Yeah? Well you're just about what I pictured, FLACO. Ladies, ladies! Ler’ keep this professional. This is bidness. Lets get going. Boochie — you can change clothes on the way. BOOCHIE. Who’ this? FLACO. That's Dick-Head; he's opening the safe. PAUL. You know, I dont think I feel comfortable working wich you. I dortt trust you, and I dont think you've planned this out very ly. MAGGIE. Me neither. FLACO. Damn! You people are fucked up! I go and plan a per- fect robbery, yo, figure everything out to the last detail. I agree to all your ridiculous conditions, and all you do is criticize! Now lis- ten to me. This robbery isa piece of fuckin’ cake! This job is a big, red lollipop. This gonna be as easy as it gets. Retarded children could pull this of Why? Because I have masterminded it to per- fection. I've got every angle covered; every possibility accounted for, which is why I can say to you with absolute certainty, char nothing can go wrong. Nothing! The only problem we gonna have is how to spend all that cash. I guarantee we will succeed. Only a bunch of stupid, fucking idiots could mess this up!ACT TWO Scene 1 ‘A den. Flaco, Paul, Maggie and Boochie are lined up in ‘wooden chairs; their hands, legs, and torsos completely tied tup. Bags are over their beads. Afier a momens, Sal enters speaking on a cel phone and carrying a large gun SAL. (On phone.) This the Greek? ... Greek, hey, this is Sally °Nads; Flat Jimmy gave me your number, said — What?! — ... The fuck you mean, “Canit take my action”? ... Joey the Turtle said wha? ... Fuck the fuckin’ Turdle Lemme ax you: Do you have any idea who I am? ... Well, do you know who my Uncle is? ... “Thass right, so, maybe ] should just tell my wncle, The Big fuckin? “Tana, how you disrespect a member of his family, would you like that? ... Thaes Whar I thought — PAUL. Helpltt SAL. Hold on a second, Greek. (Sal goes 0 Paul and shoves the gun in his mouth,) You stil there, Greek? a Now, gimme tex dimes each on the Rams, Jets, Chargers, Eagles, Dallas, Miami, and um ... hold on a second. (To Pats.) You follow football? PAUL. Yeah? SAL. Who you like, Bears or Lions? PAUL. L-Lions? SAL. Lions my ass ... (Back on phone.) Gimme the Bears, Greek fifiy times ... What Just take the fuckin’ bet! And Lemme tell you this my fiend: The next time you don’t know who I am . You betta know who Iam! (Louie “The Little Tuna” enters) LITTLETUNA. Who was you talkin’ to Sal? SAL, My mother. LITTLE TUNA. That wasn't a bookie you was just talkin’ to? 26 SAL, C’mon Lou, you know I don't gamble no more. LITTLE TUNA. I hope not ... How is your mother? SAL. She’ indestructible like a — like a — thing that can’t be indestructed. LITTLE TUNA. Did you call my father yet? SAL. Yeah. LITTLETUNA. What did he say? SAL. Said he'll be back from Vegas in the morning. LITTLETUNA. What else did he say? SAL, He said, “Tell che Litele Tuna to handle it.” LITTLE TUNA. What do you think he means by that? SAL. Bang, bang, bang. Chop, chop, chop. LITTLETUNA. Maybe we should just wait till he gets back. SAL, He told you to handle it, Lou. Handle it means handle it. If the Big Tuna comes home and this ain't handled...? LITTLE TUNA. You're right, Sal. SAL. So just shoot ’em. Diner's almost ready. (Pause.) LITTLE TUNA. Ya know what? My gun, it’ fucked up. SAL. Whaddya mean? LITTLE TUNA. Tlefé my gun in my jeans the‘other night, then when the maid did the laundry, she fucked it up, so now it’s all fucked up. SAL. Use my gun. LITTLETUNA. Nice gun. SAL, Thanks. (Pause) LITTLE TUNA. Sally, I dont feel like shooting nobody today. SAL, Don't worry ’bout it, Cucino. I'll do it myself. LITTLETUNA. Thanks, Sal. SAL. Go bac pes nom play the Ninendo, JH eal you when inners ready. LITTLETUNA. Right ... Sal? ‘SAL. Yeah? LITTLE TUNA. Got some broccoli in your teeth. SAL. Oh, thanks. (Sal cocks his gun.) LITTLETUNA. So, Sal, do I know these people? Who are they? SAL. Buncha junkies, I dunno. LITTLE TUNA. ... Take the bags off their heads, Sal. I wanna see these losers.SAL. Why shoul you wanna see them? LITTLE TUNA. Just do what I say. SAL. Cimon Louie, Dont get soft on me now. LITTLE TUNA. Sofi? You think I'm soft? SAL. 1 didn’t mean soft. LITTLE TUNA. Who’ the boss here, you or me? SAL. You. LITTLETUNA. Say it. SAL. Say what? LITTLE TUNA. Say I'm the boss. SAL. You're the boss, Lou, no questions about it. LITTLETUNA. Okay well, the boss says take the bags off their hheads so T can see them. You got a problem wich that? (Sal takes the bags off their heads) LITTLE TUNA. Maron, these two women were involved? SAL. Dass right. LITTLE TUNA. Ladies, why do you put me in this position? I dose wanna kill you. Thats not my style. I prefer making love to you; wining and dining you, watching a lovely sunset over an expensive brandy with you. But you ladies, you leave me no choice. Tes a good thing Sal here don't have a problem killing women. SAL. The cross I bare. LITTLE TUNA. Death, my friends, death is the sentence when you rob from Al “the Big Tuna’ Pescatore, or me, “the Litele Tuna”! FLACO. We didn't know we was robbing from you. LITTLE TUNA. Excuse me. Did you speak? FLACO. Yes, as I was saying ... LITTLETUNA. Stop! Sa, smack him for me ... (Sal smacks him shard.) You don't speak I speak! Get it? FLACO. Yeah okay I... LITTLE TUNA. Sal! Smack him. (Sal smacks him harder.) You don't speak. I speak, get i? - FLACO. I got it LITTLE TUNA. — Jesus, you're fucking dumb. Sal, box his ears. SAL. How about I just shoot him? LITTLETUNA. Did I ell you to shoot him? SAL. Tm jus sayin, the quicker we shoot ‘em, the quicker we can eat I dorit know about you, but [am starved over here. Aint you starved? 28 LITTLE TUNA. What's for dinner? SAL. I gota nice roast in che oven with them garlic potatoes you lke. LITTLE TUNA. Yeah? ... We got enough butter? SAL. Absolutely. LITTLE TUNA. You sure? SAL. Its a lock. LITTLE TUNA, [ beg you Sal: Dont tell me we gotenough but- ter than we sit down ta eat, we ain't got enough fickin’ butter. BOOCHIR. Please dontt kill us, Sexy Mafia Man! LITTLETUNA. Oh! Pleading for your lives will do you no good whatsoever. PAUL. I implore you to reconsider! LITTLE TUNA. You implore me? Sal, what the fuck is this guy sayin’? SAL. I think he’ insultis’ you. LITTLE TUNA. (Re: Maggie.) Ab, geez, look at this one here. She's eryin’ Sal. SAL. She wasn’t cryin’ when she was stealin’ your money. LITTLE TUNA. You want some Kleenex, miss? SAL. Louie — LITTLE TUNA. Do me a favor, Sal — go buy some butter. SAL. Louie, what the hell you doin’? LITTLETUNA. “Whac the hell am I doin’?"#! ... Pl tell ya what Ym doin’: Go down the Farmer's Market, Sal, pick up a pound a fuckin’ butter already. SAL. We got more than enough butter, Lou! LITTLETUNA. What?! SAL. Lou— LITTLETUNA. — Excuse me, Sal: Do I got a sign around my neck that says, “Argue with me, I'm a fuckin’ half a Mook?! SAL. Louie — LITTLE TUNA. Are you Son of the Tuna, Sal?! Are you heir to the throne?! Are you?! SAL. No. LITTLE TUNA. Who is? SAL. You are. LITTLE TUNA. I am what? SAL. Son of the Tuna, heir to the throne. 29LITTLE TUNA. like butter, Sal. I would like for there to be an abundance of butter! Now: What arc you gonna do? SAL. Tm juss sayin’ — LITTLE TUNA. Butter, Sal. Burter! Burcer! Buster! SAL. ... Can I start torturing them when I ger back? LITTLE TUNA. Fine ... Now Go. (Sal exis.) BOOCHIE, I love buctes, Mr. Tuna. FLACO. Butter’ great, LITTLETUNA. Shut ST Ok [Now hear me and hear me good: “Against my better judgment and because T'm a compassionate kind fella, Fm gonna take a moment (because Pm a listener, to listen to whatever extenuating hppensanes you might gp 0S. FLACO. We didnt know we were ‘Weld never intentionally sxealing from you. steal from you. BOOCHIE. FLACO, Tthink youre cure, Mi Tana. Ie’ all a big mistake. BOOCHIE. PAUL. ‘Well leave town. Spare us, Mr. Tuna. FLACO, PAUL. Yo, Mr. Tuna, yo, we throw I beg of you! ourselves on the mercy of your court! : : LITTLETUNA. Stop! All this begging. It's disgusting. (To Maggie.) ‘You. How come you aint debasing yourself like these other clowns? Do you speak? MAGGIE. Yeah. LITTLE TUNA. So, how come you're not pleading wich me? MAGGIE. You already said that we're gonna dic. LITTLE TUNA. Bu this is your chance to appeal. MAGGIE. I dort wanna appeal. LITTLE TUNA. Why not? MAGGIE. Because you don't soem like somebody that an appeal would make any difference to. FLACO. Yo, Mr. Tuna yo, dont listen co her! She didn't mean co make no insults about you. LITTLE TUNA. What's your name? FLACO. Flaco. LITTLE TUNA. *Flock 0°? Flock A! what? Flock A’ fuckin’ sheeps? (To Maggie.) Who are you, miss? MAGGIE. Maggie. LITTLE TUNA. What you just said to me before, Maggie, that was a very unfair thing ta say. But I appreciate at least you got the balls to say it. BOOCHIE. My name is Boochie. LITTLE TUNA. That's nice. So, Maggie, what are you doing with these losers? MAGGIE. I guess I'm dying with them, aren't LITTLETUNA. Sassy! Ilike that. You're a very attractive woman, Maybe we can work something out. MAGGIE. For all of us? LITTLE TUNA. No. For you. MAGGIE. T'm not interested. LITTLE TUNA. So yould rather die than date me? That's what youre saying? MAGGIE. T'm saying if you kill these people, you becter kill me t00. But if you let us live, Pd consider going on a date with you — but only in a public place. BOOCHIE, You can't do better than “consider”?! Give the man a ficrn “yes”! MAGGIE. Me. Tuna? LITTLE TUNA. Louie. Please. MAGGIE. Louie, the truth is we really had no idea we were steal- ing from you. Flaco, he’s my ex-boyfriend, he set it up and he told us the money was clean. FLACO. Before God, I though ic was clean! LITTLE TUNA. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Everybody says the same shit. FLACO. Yo, I aint lyin’ yo. MAGGIE. Louie, he’ telling the eruth. He's not alias, he’ juse incredibly stupid and careless. PAUL, I'll vouch for that. MAGGIE. The bottom line is, we stole and we were wrong to do AU Yo igh Mg lealin foute right, Maggie. All cis and pleading clouded my head from the real issue, which is wale ait Went ‘money from you, Mr. Tuna. We were wrong to do it. I apologize.LITTLE TUNA. Apologies? This is new. Well okay: I, myself, apol- ‘ogize co you for having ‘0 kill youse al, but this is business. I got a reputation to uphold. Someday, P'l be a boss, and hows ic gonna look if people think they can just apologize and cal it night? MAGGIE. You'e right, but do you accept our apologies? LITTLE TUNA. Sure. Why noe? Do you accept mine? PAUL. It's just chat me and Maggie, we're in a program. LITTLE TUNA. Witness protection? PAUL. No ... for recovering thieves. We were trying to tum our lives around. LITTLE TUNA. Well you fucked up. PAUL. Yes, we did. MAGGIE. Louie, can I ask you something? LITTLETUNA. ‘Sure, honey. MAGGIE. Didn't you ever fuck up? (Sil enters with a chain saut) SAL. Okay, le’s party. (Sal lets it rip. They all scream in terror.) LITTLE TUNA. Sally! SAL. Yeah Lou? LITTLE TUNA. Change of plans ... okay, guys, let me ask you something: Are you two in recovery also? BOOCHIE. We'e planning to enroll tomorrow. LITTLE TUNA. Right ... Here's what's going to happen. I should not be doing ths. You're very fortunate that you caught me ina moment of weakness. Maggie, you're wonderful — Ti love to date you. The rest of you, I can see that you're not rally profes- sionals, I mean, only a bunch of stupid, fucking idiots could blow a job so easy. So, out of the kindness of my heart and because somebody once spared me in a moment of weakness ... SAL. Louie, what are you doing? LITTLE TUNA. Sally. Go butter the roast. SAL. Listen, your pop — LITTLETUNA. The roastSal! The fuckin’ roast! SAL. What these people say 10 you? LITTLE TUNA. (A warning.) Sal — SAL. Lou! LITTLE TUNA. You wanna know what these fuckin’ people said to-me2! They said: “Sal dorit seem ta lssen toa fuckin’ word you say — maybe you should give Sas job to your cousin Dino, and Sal 32 should go back to runnin’ numbers in Miami since he loves Fuckin’ ‘Spanish people and HUMIDITY so fuckin’ much”! (Sal skulls off) LITTLETUNA. Now look here, 'm gonna make this short and sweet: I need one body, and three thumbs. You can decide the who's and the wherefore’ among yourselves — and believe me — this is a deal you're gettin’ over here! The person who dies wll gee ‘two in the back of the head. Quick and painless. Maggie, 1 hope you live: I got two in the fifth row for Mariah Carey next week ‘Anyway, at the stoke of dawn, I'll come back here with Sal. ‘expect your decision then. Goodnight. (Louie exits Pause.) PAUL. "God, grant me the serenity to — FLACO. SHUT THE FUCK UP! (Blackout) Scene 2 Maggie, Boochie, Flaco and Paul are still sed to their chairs, ‘arguing. It is almost dawn. BOOCHIE, — If you ask me, Paul should be the one to die! PAUL. Why me? BOOCHIE. ‘Cuz you'e fuckin’ tired and annoying. PAUL. Annoying? BOOCHIE. Annoying! FLACO, Amen. PAUL. You think 'm annoying? BOOCHIE. Are you deaf? Isn't this guy annoying? PAUL. Even if I was annoyingawhich, I think that’s very debat- able, but even if I was, that’ sill no reason for me to dic, Being annoying was nota capital crime the lat time I checked. FLACO. Yeah, well, it should be. BOOCHIE. Dass right! Comy-ass scrub! PAUL. Scrub?t MAGGIE. Everybody stop the bullshit. That man said we had till dawn to decide who's going, and look out the window. [e's almost dawn. 33 1:5. RU fo RETPAUL. [ think we should just draw straws and let fate decide. FLACO. Do you see any ftckin’ straws around here?! PAUL. No, but .. FLACO, “But”?! But fuck you “but”! We're tied to fuckin’ chairs. Even if we had straws, we couldn’ draw them! MAGGIE, Calm down, Flaco. ELACO. Yo, he’s stupid as. It's your fault chat he’ here, Maggie. MAGGIB, It wasn't Paul who got us into this mess, Flaco. ELACO. I didn't know it was mob money. PAUL. You should have staked it out better. You don't just steal 750,000 dollars on a whim! FLACO. You're a stupid little clown-faced idiot orphan clown! PAUL. You can call me all the childish things you want to, but the bottom line is that we're in this position because of you! BOOCHIE. Dag, Flaco, I don't wanna die. FLACO. You're not gonna die, PAUL. Someone's gonns die. FLACO, Well, not me. PAUL. How about we play a game? FLACO. A what?! ta PAUL. We'll play a game, Loser dies. MAGGIE. What kind of game? PAUL. How about “States and Capitals?” BOOCHIE. How you play that? PAUL. I name a state, you give me the state's capital. You give a stare 10 Flaco, he gives the capital — BOOCHIE, — [don’t like that game — FLACO. — Me neither. PAUL. Okay how about the “Animal” game? BOOCHIE. What's that one? PAUL. I say an animal — for example, Aardvark. Aardvark ends vwith “k.” You have to say an animal that starts with “l.” BOOCHIE. Like kitry cat? PAUL, Um — FLACO. Yo, fuck that game. (A beat.) ROOCHIE. ... Paul? PAUL. Yeah. BOOCHIE. I'm sorry Tcalled you annoying, 34 PAUL. Oh ... That nice of you to say. Apology accepted. BOOCHIE. You're not annoying. Actually, you're kinda cate. PAUL, Well, thank you, So are you. BOOCHIE. Can I share something with you? PAUL. I guess. BOOCHIE. I think you're very philosophy. PAUL. Philosophy? BOOCHIE. You know, like “factual,” right? PAUL. What are you trying to say? BOOCHIE. Factual men ... make me damp. PAUL. “Damp”? BOOCHIE. You know, down there? PAUL, Oh. BOOCHIE. Paul? PAUL, Yeah? BOOCHIE. I'm getting kinky thoughts. PAUL. What kind of kinky thoughts? BOOCHIE. Kinky ones. PAUL. Like, what? BOOCHIE. I'm thinking about you being real heroic and volun- teeting to be the one who dies. Would you like to volunteet? PAUL. Why would I voluntee:? BOOCHIE. Because if you volunteer I'l blow you. PAUL. Blow me? FLACO. Yo! Take my advice, i's worth it. MAGGIE. Flaco! BOOCHIE. Look at my lips. I got nice lips, right? Big, wet, adventurous lips. You see my tongue? I could do a lot of things with it. Look at my throat ... Can you picture it, Paul? I will do it all night long. I'l be getting you so hor and I'll even do ic right up tothe second they pull the trigger. I'll time itso you and the gun shoot ar exactly the same time .., Could I ax you something, Paul? PAUL. I guess so. BOOCHIE. Docs Paul Junior like it when he gets fondled and licked? PAUL. Well, he dont hate it, BOOCHIE. Oooooooh! PAUL. What? 35BOOCHIE, I see Paul Junior and he looks very alert! PAUL, He is not. BOOCHIE. You like the idea to be a hero, right, Paul? Say yes, Paulie, and Til salute youl I'll salute you like a hero should be saluted-ed. PAUL. Look, you'te not gonna seduce me so just leave me alone, BOOCHIE. ... Maricon! FLACO. ... Yo, Listen up: I have an idea how we can settle this once and for all, How about each one of us take curns listing all the reasons that we want to live? Like, give a speech about it, and whoever the top three speakers are get to live, ; PAUL. How're we going to judge? FLACO. Well vote. BOOCHIE. (To Flac.) Wait! What is this? PAUL. Well, you see... BOOCHIE. (To Paul) Calle, pendejo! (To Flaco.)Flaco, honey, whats going on? PAUL. May I propose a change in the topic? FLACO. What change?! PAUL. Instead of listing why we would lke to live, we should be listing why our loss to society would be a bad thing. FLACO. Whae! PAUL, For example, “Society will suffer ifI die because”... BOOCHIE. Bectuse what PAUL. Thar’s what you gotea tell us. FLACO. I don't know about this. MAGGIE. T think Pal’ right. FLACO. That’ ‘cuz you fckin’ him! MAGGIE. Tam not! ELACO. T just think you could do better! MAGGIE. C'mon, Let's juse get this over with PAUL. Boochic, do you understand the criteria? BOOCHIE. Whar’ a criteria? PAUL. Do you think the world will suffer if you die? BOOCHIE. Oh, defuitly. PAUL. How about yeu, Flaco? FLACO, Hell yeah Yo, so we all agree? Who's first? (Pause) 36 espe pea eR IEE TCU ES ESTEE EET BOOCHIE. I'll go frst FLACO. You think thats a good idea? BOOCHIE. I'ma speak my truth. FLACO, Good luck baby. BOOCHIE. Thank you. (She clears her throat.) Society would suf- fer fT die for many multiples af reasone. Niimher ane: As a exar- ic dancer, I bring smiles to the faces of many sad lonely mens, and sometimes womens too if they into that. Number three: I am extremely fly — as you definitely noticed — maybe in the top ten of yest womens in the city, and if they serious about keeping New ‘York beautiful then they gotta need me around, right? ...’m also a sexual surrogate, which means I fuck for educationalisra, which is important to society since I teach mens to fuck berter, and God knows womankind could use more mens who fuck better — right, ‘Maggie? I provide that. I also teach fllatios to the womens which Tm sure most mens could appreciate ... Number eight: I believe in charity. When I get famous, I plan on donating a fot of money to the Ronald McDonald House so sick children of all ages could always eat McDonald's for free, so even when they die, they'll die happy. Oh, also T belong in the A.S.PC.A ... (Pause.) One more thing, which, T dontt even know why Tm saying thisbur, I gor abused a lot as a child, people, A lot. And I aint sayin’ chat for you to feel sorry for me,even though I wouldrit mind if you did feel sorry s0 I could be one a the survivors, but, the point of ths is that everyone in my family called me “garbage can,” including my ‘mother, which I think dat aint very nice, but also I chink is very false “cuz I aint no fuckin’ garbage can! And even though I gots Jots and lots of talents which make me definicely a big bargain for the society, even iF I didn't have any of those amazing skills and dreams which T, like, process — even if I war a garbage can — ‘which I'm not — Td still be valuable ‘cuz where you gonna put ‘your garbage if you don't got no can? Someone's gotta be that can, right? So, forall these ideals and many more, I feel Lam a valuable ass to society and many, many peoples ofall the five boroughs, and ‘maybe even the world, would have their lives be more messed up if Lwasnt around to be around ... Dass it. Thank you. PAUL. Wow! That was really good, Boochie. BOOCHIE. I know. 37 1 RRR 2 oo rnc ceeseeen‘MAGGIE:, Who's next? PAUL. T'll go next. FLACO. Oh, yeah? PAUL. Is that okay with you? FLACO. Yo, your wanna go next, go next. PAUL. Okay, I will. FLACO, But you better come up with some good shit, ‘cuz if you don’t, you going down! PAUL. I'm aware of that. FLACO. Alls T'm sayin’ The pressures on! PAUL. I'm aware of the pressure, FLACO. Oley, start talking. PAUL. I will if you'e through interrupting. FLACO. Just dont choke. PAUL. Look, why dont you go next? FLACO. No,no! You already called it. You gotta go next or you forfeit. And if you forfeit, you lose. and if you lose, Sayonara, Mothabfucka! PAUL. I dont like you. T wanna state that for the record. FLACO. 1 dont like you either. You wanna do something about it? PAUL. You mean fight? ELACO. (Mimicking Paul.) “You mean fight?” PAUL. Oh, mimicking, You'e mimicking me! That's very clever, Ti ell you, Pm a non-violent person, but youlre pushing it! FLACO. Cimon, mothahfucka! Lees go! MAGGIE. Flaco! FLACO. What? MAGGIE. This is why I left you! This is exactly why! FLACO. What? MAGGIE. You're tied to a chair and you want to fight. You're immobilized! Dont you realize that! FLACO. This guy ... This fuckin’ guy! He’s driving me fuckin’ ‘crazy! PAUL. (Mimicking Raco,) “Hes driving me crazy, he’s driving me 7 MAGGIE. Paul, Jeno ie BOOCHIE. Stop to:menting my man — ya big nerd-ass! FLACO. ( Paul) Cmon you litte bitch! Lev’s hear your seupid 38 speccht PAUL. You wanna hear a speech?! Oley, the “Litde Bitch’ is gonna give a speech! Deal with this! “Why Society Would Suffer If Died” by Paul Abraham Handleman — FLACO. — Yo, you see that?! He wasn't even listening to Boochic’s speech! He was jus’ pretendin’ co listen, and meanwhile he was practicin’ his own shit! PAUL. That's not true! FLACO. Paul cheated, the mothahfuckah dies! Who's wit me? PAUL. Lemme tell you why society would suffer ifI died, Flaco. Te would suffer becauseunlike you, I consribute to sociery. Lama a group leader in more than a dozen ‘Self Help’ organizations. I dont tear down other people's self-confidence and selfesteems, I help rebuild it. Also, unlike you, “Flaco,” I have a job. I pay taxes. T give to charity. I go to temple. I vote. I donate my time to vol- uunteer agenices. I make it my responsibility to know what's going on politically. I work with children. I work with the elderly. I try to treat people with respect and kindnes. Do you, Flaco? Do you do any of these things? T am trying, a day at a time, to be a good petson. To “live in the solution.” Now, maybe that’s not “exciting” ot “sexy” — maybe it’s even “nerdy” — but it works for me. I am not afiaid to go out and try and make a difference in this screwed up world. I say “hello” to my neighbor ifT sce him on the street. I lend a hand. T contribute. Ifnothing else, Icare. Iam not ashamed to say chat I am a good person and that I love me and that I care. FLACO. ... Is that ie? PAUL. Yes, itis. FLACO. That sucked PAUL. No it didn't. Your rum, buck-o, (Beat) FLACO. ... Yeah well .. I may not be perfect. 'm man cnough to admit it. I may nor even be a “good” person. I might even be a “bad” person. I steal, I do ctimes, I deal a litle dope, I dort do any of those things you just talked about. None of them. smoke, drink, do alotta drags, fuckin’ curse — if I see something I want, T take it: T mugged a nun once. Two nuns... I admit ic. Up undil now, I've been pretty sefish and bad — and I dont apologize for i! ’Cuz if you grew up how I did, you might be the same, maybe worse. You might be dead right now. Maybe I didn't have theopportunities you had growing up, but I ain't making excuses. I take full responsibility ‘or who Tam. I did what I thought I had to do and here I am, sill alive, stil standing ... That's right. T am standing here with the one gift no one's ever taken away from me and no one ever will because I wor't let them! I'm standin’ here ‘with a world fall a poresial still course’ through my veins! Look at me. t'm young, good looking, highly intelligent, charismati! I got charisma, baby! T'm a natural born leader, always have been. Can you deny it? think not I got so much potential, yo! I could be president. I could be a leader of my people. Some day soon, Il be a force for righteoxsmess and when that happens, I'll move ‘mountains! War is coming, yo, and when it does, the good guys gonna need people like mé, ‘cause people like me, we're rate! ‘Youre right about one thing, Paul. Up until now I havent done much to make a difference but my time is coming, son— my time is coming! IFT die now, the world may be losing the next Che Gueverra, the next Malcolm X and shit, and they'll never even know I was here! I would hate for the world to suffer such a dev- astating loss, wouldn’t you’! Tim a let your conscience be your Buti, people. Finieo! BOOCHIE, Ob, Flaco. That was so perspirational! FLACO. Suave, baby. BOOCHIE. [ove irwhen you geal etious, Youre my Latin King, FLACO. Siempre, siempre. (Pewse.) PAUL. Would you like some more time before you begin, Maggie? MAGGIE, Tm not goed at talking about myself. PAUL. Maggie, you're an amazing person. There are so many rea- sons why society shouldn't have to suffer your loss. MAGGIE. Like what? BOOCHIE. No telling her! That's cheating! MAGGIE. Look, I cant do this. PAUL. Yes you can, MAGGIE, I cant, PAUL. Do you understand the consequences of not trying? MAGGIE. ‘What if I end up living and you die? Tl feet guilty ‘And what if my life goes on and I'm still depressed and unhappy and I decide one day to kill myself? I won't be able to do it because 1 already died, and if I kill myself that means you died need- Testy. So "inte prolly better that I just die now. So T'm only responsible for my own life and not any of yours. BOOCHIE. Thank you, God, thank you, God! Maggie, chanke you, and, Git, Tm sorry I ssid char ching about you not being pretty and being a tubby — yoia really aint that fat, especially iF this were che olden days, (Pause.) FLACO. .... Yo, fuck this! I have an announcement to make, I volunteer to die. Tomorrow, baby, I die in your place. MAGGIE. Flaco — FLACO. I know I wasnit the best boyfriend, but one thing I do know is you're a special person. BOOCHIE. Flaco, what about me? : FLACO. You'e special to0, baby .... Do you love me, Maggie? MAGGIE. Stop! FLACO. Nab, fuck stop! Do you love me? MAGGIE. No. FLACO. You're lyin’ MAGGIE. Tam not! FLACO, I gotta cell you something, miss your smile. I miss wak- ing up in the middle of the night and watching you sleep. I miss thar embarrassed look you get on your face when I catch you naked coming out of the shower. I miss your smell. I miss you. Do you miss me? Do you? MAGGIE. ... Flaco, Iam not a happy person. I cant remember ever being a happy person. FLACO. You wee happy with me know you were. And you ber- tah be happy in the furue if lay my life down for you, or else Im a.come back as a ghost and haunt yout ass Ill be, like, “Boo” shit! MAGGIE. I've made up my mind, Flaco. You guys won the game. ost. Fair is fair, and dass it. No mas. (Pauze) PAUL. Ilose the game, Maggie. MAGGIE. No you didn't. PAUL. Yes T did. I lied in my speech. Ae Ae te eee PAUL. Everything. | dontt do shit for other people. MAGGIE. You did something for me. PAUL. But did I do something for you ‘cuz it was program, or 4was it because I wanted to, you know, sleep with you? FLACO. T knew it!T knew that shit! PAUL. Tes one thing to do something when it’s ¢asy — but I don't think I've ever relly stepped up when it’ hard ... It should be me who dies. I lied ... Tm a liar. I should die. (Pause.) BOOCHIE. | lied too... 1¢s true I was abused a lot, but what I didn't say is I got a really good expensive therapist now, and she says we making a lota positive progress. BLACO. Fuck ... That nun I mugged? I may have slapped her a liede, BOOCHIE. I stole a Rolex off a client las’ week. FLACO. Her friend? The other Nun? — I kicked her in her ass. BOOCHIE. I'm a manipulator. FLACO, Tima convicted felon. MAGGIE. T'm selfish. FLACO. I'ma predator. PAUL, I slepe with my Aunt. FLACO. You what?! BOOCHIE, Paul, thass fuckin’ disgusting! PAUL. Who you talkin’ co — you're a fuckin’ whore! BOOCHIE. And you're a aunt fucker! FLACO. You're a fuckin’ dick, man! A sick, aunt-fucking dick! PAUL. I'm a dick? MAGGIE. Chill out PAUL. (Ac least I dot go around acting like somebody F'm not, “Flocko"! I bet you cant speak two words of Spanish! FLACO. ‘Yeah? How much Yiddish you know, mothahfuckah?! "Cuz I aint never met no brother named “Paul,” much less “Handlerag,” or whatever the fuck name you tryin’ ta call your clown-ass self! PAUL. Punk ass White boy! FLACO. Fake-recovered wannabe Jew! BOOCHIE. Word! MAGGIE. Stop it! Scop! FLACO. Yo, Maggie— MAGGIE. Look ont the window! All of you! Look! (Tey ull lak, Pause, Dawn, Te gets quiet) PAUL. Uh oh. FLACO. ... Dag BOOCHIE. ... Them birds be chirpin’. PAUL. ... Yup. fa FLACO. Stupid birds ... Tdont like birds. BOOCHIE. Birds is nice, Flaco. What's wrong wit birds? FLACO, Tdunna ... Nuthin’ T guess. (Pauce) PAUL. ... Thad a bird once. Melvin. He used to like to eat cot- ton balls FLACO. Gee, what an inneresting fact. MAGGIE. Placo — FLACO. Sorry. (Beat.) MAGGIE. You really love me, Flaco? FLACO. Like T know my own name. MAGGIE, Let me go. Tm a sad, fearful person. I hure people because of FLACO. No you dont — ‘MAGGIE, 1 tied to hure myself last month — FLACO. — You what? MAGGIE. | got scared at the last minute, but I know I'm gonna try i again, ‘cuz this feeling in me — it ain't changed since as long as 1 can remember. That’ the ral truth I’s dawn. Is time. Lighs fade) Scene 3 The den. Dawn. Maggie, Flaco, Paul, and Boochie are being held at gunpoint by Sal. The Little Tuna enters: LITTLETUNA. (Yawning, Sally, you put the coffee on? SAL._ Tes percolatin’ LITTLE TUNA. Good. : SAL. I made those nice Belgian waffles, too; with the country sausages you like. LITELE TUNA. Are they plump? SAL. What?LITTLE TUNA. The sausages. You know I like 'em plump. SAL. They're very plump. LITTLE TUNA. Did you get che donuts? SAL. Yeah. LITTLE TUNA. Asoreed favors? SAL. I told them “gimme two of everything,” LITTLE TUNA. Good man. Sally, bring out the donuts. Our ‘guests are hungry. SAL. Louie, these are the goed donuts from the good place. You sufe you wanna waste them on these guys? LITTLE TUNA. Cimon, these people, they'e probably starvi’. SAL. So, shoot ‘em. They wont be hungry to more, LITTLETUNA. Sally? Is this how you wanna stare the mornin’? SAL. T'm just sayin’ LITTLE TUNA. — Fuckin’ donuts, fuckin’ now! (Sal exits) Good morning ... Now let me start by telling you that I did a lit- tic research lst night, I got information on all of you, and it pains me to have to do what T gotta do because I can see from my informants that you'e all a bunch of very low-level criminals at best, and a bunch of pathetic, harmless losers at worst. Maggie, I got a hold of your school records. It seems that you are a classic under-achiever. High test scores and poor grades. I'm disappoint- ed in you. (Sal reenter) SAL. Fresh donuts, Los. LITTLE TUNA. Gimme the tray. (Little Tina grabs donut for bimslf and offers she tay 10 Boochie.) Have a donut. BOOCHIE. Td rather have something els. LITTLE TUNA. like what? BOOCHIE. Something “Italian.” LITTLE TUNA. You mean, like, a canoli? BOOCHIE. Yeah, I want your canoli, Mr. Tuna! LITTLE TUNA. My canoli? Hey! Eat a donut and forget about that shit! (To Flaco.) Hey you, cough guy, take a donut. FLACO. Thanks, yo. LITTLE TUNA. 'Not chat one, FLACO. Ob. (Flaco dnffes shrowgh the donuas, poking and exam- ining them) LITTLE TUNA. Hey! Whar are you doin’! FLACO. Looking for a custard one. LITTLE TUNA. ‘Salt Shoot him! (Sal fies an erat shot.) Whoa, whoa, I was just kidding! Hey kid, ic gets me upset when people put their fingers all overall the donuts like that. Here, take this one, FLACO. Thanks, Mr. Tuna ... LITTLE TUNA. Maggie. You can have any donut you like. How "bout this nice Boston cream? MAGGIE, Sure. PAUL. Umm, Maggie? MAGGIE. What? PAUL. You're not gonna eat that, are you? MAGGIE. Why not? PAUL. Refined sugar, Maggie. That's a no-no. LITTLETUNA. Fey, you! Shaddup! PAUL. Maggie, (Pause.) MAGGIE. Sorry Louie, I cant eat it. LITTLETUNA. Why not? PAUL. Maggie's a compulsive overeater. LITTLE TUNA. A what? PAUL. She eats to bury her pain ... Um, you look like you might bea compulsive overeatet too, if you donit mind me saying so. LITTLE TUNA. You tryin’ to say Tm overweight? PAUL. Not at all. Just that you eat to bury your pain. Like, for instance, right now, you don't wanna kill us. Its causing you pain. So instead, you eat. LITTLE TUNA. So you sayin’ Pm fut? FLACO. Yo, Mr. Tuna. Don't listen to this idiot. Youre very trim. Believe me. PAUL. See, Mr. Tuna! You're cating! You're burying your pain. LITTLE TUNA. Tm gonna bury you in about a minute — PAUL. Put the donut down, Louie! LITTLE TUNA. Whae?! MAGGIE. Paul. Stop it! ‘PAUL. Its okay; Maggie. Lou, you don't wanna eat that donut. LITTLE TUNA. Why nov? PAUL, Because “there is no chemical solution to a spiritual problem.” LITTLE TUNA. Yeah? Well there is a violent solution to anannoying problem. Sal, give me the gun. I'll shoot him myself, PAUL. Mr. Tuna, you can shoot me, but it wor't solve your prob- lem, The first step in overcoming problems is to admit them You're a compulsive overeater. LITTLE TUNA. Iam not! PAUL. Mr. Tana. 'm a compulsive overearer. You got all che symproms. LITTLE TUNA. Yeuite a compulsive overeater? PAUL. Yes, Iam. LITTLE TUNA. ... So, you don't eat donuts? PAUL. Not for 994 days. LITTLETUNA. ..... What would happen ifyou ate a donut now? PAUL. I wouldn't ext one. = LITTLE TUNA. But, say if you did. PAUL. Wal, it woud probably be a very painful experience. LITTLE TUNA. Why? PAUL. Look, why don't we al just go to a meeting right now? Yo cad iaenaisbar EP OA MERINO You BOOCHIE, I'm up for that! FLACO. Me too! LITTLE TUNA. I got a better idea, (To Paul) Bat a donut right PAUL. What? LITTLE TUNA. Here. Eat i PAUL. Icant LITTLE TUNA, Eatit or I'l shoot you. PAUL. T don't believe you. LITTLE TUNA. Sal, take the gun. Do you believe that Sal will shoot you?! PAUL. Okay, okay, Pl ext it. LITTLE TUNA. Eat the whole tray! ... Sally, if he stops eating, you start shooting. SAL. Fat! Eat! urns TUNA, Gimme one of those. (Louie eke another mut.) Allright, levs get this over with. Who's dyin’ over here? Sai et te tS LITTLE TUNA. You! Why you? MAGGIE. It was my decision, 46 LITTLE TUNA. You sure you dont wanna change your mind? "Cuz I'l just shoot someone else, like him! FLACO. Do what you gotta do, you compulsive overeater, you. LITTLE TUNA. Just say the word and you'll live. MAGGIE. Tcant. wont. LITTLE TUNA. Maggie, I like you. I don't know what ie is, 1 don't even know you, but for some strange reason, I cant bear to shoot you. SAL. You dontt have to shoot her. I'll shoot her. LITTLE TUNA. 1 know, but stil, I'll feel weird about it. PAUL, Why dor't you let us all go? It’s because youte a good per son that you dos't wanna kill her! Irs because you're not an animal! You have a conscience! LITTLE TUNA. Hey you, keep eating! Pare eines apie bes a giant step towards redemption. You know, they have support groups for people like you. Theres a guy in my Thursday group therapy belongs to a ‘Cosa Nostra twelve-step, I could introduce you. SAL: Please lemme shoot him! — PAUL. — You're in denial, Mr. Tunal LITTLE TUNA. After we shoot Maggie, 'm gonna stab you! Repeatedly! FLACO. Yo, Mr. Tuna, Don't take Maggie. Take me. BOOCHIE. No! Flacol FLACO. Tm sorry, baby, but that’s how ics gonna be. LITTLETUNA. No. Wee gonna do this how Maggie wants it. ‘Sal, put her in the chair... (To Maggie.) ... You sure you don't ‘want a donut, sweetheart? MAGGIE, Just do it. LITTLE TUNA. All right. God be with you and all a chat. Sal: Do the job. (The door swings open. Alphonse “The Big Tuna” Pescatore enters with luggage.) BIG TUNA. Hey, knock it off! That's a floorlength mink rag yyouite shooting her on. I mean, my carpet cleaner is good, but he's fnot a fuckin’ magician. Louie, who the fuck are these people? LITTLE TUNA. They're the people from the robbery, Pop. BIG TUNA. These are the people from the robbery? LITTLE TUNA. Yeah.BIG TUNA, Then, why the fuck are they still alive? Jesus! I can't even leave you alone for the weekend. LITTLE TUNA. I'm sorry. BIG TUNA. Cimete, Louie. LITTLETUNA. OW! BIG TUNA. This place is a fuckin’ mess, What, have you been partying all week while T've been away? LITTLE TUNA. No,Fop. BIG TUNA. Salt You were supposed to take care of him. SAL OW! BIG TUNA. I hope you weren't at the track this weekend ‘cuz Jocy the Turtle says he saw you there, SAL, The Turde’ a lia! swear Uncle Al, I don't gamble no more. BIG TUNA. How come I have to come home after a long hard weekend and find these people in my living room Sal, when they shoulda been dead yesterday? SAL, Louie didnt wanna shoot nobody ‘eu he's fuckn! home! (Beat) BIG TUNA. Louis, I'm very disappointed in you. Go take these People out back and shoot them. And when you get back, me and you are going to have a long talk LITTLE TUNA. Pop, I cant shoot them. BIG TUNA. Why nor? LITTLE TUNA. [told them I'd only kill one. BIG TUNA. So, shoot one, let Sal shoot the rest. LITTLE TUNA. But Daddy, I made a deal with chem, BIG TUNA. You madea deal? three, shoot one? LITTLE TUNE Ya BIG TUNA. What do you get in return? LITTLE TUNA. I dont remember BIG TUNA. Well then, that’s a shit deal, dont you think? PAUL. Mr. Big Tuna? I'm Paul Abraham Handleman and I like 10 say that you should be proud of your son. There are seeds of compassion and lewe in him, BIGTUNA. Seeds, ch? PAUL. That’ right BIG TUNA. I always worried about that. He gets it from his ‘mother. PAUL. You should support him, noe berate him, BIG TUNA. Whard you say your name was? PAUL.. Handleman. BIG TUNA. T knew a Handleman once. Maury Handleman. PAUL. Yes, yes! He's my grandfather. BIGTUNA. Grandfather? Well, knowing Maury, I ain't surprised — liberal bastard. Actually, you two got a lot in common. PAUL. Thank you, BIG TUNA. Yeah, He was a preachy lite bastard just like you. Always saying I should give more to “chatty.” I dont like charity «+. Maury Handleman ... what a piece of work. One time, your ‘grandpop comes to me with this big score. He was gonna hit the Republican National Commictee Campaign Fund safe. Steal all the money. He had it planned perfecly. I was impressed. Iwas all set to collaborate with his Den a ... Whavd they call themselves? PAUL. Den of Thieves. BIGTUNA. Right. Den of Thieves. I was al set ro do it and I axed him, “What's my cut?” “Nothing,” he says, “Nothing”? He tells me we're takin’ all the money to fund some book thing, a bunch of trucks with books, goin’ to inner-city neighborhoods givin’ out books. PAUL. The bookmobile! BIG TUNA. Crazy bastard. Hey, is your grandfather still alive? PAUL. Yes, he is. He has his own locksmith shop in Brooklyn Heights. BIG TUNA. Thats terrific. 'll have to visit him sometime. PAUL. Held love that. BIG TUNA. Absolutely. Okay, Sal. Take them all out back and shoot ‘em! LITTLE TUNA. Pop! You can't shoot these people. BIG TUNA. Why no? LITTLE TUNA. ‘They're good people. BIG TUNA. Son, I know what you're thinking, and ics admirable. But good people die every day. We don't know why, but they do. Ies God’s way. LITTLE TUNA. But Pop, why can't we just forgive them?BIG TUNA, “Forgive? Whats that? LITTLETUNA. Like the time I burned down the houses like the time I kidnapped my priacipal — BIG TUNA. — I know what you're saying, but those incidents was different. You didn’t steal 500 grand from me. FLACO. 500 grand? PAUL. Mr. Tuna, did you just say we stole 500 grand from you? FLACO. So wheres the other 2502 BIGTUNA. What are you talking about? PAUL. There was 750,000 dollars in thar safe. I opened it myself. Tcounted it! BIG TUNA. Wait a second! Sal, you told me 500 large. SAL. ’Cuz that’s what it was, This kid don't know what he’ talk- ing about. PAUL. Me. Big Tuna, it was 750,000 dollars. I swear. 1 counted it. Leven showed it to Maggie. BIG TUNA. Who's Maggie? PAUL. The gitl with the blindfold. LITTLE TUNA. Maggie, how much money was in that safe? MAGGIE. 750,000 dollars. (The Tima draws his eun,) BIG TUNA. Where you goin’ Sal? SAL. Feed the cat, BIG TUNA. We ast gota cat. Son, go upstairs and check out 's room, LITTLE TUNA. Okay Pop. (Louie exits upstairs,) SAL. I swear to God, Uncle Al — BIG TUNA. — Just sit tight ... So, how was the weather while T ‘was away? BOOCHIE. Very pleasant, Mr. Tana. BIGTUNA. What’ your name? BOOCHIE. Boochie, BIG TUNA. You gotta nice rack, Boochie. BOOCHIE. I know. (Louie reenters.) BIG TUNA. Whats it, on? What you find? LITTLE TUNA. 250,009 cash and a John Holmes blowup doll. SAL, The doll aint mine, is for a friend, BIG TUNA. This upsets me, Sal SAL. T know ... Tm upset too. BIG TUNA. I dont know how I can help you over here. SAL. ... Fm a compulsive gambler, Uncle Al, I need them twelve BIC TUNA... You ready to take the first step? SAL. Sure, why nov?. BIG TUNA. Step One: Di have a choice, son. LITTLETUNA. 1 know Pop — BIG TUNA. Get him up before he ruins the carpet ... It looks like you people saved me a lot of money. Pm gonna do you a favor. Everybody, give mea thumb, well call it even. LITTLETUNA. Cimon, Pop. Dont be cheap. These people just made us an extra 250,000 we didn't even know we had. No thumbs, BIGTUNA. All right, all right. No thumbs. Christ. Beat it all of your... Son, Gimme a donut. LITTLETUNA. Here, Pop. BIG TUNA. Have one too, son. LITTLE TUNA. ... Ica. BIGTUNA. Why noe? LITTLETUNA. I think I'm a compulsive overcater. PAUL. Bravo Lou! BIGTUNA. A what? LITTLE TUNA. Pop. I eat to bury my pain. BIG TUNA. What pain? LITTLE TUNA. I got pain Pop. Pain all over. BIGTUNA. Your giclfiend beating on you again? LITTLE TUNA. Nor that kind of pain, Pop. BIG TUNA. Whats the problem, son? (Peuse.) LITTLE TUNA. 1, I dont think I wanna be a wiseguy no more, Pop. I'm not cut out for it. BIG TUNA. .... Gimme another donut, son. LITTLE TUNA. You see? BIGTUNA. You sce, what? LITTLE TUNA. Youre a compulsive overeater too. BIG TUNA. Who's puttin’ this crap in your head, son? LITTLE TUNA. These guys. These two over here ate compulsive overeacers and compulsive thicves. They're in some kind of recovery (Big Tuna shoots Sal dead.) | didn't 51progam. BIG TUNA. What about you? You in recovery r00? BOOCHIE. No, Mr. Tuna. Fm in un-covery. BIG TUNA. I like her. (To Flaco,) What about you? FLACO. Well, Mr. Tuna ... can I call you AP BIG TUNA. No! FLACO. Okay, well I don't believe in all chis recovery shit. BIG TUNA. Me neither. FLACO. I think ies agoverament conspiracy to turn everybody soft. BIG TUNA. Now bere’s a man with a head on his shoulders. FLACO. Buc— BIG TUNA. What but? FLACO. But Maggie, she’s my girl, Well, ex-gi BIGTUNA. Whet Naggag”” St Wah exalt LITTLE TUNA. Ove bere Pop. . Tim in love with Maggie, Mr. Tuna, So, even though I think this crap is a load of crap, Tad be willing to give ita shor i think this rap iss crap, ing to give it a shor if MAGGIE. You would? FLACO. I was thinkin’ maybe Id get a legit job. Like a bookie, or som MAGGIE. Flaco, FLACO. Did I say bookie? I meant busboy, BIG TUNA. Youd be a busboy for this gil? FLACO, IfI had to, yeah. MAGGIE. You could go back to school, Haco . Thar’ an idea. I'll get my grammar-school equis and akeic fom hee ee BIG TUNA. This is very touching, over here. (To Louie.) So, son, you want out, ch? LITTLE TUNA. Yech, Daddy, I do. BIG TUNA. You wanna go back 0 school too? LITTLE TUNA. Sure, why now? BIG TUNA, T'll cal Yale. We got friends in the New Haven area. You could start nexe week, LITTLE TUNA. I was thinking abouc goin’ to a mecting wit these guys. that Okay? oe BIG TUNA. Do wht you gotta do, son. 52 LITTLE TUNA. You wanna come too, Pop? PAUL. That's a great idea. BIG TUNA. Don't push your luck, Handleman. (Beat. Big Tina grabs another donut.) You kids today, you baffle me with your problems. Nah, really, 'm standing here in a state of bafflemenc. ‘You think we didait have problems in the old days? LITTLE TUNA. We know you did, Pop. BIG TUNA. Forget about it. Our problems made you: problems Took fuckin’ ridiculous! When I was you people's age, Ihad three paper routes, T drove a fruit cruck, worked part-time at the bar- bershop — all those jobs I did before noon. Then I went to the trade school. Took classes, got out of school, worked at your Uncle Marco's restaurant till midnight, went home, slept chreehours and. ill ove aga. One day sys so your Grandpa ep, “Thi too much for me. I got unhappy problems. Life’ getting me down.” You know what Granpa Pepe said to me? LITTLETUNA. Was it — BIG TUNA. — Grandpa Pepe said to me — Pll never forget it -— “Life ... is like an artichoke.” BOOCHIE, An artichoke? BIGTUNA. Thats right, honey. See, an artichoke’ gor the sweet ‘meat inside. But its small. The rest of the artichoke, you cant do nothin’ wit it. Anyways, Grandpa Pepe, he says; “Life is like an artichoke: you take the sweet meat. The rest? You throw it away.” Now that’s what you young people gotta friggin’ learn. PAUL. ... So, that helped you out? BIGTUNA. Yeah, that and the fact that I tumed to crime. The two of them — they made my life a lot better. FLACO.. Great story, Mr. Tuna. PAUL. disagree. BIG TUNA. Excuse me? MAGGIE. Paul — PAUL. '— No disrespect Mr. Tana, but life is not like an artichoke, MAGGIE. Paul — PAUL. And even ifitwas, people are not capable of simply throw- hav Slt gps at ht Se jn-a nation filled with abusers and addicts, because people like Grandpa Fuckin’ Pepe tell us were not supposed to dell on the badthings, and that we should be able to just hang on so the good things, and chat makes us fel guilry for even acknowledging our pain; it makes us feel inadequate that we cant just block it out, so ‘we bury it; and replace honesty with lies, humility with selfimpor- tance, and love of God with hatred of s BLACO. (To Big Tima, re: Paul.) 1 don’t know this guy! BIG TUNA. You finished, Handleman? PAUL. You just killed your own nephew! You think you're gonna be able to just throw away that part of the artichoke, “AL”?! LITTLE TUNA. Pop, remember your blood pressure — FLACO, (To Paul.) You are seriously a demented retard! MAGGIE. — Paul, its time to go PAUL, I'm just trying to carry the message to those who still suffer! BIG TUNA. Son, why dont you take your new friends oue to breakfast? LITTLE TUNA. Sure thing, pop. BIG TUNA. (Re: Paul) Not him! Me and Paulie here are gonna have a litde pow wow. LITTLE TUNA. Pop — BIGTUNA. [twas nice meeting youse people. Maggie, if this guy gives you any problems, you give me a call. MAGGIE. Thanks, Mr Tuna. FLACO. Mr. Tuna, can I have your autograph? I've followed all ‘your trials in the papers, [m a big fan BIG TUNA. Sure kid. Here you go. BOOCHIE. Bye, Mr. Sexy Tuna BIG TUNA. I'll see you again, Lamb Chop. (Little Tiana tries 10 embrace Big Tina.) LITTLE TUNA. love you, pop. (Big Tina fishes for car keys.) BIGTUNA, ... Here. Take the Lexus, but don't fick it up. (They exit. Beat.) PAUL. Mr. Tana sir, peshaps T was alittle inappropriate a moment ago, taking your inventory like that, and I just want to seize this ‘opportunity to beg your forgiveness, because, the fact is, I have a very low tolerance for pain and — BIG TUNA. Step One: We admitted that we were powerless over alcohol — that our lives had become unmanageable. Two: Came to believe — PAUL. You'e in program? BIG TUNA. Twenty years. I'm an alcoholic. PAUL. I thought you looked fumiliar! BIG TUNA. Shaddup! ... I killed my nephew out of anger and ‘Tm gonna have to live with that, but ehe fact is chat he was a hope- less degenerate gambler and I took him out of his misery, and I'm sure that if I had prayed about it frst, that the Higher Power of My Understanding woulda olayed the hie. PAUL. IF you say 50. BIG TUNA. I do say so! Now lets talk about you. You stole itioney from me and you disrespected me in front of my son. ‘What do you think you should do abou thar? PAUL. I need to make a coupla amends to you. BIG TUNA. Did you see my property on your way in here last 3 PAUL. Very impressive. BIGTUNA. We like ic. 1 got my own forest out back, fifty acres. PAUL. Wow. BIG TUNA. My gardener’s on vacation, so I want you to mow the forest for me. PAUL. Mow the forest? BIGTUNA. The forest, yes. Make it nice. That's amend number ‘one ... Amend number two is [want you to sponsor my son in that overeater program. You got balls, Handleman, and you gor the strength of your convictions. I admire chat in a man. Now, go out back and stare mowing my forest, and when you finish sometime nest month, come back and see me and we'll talk about sugar 'n spice and everything like that. PAUL. Sugar and spice? BIG TUNA. To the forest, Handleman, Now! PAUL. Yes sir. Thank you sir. (Paul exis. A beat. Boochie enters) BOOCHIE. Mr. Tuna? BIG TUNA. Boochic, what are you doin’ over here? BOOCHIE. I thought you might like some friendly company. (Boochie takes off her coat.) BIG TUNA. My God, you were built for lovin’, weren't you? BOOCHIE. Uh-huh BIG TUNA. Cimere (They embrace.) Maron! You're 2 hot tamale! 35| | BOOCHIE. And you're a big calvoney, Mr-Tuna BIGTUNA. Al. BOOCHIE. Al. BIG TUNA. Lemme ax you something, Boochie You like dia- monds and furs and a life of extravagant leisure? BOOCHIE. Yeah. You like fllatios? BIG TUNA. ... I think we're gonna get along fine. (Lights fide.) End of Play PROPERTY LIST Handbag (MAGGIE) Yodels (MAGGIE) “Toothpaste (MAGGIE) ‘Parmesan cheese (MAGGIE) Pesto sauce (MAGGIE) ‘Room freshener (MAGGIE) ‘Mystery fruit (MAGGIE) 2. tomatoes (MAGGIE) ‘Wallet (MAGGIE) ‘Chiange purse (MAGGIE) Misollaneous stolen goods (MAGGIE) Four dollars (MAGGIE) 2 bananas (PAUL) 3 guns (FLACO, SAL, BIG TUNA) Rope/twine (FLACO, PAUL, MAGGIE, BOOCHIE) ‘Bags (FLACO, PAUL, MAGGIE, BOOCHIE) ‘Call phone (SAL) ‘Chain saw (SAL) ‘Tray of donurs (SAL) Luggage (BIG TUNA) ‘Car keys (BIG TUNA) 37