Audiobook Supplement
polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and
Consensual Nonmonogamy
Jessica Fern
with a foreword by Eve Rickert and Nora Samaran
polysecure
polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and
Consensual Nonmonogamy
Jessica Fern
with a foreword by Eve Rickert
and Nora Samaran
Polysecure
Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy
Copyright © 2020 by Jessica Fern. All rights reserved. No part of
this book may be used or reproduced in any manner whatsoever
without written permission from the publisher except in the
case of brief quotations in critical articles and reviews.
Thorntree Press, llc
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Portland, OR 97294
press@thorntreepress.com
Thorntree Press’s activities take place on traditional and ancestral lands of
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Tsleil-Waututh nations.
Cover design by Brianna Harden
Interior design by Jeff Werner
Substantive editing by Andrea Zanin
Copy-editing by Hazel Boydell
Proofreading by Heather van der Hoop
Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data
Names: Fern, Jessica, author.
Title: Polysecure : attachment, trauma and consensual
nonmonogamy / by Jessica Fern.
Description: [Portland] : [Thorntree Press], [2020] |
Includes bibliographical references and index.
Identifiers: LCCN 2020009992 (print) | LCCN 2020009993 (ebook) |
ISBN 9781944934989 (paperback) | ISBN 9781952125003 (kindle
edition) | ISBN 9781944934996 (epub) | ISBN 9781952125010 (pdf)
Subjects: LCSH: Nonmonogamous relationships--
Psychological aspects. | Attachment behavior.
Classification: LCC HQ980 .F47 2020 (print) | LCC HQ980 (ebook) |
DDC 306.84/23--dc23
LC record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020009992
LC ebook record available at https://lccn.loc.gov/2020009993
Digital edition v1.0
GLOSSARY
Compersion
The state of happiness, joy or pleasure that comes from
delighting in other people’s happiness. In nonmonogamy,
this term is more specifically used to refer to the positive
feelings experienced when your lover is having a positive
experience with one of their other lovers.
Consensual nonmonogamy (cnm )
The practice of having multiple sexual and/or romantic
partners at the same time, where all people involved are
aware of this relationship arrangement and consent to it.
cnm can include, but is not limited to, polyamory, swing-
ing, open marriage, open relationship, solo polyamory
and relationship anarchy.
Metamour
Two people who share a partner, but are not romantically
or sexually involved with each other. For example, if
you have a partner who also has a spouse, you and their
spouse would be metamours, or if you have a boyfriend
and a girlfriend who are not involved with each other, the
two of them would be metamours to each other.
GLOSSARY
Monogamy
The practice of having one sexual or romantic partner at
a time.
Mononormativity
This term was coined by Pieper and Bauer1 to refer to the
societal dominant assumptions regarding the naturalness
and normalcy of monogamy, where political, popular and
psychological narratives typically present monogamy
as the superior, most natural or morally correct way to
do relationships.
Polysaturated
The point at which the thought of another relationship
leaves one feeling more exhausted than excited. When a
polyamorous person has as many significant and insignif-
icant others as they think they can handle at a given time.
PART ONE
Threat
Activation of attachment
system (proximity-seeking)
Is
attachment figure Yes Relief and Resuming play
available, responsive, felt security and/or normal
attuned? activities
No
Increased insecurity and distress
No Deactivating
Is proximity-seeking Minimizing
an option? Strategy threats and
attachment
Yes cues
Hyperactivating Strategy
Amplifying threats and
attachment cues
FIGURE 1.1 An adaptation of Mikulincer and Shaver’s model of
attachment-system activation and functioning in adulthood.5
PART ONE
Parental Interactions Childhood Adult
Attachment Style Attachment Style
• Protective
• Emotionally available Secure
Secure
• Responsive 50–60%
• Attuned
• Unavailable
• Unresponsive Dismissive
Insecure: Avoidant
• Imperceptive or mis-attuned 20–30%
• Rejecting
• Inconsistently responsive,
available or attuned
• Intrusive Preoccupied
Insecure: Anxious
• Acting out of their needs 15–20%
for attention or affection
over the child’s needs
• Frightening
• Threatening
Insecure: Fearful-Avoidant
• Frightened
Disorganized 20–40%
• Disorienting
• Alarming
TABLE 1.1: The types of parental interactions that are related to
the different attachment styles in childhood, and how the names
of the insecure styles change in adulthood. The percentages
of each style are also noted. These percentages do not neatly
add up to 100 percent since they are more of a general range,
with each study finding slightly different percentages for
each style (since people with a fearful-avoidant style might
initially test as being one of the other insecure styles). Gender
differences have not been found between the different styles.
PART ONE
Low Avoidance
Secure Preoccupied
Low Anxiety High Anxiety
Dismissive Fearful
High Avoidance
FIGURE 2.1: Attachment styles expressed using the two
dimensions of attachment anxiety and attachment avoidance.
CHAPTER TWO: THE DIFFERENT DIMENSIONS OF ATTACHMENT
Isolation Autonomy Connection Fusion
FIGURE 2.2: How the values and drives for agency and communion
can go beyond their healthier manifestations and turn into either
self-alienation or self-abandonment.
PART ONE
Input Output
Healthy We can connect with We share our feelings,
Boundaries others, while also opinions and perspectives,
Being connected maintaining our sense while respecting and
and protected. of self. We can take allowing others to be
in love from others. distinct and separate from
us. We can give to others.
Porous Over-receiving: We Over-giving: We intrude
Boundaries absorb and allow in onto others, inserting
Being connected what is not ours. We our thoughts, feelings,
but not protected. lose our sense of self. opinions, perspectives or
sense of self into them.
Rigid Boundaries Under-receiving: We Under-giving: We restrain
Being protected block out the input ourselves from expressing
but not connected. and love of others. or giving to others.
TABLE 2.1: Healthy, porous and rigid boundaries, adapted
from Loving Bravely by Alexandra H. Solomon.
CHAPTER THREE: THE NESTED MODEL OF ATTACHMENT AND TRAUMA
Global or Collective
Societal
Local Communities
and Culture
Home
Relationships
Self
FIGURE 3.1: The nested model of attachment and trauma.
PART TWO
High Sexual Exclusivity (Mono-Sexual)
Monogamy Asexual and Polyamorous
Poly-Intimates
Monogamish
Polyfidelity
High Emotional Exclusivity Low Emotional Exclusivity
(Mono-Amorous) (Poly-Amorous)
Open Marriage / Hierarchical
Relationship Polyamory
Nonhierarchical Polyamory
Solo Polyamory
Swinging
Low Sexual Exclusivity
(Poly-Sexual) Relationship Anarchy
FIGURE 4.1: The different types of nonmonogamy.
CHAPTER NINE: THE S IN HEARTS—SECURE ATTACHMENT WITH SELF 211
Types of Regulation
Auto- • Self-stimulation or self-soothing done more
Regulation automatically than consciously.
(It just • Autoregulation is done alone, so there is no interpersonal stress.
happens) • Can be similar to overfocusing on an object or task and can
be dissociative or zoning out.
Examples: Thumb-sucking, averting eye contact, reading,
doing art, watching TV, alcohol, drugs, masturbating,
daydreaming, overeating, swiping or scrolling on your phone.
External • Reaching for another to help regulate and soothe you.
Regulation • Interactive, but only focusing on one person
(You do it) attuning to the other at a time.
• Can overfocus on either the self or on the other.
Examples: Being held and soothed by a caregiver,
talking with a friend about your problems, listening
to a live talk or music, getting a massage.
Interactive • Mutual or co-regulation with another where
Regulation both people are regulating each other.
(We do it) • Skin-to-skin and eye-to-eye contact.
• Both people are attuning to each other.
Examples: Dancing with a partner, sex, having a mutual
dialogue, musicians playing together, cooking together.
Self- • Regulating one’s own state through active or intentional
Regulation techniques that are self-soothing or stimulating.
(I do it) • Ability to exhibit self-control through managing
bodily or emotional impulses.
Examples: Calming down through breath control, mental
techniques (e.g., reframing), muscle relaxation, vocal
control. Some of the autoregulation behaviors can also be
examples of self-regulation when they are intentional.
TABLE 9.1: Types of regulation, adapted from Stan Tatkin’s “The
Four Regulation (Self-Care) Strategies” from We Do: Saying Yes
to a Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love.
NOTES 241
NOTES
1 M. Pieper and R. Bauer, “Polyamory and Mono-normativity:
Results of an Empirical Study of Non-monogamous
Patterns of Intimacy.” Unpublished manuscript, 2005.
2 J. Bowlby, Attachment and Loss: Vol 1. Attachment. (New
York: Basic Books, 1969).
3 M. D. Ainsworth, “The Development of Infant-Mother
Attachment,” Review of Child Development Research, 3
(1973): 1–94.
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(Second Edition): Structure, Dynamics and Change (New
York: Guilford Press, 2016).
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6 S. Johnson, Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a
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7 A. N. Schore, “The Right Brain Is Dominant in
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8 Bowlby, Attachment and Loss: Vol 1.
9 Bowlby, Attachment and Loss: Vol 1.
NOTES
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11 Zeifman and Hazan, “Pair Bonds as Attachments.”
12 See J. A. Feeney, 2008; Mikulincer, Florian, Cowan, and
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13 Frei and Shaver, 2002; Joireman, Needham, and
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14 K. P. Mark, L. M. Vowels, and S. H. Murray, “The Impact
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15 Selterman, Gesselman, and Moors, “Sexuality Through the
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18 This list has been adapted from D. P. Heller and K. H.
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43 M. Life, Spiritual Polyamory (Lincoln, NE: iUniverse,
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