Chapter 1 (May 16, 1994)

Why isn’tweren’t there any tears? At all?

I felt nothing but pain. My heart was beating so slowly, enduring each cut that turned it to pieces. The
time seemed to stop. And why couldn’t I hear anything? Wasn’t it raining so hard outside? And what
was I looking at?

He was holding the steering wheel so tightly. Hisis hands were trembling, hisis knuckles turned white.
And hisis expression! If I could just take that pain away from hisis eyes. There was too much going on
there. Anger, desperation, sadness, and somehow emptiness.

Minutes passed and outside the rain was not stopping. I felt like I have to grab those hands and hold
them, tightly in mine. But my body, my hands just froze. My mind was trying to digest the news and how
our lives would never be the samsamee again.

10 hours ago…

Ring…ring…ring…

I picked up the phone. The 1 st hallo made my heart skip a beat, as usual when I heard hisis voice. It was
him. But thisis time he sounded different.

‘Please come back,’ he Nehan said. I was surprisised, and happy; but I had just got home for my
semester break. Mom and dad would not be happy if I came back to Salatiga so soon. I told him that.

“Please, come back. Now? Please?’

It was the tone; it was the urgency I sensed there that I felt like a cold hand quizzedsqueezed my heart.

Next thing I knew, I was in the bus, going back to Salatiga.

As the bus was approaching the bus stop, I could see hisis car; and him behind the steering wheel. My
heart leaped with joy. It was a glorious feeling I had every time I saw him.
I ran towards the car and hopped in.

“Hi,’ I said. He Nehan said nothing, just sat there looking at me. Thisis is was SOOO weird!

“Heii!” I said louder and hit him on the shoulder. “Don’tDon’t scare me. What’s up?”

He finally smiled and touched my hair. “Thanks for coming back,” he said.” Let’s go.” Only that, and he
started driving.

All the way to Salatiga there were no words, no nothing, not even music. I tried to talk about simple
things but he just drove in silent. So, I finally stopped trying and turned on the radio instead.

From the side I picked a look at him. His eyes were usually like spring water, smiling and moving. But
today they looked cold and weary. His jaws and chin were darkened as his man hair started to grow
back. It seemed he hadn’t shaved for a few days. His eyebrows furrowed and he breathed faster than
usual.

Cold feeling started to build in my heart.

We had just entered the highway when it started began to rain. Hundreds of questions flashed around
my head. What iswas going on? Whatt’s happened? Or worst, what is was going to happen?

“SamNehan,” my voice was shaky. “You really ARE scaring me. Can you pls tell me what’s going on?”

SNehan sighed a deep, heavy breath and suddenly Sam he pulled over and stopped the car. At the side
of the road. At On the highway. Under the heavy rain.

I never knew how we would call what we had. Until now. We just had been there for each other. For
three years, through thick and thin. He had never said the three words and neither did I. We just had
been there, for each other, embracing each other’s presence in life. No hugs, no kisiss. Just hold hands.
And prayers. And yet there had been talks about future. What we would do, where we would live and
what we would name our children. It was Jonathan or SamSamantha, by the way.

We came from different lives, with no bridge to connect us. Nehan’s father was in the military, whose
title was never spoken of, and his mother was one of the very few honorable female judges who was
stationed in Semarang. My father was a humble high school teacher slash an engineer slash a poet, and
my mother was a dress maker. The social level was totally like heaven and earth. Hisis parents never
approved of whatever we were having. But for that they couldn’t say anything, anyway. Because we
were not an item. We were just being there, no matter what. For the past few months after he
graduated, SamNehan had been my guardian angel who helped me a lot with my thesisis. We met
almost every day although he had come back to hisis hometown in Semarang. I needed sources for my
thesisis and he had been taking me to other university librariesies to get the references I needed. I had
heard some talks whenever I stopped by hisis house before SamNehan took me back to Salatiga t. That
hisis mom and dad did not really appreciate SamNehan’s hanging out with me. Not because of my look
or attitude, but merely because I was different. Yet, they could not confront me, as I once explained to
them that we were not an item. SamNehan never declared anything and I had never asked.

And now…

I can’t couldn’t move my eyes away from him. Raining still, dark was approaching. And then there was
the bomb.

“Mom was so angry. About us. So, it’s settled. I am flying to Brisisbane, Aussie. In 2 days.”

As if there couldn’t be any more perfect time, it was Baby Can You Stop the Rain, playing in the radio.

I am was trying to understand what he said. What does it mean? Aussie iswas Australia, isn’twasn’t it?
IsWas it another continent? Or iswas it near Semarang? Then why did he said he was flying there? Why
do did I sound so wrong? What iswas going on? Australia? IsWas that so far away? Why can’t couldn’t I
understand? Why am was I being so STUPID?

How long will would you be there, SamNehan? I can’tcouldn’t see you anymore. I can’tcouldn’t see you
anymore… I CAN’TCOULDN’T SEE YOU ANYMORE…

… I CAN’TCOULDN’T SEE YOU ANYMORE…

Then I felt the chill… creepily grasping my spine and squeezing my bones. And I started shaking.
… I CAN’TCOULDN’T SEE YOU ANYMORE…

… I CAN’TCOULDN’T SEE YOU ANYMORE…

So, we sat there. In silence; for how long? I couldn’t tell. Does time matter now?

A knock on the window startled us. A policeman was standing outside the door. The rain had stopped
apparently.

“IsWas everything ok?” He he asked.

“Yes, sir. We had to stop. The engine was hot,” SamNehan answered. Then he drove the car away.

I couldn’t remember how we finally arrived to my boarding house. Our boarding house. SamNehan used
to live here, too. Until a few months ago when he finally graduated, after 8 eight years at Univin college.
There is was a piano outside my bedroom. He used to play it to wake me up to get ready for my classes;
and I wouldn’t come out until he finisnishedhed playing my favorite song: Jerusalem.

SamNehan was just going to drive the car into the huge front yard of the house, but I stopped him.

“Please don’tdon’t come in. Just stop here,” I said.

“Why?” Oh, the hurt in hisis voice…

What can could I say? That I don’tdidn’t know what I’d I would do once he iswas in my room? I’m I was
probably gonna going to cry out loud or scream to my pillow. I can’tcouldn’t let him see that.

“I just wanna want to be alone.” I finally said.

It would have been easier if he could just yell at me, or shout or whatever. But he said nothing.

I took my bag from the floor and reached for the door. Suddenly he grabbed my hand. And hold it like
we always do. Fingers between each other. The wave of pain rushed again through my vainvein.

“Take care.” I finally managed to gather some words. I looked at him in the eyes and said again, “take
care and live on.” I felt like I had to say more, but I guessed the rain had washed away all vocabulary I
learnt in my life.

“Be tough,” he said.

The thing we always said to each other when troubles came.

“Always,” I replied. “Safe drive back home, Nehan.”

Then I left.

I walked fast, passing the doors of the open rooms, greeted my friends cheerfully and finally ran to my
own room. I slammed the door and dropped my bag to the floor. I rushed to the window and looked
outside. There’s There was him. Still waiting. That was what he always did. He wouldn’t leave until I
turned on the lights, opened the window and waved at him.

But thisis time I just stood there. In the dark, looking at him. He was still there, looking at my window.

Hours must have passed cause the sun is was peeping now. I felt numb and suddenly exhausted. Those
dreams and beliefs, which I had held so stubbornly close to my heart, were slowly shattered. I inhaled
my breath.

I walked towards the car. He came out and approached me. A glimmer of the morning light shone
behind him, illustrating the paleness of hisis face. I looked at him as if I had never seen him before. After
years being together, I had never noticed hisis tall and slender build. Hisis black hair covered part of hisis
eyes that usually showed sparked naughtiness and joy, but thisis time they looked so cold and tired.
Hisis eyebrows, slender and curving upwards arrogantly. That pointed nose and thin lips, framed by the
strong square jaws. Wearing a khaki oversized shirt that looked so good on him. How funny live iswas.
Why never had I noticed thisis during those days? At the back of my mindmind, I started to see what
others had seen that I couldn’t. He had been raisised in an arisistocrat life style that money was never an
isissue. Hisis possessions were the stylisish ones. As for me, I sighed deeply as I could, imagine imagining
how I must look like right now. These thoughts only caused me more pain than I could bear right now. I
stretched out my hand and said,

“Come in, SamNehan. I want to pray. I want to pray with you.” Ok, I must had to stop talking, because I
think I am chocking now. He reached for my hand and we walked inside the house.

In my room we sat on the floor and got ready to pray. Hisis hands wrapped mine and again, for the first
time I noticed what they were like. Long fingers with calluses he got for hours of playing the piano and
violin. Big strong hands that usually hold mine; : when in anger my big brother hit me; when my mom
told me that she would no longer paid pay for my study unless I postponed my thesisis so that my big
brother could graduate before me; when I sobbed for my failures; when I was rejected for my
scholarship, and when I finally got it from the univ. choir that I joined. Instead of praying, memories
splashed in my head.

One night when I was so upset about the concert preparation, I left the campus at two in the morning ,
on foot, by myself, without telling him. I remembered how he shouted my name when some guys
stopped me and started harassing me. He had speeded up from campus on motor cycle with Danny, our
best friend, the pianist, to catch me up. Right nowAt this moment, hisis expression seemed so vivid in
my head. There was anger, worry, and fear. Jumping down from the motor SamNehan grabbed my hand
and yelled at them. Danny and SamNehan soon argued with those drunk young men. I was scared; there
were 4 four of them and I couldn’t say that SamNehan and Danny were well-built or good fighters. They
were nerds and musicians, for crying out loud. I didn’t remember what exactly happened but finally
those guys drove away and Danny went to hisis own house; and SamNehan and I continued walking
home, chatting as if nothing happened, and I went on and on about the problem we were having about
the concert. I remembered I was having a final exam the next day. A few minutes after we arrived at the
boarding house, he knocked my door.

“Are you studying for the exam? Come on, I’ll stay with you. Get your books, we’re studying in the dining
room.” Sleepy and tired, I studied, with him sitting there, reading whatever book that was. At five in the
morning, life had started in our house. Mbok, the old maid who took care of the boarding house had
woken up and was very surprisised to see us in the dining room. SamNehan collected hisis book and told
me to get ready forget some sleep before my class. Before he left to his room he said, “I hated what you
did today. Never again you leave without telling me. Did you know how much you scared me?”

Remembering thisis my heart ached and my tear gland hurt as I tried not to shed any tears.

“I will be taking my master degree. In music. The program will take 2 years.” SamNehan finally said.
“Supposably. But knowing me, I doubt that I will be able to finisish in 2 years.” He chuckled sarcastically.

“I want you to be alright. While I am gone. I will not be here when you face trouble. I need you to
promisise me that you will live well. Finisish the thesisis. Graduate. Get a job, go travelling, do whatever
plan you have made. Be a journalisist, be a writer, be a teacher, be whatever you want to be. You always
said you wanted to see that four feetthose four feet tribe in Kalimantan, or learn the lost language in
Papua. Do that. Be independent. Keep writing. Write your novels, write your songs; ask Mas KelikBudi to
make the music. I want to hear good news from you. Maybe someday I can proudly tell people, ‘Hey, I
know that song writer…”
I was stunned. Why would he say these things? I looked up to see hisis face. Hi eyes were watery but he
was smiling.

“What do you mean? Why are you saying thisis?” I finally couldn’t hold my tears anymore.

“I want you to find someone. Someone who love you and care for you the way I do.” Hisis voice was
breaking. I couldn’t believe my ears. Thisis can’tcouldn’t be happening. What are you saying?

SamNehan clenched hisis jaw. Lika, I don’tdidn’t want to hurt you. But it willwould be the easiest way to
say goodbye. We had never said anything about whatever we were having, LikaChris. You hadve no idea
what lies behind you. There iswas no future for us. Never was, never have been and never will be. And
there iswas no point of why I should tell you right now.

SamNehan cleared hisis throat and continued.

“For all these years we have been the best of friends. You are not my s isister but you know me more
than my own sisister. I can’tcouldn’t stand whenever I know you are in pain. Life has not been so easy
for you but you have been strong all the way. I admire you for that. I know I have always try tried to
protect you, comfort you when things went tough; but actually, you have been the one who make me
strong. We have shared our dreams and plans. Now life has started and its time that we move on with
our own dreams. I have to start my own life, apart from my parents, and soon you will too. We have
been the strength for each other. I believe we have enough training to be tough on our own.”

I was stunned; digesting what he said. Thisis iswas how he says goodbye. So, what am I to you,
SamNehan? Best friend and more than a sisister?

“I have always been amazed by your endurance whenever trouble comes. You have always hidden your
tears, and shown the world that nothing can take you down. You always put on your happy face in front
of everyone. But that way you give no chance for others to share your pain. I shouldn’t have kept you for
myself for these past three years. But, after I am gone, Cindy, Mimi, mas Kelik, Natalis and Dannyour
best friends are still here. You know they care a lot about you. Don’tDon’t keep any pain on your own,
LikaChris. Promisise me. Live on..on.”

The rest of hisis sentences were blurry to me. Just like that, suddenly the pain was gone, leaving an
empty hole that I couldn’t figure out what that was. I pulled my hands away from him but he wouldn’t
let go. I pulled hard and he graped grasped them even harder. Next thing I knew I was in his arms. For
the first time ever, he hugged me. Tightly. I looked up and he was looking at me. Gazing at me the way
he had never before. My heart was beating so fast and so hard. Realizing what was happening I gently
pushed him away.

“Don’t start what you can’t finish, Nehan.”

He sighed and let me go, and hid his face in his palms. “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to.” He took several
deep breaths and rubbed his face as he tried to calm himself down. Seeing him in that state really
triggered my laughter but I tried to hold it and giggled silently instead.

A few minutes later he chuckled and said, “What a way to leave a good impression, wasn’t it?” For a
moment there I saw a spark of wittiness back in his eyes.

For the first time after almost 24 hours, I could finally laugh. Nehan smiled and said,” Look at you. How
do you find anything funny in any absurd situation? It’s good to hear you laugh again, though. I am sorry
if I scared you today.”

“Naaah,” I said. “You don’t scare me that easy. You are just leaving; you are not dying. Maybe someday
life bring us back together, may be not; but as long as you are alive and well, all is well. Promise me you
won’t spend another eight years for a study.”

He finally broke into laughter.

That was true. It took him eight years to finish his bachelor degree in Agriculture. Not because he was
stupid, but he had spent too much time and energy doing other things than the lecture related. His life
had been easy. Showered with money and talent, he could do almost whatever he wanted. Mostly
music related. In 1994, he was the only person I knew who could afford to buy a ticket to Singapore just
to watch Phantom of the Opera Broadway performance, then went back the next day. The price of the
ticket could pay for my study for 2 semesters! Whereas I had to sing here and there, tutoring, and doing
translation just to pay for the rent.

We met here at the boarding house. He was the one who introduced me to the University choir and
urged me to audition. Once I got accepted then we became inseparable. He slowly changed after
observing how I had to live my life. I made myself finish my study within 3 years, taking so many classes
and at the same time I had to work to pay for my expenses. As much as I was involved in the choir
programs, I managed to keep up with the lessons. Seeing this, he started to attend the classes more
regularly and finally wrote his thesis. He started college five years before I did, yet he graduated just a
few months before I would.

He finally stopped laughing and wiped his tears. Smiling he looked at me and sighed. “Was this how you
treat a guest? Can I have some water? And some food? I didn’t know about you, but spending the night
looking at your window was tiring.”

I laughed and frowned with protest,” Not my fault. Didn’t ask you to do that.”

“You didn’t turn on the light. How do I know that you were in here already?”

“So stupid.”

“So stingy. Are you gonna give me any water at all?”

“Ok, fine. I’ll go get it.” I was about to stand but he pulled me down. “That’s ok. Stay here. I’ll just wash
my mouth with this.” He walked to my sink and gurgled himself some tap water. I couldn’t help but
burst with laughter. My jaw dropped when he took my toothbrush and started brushing his teeth.

“Hey! That’s MY toothbrush! What are you doing?”

“Need to ask? I am brushing my teeth.” His words were not clear at all as he was speaking and brushing
at the same time.

I laughed out loud. I just couldn’t believe this guy!

Once he had done, he stretched out my tooth brush to me. “You might want to do the same. Some
minty fresh will do you good, too.”

“What??? How dare you say…”

“My honey bunny, my princess, my apple pie, my chocolate mousse, the last time you brushed your
teeth was yesterday morning. Do I need to continue? Here.”

Laughing and sighing at the same time, I stood up and took the tooth brush from him. I put it in the cup
and got a new one from the cabinet.

“What? Seriously? Why a new one?” He protested.

“You’ve used that one!”

“So?”

“So? So, I need a new one for myself.”

“You drink from my cups hundreds of times!”

I shrugged.” I don’t share my tooth brush.”

“You didn’t share toothbrush but its ok for you to drink from my cup? Eat my food?” Nehan swore
quietly and sat on the window sill.

“Yup.” I tight my hair up and started brushing my teeth. After a while, his staring at me started to make
me feel uneasy. Turning away I quickly finish my brushing and washed my face.

Nehan clenched his fist and looked away. Why? Why at time like this do I feel this way? How much I
want to hug her, touch her. No, no NO! I am going away in two days. I wouldn’t want to leave a bleeding
heart here. So strange. I have had my share with women. But with her, it was always an innocent one.
Lika WAS different. There was something about her that did nothing but to bring respect. I could never
do more than just hold her hand. Of course, there had been lots of chances to do more, but I couldn’t do
it. Because it was her. It was Lika. One wrong deed would leave a stain and I wouldn’t be able to bear
whatever come after that. Still, this was not the first time we were together in a bed room, but I have
never had this such strong feelings towards her.

“Come on, let’s pray.”

Lika’s asking for a prayer startled me. She was standing there, looked fresh and clean. A bit pale with no
make-up on (she never had any, anyway) and bags under her eyes. Gosh, she must be so sad right now.
But as usual, she hid it behind that smile.

Nehan sat on the floor and reached out his hand, asking me to sit.

Finally, we were praying. Nehan was leading the prayer. His deep bass heavy voice was always calming.
He talked about our future. About my thesis, about my exams. About my mom, about my brother. About
his going away.

“...we surrender ourselves to You, whatever, whenever, wherever. Come what may, O God, for we know
that You are in charge…”
I felt the burden in my chest was lifted. The days ahead would be quiet, since he wouldn’t be there. No
longer would I listen to those sarcastic remarks, comforting gaze and words; his endless teasing and
naughtiness. I would have to do everything on my own from now on. No one would be my shield again
when my brother came here and had his episodes again; no one would accompany me staying up late
for my tasks. I would miss him like crazy, but nothing last forever, wasn’t it?

…Amin.”

Nehan ended the prayer and gazed at me deeply. He cleared his throat and stood up. “Come. I’ve got
another project for you.”

He asked me to follow him and walked to the piano outside my bedroom. He opened the lid and looked
at me deeply. “I have been working on this for the past few months. It might be my last task for you.
Give the lyrics for this one.”

Then he started playing. He started with minors that gave away this eerie feeling. It was melodious, it
was cold and yet sweet at the same time. I sighed hard as if a strong hand just squeezed my heart. I
could feel his loneliness but at the same time I found hope in it. The last bars were more cheerful that
made me glad.

I was carried out and didn’t realize that the song was over. Later did I know that I was teary when I
found out that he looked blurry. Gasping I wiped my tears and looked away.

Nehan cleared his throat and carefully closed the piano and tidied up the music books on top of it while
saying,” I don’t expect the lyrics to be done fast. Take your time. I will send the partiture by post here as
soon as possible.” He reached his pocket and took out a cassette. (It was 1994). “Here’s the recording.”

I could barely move so he took my cold hand, handed over the cassette and hold my hands. Our eyes
locked and no words were said. Since we finally came to an understanding that we had been avoiding
for all these years. This feeling and how our existence meant for us. And how it would have to postpone,
or even end with unknown result. I knew what the song meant for him, for us. And each of us was too
afraid to say anything that might start something we couldn’t finish, or end something that we wanted it
last.

Nehan finally broke the unbearable silence.

“Can you skip the class today? I want to eat. I want to eat everything in this city before I go. Can you stay
with me today?”

I hesitated. I never missed any classes.

“Please, Lika... I am starving. You know I haven’t had my dinner, midnight snack, my morning coffee..”

“aa…”

“I have to eat now or I will die. Do you want to see me die??” Sometimes his being childish could be
both annoying and adorable at the same time. I rolled my eyes. Maybe, just for this last time, I could
escape my class. So I went inside my room, grabbed my bag and stormed to the door. But he just sat
there.

“What is it? Let’s go! I don’t want you to die on my bedroom floor.”

His eye brows furrowed and made that gesture. “You’re not gonna change? You’re not gonna shower?
You wore that T shirt since yesterday. We are going around the city and I want to meet our friends, too,
saying goodbye. Don’t tell me…”

My jaw dropped. Today was going to be a weird day. It was so strange that so many new things were
happening on our last day. He suddenly became so demanding.

Jumped up, he rushed to the door and said, “I’ll go see Diana and the others and tell them about my
leaving. Have a shower and wear something nice. I’ll be waiting in the kitchen with mbok.”

“Something nice??” My eyes rounded. I could feel surge of blood started flowing to my head.

“Yes. Here..” He casually opened my closet and searched for something. He finally grabbed my long skirt
that I only wore for singing and my black T-shirt. He put them all in my hands and chuckled, he left the
room. As he walked past me, I could smell the familiar perfume he always wore and my heart skipped a
beat.

The bathrooms were at the back of the house so of course we met everyone. From inside the bathroom
I could hear cheering, greetings and hugs embracing him. Having living together for years had brought us
close together. There were only seven of us and mbok was the one taking care of us. Mbok Tum was like
a mentor, a mom, a counsellor and whatever title you could give her. She couldn’t read or write, and
was always barefooted. Half blind and so loud but she was always loving and supportive to whatever we
were doing.
I stepped out of the bathroom and I was touched with the scene. She was sitting on her chair and
hugging Nehan now. Tears falling on her cheeks, so I knew Nehan must have told her about his leaving.
Nehan was on his knees and resting his face on her lap. Mbok caressed his back again and again,
whispering her blessings and her last messages. Diana, Emmy, Handoko and Darren, our boarding house
mates, were standing around them with sad faces. I couldn’t bear joining them so I just rushed to my
bedroom to get ready.

Now that I was alone, I could cry as much as I wanted to. I sobbed as hard as I wanted on my pillow,
feeling so free that no one could hear me crying. So many things had happened within a few hours,
including new stuff that we never had before. I just realized it had drained my energy and my emotional
barrier as well. After a minute I tried to stop, took a deep breath and washed my face again on the sink
in my bedroom. I looked at my face in the mirror and smiled. The one thing I was proud of myself was
that my face never left any mark of tears. My eyes were not red, my nose was not reddish like some girls
had when they cried. I brushed my hair quickly, grabbed my bag and left the room. Didn’t bother to put
on make-up. I didn’t have any, anyway.

I joined the other in the kitchen. Diana looked at me and asked,” Are you singing somewhere? Why are
you wearing that? Don’t you have a class?”

“Yes, I do have a class. No, I am not singing. He made me wear this.”

As soon as I stopped, I just realized the mistake I made. Laughter and teasing like a choir soon filled the
kitchen.

Today turned out to be a very busy day. Nehan had been the leader and conductor of the univ. choir for
years; added with his generosity and friendliness, he had touched lots of lives that so many people
would like to meet him before he left. All the goodbyes took the whole day and it was almost midnight
when we finally could go home. My heart grew heavier as we walked closer to my boarding house. I had
made myself a promise that I would not break down, no matter reaction that he had. I had to let him go
at ease. So, I put on my most cheerful mood and kept on talking all the way. I realized his responds got
shorter the closer we got to home.

We finally arrived and he walked straight to the car.

“Safe drive. Are you sure you didn’t need any coffee to go?” I tried to talk casually. “You haven’t slept for
two days.”
“No.” He answered shortly. “I’m good to go.”

“Ok,” I said. He opened the car door, sat in and started the engine. I closed the door and stepped back.
Nehan clenched his jaws, holding back anything he wanted to say.

“Bye, Nehan.” I said softly.

“You get inside,” he said, looking at the steering wheel. “This time, turn on the light.” He wouldn’t look
at me at all. I understood and walked away from him. No looking back. No turning back. I walked
steadily inside and got to my room. The house was dark as everyone was asleep. I went inside my
bedroom and turned on the light. But I did not go to the window. I couldn’t bear looking at him going
away. I sat quietly on the bed and tried to breath.

I did not know how long later when I finally got the courage to go to the window. I saw outside to the
empty front yard. He was gone. I chocked and clenched my fists.

Won't Look Back (Josh Groban)

Tongue tied and falling

So far from the ground

That's what you do to me

And to you I'm bound

My heart was restless

And I trouble alone

But you make each place I go

Feel like home

And I wanna be there, wherever you lead me

For better or worse, for the rest of my life

It won't ever rain on us

It won't ever get too rough

 You know I couldn’t promise you that

But I promise I won't look back

Nothing but happy days

And nothing will ever change

You know I couldn’t promise you that

But I promise I won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look back

There's nothing I'm leaving

Can turn me around

You gave me direction

When it could not be found

After all the mistakes now

And all our regrets

Knowing the days left to come

Are the best yet

And I wanna be there, wherever you lead me

For better or worse, for the rest of my life

It won't ever rain on us

It won't ever get too rough

You know I couldn’t promise you that

 But I promise I won't look back

Nothing but happy days

And nothing will ever change

You know I couldn’t promise you that

But I promise I won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look back

Won't look, won't look

Won't look backHe usually led our prayer. But this time we can only pray in silence. And I started telling
God everything. Everything…

Chapter 2: The Accident (18 August 1995)

( After graduation, Lika went to Jakarta and started working. As predicted, she soon joined several
choirs. Nehan really disappeared from her life. Little did she know that he had asked their best friends to
keep him updated about her life. Lika got a car accident that the conductor of the choir was killed in the
accident. Hearing the news, Nehan made mas Budin went to Jakarta to see her)

Chapter 3: How are you?

Lika really missed Nehan. Some guys at work had been very nice to her and really took care of her. While
she couldn’t afford to stay near KS Tubun where she worked, she had to rent a boarding house in
Rawamangun, sharing the room with her old friend. Every night she finished teaching at 9 PM and
Herman would always wait for her and took her home by bus. As kind as he was, Lika never let him take
her to the front door of her boarding house. Being her, many men from work and church were falling for
her. She accepted their attention and repetitiously reminded them that they were just friends. Holding
on the theory from Nehan, Lika would never label any of the gentlemen as her boyfriend before they
told her how they really felt; and following her heart she would politely refuse their offer and stood
back... While at church, the priest’s son, Harris, was the only one she could really call as best friend. He
was her garbage bag for whatever happened and her crying shoulder whenever she missed Nehan.
Couldn’t stand looking her with her love life, Harris used his father’s connection to find Nehan and he
finally succeeded. He didn’t know that Nehan knew him before he did. On a church mission trip to
Brisbane Harris finally met Nehan and had a ‘long talk’ with him.

Seeing how Harris cared for her so much, Nehan decided that he would be the best man that Lika must
be with. So, he agreed to give Harris his email address and phone number and promise him that he
would answer if Lika contacted him.

Getting the email address from Harris, Lika sent the first email to Nehan: “Hallo, there. Are you still
alive?”

Angel (Sarah McLachlan)

Spend all your time waiting

For that second chance

For a break that would make it okay

There's always some reason

To feel not good enough

And it's hard at the end of the day

I need some distraction

Oh, beautiful release

 Memories seep from my veins

Let me be empty

Oh, and weightless, and maybe

I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here

From this dark, cold, hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line

And everywhere you turn

There's vultures and thieves at your back

The storm keeps on twisting

Keep on building the lies

That you make up for all that you lack

It didn’t make no difference

Escaping one last time

It's easier to believe in this sweet madness

Oh, this glorious sadness

That brings me to my knees

 In the arms of the angel

Fly away from here

From this dark, cold, hotel room

And the endlessness that you fear

You are pulled from the wreckage

Of your silent reverie

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the angel

May you find some comfort here

Chapter 5: The Coming Home, one day of “fun”

(A year later Nehan went back to Indo for Christmas holiday, instead of going to SMG with his family,
he spent a day with Lika. Ended up with a fight about what a marriage should be and what matters in
it)

There she was! Sitting alone in a crowded McDonald dining room, Lika was reading (why am I not
surprised? You will never see her going anywhere without a novel or two in her bag; and a notebook and
a pen. You couldn’t expect to find any tissue or powder, let alone a lipstick in her bag, but you can be
sure you can always get a writing tool.) I did not want to disturb her; I liked the view in front of me. On
other tables people were chatting and eating. In that busy world, there she was, sitting calmly with a
book in her hand. Those glasses must be new. It suits her, though. Costume? Still with T-shirt and jeans.
Pony tail, no make-up. Some of loose hair framed her face, what I always called the catfish moustache. I
felt something in my throat realizing how much I miss those. Still with those chubby cheeks. Baby
cheeks, as I used to name them. She seemed taller. She couldn’t still be growing, though. Could she lose
weight? Yes, she did. Hmmm… I hope that’s from the work and not life problem. Wait, are those
snickers?? So, after a year in Jakarta does give an impact on her, I chuckled, remembering the old
sandals she used to wear everywhere, even to classes.

Suddenly she raised her eyebrows and took her pen and started writing on the side of the page of the
book. So, she was still with her old habit. Her novels are full with her notes, with things that impressed
her; or annoy her.

She must have felt that she was being watched that she now lifted her head and noticed my presence. A
wide smile slowly marked her face. I couldn’t thank enough that she looked so happy to see me.

You Have No Idea (Josh Groban)

All through the day I'm

Seeing your face on replay

Like a movie in my mind's eye

Till barely even I see my real life

And all through the night time

Lie here and loop the last time

Thinking 'bout the night you stayed here

You left me helplessly high on you, dear

Now you're making me laugh

When you say you wonder

How I feel about you

You have no idea

How many times I think about you

How many nights I've been waiting to love you

How much I've come to need you

 Come to need you have no idea

How many ways I dream about you

How many days I've been waiting to touch you

Now that I've come to know you

Come to know you have no idea

Why couldn’t I hold you

Why couldn’t I be the one who

Who you wake and do you lie with

Who you laugh and you dry your eyes with

The sun leads to sunburn

Love leads to when "Will I learn?"

Till every night was just a countdown

Of a love you're giving someone else now

And I'm shaking my head

When you say you didn’t know

If I really want you

You have no idea

How many times I think about you

How many nights I've been waiting to love you

How much I've come to need you

Come to need you have no idea

How many ways I dream about you

How many days I've been waiting to touch you

 Now that I've come to know you

Come to know

Now you wanna know how I'm sure

That you are just who I'm looking for

And we should get together more

'Cause you still make me laugh out loud

When you say you wonder how I feel about you

You have no idea

How many times I think about you

How many nights I've been waiting to love you

How much I've come to need you

Come to need

You have no idea

How many times I think about you

How many nights I've been waiting to love you

How much I've come to need you

Come to need you have no idea

How many ways I dream about you

How many days I've been waiting to touch you

Now that I've come to need you

Come to need

Now that I've come to need you

You have no idea

 You have no idea

Chapter 6: Hallo, are you there? May 1998

Lika, instead of going to her safe boarding house, went to Diana’s in order to ‘protect’ her (as if she
could) That night, the crowd started to scream and run about outside their h ouse and somehow, they
managed to run on the roof tops. At 10 pm they broke the doors and collected the girls to squat in the
streets.

Nehan called his father and begged him to send troops to save Lika. His father agrees, only if he
promised to stop connecting with Lika. For the sake of her safety, Nehan agreed.

3 unmarked men that looked so cold and casual drove the car as close as possible to the crowd and
pulled Diana and Lika. The mad crowd chased them and they speed up away from them. A few minutes
after they left, the massacre, burning and rapping happened in Beos. In tears, Lika and Diana sat on the
floor of the car, trembling, scared while the city was burning behind them.

During that crisis, Lika’s mom kept calling and asking her to pick up her big brother from Karawang,
when at the same time, Yoda also kept calling her to make sure that she was saved.

This was reported to Nehan.

After the riot, Nehan completely disappeared from her life. Nehan’s parents insisted on him marrying
the girl they approved of while Lika was on her best time where she flourished at church and choir.
Yoda, A Moslem man at work was on his hardest pursue to win her heart but their differences stopped
her from making any further decision. The harder he tried the more often she hung out with her singing
group. The 1998 riot happened and Yoda (the Moslem) was ‘the only one’ there that cared for her and
called her continuously. His endless effort did have a result that she began to be very dependent on him.
However, hanging on her faith, never once did she agree to have a date with him. Broken hearted but
yet giving up, Yoda kept his relationship with her through nightly phone calls that could last for hours.

Through his channels, Nehan realized how Lika was slowly drifted away towards Yoda. The biggest
hitting point was Yoda building a house with a library prepared for Lika in it.
So, despite his promise to his father, Nehan left his job in SMG and went back to Jakarta. He slowly
inserted himself back into her life through the choirs. He even led the choir practice for several times at
Lika’ church choir. That was the first time he met Tommy, who was Lika’ best friend’s boyfriend at that
time. The rivalry started there as they would boast about their singing experience (yes, they did OMG… I
just remembered (rolling eyes)).

Hand in hand with Harris, Nehan managed to drag Lika away from Yoda. He made Harris make her the
organizer for the Youth Camp, and on one rainy night, Harris took her to see Luther Tan as one of the
speakers at the camp and they spent hours talking about faith, heaven, Jesus and salvation.

It turned out to be Lika’ turning point from Yoda.

Nehan’s parents were furious upon Nehan’s hanging out with Lika again; added with his effort in finding
a job in Jakarta did not make any result. Worry that his mom would be sick if he forced his way with Lika,
Nehan thought that it was time to move away. Apart from Lika’s ended relationship with Yoda, his music
career was also at dead end. Singing here and there was considered useless and not money making.
Having to be independent, Nehan decided to take the job offer in a factory in Kudus.

Chapter 7: Good bye, dear. I am so tired. (May 2006)

Years passed and both Nehan and Lika still could not move on from each other. Men and women
entered to each other’s lives and yet they pushed them away. February 2006, Lika and Nehan met again
at Diana’s wedding and Nehan found out about Harris and Jimmy who were still hoping for Lika. Their
constant calling her distracted his practice and performance at the wedding. Feeling desperate for their
complicated relationship, Nehan came to his turning point to let her go. To do this, he urged her to
introduce him to Elisabeth, Lika’s best friend at church.

16 may 2006, Lika finally sent her last email to Nehan telling him how his request for Elisabeth hurt her
and she had had enough for their endless storm. And that would be the last time they contacted each
other.

The Email
Loving you has been like riding a 12-year non-stop roller coaster, Nehan… there have been times when I
had to puke just to relieve the pain coz tears have been no help at all. Having you so close to me and
yearning for your touch and love. But I know that your love has always been mine. I know how much you
think of me and you would do anything for my sake. If I need a kidney, you will be the first one in the
line. No slight of doubt that you would even die for me. Heaven and earth know how much feelings we
have for each other. But the bridge was not there and I am so tired crossing this turbulence just to be
with you.

And yet I couldn’t just turn back and leave. Everywhere I go I see you. In my dreams, in my prayers. I
couldn’t help but comparing you with every man I know.

And how I miss you…

I miss laughing with you, singing with you, praying with you.

I don’t write any more. There was no point as no one can read my song the way I mean it but you.

And I am so tired.

Your asking about Beth burns my heart… just like every time when you are close with someone.

I couldn’t bear thinking of sharing you with anyone. Anyone

I am so tired, Nehan

Run
I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done
And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice
 Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you couldn’t rawase your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes

It makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbyes
I nearly do

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you couldn’t rawase your voice to say

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you couldn’t rawase your voice to say

Light up, light up

As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear
Chapter 10: The wedding

August 18, 2005 Lika met Tommy again after 14 years. Delivering her wedding invitation, Ah Mei,
Tommy’s ex-girlfriend who happened to be Lika’ best friend, asked Lika to accompany her. After asking
for Mei’s permission to date her, Tommy asked for Lika’ phone number and asked her out for a date.
Being at her worst stage, her 1 st date with him was done out of boredom. After the broken heart period
with Nehan, she had lost 13 kgs and couldn’t bother to buy new clothes.

Lika found that being with Tommy was calming and he made her feel safe and accepted. So, when he
proposed, she said yes.

Nehan found out about her wedding from their friends in SMG and Salatiga. On July 27 he went to Mas
Budi’s house and stayed there, sick for 2 days.

She's Out Of My Life

(Josh Groban)

She's out of my life

She's out of my life

And I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry

I didn’t know whether to live or die

And it cuts like a knife

She's out of my life

It's out of my hands

It's out of my hands

To think for two years she was here

And I took her for granted I was so cavalier

Now the way that it stands

 She's out of my hands

So I've learned that love's not possession

And I've learned that love won't wait

Now I've learned that love needs expression

But I learned too late

And she's out of my life

She's out of my life

Damned indecwasion and cursed pride

Kept my love for her locked deep inside

And it cuts like a knife

She's out of my life

Chapter 11: The miscarriage

Des 23rd in the morning, from Diana, Nehan heard about Lika’ pregnancy having problem and she had
bled at school. He quickly drove to Jakarta although he did not know what he would do. Keeping Diana
update him all the time he found out that Lika finally had to abort the baby as he already died inside.

Nehan was furious knowing that Lika would be going to Chrismas Eve sermon alone after the surgery in
the morning. He knew that Tommy would be singing at the cathedral, so he went there expecting he
would be able to see Lika there, but he found out that Tommy came alone, and Lika had gone to her
own church.

The street was packed jam in Sudirman, Nehan ran from the cathedral to GKI Wahid Hasyim. And he saw
her there, sitting alone. It was the lowest moment for Lika and she was alone. Nehan could only see
from afar. After the sermon he walked pass her and whispered, “Be tough. Always.”

Lika couldn’t believe her ears and was stunned watching him waved at her and walked away. ( It was the
last time I saw him)
 In His Presence (Sandi Patty)

In the quiet of this hour

As I kneel before You now

I believe Your promise

To be faithful

I didn’t always understand

What Your perfect will demands

But I learn to trust You more

In Your presence Lord

In Your presence

There was comfort

In Your presence

There was peace

When we seek to know Your heart

We will find such blessed assurance

In Your holy presence Lord

There can be such sweet reward

When we wait upon the Lord

As we take the time

He gives His perfect wwasdom

To be found in Him alone

All our deepest secrets known

We're surrounded by His grace

 When we seek His face

In Your presence

There was comfort

In Your presence

There was peace

When we seek the Father's heart

We will find such blessed assurance

An ever-open door

To know our Savior more

In the presence of the Lord

Chapter 12: Was that you, Lika? 2010

Nehan’s father passed away. Nehan met another Lika. A newbie at his church. with his mother could no
longer be as strong as his father had passed, Nehan decided to marry her, despite their differences.

More of You (Josh Groban)

I didn’t look at you, I stare

I couldn’t breathe, you stole my air

But I want more of you

I want more of you

I'm not impressed, I'm amazed

I write your name on every page

I want more of you

I want more of you

No I didn’t like you, I love you

 I didn’t want you, I need you

I need more of you

I need more of you

I didn’t mwass you, I crave

We're not coincidence, we're fate

Still I want more of you

I want more of you

You, you

It's more than a spark, it's reaching fire

You're my muse and I'm so inspired

I want more of you

I want more of you

I'm not just free now, I am saved

All my defenses have been betrayed

I want more of you

I want more of you

And I didn’t like you, I love you

I didn’t want you, I need you

I need more of you

I need more of you

I didn’t mwass you, I crave

We're not coincidence, we're fate

Still I want more of you

 I want more of you

And if it's all too much to sing

I'll take my time

As long as I get more of you

'Cause I didn’t like you, I love you

I didn’t want you, I need you

I need more of you

I need more of you

I didn’t like you, I love you

I didn’t want you, I need you

I need more of you

I need more of you

I didn’t mwass you, I crave

We're not coincidence, we're fate

Still I want more of you

I want more of you

You, you

Chapter 13: Nehan’s wedding

Chapter 14????

24 years later.
Salatiga iswas really celebrating the New Year. A large patch of lights lit up in the d isistance. They were
multi colouredcolored and appeared majestic. The sound of fireworks echoed out, along with the
laughter of the children and the shouts of the vendors selling their products. They drifted with the wind
across the street to my ears. To me, it seemed like a bright fire had been lit up, but did not give any
warmth. The sounds seemed to be originating from another world. I locked my car and started walking
towards the campus. I looked up to the old building, hundreds of memories splashed in my mind. My
steps felt heavier as I approached my building. E building. The old giant tree was still there, stood
arrogantly beside the football field. Our old class was right in front of it. I used to sit by the window. As
always, a few minutes before time he would sit there, reading or joking around with hisis friends,
waiting for me, sitting on the stone bench under its shady branches. I exhaled deeply and walked past it
as quickly as I could and rushed into the building.

From the hall, there were loud sounds of musical instruments playing, combined with squeals and
giggling from my long-lost friends that finally meet again. Looking at them, my heart started to feel
some warmth. A high frequency squeal screaming my name followed by big tight hug embraced me. My
besties… and I joined the merriment, so joyful to finally see them again. And then I saw him.

I was completely stunned. In that split second, my mind constructed the figure of that certain man.
Standing there silently for seconds that felt like forever.

He was holding a cup, looking at me. With the night breeze blowing to my face, the chills felt like an
arrow that grazed past my heart. There, at the other side of thisis humongous room, he stood there.
Really there. I felt like I had been struck by lightning, as I stood rooted to the floor, completely
dumbfounded. The sparkling lights illuminated our crisisscrossing gaze. Looking at him, hisis look was
something I had never seen before. In fact, I barely knew how to describe that. Hisis gaze was like a child
who had been abandoned, looking at hisis home in a dream, unable to divert hisis eyes away. There
contained the hopes and dreams that had been bottled up for over 8.000 nights, yet each dawn, he
would be betrayed again by hisis dreams.

Opening my mouth, I felt like I wanted to say something, yet no words came out. My tear glands started
to hurt again, yet no tears dropped down. Standing there silently for a long time, only when our friends
walked past me did I finally return into reality. I was surrounded by warm laughter and friendly kisisses
and hugs, with the sound of orchestra adding to the mood.

Looking directly ahead, he walked in a straight line alone. To me.

Each step brought him closer. To me.

After the tears, the search, the unmeaningful dates, the fight, the emails, and finally, 14 years later, the
goodbye.

I learnt from our friendsMas Budi and Diana how he found out my getting married, and how he ended
up terribly sick and stayed at mas Budiour best friend’s house on my wedding day.

I also learnt from our friendsthem of how he also finally got married, with a very kind girl half hisis age
whose name is was just like mine and how we two are were so alike.

And how he named their child Samantha Samantha. Sam Samantha.antha.

I don’t know how to comprehend all of those things.

I ask the butterfly where she would rest tonight.

She said in your warm presence

And to the singing hummingbird whom she was singing with

And she said it was you.

Tell me when the deer would stop running

She said when she finds you

And to the eagle how she can soar up high

She told me you are the wind beneath her wings

 Tell me, love, where can I finally rest;

In your warmth and your lullaby?

Tell me how I can fly free?

“When you are not here with me.”

The Accident

How are you?

The Coming Home, one day of “fun”

The Choir practices and the fight

Good bye, dear

The emails, and Elisabeth

Good bye again. I am so tired

The wedding

The miscarriage

Is that you, Christie?

The wedding