FADE IN:

1 EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY 1

MARGARET sits across from us at a table. She’s a perky, fun-

lovin’ girl, and sweet as a box of kittens.

She talks directly to camera.

MARGARET
I’ve always had a strong relationship
with God. I know a lot of people say
that, but it’s true.

A phone RINGS.

2 INT. APARTMENT LIVING ROOM - DAY 2

Margaret’s roommate GAVIN answers the phone.

GAVIN
Hello?

Margaret looks over -- they were watching TV. A little

bitchy, Gavin hands her the phone...

GAVIN (cont’d)
It’s for you. It’s God.

MARGARET
(to phone)
Are you watching this? I know, Montana
is such a bitch. They’re going to fire
her ass.
(beat)
How do I know? It’s a repeat! You’re
not the only one who’s all-knowing.

Gavin scrunches down, annoyed by her chatter.

MARGARET (cont’d)
(to phone)
No, what? Tell me. Tell me!
(beat)
Get out!

Gavin looks over, curious.

MARGARET [V.O.]
The thing is, about God, he has the best
gossip.
 2.

Margaret SQUEALS, grossed out.

GAVIN
What? What is it?

MARGARET
(covering phone)
I can’t tell you.

Gavin looks away, a little pissy.

3 INT. MARGARET’S BEDROOM - DAY 3

Margaret chats with God on the cordless while folding clothes.

MARGARET [V.O.]
We talk every day, usually three or four
times. Honestly, we keep it kinda lite,
because running the universe is a huge
ordeal.

4 INT. JUICE BAR - DAY 4

Margaret is on the phone in back.

MARGARET [V.O.]
I’m an assistant manager at Jamba Juice,
which is its own drama, let me tell you.

An EMPLOYEE comes up to her.

EMPLOYEE
We’re out of bananas.

MARGARET
Do I look like a monkey?

Rolling her eyes, she goes back to talking with God.

MARGARET (cont’d)
(on phone)
Nothing.

5 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 5

Margaret washes dishes, phone tucked under her ear.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Mostly we keep each other’s spirits up, because
each day is like a little war, y’know?
 3.

The phone slips, falling into the sink. She quickly grabs it
out of the water.

MARGARET
Hi? Sorry.

MARGARET [V.O.]
He’s really easy to talk to, and way more
tolerant than people would guess.

6 EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY 6

MARGARET
(to camera)
Like the whole gay thing. Adam, Eve --
he made the parts to go a certain way,
but it’s your Lego. Make your own fun.

She takes a sip from her mochaccino.

MARGARET (cont’d)
Or adultery. Bad idea. Mortal sin? Not
so much.
(beat, realizing)
Although he’s surprisingly hard-core
about pork. Go figure!

7 INT. MARGARET’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 7

Margaret is curled up in bed, talking and laughing on the

phone.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Long story short, we’re best friends. Or
at least we were. Like every
relationship, you hit your rough patches.

8 INT. APARTMENT / FRONT DOOR - [A DIFFERENT] NIGHT 8

Margaret and Gavin topple in, both drunk and merry.

While Gavin slinks towards the couch, Margaret fights with her
jacket, finally getting it off. She steadies herself to check
the answering machine.

DIGITAL VOICE
You have 44 messages. Message one.

A CLICK, then DIAL TONE.

 4.

DIGITAL VOICE (cont’d)

Message two.

CLICK. DIAL TONE. Et cetera.

The phone RINGS. Margaret answers, concerned.

MARGARET
Hello?
(it’s God)
Hi. Did you call 44 times? Uh-huh.

She squats to the floor, PLOPPING down to take off her shoes.

MARGARET (cont’d)
I was at a party. With Gavin. A party
with actual physical people who can see
each other and not just talk on the
phone.

She starts to get up, but realizes she’s only taken off one
shoe.

MARGARET (cont’d)
No, I know I said I’d call you later.
But it’s three a.m. Uh-huh.
(beat)
It’s not like you didn’t know where I
was. Jesus, you’re like a stalker with
superpowers.

Gavin looks over. It’s escalating.

MARGARET (cont’d)
Don’t give me that “in vain” crap. Jesus-
jesus-jesus-jesus! No, I will not
apologize. What is your problem?

She stands up, a little dizzy. By her reaction, God is giving

her an earful.

MARGARET (cont’d)
Bullshit. You are not the master of me!

Listening for another two beats, she hangs up the phone

defiantly. We hold on the phone, then slowly TILT UP to her
face.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Has this ever happened to you? You just
did the dumbest-ass thing, but you’re so
angry, you’re glad you did it anyway?
 5.

9 INT. MARGARET’S BEDROOM - NIGHT 9

A slash of light falls across her as she looks up, not

sleeping.

MARGARET [V.O.]
I mean, God, Schmod, a girl needs her
space. It’s not my problem the saints
were giving him grief.
(rolls over)
Besides, it’s not like either one of us
was that upset. By tomorrow it would all
blow over.

10 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 10

We PUSH IN on the toaster as two charred monoliths pop up.

Gavin looks to Margaret, who waves it away, nothing. Setting

aside the cereal box, she opens the milk carton to pour. The
milk comes out in a giant, smelly clump.

11 INT. BATHROOM - DAY 11

In the mirror, Margaret fixes her hair. No matter how much

she wets and sprays, it keeps getting worse -- bigger and
stringier.

12 EXT. STREET NEAR MELROSE - DAY 12

Wearing a baseball cap, Margaret locks her car door, walks

away.

13 EXT. MELROSE - DAY 13

Margaret walks towards us, minding her own business. She

suddenly stumbles, tripped by an unseen force.

14 INT. JAMBA JUICE - DAY 14

Margaret stands in back, thinking.

MARGARET [V.O.]
The thing is, you forget God can get
really petty. I mean, Lot’s wife? He
turned her into a pillar of salt.

She licks her wrist, just to check.

 6.

Her beleaguered Employee approaches with the cash drawer.

Nervously...

EMPLOYEE
There’s a problem with the money.

MARGARET
(snapping)
What?

He pulls some out of the drawer. It’s pink and blue and green
-- Monopoly money.

15 EXT. STREET NEAR MELROSE - DAY 15

Margaret returns to find her car where she parked it, only now
it’s

FLIPPED OVER

on its back. The wheels spin ever so slightly. As she looks

up to the sky, we CRANE UP to look down on her.

THUNDER rumbles.

16 INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT 16

Margaret sits on the toilet. Outside, we hear it STORMING.

MARGARET [V.O.]
I was determined to ride it out. I mean
what, did he think he could bully me into
apologizing? Hello dysfunctional agenda.

A strange look crosses Margaret’s face. A beat, then she

suddenly jumps up, moving away from the toilet.

A SWARM OF LOCUSTS

erupts from the bowl, hopping and crawling over everything.

Margaret SCREAMS, grossed out beyond belief.

17 INT. APARTMENT FOYER - [THE SAME] NIGHT 17

Still heebie-jeebie over the locusts, Margaret settles by the

phone.

MARGARET [V.O.]
It was clear I had to take action. But
first, I needed an ally.
 7.

CLOSE-UP on the speakerphone: She dials 6 - 6 - 6.

We hear it RINGING. A CLICK.

FEMALE OPERATOR
Good evening, Hell.

MARGARET
The Devil, please. It’s Margaret
O’Reilly.

FEMALE OPERATOR
One moment.

A CLICK, then we hear HOLD MUSIC. It’s that Leann Rimes song.

18 INT. LIVING ROOM - [THE SAME] NIGHT 18

Margaret lies back on the couch, talking with Satan on the

cordless.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Now, first off, the Devil has some
serious rage issues and I can’t condone
most of what he’s done. But the more we
talked, it turned out we shared a common
place of anger.

TIME CUT:

Margaret eats cereal out of the box, listening to the Devil’s

tale.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

Like, he and God used to be total buds,
but one day Lucifer asks for just a
little more equity and Wham! -- he’s
thrown out of Heaven ass-first.

TIME CUT:

Margaret scribbles notes on a yellow pad, nodding.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

Anyway, he said God was dicking with me
because he felt betrayed by someone he
loved. The trick was to get him to stop
caring. I had to make myself
unredeemable.
 8.

19 EXT. MELROSE - DAY 19

Margaret walks down the sidewalk, a determined agenda.

MARGARET [V.O.]
The Devil had lots of good ideas. I
mean, it’s his job. We started with the
basics, the Ten Commandments:

20 EXT. A SHOP - DAY 20

Margaret walks out, something bulky under her sweater.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Stealing...

21 EXT. FRONT OF APARTMENT - DAY 21

Margaret stares at her HANDSOME NEIGHBOR as he unlocks his

car.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Coveting...

The guy looks at her, a little creeped.

22 INT. LIVING ROOM - NIGHT 22

Candles flickering, Margaret kneels before a bizarre shrine to

a naked doll.

MARGARET [V.O.]
Worshipping false idols.

Chanting, she RINGS a bell.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

I decided to forge into new territory.
Things that weren’t written down, but
were just clearly wrong.

23 EXT. MELROSE - DAY 23

Margaret licks a parking meter.

 9.

24 INT. MARGARET BEDROOM - DAY 24

Gavin sits up on the edge of the bed, shirtless and shaken.

Smoking a cigarette, Margaret scratches another item off her
list.

25 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 25

Margaret paces while she talks on the cordless.

MARGARET [V.O.]
The Devil was really pushing for murder,
and he had a point.

Margaret takes a knife out of the block, practicing stabs.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

I know in general it’s wrong to kill
somebody, but what if it’s somebody who
really deserves to die, like that Serbian
general, or the Unabomber, or my
stepfather?

26 EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY 26

A weirdly empty beat.

MARGARET
That’s more of a side issue.

27 INT. KITCHEN - DAY 27

Margaret looks at the knife, an idea coming.

MARGARET [V.O.]
But then it came to me. The perfect
solution.

THE KNIFE

stabs into the plastic wrapping on a pair of raw pork chops.

CUT TO:

PORK CHOPS

sizzle in the frying pan. Margaret pushes them around.

CUT TO:
 10.

Margaret sits down at the kitchen table, the cooked pork chop
on her plate. She cuts into, slicing off a hunk. Skewers it
with her fork.

She brings it to her mouth. Bites in.

Starts chewing.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

It’s weird. As angry as I was, suddenly,
all I could think of was the good times.
The kicks and giggles.

She looks down at the pork chop on her plate.

MARGARET [V.O.] (cont’d)

Was it possible, even after what he’d
done, I actually missed Him?

She starts to tear up, still chewing. She looks at the

telephone.

A beat, then she suddenly spits out the half-chewed pork. She
wipes off her tongue with her napkin.

The phone RINGS.

She answers, very tentative...

MARGARET
Hello?
(no answer)
Hello?
(still nothing)
Are you there, God? It’s me, Margaret.

We see visible relief on Margaret’s face as God starts

talking. She wipes away her tears.

28 INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY 28

Margaret lies on the couch with the phone, various positions.

MARGARET (V.O.)
We talked for like four hours, and we
both admitted we made mistakes. Well, he
didn’t really admit any, but then there’s
that whole infallibility thing, so you
let that slide.
 11.

29 EXT. BACK YARD - DAY 29

On the phone, Margaret looks up at the sky -- and evidently,

the clouds.

MARGARET
No, I don’t...That looks nothing like a
horse.
(beat)
Well, now it does.

30 EXT. SIDEWALK CAFE - DAY 30

MARGARET
So that’s basically the story.

Margaret’s cell phone RINGS. Motioning for us to wait a

moment, she answers.

MARGARET (cont’d)
(to phone)
Heidi-hi!

She points to the phone. It’s God.

MARGARET (cont’d)
(to phone)
Uh-huh. Great! Okay. Bye.

She hangs up.

MARGARET (cont’d)
Sorry, gotta motor.
(dead serious)
I have to kill the President.

She gets up and clears frame.

A beat later, she leans back in.

MARGARET (cont’d)
I’m kidding!

THE END