The Truth

(About Men)
WILL SET YOU
FREE
 The Truth
(About Men)
WILL SET YOU
FREE

DR. PAT ALLEN

AND
DON SCHMINCKE
The New Science Behind
Love and Dating
The Truth About Men Will Set You Free…but
first it’ll p ss you off!
© 2009 The Dr. Pat Allen WANT® Institute
3355 Via Lido, Suite 205, Newport Beach, CA
92663
ISBN 978-0-9824808-0-9
All rights reserved. No part of this book may be
reproduced or transmitted in any form
or by any means, electronic or mechanical,
including photocopying, recording, or by any
information storage and retrieval system,
without permission in writing from the
publisher.
Duty Dating, WANT Institute, the WANT
Institute logo, and WANT Training are
registered trademarks of the WANT® Institute.
“Dr. Pat Allen” and “A Lifetime of Love” are
trademarks of the WANT® Institute.

The WANT® Institute is a nonprofit 501(c)3

California Corporation operating for
educational, scientific and charitable purposes.
The Institute is also a Federally Registered and
Approved Health Care provider, National
Provider Identifier (NPI) 1912034216.
The Truth About Men Will Set You Free has
been written for informational and
entertainment purposes only, and is not
intended to replace or substitute for any
professional therapy, medical, or other advice.
 Dedicated to H.P.
—Dr. Pat Allen

To Rowan and Nolan.

—Don Schmincke
 “On Blind Date we
chronicle the constant
comic missteps of
misinformed males
struggling to score. If
[men] buy this book
and learn from it, we
might not have a show
anymore.”
—Rob Dames
Exec. Producer
Blind Date
 “I am in love with Dr.
Pat Allen. She’s my
guru, she can be yours.
Gotta get the book!
Because no woman in
this world’s gonna get
the guy unless they go
to Dr. Pat Allen first.”
—Patti Stanger
Star and Creator:
The Millionaire Matchmaker
“If there’s any other
expert on this planet
who understands men
and women as much as
I do, it’s Dr. Pat
Allen....She has insights
that everybody can
benefit from.”
—Dr. John Gray
Author: Men Are From
Mars,
Women Are From Venus
“This book made me
feel so much more
generous and
sympathetic towards the
men in my life. I
learned!! We owe it to
those we love to try to
better understand where
they are coming from,
and [The Truth About
Men Will Set You Free]
kept me laughing out
loud all along the way.
Think extended witty
beer commercial with
credentials and a
thought-provoking
ending! And prepare
yourself for a wild ride
and rewarding ride into
the basic nature of the
men in your life.”
—Lynne Thompson
“Omigod, this is
where I've gone
completely wrong with
every man I have ever
met in my entire life,
including my brother,
father, boyfriends, and
sons. It's really, really
great.”
—Lizzy Reese
“Dr. Pat Allen knows
the answer to Freud’s
famous question: What
do women want?…If
we can learn the lessons
outlined in this book,
we’ll all have more
listening, laughter, fun,
sex, love, and
 understanding.”
—B.J. Gallagher
Author: Everything I Need
To Know
I Learned From Other
Women
“I have even more
respect for Dr. Pat Allen
for her ability to tear
down those relationship
walls and help people
create more love and
laughter in their
 relationships.”
—Yakov Smirnoff
“Famous Russian
Comedian”
and Broadway Star
“Finally some
practical and useful
information about us
guys that gives a ‘heads
up’ to women and some
insight that will help.”
—Bradley Quick
Talk Radio Show Host and
 Author: Help Your Self
“Guys aren’t players,
they’re just genetically
confused. How
refreshing. Every
woman should read this
book. We’d all save a
lot of money on ice
cream and Kleenex.”
—Jennifer Jacobs
“A huge eye opener
to the amazing way our
bodies function…to
actually learn about the
chemical responses that
make women want to
nest after sex and men
want to flee was
fascinating. It’s not
personal, it’s primal!…
all the psychology in the
world isn’t going to
change basic biology.
This is what sex
education classes should
be about.”
—E.E. Suranie
“Mars, shmars! This
is a woman’s guide to
understanding. REAL
men! Hurrah!”
—Melissa Garcia
FOREWORD
If you are happy, self-assured, and
successfully dating fabulous men, then
this book is not for you. This is for
women who are still seeking, or still
wanting to improve their dating
experience. More specifically, women
wanting something more than what
dating sites and relationship books have
provided so far; even if it means
considering politically incorrect, but
scientifically accurate, concepts.
As a high-profile therapist
specializing in gender issues, Dr. Pat
Allen knows something about women’s
challenges. Rather than trendy theories
from a popular relationship book, here
you will learn how to date based on
ancient insights combined with hard
science and backed by solid evidence.
Piercing into our earthiness through a
dark, twisting maze of anthropology,
biochemistry, physiology, genetics and
evolutionary science provides unique
and fun, yet sometimes upsetting, dating
methods. Discovering what affects our
species, and has for millions of years,
however, allows us to better understand
and use the powerful differences
between men and women that really
define our relationships. . .and what
happens if we ignore these differences.
This point of view is based on Dr. Pat
Allen’s work, as well as that of many
other brilliant, respected female
scientists whose contributions we note
throughout the text. And while its content
will surprise or even dismay you, it will
give you the relationship tools you’ve
been missing, because no one else has
dared to know them, and teach them.
Table of Contents
INTRODUCTION
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": THE SECRET HIDES
IN B IOLOGICAL SOUPS
SELF-INFLICTED WOUNDS?
THE TRUTH MAY P ISS YOU OFF
DON'S POV: TIME TO CHALLENGE THE
STATUS QUO

--- SECTION I:THE FOUNDATION -

--

CHAPTER 1: EVE'S RIB - HOW

WOMEN CREATE DATING
PROBLEMS (WHEN THEY CREATE
MEN)
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": F EMALES MAKE
MEN DIFFERENT (THEY DIDN'T HAVE A
CHOICE)
DON'S POV: DENIAL OF B IOLOGY IS
USELESS
DATING-SUCCESS TIPS: UNDERSTANDING
HIM
WHY HE EATS TO FEEL GOOD. YOU?
NOT SO MUCH
HOW HE NOTICES THINGS, BUT YOU
NOTICE P EOPLE
WHAT STOPS HIM FROM TALKING AS
MUCH AS YOU

CHAPTER 2: WHY HE'S RIGHT.

IT'S ALL ABOUT SEX!
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": HOW LOVE DRIVES
YOU, B UT SEX DRIVES HIM
MATING RITUAL COLLISIONS FROM Y-
CHROMOSOME CONTAMINATION
WHY THE MALE SEX FIXATION: SNAILS
AND P UPPY DOG TAILS . . . WITH
TESTOSTERONE
WHAT'S YOUR HORMONE? SUGAR AND
SPICE AND EVERYTHING NICE
DON'S POV: B LAME TESTOSTERONE
WHY HE WON'T CHANGE ANYTIME
SOON
DATING SUCCESS TIPS: F ORGIVING HIM
WHY HE MISINTERPRETS YOUR
SEXUAL ADVANCES
FORGIVE STUPIDITY
GIVE HIM SPACE: DISTANCE YOURSELF
WHEN APPROPRIATE

--- SECTION II: GETTING A DATE

---
CHAPTER 3: DATING PHASE I -
DETECTION
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": HOW TO G ET HIM
TO NOTICE YOU
DON'S POV: WHY G UYS WANT
STRANGERS
DATING SUCCESS TIPS: HOW TO APPEAR
UNFAMILIAR
BECOME A STRANGER
LEAVE AND COME BACK

CHAPTER 4: DATING PHASE II -

ENCHANTMENT
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": HOW TO G ET HIM
TO WANT YOU
STIMULATE HIS SEX ORGAN (IT'S NOT
WHAT YOU THINK)
SO WHERE IS OUR SEX ORGAN?
DON'S POV: THE EYES HAVE IT
DATING SUCCESS TIPS: HOW TO
ENCHANT HIM

CHAPTER 5: DATING PHASE III -

CAPTIVATION
DR. P AT'S "TRUTH": HOW TO G ET HIM
TO ASK YOU OUT
THE BEST WAY TO RUIN GETTING A
DATE
DON'S POV: WHY G UYS ARE MORONS OR
SCARED.
DATING SUCCESS TIPS: HOW TO TURN
F LIRTING INTO SUCCESS

--- SECTION III: YOUR DATING

TOOLKITS ---

DATING TOOLKIT #1: WHAT TO

DO BEFORE YOU DATE HIM -
"FLING" AVOIDANCE
TECHNIQUES
THE 3 SECRETS HE KNOWS YOUR B ODY
WANTS
A LINGERING DESIRE
YOU WANT HIM SUCCESSFUL
ECONOMICALLY
YOU WANT HIM SUCCESSFUL
GENETICALLY
YOU WANT HIM SUCCESSFUL
EMOTIONALLY
REMOVE HIS MASK: HOW TO TELL IF
HE WANTS CASUAL SEX OR A
P ERMANENT P ARTNER

DATING TOOLKIT #2: HOW TO

TELL IF HE'S WORTH IT – THE
GUY PROFILING TOOL
F ALLING-IN-LOVE SUCCESS ASSESSMENT
TOOL
KEY QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR P ROFILE
RESULTS

DATING TOOLKIT #3: WHAT TO

DO BEFORE YOU SLEEP WITH
HIM: NATURE'S DRUG TEST
HOW HE GETS YOU INFATUATED -
DOPAMINE
HOW HE GETS YOU TO BOND – OXYTOCIN
HOW HE GETS YOU TO FALL IN LOVE – PEA

DATING TOOLKIT #4: WHAT TO

EXPECT WHEN SEX IS IMMINENT
– DARWIN'S MATING DANCE MAP

DATING TOOLKIT #5: HOW TO

TELL IF HE LOVES YOU? THE
LOVE TEST METHOD
IS LOVE IN OUR GENETIC NATURE, OR JUST
NURTURED BY OUR CULTURE?
A DEFINITION OF LOVE, FINALLY

DATING TOOLKIT #6: HOW TO

PROTECT YOU!!! – THE BIRTH
CONTROL DEBATE SOLUTION
BE A P RO WHEN IT COMES TO
P ROCREATION
NATURAL METHODS?
ANCIENT P RACTICES
MODERN CHALLENGES

DATING TOOLKIT #7: IS HE MR.

RIGHT FOR THE LONG TERM? –
MAMMALIAN SELECTION
METHODS
CONCLUSION
ABOUT THE AUTHORS
ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS:
To all of the dedicated scientists
listed in the footnotes, I offer a profound
“Thank You” for the foundation of my
doctoral work in Androgynous Semantic
Realignment, and another grateful thank-
you to the thousands of my wonderful
clients who helped me to prove the
validity of those techniques. To my four
daughters, thank you for all your help
and support through the years, and a
special shout-out to all my coaches and
students for eagerly wanting to learn and
carry this message out into the world
Also, a special thanks to B.J. Gallagher
and Judith Fine-Sarchielli for their
editorial expertise.
—Dr. Pat Allen
First, I want to thank Dr. Pat Allen for
“seducing” me with the shocking
wonders that science offers to
understand the human species, and
understand myself (although I’ve often
been mistaken for a lower life form).
Also, this book couldn’t have emerged
without the feedback from dozens of
women who were brave enough to take
on the task of exposing themselves to the
manuscript as it was being developed. I
especially appreciate the longsuffering
patience of Lynne Thompson, Jennifer
Jacobs, Melissa Garcia, and Jill
Penaloza. I greatly appreciate the help of
Renee Vincent and Jenna Glatzer for
their editorial review of the early drafts,
and helpful suggestions. Special thanks
to Linden Gross, for her patient guidance
in helping me connect with what little
estrogen I have in order to tone the book
for the female voice. For my first
venture into writing the fictional
dialogues, the coaching of June English
was invaluable. Thanks to Allan and
Sandy for letting me spend hours at
Regi’s in Federal Hill, as a safe retreat
where I could craft the early stages of
this work on my laptop. Our internet
strategy wasn’t complete without the
support of social media personality
Pearl Armstrong. And much thanks to D.
Michael Whelan for the terrific
copyediting of this edition, and to David
R. for the superb layout and new cover
design.
Finally, to my family for tolerating the
stressed out and often missing dad that
writing a manuscript often requires.
Hopefully, my kids will someday read
this book when they come of age; my
daughter achieving relationships more
successful than me, and my son growing
to become a fine gentleman.
—Don Schmincke
Introduction
Most of us women want to find a
man and be cherished, but we keep
shooting ourselves in the foot!
We’re not to be blamed for
approaching relationships the
wrong way.
We’ve never been told about the
evolutionary genetics that makes
men tick.
So we respond to them like we
respond to other women…but
they’re not women, they’re men.
We can’t blame ourselves or men
 for what we’ve never been told.
— Dr. Pat Allen

“How was that date last

night?” Julie asked.
“I don’t know. It was OK.
I’m…..”
“Uh oh. What happened? I
thought that was a cool guy.”
“He seemed great at first,
but as the night went on, I felt
like…..”
“Well, there’re more guys
out there.”
“I’m tired of being alone,”
Sally took a sip a of her
Starbucks coffee. “I’m so
frustrated. I want to find a
‘right’ guy, but sometimes I
feel like, well, it’s too much
trouble.”
Julie sat back in her seat.
“It’s never easy. I’ve done
alright but it took work,” she
said.
“I know. And I am
working at it! I can’t tell you
how many relationship books
I’ve read. And the dating
sites... they’re mostly a
feeding frenzy for guys, but
it’s something. I just can’t
seem to find anything that
makes sense for me. I mean, I
just want something that’s not
a constant battle for me, that
sustains me, and doesn’t give
me a headache.”
“Why is this coming up all
of a sudden?” Julie asked.
“Well, yesterday we were
told about the office party. It
was then I realized, well,
who do I bring? I can call a
guy friend, but they’re not
serious. Then a couple
girlfriends came over and
started talking to me. ‘You’ll
find somebody soon’”, they
said. It was kind of
embarrassing.”
Julie nodded her head.
“I’m successful,” said
Sally. “I think I’m attractive.
Why am I still having
problems?”
Julie sat up and leaned
over the table. “Maybe
there’s a way to approach
dating differently?”
“Differently?” Sally
asked.
“Yeah. Differently.
Because obviously the way
you’ve been doing it isn’t
working for you.”
“I’m just saying that after
all the books and dating
sites, you’re still miserable.
So, maybe there’s something
you need to do differently.”
“What exactly are you
talking about?” Sally asked.
“Look. The relationship I
have now isn’t perfect, it’s a
struggle at times, but it works
for me. But I had to give up
what I thought I knew, in
order to make some
progress. I had to stop
believing some things about
women and men, and start
accepting the truth.”
“What truth?”
“Well, like you, I read a
lot about dating and
relationships, but I felt that
some authors were trying to
make money telling women
what they wanted to hear
versus validating their
advice. I mean think about
that. Millions of relationship
books are sold, but how
many happy couples are
strolling arm-in-arm with
their soul-mate, smiling and
enjoying a deep, satisfying
romantic relationship?”
“Ok. Good point. Despite
the torrent of theories, our
relationships are as dismal
as ever. Just look at what we
girls talk about when we’re
together. An unending drama.
‘He dumped me. Why won’t
he call? He’s not into me. He
just wants sex. I’m not pretty
enough. I’m not young
enough.’ But what else is
there?” Sally said, appearing
more frustrated.
“What if there was a
validated, scientific method?
I mean what if we actually
knew what men want. Not
what we want them to want,
but what they actually want.
Humans have been seeking
mates for millions of years.
Haven’t we learned
anything?” Julie laughed.
“So, how can you find this
stuff out?”
“There’s research now,
Sally. Men aren’t as
 inscrutable as we think they
are.”
“Like what?”
“I know things now. For
starters, sex is genetically
designed for war, not love.”
“Now that’s different.”

Dr. Pat's "Truth": The

Secret Hides In Biological
Soups
For over thirty years, I’ve worked
with thousands of women seeking a
different way of finding a mate. Even
today, my office fills up with singles,
divorcees, housewives, executives,
movie stars, politicians, artists, students,
office workers, doctors, and hosts of
others who feel that something is missing
and want something different in their
relationships. As an evolutionary
psychotherapist focused on marriage and
family counseling, I too wanted to
understand this struggle; and spent
several decades doing just that! The
journey required exploring many
diverse, controversial, and, at the time,
politically incorrect scientific research
studies, and then testing them with
clients willing to work with me.
The result? Higher success rates in
dating and mating.
Scientific methods provide
remarkable alternative ways to design
fulfilling relationships and avoid a future
of serial tragedies. But to get him to fall
in love with you, and even marry you,
means understanding and accepting the
secrets of our biological, genetic soup.
Women willing to do that find the power
to create more successful, meaning
relationships. So, I invite you to take a
journey with me to find out how to do
something remarkable.

Self-Inflicted Wounds?
Before we begin, I need to issue a
WARNING. This journey may require us
to accept that much of the damage we
women experience in disappointed
relationships could be self-inflicted.
I’ve found that:

Women tend to ignore, deny and avoid

the unpleasantries of our species and
how it evolved rather than use that
information to get a guy into a
relationship that works.
So, however unpleasant or
uncomfortable this data may be for you,
my experience finds that many
relationship challenges diminish once a
woman better understands how human
genetics factor into them. But you’re
probably asking, “Why hasn’t this
information been published before?”
Well, it has, for many decades, but
mostly in scientific journals. Some of the
data, however, became so politically
incorrect that some scientists, fearing the
loss of their research funding, or even
their careers, admitted to suppressing
their findings. This probably drove many
relationship book authors away from
validating their opinions with research.
Fortunately today, things are
changing. A lot of this information is
now leaking out into the media, and
more of us are open to considering its
impact on our relationships. Even so, I
know this material may still appear at
times “unnatural,” but I encourage you to
keep reading. Often I hear women say,
“After I understood it better, the science
ultimately made my original assumptions
appear unnatural, as well as illogical!”
The Truth May Piss You Off
Evolutionary truth frees us women to
select new behaviors, relieve stress and
increase our success in developing a
loving relationship. On the other hand,
as some say, “the truth shall set you free,
but first it will piss you off!” This may
be true, but I find that for many of us, we
at least discover new choices — and
that’s more powerful than being
oblivious to the genetic consequences of
our lives. Ironically, many of the
scientific findings noted in this book
come from female scientists, not males!
If you’re easily offended by violations of
political correctness and become
outraged at the scientific evidence
presented here, I apologize, as that is not
my intention. To be clear:

I am NOT advocating or justifying a

guy’s controversial and painful
behavior that results in divorce,
fooling around, desertion or deception
in order to get laid.

I simply believe that by understanding

the evolutionary source of these
behaviors we can CHOOSE our
actions versus being unconsciously
manipulated by them.
Finally, for the curious, I’ve footnoted
the hundreds of the scientific research
publications used in this book. What you
will find different about this book is that
I will not only describe a guy’s
behaviors, but I will also explain:

Why these behaviors occur in the

first place
How they were genetically
programmed into the male DNA
Where they are useful for species
survival
What we can do to override them
biologically when we are conscious
of them
No matter how hard we try to avoid
biology in the quest to seek men,
ignoring the science of our DNA, and
his, fails to make our problems go away.
But the good news is:
Understanding your genetic instincts
gives you power.
More power than you’ve ever had
before.

Don's POV: Time to

Challenge the Status Quo
When I first met Dr. Pat
Allen, her frankness and
willingness to upset the status
quo surprised me – exactly what
I needed in an advisor for my
research on applying genetics in
business and leadership
practices. Coincidentally she
was also looking for a “male”
voice to help her write this
book. I was flattered, but was I
qualified? Voracious dating
through high school and while in
rock bands, as well as living
off-campus at a college
fraternity in Cambridge might
have provided some insights; a
frat brother wrote the
screenplay for Animal House
while others took Vegas as
portrayed in the movie 21.
Perhaps Dr. Pat saw more in me
than I did. But what was it?
When it came to
relationships, I confess I didn’t
see much in myself. After 25
years of expeditions, research,
publishing, and developing a
leadership institute with
thousands of CEOs, I shamefully
buried two failed marriages.
Business success didn’t
translate into relationship
success. Some women felt my
“guy” perspective was that of a
“pompous, self-congratulatory
frat boy douche delighting in
overstatement and poorly
substantiated arguments.”
Clearly I knew a lot about
growing corporations, but not a
lot about growing relationships.
Dr. Pat changed all that. She
invited me to learn how the
genetic research we were
exploring for leadership
development could be applied
in personal relationships. This
was her world. And what she
taught me changed how I saw
relationships forever.
When studying Dr. Pat Allen’s
research, her genetic insights
really DID help me understand
what I was doing wrong, why I
failed and how I made so many
mistakes. Fortunately, she
caught me soon enough to raise
two absolutely wonderful and
brilliant kids who say I’m the
greatest dad ever (…but what
do they have to compare me
to?). Her scientific validation
about how we guys really feel
and think was refreshing and
effective. Why? Well, we guys
don’t buy relationship books
because we can’t relate to them.
We read things like:
Don’t pursue him. If he’s into
you he’ll ask you out, you
shouldn’t do anything.
You are good enough to be
asked out. If you go after him
you lose the control.
Self-assurance draws a man’s
interest. If your attitude shows
that then he will want you.
We scratch our heads. These
don’t ring true for us, and we
can’t locate scientific
publications supporting these
assertions. Women think they
should wait? The women I
know who are waiting are . . .
still waiting.
Contrary to these opinions,
Dr. Pat’s research finds that
women are not powerless. In
fact, there’s a LOT they can do
other than wait. And they do it
instinctively. My 16-year-old
daughter has high self-
assurance; sometimes causing
stress on dad from
accommodating those
assurances. When getting ready
with her girlfriends to go out,
however, there’s nothing in the
makeup, hair, lipstick, and
clothes that exudes self-
assurance. But do these things
exude power? Scientists
studying female behavior in
mammals now know the
answer…and you will too.
Periodically I’ll step in
throughout this book to share a
guy’s point of view – as well as
offer pompous, frat-boy
overstatements with witless
jokes; but, sadly, that’s what we
guys do. Hopefully, it will
explain why that last guy you
broke up with was really a
“jerk”, or why we guys can
occasionally appear rather
selfish, rude and one-
dimensional…and those are the
good points! We don’t deny it.
When it comes to relating to
women, we know we’re
pathetic. We pretend to have it
all together, but we suck at
relationships. Just ask our ex-
girlfriends, wives and mothers-
in-law. Remember, we’re the
gender that thinks:
• Folding clothes is a waste of
time.
• No phone call should exceed
five-minutes.
• It’s not necessary to talk or
listen while watching TV.
 • Beer is a breakfast food and
cats are a delicacy.
• Violent movies ARE
educational, and a televised
sport IS art.
We can’t help it. We’re
hardwired. But knowing why
gives you new approaches for
finding, getting and keeping a
guy.
See you in the next chapter…

Don’s right. Hardwired. Certainly, the

behavior can be modified, we’re not
victims. But that requires understanding
what’s really happening; how biology
drives you AND him – and it does more
than either of you know. Ever wonder
why you get attached to men, no matter
how inappropriate the relationship may
be? Or why your break-ups are so very
hard to get over? Think “biochemistry.”
You’ll soon see how evolution designed
you to become chemically addicted to
him, for a reason! And why you don’t
want to let go of him! NOTE: It’s
because you’re actually withdrawing
from an Oxytocin addiction, nature’s
“bonding” biochemical that’s common in
mammals and which we’ll revisit in
detail later.
Just as your biology drives you, it
also drives him. A man seeks multiple
women with whom to mate for a variety
of reasons, but chemically that drive has
a lot to do with Vasopressin, the ultimate
monogamy biochemical. Secreted from
the same areas of the brain as Oxytocin,
he’ll seek monogamy if his Vasopressin
level is high enough. Conversely, he’ll
find it impossible to settle down if it’s
low. But what about when he says you’re
the only one in his life when he makes
love to you? Since the bonding
chemicals Vasopressin and Oxytocin
peak in his bloodstream during
ejaculation, you are his entire
universe…for about seven seconds.
This book is different from my
previous one Getting to ‘I Do’. In that
book, I spoke to you about what to do for
yourself. Now this book explains the
dynamics you face when you try to date,
or work on staying a couple. So read this
message of virtuous, civilized, scientific
dating-mating principles that will benefit
you and him. And then discuss it with
him!
Will this book fix your relationships?
Possibly. But it will definitely help
mitigate the frustration, disappointment
or pain as the deeper, real issues of your
life and his finally become glaringly
obvious. Discovering new choices
emerging from this deeper understanding
allows you to:

Enchant a guy to
want you more
effectively.
 Be aware of why you
fall in love and how
to do it more
productively.
Avoid the battles that
probably shouldn’t
be fought at all.
Ready to get him into you? Let’s look
at what evolution designed in your
biology for relationship success, and
how you can still use it today.
 --- SECTION I: The
Foundation ---
“Why is dating so hard for
me?
Every day is another episode
of ‘Sex in the City’.
I feel like I succeeded in
finance but failed in romance;
I cracked the “glass ceiling”
but shattered my personal
life.”
CHAPTER 1: Eve's
Rib – How Women
Create Dating
Problems (when they
create men)

“When you said to look at

relationships differently, I
thought you meant like the
Mars/Venus stuff,” Sally
said. “Not all that! But what
do you mean sex is war?”
“It’s what’s underneath
our relationships,” Julie
smiled.
“Like some deep
psychological, Freudian
thing?”
“Well, somewhat. But
have you ever wondered
why, if we all come from the
same gene pool, guys and
women struggle with relating
to each other so much?”
“Well, not really. I just
assume it’s natural and we
have to cope with it.”
 “It is natural. But not in
the way you’re thinking.”
Sally looked confused.
“It’s OK. Come on. Let’s
go across the street to the
hospital. I want to show you
something.” Julie got up.
Lunch was almost over,
but they had time. The girls
walked down the street
towards Johns Hopkins
Hospital.
“We’re close enough to
the maternity section to stop
in. I’ve volunteered there and
still kept in touch with a few
friends. I always enjoyed
stopping by to see the
newborns.”
They walked past the
glass enclosure viewing
area.
“The boys are with the
blue blankets, the girls pink,
of course,” Julie said.
The two of them smiled at
the babies through the
window.
“OK. They’re precious,
but what does this have to do
with dating? Other than one
of these happens if you’re not
careful,” Sally chuckled.
“The point is if a certain
reaction didn’t happen in
their mom’s womb after
 conception you’d see nothing
but pink blankets. All the
boys would be perfect baby
girls,”
“What?”

Dr. Pat's "Truth": Females

Make Men Different (they
didn't have a choice)
In my earlier book Getting To ‘I Do’
I wanted to help women understand how
to relate effectively with a man in order
to get him to marry her. Since then a lot
of new research has supported and
extended those findings. In this book,
however, I want to focus on the
particular biological foundation – how
guys evolve into becoming so different
from us. Understanding this explains
why we have such a hard time dating,
mating, and just trying to get along with
them.
Julie is right in the story above. Men
are more like us early in their life. In
fact, they are us! Scientists now know
that when first conceived, males actually
are female; the default state of a fetus.
Indistinguishable from women during
their first six weeks as an embryo, each
embryo has unisex gonads and two sets
of plumbing called Wolffian and
Mullerian ducts. But if you looked real,
real closely you would see a tiny
difference. Males have an XY
chromosome. Us? We have an XX pair.
Left untouched, guys would be born
female, like us; which does happen
sometimes in rare medical conditions.
But because of that Y chromosome, most
are converted into a guy due to a very
special event that occurs in their
mother’s womb (actually that was
probably the second special event).
On a dramatic reversal of the biblical
Adam’s rib story, during the seventh
week of gestation, the Y chromosome
switches on, but only for a few hours –
and man is created from woman.
Scientists think this switch triggers an
allergic reaction inside of us that causes
a release androgen onto the fetus. This
triggers a Y-chromosome sex gene that
then sets off a series of genetic relays
transforming him into your fondest
dream or worst nightmare – a guy
waiting to happen! The ensuing genetic
cascade turns a guy’s gonads into
testicles, which then start producing a
couple different male hormones, namely
testosterone and the anti-Mullerian
hormone; this latter hormone effectively
destroys the male’s Mullerian ducts.
Why? So they don’t become the
fallopian tubes, uterus and vagina.
Meanwhile his testosterone hormone
protects his Wolffian ducts, which later
develop into the male genitalia.
Other influences from this androgen
also eliminate a guy’s breasts; maintain
more motor neurons in his spinal cord
for the muscles attached to his penis and
starts wiring his brain to be a guy’s
brain. Even though there is disagreement
as to the mechanisms, no one argues that
male and female brains are different.
Further proof of this occurred recently at
UCLA when scientists found brain genes
that switch on in female mice embryos
are less active in males and vice versa.i
As a female embryo without a Y-
chromosome, you didn’t get this
androgen bath. Your process of
becoming was just the opposite of a
man’s — destroy the Wolffian ducts
while protecting the Mullerian ones.
Then, without male hormones to protect
your neurons for penis muscle
movement, they degenerated.3
 Guys Are First Created as Women.
This process of transformation from
female to male explains how men
became so different from us. Now I
know some feel that revealing such
radical biological differences between
men and women promotes
discrimination against women, but this
fear is unwarranted. Scientific findings
show no justification for discrimination.
Dr. David Buss, evolutionary
psychologist formerly at Harvard
University and now at the University of
Texas says, “neither sex can be
considered superior or inferior to the
other, any more than a bird’s wings can
be considered superior or inferior to a
fish’s fins.” ii So, if you think
emphasizing the differences between
men and women is bad, you’re in for a
big disappointment because – prepare
yourself – men and women are different!
And I don’t mean our sex organs. For
starters, we have different:

Hormone levels
Brain wiring
Biochemistries
Instincts
Smells
Visual advantages (especially in the
color and peripheral ranges)
Neural activity patterns
Heart configurations (heart attacks
are more subtle and less painful for
many womeniii)
Eye configurations
Finger lengths – a guy’s ring finger
is longer than his index finger, but
women’s are usually the same
length. iv (Go ahead and check. No
one’s watching)
Auditory advantages
Reactions to pheromones
Motor skills
Brain lobe orientation

Don's POV: Denial of

Biology is Useless
It was arrogant of me to think
I was in control. I mean, I took
enough self-help seminars. How
hard could it be? But analyzing
how I fell into relationships,
and what drove me
unconsciously, really woke me
up. Argue as I might, the
scientific research clearly
exposed my denial.
Many of my relationship
choices emerged automatically
– from the genetic differences
imprinted on me. Perhaps denial
seemed easier because modern
hype seduced me into thinking
that I could make my primal
instincts disappear, or be
ignored. Evidence supports this.
We possess the remarkable
capacity to ignore the high
failure rates of marriage
counseling while the only thing
exceeding relationship book
sales is the number of failed
relationships. But what do we
do?
Assuming complete control,
and ignoring biological
influence, proves disastrous.
That androgen bath in our
mom’s womb seriously altered
our destiny. And yours!v For
example, I know we guys like to
show you we’re in control, but
it isn’t really happening. Even
day-to-day interactions with you
drive uncontrollable instincts.
Like if we’re in the office and
there’s a mutual attraction
between us, you may want to
engage us in a conversation;
perhaps to find out what we do
after work, our hobbies, what
we like to read, where we like
to hang out, our family, and
friends, etc. No problem for
you. But for us? OMG. As you
walk up to us at the water
cooler we’re not thinking about
any of that. Beneath that “cool”
confident image honed from
years of self-help training, our
body’s endocrine system is
exploding. We’re concocting an
awesome hormonal cocktail as
our blood pressure escalates,
muscles tense, body heat
increases and sweat leaks from
our pores! Meanwhile, dormant
brain regions (the ones that
forgot to take our self-help
seminars) light up, our skin
cells start squandering
pheromones and our eyes dilate
as we lamely try to hide an out-
of-control cardio-respiratory
rate. Not to mention a number of
changes in other parts of our
anatomy.
Sadly, in relationships, our
million-year-old biology wins. I
remember having a trainer who
was an ex-Navy Seal. Who
knows what bravery this guy
saw in the field, but when he
had to talk to a girl he liked, he
freaked. He crumbled! It was
the only thing that scared him. In
spite of equality of the sexes in
the workplace, you already
know we guys aren’t equal.
We’re different. I mean we
know what happens every time
you get up to go to the bathroom
together. You’re talking about
us! Sometimes it’s because you
think we’re insensitive,
arrogant, uncultivated, shallow,
and self-centered. You’re right,
I admit it, but that’s not the
point. The point is that if you
want us to want you, to love you
and to commit to you, it’s
helpful to understand our
differences. This doesn’t mean
complying with our different
drives and instincts, we can
choose to override those, but
occasionally, when our biology
takes over we need a little
forgiveness. Our genetic drive
is eternally vigilant trying to
find a weakness in our defenses.
Perhaps we need to stop
ignoring our biology. Our
bodies will simply not allow us
to leave our primal instincts
behind. They never did.
 Unfortunately, even though guys like
Don can accept their differences, the
androgen bath conversion they go
through doesn’t come without costs.
Illnesses comprise yet another difference
between our genders. Studies find that
boys suffer more neurological disorders
like schizophrenia, autism and dyslexia
than girls.vi Furthermore, just as
biological differences between the sexes
impact everything from disease to
physical features, they also impact how
men and women see and relate to the
world, and the people in it. Ignoring
these differences hinders women in
finding a guy, captivating him and getting
him to commit. Not accepting
evolutionary differences in our attitudes
condemns us to continued frustration and
arguments.

Denying biology, denies relationships.

Instead, accept our differences
and stop trying to change each other,
. . .and certainly don’t apologize
or feel guilty about your gender.

Dating-Success Tips:
Understanding Him
Undooming the relationships you’ll
develop after reading this book occurs
when we women better understand those
differences that may become annoying.
After a guy evolves from being a female
to becoming a male in his mother’s
womb, his newly acquired differences
can be a challenge for the rest of his life.
Some show up as minor irritations or,
worse, total relationship failures. In the
search for a relationship that works, it’s
helpful to remember that:

Guys aren’t jerks intentionally (it

just comes naturally).
If they screw up, try to forgive
them.
Guys hear, see and feel differently
than us, and understanding this helps
produce better relationships in spite of
the annoyances. Let’s take a look at a
few:
Why He Eats to Feel Good.
You? Not So Much
After a good dinner guys feel pretty
good and are usually ready to settle
down to a nice cup of coffee…or other
adult activities (yes, they will skip the
coffee). But you? Not so much. You’re
thinking about whether the kids have
finished their homework and are ready
for bed, whether the laundry’s done,
whether you can call your friend to see if
she’s feeling better, and when you’re
going to get to the store to pick up a dish
for tomorrow’s party.
Scientists now know why. Positron
emission tomography (PET) studies
revealed the problem. In his research,
reported in the American Journal of
Clinical Nutrition, Angelo Del Parigi of
the National Institute of Diabetes and
Digestive and Kidney Diseases found
that after eating, men’s brains showed
higher activity in the prefrontal
neocortical areas for feeling satisfied,
but women’s showed such activity in
occipital neocortex where vision is
located.
What’s the evolutionary advantage?
When guys came back from the hunt, they
needed to eat. Once full and feeling
good, they could rest up for the next day.
Females on the other hand needed to
make sure the men were fed and
adequately rested so they could catch
food and kill enemies the next day,
which in addition to food preparation
meant the women would be handling the
kids and other camp-management issues.
No post-dinner lounging by the fire for
them.
Some scientists think this difference
in how we deal with food could also
explain why women have higher rates of
obesity and eating disorders than men.
Guys eat, feel good, and stop. Women
eat, don’t feel good, and seek more food.
Guys also probably don’t care as much
about how they look with extra weight
because women want men for more than
looks (more on this later).
If feeling good after eating isn’t on the
agenda for you, it’s probably because
after eating there’s more to do. This
sounds unfair, but remember; at least you
don’t have to kill things! Sure, these
days men don’t often need to kill animals
(or bad guys) anymore, but most of you
love to have a guy around when you see
a spider.
Does this change when eating out?
Evidence points to your feelings about
eating and the satisfaction you
experience afterwards shifts when you
dine out. Why? Because the experience
is about more than just the meal.

Females go out to dinner to nurture

relationships, not as an alternative to
cooking and cleaning up.
On the other hand, during dinner a
guy’s thoughts about moving food into
his mouth are only interrupted by
moments of sexual fantasy.

How He Notices Things, But

You Notice People
How you both prioritize “things”
versus “people” is an even more
dramatic difference that requires
forgiveness. You see, guys prioritize life
around things. That’s right, “things.” You
know, like “stuff.” Guys actually like
stuff. They spend millions on books and
magazines about stuff, study how stuff
works and play with computer stuff, car
stuff, stereo stuff, gadget stuff, sport
stuff, and hunting stuff.
 Of course, we women think men are
wrong when they limit their view of the
world to just stuff. Yet guys think it’s
bizarre that we feel the world isn’t about
stuff, but something else — human
relationships! That’s why we spend
millions on books and magazines written
about love, romance, other people’s
relationships, and how to look better to
other people through exercise, diet,
make-up, clothes, etc. The differences
between us kind of looks like this in the
brain:

GUY BRAIN FEMALE BRAIN

How stuff relates to How people relate
other stuff to other people
What impact
How to get stuff relationships have
on others
How to beat
How to fit in when
someone else at
relating to others
getting stuff
How to protect What others think
your stuff about us
How people
communicate,
How to get stuff
cooperate, love and
efficiently.
share their
relationships

Researchers such as Helen Fisher,

author of Anatomy of Love, think this
brain wiring for things versus
relationships makes sense
evolutionarily, because a guy needs to
know about “things” in order to hunt and
fight better. On the other hand, females
need to notice the needs of infants and
other’s in the community.8 This explains
a lot. A guy doesn’t have to care about
another guy’s feelings as long as he hits
his target!
This genetic difference in a guy’s
orientation for things versus people
could be a major contributor to the fights
we have about love. Women want men to
tell them they love them, but guys want
to “show” them instead. Ever wonder
why when you ask a guy “Do you love
me?” he always says:

“Didn’t I tune your car?”

“Didn’t I get you new tires?”
 “Didn’t I fix the sink?”
“Didn’t I buy you jewelry?”
“Didn’t I name my boat after
you?”
Guys show their love by doing, not
talking.

— RULE OF DATING —

Guys use things to prove love.

Girls use love to prove things.

Guys’ focus on things as opposed to

women’s focus on people explains a lot:

Guys can actually program home

stereo, TV, and sound equipment
better than women (68 percent
versus 16 percent).
70–80 percent of guys find work
(the hunt) to be the most
important part of their lives, but
70–80 percent of women say it’s
the family (the gathering).
Police notice in crime reports
that guys are more likely to
remember the make and model of
the car, while females remember
the suspect’s hair color and
clothing.
If Barbara, Robyn, Lisa and Ellen
go to lunch, they call one another
Barbara, Robyn, Lisa and Ellen.
 But if Jay, Allan, Mike and Bill
go out for a drink, they refer to
each other as Dickhead, Jerkoff,
Numbskull and Useless9
Guys will respect each other’s
stuff, while women steal each
other’s fashion ideas!

What Stops Him From

Talking as Much as You
The fact that men don’t talk as much
as we do is not surprise. We’ve been
complaining about men’s lack of
conversational skills for thousands of
years. But now we can forgive them
more easily and help diminish
relationship friction by understanding the
biological reason for this disparity.
Recent brain scans of glucose utilization
and other activity show a guy’s brain is
more compartmentalized. In other
words, his speech function is focused in
specific areas of the brain. Female
speech centers, however, are distributed
throughout their brain. That explains why
we can talk so much…endlessly from a
guy’s point of view.
Is there an evolutionary advantage to
this? Some scientists think so. The past
ten million years, guys learned not to
talk while hunting or warring because
the noise scared the prey or gave away
their positions. Those guys who did talk
starved to death or were killed; their
genetic line is now extinct. Those who
survived are our ancestors.
Today a guy’s centralized speech centers
affect him in many ways:

Speech defects such as stuttering

are almost entirely restricted to
males.
There are three to four times as
many boys as girls in remedial
reading classes.
A 1999 survey of one thousand
telephone users of British phone
company Telewest revealed that
half of men’s calls were less than
five minutes, but a third of
 women’s calls were more than
fifteen minutes!
Researchers like D. McGuiness, who
wrote Sensory Biases in Cognitive
Development: Male-Female
Differentiation —A Bio-Cultural
Perspective, find that these
communication differences occur
worldwide. And there’s nothing we can
do about it to make each other the same.
Women are more verbally fluent
everywhere as discovered in studies
around the world including U.S.,
England, Czechoslovakia and Nepal.10
What’s our verbal edge over men?
Estrogen. Studies show that we are more
verbally proficient in the middle of our
monthly cycle when our estrogen levels
peak.11 After menses, estrogen levels
drops along with our proficiency. Still,
even at our worst, we outperform males
on all verbal tasks.
So, together with this new level of
understanding, we can create more
satisfying relationships by guys not
criticizing us for talking so much and us
not making them feel wrong because
they’re quiet.
But aren’t guys good at anything? Yes,
math. Although there are many brilliant
female mathematicians, the ratio still
goes to the guys. Research by C.P.
Benbow and L.C. Stanley, seen in the
article “Sex Differences in Mathematical
Ability,” published in the journal
Science, found that guys performed
better in higher math (not arithmetic, but
the headier stuff) as evidenced in a study
of 50,000 students: the highest SAT
scorers were guys by a ratio of thirteen
to one!12 And more research by G. C.
Leder, author of Gender Differences in
Mathematics, discovered that three out
of four math PhDs are guys.13
Male hormones explain men’s
dominance in math because females who
get abnormally high doses of male
hormones in the womb from fetal
malfunctions or drugs do much better at
math than other girls. Evolutionarily this
makes sense since guys needed to
calculate stuff more than we did in order
to hunt, fight wars and make fun toys.
 Please don’t interpret this as us being
inferior. Remember, a fish’s fins don’t
work well on a bird, and vice versa. I
know what you’re thinking, “Well, who
likes math anyway? It’s boring.” This, of
course, proves the point.

Why Guys Can't Share

Emotions (so stop waiting
for that to happen!)
We get very frustrated with guys
because they can’t share emotions easily.
But, yet again, scientists now know why.
Brain scans find that we recognize
emotions much more quickly than they
do. Researchers Dr. Raquel Gur,
neuropsychiatrist at the University of
Pennsylvania and her psychologist
husband Ruben Gur, found that “A
woman’s face had to be really sad for a
man to see it.” This explains a lot!

How come he didn’t notice

something was wrong?
He never seems to care when I’m
upset!
All he could say is “What did I
do?”
A friend of mine shared that when she
and her husband bought their first house
she had such buyer’s remorse that she
sobbed all day after the closing. They
were driving separate cars and when he
stopped to ask her about where she
wanted to go for lunch, he didn’t even
notice the tears streaming down her face.
Stunned, she answered him without
further comment, and stared in disbelief
as he just walked back to his car and
drove off to lunch.
But even if guys could recognize
emotions, they often can’t share them for
several reasons:

Reason #1 — The Brain

Male left-lobe dominance in their
brain focuses guys on “thinking,” while
female right-lobe dominance focuses
them on “feeling.” Dr. Teow-Chong Sim
of Sam Houston University demonstrated
this recently. Because the right-side of
the brain controls the left side of the
body and vice-versa, he found that
women hear “emotional” words through
their left ear about 6 percent better. You
might let your guy know that he could
have a better chance whispering “sweet
nothings” to you in your left ear versus
your right.

Reason #2 —
Compartmentalization
Guys can’t get emotional because
their brains aren’t wired for it. Canadian
researcher Sandra Witleson found in
MRI scans that emotional centers in the
brains of men and women look like the
picture below. As you can see, emotion
in a female brain is spread everywhere:
CENTERS OF EMOTION

In Men
 In Women

Reason #3 — Bad
Chemistry
Later you will learn even more about
the biochemicals Oxytocin and
Serotonin, and how they help mammals
to bond and share feelings. Not
surprisingly, guys seem to have less of
both of these than we do.

Reason #4 — Size Does

Matter
There’s also a physical reason guys
can’t share emotions: It’s due to the
neurological bridge between their right
and left brain lobes called the corpus
collosum. Like a high-speed data link,
the thicker this bridge the higher the
bandwidth between the lobes. Bigger
corpus collosums allow humans to think
with both hemispheres better and shift
more easily between warrior and artist,
thinking and feeling, masculine and
feminine. The bad news is guys have
smaller ones than we do! To make
matters worse, new research finds
there’s another part of a guy’s brain
called the “cingulate gyrus” where
emotions are located. Surprise — it’s
larger in us than in them.14

Guys don’t share their feelings

because they can’t!
Actually they can, but by the time they
squeeze emotions through their smaller
corpus collosum, jumpstart a dormant
cingulate gyrus, and squeeze out the last
drops of Oxytocin and Serotonin, they’re
pretty much too exhausted to talk about
their feelings.
To make matters worse, right-handed
guys are more handicapped than left-
handed guys and gay guys because these
groups have bigger corpuses too! In fact,
a Canadian study of twenty-three
thousand people found that left-handed,
gay guys had 39% bigger corpuses than
heterosexuals! Sadly, everybody else
can switch lobes faster than a hetero,
right-handed guy. Right-handed guys
have to work hard to shift from the
logical (left) side of their brain to the
emotional (right) side. Some guys are so
hyper-male that they can’t get off the left
side. Luckily, those hyper-males die
young because they’re not having any fun
anyway. Right-handed guys can switch,
but it just takes a lot more time than
women, left-handers and gay males.
 So, don’t get upset when a guy just
answers “fine” to the question “how are
you?” He thinks he’s provided a
perfectly sufficient answer. We should
never ask a guy how he feels unless he’s
gay or left-handed, or we should expect
to wait a couple weeks for an answer.
This explains why we can think and feel
while talking, but why guys get that
blank look on their faces when we ask
them, “How do you feel about…” But if
we ask a guy “What do you think
about…,” they can give us an immediate
answer. This causes such intense conflict
that David Buss’ research on newlyweds
found 45% of women complain that their
husbands fail to express their true
feelings. And that it gets worse, not
better, over time:

Why are guys so evolutionarily

designed to restrict emotions? Some
scientists think that not getting emotional
may help them play around more
sexually in order to maximize genetic
success, or help them focus on other
goals than relationship building. This
could be true because guys find that
emotional women consume far too much
time and effort that could be better spent
on other things important to them; things
like “stuff.” We, on the other hand, are
more concerned about emotions because
of the high risk of erring when we try to
assess a guy’s commitment. When we
select the wrong guy, the consequences
are higher for us than him!
Knowing how we’re different and
why nature made us that way helps heal
many relationship problems and
prevents a lot more. But how do we get
the relationship we want? Let’s find out,
but not so fast. There’s one more thing
about gender differences you need to
know BEFORE you start selecting a guy.

Sex.
CHAPTER 2: Why
He's Right. It's All
About Sex!

“I used to think that

relationships were magical,”
said Sally. “I’d find that
special knight and he’d carry
me off into the sunset. But
now you’re talking to me
about chromosomes!”
“This research doesn’t
mean you can’t have a
fulfilling and happy
relationship, Sally. It just
means that the problems we
have as women are fixable if
we accept the reality of what
we’re working with. How
many lunches and late-night
phone calls have you and I
had consoling girlfriends.
They got dumped for another
lover, or found out somebody
wasn’t really interested?”
“You’re right. None of
this is new. Look at all the
TV shows, movies,
magazines and novels about
this. I’ll bet you tonight the
evening news shows another
celebrity or politician getting
dumped, caught or
divorced.”
“Yet we still try to find
someone.”
“Why try? I mean
wouldn’t it be easier to just
stop?” Sally shook her head.
“Sure. Yeah.” Julie said
with a laugh. “But we don’t
stop — no matter how
painful it is. We’re
programmed to want, to lust,
to find warmth in each other
no matter how many failures
there are. The instinct
driving us to mate is too
strong.”
“Well, that’s obvious.”
“But if it’s obvious, why
don’t we notice it? It just
lurks in the dark. We hold it
like data from some
textbook. We never see it
driving our decisions, or
destroying our careers.”
Julie said.
“But haven’t we evolved
past this mating thing?” Sally
asked.
Julie laughed.
“Unfortunately evolution
doesn’t work that way. Or
 that fast!”

Dr. Pat's "Truth": How Love

Drives You, But Sex Drives
Him
Julie is right. Our bodies still operate
on millions of years of programming. A
successful programming, I might add,
given that we’re still here. This insight
remains hidden to us and only reveals
itself as we expose Nature’s talent for
being the great seducer and deceiver.
Nature masks its cold sex agenda quite
nicely under the modern pretense of
“sophistication” — we call it romance
or love. This doesn’t mean we can’t feel
love, or have spiritual capacity for love,
but research finds that underneath our
civilized, sanitized, and politically
correct world something else exists –
Nature’s genetic “prime directive”. A
directive secretly and unceasingly
moving us toward each other; our
relationship pains, disappointments and
frustrations notwithstanding. And that
agenda is simply to replicate the
information in our cells. For gender-
based species like us, that means sex.
Disagree we might, but this makes
perfect sense biologically.

We aren’t from different planets.

We first saw each other on earth in
the mud and the slime over one
 hundred million years ago.
We feel we need to cover all this up
with culture, religion and philosophy,
however in the end Joann Ellison
Rodgers, author of “Sex: A Natural
History”, says it best: humans are
“throbbing collections of protoplasm
whose energies are ever in screaming
search of sex.”16 Don’t expect this
“screaming” to stop anytime soon. Those
of us who learned to replicate survived;
the rest are toast…history…gone! How
many didn’t make it? Scientists calculate
over 99% of all species that ever lived
are now extinct. We’re the offspring of
those who survived by successfully
replicating for millennia.17
Congratulations!
Survive we are programmed to do.
That means replication of our DNA.
Without that, there isn’t any need for
male bodies to seek female bodies. And
so we will, but not without problems.

— RULE OF DATING —

Our “romantic and civilized”

sophistication suppresses
nature’s genetic agenda.
Humans are the only
mammals that seek to do this
in their species.
Mating Ritual Collisions
from Y-Chromosome
Contamination
Melanie meets the guy of her
dreams. They’ve met for dinner a
couple times. But now he’s
coming on too strong. She starts
feeling uncomfortable. She likes
him, but she’s not yet ready for
that next step.
Joyce has been with Chuck for a
year. At lunch, she complains to
her girlfriends about the fights
they’re having. He wants sex too
much. He’s feeling rejected, she’s
feeling pressured.
 Stephanie sees him approach at
the party. She feels excited to
meet him. He delivers a bad
pickup line about spending the
night with him. She rolls her eyes
and walks into another room.
The sex conflict is nothing new. And you
do NOT have to have sex to date him,
but realizing HIS agenda helps you cope
with the tension and maybe even cut him
some slack. Not that every guy should
get some slack, but if he’s salvageable it
helps to understand what’s going on
inside his body. Evolution designed guys
to see sex as the foundation of
relationships, and that’s why they just
can’t help it. For thousands of years we
have complained:
”Is that all you want me for is
sex?”
“Don’t break your neck checking
her out!”
“You’re always thinking with your
little head!”
And now we know why. Don’t we
want sex too? Yes, but eventually we
also want other things, like conversation.
So the issue isn’t really about sex, but
the priority for it. The ensuing tension
in some strange way is nature’s strategy
for the genetic survival game. We are
cautious — we seek to have sex with the
special man who will meet our
standards (which are also set by genetic
evolution for offspring protection),
while guys seek the one woman who
will…well, just say “yes.” I know that
some of us get very upset when they hear
that guys just want to get laid, but
remember, denying it doesn’t make it go
away. Let’s see how we can work with it
versus getting hurt by it.

Why the Male Sex Fixation:

Snails and Puppy Dog Tails .
. . with Testosterone
What’s the culprit triggering man’s
high sexual fixation? A nasty little
molecule called Testosterone. A very
ancient hormone, the “Big T” turns on
the neural pathways for lust and the ones
for aggression. Testosterone has been
wreaking havoc on male biology for
millions of years and begins its agenda
at puberty. That’s when testosterone
makes sure guys only think about one
thing — sex.
Testosterone forces men to look at
women. It’s nature’s most common
response. If men don’t look at women,
they’re either gay or something’s wrong.
But we probably won’t ever say,
“Honey, you didn’t even glance at that
pretty girl walking by? Is everything
OK?” And that’s the paradox of our
species. Recently, many published
studies reveal testosterone’s impact on a
guy’s sex drive and aggressive
lifestyle.20 For example:

Asian men have the least amount

of sex, a finding consistent with
their lower level of
testosterone…and lower
incarceration rates.
Guys with nine-to-five jobs have
less sex than guys who work
sixty-plus hours per week
(another testosterone signal).
More research reveals how
testosterone drives men to sex by
observing sexual desire rates dropping
just as testosterone rates drop as men get
older. Even though everyone said they
were happy with their sex life, a study of
couples in Australia in 1997–1998
showed sex frequency to be as follows:

Frequency
of Sex per Age
Year
144 20
112 30
78 40
63 50
61 60

These are just averages, of course,

because some guys are still virgins in
their twenties while others hump like
rabbits until they’re sixty, but overall
men lose testosterone’s aggression and
havoc as they age.
Curiously, this loss of testosterone’s
influence accelerates once guys mate for
life. Some research suggests that this
explains why men tend to lose their edge
for professional success shortly after
marriage, while unmarried men seem to
keep achieving success well into their
fifties and sixties.19 Professional success
reemerging after a divorce further
supports this effect – testosterone
increasing once again after the marriage
is over.
Not surprisingly, testosterone havoc
hurts us in relationships; causing men to
want polygamy, to want more than one
wife, and to want sex often and with
many females. It’s the main culprit
challenging monogamy and making us
angry as it promotes one-night stands,
which Dr. Theresa Crenshaw says is as
close to being alone as possible with
another person.
But does testosterone affect us too?
Yes, but we have a more dominant
molecule.

What's Your Hormone?

Sugar and Spice and
Everything Nice
Estrogen is our magic. This hormone
causes us to behave in ways men find
exciting. Our estrogen-driven behavior
makes men want to be sexually
aggressive and, interestingly, to show off
in order to get our attention. Estrogen
turns us into Marilyn Monroe — warm
and seductive — by developing our
breasts, our smell and our receptivity to
sex. It makes us sexual magnets for men,
especially when estrogen levels peak in
our twenties, or we undergo estrogen
replacement therapy later in life. Even
though our estrogen makes us willing
and available, however, it doesn’t
necessarily inspire us to act. That’s HIS
job. Our job is to influence his action.
As part of our replication design,
estrogen makes us want sex too, but
contrary to men (who want it for its own
merit), we women want it for approval
and to feel valued.
 — RULE OF DATING —

Estrogen makes you want sex

not for an orgasm, but so that
a guy will approve of you.

This does not diminish us as women.

Seeking approval is important. In a
quirky way, nature gives us power to
manipulate males for approval so we get
what we want – resources and
protection for newborn children.
Do guys have estrogen too? Yes, but
there’s so little of it, that it won’t affect
them until their testosterone level drops
as they get older, which is why we
actually find older guys to be nicer guys.
Some feel this is why young women and
old men bond so well. We may get
judgmental when we see a sixty-year-old
male with a thirty-year-old wife, even if
you don’t live in Hollywood, but this
loss of testosterone may explain it.
Conversely, as we women get older
our estrogen goes down and we begin
reacting to our levels of progesterone.
Guess what we end up doing? Being as
polygamous as young men. In fact, a
guy’s sexual performance level at
nineteen years old is compatible with a
woman in her later thirties to early
forties. Meanwhile, a guy’s sex drive in
his forties is compatible with a woman
in her early twenties. That’s why some
women feel “used” for sex by their
husbands when they’re in their twenties
and thirties and some husbands feel like
they’re being demanded to perform
sexually when their wife reaches her
forties.

Don's POV: Blame

Testosterone
Sometimes I try to find a great
guy movie I can watch with my
12-year-old son. It’s bonding
time! But with many movies
rated ‘R’, our selection quickly
becomes somewhat limited. Yet
I have to remind myself that this
isn’t a new problem in our
society. Sex appears more
prevalent now because of the
media explosion — music
videos, television series,
magazines, web porn, shock-
jocks, etc. — but it’s simply not
true. Sexual priority has always
been there, even when TV
showed Ozzie & Harriet or
Dick & Laura sleeping in
separate beds. The media just
magnifies and overemphasizes
sex today.
New archaeological evidence
shows that humans were just as
engaged in sexual activity in
history as they are now.
Substantial knowledge and
practice of sex dates back
300,000 years and included
various forms of:

Prostitution
Brothels
Pornography
Fetishes
Transvestitism
Sadomasochism
Autoerotic asphyxia22
During historical research in
Italy a couple years ago, we
visited Pompeii; a dream of
mine. Dramatically preserved
antiquities in a city devastated
by pyroclastic volcanic flows.
Yet, the only excavated building
with a very long line was…the
brothel. Like many cities,
phallic symbols in the
cobblestones pointed to this
main event – the house of sex.
With instructional “menus” still
preserved on the walls
depicting the selections of the
day, we can assume sexual
prevalence occurred long
before high-bandwidth media.
These sexual practices over
thousands of years don’t make
sex “dirty” (Woody Allen said
it’s dirty “only if it’s done
right”), but simply reveals that
genetic replication is what
human biology intends from
these acts, and it’s all inherited
in our genetic code. If you date
a guy thinking this is a new
problem, then you’ll miss
opportunities to utilize better
strategies for more effective
dating.
The priority for sex continues
to drive guys so powerfully that
we do stupid things. Want
proof? Watch the news tonight.
Will it be a politician, preacher,
or celebrity getting caught with
their pants down? And those are
just the ones that got in the
news! But this drive also causes
us to do good things. We’ll even
consider acting politically
correct and sensitive, like a
gentleman. Sometimes we’ll
even sign legal documents to
give you half our stuff, even
when statistically you will get
half our stuff!!!
Science doesn’t justify
testosterone-driven behavior,
but EXPLAINS it. No matter
how sensitive you think guys
are, our biology isn’t buying it.
We left that a long time ago,
after the androgen bath when
testosterone took control of our
body and we developed:

Facial hair
Acne
Voice cracking
 Broadening shoulders
Narrowing of hips
Leanness of muscles
Body odor
Sperm
Lots of sperm
Lots of sperm wanting
release
Lots of sperm wanting
release often
Did I mention lots of
sperm?

Yes, awkward. Guy humor tends to

make some of us angry, others
uncomfortable, and still others feeling
pity for them (even though I did chuckle
at the last one). But sadly, it’s not going
to change anytime soon. So now let’s
understand why.

Why He Won't Change

Anytime Soon
Nature doesn’t have a conscience. It’s
just a dance. A dance to see whose
genetic data wins. Because we were
born into this dance millions of years
after it started, we’re pretty well
designed to win. That’s why,
unfortunately, his behavior and sexual
fixation won’t change. It’s not a
culturally induced phenomenon from
poor upbringing (that would be easier to
fix). No. Evolution specifically designed
men to preoccupy themselves with sex.
This explains why men relentlessly
resist us as we try to change their sexual
priority regardless of the risks they will
undertake.
But why can’t women prevent a guy’s
selfish sexual priority from overtaking
his career, reputation and family
stability? Well, it’s embedded in his Y-
chromosome. Evolution made sure that
his selfish sexual obsession remains
unchangeable for one reason: Genetic
Success. You already noticed this. Ever
wonder why guys pursue inappropriate
sexual encounters with secretaries,
neighbors or somebody else’s wife when
many of these encounters result in career
suicide, financial losses or, tragically,
death? Chances are you’ve noticed this
on today’s news, or have a girlfriend
who personally encountered such
indiscretions.
Scientists think selfish genetic
strategies are the best for transferring
DNA information into the future for
ANY species. But we women don’t want
to be a victim to man’s creative seminal
energy. The opportunity is realizing
that the Darwinian Y–chromosome he
carries is the mutable, flexible
evolutionary link to God’s creativity.
It does not reside in Matter, Mater or
Mother. And even though we hate being
“Eve”, with the also-ran designation by
nature, we have more power in the
creation of a “gentleman.”
We must be cautious, however. If we
try to turn him into us, it results in
distress and cosmetic “boys” who can’t
(1) Control, (2) Conquer, or (3)
Compete. Nature maintains control by
continuing to punish “wannabe” men,
and the women who make them that way.
But if we take a different route, we can
achieve much more success. Instead of
trying to find or create that “girly-man”
(and I know we’ve been told that’s the
way they should be), why not accept
what Nature maintains anyway? I run
into a lot of women who don’t agree that
we can’t eliminate nature’s influences. If
that’s you, please keep reading. You
have nothing to lose, and a lifetime of
relationships to gain.
Before continuing, let’s reemphasize
our earlier points:

1. Those who didn’t seek sex as the

foundation of relationships are
now extinct. Awareness of this
helps you better date, mate and
love. Ignoring it doesn’t create a
better future.
2. Accepting his sexual drive
versus trying to change it doesn’t
mean that you need to have sex
with him, but ignoring this drive
doesn’t help either.
3. Primitive relationships were
easier, only requiring simple gear
 — an erection and a female. But
today the game has dramatically
changed. The bad news is…our
bodies haven’t. Every day our
ancient biological machines
wake up in modern society, their
designs for genetic conquest
causing endless conflicts
between men and women.
Ignoring this “old body in a new
world” condition continues to
ruin relationships until we find
out a way to harness it.
Life is a sexually transmitted disease
with a 100% mortality rate
(that can be produced by unskilled
labor).
Dating Success Tips:
Forgiving Him
You’ll soon learn how to get into a
relationship in the next section, but let’s
take a moment to prepare you ahead of
time for that journey. A couple of tips
may come in handy:

Why He Misinterprets Your

Sexual Advances
If sex is a common agenda, albeit
with different gender priorities, why do
we sometimes get turned off by how a
guy approaches us? Biochemistry helps
us understand. You see, sometimes a
guy’s sexual advances may be from a
misinterpretation resulting from
nervousness or unconscious instincts.
Knowing this helps us from
inappropriately dismissing a guy too
quickly; giving us a more powerful
choice in selecting or rejecting a man.
Theresa Crenshaw’s research
published in The Alchemy of Love and
Lust finds that the problem may be that
the typical man gets confused about what
WE want. That’s because nature
designed us with more than one degree
of lust.23 Knowing which hormones
drive our lust explains why we react the
way we do to a guy’s approach. Some
signals are obvious. If he pats us on the
butt and we slap him, then that’s
probably a no. But if we respond instead
by grabbing him in an unmentionable
area, that’s probably a yes.
However, more complex situations
need to be assessed here:

— RULE OF DATING —

Guys always get mixed signals

about a woman’s intentions.
Female lust styles can be
general or genital, involve
orgasm, penetration,
masturbation or touch, and
range from intimacy to don’t-
even-want-to-know-your-
 name sex.

Is it any wonder that guys get

confused when trying to mate with us?
Lots of conflict and missed opportunities
can be avoided if a guy could identify
our degree of lust. They think we women
only have one degree of lust, but in
reality, we have four. Recognizing which
one we’re in gives us an opportunity to
clarify it for him. Why? Because he’s not
that smart, he’s going to be clueless.
Here are our lust states:24

Active (aggressive):
This is where OUR progesterone
drives us — we pursue him! Guys love
this one. In fact, just like guys, women in
this state masturbate more frequently,
even if a sexual partner is readily
available. This is when we are most like
a guy, but that’s as far as the similarity
goes…and why most guys get so
confused with this type of woman.

Receptive (Passive):
This is where our estrogen drives us.
We enjoy and welcome sex as he
pursues us; and we are very receptive to
his approach and easy to arouse.
Surprisingly, orgasm is incidental to us
in this style. Guys also like this state.

Proceptive (seductive):
This is where we become the “sex
kitten,” the seducer. Estrogen, Oxytocin,
Progesterone and a sprinkle of LHRH
(you’ll learn about these later) create a
powerful bio-chemical brew inside us
that produces an intense lordosis
response — the arching of the back and
thrusting of the buttocks outwards. Also,
Oxytocin levels ensure our skin
sensitivity is high with a special
intensity in the genital and breast area.
Yes, as you probably already guessed,
guys really like this one too.

Aversive (no lust):

When we lack lust, Vasopressin is
driving the agenda, along with a little
Prolactin, Serotonin and Progesterone in
the hormonal soup; not a nice
combination for a guy to be around. Our
nervous system inhibits arousal,
particularly in the genital area, and short
circuits uterine contractions thereby
blunting any orgasmic response in us. As
you probably guessed by now, guys
don’t like this one.
So, we are complicated and require a
lot of observation and maintenance,
Guys? Well, they’re a bit simpler when
it comes to lust. Men have only one
degree:

Active (aggressive):
Guys pursue sex, with or without a
woman.
It doesn’t matter.
The key tip for us to remember here is
that when a guy misinterprets our mode
of operation, it can make him appear
sexually aggressive. This doesn’t mean
some guys aren’t aggressive naturally,
some are and this section won’t help
them, but many times a guy’s sexual
aggression stems from misinterpreting
our advances. This is scientifically
accurate. A couple of research studies
published in the Journal of Personality
and Social Psychology by Dr. Martie G.
Haselton and Dr. David M. Buss show
that a guy thinks we are being sexy,
seductive and coming on to him about
TWICE as many times as we actually
are.25 So be careful. Ironically, the same
research shows that he’s less bothered if
we are sexually aggressive towards him!
 — RULE OF DATING —

The female sex drive hasn’t

changed for thousands of
years. Only the freedom to
speak and media-hype has
increased. Erroneously, so has
a guy’s expectations.

So guys assume we want the same

behavior that they want! Contrary to
what they feel, however, we find sexual
aggression highly uncomfortable and
psychologically painful. This behavioral
difference between a man and a woman
is also an evolutionary design. For
millions of years, it’s been more costly
for a guy to miss a reproductive
opportunity than to look like a jerk, so he
takes a shot even if it makes him appear
too aggressive. We women, on the other
hand, suffer more consequences from
abandonment with a child, so nature
gave skeptical women a better genetic
survival rate. This pattern explains the
confusion we’ve been experiencing in an
era where the feminist movement frees
us up to talk about our sexuality and
behave more similarly to men. The
problem increases as the media
produces a proliferation of magazines,
books and movies on the hyper-sexed
female. Unfortunately, high-sexual
assertiveness represents less than one
percent of all women. Still, sex remains
the best way to attract a guy, whether you
intend to have sex with him or not.

Forgive Stupidity
Just like lower primates, our female
DNA makes us feel the need to seek out
a high-testosterone male, the alpha male,
the dominant leader, the muscle-bound
brute who could protect us and the kids
while killing big food; a necessary
condition for us to replicate our genes
successfully. Why do you think in some
countries powerful men produce
thousands of illegitimate children? This
is not a good thing, but the problem is
more than being seduced into having
illegitimate children. High-testosterone
guys can be a bit self-centered at best
and violent at worst. Today, modern
civilization categorizes this brute today
as a temperamental monster with high-
blood pressure, explosive tantrums,
wandering eyes, no hair, no commitment,
and an invitation to appear on the Jerry
Springer Show.
Guys, however, unconsciously and
instinctively know we are genetically
programmed to seek high-testosterone
males. This explains why testosterone
makes them do stupid things to impress
us. Ever notice how a guy will
embarrass himself by committing a risky
or extreme or inappropriate act to
impress a girl? So, be aware that a lot if
this is because they want you to notice,
and if you get a chance, try to stop them
from killing themselves.

Give Him Space: Distance

Yourself When Appropriate
Paradoxically, testosterone wants to
mate, and also be alone. We have a hard
time with this one because we’re
biologically designed to be group-
oriented, a necessary trait for the tribal
community and social development of
children. Guys, on the other hand, had to
hunt and fight the bad guys, so they
needed quiet and isolation to maneuver
and be stealthy. Combine these factors in
a relationship and it’s a train wreck
waiting to happen:

Women want inclusion, guys want to

be alone.
Women want connectedness, guys
want to be alone.
Women want attachment, guys want
to be alone. 21
This explains the conflict we have
when we want to satisfy him by being
close to him, but he wants to be alone!
His biological design for space, privacy
and autonomy is why guys become
irritable. A local talk show phoned a
bunch of guys on Father’s Day to see
what they wanted as a gift. Their
response validated the genetic situation
we’re discussing. The main responses
were classic:

“To have her be quiet.”

“To have her just leave me alone for
the day!”
Does this mean guys do not want to
be around us? Of course not! But
testosterone is raw, nasty and as
“politically incorrect” as you can get. It
does want us around, but just long
enough for — you guessed it — sex.
Higher order brain functions mask this
hormonal desire under the guise of
“romance.”
 — RULE OF DATING —

Women feel that guys evade

them. Guys feel that women
invade them.
--- SECTION II:
Getting A Date ---
CHAPTER 3: Dating
Phase I - Detection

“OK. So women created

man to be different and now
sex is the major driver.
Great. But, Julie, how do I
use this to date differently?”
“Well, there are three
phases.”
“Phases? What about
romance? Or love?” Sally
protested.
“Well, do you want more
platitudes, or do you want to
know what works?”
“OK,” Sally winced.
“Look, there’s stuff
you’ve got to know. It seems
unromantic, but that will
come later. Do you want to
find a better way to get a guy
or not?”
“Of course.”
“Then listen,” Julie
whispered. “The secret
phases are detection, then
enchantment, then
captivation.”
 “What a minute. Slow
down. What are you talking
about?”
“Let’s start with the first
phase, detection; getting a
guy to notice you. You could
be at a party or at work. If
you don’t get noticed, you
don’t get dates.”
“How do I do that?”
“Trigger his sexual focus
so you DO get noticed.”
“What? You want me to
walk in naked?”
Julie laughed. “Not
exactly. It’s simpler. Getting
noticed means just triggering
his DNA program for the
 unfamiliar.”
“The unfamiliar?”
“Yes. You show up on his
radar more if you’re an
unfamiliar female.”
“Does this mean I have to
hang out with strangers?”
“Sometimes, or you could
change you.”

Dr. Pat's "Truth": How to

Get Him to Notice You
Julie is correct. Manipulating guys to
notice you is not culturally unique.
Multiple scientific studies find similar
“attraction” methods between gender-
based species everywhere, using same
patterns in all countries. Not
surprisingly, those same studies also find
that we women are using these
techniques already, just unconsciously.
What I want to do with you here is make
them conscious so you can better attract
a guy (detection), then get him to want
you (enchantment) and then capture him
into a relationship (captivation).
As a psychotherapist, women come
into my office trying to “fix” him, and
make him more like them. But the truth is
that until they accept how a guy is
biologically, they aren’t going to “fix”
anything. If you want to catch a man,
accepting him at this mammalian level
will give you more ways to get him
interested in you. Later when he gets
serious about love, he’ll be interested in
your virtue, intelligence and how much
you love yourself. But if you’ re just
starting to date him that isn’t going to
happen yet!
Today you are just trying to get a date
or keep the one you got so that later you
can start, hopefully, a longer-term
relationship. Until then, sexual attraction
is the initial game. Use it. You don’t
have to have sex, but use the influence.
Your hit rate increases significantly with
even the most respecting, God-fearing
man if you use sexual attraction as part
of your strategy to captivate him.
Remember, you don’t have to have sex
with him, but you want to use this trigger
to attract and capture him.
 With a guy checking out dozens of
women a day, it seems a little difficult to
show up as the “one.” So how do we
increase the odds of him noticing us?
Fortunately researchers such as David
Barash and Judith Eve Lipton, authors of
“The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity and
Infidelity in Animals and People”, found
a solution. They discovered something
interesting in our mammal cousins that
also applies to humans. Males in species
such as the Japanese macaques, Red
Howler monkeys, and humans, notice
and respond best to females with whom
they are NOT acquainted with or
familiar.27
Don's POV: Why Guys Want
Strangers
Dr. Pat’s right. Unconsciously
at the cellular level, we are
selfish. Our biology’s interest
for maximizing sperm
distribution increases the
probability of our genetic
information surviving into the
future. That’s the gene’s only
interest. Not survival of the
species, but survival of the
“information” in the species.
That information is DNA. So,
nature makes sure that:
Guys are always on alert
for newly targeted eggs –
strangers in the mist.
But you’re probably
wondering why don’t we get as
excited with familiar females.
Some scientists think male
avoidance of familiar females
may be a necessary genetic
program to avoid inbreeding, a
bad thing genetically and the
reason that brothers and sisters
don’t generally mate or marry.
Nature finds inbreeding
distasteful because mating with
someone too similar to your
genetic code creates offspring
with pathological problems.
 But does inbreeding
resistance really make you less
attractive to us if we’re already
with you? As a guy, I’d have to
agree. I always seemed to
respond that way when I was
dating, but that’s just my
observation. What does the
research say? Studies suggest
that evolution made inbreeding
avoidance so effective that in
her study of 35 gorilla bands
over a period of 18 years,
anthropologist Diane Fossey
found only one occasion where
a silverback mated with his
daughter, and the infant was
immediately killed by family
members.28
But what about humans? More
research exists here as well.
For example, several studies of
Israeli kibbutzims provide the
most remarkable test of our
natural tendencies to avoid
inbreeding. Raised communally
with common living, sleeping
and bathing quarters, kibbutzim
children play at sex with games
of kissing, hugging and even
touching one another’s
genitals.29 But researchers
noticed by the age of one year,
these children became shy and
tense with the opposite sex, and
by age 15 they bonded simply as
brothers and sisters. Even
though they were free to
copulate and marry, they almost
never did within their peer
group.
Another study by Joseph
Shepher of kibbutzim marriages
– 2,769 of them – found only
thirteen that occurred between
peers, but in each of them one
mate had entered the communal
group after the age of six! All of
whom were raised since birth
had no marriages and no sexual
activity within the group.
Further investigations by
Melford Spiro found that no one
even engaged in sexual
intercourse with another
member from the same group.
(Quite a lot of restraint for
several thousand teenagers with
ample opportunity for sex!)
Other communities show the
same need for unfamiliar mates.
Research by Arthur Wolf,
Stanford University
anthropologist, chronicled in
Current Anthropology reveals
that in Taiwan “minor”
marriages – arranged marriages
among siblings of which one
sibling was adopted – partners
reported few erotic feelings for
each other and produced 30-
40% fewer offspring.30 Clearly
there is a critical period in
childhood where individuals
lose forever all sexual desire
for those they see regularly.31
Biologically, rarely do
“childhood sweethearts” occur.
After talking to a number of
women as we developed this
book, however, I found that you
know this to be true anyway.
Somehow you subconsciously
know that the best time to get
noticed by a man is when you
first appear as a stranger, or
when you’ve been away and
then come back with a new
look. Could this have created
the “makeover” industry? Not
sure, but how many romance
dramas depict a guy’s fantasy
for that dark, mysterious woman
who walks into his life? You
know the scene – late night,
smoky and dark office: A lonely
private detective gets a knock
on the door and finds a sexy,
knockout “broad” desperately
needing his help. He knows he
can save her, but he doesn’t
show how much he wants her. Is
she secretly using him? Guys
love this stuff!
Finally, this attraction for
strangers also drives you! Ever
notice your higher arousal when
you meet a guy who’s new to the
 group? Or what about the
common female fantasy for the
“tall, dark stranger,” the
“drifter,” the “new guy on the
block?” Your biology makes
this sexual attraction necessary
so that you have ample
opportunity to integrate your egg
with DNA that’s new and
different from your familiar
group. A politically incorrect
thing to say, but it is
scientifically accurate.
Now let’s get back to Dr. Pat .
..

Applying all this cold, genetic

mammalian research to improving our
relationships can feel depressing. I’ve
had clients ask, “How can the deep
romance, companionship and intimate
cherishing I’m seeking be reduced to
such a coarse, earthy sexual state?” I
know it’s tough to accept how
mammalian mating instincts most
effectively help us get the guy we want,
but please remember that we aren’t
proposing a philosophical argument
here. We’re just presenting scientific
data. Avoiding this information could be
what’s been missing in your dating
experience. Ladies, our biology is more
than adequately designed to use sex in
order to get a male. So ignore political
correctness, women’s liberation and all
the modern cultural norms we’ve
learned. Instead, let’s step back a
million years and use what God gave us
— a female body more than capably
equipped to find and attract a man. It
may at first appear offensive, but
accepting opens new and exciting ways
to approach chronic dating problems and
maybe even lead a guy into a successful,
monogamous relationship. The good
news is if you still feel resistant, that’s
natural. Just suspend your judgments
long enough to let yourself be open to
different information. Believe me, the
thousands of women I’ve worked with
over decades discovered more ways to
attract guys, and find a satisfying
relationship. You will too!
 Please note: Anything about this you
find repulsive may have more to do with
your culturally induced experiences,
not your biology. Your biology doesn’t
care about cultural norms and neither
does his. So if you want to spark his
interest, remember biology is the only
thing he’s listening to.

— RULE OF DATING —

Accepting his sexual focus

versus trying to change or
ignore it offers more effective
ways to find and keep him in a
committed relationship.
Dating Success Tips: How To
Appear Unfamiliar

Become a Stranger
Showing up in his environment as
“new” or “different” is our best move
for getting his attention. A man’s primal
need for the unfamiliar female gives us
quite an advantage when dating. Even if
we feel that we’re not as unattractive as
other women are, we have a better shot
at getting noticed if we’re “new” to the
group. So the first thing to do is check
out the group or social circle you are in
now. How long have you been there?
Are you already too familiar to the guys
there? If you’re no longer seen as new or
different, take some action to change
that. Ideas include:

1. Find a new job or position.

2. Make an effort to find new friends
at work or school who are apart
from the typical group you hang
with.
3. Relocate to a new residence.
4. Show up at different pubs or
restaurants on the other side of
town.
5. Seek new social groups.
6. Try different hobbies, arts, spiritual
pursuits, community associations,
charities, etc.
7. Take weekend trips to other cities
 to hang out.

Leave and Come Back

I’ve found success with many clients
who used this “unfamiliar female”
strategy within their current social
groups. Essentially chose to either:

1. Take a break from the current group

for a few months and then return.
2. Consider a makeover.
Either way, the trigger effect on his
nature occurs.
Once you find being a stranger to the
group places you as the fresh female on
his radar, you’re now in a position to get
him to want you. And if you think getting
his attention using biology is
manipulative, wait until you see how we
get him to want you. That requires
another set of genetic triggers.
CHAPTER 4: Dating
Phase II -
Enchantment

Julie and Sally met two

weeks later at their favorite
bistro. After ordering some
drinks, Sally opened the
conversation:
 “I tried a couple of your
ideas this week.”
“Great! What happened?”
“Well, you know that
professional networking
group you wanted me to
check out?” Sally took a sip
of her glass of wine. “I did.
And then I went to a baseball
game.”
“You hate baseball!”
“I know. I know. But
someone at the office invited
me to meet her husband and
his friends at a game. A lot of
them were single, so I went.”
“What happened?”
“I noticed looks. Different
than when I’m with regular
friends. It was kind of fun.”
“Well you don’t have to
abandon your friends.”
“I know. But I’m seeing
my hairdresser next week for
a change there too. And I
want you to introduce me to
that fashion consultant
you’ve been using.”
“Sure. OK. This sounds
like progress.”
“But I’m anxious to know
about the next Phase. What
do I do after I get detected?”
“Well, you have to get him
to want you.”
“Sounds good. And
how?”
“Enchant him!”
Sally laughed. “How? Do
I sprinkle fairy dust or
something?”
“No, but if you have
some, use it,” Julie smiled.
She removed the olive from
her drink and deposited it on
her plate. “What I mean is
you have to stimulate his sex
organ!”
Sally put her fingers over
her eyes then glanced
between them to see if
anyone was paying attention.
“Be serious.”
“Calm down. It’s not what
you think,” Julie looked
vaguely mischievous.
“Well, what ‘organ’ are
you talking about?”
“I’ll give you a hint. It
starts with the letter ‘P’, is
surrounded by hair and
dilates to several times its
normal size when properly
stimulated,” Julie smirked.
“That’s what I thought you
meant.” She pointed to her
lap.
“No. You have a dirty
mind, and will forever be
disappointed!”
“Huh?”
“It’s his pupil, of course!”
 Sally shook her head,
“OK, you got me. So how do
I stimulate that?”

Dr. Pat's "Truth": How To

Get Him To Want You

Stimulate His Sex Organ

(It's not what you think)
A guy’s sex organ is not in his pants.
It’s in his eyes. You see, a man’s visual
system ceaselessly searches for and
automatically detects female shapes
anywhere. His brain’s design makes it
so. When it detects a female shape, a
concoction of neuropeptides and other
biochemicals surge into his bloodstream
thereby initiating a rapid sexual
response in his body. Nature
programmed this optical/sexual system
so effectively that we don’t even have to
say anything — female nudity alone
drives his erections whether they are
real, pictured or imagined!
Nature made his visual system THE
main trigger for sexual stimulation,
superior even to ours in its capacity for
sexual arousal. His optical gear is
programmed to pick a female out of a
crowd anywhere, whether he wants to or
not. Talk about radar! Among studies on
his optical sex system, research from
David Buss, author of The Dangerous
Passion, and B.J. Ellis and D. Symons,
as published in the Journal of Sex
Research, validates male optical versus
emotional sexual stimulation:

If you need more evidence,

investigate the article “Influence of
Popular Erotica on Judgments of
Strangers and Mates” published in the
Journal of Experimental Social
Psychology. Psychologists Douglas
Kenrick, Sara Gutierres and Laurie
Goldberg found that guys had less
“love” for their mate when shown
Playboy pictures. Playgirl pictures,
however, did not have that effect on
women.34
This visual sex organ explains why
pornographic images have such an effect
on men. It also explains why he never
cares about what career we have, what
our interests are, whether we’re self-
assured, where we’re from, who we
know or what our values are. All he
cares about is how we look! And, yes,
we already know how he wants us to
look – naked. It’s all in his biology and
there’s nothing we can do to change it.
So Where Is Our Sex
Organ?
As women, our ears, not our eyes,
contain our secret for sexual arousal.
Think about it. What happens when he
gently leans over, slowly moves his lips
across your cheek, then to your ear and
whispers his most intimate feelings for
you, how he has so longed to touch you,
and so desperately wants you in his life?
Your eyes close in ecstasy. You see, for
us, the emotional dimension of the
relationship stimulates us…and verbal
expression of it, not a photo, works best.
We see this often in our sexual media.
Men seek strip joints or pornography,
while we women stack up on romance
novels, women’s porn. This explains
why sales of pornographic pictures and
films to women are just as low as the
sales of romance novels to men. And
don’t deny it. “50 Shades” didn’t
become a bestseller from guys buying it!
Once, a client asked me, “But what
about all those nude male calendars that
get sold, don’t women get aroused by
those visuals?” Good question. But
research shows that we don’t. These
types of calendars are bought by:

Female teenagers who just want a

picture of their favorite star
Older women who bought it as a
joke for a friend
Gay males.
 So, if a guy wants to get us excited, he
doesn’t show us a naked picture (most of
us would start laughing). Instead, he
starts to talk to us about things like
commitment, time with us, intimacy and
nonsexual touching. But a naked picture
of us — or almost any other semi-
attractive woman — is all HE needs to
get excited.

Don's POV: The Eyes Have

It
How many times do we hear
guys complaining about how
long it takes a woman to get
ready to go out? Pointless to
argue. It’s instinctive. Contrary
to what the experts say, when a
guy meets you, his visual
stimulation of you surpasses any
interest in your conversation.
Your self-assurance doesn’t
draw his interest, your self-
portrayal does — how you
look! You know this. Those
hours getting your hair, makeup,
and dress “ready” are for visual
effect. Your date may be
interested in your deeper values
later, when marriage enters the
picture, but his initial response
is visual (you’re not expecting a
marriage proposal yet – the
design of that journey is a whole
other book). Right now the game
is about dating, attracting and
getting a guy to want you. The
best way to get him to want you
is activate his sex organ!
Even though the evidence is
clear, accepting men’s visual
stimulation becomes the
toughest part for some women to
accept. Look at the anger in the
media every day. For example,
remember the Miller Lite’s
“Catfight” commercial with
wrestling females. Major upset
with women! USA Today quoted
one woman as saying, “Every
time I see it I cringe. It’s
explicit. It’s degrading. It has no
real message, except all men are
idiots and all they think about
are girls mud wrestling.”35 But
it sold well with guys. Women
got angry, guys loved it. That’s a
clue.
Another example was a few
years back when a female
newscaster interviewed a
female star of a movie about
strippers. She asked the actress
whether she felt stripping
supported perversion or
provided a safe haven for its
expression and appreciation.
The problem was that these two
women were pondering a
question without the required
optical/brain sex capacity to
understand, let alone answer it.
Remember that men will always
be stimulated by visuals of nude
females regardless of
perversions, whether it’s on the
street or in a safe haven, and
precisely because nature made
sure that they would! Evolution
designed men this way so they’d
mate efficiently.
If you still don’t believe any
of this, look around you. If a
naked girl walks past a bunch of
guys, they will all get sexually
aroused. But if a naked guy
walks past a bunch of girls, they
start laughing. When a woman
puts on a little weight and feels
her guy might be losing interest,
or may even be cheating on her,
the experts say to dump him.
What? Who wrote this? Have
they read any scientific journals
over the past 50 years? They
NEVER say to use the genetic
agenda. They never mention that
while you want to “hear” nice
things from him, he just might
want to “see” nice things from
you. Many women lose weight
when dating, but gain it after
marriage. They call it their
“marriage weight”; only seeking
it again when divorced. But
there’s a reason women do this
instinctively. One popular
female website says: “Don’t
ask him if you are gaining
weight. Avoid self-put-downs
like, ‘I’m getting fat.’ Feeling
confident about yourself makes
you sexy.” But think about that
advice for a moment. Wouldn’t
it be easier to keep him by
losing weight BEFORE he
leaves? This is a tough topic to
swallow. But timely. Obesity in
the U.S. and other countries has
reached epidemic levels.

Regardless, all women can

improve visual stimulation.
 Don’s POV may sound raw, but
clearly visual stimulation is unique to
guys, and can be so intense that it even
permeates his spiritual enlightenment.
Buddha said: The pleasure and joy that
arise in dependence on the eye: this is
the gratification in the eye. That the
eye is impermanent, suffering and
subject to change: this is the danger in
the eye. The removal and abandonment
of desire and lust from the eye: this is
the escape from the eye.36
His visual trigger for nudity is a tough
concept for us to accept. Many books
dance around this issue or avoid it all
together. But genetic programming
doesn’t go away because it’s ignored, try
as we must. An article titled “But Do
Girls Want To Be Fancied By Men
Behaving Badly?”37 was written by a
woman who referenced a Playboy study
of the top 100 sexiest stars. She
concluded that guys, being so
predictable, only go after big-breasted
blondes with shapely figures. She ended
the article with, “I don’t think we want
men like that to find us sexy, thanks all
the same.” The only problem is her
dating life must be miserable. I know.
My office is full of women like that.
The good news comes from clients
who follow the advice we’re giving you
here. Even if you’re an average woman
who is not drop-dead gorgeous, or
candidate for trophy wife, this research
works dramatically when applied. Think
about those “makeover” shows where
they take a plain-looking girl into the
back room and she comes out looking
gorgeous. Maybe not movie star sexy,
but certainly appealing enough to turn a
man’s head. That’s all you need to do,
ladies. Work it.

Dating Success Tips: How To

Enchant Him
At this point, he’s not interested in
our job, family, background, friends,
hobbies, or values. He just cares about
how we look. Don’t get angry that men
initially think of us as “sex objects”,
we’ll have time for deeper parts of the
relationship later, once we’ve captured
them. For now, just play nature’s game,
and get him attracted to you; to WANT
you!
Some of us may feel that acting like a
woman is something to be ashamed of in
a culture of feminism. But unless he’s
gay, he wants to sleep with a female. So
be one. Let your estrogen roll!
Many women protest this approach.
You notice this every time we’re caught
chastising each other:
“Is that all he wants, your body? “
“If he’s that shallow, he’s not
worth it.”
“Look at how she dresses!”
“Who does she think she is?”
 “He won’t respect you!”
“What a pig!”
Modern cultural taboos prevent us
from using this genetic trigger and so that
we totally miss the fact that if we don’t
stimulate his eyes properly, we miss a
major opportunity to enchant him. But is
all this really that distasteful? We’ve
always known that we attract guys with
visually sexy appearances. Why do you
think we:

Wear girdles for a more ideal hip

to waist ratio
Wear shoulder pads to mimic
good physical conditioning
Wear tight, revealing, sexy
 clothing
And we don’t stop there. We’ll
even commit more extreme
physical manipulation to
optically attract a male such as:
Injecting stuff around our eyes,
lips and cheeks
Surgically removing fat and ribs
from our body
Tattooing and putting holes in
various body parts
These insights may not be very
pleasant to bring up, but our biology
doesn’t give apologies. Like it or not,
this is how we’re designed. Fortunately,
we don’t have to look like a freaking
model or the hottest girl on the block to
cue a man’s visual interest. It just means
that a few simple changes could enhance
our scoring rate dramatically. Let’s look
at some tips on how to stimulate a man’s
main sex organ. Chances are you’re
already using these techniques, but NOW
you’ll understand the science behind
why they work!

Eyes: Paint them.

Why have we been painting our eyes
for thousands of years? It takes lot of
time. Some of us could get out the door
earlier! But perhaps it’s not a waste.
Science shows that human visual
systems differ even from other primates.
How? We have more of the white part of
our eyes showing! Even more showing
than a guy’s eyes! This occurs because
humans use the eyes for communication
more than our other primate cousins do.
By lining our eyes and/or adding color
to our lids, we enhance our main
communication tool. So keep doing this.
If you haven’t yet, get started.

Lips: Make them red

You already know that lipstick makes
your lips appear redder. But why is this
important? Here we go with more
political-incorrectness, but could it be to
stimulate male arousal? For millions of
years male mammals were stimulated by
the swollen lips of a female’s vulva —
easily recognized when the female
moves around on all fours. The problem
is our species learned to stand upright,
and that attraction signal became hidden.
So scientists think women unconsciously
make their facial lips red in color in
order to simulate the same effect for
human males. Think about it. Why else
would we unconsciously want to paint
our lips? It makes no sense. And why
would a man unconsciously get aroused
by that? If you doubt this, just ask any
primate researcher about our closest
genetic relative, the chimpanzee. The
female chimp does in fact attract males
by advertising her pink genital swelling
when she wants to mate.
Clothing: Stress the female
shape.
Use your clothing to accentuate the
female shape in those areas that men are
programmed to respond to. Stress the
good parts and hide the not so good
parts. Remember his brain is designed
for female shape detection. Work this to
your advantage!

High heels: Use ’em.

Though they’re hell on your feet, they
do promote a lordosis stance. This
unconsciously drives him crazy.
Breasts: Expose them.
Legally, that is. Expose skin, show
cleavage, protrude nipples or just push
them up. It all works. Even if you don’t
think you have breasts, use the
augmented bras now available. They’ll
promote the same response.
We don’t know why breasts so
effectively capture a guy’s attention, but
some scientists theorize that a fixation to
a biochemical called Oxytocin is
responsible. Others think the human
female breast is a unique physical
trigger because it is actually a
replacement for the buttocks signal,
another sexual signal lost when we
started walking. According to
ethnologist Desmond Morris, standing
upright eliminated the sexual signal of
the rump that primates normally use, so
larger breasts evolved to simulate puffy
buttocks in order to attract males. This
latter idea could have some merit
because women now use silicon to make
their breasts look larger (or saline or
whatever they’re implanting in them
these days).
But does playing up breasts work?
Researchers say “yes.” Having breasts
has been so effective for our species that
today human females have evolved
breasts that are:

Larger than any other species

 Visible even when the female is
NOT lactating to feed a baby!

Exercise and Diet: You

know this.
If you’re already doing it, keep it up. If
not, what are you waiting for?

I know that all these techniques to

enchant a guy sound manipulative. That’s
because, well, they are. This explains
why many female animals display their
physical body to attract males, and why
human females have never been immune
from this influence. Our female
ancestors have been altering body parts
to attract males for thousands of years.
Even in the 19th century, women used
belladonna in their eyes so they would
dilate to indicate sexual interest.38 So,
matter how “sophisticated” we think we
are, our biology is driving us to look
sexy anyway.
Curiously, this instinct accelerates
when we are ovulating. Our body
actually increases its levels of Estradial
at mid-cycle when we are most fertile.
What is Estradial? A female hormone
that causes us to feel sexy and has been
found to correlate with how we dress.
This is why when we are at peak fertility
we wear more jewelry, make-up, tighter
clothing and less of it. Subconsciously,
our bodies know we are ready to mate
and that influences us to dress for
optimal male visual stimulation.39
Isn’t evolution wonderful?
CHAPTER 5: Dating
Phase III - Captivation

Julie and Sally ran into

each other the following
week at the gym. Sally was
wearing some new warm up
clothes.
“Hey. I went to that office
party.”
“But you hate dressing up
and wearing make-up and
were thinking of not going.
Did you wear something
sexy?”
“Yeah, but I felt kind of
like I was faking it.”
“What made you do it?”
“I wanted to test what you
told me. It was worth a try.
“And…”
“Well, afterwards a few
of us went to a couple pubs
and wow! The looks I got!
Not only was I noticed, but it
definitely felt like I was
wanted! Way more guys than
normal came over to talk.”
“So it’s working.”
 “Yeah, but, Julie, I didn’t
know what to do other than
my normal social routine.
What’s that last Phase?
Captivation?”
“That’s it. The last step.
Getting him to ask you out.”
“But aren’t women
supposed to wait for men to
ask?”
“Evolution gave us ways
to draw him in. If our female
ancestors waited, we’d be
extinct!” Julie laughed.
“So what do I do
instead?”
“Pull him in. Show him
you are interested. Guys are
 a little dense. They don’t get
subtle messages very well.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“And some might even be
gun-shy. So you’ve got to be
clear and direct when you
communicate.”
“So how does this part
work?”
“This time there are 5
steps,” Julie said.
Sally pulled a piece of
paper and pen from her
pocketbook.

Dr. Pat's "Truth": How To

Get Him to Ask You Out
 Now that he’s detected you and he
wants you, this final Phase is critical if
you want a date. The problem is it’s not
as simple as him just walking over.
Some guys are petrified. Or unsure of
whether they’re reading you right.
Now’s when you fix the confusion, but
don’t ruin it . . .

The Best Way to RUIN

Getting a Date
Hidden messages don’t work for
guys. Captivation requires clear, direct
communication. This is YOUR power.
Contrary to other advice you may have
received, women always had power to
attract and capture a man. No need to
wait. It’s called flirting; a lost art for
some.
But today’s woman feels afraid to
“present” herself by flirting. Some say
cultural inappropriateness is to blame,
but our research finds a simpler answer
- women being afraid to say “no” to
casual sex. Therapeutically we say that
she would rather be “conquered” (a
version of psychological rape in order to
avoid responsibility for the sex). But our
lack of skill at being self-centered
enough to say “no” enables us to
“capitulate” and then later blame him for
our failure to negotiate equitably and
make it safe to approach us.
Would you rather capitulate and be
conquered, or be confident enough to
negotiate a safe approach for him? If we
fear “flirting” in order to let him know
he can come closer, we lose the
opportunity to create a dating
relationship. Shocking as it sounds, this
advice works. I see hundreds of women
every month effectively kick in this
mammalian program and successfully
captivate a guy. You will too!

Don's POV: Why Guys Are

Morons or Scared.
Talk about “lost in
translation!” Dr. Pat identifies
here a main factor we guys
struggle with every day with
women – indirect
communication. This distinctly
female form of discourse has
sabotaged more than one
relationship. We guys hear it
like:
“How come you didn’t notice
I wanted to leave the party?
Didn’t I comment on the
draperies?”
“Of course I wanted you to
get the groceries. Didn’t I say
the milk was expired?”
“What do you mean you
didn’t know I wanted you to
mow the lawn? Didn’t I ask you
if you were playing golf today?”
 So even though some books
say you shouldn’t chase us, the
authors clearly can’t support
their research with any primate
studies about how female
primates “chase” guys. Females
are designed to show guys that
they are available AND
interested. The problem with
some expert opinions in
male/female communication and
relationships is they’ve done no
science to back up their
opinions. But our hesitancy to
approach you should be no
surprise. Just look at the world
we live in:42
If a guy mentions how nice
you look, it's sexual
harassment…but if he keeps
quiet, it's male indifference.
If he appreciates the female
form and frilly underwear, he’s
a pervert…if he doesn’t he’s
gay.
If he buys you flowers, he’s
after something…if he doesn’t
he’s not thoughtful.
If he’s proud of his
achievements, he’s full of
himself…if he isn’t he’s not
ambitious.
If he tries to keep himself in
shape, he’s vain…if he doesn’t
he’s a slob.
 If he puts a woman on a
pedestal and tries to protect her
from the rat race, he’s a male
chauvinist…if he stays at home
and does the housework, he’s a
pansy.
If you have a boring repetitive
job with low pay, it’s called
exploitation…if he has a boring
repetitive job with low pay, he
should get off his ass and find
something better.
If he lets himself be
vulnerable, he’s a wimp…if he
doesn’t he’s an insensitive
bastard.
If he pursues you too much
you feel like he’s stalking…if he
doesn’t he’s indifferent.
You can imagine why we feel
like idiots! We suffer as our 20
million-year-old bodies short-
circuit trying to figure out how
to fit in to this bizarre new
world. Most guys feel
awkward, anxious and
downright frightened when they
have to approach you.
Remember that ex-Navy Seal,
award-winning body-builder
who dwindled into a shriveling
mess when he had to approach a
girl.
So, take it from a guy. Don’t
ignore the facts. We need help.
Flirt!
Dating Success Tips: How to
Turn Flirting Into Success
And flirt you shall. The following are
the major 5 flirting steps, designed by
NATURE, not pop-theory, to help you
capture the guy you just enchanted.

Step 1: Show Interest

Embedded in your DNA over the past
20 million years is a process designed to
lead a male into your territory.
Essentially, he solicits attention and you
respond to it. It’s just that simple. Your
body knows how to do this naturally and
scientists have found that a guy will
solicit or initiate getting your attention
by:

Standing taller
Pushing his chest out
Exaggerating his movements. For
example, research shows he will
stir his drink with his whole arm
not just his wrist like he usually
does. Or he’ll use his whole
body to light up a cigarette with
elaborate shaking of his arm from
the elbow to extinguish a match.
He may even swagger like
gorillas and other primates do.
Patting his hair, adjusting his
clothes, tugging his chin, in
 addition to other grooming
techniques, to diffuse nervous
energy.40
When he does that, he’s sending the
message of “I am here. I am available.”
This is where YOU come in. Instead of
waiting, you must respond (verbally or
physically) in a genetically predictable
way. This means you’ve got to do some
extra work here. All body visuals speak
more to his brain’s limbic right lobe (his
feminine side) than his neocortical left
lobe (masculine, mano-a-mano, talking,
teaching, arguing side). Problems occur
when we fear appearing vulnerable and
use the neocortical, talking-mode to
control, compete and conquer him.
These women then get mad or sad when
he either:

Goes away
Respects her, but fails to cherish
her.
Remember, tearing the wings off
butterflies to see how they fly results in
no butterfly or flying. Women who know
how sensitive men are do not drive them
away by negating male energy. He only
feels cherished and safe when he is
respected. If you want him into you,
make him feel that way.
Use common mammalian mating
behavior to let him know you are
interested. Whether in an Amazonian
jungle, a salon in Paris, the highlands of
New Guinea, the African bush, an
airport in Japan or a pub in Manhattan,
these female responses have been
recorded by many notable scientists such
as Goodall, Givens, Van Hoof and even
Darwin. For example, the German
ethologist Irenäus Eibl-Eibesfeldt of the
Max Planck Institute for Behavioral
Physiology41 secretly photographed
female responses to male solicitations
around the world and found that men
can’t resist certain responses. Using
these techniques consciously once
you’ve attracted a man’s attention
demonstrates your interest:
#1 — Smile:
 Research found that females smiled
and lifted their eyebrows in a swift
motion as they opened their eyes in a
wide gaze, followed by dropping their
eyelids, tilting their head to one side and
looking away. So, at least smile at the
guy who vies for your attention.
#2 — Act Shy:
Cover your face with your hands
and/or giggle nervously or exhibit a coy
look by cocking your head and looking
up shyly at him. Why does this work? I
don’t know. Probably because it tells
men you’re not going to dominate and
whip them into submission. You can do
that later, after you’re married. (Only
kidding.)
#3 — Raise your shoulders and/or arch
your back:
Here’s that lordosis thing again!
Lordosis is a fancy way of saying, “stick
your butt out.” This is the classic “hot
babe” pose. Think Marilyn Monroe. Use
this technique only for brief moments
because you’d look like a prostitute
walking around this way all the time.
(Which is why they’re doing it!)
#4 — Sweep your hair as you look at
him:
Tossing your head to fling your hair
back in a sweeping motion can also be
accompanied by your hand assisting the
sweep.
#5 — Make room for him:
If you’re surrounded or obstructed by
others, move to a clearer area.
#6 — Maintain eye contact for five
seconds
It will seem like hours, but it’s only
five seconds (1001, 1002, 1003…
1004……1005…), and that eye-to-eye
connection is the best method to let him
know you are interested. Of course, if
you’re not interested in a guy’s
solicitation — look away. This will
indicate that he should step away. So, if
interested, show it clearly!
Step 2: Let It Be Safe To
Approach
Giving him notice that you’re
interested doesn’t mean you have to
pursue him. Just let him know you are
pursuable! That it’s safe for him to
approach you. Typically a confident
male won’t need any further
encouragement. But aren’t all men this
confident? Unfortunately, most men don’t
just lack assurance, they’re terrified.
Researchers believe that our modern
society has removed rites of manhood
from our culture and whip-lashed guys
with gender identity and women’s
liberation issues. The resulting
confusion and chaos has made a lot of
guys hypersensitive, confused or just
plain too scared to put a move on you
even if they are interested in you!
You see, your “selection power” is
one of the most dominant in nature’s
forces over a male. Our cells know it.
So once you’ve got his attention and
shown him you’re interested, make it
safe for him to approach easily. How
close you allow him to get depends on
your culture. For Americans:

Intimate space is about 18 inches

around the head for intimate
companions and pets
Personal space is about two to
four feet for friends
 Social space about is four to
eight feet away for work and
social gatherings
Public space about is nine to ten
feet beyond, especially if you
have gas.43
Allow him to start in your social
space and then to slowly move into your
personal space. You can pick up our
pheromones from a few feet away and
this helps you unconsciously determine
if you’re really attracted to him. The
latest scientific research on sweaty T-
shirts has found that pheromones like
your dad’s, but not too much, stimulate
arousal. Apparently, if too much like
dad’s an incest avoidance instinct is
triggered.
How to make it safe also depends on
the situation, so you’re going to have to
figure this out for yourself, but here are
some ideas:

Is it easy to get to you? Get off

the mechanical bull at the bar or
out of the tampon section if
you’re in the grocery store.
Lose any guy you’re with. (This
one should be obvious.)
Lose your girlfriends. Why?
Sometimes he may feel
outnumbered if you’re with a
crowd. More confident guys will
notice the leader of the group and
 approach her to gain insertion
into the group. Less confident
guys may need you step aside for
a moment.
Face him. You may just need to
swing around in your seat.
Make room. Slide over.

Step 3: Engage
Communication
Now that you’ve drawn him in,
you’ve got to convince him to stay.
Otherwise, you’ll never capture him for
a date. So, in addition to body language,
you will need to add verbal
communication. But guys suck at this so
you’ll have to help him talk. His body
knows you have all the power in mate
selection and is afraid that if he starts to
talk he’ll blow it and you’ll think he’s a
jerk. He may be a jerk, but you’ll figure
that out later. Help him get started
talking first by making eye contact and
smiling. The idea is to get him to
approach you and say something —
anything. Once he’s taken the first hurdle
and initiated a conversation, no matter
now inane his first comment, you can
gently guide the conversation:
#1 — Idle Talk:
It’s OK to engage in idle, meaningless
conversation. Comment on the weather,
the environment, the news, the
architecture of the room, the price of the
eggs if at the grocery store, selection of
beers if at the pub, or anything that
comes to mind. Once you’re in a longer-
term relationship, you’ll expect him to
stop meaningless conversation for some
reason. (He probably won’t, but don’t
bring that up now.)
#2 — Grooming Talk:
Perform what anthropologists call
“grooming talk.” Ask him if he likes the
food. Tell him how you like his job, car,
attitude or anything that will make him
think you respect him. He needs to know
you think he’s worth something.
#3 — Synchronize Body Movement:
This will happen naturally so you
don’t have to worry about it. When you
are both comfortable enough, you’ll
align your bodies face-to-face and begin
synchronized body movement and
breathing. This synchronization, which
also happens when dancing, is classic
mammalian behavior in relationships
and can even be seen after birth with
mothers and babies. Once
synchronization occurs, you will have
successfully escalated the attraction
process and are now faced with an
opportunity to enter the capture phase of
dating.
Step 4: Plan What's Next
(but let him think he's
doing it)
This phase is simple. He’s supposed
to show you he’s interested and ask you
to plan future meetings with him like,
“I’ve enjoyed meeting you and am
interested in seeing you again. When can
we get together?” But it might sound
something more like, “Um, I thought,
well, listen, maybe we, uh, what if,
mmmmm, er, like would you, uh, I mean,
[deep sigh, look of panic].” If the latter
happens, just say, “Yes!” Act like you
heard him. Tell him you’d love to get
together and thank him for asking. You’ll
see a good example of this at the end of
the movie The Incredibles when the
teenage girl hero finally gets approached
by the most popular guy in school. He
fumbles, she recovers. Touchdown!
These future meetings could be lunch,
dinner, a show, a movie, a social event
or just coffee. But oddly enough, some
guys are afraid to show their interest,
which frustrates women to no end. One
woman analyzed bad-dating experiences
in England and found that guys never
expressed interest. She cynically
concluded this was due to several
reasons: At boarding school the lost
affection from their mothers at an early
age left them incapable of intimacy with
women because:

They drank too much, which left

them incapable of intimacy
They were repressed homosexuals
They simply didn’t like women
So enable him to express interest.
Plant the seeds. Women who don’t
practice the art of feminine, respectful
conversation never plant seeds for future
meetings. They require HIM to be
courageous. But punks and nerds are
courageous, while real men want to be
“gentlemen.” How do you plant seeds?
Try leading questions like:

“You mentioned that the art museum

is bringing in the new exhibit. Do
 you know the date?”
“My brother promised to take me to
the new play downtown, but had to
cancel. I hope my girlfriend will go
with me.”

When these seeds drop in fertile soil,

they blossom. Gentlemen like to help
ladies in any kind in distress. If the
scientists are right, at this point you’ve
successfully attracted him into you and
captured him into a future dating
relationship. This may not work 100
percent of the time, but your hit rate will
dramatically increase over the option of,
well, just waiting.

There will never be a woman as

 sensitive inside (anima) as a man,
nor will there ever be a man as strong
inside (animus) as a woman.
A woman who knows how to be a lady
is a woman who presents a receptive,
available and respecting persona to a
man rather than a masculine passive-
aggressive ego-driven animus.

Step 5: Prepare for Sex or

Not
During future meetings, you’ll
become more comfortable together and
your bodies will know what do from
there. But remember, at this point he’s
only interested in sex! Not love. (Don’t
forget the earlier chapters?) He
generally wants to move fast and doesn’t
realize you may have different views on
how well you need to know someone
before you have sex with them (which
contrary to a guy is usually longer than
dinner). Nevertheless:

— RULE OF DATING —

Women prefer familiarity and

commitment before they have
sex with a guy.
Guys have different standards
— absolutely no sex until she
says, “Yes.”
 Now some experts say that guys want
to take it slow for a long-term
relationship, but chances are you won’t
be with one. That’s because scientific
data shows that guys hold off, but only if
they have to! If you’re ready, few guys
will resist. His primal agenda ruthlessly
demands that he sow his seed far and
wide in order to replicate, and this
clashes with your tendency for caution
and selectivity. This requires you to
make a decision and it’s an important
decision!
Fast sex rarely becomes solid
lovemaking. In therapy, I see this
happen. A “claw woman” short-circuits
her anxiety at being deflowered by a
stealthy man by having a let’s-get-it-
over-with attitude. This results in either:
(1) an addiction to sex fraught with
violence of mind, body and spirit, or (2)
no friendships past the infatuation
superficiality. In this case, sex becomes
an animal event – a quickie – versus
making love – a human event.
The movie Quest for Fire shows the
issue of fast vs. slow sex clearly. Having
sex (more yang than yin) and/or making
love (more yin than yang) are both fine
as long as BOTH people want the same
style at the same time. Negotiated
sexuality is the secret of mating
and/or marriage. Otherwise, games are
being played through intimidation with
fear (rape) or seduction with guilt
(shotgun wedding). Negotiating
manipulates to achieve useful balance,
while intimidation and seduction are
gamey ways to use or abuse the other
person for money, security or sex
gratification.
Sex or not, now that you’re dating,
hold on for a biochemical roller-coaster
ride. Even without sex, a hormone rush
will make you insane for about ninety
days when you’ll experience:

Time Waste: We can spend 85-

100% doting on each other.
Ignorance: Weaknesses in you
will be ignored and you’ll appear
unique and charming. Later these
features will become irritants to
him.
 Fear: Interestingly, this
biochemical rush can be
accompanied by paralyzing fear,
which may impair normal
function.44 A 19th century French
novelist said, “Whenever I gave
my arm to Leonore, I always felt
I was about to fall and I had to
think about how to walk.”
Given this state of mind don’t — I
said don’t! — make any rash longterm
decisions like asking him to put you on
the deed, buy you a car, have you move
in, co-sign a loan, etc., until after this
hormonal rush is over. Because if you
do, he just might do it.
--- SECTION III:
Your Dating Toolkits --
-

“I did it!” Sally said.

“That was fast. You’re
dating someone?”
“Not just one. Three!”
Julie laughs. “You seem to
be happier than you were a
few weeks ago.”
“You know, I am. It was
awkward at first, but now I
feel confident. I don’t have to
wait and hope.”
“Well now you’ve got a
bigger problem,” Julie said.
“What problem. I just
solved my dating issues.”
“Yes, you did. And a good
job. But time for caution.
Getting a date is just the first
step to finding a meaningful
relationship. But it doesn’t
mean you won’t get hurt.
Now you need to be aware
of the dangers.”
“I’ve been hurt before.
But maybe it’s better than
loneliness.”
“True, but maybe the pain
can be mitigated.”
“How do I do that?” Sally
asked.
DATING TOOLKIT
#1: What To Do
Before You Date Him
– "Fling" Avoidance
Techniques

Now that you’ve enchanted him, rush

into his heart and be carried into the
realm of romance and joy forever!
 [Cue: Sound of screeching
wheels…]
Not so fast. Is he the right one to
enchant? Or maybe you didn’t enchant
him…he seduced YOU in to the
relationship! You see, guys may not be
smart enough to seduce you consciously,
but their bodies are. And our bodies
have had millions of years to perfect the
game. A guy’s body instinctively knows
how to trigger you and, if you’re not
aware of it, you can fall for Mr. Wrong.
The seduction game helps spread genetic
material, but it also causes pain — “I
don’t know what happened. I thought
we really had something. I fell in love
with him so fast, we had sex, and then
he never called again. I was dumped.”
We instinctively react to evolution’s
unconscious mammalian triggers for
seduction. Sound crude? Nature is. But
regardless of nature’s lack of class, our
species survives quite well with these
mating strategies ingrained in our DNA.
It’s time to start making better choices in
who you fall in love with by being
aware of his main seduction patterns.
Fortunately, recent scientific research
exposes nature’s tricks so you now have
a better chance to override your
instinctive reactions and avoid a dating
mistake. A seduction trick his body uses
involves triggering what YOUR body
wants in a mate.
The 3 Secrets He Knows
Your Body Wants
Laura knew that he wasn’t a good fit
for her. But, for some reason, she
couldn’t help it. She’d jump whenever
he called her for a date, even though
half the time he stood her up — with a
good excuse, of course. And when they
went out he treated her poorly in front
of her friends. Embarrassed, she’d
often go home humiliated. She
suspected he was even seeing someone
else. Why couldn’t she leave him?
Laura was seduced by one of the five
main biological triggers for falling in
love. Being unaware of this, she was
relegated to a frustrating and hopeless
relationship.
Sound familiar?
We’ve all had our girlfriends warn
you about a guy, yet still fell in love with
the wrong man. When it doesn’t last, we
feel great pain and sadness from the
loss. But when another suitor appears,
we fall back into the same situation.
Even though we have the power nature
gave us to select a mate, we still get
seduced into falling for the wrong ones.
How do they do that to us?
Researchers now understand how
guys seduce us. A guy instinctively
knows, consciously or unconsciously,
that we will fall in love if he triggers
what evolution designed us to want more
than anything else in him. And what do
we women want? Sigmund Freud said,
“Everything!” Very funny, but studies
like David Buss’s Harvard research of
10,000 people in 37 cultures found
something quite unique from an
evolutionary perspective.45 Surprisingly
different from what the “sensitive” male
movement has duped us into believing;
we do NOT want nice, kind, touchy-
feely, vulnerable, and thoughtful men.
(That sounds more like the description
of a woman, doesn’t it?) We want
something else:

Success!
Not your success. His! Genetic
programming urges human females to
want to mate with “successful” guys!
Think about it. Ever notice how we’re
not attracted to losers? Unless we’re a
chronic “fixer,” guys who are failures
don’t arouse us. Losers don’t turn us on.
So, seducing us means he must be
successful…or at least appear to be.
This is bred deeply into his instinctive
behavior, and ours.
So even though a guy seeks sexiness
in us, we want successful in him; a
physical desirability along with his
ability to pay for the kids. This makes
sense evolutionarily. Mating with guys
who had resources to feed and protect
the mother and kids was critical.
Evolution favored this instinct because
women who mated with less supportive
guys failed to get such critical resources,
and eventually went extinct. The
survivors who did get these resources
and protection replicated more
successfully, and eventually produced
the modern woman — us! That’s why
today a guy’s success still turns us on
even we don’t need it.

— RULE OF DATING —

Guys see women as sex

objects.
But women see guys as
success objects.

So, when you see a beautiful woman

with an unattractive guy, what does that
say about him? He’s got resources. And
why do you think a guy wants to appear
smarter than his mate does, whether he
really is or not? He wants to be seen as
a winner. In a recent study46 guys and
gals were asked what intelligence level
they would accept in a “date.” The
answer: average. But when asked how
smart would they have to be for you to
have sex the answers changed. Women
said: above average. Guys? Below
average. Enough said on this point. His
strategy to seek success and avoid
failure is hardwired into his DNA…and
yours!
A Lingering Desire
Isn’t a man’s success an unnecessary
tool in modern societies because many
of us are able to survive quite well on
our own? And for those us who can’t,
there’s government support? Yes, but
remember, our bodies have not mutated
to accommodate our modern society, and
probably won’t for millions of years. In
the meantime, the desire for successful
guys drives the genetic agenda in us even
if we have own resources. Why? It
makes sense from nature’s perspective.
Remember, our female ancestors bore
the tremendous burden of:

A nine-month pregnancy
 A painful birthing process
Many months of breast-feeding
Many months of carrying a child
until it could walk
Years of caring until the child
was self-sufficient
Those guys successful enough to
provide resources got selected more
often than losers. Still true today. Most
times the gentle, literate, and sensitive
artistic carpenter will lose out to the
insensitive, rich banker any day. Of
course, this is old news:
“Girls praise a poem, but go for
expensive presents.
Any illiterate oaf can catch their eye
provided he’s rich.
 Today is truly the Golden Age: gold
buys honor, gold procures love.”
—Ovid (2,000 years ago)

Nothing has changed. Some may have

a hard time accepting that guys work
hard to have a big house, boat, or just
more money because they want sex. If
females only had sex with total losers,
though, how many guys would still make
the extra effort? Instead, you’d find more
guys living on sidewalks in cardboard
condos, pandering for handouts so
women would find them attractive. Sure,
some guys wouldn’t do that, but they
wouldn’t hold out for more than a month
without sex; after seeing their friends
getting it more often they’d soon find a
place on the sidewalk!
Regardless of the culture or social
level, studies find that most guys, about
two-thirds, like it when they’re admired
for their success by a female. This
explains some of the patterns we see in
modern society like:

Women have affairs with married

men — bachelors are more likely
to be losers.
Human rape is conducted more
by unattractive losers than
anyone else,47 the desperate act
of a male who has failed to
achieve a success profile.
Success-craving and the
hormones that drive it increases
 significantly during a female’s
peak fertility cycle, just before or
after ovulation!48
Ironically, we complain that all men
want is control, domination and
success.
But the reason for this?
Because we require it!
So, in your case, how does he entice
you specifically? Your body craves
certain success characteristics in a male.
Knowing them helps you consciously
choose who to date without falling
madly in love too quickly, or staying in a
relationship too long. Sometimes we
make mistakes that are right for our
biology, but wrong for our career, family
and general wellbeing. Knowing what to
look for helps you avoid them. Three
“success” factors really make you fall
for a guy: Economics, Genetics,
Emotions.

You Want Him Successful

Economically
Many of us don’t need a financially
successful guy because we’re successful
ourselves or because we feel it’s
politically incorrect to say so. But
biology cannot be ignored. Women who
deny this instinct either don’t have a
relationship or, if they do, one of the
partners is miserable.

— RULE OF DATING —

Financial success influences

your selection of him twice as
much as it influences his
selection of you.
(No matter what age.)

In studies of thousands of people in

multiple cultures, researchers found that
there are really only two games people
play with each other in relationships.
One person mates for money and status,
and the other person mates for a
sensuous home and a sexually available
body.49 Initially, I was shocked at this
assertion, but abundant evidence shows
this ancient biological program isn’t
only limited to humans, but exists in
studies of a variety of species.50 For
example, female migratory birds choose
males with the best territories. If the old
guy gets kicked out by a younger male,
the female stays with the new one!

— RULE OF DATING —

Relationship economics is
simply the exchange of money
for sex.
Evolution does not apologize
 for this. The intention is
survival of the gene.
Even though we may disagree
with the method, survive it has
indeed!

Many women get angry with me in my

seminars when we reference this
research. They say it devalues them, or
is sexist, or puts us back in the 50’s! I
agree it sounds crass and makes us
angry, but I can’t avoid the data. The
research evidence is accurate, most of it
from female researchers! We can ignore
the findings, but what if we accept that
it’s true? We don’t have to agree with the
resulting behavior, but if we accept this
data could it explain the chronic
problems we’ve been having better than
any other relationship theory?
In my therapy sessions, when a client
explores the relevance of this research,
they find that our deep, unconscious
instincts for exchanging sex for
resources explains a lot of the problems
they’ve been having. Why do you think
prostitution and mistresses are so
prevalent in our species, even though the
risks are high and include disease,
murder, injury and drug addiction?

So ingrained is the “money for sex”

game in our species that even with
risks of career, money, crime and
 family, the ancient profession of
prostitution has been used by 69% of
American men (Kinsey research) with
15% of guys who use prostitution as a
regular sexual outlet; with a more
than ample supply available: 100,000
to 500,000 prostitutes in the U.S.;
130,000 in Tokyo; 230,000 in Poland,
80,000 in Addis Ababa, Ethiopia.51
This data causes emotional pain or
rage. I don’t meet many women who
enjoy seeing the publications on this. But
the “Money for sex” strategy isn’t a bad
thing from nature’s evolutionary
perspective. Biologically it enhances,
not diminishes, mating success.
Professor Baker, in his book Sperm
Wars, says that prostitution is such an
effective replication strategy that “on
average, we should each need to go back
through our family tree no further than
the 1820s (seven generations) before
finding an ancestor who was born to a
prostitute.”
Money, however, is only one measure
of a guy’s economic success that
stimulates us. Others include:
Social Status
We instinctively want to marry up. A
guy at a higher social level, no matter
which culture was studied, turns women
on. From an evolutionary perspective,
this also makes sense. Being in higher
social strata enhances a female’s genetic
survival because her genes will combine
with more successful and/or attractive
males. This DNA design still influences
modern females today as seen in the
Marla Maples and Donald Trump affair,
or Michael Jackson’s surrogate mothers.
So guys wanting to score better tend to
hang out in lower social circles.
Age
In all 37 cultures studied, women
prefer guys who are older; older men are
usually more experienced and successful
economically. This pattern reverses, but
only in cultures where younger men are
already wealthy.
Professional Status
 Seen in the workplace every day
when a secretary or White House Aid
has sex with the boss. A woman’s
biology drives her to be stimulated by
the “success” agenda and a guy’s
biology drives him to go for it in his
career. He can’t help it, which is why
we find professionals from preachers to
presidents getting caught with their pants
down. Sexual Harassment and
Management Training consultants who
fail to consider this mammalian genetic
instinct contribute to continued corporate
infractions.

Do Men Have More of a Sex Drive

Than Women?
Recent research finds this belief to be
wrong. Men and women’s sex drives are
identical, but we get confused because
guys get stimulated daily (visually)
while women get stimulated infrequently
(how many times can he buy her a
house?). For example, I encountered one
female with no sexual activity for years
who shared that she became sexually
aroused when the guy she was dating
prepaid her apartment rent for the
season.

You Want Him Successful

Genetically
Genetic success in his physical body
turns us on too. Why? These
characteristics show us his potential for
providing us resources and economic
capacity; not unusual for animals, even if
these genetic characteristics prove to be
burdens. For example, consider the
larger tail on a male peacock. It
handicaps the poor bird in hiding or
escaping predators. But he has no choice
if he wants sex. The drab colored
females, safe in their camouflage,
choose the guy they want — and do they
want a guy with genetics for being a
predatory target! Why would a female
want to mate with a bird carrying such a
survival disadvantage? Researcher
Amotz Zahavi52 in the Journal of
Theoretical Biology says it’s precisely
because if the poor sucker is still alive
he must have some survival advantage!
With such a large handicap, the female
figures this guy must have something on
the ball because he’s still walking
around! He must be superior at escaping
predators, finding food, resisting disease
etc. So the increased mating
opportunities for the peacock far
outweigh the disadvantage of the tail.
This explains why guys do stupid
things to prove superiority over other
guys. It so we will select them! As we
mentioned earlier in the book, ever
notice young guys exposing themselves
to risks or dangers like fast driving,
potent drugs, drunkenness, extreme
sports and other unsafe behaviors?
Scientists believe they are unconsciously
saying to females, “I must be strong and
superior enough if I can do these drugs,
or swallow this alcohol and endure a
hangover, or risk my life in no fear
activities and still remain alive and
healthy.” Unfortunately, humans have
longer lives than most animals so the
consequences of this show-off behavior
may be detrimental. A drunk youth who
drives fast to impress his female finds
all too often that being wrapped around
a telephone pole hinders mating
opportunities.
So, what are the physical, genetic
success factors we look for in mate
selection?
Size and Strength
 Tall men have more mating success in
all cultures studied. Size provides more
physical protection for the female and an
increased capacity for success
(economically and physically), so tall
guys have an advantage. This also helps
profitability in the platform-shoe market.
Health
That’s why many guys get to the gym
and trash the Twinkies.

Symmetry53
Interestingly, left and right side body
symmetry is important probably because
asymmetry could be due to genetic
defects or health issues. So women will
unconsciously, but instinctively, look for
symmetry in a guy’s body. A study of 200
college students found that guys with
high symmetry reported more sexual
partners than asymmetrical guys.
Conversely, a guy’s fascination with
female breast symmetry may stem from a
similar assessment of a woman!
Good Looks
Studies show that other females
wanting him validates a guy’s genetic
“success;” which explains why women
want a guy more if other women also
want him. This is not limited to humans;
most mammalian studies find the same
pattern across many species.54 Good
looking males, knowing they have an
advantage, can be very promiscuous and
tend to leave their females holding the
bag with the chores and child-rearing.
Why do we still hang around with such
men even though our girlfriends tell us
we’re crazy? We can’t help it; it’s in our
genetic program. Female instincts still
promote this choice of mate because
even though he will be a selfish, lazy
and conceited nerd, her offspring will
likely be attractive as well, which gives
her genes an advantage in replicating.
So, if you’re going out with a jerk, make
sure he’s a good-looking one.
Penis length
Yes, like Woody Allen said, penis
envy shouldn’t be limited to women. But
why penis length? Remember, if a
woman mates with a large “package,”
then her offspring will likely have more
success in replicating her genes. This
has to do with genetic warfare regarding
sperm displacement (topic of a later
book).

You Want Him Successful

Emotionally
His emotions are also important to us
if they are Success-oriented. Research
indicates the following items are key
triggers:
Ambition/Industriousness:
Yes, we want to see if he’s willing to
do hard work. Sheer hard work is the
best predictor of success: higher
salaries, better education, promotions,
etc.
Dependability/Stability:
We want him to be dependable. Why?
Unreliable guys threaten our resources
because they are more self-centered,
possessive, dependent, jealous, abusive
(verbally and physically), inconsiderate
and moody. They also tend to
monopolize shared resources and have
more affairs.
Intelligence
If he’s smart he could be more
successful, but we cannot be too
discriminating here. If he’s a bit smarter
than us that could be a problem because
guys generally seek similarities in
intelligence when it comes to long- term
mates, unless, of course, they’re on the
“trophy wife” plan.
Compatibility
Values need to be aligned to promote
long-term relationship success and
access to successful resources.
Love and Commitment
We want fidelity so that males focus
their successful resources on our
children and us.

Success Trumps Sensitivity

The common belief that women prefer
 sensitive, emotional males is wrong.
Scientists say the studies supporting this
myth failed to consider the female’s
genetic driver — success. Instead of
asking about preferences for a sensitive
versus an insensitive male, they should
ask if the female would mate if he had a
great house, or if she would have access
to a large annual sum of money,
or if their kids would be totally
protected financially, or if she would be
the envy of women for landing such a
successful guy. In these cases, the
answers are different. Success turns on
women, and this explains why
unattractive men can really land some
attractive females, and why some
females marry the least sensitive guys.
 These success triggers don’t diminish
once you’ve fallen in love with him. He
needs to keep it up even after marriage.
One study found no link between money
and sex after marriage (the study did not
study sex with mistresses), but other
studies quickly contradict this finding.
For example, sexual dysfunction occurs
more in men with declining income
levels. If a guy’s income drops more
than 20%, she will have 60% more
problems becoming aroused by him
when compared to a guy whose income
went up!55
It’s important for keeping him in a
relationship that you remember how
these factors affect him as well. When
we women feel financially independent,
we might tend to not appreciate financial
success in him and just go for sex. That’s
fine, but wanting sex and money is
narcissistic. We would do better to
respect men even when we have our
own money; live at his level, not ours,
unless we want to be the man-energy in
the relationship. For example, in the
book The War Against Boys,56 Christina
Sommers shares stories about the
damage young masculine women do
when they make young men (sons,
students, grandsons) feel ashamed of
their competitive, conquering and
controlling nature. Morality that is
scheduled toward women’s nature —
i.e., comfort over conquest —
undermines men who need to have
conquest over comfort.

Women need to feel good to do good;

men need to do good to feel good.
Today, a lot of us women think they
want a “feeling” man, but the price for
such a “man” is that the we must now be
the competitor, conqueror and controller
in the relationship. Men who like to be
respected avoid women who act like
men. Men (boys, really) who like their
women strong avoid women who like to
be cherished. This is nature’s dance and
it plays out in all our seductions. Being
aware helps us avoid selection and
relationship mistakes. But how can we
detect his “success” strategies for
seducing us?
Remove His Mask: How To
Tell If He Wants Casual Sex
or a Permanent Partner
Scientists find that effective seduction
in animal mating occurs through a ritual
they call “Display Strategies.” Like all
the other primate instincts you’ve seen
so far, humans are not immune to this
either. If a guy wants to mate with you,
he makes you think he’s not a loser and
that you’ll greatly enhance your genetic
code surviving into the future by mating
with him. So he does what all mammals
do when they want to mate — he
displays the success that he innately
knows you seek!
 Display strategies explain why guys
overspend on things like flashy cars,
stylish clothes, gold chains, sunglasses,
cool music and other fashion symbols.
Every generation is alarmed by the next
generation’s dress, dancing, music,
walking patterns, language, hair, etc., but
it’s all just a bunch of young sex-
fevered guys trying to get laid by looking
“cool” (successful). Unrelenting as we
get older, this instinct still influences a
guy’s choice in cars, houses, clothes
and if he can afford it, accessories like
sports equipment, off-road vehicles,
weapons, boats, planes, etc. If he
appears successful enough, a guy knows
you’ll overlook his imperfections
because your hormones are also rushing
and you’ll think his quirks are cute —
not irritants like you’ll discover later
once it’s too late and you’re already in
love with him.
For example, a typical guy also uses
food as a Success Display. Not a new
idea. Even before dinosaurs, males
displayed success by providing a
resource like food to the female.
Courtship feeding is a very effective
way to display success because it shows
the female how good the male is as a
hunter, provider and worthy partner.57
We see this throughout nature:

A male scorpion brings a gift,

usually food such as a dead
insect and, if accepted, mates
with the female while she’s
eating. This of course inspires the
male to bring lots of food. If after
the necessary 20 minutes of sex
there’s food left, however, both
fight over the scraps remaining.
The Black-Tipped Hag Fly sets
out a juicy meal to attract a
female and then mounts her
before she’s done eating.
The male roadrunner displays a
dead rat, but only gives it to her
AFTER she has sex with him.
Flies bring aphids or spiders.
Birds bring fish or lizards.
Chimps bring animal flesh.
Humans…well, guys bring meat
too. Usually steak or lobster.
 Even though buying food is one way a
guy demonstrates success to stimulate
your prehistoric genetic instincts, if
you’re a “liberated” woman you can
mess it up! How? By insisting on picking
up the dinner check — thereby
sabotaging the mating ritual! If you want
equality, keep it in the office. But if you
want to cut the relationship short, go
ahead and pull out your credit card.

— RULE OF DATING —

“Liberated” females who try

to find Mr. Right are usually
lonely because they keep
stepping on biology.
 In addition to food, there are many
other options a guy uses to display
success to you. In his book The
Evolution of Desire: Strategies of
Human Mating, David Buss’s extensive
scientific research58 reveals that the
following display strategies work best:

Male Display Strategies for

Attracting Casual Sex Partners:

Displaying wealth and the

willingness to part with it (giving
money away to charities, street
people, etc.)
Flashing money
Buying gifts (the more expensive
the better, but not too much less
they take it for granted)
Taking you out to an expensive
restaurant (without the sexual
mounting, please)
Wearing expensive clothes
Sucking in his stomach
Buying a mixed drink (something
better than beer or wine)
Giving the waitress a large tip
Displaying self-confidence
Calling the shots (taking control,
instead of “whatever you like,
honey”)
Acting macho
Be seen as being wanted by other
women
Having a nice car
Having a car with loud music.
Guys make song just like other
species: frogs croak, crickets
chirp, cats howl, porcupines
whine, alligators bellow,
elephants rumble, geckos chip,
and young human adolescents
annoyingly turn up music devices
in public places. (If these guys
knew that this signals that they’re
not getting enough sex would they
lower the volume?)
Bragging about his
accomplishments while sucking
in his stomach
Showing off
NOT being sexually overt
Displaying physical prowess
while sucking in his stomach.
 Flexing muscles
Opening jars
Playing sports (better if the
sports are testosterone-driven
such as mountain climbing,
football, motorcycles or anything
that involves sweat)
Lifting weights
Having a deeper voice
(apparently this makes you
women weak in the knees
because it indicates higher levels
of male hormones)59
Boasting
Did I mention sucking in his
stomach?

Male Display Strategies for

Attracting Permanent Partners:

Showing potential for having

resources
Studying hard
Describing ambitions goals
Wearing expensive clothes
Still sucking in his stomach
Showing love, commitment and
devotion
Discussing marriage
Showing deep concern for your
problems and sensitivity to your
needs
Showing emotional support
Showing that he will be there for
you in times of need
Showing persistence and
willingness to sacrifice his time
to pursue you
Showing that he is helpful (like
opening doors, sitting down last,
fixing stuff, etc.)
Showing kindness
Being protective of you by acts
like putting his arm around you in
a crowd, holding your hand while
crossing a street, asking someone
not to blow smoke in your
direction
Appearing vulnerable
Being polite and considerate of
others
Showing that he likes kids
Showing loyalty
Saying “I love you”
 But do these things really work on us?
Research of 100 newlywed women
confirmed that their husbands used these
displays 100% of the time during
courtship.
Does all this sound manipulative?
It is. But as you’ve learned by now:
Nature doesn’t care. Evolution only
cares about the result — more babies
carrying our genetic material into the
future. As we’ve seen before, this
ancient phenomenon exists as a program
in your DNA too! You’re not going to
change it anytime soon. Even if he’s a
nice guy, losers statistically go home
alone more than successful guys.
If you then avoid a “fling”, and start
dating, you now want to evaluate
whether he’s worth it in the long-term.
That’s next.
DATING TOOLKIT
#2: How To Tell If
He's Worth It – The
Guy Profiling Tool

After you begin dating, step back and

take a moment to assess how the man of
the hour is trying to impress you with his
“success” or capacity for it. Noticing his
moves gives you a chance to evaluate
whether you want to fall for him any
further or not. Notice how your body is
responding. Then ask yourself, do I want
him for him, or am I getting sucked in to
a relationship I don’t want? The
following profile tool can help.
Falling-ln-Love Success
Assessment Tool
(Put a check mark for each row. Total
the number per column at the bottom)
Key Questions About Your
Profile Results
Do you want him or the food he
brings and the restaurants he
takes you to?
Is he a nice guy or does he just
have nice resources (car, boat,
house or other material
possessions)?
Are you impressed with his life
values or just his talents? Or
fame?
Does he show you off, but not
cherish you?
 Do his good looks overshadow
the fact that he doesn’t have a
job?
Are you so infatuated with his
money and looks that you can’t
hear your girlfriends’
complaints?
These questions and the profile tool,
along with cutting down on the touching
and the chocolates, will help you step
back and assess the situation before you
fall for him too fast. How does he rate in
the success dimensions as compared to
other guys competing for you? Or, if
you’re married, how does he rate against
other males in the community you are
part of?
DATING TOOLKIT
#3: What To Do
Before You Sleep With
Him: Nature's Drug
Test

He attracted you because he appeared

successful, but nature gives him other
seduction tricks. Ignorance of nature’s
seductions provides just more material
for relationship books. It’s time to go
deeper. The question really is not WHY
men seduce you – we know it’s the
evolutionary drive to mate – but HOW
do does it happen? Knowing the answer
helps you remain in control of the “mate
selection” process. The answer is
simple – he gets you chemically attached
to him (no matter how appropriate or
inappropriate the relationship may be).
Our bodies began manufacturing
biochemical drugs millennia ago.
Indeed, their impact on our emotions and
behaviors laid the foundation for our
relationships as long as we’ve been a
species with genders. Let’s look at a
few.
How He Gets You
Infatuated - Dopamine
Our female hormones and brain are
designed to mix an exciting drug cocktail
to produce a thrilling rush when we meet
someone of interest.60 Scientists can
measure these love markers as they
stimulate specific brain regions such as
— here’s a mouthful — the medial
insula, anterior cingulated and the basal
ganglia.61 These brain areas contain lots
of receptors for our body’s biochemical
drugs. One particularly interesting one is
dopamine, the drug for euphoria,
craving…and addiction.62 This
dopamine rush helps us to overlook his
flaws, which otherwise might cause us
to run away, and helps us focus only on
hormonally responding to him.63
But what happens after 90 days? By
then, this drug begins to wear off, and is
supplanted with other endorphins that act
more like morphine, serving to calm us
down.

— RULE OF DATING —

Everybody falls in love with

their soul mate…for 90 days!

For guys, brain chemistry is designed to:

Go insane with infatuation in

order to fall in love when they
first meet you.
 Become attached to you so that
they can bond in endless love.
Reach eventual restlessness and
an urge to move on.
Even today’s tribes recognize this
biological program for love.
Anthropological research documents a
!Kung woman (the !Kung are a tribe in
the Kalahari Desert) folk saying: “When
two people are first together, their hearts
are on fire and their passion is very
great. After a while, the fire cools and
that’s how it stays.”64 Many ancient
cultures like the Romans considered this
“falling-in-love” feeling a form of
insanity. They were probably right.
Research published in the scientific
journal Ethnology shows that 87 of 168
societies are aware of this insanity,65
and you see it in your friends when they
fall in love. They go nuts! And so do
you. First, you become so enthralled in
the new relationship you do crazy things.
You might even dump your close friends
and not see them again for months!
What other drugs cause seduction?
Only parts of an entire system; other
drugs guys use to influence you to “fall
in love” include one of the main players
– Oxytocin.

How He Gets You to Bond –

Oxytocin
Ever wonder what makes us want a
guy so much and what causes so much
pain when we break up? The reason we
bond with a guy65 is due to the
neuropeptide Oxytocin, which binds to
limbic cells in our brain.67 Studies on
monkeys by Dr. C. Sue Carter68 of the
University of Maryland found this
“bonding glue” critical for falling in
love. When scientists suppress Oxytocin
in a female, she rejects outsider babies.
Some scientists think that the existence
of Oxytocin, only found in mammals,
explains why “love” may have been
essential in the evolutionary
development of our species.
The power of this love potion shows
itself across species from sheep, to
monkeys, to humans. Injections of
Oxytocin produce a similar range of
reactions such as:

Sheep adopting other infants for

mothering
Human females becoming an “earth
mother” and loving the whole world
Virgins becoming maternal within
thirty minutes.69
In addition to being the “love”
hormone, Oxytocin also exercises a
number of other versatile effects on your
body:

1. Lust
2. Breastfeeding: Starts the milk let-
down response and causes us to
automatically leak milk from their
 breasts when we hear a baby cry —
embarrassing in checkout lines.
3. Labor: A natural labor inducer;
doctors use Oxytocin injections to
speed up contractions in us.
4. Stops Bleeding: Oxytocin reduces
postpartum uterine bleeding.
5. Memory Loss: Curiously, Oxytocin
makes us forget. Useful for
forgetting things like the pain of
childbirth — and that last painful
breakup with a boyfriend.
6. Logic Breakdowns: Oxytocin stops
us from reasoning rationally.
7. Nipple Erections: Dr. Crenshaw
refers to a company, Syntocinon,
that found Las Vegas show girls
were using its Oxytocin nose spray
 to make their nipples erect.
Because guys don’t have much to do
with labor or lactation, and bonding,
they have less Oxytocin response than
we do. Well, except for one moment
when guys actually feel an Oxytocin
level closer to what we feel:
Ejaculation
Yes, a guy needs Oxytocin to climax.
After he ejaculates, however, his
Oxytocin level drops rapidly and the
overdose he just got makes him feel
stoned and lethargic. Then,
testosterone’s effect once again emerges,
making him want to be alone. This is
why a guy always feels like rolling over
and going to sleep after sex. We don’t
feel this way because we’re used to
higher Oxytocin levels.

How a Guy Raises Our

Oxytocin Level
A guy triggers our Oxytocin by doing
the one thing we love him to do:

Touching Us.
No, not there! I mean like our hand, arm
or some other socially acceptable body
part. Our Oxytocin level also rises when
we think about him. Why do you think he
gives you flowers, pictures or something
to take home to remind you of him? But
when he physically touches you,
Oxytocin soars! Not only limited to
romance, bonding through touch occurs
with family, friends, babies, etc.
This is common in many species.
Most primates use touching for bonding
rituals. But you shouldn’t try to duplicate
all primate behavior. Capuchin monkeys
stick fingers up each other’s noses for
long periods70 (not recommended for
humans on the first date).
We need touch more than men do.
Researchers Barbara and Allan Pease71
found that “Western women are four to
six times more likely to touch another
woman in a social conversation than a
man is likely to touch another man.”
When we women get angry we say,
“Don’t touch me!” Now you know why.

— RULE OF DATING —

Under stress guys avoid touch,

but women need it — not for
sex, but for intimacy.

Touch doesn’t mean much to him, but

it’s very important to us because even
though the human skin has 2.8 million
receptors for pain, 200,000 for cold and
500,000 for touch, our skin is ten times
more sensitive than his!
There are two very good reasons:

He evolved running through

 jungles, hunting and warring…
but we evolved cuddling and
hugging children
Estrogen facilitates Oxytocin
reactions. His minimal estrogen
level diminishes the effect for
him…until he ejaculates.
Because of its powerful and
contradictory effects on us, I call
Oxytocin “God’s second joke (Estrogen
is His first).” Deciding how to evaluate
the impact of Oxytocin as good or bad
depends on your situation, your state of
mind, and most importantly, who you’re
with at the moment. Sometimes we want
to bond, and sometimes we don’t. A low
Oxytocin level makes us less likely to
bond with a guy, and that’s OK as long
as his level is low too. But if his
Oxytocin is high enough, you could wind
up with a stalker. Vice-versa and you’ll
just become another chapter in a “he’s
just not that into you” story.

How He Gets You To Fall In

Love – PEA
PEA (phenyl ethylamine), a natural
amphetamine which occurs at the end of
nerve cells, emerges as another
biochemical culprit for seducing us by
helping impulses jump between neurons
in our brains and creating that lovin’
feeling. Ever found yourself behaving
like a hopeless romantic? Singing in the
shower? Walking on air with your heart
racing, palms sweating, pupils dilating
and a funny feeling in your stomach?
That’s PEA at work. If a guy can
increase our level of PEA, he’s ready to
seduce us! A high PEA level does
interesting things to our body:

Pulls us into infatuation like

we’re on a speed drug feeling
elation, exhilaration and
euphoria.
Makes us do stupid things like
stay up all night to watch the
sunrise in the morning with him
before we have breakfast and
finally go to sleep.
 Diminishes our appetite. That’s
why we eat less when we fall in
love — better than Atkins! That’s
also why PEA is used in diet
pills.
Makes us absentminded, giddy,
optimistic and gregarious.
But PEA can also make us lovesick.
A couple psychiatrists, Dr. Michael
Liebowitz of the New York State
Psychiatric Institute and his colleague
Dr. Donald Klein, think that love-
sickness in people may be due to PEA
depletion causing craving for more of it,
just as if someone was addicted to crack
or heroin. People with this addiction
seek any kind of love affair and, when it
ends badly, fall into depression and
broken heartedness. Then, in
desperation, they seek a new fix in
another bad relationship. By stimulating
PEA production in such people,
scientists have found that these addicts
actually stabilize. After years of
unsuccessful therapy to “get in touch”
with himself, PEA treatments finally
prompted one guy to start choosing
partners more carefully and avoid the
chronic love affair disasters to which he
had previously subjected himself.72
PEA is great for feeling in love.
Unfortunately, there’s a down-side. After
two to three years in a relationship, love
wanes because our brains can’t maintain
the revved up state from PEA rushes for
an extended period of time. Relationship
experts tell you he’s “just not interested”
or “he fell out of love,” but they fail to
explain why. Well, now you know. The
feeling of falling in love is the result of a
natural biological mechanism…and an
effective design for genetic replication.
PEA can’t be stimulated as easily as
touching. We have to ingest it. Lucky for
guys, they can get us to ingest it quite
easily. PEA is readily available in the
local food store in diet soft drinks and
chocolates! That’s why evolution
designed guys to bring chocolates on a
date! You think men are being romantic,
but they’re just trying to adjust our
biochemical levels.
Can you increase PEA levels in a
guy? Sure, just like OXYTOCIN, it
spikes naturally in his bloodstream
during, of course, orgasm.

— RULE OF DATING —

Falling in love never lasts.

Eventually nerve endings
become habituated and PEA
levels drop. Evolution designed
you to mate briefly, not long-
term,
and is why longer-term
relationships require much
more work.
DATING TOOLKIT
#4: What To Expect
When Sex Is Imminent
– Darwin's Mating
Dance Map

No matter what the romantics and

poets say, falling in love results from a
hormonal potion evolution designed to
drive you to — you guessed it —
increase your genetic replication rate.
This biochemical formula produces a
brilliant mating dance. The best way to
use this is to be aware of it so you don’t
follow it blindly. Knowing what to
expect provides you with more control
and better mate-selection choices. The
steps to the dance are:

1. You show up on his radar.

2. He gets enchanted by you and
his testosterone drives him to
3. lust for you.
4. You capture him into a dating
relationship because you read
this book!
5. On a later date, you are alone
 and as you get physically
closer, your pheromones are
detected, which actuate other
biological processes in his
body and hopefully yours.
6. At some point, sex may
become imminent. If so, read
the rest.
7. Nitric oxide is produced to
give him an erection.
8. Oxytocin releases and PEA
spikes causing him an orgasm
and he suddenly finds himself
inside an intense loving
experience.
9. He wants to bond with you
endlessly as he realizes you
are his soul mate and he
 finally wants you forever by
his side in the most
passionate and committed
relationship.
10. Vasopressin kicks in making
him focus intensely on only
you and he “falls in love.”
11. Feeling fades away in about
seven seconds.
12. Nitric Oxide subsides in his
bloodstream and his erection
goes soft.
13. Your Oxytocin stays high and
causes you to feel an even
deeper love and bonding with
him as his Oxytocin drops
making him feel distant and
drowsy while his testosterone
 causes him to want to be
alone again. He rolls over
and falls asleep.
14. His Vasopressin also returns
to normal. But is he into you?
a. If his Vasopressin is low,
he’s thinking about how to
leave without getting you
angry, and will wonder what
your name was several
weeks later.
b. If his Vasopressin is high
he’ll be a candidate for
monogamy. With high
Oxytocin, you’ll greatly
bond into a perfect couple.
Apologies if this sounded cold and
distant. Describing the elements of the
human mating dance in such a
straightforward, logical and scientific
manner makes many women angry. It
seems that Evolution’s cold, selfish hand
rarely engenders warm feelings inside
us. Guys, on the other hand, just wonder
what all the fuss is about. One time when
reviewing this research data with a
mixed group, the women started yelling
in protest about how this isn’t the way it
is and it should never be published. But
the guys? They all said, “Finally,
somebody said it!”
Yet despite the wide chasm that exists
between the sexes in our perceptions of
what happens as we meet and mate, for
some reason women from Venus
continue to fall in love with men from
Mars. They have relationships that
deepen into intimacy, and often into
marriage; marriages that sometimes
prosper for decades. Only now, at long
last, we have an explanation of what is
REALLY happening, and why it happens.
DATING TOOLKIT
#5: How To Tell If He
Loves You? The Love
Test Method

Are relationships just a cold sexual

replication agenda driven by genetic
warfare? What about falling in love? We
want to bang our heads against a wall
hearing that guys see most of the
relationship as sexual. But don’t
interpret this as devaluing you as a
person; such thoughts reinforce eating
disorders and encourage women to risk
their lives with dangerous surgeries so
they can look sexy. Avoiding or denying
the obvious, however, hasn’t worked
either, has it? Sure, men seek other
virtues than sex in a woman…when they
want kids and need help making sure
their genetic material survives and
prospers. But not now. You’re just
dating.

When in “dating mode,”

virtuous qualities in a mate are
the last thing on a man’s mind;
even though they might be the
first ones on yours!
Until you accept this, his
sexual agenda can be
downright hurtful.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if love and
romance also fit in with evolutionary
genetics? Wouldn’t be great if somehow
our warm passions and deep longings
could also be found in the cold, shallow
findings from our laboratories and
sweaty field research teams?
Good news. Even though man’s
insatiable sexual intensity can be
validated, so can romance novels and
heartfelt longings. The problem with
finding love is that we’ve been ignoring
our biology, as if our culture can
override it and make it vanish into
history. If this were possible then we
wouldn’t be so shocked when our phone
doesn’t ring, or he gawks at another
woman, or a respected leader of church
or state is caught with his pants down.
The point is that it’s not possible to
ignore biology. But instead of allowing
this to unconsciously influence us, we
can accept it and use it to our advantage.
That’s why we wrote this book. Finally,
what has been missing in our attempts to
find and keep a satisfying relationship
with all the warmth and cherishing that
brings can now be developed on the
genetic foundation we’ve built so far.

Is Love in Our Genetic

Nature, or Just Nurtured by
Our Culture?
Are we driven by our biology or
nurtured by our culture to fall in love.
Well, arguing genetics versus cultural
norms will linger for years, but recent
research answers the question: love is
also genetically designed into our
biology. This makes sense. Without love
and romance humans would stop sex
altogether; and we hardly get along now
anyway. Have you checked out the
grocery store magazines that expose the
latest break-ups?
But in the middle of this war and the
dysfunctional relationships that consume
our gossip columns, something truly
amazing happens. Even though nature
designed our bodies for battle…it also
designed us to fall in love. Falling in
love is part of the great Darwinian game,
a game so powerful that our species
produces abundant literature on the
topic. We spend billions annually on
love and romance. Love stories
permeate the stage, the movies,
television, even art and music, while
bestsellers about finding that special
“soul-mate” abound.
 — RULE OF DATING —

We are designed for cold,

selfish sex, but our hearts are
programmed for love.
Perhaps this paradox drives
our survival as a species.

You see, love and romance are not

contrary to our biology, they are
designed for it! What do you think
inspires us to mate anyway! Sex, love
and emotional attachment share so much
of the same hormone and brain
configurations that some scientists think
our “love” emotions were absolutely
critical for our evolutionary survival.
 — RULE OF DATING —

Love’s got a lot to do with it!

Otherwise, we wouldn’t mate
at the rate we do!
Love ensures successfully
genetic replication.

A Definition of Love,
Finally
How can we define love? It would be
a shame to venture this far without
addressing the loaded question that has
filled philosophy books for over five
thousand years. We’ve looked
extensively at how and why love occurs
the way it does for humans — but what
exactly is love? Some say that it’s a
story we invent and then we seek
someone who can fill that story. Others
say it’s about compatibility and how
love can be manufactured from that. But
wouldn’t it be great if we had something
more solid: a definition that is concrete
and measurable? With evolutionary
genetics we can finally create that
definition by first realizing that:

— RULE OF DATING —

Love is what females give sex

for.
Sex is what guys give love for.
 This can make us angry, but
suspending our anger just a bit allows a
deeper question. Is it so wrong to think
that women give sex in order to get and
keep love? And that guys give love in
order to get and keep sex? Accepting
this exchange of love and sex brings us
to a powerful definition of love itself.
Research in this area uncovered
probably the best definition for love
ever developed:

— THE DEFINITION OF LOVE —

“The only way you know you

love yourself or anyone else is
by the contracts you are
 willing to make and keep.”

That’s it. Love is saying “I will do

it,” and meaning what you say and doing
what you mean. The type of agreements
we are willing to make with each other,
and how well we keep those agreements,
is perhaps the clearest measure of love.
So, do you love him?

Have you kept your agreements with

him?
Has he with you?
“There is no such thing as an older woman. Any
woman of any age, if she loves, if she is good,
gives a man a sense of the infinite.”
— Jules Michelet (1798–1874)
DATING TOOLKIT
#6: How To Protect
YOU!!! – The Birth
Control Debate
Solution

If you choose sex remember that,

much more than him, you’re really
choosing to conceive or not. In other
words, you’re choosing to commit to a
family or not. He can split, you can’t.
This is a critical choice given how
effective our species is in creating more
little humans.

Playing Russian Roulette with your

eggs and a guy not ready to be a dad
and support you is a failure of his
manhood and your common sense.

Be a Pro When It Comes to

Procreation
Humans are in heat constantly, not
seasonally like other mammals. So when
you mate with him, remember your body
doesn’t know about modern-day cultural
taboos; it’s still operating seven millions
years before Trojans (the condom, not
the army). So, make sure to use birth
control when you’re mating. If you doubt
how effective our replication rate is, we
refer you to the insights from Dawkins
book The Selfish Gene.81 Our capacity
to procreate is so well honed that he
calculated the replication rate of Latin
America’s three hundred million people;
many undernourished, and found that if
this population continued to increase at
its present rate:

In five hundred years, they would

carpet the whole continent standing
shoulder-to-shoulder,
In one thousand years, each of these
 people would have one million
other people standing on top of his
or her shoulders,
In two thousand years, this mountain
of people would have expanded at
the speed of light and reached the
edge of the known universe.
This should answer any doubts you
have about your ability to become
impregnated. And if you need more
evidence, remember that studies show
Latin American culture supports using
birth control!82 Worldwide, people are
having kids when they don’t want them
or when their society cannot support
them.
Convincing people to use more birth
control would be great, but many in a
politically correct society feel that birth
control is immoral and unnatural. That
we shouldn’t use it ourselves, or
certainly not provide it to other
countries. They prefer more natural
methods. The only problem is they don’t
know nature’s natural methods.

Natural Methods?
If you happen to meet these people
advocating natural methods of birth
control, please inform them that
“natural” methods for managing
overpopulation are:

Starvation
 Plague
War
Clearly, contraception is unnatural,
but highly preferable to the alternatives.
The United Nation’s latest forecast of the
world’s population in 2050 has dropped
from 9.4 billion to 8.9 billion and is
expected to stabilize at 9 billion by
2300. This is due to women having
fewer children, but also due to war,
starvation and, of course, disease —
primarily AIDS. Fortunately this
prevents the world’s population hitting
134 trillion!83
Politically, some believe we should
still let replication continue and argue
“but we are civilized and have created
welfare to help these people so they
don’t have to use birth control.” Let’s
review this logic. Birth control is
unnatural, but welfare isn’t? Saving the
children, but not stopping their parents
from having more children is a solution?
Unfortunately this philosophy only
temporarily delays an uncomfortable and
inevitably miserable death for
millions.84
People who are against birth control
never suffered from starvation, plague,
or war (and have likely been spared the
luxury of welfare dependency).
However, the millions that have suffered
would vote for birth control, but…
they’re dead. I’m not saying that people
who have more children than they can
afford are consciously putting the world
at risk; they’re probably just ignorant of
the consequences. It’s the intelligent,
educated leaders and institutions
allowing the practice who are
responsible for this situation.

Ancient Practices
Birth control is not a new modern
“unnatural” invention:

For centuries women have

been placing fruit, leaves,
even crocodile dung, in
their vaginas to prevent
pregnancy.
A whole range of herbal
drugs were commonly used
for birth control in ancient
Greece and Rome.
Evidence of chemical
contraception stretches
back as far back as four
thousand years ago to
writings on Egyptian
papyri.
Juvenal, the Roman
satirist, wrote about how
“we have surefire
contraceptives” 2,000
years ago.
Over 2,000 years ago
Pliny suggested rubbing
sticky gum over the penis
before intercourse for birth
control.
The use of a sheath to
cover the penis has been
known even before Roman
times.
Gabrielle Fallopius
designed the first
medicated linen sheath in
the 1500s, but the item
took its name from the
personal physician to King
Charles II, the Earl of
Condom, who
recommended its use as an
aid to prevent the
contraction of syphilis.
 Nature’s best birth control method,
however, is something we still use today
— Stress. Miscarriages and missed
fertilizations increase dramatically with
female stress, which is sometimes
manifested as anorexia — an effective
way to stop ovulation and menstruation.
(The majority of anorexics — 75 percent
— emerge from the condition to live a
normal and healthy life.)
Throughout human history, “natural”
family planning has been and still is
infanticide. In hunter-gatherer tribes,
about 7% of children are killed by their
mothers. According to the World Health
Organization, this was the prevalent
form of family planning in late 19th-
century Britain. Tragically, we still see
this in our species when a mother kills
her children because she cannot raise
them due to a new boyfriend, poor
financial situation, depression (likely
from environment or biochemical
imbalance), close births, twins, lack of a
helpful mate, pair-bond instability, lack
of resources, etc. These are horrible
episodes that are not acceptable and a
sign that we need to understand our
genetic nature better so that we can
prevent such tragedies in the future.
Surprisingly, humans are not the only
mammals practicing birth control.
Female chimpanzees, for example, know
when to chew certain leaves that contain
contraceptive chemicals. Amazingly,
without modern contraceptives, our
hunter-gatherer ancestors were able to
plan families and raised only three to
four children in their lifetimes. Some,
such as the Andamanese, were able to
delay their first child until the woman
was about 28 years old.85

Modern Challenges
Women’s designed effective
contraceptive devices to prevent
unwanted pregnancies in undesirable
situations as a practice of “family
planning” for thousands of years.
Modern women inherited these traits
from their mammalian ancestors.
Ironically, however, our “modern”
contraceptives don’t seem to be doing
the job. Just look at their failure rate.

Every year 3% of women have an

abortion in the U.S.; according to
the Center for Disease Control
and Prevention over one million
abortions were performed in the
U. S. in 1995.
Estimates elsewhere are ten
million abortions in China, four
million in Russia, 300,000 in
Japan and about 150,000 in
England and Wales.
According to the World Health
Organization, 50% of all
pregnancies worldwide are
unplanned and 25% are
“certainly unwanted.”86
 More irony…Modern technology
eliminated one of the most effective
natural contraceptives — lactation.
Evolution made it difficult for
breastfeeding women to conceive. It is
hard enough to carry one child while
walking long distances or gathering
food, water and firewood. Carrying two
kids would make it impossible. So
evolution produced our genetic design to
delay fertilization during the
breastfeeding cycle, which turns out to
be about four years. Why that length of
time? Because at that time the child can
walk on its own. Unfortunately, thanks to
modern technology, bottle-feeding
eliminates this natural contraception, so
women can now become fertile much
earlier than four years after a birth.
Our modern lifestyle eliminates yet
another natural contraceptive — youth.
The sedentary life, fatty diets and high
body weights of our young modern
females has removed the natural birth
control of irregular ovulation know as
adolescent subfertility. This is why our
obese and out of shape girls can now get
pregnant much younger, many having
kids as young as age 13 today versus age
16 in 1900
But what about guys? What is a guy’s
natural contraceptive? Well, it’s heat.
Testicles remain outside his body
(obviously the worse place to protect the
family jewels) for one reason — they
are thermal sensitive. They need to be
cooler than then his body, because if they
were kept at body temperature his sperm
production would fail completely. When
his balls get warmer, sperm count goes
down. This is why bakers, welders and
furnace workers all have low sperm
counts, as well as taxi-drivers and
white-collar desk workers who spend
all day sitting. This is also true for guys
who wear sexy thong underwear, which
keep their balls shoved up against their
body.
Oh, yeah. Another birth control device
guys use:

They wage war.

DATING TOOLKIT
#7: Is He Mr. Right
for the Long Term? –
Mammalian Selection
Methods

Understanding how to captivate him

and avoid the dangers of seduction
eventually leads you to the final decision
– is he the right one? He may have the
success characteristics you seek, but
does he have the genetic fit for your
biology? Fortunately, nature gives you
the tools to figure this out. Understanding
them helps you choose Mr. Right more
effectively.
Because the scientific evidence in
this section may be inappropriate for
younger readers or adults who are
uncomfortable with discussing explicit
sexual activity, it has been removed and
the research data made available on our
website:

www.sraleadership.com/DrPatAllen
If you are interested, this article
reviews recent scientific determinations
of genetic-fit between dating partners
using mammalian methods involving
sweat, kissing, and oral sex. Some of the
elements discussed include biological,
genetic revelations behind the following
historical events:

Napoleon’s note to Josephine “I

will be arriving in Paris
tomorrow evening. Don’t wash.”
In Shakespeare’s day, why a girl
kept a slice of apple under her
armpits during dances and then
gave it to the guy of their choice
at the end of the evening so he
could inhale this “love apple.”
In 1572, why Henry III of France
inadvertently left his sweat-
stained hanky in the cloakroom at
the Louvre, the beautiful young
Mary of Cleve found it and from
that moment she conceived for
him “the most violent passion.”
In Greece and the Balkans, why
men carry handkerchiefs under
their armpits during festivals and
offer them to the women they
invite to dance (they swear by the
results).
Why 19th century French novelist
Joris Karl Huysmans followed
women through fields to smell
them, later writing that the scent
from their underarms “easily
uncaged the animal in man.”
Conclusion
We’re not extinct…yet. But until then,
you now know the genetic secrets for
getting a guy to date you. Despite all the
differences between our genders, we
like the philosophy of Richard Dawkins:

Let us try to teach generosity and

altruism, because we are born selfish.
Let us understand what our own
selfish genes are up to, because we
may then at least have the chance to
upset their designs, something that no
other species has ever aspired to…we,
alone on earth, can rebel against the
tyranny of the selfish replicators.87
And rebel we can! Our behavior is
not inevitably controlled by our genetic
influences; nor can we just paint over
our biology with new cultural meanings.
Monogamy or infidelity, violence or
tranquility, jealousy or indifference…
men are not doomed to uncontrollable
lust for multiple mates, and women are
not doomed to scoff at men for feeling
that way. On the other hand, new
discoveries in genetics and evolution
can help us understand why these sexual
tensions occur and make more civilized
choices, rather than simply comply with
those delegated to us by evolution.
Fortunately, many of these choices are
already available: birth control, fertility
drugs, cyber-sex, video dating, sperm
banks, test-tube babies, breast implants,
tummy tucks and soon, human cloning.
Dr. Helen Fisher said it best:
Our contemporary marriage patterns
are a testament to the triumph of
culture and personality over natural
human tendencies…Just about every
reproductive strategy known —
except random promiscuity — is
practiced by someone, somewhere.
Some of us even choose celibacy or
childlessness — genetic death. So
malleable an animal is man.88
 These new choices offer us
unparalleled possibilities to
revolutionize ourselves. Our species has
now developed new control over our
mating behaviors, the proportion of
which has been unprecedented in human
evolution. Never before, in three and a
half billion years, has any species on
earth sought to understand its genetic
program, or seek to upset it, to rebel
against its selfish replicating genes.

Remain unconscious of our genetic

program and risk following our
species’ million-year-old course. Wake
up to this program and find the power
to override and even alter our
evolutionary trajectory.
 We see this impact today. Never
before have we had the choice to
“choose” our family. Now we can. We
are no longer fated to be with our blood-
family, and many have abandoned the
Waltons’ design of our forefathers.
Divorce rates and successful single
moms and dads are the result of different
choices. If the kids spend holidays with
non-bloods and we party with friends
instead of family, so be it. Some of us
now even choose to live alone or
childless, or to relate on the internet
instead of face-to-face — an electronics
surrogate for physical communication
and relationships. We now or very soon
will have the power to alter marriage,
genetics, parenthood, aging, and even
death.
Ultimately, romance and lust are not
accidents, but specific designs to
encourage replication of genetic
material. Which brings us to an
important point:

Even though we will continue to mate,

let’s make sure we do it without
harming civilization, our partners, or
ourselves.
The choice is ours. Let’s leave our
children good ground to grow upon, and
make our time with each other
worthwhile. Let us:

Be fruitful.
Be kind.
 Be loved.
And never fight the fights none of us
ever wanted to fight anyway.
ABOUT THE
AUTHORS
Dr. Pat Allen
Dr. Pat Allen is a Marriage and
Family Therapist (MFT), Certified
Addictions Specialist, and Cognitive
Behavior Therapist. She is also the
Founder of the WANT® Institute,
“Educators of Effective Communication
Strategies” based on Transactional
Analysis, and a woman who doesn’t
care at all about your feelings. She
cautions that “Feelings, or your Pain, is
just an indicator of change needed, or
change in progress.” Often called “The
Love Doctor,” she has a worldwide
reputation for being politically incorrect
– but scientifically accurate.
Dr. Pat’s been a guest on hundreds of
radio and television shows, including
four appearances on Oprah, and is
author of the best-selling woman’s
survival manuals Getting To “I Do” and
Staying Married and Loving It. Rev.
Michael Beckwith from the movie The
Secret recognizes Dr. Allen as “a rare
gift for our society,” and relationship
experts Marianne Williamson and Dr.
John Grey credit her as an enriching
influence in their own lives.
 Dr Pat Allen has the answer to the
question: How can men and women
learn to successfully relate in this new
millennium of confusing sexual roles,
cyber-dating and demands for crippling
political correctness? By studying how
male and female energies interact, she
has established clear and concise
techniques that either sex can use to
achieve greater intimacy in any
relationship. This goes for anyone:
straight, gay, or lesbian. Her patented
technique of Androgynous Semantic
Realignment has helped thousands of
women to escape from unsatisfying
relationships and finally make it to the
altar through her books, workshops, and
her weekly audience-participation show
on male-female relationships that she’s
hosted in Los Angeles for the past 34
years – yes, that’s every week for 34
years!
Do you feel he's just not that into you?
Dr. Pat Allen will show you how to stop
doing a Slam Dance with your
significant other, and start doing a
Romantic Waltz! For more information
on Dr. Pat Allen’s books, CDs, DVDs,
workshops and seminars, visit
www.DrPatAllen.com or call 310-390-
4767.
Don Schmincke
Don began his career as a scientist
and engineer, but after graduating from
MIT and Johns Hopkins University he
became fascinated with how people
perform in groups (leadership-wise, that
is, not sexually). Studying anthropology
and evolutionary genetics, he ultimately
discovered that most management
theories fail because they don’t take into
account basic biological factors. The
scientist in him prompted him into a new
career: challenging conventional
management theory and innovating ways
to make the human machine more robust
and successful.
Since then, Don’s work in guiding
executive leadership has been
recognized by the American
Management Association, as well as
CNN, The Wall Street Journal, USA
Today, Industry Week and over 60
industry publications. In addition, he’s
appeared on hundreds of radio and
television programs worldwide, while
his “Schmincke Research Alliance” (a
nonprofit education center) workshops
advance thousands of CEOs and
executives every year towards
extraordinary results by awakening
exceptional leadership using timeless
methods and ancient wisdom.
His irreverent humor and
unconventional methods make him a
refreshing change to common, status-quo
management experts, and have
established him as a consultant renegade
and top speaker for the world’s largest
CEO member organization. Don lives in
Baltimore, where he’s on the faculty of
Johns Hopkins and has enjoyed inflicting
his unconventional techniques on
innocent graduate students.
Among his top-selling management
leadership books are High Altitude
Leadership: What the World's Most
Forbidding Peaks Teach Us About
Success and The Code of the Executive:
Forty-seven Ancient Samurai Principles
Essential for Twenty-first Century
Leadership Success.
Learn more about his unique
approaches to management excellence at
www.SRAleadership.com
 APPENDIX
SCIENTIFIC
RESEARCH
FOOTNOTES
The Science
Behind The Book
INTRODUCTION
1 Napoleon Hill, Think And Grow Rich,
originally published in 1937.

CHAPTER 1
2 Research of Dr. Eric Vilain, Professor of
Human Genetics, Pediatrics and Urology as
published Oct. 2003 in the Journal of
Molecular Brain Research.
3 Research by Dr. Nancy Forger,
Psychologist at the University of
Massachusetts at Amherst.
4 Buss, David M. (2000), Dangerous
Passion: Why Jealousy Is As Necessary As
Love and Sex. New York: The Free Press,
p.224.
5 Based on Nov. 4, 2003 issue of the
American Heart Association journal
Circulation and the work of Dr. Nieca
Goldberg, cardiologist at Lenox Hill
Hospital in New York, as reported 11/4/03
in the New York Daily News.
6 Based on a University of California at
Berkeley study of lesbians from interviews
of 720 adults at street festivals in San
Francisco, published in the journal Nature,
March/April 2000.
7 From research quoted by Dr. Margaret
McCarthy, a physiologist at the University
of Maryland School of Medicine at
Baltimore, reported by the Associated
Press.
8 I’d love to find out who started this
internet list that hit the email circuit. Very
creative.
9 Pease, Barbara and Allen (1998), Why
Men Don’t Listen and Women Can’t Read
Maps: How We’re Different and What To
Do About It. New York: Broadway Books, p.
149; and Benderly, B.L. (1987), The Myth
of Two Minds: What Gender Means and
Doesn’t Mean. New York: Doubleday.
10 McGuiness, D. (1976), Sensory Biases
in Cognitive Development. Male-Female
Differentiation: A Bio-Cultural Perspective.
New York: Praeger.
11 Kimua, D. (1989), “How sex hormones
boost or cut intellectual ability,”
Psychology Today, Nov., pp.63-66; plus
Weiss, R.S., “Women’s skills linked to
estrogen levels,” Science News 134:341.
12 Benbow, C.P. and L.C. Stanley (1980),
“Sex differences in mathematical ability:
facts or artifact?” Science 210:1234-36,
and (1983), “Sex differences in
mathematical reasoning ability: more
facts,” Science 222:1029-31.
13 Leder, G.C. (1990), Gender Differences
in Mathematics: An Overview. Mathematics
and Gender. New York: Aldine.
14 Michael Gurian, What Could He Be
Thinking? How a Man’s Mind Really Works.
15 Often noted by Dr. Howard Gardner,
Professor of Cognition and Education at
Harvard University and author of Leading
Minds: An Anatomy of Leadership.

CHAPTER 2
16 Joann Ellison Rodgers as she wrote in
her book Sex: A Natural History. Henry
Holt, 2001.
17 Margulis, Lynn, and Dorion Sagan
(2002), Acquiring Genomes: A Theory of
the
Origins of Species. New York: Basic
Books, Inc., p.52.
18 As reported in Fast Company magazine,
Feb. 2003, p.100.
19 “Why Productive Fades With Age: The
Crime-Genius Connection.” Study
published in 2003 in the Journal of
Research in Personality that examined the
lives of scientists, painters, jazz musicians,
authors and criminals.
20 Pease (1998), op. cit. Pease’s research
references an American study bearing this
out, p.161.
21 Gilligan, Carol (1982), In a Different
Voice: Psychological Theory and Women's
Development. Cambridge: Harvard
University Press.
22 Rodgers, Joann Ellison (2002), Sex: A
Natural History, New York: Times Books
(Henry Holt), p.xv.
23 Crenshaw, Theresa L. (1996), The
Alchemy of Love and Lust: How Our Sex
Hormones Influence Our Relationships.
New York: G.P. Putnam’s Sons, p.169.
24 Ibid.
25 Haselton, Martie G., and David M. Buss
(2000). “Error management theory: A new
perspective on biases in cross-sex mind
reading,” Journal of Personality and Social
Psychology 78:81–91. Reprinted in
Kenrick, D.T. (Ed.), (2004).
The functional Mind: Readings in
Evolutionary Psychology.
Needham Heights,
MA: Allyn & Bacon
26 Remember that study the Pease’s
referenced.

CHAPTER 3
27 Barash, David, and Judith Eve Lipton
(2001), The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity
and Infidelity in Animals and People. New
York: Henry Holt and Company, LLC, p.64.
28 Viet, O.G. (1982), “Gorilla society,”
Natural History, March p.45-58.
29 Fisher, Helen E. (1992), Anatomy of
Love: The Mysteries of Mating, Marriage
and
Why We Stray. United States: Ballantine
Books, p.251.
30 “Mother and child disunion,” Science
News 3/20/04 on the research of Arthur
Wolf, Stanford University Anthropologist
and chronicled in Current Anthropology,
Dec. 2003.
31 Fisher, op. cit. p.48.

CHAPTER 4
32 Ellis, B.J. and Symons, D. (1990), “Sex
differences in fantasy: an evolutionary
psychological approach,” Journal of Sex
Research, 27:527–556.
33 Buss (2000), op. cit. p. 139.
34 Kenrick, Douglas, Sara E. Gutierres, and
Laurie L. Goldberg (1989), “Influence of
popular erotica on judgments of strangers
and mates,” Journal of Experimental Social
Psychology, 25:159–67.
35 “Miller Lite’s ‘Catfight’ ad angers some
viewers,” by Michael McCarthy, USA Today
1/14/2003.
36 Buddha, The Connected Discourses of
the Buddha.
37 “But do girls want to be fancied by men
behaving sadly?” by Melanie
McDonagh, Evening Standard, Nov. 24,
1998.
38 Low, Bobbi S. (2000), Why Sex Matters:
A Darwinian Look at Human Behavior,
New Jersey: Princeton University Press,
p.85–86.
39 Wright, Robert (1994), The Moral
Animal: The New Science of Evolutionary
Psychology, New York: Vintage Books,
p.70.

CHAPTER 5
40 Fisher (1992), op. cit. p.26.
41 Ibid. p.20.
42 Another fun item from the flurry of
emails I got. Wish I knew who wrote it.
Brilliant.
43 Hall, E.T. (1996), The Hidden
Dimension. New York, Anchor Books.
44 Fisher (1992), op. cit. p.39.
CHAPTER 6
45 Buss, David (1994), The Evolution of
Desire: Strategies of Human Mating, New
York: BasicBooks.
46 Wright (1994), op. cit. p.64.
47 Barash (2001), op. cit. p.54.
48 Research from a team of Scottish and
Japanese researchers as reported in the
journal Nature in June, 1999.
49 “Men and women, sex and Darwin,” by
Natalie Angier, New York Times
Magazine 2/21/1999; in the article she
refers to David Buss’ research.
50 Barash, David and Judith Eve Lipton
(2001), The Myth of Monogamy: Fidelity
and Infidelity in Animals and People. New
York: Henry Holt and Company, LLC, p. 92.
51 Buss, David (1994), The Evolution of
Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. New
York: Basic Books, p. 85.
52 The handicap theory is explained in
“Mate selection—a selection for a
handicap,” Journal of Theoretical Biology
53:205-214 (1975) and “The cost of
honesty” 67:603-605.
53 Barash (2001), op. cit. p.76.
54 Ibid. p.50.
55 Research of David Blanchflower of
Dartmouth College and Andrew Oswald of
Warwick University in Great Britain as
published by the National Bureau of
Economic Research and based on a
University of Chicago database of a survey
from 1988 to 2002 of 16,000 Americans.
56 Sommers, Christina Hoff (2000), The
War Against Boys: How Misguided
Feminism Is Harming Our Young Men. New
York: Simon & Schuster.
57 Crenshaw (1996), op. cit. p.166.
58 Buss, David (1994), The Evolution of
Desire: Strategies of Human Mating. New
York: Basic Books, chapter 5.
59 From a 1991 study at the University of
Engee in Turkey.
60 Fisher (1992), op. cit. p.163.
61 Based on study by neuroscientist Lucy
Brown and colleagues at Stony Brook and
Rutgers Universities, as well as British
studies as mentioned in the Toronto Star,
2/14/03 in the article “Love arises in the
unconscious.”
62 Research of neurobiologists Andreas
Bartels and Semir Zeki of University
College London in analyzing brain scans of
people in love.
63 From the research of Helen Fisher,
anthropologist at Rutgers University, as
reported in the journal
Neuroendocrinology, Dec. 2002.
64 Shostak, M. (1981), Nisa: The Life and
Words of a !Kung Woman. New York,
Random House.
65 Jankowiak, W. R. and E. F. Fischer
(1992), “A cross-cultural perspective on
romantic love,” Ethnology 31 (no.2):149–
55. 66 Janov, Arthur (2000), The Biology of
Love. New York: Prometheus Books, p.292.
67 Crenshaw (1996), op. cit. p.4.
68 C. Sue Carter is Distinguished
University Professor in the Department of
Biology at the University of Maryland and
is a guest researcher at the National
Institutes of Health. She is widely
recognized for her research in the hormone
mechanisms that determine monogamous
behavior in mammals.
69 Janov (2000), op. cit. p.300.
70 As reported by Susan Perry,
primatologist at the Max Planck Institute
for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig,
Germany in Science News, 4/3/04, vol.165.
71 From their book Why Men Don’t Listen
and Women Can’t Read Maps.
72 Fisher (1992), op. cit. p.54.

CHAPTER 7
73 Watson, Lyall (2000), Jacobson’s Organ
and the Remarkable Nature of Smell. New
York: Penguin Putnam, Inc, 87.
74 The research is described very well in a
book of the same name by Lyall Watson.
Neurogeneticists have actually isolated the
human gene that encodes for a pheromone
receptor in the mucous lining of the nose,
connecting it to the functionality of the
VNO receptor, and call it V1RL1.
75 As reported in the March Proceedings of
the National Academy of Sciences of
research by Liman and Innan as well as
research by Jianzhi Zhang and David Webb
of the University of Michigan Ann Arbor.
76 Researcher Martha McClintock, as
presented to an annual meeting of the
American Psychological Association.
77 Watson (2000), op. cit. p.87.
78 Reported in Nature Genetics, Feb.,
2002, on the research of Dr. Carole Ober
and Dr. Martha K. McClintock.
79 Watson (2000), op. cit. p. 106.
80 Ibid. p.110.

CHAPTER 8
81 Dawkins, Richard (1989), The Selfish
Gene. Oxford: Oxford University Press,
p.111.
82 Research according to the Pew Research
Center for People and the Press based on
38,000 interviews in 44 countries. Nicole
Speulda, Project Director.
83 “World population to level off,” reported
12/9/2003 in USA Today.
84 Dawkins (1989), op cit. p.111.
85 Baker, Robin (2000), Sex in the Future:
The Reproductive Revolution and How It
Will Change Us. New York: Arcade
Publishing, Inc., p.171.
86 Ibid. p.184.
CHAPTER 10
87 Dawkins (1989), op. cit. pp.3,201.
88 Fisher (1992), op. cit. p.161.
 i Research of Dr. Eric Vilain, professor of
human genetics pediatrics and urology as
published in the Journal of Molecular Brain
Research,
ii Buss, David (2000), The Dangerous
Passion: Why Jealousy is as Necessary as Love
and Sex, New York: The Free Press, p 224.
iii Based on Nov 4, 2003 issue of
Circulation and the work of Dr. B.Nieca
Goldberg, cardiologist at Lenox Hill Hospital
in New York as reported in Daily News
11/4/03.
iv Based on a University of California at
Berkeley study of lesbians published in
March/April 2000 in the journal Nature from
interviews of 720 adults at street festivals in
San Francisco.
v I’d love to find out who started this
internet list that hit the email circuit. Very
creative.
vi From research quoted by Dr. Margaret
McCarthy, a physiologist at the University of
Maryland School of Medicine at Baltimore, in
the Associated Press.