QUEEN OF HEARTS
(Alice in Wonderland)
SCRIPT
Attention, attention! Inhabitants and subjects and all other direct or indirect
objects of Wonderland! Fall to your knees and tremble before Her Majestic
Majesty, Her Royal Regality... yes, folks, your favorite monarch of mean and
mine: the one, the only, Queen of Hearts! And just what do we have here, hmm?
Silence! We speak the Queen's English here, your nameless little whelp! What is
your name? Huh! Alice? Oh no! That's impossible. Everyone knows Alice doesn't
live here anymore! What is your intention why you way back home here? Your
way homes?? You'll find my way home... or we'll cut off your head! You'll be who
I say you are and no one else, do you understand? And don't you forget it. Now,
before you go anywhere, you'll have to beat me in Wonderland's favorite pastime.
My dear young girl, croquet is so nineteenth century. I want to play Simon Says! It
takes all the running you can do, to keep in the same place. If you want to get
somewhere else, you must run at least twice as fast as that. Now, I give you fair
warning, either you or your head must be off, and that in about half no time! Take
your choice!
Cards, halt! Count off! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten, Hum... Who's been painting my roses red? Who's been painting my roses red?
Who dares to taint, with vulgar paint, the royal flower bed? For painting my roses
red, someone will loose his head! You? Ace: No, Two! Queen: The Deuce you
say? That's enough! Off with their heads! Silence! And who is this? Why, it's a
little girl. Look up, speak nicely, and don't twiddle your fingers! Turn out your
toes. Hmhmhmhm. Now, um, where do you come from, and where are you going?
Your way? All ways here are my ways! Queen: Curtsey while you're thinking, it
saves time. I'll ask the questions! Do you play croquet? Yes? Then let the game
begin! In your places, in your places, By order of the king! Hurry, hurry, hurry!
Shuffle deck! Cards cut! Deal cards! Cards, halt! ... Silence! Off with his head!
You're next! Whom are you talking to? Cat? Where? I warn you child, if I lose my
temper, you lose your head, understand? Hmm. Very well then. Let the trial begin!
Now, Ha ha... are you ready for your sentence? Sentence first! Verdict afterwards.
What have you to say about this? Twinkle, twinkle, little bat. How I wonder...
That's the most important piece of evidence we've heard yet. Write that down! Off
with your hat!
