SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEAL ISSUE

OUR PRICE

CHEAP
No. 8 4
Jan. '64

-
 Ex-Life Insurance Policy Owner Elmer Greedy at a PONY Track

"Life insurance? I'd rather play the horses!''

"Because a PONY man showed me that betting to win makes a lot more sense."

'"When you buy "'Cash 'em in!' he said. 'Take the

life i n s u r a n c e , ' loot and come down to a PONY track PONY Ste?. THE

PONY man Rocky with me. I'll show you some gambling Dept. M 33 Aqueduct

Gumbah told me, that makes sense. When you bet on a Dream Street at Easy Street *>
A
Bookie
'You're b e t t i n g horse and win, you do the collecting, Pie-In-The-Sky, New York K
to lose! Mainly, not some crumby beneficiary!'" Please send me your free
4*
Claiming

the Company that booklet, "The ABC of

Stakes C
Korku Vumhah talks it OF HORSE
over with Elmer Greedy
issues you t h a t PONY M E N T A L K H O R S E SENSE Playing the Horses at PLAYING A T
PONY Tracks in N. Y. State" PONY TRACKS
Insurance Policy is making book you They'll be glad to discuss gambling with you,
stay alive—while you're betting you and short) you what kind of idiot you are for
kick off. Now what kind of a gamble buying life insurance. For more information
about PONY gambling, mail coupon at right.
is that? If you win, you lose! When
the pay-off comes, you ain't around

PONY
to collect!'
"'Hey, I never thought of it that
way, Rocky,' I said. 'But what do I CASH-ON-HAND AND IN BANKS

do with all the insurance policies CASH VALUE OK INSURANCE

that I've been paying premiums on?'
PARIMUTUELS OF NEW YORK
NUMBER 8 4 JANUARY 1 9 6 4 VITAL F E A T U R E S
FUTURE SINGING COMMERCIALS 4
An old song always brings
on nostalgia — until Madi-
son Avenue adapts it for
a new singing commercial.
'"Working on a job may not be as hard as it used to be, but it
Then it brings on nausea.
certainly is a lot more taxing /"—Alfred E. Neuman

WILIAM M . GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor

JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
CELEBRITIES' NIGHTMARES 8
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MECLIN associate editors While many famous people
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN laXVSuitS RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity J are literally living on
CI.ORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, NELSON TIRADO subscriptions 3 "Dream Street", a quick
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS ^2i\\ M turn of events could put
the usual gang of idiots • > S ^ V them in "Nightmare Alley."

DEPARTMENTS
SOME MAD HINTS FOR XMAS 10
ALICE IN WASTELAND DEPARTMENT
Jabber-Whacky 24 With this timely article,
MAD offers some helpful
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
suggestions for beating
The Lighter Side Of Cops 26 the Xmas rush, and sets
CLASH OF SYMBOLS DEPARTMENT you up for the bum's rush.
Trademarks Resulting From Future Mergers 16
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT A MAD GUIDE TO HYPNOTISM 18
The Epicure 13
An Early Morning Bathroom Scene 48 You'll see how hypnotism
works when you read this
HIRE EDUCATION DEPARTMENT article, because you'll
3 Sure-Fire Methods Of Getting A Job 30 start getting sleepy . . .
sleepy . . . very sleepy . . .
H O - H O - H O DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look At Santa 38
HOLLYWOOD DEPARTMENT THE LIGHTER SIDE OF COPS .26
More Movie Dialogue W e ' d Like To Hear 15
For his regular "Lighter
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT Side" spot in this issue,
Spy Vs. Spy 25, 32 Dave Berg takes a look at
Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 40 "Cops". And now, the cops
are looking for Dave Berg.
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2
LIGHTS, CAMERA, ECCCH-TION DEPARTMENT 3 METHODS OF GETTING A JOB .30
Academy Awards For Home Movies 33 MAD offers 3 sure-fire
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT methods of getting a job.
Drawn-Out Dramas ** If your boss catches you
reading the article, you
MAY I HAVE THE NEXT TRANCE DEPARTMENT may need the information.
A MAD Guide To Hypnotism 18
NAMES I N THE SNOOZE DEPARTMENT
Celebrities' Nightmares 8 AWARDS FOR HOME MOVIES 33
ST. NICK KNACKS DEPARTMENT While presenting Academy
Some MAD Hints For The Coming Xmas Season 10 Awards for Home Movies,
these pages accomplish
THE MELODY JINGLES ON DEPARTMENT what most home movies do
Future Singing Commercials 4 —they bore you to death.
WORKING FOR SCHOOLIE WAGES DEPARTMENT
Modern Teacher Magazine 41
**Various Places Around The Magazine MODERN TEACHER 41

M A D - J a n u o r y 1964 Vol. 1 , Number 84, is published monthly except February, May, August and November,
MAD's own version of a
by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, N e w York, N . Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid at magazine for teachers may
N e w York, N . Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 In the U.S. Elsewhere, $2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change
of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 1963 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and shed some light on why so
Editors w i l l not be responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by
a stamped self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in a l l M A D fiction a n d semi-
many school drop-outs are
fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. the teachers themselves.
 SEND LETTERS DEPT.
GOOD SPORTS
We, the greedy optometrists who be-

Ctjrtsitmas; long to the California Optometric Asso-

ciation, thank you for printing that blurry
ad on the inside front cover of your Oc-
tober issue, thereby causing some of your
stupid readers in this state to strain their

#reetmg# THE MASTERPIECE

eyes and rush to us so that we could over-
charge them for lenses and frames and
eye-drops and like that. Only thing is, we
liked the ad so much we kept reading and
re-reading it ourselves, and now most of
ALL YEAR 'ROUND! Congratulations on "The Masterpiece"
in M A D # 8 2 . I think it voiced the pub-
us have strained our own eyes and now
we need new furshlugginer glasses.
Arthur C. Heinsen, O.D., Director
lic's reaction to the movie "Cleopatra" and Dept. of Public Information
to the disgusting publicity it received. California Optometric Association
Richard Binder San Jose, California
Buffalo, New York
TWO M A D ANNUALS?
I wish to thank Don Martin for the
brilliantly conceived satire, "The Master- You guys are pretty good—having two
piece." I think it admirably expresses the "annuals" each year!
feelings of the public at this point as to Gerry Zmijewski
the subject involved, and I hope that the Baltimore, Md.
message gets through to all those con-
cerned. Your "6th Annual Edition" was very
Louise M. Bayer good. All T W O of them. Let's see you get
New York City out of this.
Terry Adams
SERIOUS LETTER San Gabriel, Calif.
This is an honest-to-goodness, serious
letter, no gags or silly questions. I have
been reading MAD for several years and
I am still amazed. I have seen articles in
your publication on subjects which would
never be touched in other leading maga-
zines. Yet, you have had the courage to
deal with these subjects in a comical
manner. You have treated subjects with
humor, but the real underlying message
comes through. You have had the courage
to stand up for your convictions and be-
liefs. You have been unafraid to bring
the truth to your readers, even if it ap-
GIVE A pears to be mere satire. In these times
and with the world in the state it is in,

G I F SUBSCRIPTION all MAD readers should be thankful for

your enjoyable, humorous and most of all
truthful magazine. You do not try to
TO cover up or color your articles. Bravo
for your fortitude and ingenuity. I know

MAD you won't print this letter because you

and your staff are much too modest to
accept any of the credit you so richly
We're getting out of it by publishing a
third annual, called " A Collection of MAD
We'll send a cheery deserve... Follies"—on sale Dec. 5th. As with "The
Charlene L. Seegert Worst From M A D " and "More Trash From
Christmas Gift A nnouncement Cannon Falls, Minn. MAD," "MAD Follies" will contain acts of
idiocy from past issues plus a hilarious
telling whom to blame! Oh, you are right! You are so right!—Ed. bonus insert.—Ed.

MAD S U B S C R I P T I O N S MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS

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New York City, N.Y. 10022 New York City, N.Y. 10022
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a 9-issue MAD Gift Subscription to: a 9-issue MAD Gift Subscription to: a 9-issue MAD Gift Subscription to:
• Enclosed is $5.00**. Please send • Enclosed is $5.00**. Please send • Enclosed is $5.00**. Please send
a 24-issue MAD Gift Subscription t o : a 24-issue MAD Gift Subscription to: a 24-issue MAD Gift Subscription to:

NAME — NAME NAME —

ADDRESS. ADDRESS. ADDRESS.
CITY .STATE ZIP CODE. CITY .STATE. ZIP CODE CITY STATE. ZIP CODE
AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT
BLAMING: BLAMING: BLAMING:
*$2.50 outside U.S.A. " $ 6 . 2 5 outside U.S.A. *$2.50 outside U.S.A. **S6.25outside U.S.A. *S2.50 outside U.S.A. **$6.25 outside U.S.A.
Check or Money Order only—No Cash Accepted Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted
 UPON REFLECTION CONGRATULATORY LETTER
FILL THOSE
I think your Letters Department is the
dumbest thing I've ever read. The only
thing it does for MAD is to take up space.
I dislike readers who send in congrat-
ulary letters for your articles. They take
up space, and aren't particularly funny.
STOCKINGS
I'd like to get a look at one of those idiots
who writes to you. He must be a real
Oh, by the way, I enjoyed reading "The
Nurtzes". Congratulations to Mort Druck-
WITH
clod!! er and Stan Hart on a fine job.
Steven Wagner Dave Greenleaf tt
Anaheim, Calif. Dunkirk, N . Y.
J-just give me a minute. I'll think up a clever
answer! Let's see . . . —Ed.
You're right, Dave. They aren't particularly
funny!—Ed.

VIVA SERGIO
2VIAD
W H A T - M E FLYING? Sergio Aragones is the funniest artist
MAD has had in a long time. His "Drawn-
Out Dramas" put more hilarity in less
space than any other MAD drawing. His
two articles, "A MAD Look at the U.S.
Space Effort" and "A MAD Look at Mo-
torcycle Cops" were really great. Let's
see more of Sergio Aragones.
Dave Stanton, Pres.
The Society for the Promotion
of Sergio Aragones
Sergio does " A MAD Look at Santa" in
this issue.—Ed.
TO THE POINT
I know how disgusted you must get
having to read long, drawn-out letters,
so for this reason I am making this letter
It had to happen! MAD's own airline! as short as possible. I will come right to
D. C. Detweiler the point because I realize how frustrat-
Orly, Seine, France ing it must be to you to read letters that
are "overdone" and yet actually have a
very short message. It must be terribly
UPCOMING BERG BOOK boring to read a letter by some "nut" who
MAD's "Berg's-Eye View Department" "beats around the bush" before he gets to
has made a hit with me every issue. His the subject he wrote to you about. I have
learned that getting right to the subject . . . and any of the other
superb artistry combined with his satirical
and hilarious wit make an unbeatable saves a lot of time and effort. I am making
combination. Why don't you come out this letter "short and sweet" because I MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS!
with a paperback edition? realize the truth of this fact. I would not
Stephen Brenner have you read a long drawn-out letter for •use coupon or duplicate
North Hollywood, Calif. the world, because I know you get enough
of them as it is. And I know how mad you MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT
I think it would be a good idea to must get when you have to read that type
publish a book full of "The Lighter Side of letter. Well, rest assured that I am not 850 Third Avenue
of Rain"—"Smoking"—"Summer"—"Win- one of those people who has to make a New York City, N.Y. 10022
ter", etc, all by the funniest guy on your dull endless speech just to express a small
staff, Dave Berg. If you do, I'll be the statement. That is why I will get right
PLEASE SEND ME:
first guy to buy one. down to what I wrote you a b o u t . . . which
I forgot. • The MAD Frontier • MAD In Orbit
Frank Kryza
Arlington, Va. Ricky Parrish I E N C L O S E 3 5 c FOR EACH
Dallas, Texas
Berg fans will be happy to learn that Dave
is hard at work on a paperback book of ALSO PLEASE SEND ME:
all-new and original material to be called Please address all correspondence to:
"MAD's Dave Berg Looks at the U.S.A." • The Bedside MAD
MAD, Dept. 84, 850 Third Avenue
Watch for it.—Ed. • Son Of MAD
New York, New York 10022
• The Organization MAD
• Like MAD
MAD S U B S C R I P T I O N S MAD S U B S C R I P T I O N S • The Ides of MAD
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a 24-issue MAD Gift Subscription to-. a 24-issue MAD Gift Subscription to: I ENCLOSE 5 0 c FOR EACH

NAME — NAME NAME.

ADDRESS. ADDRESS. ADDRESS.

CITY .STATE ZIP CODE. CITY .STATE ZIP CODE CITY.
AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT AND SEND A CHEERY CHRISTMAS GIFT ANNOUNCEMENT
STATE. ZIP CODE.
BLAMING: BLAMING:,
Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted
*S2.50 outside U.S.A. **S6.25 outside U.S.A. *$2.50 outside U.S.A. **$6.25outside U.S.A. On orders outside the U.S.A., add 10% extra
Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted Check or Money Order only-No Cash Accepted
 THE MELODY JINGLES ON DEPT.
"The lively crowd . . . today agrees... those who think young... say Pepsi, please!"
Sound familiar? Sure, it's the famous singing TV commercial for Pepsi Cola. But did
you know that it was adapted from a popular old song—mainly, Gus Kahn's "Making

FUTURESINGING
ADAPTED FROM THE WORKS
If RALEIGH adapted Le'rner and Loewe's "On The Street Where You Live"
People stop and stare
at our landing strip;
It took fifty million coupons
to gain ownership;
Raleigh sent it free
With a warranty!
We just love all those gifts
that they give!

If ANACIN adapted Rodgers & Hart's "Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered"

Whoopee"? Well, if we know how the creative minds on Madison Avenue work, it won't ARTIST:
JACK RICKARD
be long before more and more singing commercials will be adapted from popular old WRITER:
songs. So, to sicken you before they do, here is our special MAD preview of. . . FRANK JACOBS

T VCOMMERCIALS
OF FAMOUS SONGWRITERS
 If DASH adapted Sigmund Romberg's "Stouthearted Men
We've got the suds that will clean all your duds
that still won't clog up your machine!!—Ohhhh!

If ALLSTATE adapted George M. Cohan's "Give My Regards To Broadway'

If CREST adapted Leonard Bernstein's "The Jets' Song'

If VITAL!S adapted Jerome Kern's "The Last Time I Saw Paris'
Hey! You still using
that greasy kid stuff?

You ought to use Vitalis!

It makes your hair look keen!
T h a t greasy kid stuff that you use
Smells worse than kerosene!
NAMES IN THE SNOOZE DEPT.
We suppose everybody has had a bad dream now and then, but what about the people "in the
public eye"? We learn a great deal about these people from the various mass media, but

PRESIDENT KENNEDY PREMIER KHRUSHCHEV

FRANK SINATRA BERT PARKS

 ARTIST:
one thing we don't know is what these famous figures dream about. Which is why we've MORT DRUCKER
WRITER:
conjured up these speculative scenes from the slumbering subconscious, and called them . . . DON REILLY

GOVERNOR ROCKEFELLER CHARLTON HESTON

 ST. N I C K K N A C K S DEPT.
Here it is November, and you've probably just finished your last-minute
Christmas Shopping! Well, that takes care of 1962! Now what about 1963?

MAD To prepare yourself physically for shopping during the

Christmas Season, follow this practical training course:

Gather 20 friends . . . Come to think Next, empty everything but one shirt At the count of 3, try to beat your
of it, i n ' this case enemies would be from closet. Put price tag of $12.00 20 friends to the one shirt. Repeat
better! . . . in one room in your home. on shirt, then mark it down to $1.98. until you've mastered this technique.

It's bad enough buying gifts, but mailing them is worse.

Here's MAD's method of licking the Post Office problem:

Buy cheap— (The cheaper the better!) — With wrapped alarm clock ticking loud- You'll be first on line in no time —
alarm clock. Wrap and label all gifts ly, stand on a line at the Post Office. unless, that is, you live in an area
that have to be mailed . . . plus clock. Act suspicious, nervous and fidgety. where practically everyone reads MAD.
Since so many people wait till the last minute to do their shopping and ARTIST: BOB CLARKE
other Christmas chores, MAD now comes to their rescue by offering . . . WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

XMAS SEASON
no IRE
Make separate copy for each person you must shop for.
Answer each question carefully. Save time and money.

WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE BELOVED PERSON I AM THIS PERSON IS A LITTLE PUSHY, ISN'T SHE (HE)?.
GIVING THIS GIFT TO?

ABOUT HOW MUCH CAN I AFFORD TO SPEND ON THIS JUST WHO THE HELL DOES THIS PERSON THINK
PERSON? SHE (HE) IS???

WHAT ARE THIS PERSON'S LIKES?. SHOULD SPEND MY HARD-EARNED MONEY ON A FINK?

DISLIKES?. WHAT AM I, CRAZY???

AM I SURE THIS PERSON IS REALLY WORTH IT?. HAVE I SEEN THE LIGHT OF DAY JUST IN TIME?.

HASN'T THIS PERSON DISPLAYED SOME DISAGREEABLE WHAT SHOULD I BUY MYSELF ON THE MONEY I WAS PLANNING
TRAITS DURING THE PAST YEAR? TO SPEND ON THIS FINK'S GIFT?

A collection of useful badges to avoid unpleasant

physical contact during the Christmas shopping rush:

GOT THE
ANSWERS NIGHT
INFORMATION WATCHMAN
No. 7957352

Paste this badge on stiff cardboard, Use this badge to shop after 9 P M and If the 2 foregoing procedures do not
cut it out, and pin it to your lapel. before 8 AM. Be prepared to save lots appeal to you for various reasons . . .
Enter any crowded Department Store, of money as no sales help is usually like you're too chicken to use them,
decide which floor you want to shop present at this time. Be prepared to try this badge. It establishes you as
on, and direct people to floors other save even more money as real watch- a "Kook"! People will be afraid to
than the one you've chosen. Then you man is usually present at this time, and question you as you push through the
shop in uncrowded, leisurely fashion. prison inmates don't exchange gifts. crowds and walk to the front of lines.
 How to trim the Christmas Tree while taking precautions
TRIMMING THE TREE advised by National, State and Local Safety Councils.

(1) Ornaments: One must be careful in

choosing ornaments. Glass and plastic
ornaments will break and litter floor
with dangerous pieces. Don't use t h e m .
Foil ornaments are too light and frag-
ile, so leave them off the tree, too.
(2) Lights: You will want your tree t o
be a blaze of glory, but you cannot
use candles. They are a fire hazard.
And since electric lights short out
easily, better not use those either.

(3) T r i m m i n g s : Tinsel, angel hair, etc.

tend to fall off tree making it hard (5) Completed Tree:
on bare feet come Christmas morning. After t a k i n g all
Avoid using these items at all costs. precautions, finished
tree is a sight
(4) The Tree: A t a l l tree means climb- to behold. Of course,
ing a ladder t o decorate, with chance you can achieve
of a nasty fall. Small trees are fire
hazards, so prune back branches well. same effect by
And keep a fire extinguisher nearby. decorating a
hat rack.

Every year, we receive hundreds of Christmas cards, mostly from people we neglected to
send cards to ourselves. With this simple MAD "3-piece Label Set," the problem is solved.

*PLACE"| Isn't that a coincidence! We both

STAMP j picked the same Christmas card!
HERE

Here is typical card received from Using special "MAD 3-piece Label Set,"
someone you neglected to send one to: you can drop same card back in the mail:

•S3 « ? SS# S sis &

Nausea, New York TQ
NluSea, Hew York

Mr and Mrs. Arnold Finster

67"Cheapskate Drxve
Skeptic, Penna.
fcSfe?*""^
^rUii0tt B
gratings (greeting*
Isn't that a coincidence! We both
odjwr picked the same Christmas card!

.c0U&>tatd&4..

SPECIAL "AFTER CHRISTMAS CARDS'' There are several notes or cards to be sent out after Christmas. MAD takes most
of the work out of writing them with this selection of "After Christmas Cards":
"Thank You Card" for Christmas Gift you really hated but "Belated Card" for people who send cards too late to be
helps you avoid lying about how much you loved the thing: returned, and too late to even send back New Year Card:

On this happy occasion,

Robert E. Lee's Birthday,
may I join with him
s&waC j%dtj!tit& Jap u^icA/Mud in wishing you and yours
happiness and good fortune
in the coming year -y(
MAIL BEFORE LEE'S BIRTHDAY, JAN. 17TH
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I
And now for a taste of culture... a delicious treat by Don Martin, MAD's maddest
artist. Don dishes up a tasty morsel... mainly, a saccharin-sweet poem, slightly
roasted by his own interpretation and inimitable drawing style. Here, then, i s . . .

THE
EPICURE' BY EDGAR A. GUEST

ILLUSTRATED BY
DON MARTIN

•From "Collected Verse of Edgar A. Guest," Copyright, 1934, by The Rellly & Lee Co.
I've had your steak three inches thick Give me the plain and wholesome grub-
with all your Sam Ward trimming The grub the missus gets me.
I've had the breast of milk-fed chick
In luscious gravy swimming.
WH<Wf
To dine in swell cafe or club
But irritates and frets me;

Two kiddies at the board, Those meals the missus gets me.
The cook right at the table,
The four of us, a hungry horde,
To beat that none is able.
A big meat pie, with flaky crust!
.til 'Tis then that joy besets me;
Oh, I could eat until I "bust,"
 HOLLYWOOD DEPT.

<0MOVIE DIALOGUE WE D LIKE TO HEAR

A COLLECTION OF "REVERSE CLICHES" DESIGNED TO INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD "SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE"

It's been my experience, son, that the

only thing to do when a horse throws
you is to give up ridin' altogether!!

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: HARRY PURVIS

This is Father O'Malley, warden! I'm holdin' ten Allow me to introduce myself, Gentlemen. My name is "Tarzan," and
of your toughest cons captive in the prison chapel! this is my wife, " J a n e . " You'll have to excuse the little woman,
chaps—but she really isn't much of a conversationalist. However,
when it comes to gathering bananas or killing crocodiles, I must
say the old girl comes through in rather smashing style!
 CLASH OF SYMBOLS DEPT.
This next article speculates on some of the ridiculous trademarks and
advertising symbols which could result if America's big corporations
continue this trend toward becoming even bigger. Mainly, here are . . .

TRADEMARKS
SCHWEPPES & WHITE ROCK RCA VICTOR & M G M RECORDS

WHITE OWL
SHERWIN WILLIAMS AMERICAN AIRLINES
&
& &
SIR WALTER RALEIGH
DUTCH BOY PAINTS GREYHOUND BUSSES

PRUDENTIAL & TRAVELERS INSURANCE CO'S.

1^1
 ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: DON REILLY

resulting from
future mergers
CANNON TOWELS KOOLS & CAMEL CIGARETTES HASTINGS PISTON RINGS
& &
JANTZEN S W I M SUITS FISK TIRES
•- -J 5 **,

SUNSHINE BISCUITS
&
ARM AND HAMMER
BAKING SODA

PLAYBOY
&
MAD MAGAZINE
OLD GRAND-DAD
&
OLD CROW WHISKEY

MORTON'S SALT
&
HEINZ KETCHUP

"When it rains, it glops!"

 MAY I HAVE THE NEXT TRANCE DEPT.

A MAD Guide to HOW TO HYPNG

A NOTE OF INTRODUCTION Hypnotism is achieved by getting a subject to concentrate
First of all, remember: Hypnotism is an art, like playing the his attention on your suggestions, thus putting his mind
violin or the kazoo, and requires intensive practice before under your control. Accomplish this, and he will be like
you can master it. Just as you would not expect to pick up putty in your hands. If you like handling putty, you'll
a violin or a kazoo and immediately play it like an expert, love hypnotism. To put a subject under his control, the
you cannot expect to pick up this magazine and immedi- hypnotist repeats a phrase over and over again. The usual
ately become an expert hypnotist after reading this article. phrase is "You are very sleepy! You are very sleepy . . . "
You can, however, expect to be able to hypnotize a violin or However, other phrases have been successful, like "Smoke
a kazoo after reading this article—if you go in for that sort
of thing.
Hypnotism is by no means new. It has been used for BASIC TOOLS USED BY EX
centuries by the Egyptians, the Indians, the Persians, the
There are many aids and tools that hypnotists, especially
Chinese, and the Southern Baptists. Tales of healing by the
spoken word, and laying on of the hands are recorded in
experts, use regularly. These are usually items that the
many little-read sources—such as books. WATCH
The father of modern hypnotism was Franz Mesmer.
There is no record of a mother of modern hypnotism, but a
good guess might be Brigitte Bardot. Mesmer was a
Viennese by birth, and an egotist by inclination, so he
called his discovery "Mesmerism." In fact, he called every-
thing he knew "Mesmerism," except Vienna, which he
never called at all. (How could he call? There were no tele-
phones!) Mesmer had peculiar ideas about how mesmerism
worked. He thought that a strange current flowed from the
operator to the subject. He called this "Animal Mag-
netism." Today, we have a different name for it. We call it
"Poppycock"! Most of Mesmer's techniques have long
since been discredited, including a bewildering array of
idiotic gestures, passes, and armwaves. The only one using
them these days is Mitch Miller.
Here, the subject concentrates on a bright, shiny watch.
Today, we know that hypnotism is not a mystic power, If the subject concentrates hard enough, he will probably
but merely the result of mental suggestion. Anyone with go to sleep. If not, at least he'll know what time it is.
average mental equipment can do it. Which leaves out most
of your MAD readers, but as we hypnotists say, "That's the
way the cookie crumbles!" You can always try card tricks. EVEN MORE BASIC TOOLS
A word of warning: Hypnotism misused can be dan-
HYPNOTIC CARTOON ZIG-ZAGS. Beginner attaches these to
gerous, just as a misused violin or kazoo can be dangerous.
his eyeballs. Looks like a real hypnotist. Or a real nut.
So read this article carefully before attempting to use hyp-
notism for, say, brain surgery.
And finally, remember that hypnotism is simply a case
of mental concentration. So if you're able to concentrate
long enough to read this preposterous article, the rest
should be easy!

VIOLIN KAZOO
TIZE A SUBJECT
YPN ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: PHIL HAHN

Kools! Smoke Kools . . . " Don't bother with phrases like

"Buy MAD! Buy MAD . . . " We tried it, and it doesn't
work! Doesn't work . . . Whatever phrase you use, always
project self-confidence and strength of character. The
subject must trust you implicitly. Do not, under any cir-
cumstance, let him catch you referring to this article.
It might tend to make him a bit nervous. Hysterical, even.
Especially if you forget to tear it out of the magazine.

PERIENCED HYPNOTISTS
subject stares at and concentrates on, thus inducing deep
sleep. Like a TV set, f'rinstance. Here are just a few:
CANDLE COAT

Here, the subject concentrates on a candle. The hypnotist Here, the subject is concentrating on an expensive mink
is hoping the subject will soon go to sleep. The subject coat. She is hypnotized already. She will do anything the
is hoping the hot wax will soon burn the hypnotist's hand. hypnotist suggests. Guess what the hypnotist will suggest.

USED BY BEGINNING HYPNOTISTS

HYPNOTIC PHONOGRAPH RECORD. This "Beginners Aid" is HYPNOTIC SLEEP STICK. Used only as a last resort. A
guaranteed to put anyone to sleep. It's by Lawrence Welk. quick rap will put almost any subject to sleep instantly.
 CHOOSING A SUBJECT
There are a number of mental and emotional qualities that Mainly, however, you must look for a subject who's idiot
make for a desirable subject, and you must look for them, enough to let another idiot like you try to hypnotize him.

HIGH INTELLIGENCE
Surprising as it may seem, high intelligence is desirable But anyway, it's a fact that a person's susceptibility to
in a subject. A stupid person is less easily hypnotized hypnosis increases as his I.Q. increases. Thus, someone
than an intelligent one. The trouble is, the intelligent like Einstein would have been easy to hypnotize . . . while
ones have more sense than to fool around with this junk. the Editor of MAD probably cannot be hypnotized at all.

COOPERATIVE ATTITUDE
No one can be hypnotized against his will. The reason for see, therefore, how important the subject's attitude can
this is that the subject actually hypnotizes himself. The be. The subject must be extremely cooperative, or nothing
hypnotist merely acts as a "catalyst." Those of you who will happen. For your first subject, choose someone who
have not as yet run off to look up "catalyst" can readily is very, very cooperative. Elizabeth Taylor, f'rinstance.

MENTAL HEALTH
When you choose a subject, be sure that he is absolutely are either very lucky, or a good liar. So do what you can
normal, mentally — and that he is free from any serious with what's available, and above all, stay away from the
neuroses or psychoses. If you know anyone like this, you Advertising Crowd. No sense in just asking for trouble!
 M A N I P U L A T I N G THE SUBJECT
THE SUBJECT'S MORAL CODE
W h e n manipulating your subject, always remember that he This is because cuckoo birds have a higher moral code
will not do anything under hypnosis that he would not do than human beings. However, you can fool a subject. By
normally. His moral code protects him. Frinstance, you setting up a false situation, you can get a subject to do
can get a human being to behave like a cuckoo bird, but something he may have moral compunctions against, simply
you can't get a cuckoo bird to behave like a human being. because he won't think he's doing what he's doing. Like:

Under hypnosis, a juvenile delinquent, A big, dumb truck driver, having been A pretty girl, having been told that
having been told that he is entering told that he is going into a theater she is in her own bedroom, undressing
his favorite pool hall, cheerfully to see a Brigitte Bardot film, cheer- for bed, cheerfully clobbers the hyp-
saunters into a Sunday School class. fully attends a performance of Hamlet. notist who thought she was hypnotized.

DEGREES OF HYPNOSIS
There are several stages of the "Hypnotic Trance" through it is important that you know how to recognize the stages
which a subject may pass while under hypnosis. Therefore, and that you know what to do with a subject in each case.

STAGE ONE: LIGHT TRANCE STAGE TWO: DEEP TRANCE STAGE THREE: TOO DEEP TRANCE
Patient still seems to be awake. T h e Patient seems to be asleep. Trance is Trance characterized by wide, staring
trance is characterized by open eyes, characterized by closed eyes, a deep eyes, absolutely n o breathing at all,
even breathing, and a calm demeanor. breathing, and a very calm demeanor. and a very, very, very calm demeanor.
WHAT TO DO: WHAT TO DO: WHAT TO DO:
Give simple suggestions. Light memory Give complicated suggestions. Deeper Better bury h i m . . .
probing and post-hypnotic suggestions memory probing, surgery, psychiatric Quick...
possible if subject is in this stage. treatment are possible in this stage. He's dead!

MASS HYPNOSIS
Mass hypnosis (putting large groups of people to sleep at If you attempt it, be sure your subjects are in the right
one time) is a difficult feat, and can only be done by a mood: sympathetic, receptive and well-behaved. Otherwise,
handful of expert hypnotists, and most T V show producers. you'll only embarrass yourself, and alienate your subjects.
GOOD S U B J E C T S BAD SUBJECTS
 USES FOR
There are many uses for hypnotism. It is good for memory
probing, anesthesia, self-improvement, psychiatric treat-

CURING SILLY FEARS

Here we see a man with a silly fear Here we see a hypnotist putting the Here we see the man completely cured
of heights. Standing on tiptoes ter- man into a trance. The hypnotist will of his silly fear of heights — as he
rifies this man. Even just standing. cure him of his silly fear of heights. falls off The Empire State Building.

ANESTHESIA

Here we see a dentist using hypnotic Here we see a surgeon using hypnotic Here we see a psychiatrist using hyp-
anesthesia so that he can remove the anesthesia so he can remove the gall notic anesthesia so he can remove the
tooth from a patient's mouth easily. bladder from patient's abdomen easily. money from a patient's wallet easily.

ELIMINATING PSYCHOSOMATIC PAINS

Here we see a hypochondriac who keeps Here we see a hypnotist eliminating Here we see the cured hypochondriac
imagining he has pain in his stomach. the imaginary stomach pain he feels. dying of an imaginary burst appendix.

A NOTE OF WARNI
N o doubt there are real dangers in the practice of hypno-
tism . . . especially now that y o u have decided to try it.
However, there are real dangers in everything we do, like
HYPNOTISM
ment and entertainment. Mainly, though, it's good because
it gives us something to write ridiculous articles about.

Here we see a man suffering from one Here we see the man under hypnosis, Here we see the cured man arriving at
form of amnesia. He has suddenly and responding to gentle memory probing, his house — and suddenly remembering
completely forgotten where he lives. recalling the address where he lives. why he tried to forget where he lives.

SELF-IMPROVEMENT
1 1
Sj^# M-R

MM JrtOti]
¥v

!pii \PL

ioj
1&
llfet0r
Here we see a namby-pamby milquetoast Here we see the same man after hypno- Here we see the same man applying for
who just missed another promotion and sis, bursting into the Boss' office "Unemployment" after being fired for
didn't even have the nerve to ask why. to demand a satisfactory explanation. being insubordinate, loud and pushy.

PARTY ENTERTAINMENT

Here we see a clever host preparing Here we see the clever host attempt- Here we see the highly amused guests
to amuse his guests with hypnotism he ing to make a fool of his subject by laughing heartily at the clever host
learned from reading this article. hypnosis, and thus amuse his guests. who has just made a fool of himself.

NG IN CONCLUSION
playing the violin or kazoo. If a novice is aware of the
dangers, he can take sensible precautionary measures . . .
like crossing his fingers or rubbing a wart hog for luck.
 ALICE IN WASTELAND DEPT.

Jahber-WHaeHy or
ON DREAMING, AFTER FALLING ASLEEP WATCHING TV
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE W R I T E R : ISABELLE Dl CAPRIO

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves,

Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves,
And in a Minute Maid.

"Beware the Station-Break, my son!

The voice that lulls, the ads that vex!
Beware the Doctors Claim, and shun
That horror called Brand-X!"

He took his Q-Tip'd swab in hand;

Long time the Tension Headache fought-
So Dristan he by a Mercury,
And Bayer-break'd in thought.

And as in Buff erin Gulf he stood,

The Station-Break, with Rise of Tame,
Came Wisking through the Pride-hazed wood,
And Creme-Rinsed as it came

Buy one! Buy two! We're almost through!

The Q-Tip'd Dash went Spic and Span!
He Tide Air-Wick, and with Bisquick
Went Aero-Waxing Ban.

"And hast thou Dreft the Station-Break?

Ajax the Breck, Excedrin boy!
Oh, Fab wash day, Cashmere Bouquet!"
He Handi-Wrapped with Joy.

'Twas Brillo, and the G.E. Stoves,

Did Procter-Gamble in the Glade;
All Pillsbury were the Taystee loaves,
And in a Minute Maid.

24
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I

25
 BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPT.
We've always felt Dave Berg had a
screw loose, and now we know it!
Mainly, who else but a nut would
be idiot enough to publicly poke
fun at the members of the Police
Department. Well, he does in this
article - which, come to think of
it, we're idiot enough to publish!

Hold it, lady! That was I d o n ' t care WHO you know,
a "Full Stop" sign . . . lady! You're supposed to
and you didn't stop! be wearing glasses!!
Le'me see your license!
 CAN'T
YOU
READ?!

COPS
POH^ffp|||M05MOKII

WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

There's a But I'm only He's But I'm only That cop You're nervous? HEY, Y O U . . . UP AHEAD!
police car doing 45! The still doing 3 5 ! Oh— is still What a m I—made YOU LOOKIN' FOR A TICKET
behind you! speed limit behind Okay, I'll following of wood? What FOR OBSTRUCTING TRAFFIC?
Better is 50! Okay— us! slow down us! He's does he want? PUT A LITTLE SPEED O N ! !
slow down! I'll slow even more! making me I'm practically
down . . . nervous! crawling now!

Heh-heh! Putting up t h a t I'm sure it was a very AhhlTen TEN DOLLARS!? What radar equipment!? We
sign has sure cut down on expensive deal—but I dollars FOR ALL THAT never bought any radar
the speeders around here! guess it was worth it! isn't so RADAR equipment! Just the s i g n ! !
expensive! EQUIPMENT?!

RADAR SPEED
CONTROL
SPEED LIMIT

30 M.P.H.

'MM

It's a
real gun
with real
bullets!
Okay, wise Take it easy, Then you ought to know better! Okay, wise guy! Just hold it
guy! Just pal! I'm an Going through a red light right there! You ought t o
hold it off-duty cop is a serious offense! What's know better! Littering is a
right there! myself! your name? serious offense! Now . . .
What's your name?

Are you the lady who I'll It's that shameless man over I don't see any man, Of course you don't see
called for a say there! He's taking a shower, lady! In fact, I don't a t h i n g ! You're not
policeman? lam!! and he hasn't got the decency see a thing except that using these binoculars!!
t o pull down the shades!! house two blocks away!

Look! The Really? I You gotta I never did He probably Nah, he's got a Thanks for the
cops got wonder what watch out trust him! embezzled lean and hungry escort, O f f i c e r s ! ! !
John Moore! he's done! for those He's got the company look! He's t h e
quiet ones! shifty eyes! funds! "Killer" type!
Most likely he
murdered his wife!

When I grow up, I'm gonna Gee, I d i d n ' t think In rain and Gee, I didn't think of And getting a
Crooks
be a policeman! I'll have shoot of that! Anyway, snow storms that, either! But riding lot of lip f r o m
a real gun, and I'll shoot back! directing traffic and on hot on a motorcycle is big-mouthed
the crooks! Bang! Bang! is lots of f u n ! summer days? lots of f u n ! women drivers?
Boy, what f u n !
 You were doing 6 0 miles I've got to Yeah? What's I've got to get there before
an hour in a 3 0 mile zone! get to City so important it closes . . . so I can pay
What's the big rush? Hall, Officer! about getting for this speeding ticket I
It's terribly to City Hall! got yesterday!
important!

There's a Oh-Oh! I bet No, I think Or else he's Or maybe we're Whatever Hello! I'm Huh? Oh . . .
cop coming he's gonna he's going to gonna arrest getting a ticket it is, selling Sure! Sure!
up the walk! give us a give us a me for driving because the dog we're in tickets Hee-hee! I'll
What do you summons for summons for with my left bit someone trouble! to the take all
suppose we not removing not having a headlight out! again! Or Johnny Policeman's you've got!!
did wrong? the snow from cover on the broke another
the sidewalk! garbage can! window!

YOU CAN'T TALK Remember this: You're a Then you're just the guy I'm moving along!
TO ME THAT WAY, servant of the people, wanna see! HOW ABOUT
?M OFFICER! and I'm a taxpayer! That A R A I S E . . . BOSS? - -1
makes me YOUR BOSS!!

Well, the uniform Are you kiddin'? Well, driving Gee, thanks for warning 'Cause
Yeah—answering crank calls
is keen! I'll buy On a policeman's around in a me! When I grow up, I'm that's
to chase kids like you and
a dozen of t h e m ! salary... shiny new gonna be a fireman!! my Pop
me from playing ball in
patrol car is the streets! ~~i i standing
lots of f u n ! there!!
Hey, how come you know
so much about cops?
 HIRE EDUCATION DEPT. METHOD #1-The "Direct Approach"
In this modern age of keen competition, there often Look at the "Want Ads" in your local paper,
are hundreds of applicants for every job opening. and carefully pick out the job you want . . .
Therefore, as a service to its readers, MAD gives
some helpful advice on how to land that job. Why a
MAD reader would want a job is beyond us, but every
family has its black sheep—and it's for these sheep
that this article is intended. Those of you who break
out in a cold sweat and get the shakes at the very
thought of going to work may skip this article . . .

Instead, go directly into the Men's Room down the hall,

and remove your jacket and roll up your shirt sleeves . . .

METHOD #2 -The "Decoy Ad Approach"

Decide on what kind of job you want, then place "Want A d "
in paper that sounds very attractive to others in field:

WANTED
G L A S S B L O W E R - No e x p e r i -
ence necessary, 4-hour day, 5- V^^V,
day week, $300 per week. For in- F ^
^ terviews, apply today, 95 Oak

WRITER:
MICKEY ROSE

METHOD #3 -The "One-Two Tailored Ad

Pick out company you would like to work for, then place
ad in paper carefully worded so it applies only to you:

ft-Acep

30
Answer ad by going to the address where the Do not go directly into waiting room because it will be
interviews for the job are being given . . . filled by hundreds of others like you who answered ad . . .

With shirt sleeves rolled up and tie loosened, enter the While other applicants leave hastily, you retrieve your
waiting room with air of authority and casually announce: jacket, roll down sleeves, and return alone to claim job!

Thank you all for coming, but I'm

sorry—the job is already taken!

Since no such job exists, or for that matter the address, While you select the next best job offer and apply for an
applicants will waste day waiting in vain in vacant lot . . . interview completely devoid of competition. (Note: Do not
make mistake, get excited, and answer your own want ad!)

Approach"
You then show up with ad, and Personnel Manager, not
wishing to appear an idiot, will hire you on the spot! If he gives you any trouble, show second ad you placed

be
caUSe°07.^oma;rbeePaceour
^Pectiv0J'^i,ityytlce£awng

?/WG CO.
 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II

32
 LIGHTS, CAMERA, ECCCH-TION DEPT.
Every year, the movie industry makes a big hoo-hah over the Academy Awards.
Frankly, we're not impressed. How tough is it to make a movie when you have
$37,000,000 to blow on it? Huh? MAD feels that it's about time the really
dedicated movie-makers of this country get their deserved recognition! We
mean that vast army of amateurs who are devoted to the cinematic art despite
limited funds and even more limited talent . . . the "Home Movie Makers"! And
so, in order to give 'em what's coming to 'em, MAD Magazine proudly presents:

The ACADEMY A I M S for

HOME MOVIES ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER W R I T E R : STAN HART

From the fabulous Knotty Pine Basement — Out of more than 1,796,542 reels of f i l m Our projectionist, Mr. Lyman Fumbler, will
in the garishly furnished split level submitted, the Academy has chosen the ones show excerpts from each award-winning f i l m .
house of Mr. Louis Kreevitch, overlooking it considers t o be t h e finest examples of Since Lyman always has a little trouble
the other eleven thousand two hundred and the " H o m e Movie-Making A r t " . To supervise threading the f i l m , I'd like t o ask you not
fifty-seven garishly furnished split level the balloting, the Academy has engaged the t o stamp, whistle, or clap your hands in
houses in lovely Levittown, New York—the services of Mr. Irving Waterhouse, famous unison. Also please refrain from making
" H o m e Movie" Capital of the World—the candy store owner, who is also a Notary shadow pictures of swans on the screen!
Amateur Motion Picture Academy of Arts and Public, and took two years of bookkeeping That means y o u , too, Mr. Waterhouse! Well,
Sciences presents "The First Annual a t Rutgers night extension school. He will I see that Lyman is about r e a d y — s o -
Academy Awards Ceremony"! hand me the envelopes, which have been on with the Awards . . . !
sealed with library paste, and I will open
them and read the nominees and winner in
each of the categories . . .
 The next category is f o r " B e s t W a v i n g " !
'My Son, The 4th Window From The 'Yoo-Hoo", featuring Mildred Twil
The nominees are the f i l m s : " U p s t a g i n g '
End", with Sanford Gass leaving d u r i n g t h e m i n u t e of silence at
featuring Sally Ann Freem, staring at
t o visit his aunt in Utah . , . t h e Memorial Day services . . .
her younger sister's wedding . . .

For the best "Special Events—Wedding" I " J u s t What We W a n t e d " , featuring I ! " U n i d e n t i f i e d Flying Objects", with
category, nominees are: " H o w R o m a n t i c " , 1 Fran and Walt Akers opening their I I the kid brothers of the happy couple
with Aunt Ida and Aunt Zelda waltzing presents, with the bride's mother t h r o w i n g shelled peanuts and scaling
together at Shirley Plutz's wedding . . ; what
 Congratulations, Oh, I'm so surprised, I can't
Mrs. Needleman! talk . . . so I'll just hand o u t
To you goes the these mimeographed copies of
Academy's Award m y modest acceptance speech!
Statuette . . .
"The Marvin"!

I'd like t o give thanks t o all t h e people without whose

efforts, I would not be here tonight—to Dr. F. Lawson,
a giant among bone specialists . . . t o Lincoln Fram, the
greatest X-ray technician a guy was ever blessed with . . .
t o insurance man Albert S. Alexander, a claim examiner's
claim examiner . . . and last but not least, t o lawyer Sam
Leighton f o r his invaluable behind-the-scenes work on my
million dollar negligence s u i t . . . Thank you, one and all!

The " M a r v i n " goes to Jerry and Ginny De Fuccio!

However, a slight technicality prevents the
Academy f r o m presenting the Award until their
c o m m u n i t y property settlement is agreed upon!
 Now the award for "Priceless Memories Of Joan Fagel's f i l m , "You're Driving
Ch ildren's Parties". The first nominee Me To An Early Grave", starring her "The Actress", with Clara Englehard
2 S H ^ is 'The Search", a candid study of the twins poking each other in their attracting attention by performing
innocent joys of childhood . . . mending "l-Got-You-Last!" contest— her 'Make-Believe-I'm-Dead' r o u t i n e -

Trie nominees for the "He's Funny Enough I "Girl Overboard!" featuring horseplay I "The 65th Birthday", starring Carl
To Be On TV" category are: "Diamond Lil", • by Harry Hartnett as he gaily throws Bletch doing his clever 'This Food
with Lenny Rupp dressed as Mae West, em- his terrified date into the pool, Stinks!' pantomime at the catered
barrassing his family for 50 feet of f i l m — knowing full well she can't swim— party his son gave in his honor—

M n the "Pictures Of Our Trip" category,

he nominees are: "State Straddling",
snee Abbott's amazing documentary on
how one State borders on another . . .
"A Great Bunch Of Guys", the f i l m
Frank Leemy runs for his r e l a t i v e s -
showing people they don't know, and
whom Frank will never see again . . .
"Golden Gate City—I Hear Your
Heartbeat", Larry Mack's arty f i l m
essay of San Francisco as seen
through his wife Babe's a r m p i t . . .
|• ^
]
 Accepting the Thank you—and I know that Donny
award for Donny would want me to give credit to t h a t
is his father, late great canine showman . . . the
Eric Portnoy . . . i m m o r t a l Fluffy, whose memory will
serve as an inspiration t o us all!

Al, baby, you're beautiful, just The

beautiful. We've seen good runs stitches
at cameras, but yours was truly come out
an 8-millimeter milestone. Would next week!
you like t o say something . . . ?

And the winner is: "Driving Across America, Land Of Scenic And that brings to a close
Thank you! And I want
Splendor", Doris Flang's classic example of how to shoot the First Annual Academy
t o thank my husband
an entire travel f i l m through a moving car's w i n d s h i e l d - Awards For Home Movies. The
whose driving helped
winners will celebrate at a
make our trip from
lavish party in the two rear
New York t o California
booths of Mr. Waterhouse's
the happiest 13 hours
candy store. And . . . please,
in my life!
winners! No movie cameras!
We want to enjoy ourselves!!
HO-HO-HO DEPT.

A M A D LOOK AT

© ©
 f>
j|xj)''
i^W
i ^"^p7 ijf

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HA
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART III
WORKING FOR SCHOOLIE WAGES DEPT.

Back in September, 1960, we ran a magazine aimed at what we then thought was the most
miserable animal in existence—The Beatnik. But in September, 1962, we came up with a
magazine for even a lower species of the human race—The Racketeer. Frankly, we thought
we'd hit bottom. But recently, after digging among the very dregs of humanity, we came
up with the individual who is now considered to be the lowest creature of them all by
the American public. Here then is MAD's version of a magazine aimed at t h e . . .

I A T T E N D E D A P.T.A. M E E T I N G — A N D L I V E D ! By 8th Grade Advisor Emma Glonk

41
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE
WRITER: LARRY SI EGEL
Have You Been Suspended Lately
For Recommending Communistic
Literature to your Students? DEAR PRINCIPAL LUMMOCK
All teachers who have problems are invited to submit them
PUtf It Saje 70it£ to Principal hummock in care of this magazine. If you desire
a personal reply, kindly enclose a self-addressed stamped

SIMON PURE BOOKS envelope. (Note: Since most teachers can't afford a stamp
for a self-addressed envelope, Principal hummock is discon-
tinuing his offer for personal replies with this issue.)
The Simon Pure Publishing Company has re-written
hundreds of well-known subversive works so that
they meet the patriotic standards of all parents
who are members of the DAR, Birch Society, etc. Dear Principal Lummock: Dear Principal Lummock:
Here are only a few of the books and stories you Last Friday, I assigned members of my I have a problem which has been bother-
can order and safely assign to your class today: class to take home the living things in our ing me for several months. I am Principal
* GOLDILOCKS AND classroom and care for them over the week- of the Elisha Cook, Junior Junior High
end. You know, the usual stuff: gold-fish, School in Hollywood. Last month, I made
THE THREE EAGLES plants, turtles, and things like that. Any- a brilliant speech at the graduation exer-
formerly "Goldilocks and way, one of my bigger pupils took roe cises. Among other things, I said, "As you
the Three Bears" home with him against my will. Frankly, I pick yourself up by your bootstraps and
had a miserable time, but that's beside the put your nose to the grindstone and your
* MELVINHOE
point. Wasn't this a terrible thing to do? shoulder to the wheel, you must step
formerly "Ivanhoe"
B.D. boldly, but carefully, onto the Frontiers of
Charleston, S. C. Life, remembering to keep your head in
* THE RED, WHITE AND BLUE
the clouds and your feet on the ground, or
BADGE OF COURAGE It sure was! You distinctly told your class to vice versa. . . . "Anyway, for some strange
formerly "The Red take home " l i v i n g things." You are a School reason, 85% of the graduation class fell
Badge of Courage" Teacherl You call that " l i v i n g " ? asleep during my speech. Can you tell
me why?"
* WEST OF EDEN CD.
Dear Principal Lummock:
formerly "East of Eden" Los Angeles, Calif.
While travellingthroughLeveltown, Long
* THE 39 PRAIRIES Island, the other day, I noticed some build-
Z-Z-Z-Z-Z- Z-Z-Z-Z-Z- Z-Z-Z-Z-Z- Z-Z-Z-Z -Z-Z- ZZZ.
ers erecting what looked to me like the
formerly "The 39 Steps"
most ultra-modern, farthest-out, wildest-
Write For Our Free Catalogue looking suburban school I had ever come Dear Principal Lummock:
SIMON PURE BOOKS across in my entire life. Am I right? Is Recently, I read a transcript of the bril-
Box 1776, Philadelphia, Pa. this a new suburban school they're putting liant speech given by the Principal of the
up in Leveltown? Elisha Cook, Junior Junior High School in
F.Y. Hollywood, to the graduating class last
CATCH THAT CHEAT! New York City June. How can I get in touch with him? I
W h y put up w i t h exam-cheaters? want to nominate him for Presiding Officer
Nip cribbing in the bud—with at the Republican National Convention in
San Francisco next year.
RANKIN D.D.E.
Gettysburg, Pa.
REAR-VIEW MIRRORS Sorry, D.D.E., the Democrats beat you to it and
contacted him first.

No. F.Y., the building you saw will not be a

Dear Principal Lummock:
new suburban school. Its architecture is much
I am a 6'7" First Grade Teacher at P.S.
too wild and abstract for something as dig-
37 in Dover, Delaware. As you might well
nified as a school. The structure you saw is
imagine, with the water fountains in the
going to be a church.
school halls installed about two feet off the
floor for the convenience of the small chil-
dren, it is almost impossible for an adult
Dear Principal Lummock: to take a drink. I used to try bending over,
I have been told that many Principals but I wound up with a slipped disc. Any-
these days are not so much interested in way, a few weeks ago, I began kneeling on
the welfare of their teachers and the ed- the floor to take a drink. This worked out
These handy rear-view mirrors attach neatly over your ucation of their pupils as they are con- fine for a few days, until an FBI man
eye glass frames to give a clear, unobstructed view of
the classroom while you're writing on the blackboard.
cerned with being high-powered public re- stormed in one day and arrested me. Can
lations men and casting favorable images you tell me why?
ALSO HANDY FOR CATCHING: in their communities. How do you feel E.R.
Spitball-Throwers Smoochers about this? Dover, Del.
Funny-Face-Makers Sleepers R.T.
Dirty-Picture-Passers Whisperers Detroit, Mich.
Inkwell Pigtail-Dippers W e l l , I've been shirt-sleeving this subject with
my brain-storming assistants over at my Finster
AND COUNTLESS OTHER BEHIND-YOUR-BACK ACTIVITIES
Junior High School shop, where I run a tight
ON SALE NOW AT YOUR LOCAL OPTOMETRIST little ship—and after spit-balling it around the

i l l Q T rt» r\ QQ ' o r standard eye glass room, we dropped it into the inkwell to see

J U O I 4 > Z . ¥ 0 frame attachment how it stained. Frankly, the whole thing came
42
($350.00 if you wear contact lenses) up ridiculous, rumor-wise. It's very simple. He thought you were praying.
Every month, MODERN TEACHER selects
meet... ARNOLD GUMBER
one member of the profession who best
typifies the American School Teacher,
and shows an average day in his life.
Teacher of the Month
IP—*' "j^; ' '^SHi
BPjw/PH^^M
SN§§f&ift2? I S * fcjRB^^

I F f l FkJiE^B B ^

^j^Bb^S^
BWHCHMJHF^ •

At 7 AM, Gumber puts on a double breasted suit and wide-

brimmed hat, sticks a cigar in his mouth, and tells his At 8 AM, Gumber handles his first extra-curricular, non-
neighbors he's off to his book-making parlor. They don't paying teaching assignment in school basement. P.S. 46,
know that his respectable job as Bookie is just a front built in 1823, was once infested by rats. But the rats
for his real vocation . . . a miserable teacher at P.S. 46. are gone now. The school was too damp and dirty for them.

At 8:45, Gumber goes on school yard

duty. While extremely hazardous work
(with possible death always imminent),
being outdoors gives Gumber a chance
to sneak a smoke—something you can't
do in school—unless you're a pupil! From 9:00 to 2:00,
Gumber handles many
important teaching
assignments, such as
Cafeteria duty, col-
lecting lunch money,
collecting bank books,
collecting milk money,
and collecting switch
blade knives from the
pupils. (More dangerous
weapons are collected
from the pupils by the
school's special Bomb
Demolition Squad....)

At 2:00, Gumber directs his class in a comedy in the At 3:15, Gumber is picked up by police for authorizing the
school auditorium. Everyone forgets his lines, and the use of a dirty text book entitled "Improper Fractions." He
jokes fall flat. At 3:00, Gumber receives his monthly is fingerprinted and booked. He pleads for a prison term,
paycheck backstage. He goes on stage and shows it to but since it's his third offense, he receives the maximum
the audience. This gets the biggest laugh of the day. penalty. He is sentenced to return to P.S. 46 as a teacher!
 THE INQUIRING
This Month's Colorful
TEACHER
QUESTION: How do you feel about teachers going on strike?
WHERE ASKED: At various schools and strike picket lines.
Report Card Terminology
In keeping with the common practice in schools across the nation of dis-
SHIRLEE BRONX guising the true character and personality of pupils so their parents
Fourth Grade Teacher won't get like a trauma. MODERN TEACHER offers another installment of
And Potential Wife some new and colorful double-talk terminology for use on report cards.
I don't see why teachers have
to resort to something a s de- "He has an unquenchable thirst for sponta-
grading a s strikes. Now take neity in education, which has been best slaked by the
me, for example. I'm an aver-
age, conscientious young give-and-take of classroom discussion, as opposed
teacher who lives a t 147 Mosh- to the sterile atmosphere of a non-scholastic milieu."
olu Parkway, a keen dancer,
swell company, and my tele- TRANSLATION: He hasn't done his homework in
phone number is MQ-O-4299.
All I want is to bring education and enlightenment to pupils three weeks!
for the rest of my life (unless I get a better offer, like getting • • • •
married, say, next Tuesday). I think the $60 a week I get is
more than enough and I can live on it very comfortably. Of "While his personal intellectual capacity is
course, my father, who I live with, and who is also a teacher limitless, he rarely hesitates to absorb knowledge
and h a s to support me and my mother—fee's got problems! from others around him in order to enhance his
JAMES HOFFA
image as a well-rounded pupil."
Labor Union Leader
And Humanitarian TRANSLATION: He cheats on exams!
Sure teachers should go on • • • •
strike. Everybody should go on
strike. Striking is healthy. I t "He allows himself the healthy luxury of un-
takes people out of their leashing his pent-up emotions, which, had he sup-
houses where they can get in-
to trouble, and puts them on pressed them, might turn him into a seething caul-
safe street corners. I like to dron of self-consuming neuroses."
strike. I like to strike all the
big companies. I like to strike TRANSLATION: He kicks, scratches, bites and spits!
all the big plants. I'd like to strike Bobby Kennedy. Right inna
mouth! Why shouldn't teachers strike? Some of my best friends • * • •
are truck drivers. Some of my best truck drivers a r e teachers.
When they're not driving trucks. Well, they gotta e a t ! "He has an innate desire to examine at first-
hand the vicissitudes of life, which has been best
HERMAN KLING satisfied by personal pilgrimages into the very
Professional
Failing Student
maw of civilization."
I'm all for teachers going on TRANSLATION: He cut classes 24 times this term!
strike. After all, they're hu-
man. They have a right to a • • • •
living wage and decent work- "He appears to prefer the cloistered atmos-
ing conditions. If, by going on
strike, they bring out into the phere of solitary study, rather than engage him-
open the terrible injustice t h a t self in the communication of class discussion."
is being played on one of to-
day's most important profes- TRANSLATION: The other kids steer clear of him
sions, then I'm all for it. I'm all for anything that will open the
public eyes, t h a t will open the public minds, and t h a t will close because he doesn't wash.
the public schools. • * • •

ROBERT T. WAG
"He is deeply concerned with the physical
Mayor and Distinguished well-being of other students, seeing to it that they
Public Servant
do not overindulge in calories or harm the calcium
I think it's terrible when pub- content of their teeth."
lic employees have to resort to
strikes. Look a t me, I'm a pub- TRANSLATION: He steals cookies and candy from
lic employee. You don't see me
striking. I do t h e best I can on his classmates.
my $40,000 a year. And take
my Governor friends, they're • • • *
public employees. They don't
strike. J u s t the other day, "His is a wandering, probing mind, which by
Governor Rockefeller swore to me he'd never strike for more its very nature, should not be accelerated onto new
money. And President Kennedy told me t h e same thing. He's a horizons too rapidly, but should be allowed instead
public employee. Recently, the teachers in my city wanted a
raise. Did they go on strike? Of course not. We settled the to return to areas once before explored for the pur-
whole problem by talking. That's how you always settle prob- pose of gathering additional insight."
lems—by talking. I s a t down and I talked to them. I said,
"You're not getting a n y more money, and t h a t ' s settled!" TRANSLATION: He's going to be left back this t e r m .
44
 THE EVOLUTION OF THE U. S. TEACHER
A look at how the American Teacher has developed (or to
use a better word—deteriorated) over the past century
100 YEARS AGO
Back in 1863, the American Teacher was an
unbending figure of authority. He was big
and strong, with a large, sinister-looking
mustache. His students hated and feared
him. But they respected him. His teaching
methods were strictly hit or miss. Either
he'd hit the pupil — or he'd miss him when
he cracked his large whip. But even when
he missed, the wind burns that resulted
were extremely painful. Life was rough for
students in those days, and many of them
used to run away . . . down South, in hopes
of becoming slaves and living easier lives.

5 0 YEARS AGO
In 1913, the American Teacher was still
a rigid figure of authority, but he wasn't
quite as big and strong as his predecessor,
and not everybody feared him. For example,
heavyweight champion Jack Johnson didn't
fear him. (We can't think of anyone else!)
He was a lot more liberal in his teaching
methods. He abandoned the whip. Instead,
his students were taught to the tune of a
hickory stick. (We know it doesn't make
much sense when you say it, but when you
sing it, it sounds great!) Life was still
rough for students, and many of them used
to quit school to work in factories for
18 hours a day, which was more tolerable.

2 5 YEARS AGO
In 1938, the Female Teacher came into her
own. She was anywhere from 25 to 65 years
of age (but she always looked over 100!)
She was a lot bigger and stronger than her
predecessor, and a little bit uglier. But
being students under her was a breeze. She
rarely hit them with anything larger than
a ruler, and in six months time, students
never even felt it any more. But she was
still feared and respected, just as if she
were a man. And that's because most of her
pupils weren't absolutely sure she wasn't!

TODAY
Today, the American Teacher is like a lost
chicken wandering across a road, trying to
get to the other side. In other words, he
is a joke! No one hates him, no one fears
him, and no one respects him. They merely
tolerate him. Like a cold. He would never
dream of belting a pupil with a whip or a
hickory stick or a ruler. He has used his
fists, though — but only in self defense.
However, there are classrooms in the U.S.
that are controlled by unbending figures
of authority who are big and strong with
sinister-looking mustaches whom everybody
hates and fears but respects. The trouble
is, they're not Teachers . . . they're pupils!
 r^S3£2*F^$5^^S§5^S

THE BLfiCK&OARP JUMBLB.

NEWS N' GOSSIP ABOUT THE TEACHING PROFESSION
By Harold "Sandy" Wilner
Hats off to industrious Principal Harvey Higgle, of Birchwood couraging brilliant students who show promise and are well-
Junior High, who is augmenting his income with a clever use of advanced for their age. Which is why we were so excited by the
his inter-classroom public address system. Harv personally con- card we just received from teacher Herman Fiffnik. Herman
ducts a swinging 9 A.M. to 3 P.M. disc jockey show of rock 'n' tells us that every pupil in his First Grade class speaks flawless
roll records and witty patter—even during exams. He's fully spon- French. However, upon investigation, we found out there's a
sored by local candy stores, ice cream parlors, saloons, burlesque slight catch here. French is the only language they speak. Her-
houses, and other business establishments with messages of im- man teaches in Bordeaux, France. (Can't you ever be serious,
portance for today's school-age youngsters . . . Bad news for Ruth Herm?)
Bleaker, Third Grade Teacher at P.S. 131. Her parents refused to *****
give her permission to marry one of her pupils. They feel that Our condolences to the family of heroic Irving Doren, who taught
31-year-old Donny Thyson is a bit too old for her. Better luck Science at the brand new Richard M. Nixon Junior High School
next time, Ruthie . . . Good news for the Henry Peskins in the per- (which was involved in building graft and collapsed last week due
son of a brand new 7-pound bouncing baby boy. Henry teaches to faulty construction). When he noticed that his room was sinking
math at the Jack Holt Memorial High School in Beverly Hills. His below the basement, Doren allowed his students to abandon class,
wife is a former Kindergarten Teacher, who used to conduct the but he refused to leave his desk. It isn't very often that a teacher is
2 A.M. to Dawn session at the slightly overcrowded P.S. 6. courageous enough to go down with his classroom. We will never
***** forget you, Irv . . . Worried because your students act like a bunch
Best wishes to P.S. 193's Irma Brechwold, who will celebrate of dolts whenever a Superintendent or Principal drops in unex-
her 70th year as a teacher next month. 92-year old Irma, who pectedly to sit in on one of your classes? Here are some excellent
tried to retire several times in the past but was asked to stay on questions, submitted by Ninth Grade Teacher Harold Opp, which
by school authorities because younger teachers refuse to work you can ask safely: "How much is two and two?", "Spell cat!",
for $38 a week, will celebrate the day quietly. Only the im- "Who would like to demonstrate 'breathing' for today's 'Show and
mediate family will be present at a small party given in her Tell'?", "Which of these famous men discovered the Hudson River:
honor, including her mother, P.S. 193 teacher Maude Brech- (a) Henry Hudson (b) Seymour M. Dopplefinger (c) Paul Anka?"
wold. Reba Brechwold, Irma's grandmother, who sprained her Contributor Opp promises to send along the answers in time for next
ankle while teaching gym at P.S. 193 last week, will not be able month's column.
to attend. *****
***** Best of luck to Fifth Grade Teacher Victor Emster, of P.S.
Memo to the ridiculously spoiled students at the suburban Arthur 49. He's taking the "Big Step" with his childhood sweetheart,
Fingerhut School: Free bus service has now been extended to in- Miriam Troy. The couple will live at the home of Miriam's
clude all pupils who live more than 10 feet from the school. Pre- parents until Victor decides what he wants to do for a living . . .
viously, only pupils who lived 20 feet or more from the school We hear that thousands of letters are pouring into Washington
could ride. And now for some bad news, kids: Since your whole every day, congratulating all the Congressmen who have been
school is on one level, the city has turned down your request to successfully fighting Federal Aid to Education. The only trouble
install escalators in the building . . . The City Planning Commission is, they're all from Nikita Khrushchev.
of Finnque, Illinois, has just given the green light for a new 4,500 *****
housing unit development to be constructed within a three-block Will some of Harry Carruther's friends at City College please do
radius of P.S. 238. Naturally, no new school will be built in the area, something about helping him to get rid of the terrible inferiority
so P.S. 238 will be a trifle more overcrowded. To make room for complex he's recently developed? It just isn't dignified for a re-
the added influx of pupils, all teachers will be asked to stay home spectable College Professor to wear one of those idiotic false-nose-
on school days. and-eye-glasses disguises whenever he goes in to pay his rent. Even
***** though Harry did discover that the new landlord of the 57 story
apartment building he lives in is Seymour Gribble, whom Harry
In the educational battle for survival between the West and flunked in Business Administration two years ago.
Russia, this column has always spoken out strongly for en-

46 Congrats to the Fire Department. They finally freed Mrs. Student Frank Pock, voted "Boldest Exam Cheater for '63",
Sophie Zelk, who got stuck in one of those tiny writing is shown here entering a room to take his final exam in
chairs she was forced to sit on while visiting her son's "Anatomy of the Horse". At the other end of the rope is
Second Grade class during Open School Night in Oct. 1959. the nerviest crib sheet Frank ever smuggled into class.
THE MOONLIGHTER'S PAGE THE MOONLIGHTER'S
CLASSIFIED ADS
What's What Among The "Part-Time Job Set" Along Teacher's Row
Help W a n t e d - M a l e

CARNIVAL BARKER -9 PM to 1 AM week-

days, all day Sat. and Sun. Good opportunity
for Elocution or Speech Teacher. We supply
disguise so your students won't recognize you.
50<? an hr. W r i t e Box 195 MT.

CAR W A S H E R - S t e a d y part-time work. P r e -

fer Professor, but will accept J u n i o r High
School Principal. Must be College Grad. Here's
your chance to clean up. Box 84 MT.

CATTLE SLAUGHTERER-Opening for ag-

gressive, husky young Teacher. Chicken-
plucking experience helpful but not necessary.
2 AM to 4 AM, Tuesdays and Thursdays.
B r i n g own sledge hammer and knife. Box 14
MT.

P I Z Z A F L I P P E R - W e looka for a qualifi

Teach. Write to us s t r o n g a selling letter a n n a
tell us why you t h e m a n for-a this job. Then
drop-a by inna few days a n n a read it to us.
Box 57 MT.

S A N D H O G — Work in a nice cool tunnel.

The Fourth Annual Teachers Dance at the affair was a Costume Ball. They Ditch-digging experience unnecessary. F r e e
The Potrezebie School last month was didn't know that all those present Hosp. Benefits, unless you get like the bends.
a huge success. Biggest joke of the were actually teachers dressed in the Must know how to swim underwater. Box 42
evening was on the strangers who hap- uniforms of the part-time jobs they MT.
pened into the gym and thought that were headed for . . . after the Dance.
Help Wanted—Female

FRUIT P I C K E R - H e a l t h y , outdoor work for

Teacher in the Rio Grande area. Excel, work-
Meet Sylvia Kupp, "Moonlighter Of The ing conditions, friendly atmosphere, except
Year". Since January, Sylvia has been for occasional hostile wetback attacks. 20tf an
teaching her class Algebra all wrong hour and all you can eat. Lemon harvest
s t a r t s this week. Box 121 MT.
. . . intentionally! With poor grades,
the students have naturally had to PILLOW S T U F F E R - P r e f e r Teacher with
seek help from an outside tutor. So M.A. degree. Salary commensurate with pil-
far this year, Sylvia's income has low-stuffing ability. Excellent opportunity.
Can eventually lead to mattress-stuffing for
been $3,422 as a Math Teacher, and the right woman. Box 34MT.
$22,000 as an outside Math Tutor.
S A N D H O G —Work in a nice cool tunnel.
Typing experience unnecessary. F r e e Hospital
Benefits, unless you get like the bends. We
know it's crazy advertising for a woman sand-
hog, but who can tell how desperate you school
teacher broads a r e ! Box 42 MT.

W O M A N — M a t u r e , intelligent Teacher pre-

ferred. Hard to describe type of job, but rest
assured you'll work like a horse. 40tf an hour.
F r e e Death Benefits and H a y - B r e a k . Box 36
MT.

Situations Wanted—Male
BRIGHT, personable, cheery, ambitious, ag-
gressive, friendly, religious, eager Princeton
Professor desires part-time job as shirt folder.
Am experienced, and have own pins. Box 347
MT.

P H Y S I C S TEACHER, Rhodes Scholar, gd.

friend of W. von Braun, seeks challenging
p a r t - t i m e position as bus-boy. Look gd. in
uniform. Will relocate to new school if neces-
sary. Box 19.

Here's Evelyn Glick, Biology Teacher Apartments To Share—Male

at The Fink School, and After-Hours
TEACHER, convicted of one of the most
Wine-Maker, catching up on some of fascinating capers in Moonlighting H i s t o r y -
the part-time work she didn't get a Bank Robbery—wants to share comfortable
chance to finish the previous night. cell with another convicted Moonlighter in
same prison. Don't w a n t bird-keeper, self-
proclaimed lawyer, o r book writer. This place
is lousy with them. Box 97 MT.
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II
And you call yourself a Plumber?!?

AN EARLY
You came in here just to fix a leaky
pipe... and now look what you've done!!

MORNING
BATHROOM
SCENE
turn on the cold water...
and the hot water goes on! turn on the hot water...
and the toilet flushes!

»l»=
You've displayed your incompetence to
the wrong man, sir! I'll see to it
Hello, Operator? Get me
The Plumbers' Union...
that you never work as a Plumber again!

48
ARE YOU HAUNTED BY THE GHOST OF
CHRISTMAS PRESENTS?
YULE CAPTURE THE "SPIRIT" BY GIVING (OR TREATING YOURSELF TO)

t
®m&m&
A NINE ISSUE SUBSCRIPTION TO MAD MAGAZINE $2.00
A LARGE-SIZE BUST OF ALFRED E. NEUMAN $2.00

HARD-COVER
DE LUXE
ANTHOLOGY $2.95

TEN 5 0 * MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS .TT77 $5.00

SON OF

MAD

TWO 350 MAD PAPERBACK BOOKS 70

THE LATEST
MAD ANNUAL 50
with its A FULL-COLOR
full-color PORTRAIT OF
fold-out ALFRED E. NEUMAN 25
paste-on
BONUS
"MAD
PAPERBACK PLUS A
COVERS" COUPLE OF
for camouflage SURPRISES
purposes
(use coupon or duplicate).
You guys sleigh me! I must have a Scrooge loose. Enclosed
is $ 1 0 . 0 0 * . Please send a "MAD CHRISTMAS GRAB BAG" to:
A $13.40+
MAD VALUE
NAMF
G R A B BAG FOR
ADDRESS**
8 5 0 Third Avenue
New York, N . Y . CITY STATE ZIP cone $10. 00
10022 . . . and send <i cheery Christmas Gift annouricement blaming: THIS OFFER
EXPIRES
MIDNIGHT,
DEC. 24th.
•CHECK OR MONEY ORDER ONLY —NO CASH ACCEPTED •NO ORDERS OUTSIDE THE U.S.A. 1963
 I'm the guy who puts
eight great tomatoes
in that
little bitty can!!
All day long — squashing, squooshing, s l a m m i n g , splattering . . . Y e c c c h ,
w h a t a m e s s ! T h a n k g o o d n e s s it's m y last w e e k a t t h i s g o o k y j o b ! N e x t
w e e k m y c o m p a n y s t a r t s u s i n g a n e w - t y p e c a n , a n d I'll b e able t o s t u f f
t h o s e e i g h t g r e a t t o m a t o e s i n t h a t little b i t t y c a n w i t h o u t e n d i n g u p
l o o k i n g like I've b e e n a t t a c k e d w i t h a m e a t c l e a v e r . M a i n l y b e c a u s e o u r
n e w "little b i t t y c a n " e x p a n d s i n t o a " b i g g y w i g g y c a n " like a n a c c o r d i o n .
EXPANDING CAN