OUR

PRICE

BUY CHEAP

No.

A N D HAVE A B A L L !
MAINLY, AFTER YOU FINISH READING, YOU END UP BEHIND IT!
 Watch out for this one!
When they deliver those gigantic "number l ' s , " you'll Who knows? Some insane insurance company keeps sending
need all the insurance you can get! Because they weigh them out. Near as we can figure, it's their demented way
two tons, and they've crushed delivery men, bystanders, of showing us how badly we need protection. Protection
and everyone else they've fallen on! What's it all for? from psychopathic insurance companies, it seems to us!

NATIONWIDE WARNING
BEWARE OF CRAZY INSURANCE COMPANIES
N U M B E R 81 SEPTEMBER 1963 VITAL FEATURES

LABELS WE SHOULD'VE SEEN 4

MAD looks around at all
the items labeled "New"—
"Perfected"-"lmproved"-
"you never know bow many friends you have until you rent a Summer place!" • BLUE fl and figures the originals
• B L A D E S I
Alfred E. Neuman must've been pretty lousy.
Hi '•«•* - - j p
P U B L I S H E R : W i l l i a m M. Gaines E D I T O R : A l b e r t B. F e l d s t e i n
MOVIE MONSTERS FROM LIFE 8
ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner
ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin Hollywood movie monsters
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman PUBLICITY: Richard Bernstein seem to be getting more
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Nelson Tirado . and more disgusting, but
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS: MAD tops them with these
The Usual Gang of Idiots every-day-life "horrors".

DEPARTMENTS
TODAY'S COMEDIANS IN THE PAST...14
A CURE FOR THE C O M M O N CLOD DEPARTMENT
We were going to write a
MAD's Wonder Drugs For Common Teenage Ailments 30 very clever five-line gag
AND THE BRAND PLAYED ON DEPARTMENT about this article . . . but
Labels We Should've Seen 4 a funny thing happened on
the way to the typesetter.
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Summer Camp 20
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT SUMMER CAMP 20
"The Class Program" 11 Anticipation, separation,
"Another Brain Operation" 24 and relaxation is exactly
" A Domestic Scene" 48 what Summer Camp means
FOR W H O M THE FOOLS TOOL DEPARTMENT - t o parents! But some kids
might enjoy going anyhow!
Popular Scientific Mechanics 41
HORROR THINGS BY YOU? DEPARTMENT
Movie Monsters From Everyday Life 8 BEATING TV COMMERCIAL BREAKS...25
JEST IN TIME DEPARTMENT This article has tips on
If Today's Comedians Performed In The Past 14 how not to waste valuable
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT time watching TV ads. You
can waste even less time
Spy Vs. Spy 19
by skipping this article.
Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 40
LETTERS PAGE DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2 WONDER DRUGS FOR TEENAGERS... 30
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT Teenagers can avoid much
Drawn-Out Dramas ** unbearable suffering with
OY-VAY-ALL BOATS DEPARTMENT these new "wonder drugs".
Now if somebody can come
Off The Deep End 33
up with a drug for M A D -
STEPPING AWAY FROM THE PITCH DEPARTMENT
Beating TV Commercial Breaks 25
TERM WARFARE DEPARTMENT IF COMICS BEHAVED LIKE PEOPLE... .34
. On The B e a c h - I n The Technology Of The Cold War 12 We show what comic strip
WHAT MORTALS THESE FOOLS BE DEPARTMENT characters would be like
If Comic Strip Characters Behaved Like Real People 34 3 L J if they behaved as "real"
)fZM people — proving that they
WHERE'S THE FIRE DEPARTMENT are better read than dead!
A MAD Look At Motorcycle Cops 38
**Various Places Around The Magazine
POPULAR SCIENTIFIC MECHANICS... .41
MAD—Sept., 1963 Vol. 1, Number 81, is published monthly except February, May, August and This MAD satire of them
November, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, New York. Second
Class Postage paid at New York, N. Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U.S. Elsewhere, "do-it-yourself" mags is
$2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire contents copyright 1963
by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be responsible for unsolicited really sour grapes since
manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A sim- we're all thumbs up here.
ilarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. So we "done-it-ourselves"!
HEX MaRKS LETTERS DEPT.
TUT-TUT!
The enclosed is a photograph of the re-

THE SPOT lief carved into the gilt wood box encas-
ing Tut-Ankh-Aman's sarcophagus, now
in the National Museum, Cairo. I'd say
there was plenty to worry about!
. . . MAINLY THIS SPOT-WHERE WE TRY
Ian Graham
TO SELL OUR LATEST POCKET-SIZE BOOK: Suffolk, England

SUMMIT MEETING
I was about up to here with President
Kennedy bits, but your article, "If They
Held A Summit Meeting At The White
House" was great!
Denise Ford
Brownsville, Texas
Satire in good taste is healthy and de-
sirable, but uncontrolled satire should not
destroy respect. Take heed; your jokes on
the intimate relations of the Kennedy
family are quite, quite stale.
No Name Given
University of California at Davis

Speaking as a Catholic, a Democrat,

and a New Englandah, I can only say that
"If They Held A Summit Meeting At The
White House" was the funniest, most
trenchant satire I've seen in the last 2 or 3
ENJOY THE 0 1 / BLACK-AND-WHITE MAGIC years. It far outdoes Mort Sahl or "The
First Family." Both caricatures and dia-
OF MAD'S SATIRICAL NEEDLINGS-FOR 50c logue were superb.
i use coupon or duplicate Howell Chickering, Jr.
Bloomington, Indiana W h a t — U S w o r r y ? W e k n e w it al the time!
MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT Take a look a t the cover of M A D #32!-Ed.
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
A CANADIAN BACON
• PLEASE SEND ME \J I ENCLOSE I'd like to thank you for a wonderful
"THE VOODOO MAD" 50c magazine. It's nice to read such satirical
wit in such a pleasing presentation. Your
ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: satire of the "Yellow Pages" advertise-
ments was priceless. I'd like to say more,
• The MAD Reader • Like MAD but unfortunately I'm exhausted. I'm not
• MAD Strikes Back • The Ides of MAD used to this idea: I let my feet do the
• Inside MAD • Fighting MAD
• Utterly MAD • The MAD Frontier writing!
Jack Harrison
• The Brothers MAD • MAD In Orbit Montreal, Quebec
I ENCLOSE 35c FOR EACH
NEWSPAPER STRIKE-BACK
In a recent edition of the "Seattle
ALSO PLEASE SEND ME: Times," one of the jokes in the humor
D The Bedside MAD • Don Martin Steps Out column came from MAD. The paper then
• The Son of MAD • Don Martin Bounces Back went on to refer to your magazine as "that
• The Organization MAD zany humor publication."
David C. Utevsky
I ENCLOSE 50c FOR EACH Seattle, Washington
That's f u n n y ! W e ' v e a l w a y s r e f e r r e d t o the
NAME. " S e a t t l e T i m e s " as " t h a t z a n y h u m o r p u b -
lication!"—Ed.
ADDRESS.

CITY -ZONE. H E L P US TO CLEAR OUR HEADS!

Because we're all stuffed up with ' e m ! Order your
STATE.
Check or money order only-NO CASH accepted
BISQUE CHINA BUST OF

—3
On orders outside U.S.A. add 10% extra
1 enclose
ALFRED E. NEUMAN
CHEAPER THAN EVER! $ for:
MAD BUST
850 Third Avenue, New York 22. N. Y.
Yep, it looks like our publisher is
getting cheaper than ever! He keeps
insisting we run these ads offering
m ij<M r - i 5V2" Bust(s)
L-J @ $2.00 ea.
NAME
full-color portraits of our "What — •m'1" * * • J K 5 3 |—I 3 % " Bust(s)
Me Worry?" kid, Alfred E. Neuman.
ADDRESS-
•—' © $1.00 ea.
They're suitable for framing or for CITY .ZONE.
wrapping fish. So if you want them, Check size(s)

sSU
simply mail 25c for each to: MAD, STATE.
and enclose
Dept. "What - Color?", 850 Third
Avenue, New York City 22, New York. proper amount (NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U.S.A.)
Check or money order only—NO CASH accepted
 FINK ALONG WITH MAD THAT'S YOUR VICE, BOY!
As a long-time fan of MAD, I was nuts
enough to be the first deejay to play your
I've been reading MAD, and I've been
reading other trash magazines, and I've
TEED
new "Fink Along With MAD" album. By
the way, the record makes a terrific flying
come to this conclusion: I've found
Some too strong;
OFF
saucer. I found that out when our Pro- Some too light;
gram Director ripped it off the turntable, But MAD has got
ran to the nearest open window, and The trash that's right! ..WHEN YOU
skimmed it across Central Park. Some That's right! That's right! GET TO THE
guys just aren't as "mad" as others! Paul Windish
Pete Myers NEWSSTAND
Burlingance, Calif.
WINS Radio LAND THE i
New York City ALFRED'S BRIGHT SAYINGS i LATEST
I have one question: How can an idiot ISSUE
like Alfie make such wise comments and IS ALL
truthful observations like those on the in- 1
dex page every issue? SOLD
Jimmy R. Thompson OUT
Fairborn, Ohio 7

T
I think that the best part of MAD Mag-
azine is the quotation by Alfred E. Neu-
man on Page 1. This works out very eco-
nomically as I can read it in the book-shop
and clear out before I'm asked to buy the
heap of garbage wrapped around it.
Thomas R. Strickland
Brisbane, Australia SUBSCRIBE
DEMOCRACY INACTION

Pete M y e r s A n d Friend
I can remember when, to get a copy of
MAD, I had to travel miles from home to
a little dive which specialized in hard-to-
get publications. Now, not only is MAD
MAD
Congratulations! You've done it again!
sold in respectable drug stores, but it's - A N D LET YOUR POSTMAN BE YOUR CADDY
even well-known enough to receive mail
I've just finished listening to your new from half-way around the world with no AS YOU PLAY THE NEXT "NINE" BY MAIL!
"Fink Along With MAD" record album. other address than Alfred E. Neuman's . — — - » — — use coupon or duplicate — — — .
It's a scream. The family is still rolling picture. (Letters Dept., MAD # 7 9 . ) Such
around on the floor, laughing. a success story could happen only in the MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS
Doug Poust United States. Anywhere else—you would 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
Warren, Pa. have been tarred and feathered after you
published your first issue. Okay! I see this is the only " c o u r s e "
left. Besides, I'm sick of your stupid
I just wanted to say that I think both Stephen Billard "approach s h o t s . " Here's the " g r e e n " —
your MAD records are the best albums Washington, D.C. mainly my $ 2 . 0 0 . Please enter my name
ever recorded. However, even if Alfred E.
on your subscription list, and send me
Neuman tried again, he would never be
WHAT KIND EDUCATION? the next 9 " u n d e r - p a r " issues of MAD.
able to equal "It's A Gas!" Congratula-
And now that I'm " t r a p p e d " — if they
tions on the funniest band ever cut! When I received my MAD pocket-size
d o n ' t come regularly, I'm gonna make it
Gary J. Bandur book order, I noticed that the outside ad-
" r o u g h " on you! It's the only " f a i r w a y " !
Chicago, Illinois dress label states that the package contains
"Educational Material." How do you fig-
ure that?
Your "MAD Extra" on the "Fink Craig Barnard NAME.
Along" record was the greatest yet! Only Kalamazoo, Michigan
MAD would have the idiotic nerve to ADDRESS.
present a song and then interrupt it with W e f i g u r e t h a t a f t e r y o u see w h a t y o u
the sound of a phonograph arm skidding g o t , y o u ' l l have l e a r n e d y o u r lesson!—Ed. CITY. .ZONE.
across a record. I jumped ten feet! I
thought it was my set! Please address a l l c o r r e s p o n d e n c e t o : STATE.
John Bienstock MAD, Dept. 8 1 , 8 5 0 Third Avenue Please allow 8 weeks for subscriptions to be processed
New York City N e w York City 2 2 , N e w York Check or money order only-NO CASH accepted

MAD RECORDS
TWO FOR THE HEE-HAW! 8 5 0 T h i r d Avenue, New York 2 2 , N. Y.
P l e a s e send m e :
D FINK ALONG W I T H M A D
• M A D " T W I S T S " ROCK ' N ' ROLL

I enclose:
• $ 4 . 0 0 for one D $ 8 . 0 0 for both
NAME
ADDRESS.
CITY .ZONE.
STATE
Check or money order only-NO CASH accepted
 AND THE BRAND PLAYED ON DEPT.

Doesn't it seem rather odd to you that so many products on the market these days carry words
like "IMPROVED," "PERFECTED? "NEW " and so forth on their package labels? Well, this
means only one thing to us: The original products were "OLD," "UNIMPROVED," "UNPERFECTED"

OMUSfflB
UNIMPROVED
Gillette
i l %w

WON-ADJUSTABLE
WITH

NON-SUPER
BLUE BLADES

FAT s~
RaZOR TO OPEN: PUNCTURE HOLES
-AND PROBABLY FINGM-
WITH SHARP INSTRUMENT
ta you'll really appreciate "Zip Top" which
M'H suddenly release years from now as "MEW

CLEANSER
S O M E BEARDS ARE LIGHT
S O M E BEARDS ARE HEAVY!
So some people will cut themselves...
and some people won't... with this...
NON-ADJUSTABLE RAZOR
« U INCLUDE AN INSTANT CHLORINE BLWj
BY Gillette ""EN OUR COMPETITORS START SELLING 0«

We do have an idea for an adjustable razor,

but it'll be more effective if everyone
finds out how lousy this one is first!
and so forth! (Un-so forth?) Anyway, to play it fair, MAD feels that products should carry
labels that warn unsuspecting consumers that the contents therein are not the best possible,
nor the most developed. F'rinstance, compared to their recent counterparts, here are some . . .

wmm m PHOTOS BY LESTER KRAUSS

W R I T E R : DICK DE BARTOLO

Ws^

VA-
 SAFETY-CUSHIONED ENDS

SOON-TO-BE
OBSOLETE

Great for d c n g m o r ^ ou, ho*

THE BREAKFAST DRP

THAT TASTES VAGUELY
LIKE ORANGE JUICE-
 p£-a
-**&!®8g&.i
'*t«o &Ojt
***•>•*»

JAKES UP TOO MUCH

ROOM...
O N
*SHELF

'ftSK*

" ^ M I S E R A B L E PRY-OFF CAP!

|J
could be a T w i s t - O f f C a p , but we got
!
70,000,000 o f t h e s e t o g e t rid o f «

MOTTS UNECONOMICAL
SMALL SIZE
Contains half the amount of the "Family Size,"
which will appear as new in the near U\me\

Acwuce V, ; IMITATION
J Strawberry FLAVOR
("Real Strawberry Flavor" now m the works!)
• M WEir,ni isozsSS
MUTT TH

JELL-0
MADE STGAR ANO WATER
FROM APPLES

^ ^ ^ ^ To Be Replaced With
NON-INSTANT - REQUIRES TEDIOUS COOKING .. N e w mstant" soon
 HORROR THINGS BY YOU? PEPT.
A few years back (MAD #53), we noted how Hollywood was
scraping the bottom of the barrel trying to dig up new
and scarier movie monsters for their horror pictures —
monsters like "The Fly", "The Blob", "The Creature From
The Black Lagoon" and "Nick Adams". We then suggested
that Hollywood take a good look at the monsters being
created by Madison Avenue for their inspiration. Now,
we add more fool to the fire by suggesting t h e s e . . .

L-I

BEWARES
M E DOORS! DRAW Tffi BLINDS! TURN ODT THE LIGHTS!
The Neighbors Are Coming!
SEE THEM
produce snapshots
:-*C3 by the hundreds!

HEAR THEM
talk and talk for
hours about nothing!

WATCH THEM
eat every drop of
food in sight!

YOU'U
YOU'llt
AS THEY
SHfflEK S M g b GASP B STAY
« the bills
AND
STAY
AND

yj
K>
1\
IN

STARRING

DOWN 1 BLOCK
FRED

P 0 » ASTAIV1P MMLER
Md lr i
•,„ '° '» """g OCCUPANT as "mvicfei

Y\
'H*
 THE WIND
ill
THE SUN THE RAIN THE BLOCK
CARRIED GERMINATED NURTURED COMPLAINED
IT! IT! IT! ABOUT IT!
IT W A S A DAY OF THEY DUG- THEY PULLED- THEY SPRAYED -
INCREDIBLE HORROR ! r THEY FOUGHT IT WITH THEIR BARE HANDS!

FIRST, -48^; THEN, NOTHING COULD STOP IT!

THE
TV SET
THE CAR ^^?X
WOULDN'T
BLEW! START!
% >1m
•m *r>*.

THEN,
THE V?
AIR-CONDITIONER f
STOPPED!
• ^ V
\a

THEN-
THE STOVE, THE REFRIGERATOR, THE TELEPHONE,
THE WASHING MACHINE, THE DISH WASHER, EVEN ; #
THE COFFEE MAKER SUDDENLY WENT ON THE BLINK!
THEY WERE FORCED TO LIVE A SAVAGE
EXISTENCE... CUT OFF FROM CIVILIZATION BY

m JX \* A«

THE

1
•ii E
MACHINES
MAR 0N SOPHIA TERRY
Wttk' fUAlPV n.Vl. '
W i t n . CHANEY BACALL LAWN LAWN M O W E R *
A Reddy Kilowatt Production W R I T E R : E. NELSON BRIDWELL
ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO
 BUT DID THEY DARE?!
TERRORIZED PEDESTRIANS
TRYING TO CROSS THE STREET

*V*£ TRAPPEDFOREVER
HALF-CRAZED" MOTORISTS
O N THE

ISLAND OF
I M
DMEN
m SSL t i n FORD S S L HORNE
and featuring "The CADILLACS"- singing "Old Volks at Home"

PARIS DESIGNERS WOMEN'S MAGAZINES MEN AND BOYS

HIRED THEM! PHOTOGRAPHED THEM! LAUGHED AT THEM!
The Gaunt, Corpselike Creatures w i t h Gruesome Make-Up
and Abominable Hairdos, wearing Grotesque Costumes!

WHAT WERE THEY?

RAVEN RANT NOAH MOTION

as "The Leading as "The Leading
M a n " - a square
Lady" whose method
was madness in the round

ther with rriost weak hams'

' A plentiful lack of wit, tog
- W a r n Shakespeke < HAMLET A c . 2 S
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I

THE CLASS PROGRAM

•j$*<wL\fjyp.
mj**f-

iCLAP;,
Tff\[**1f^Y M£s
-pirn-//-
 TERM WARFARE DEPT.

Some MAD O b s e r v a t i o n s made w h i l e . . .

ALL SYSTEMS "GO" RE-ENTRY PROBLEM OVER-FLIGHTS

V

SECURITY MEASURES CONDITION "RED"

IN THE TECHNOLOGY ARTIST: JACK RICKARD
WRITER: PHIL HAHN

OF THE "COLD WAR"

MASSIVE RETALIATION SECURITY LEAK

V^

°M, iy&j±
^ ^

FALLOUT PROBLEM

DE-CONTAMINATION

POLICE ACTION

~*. * »
 JEST IN TIME DEPT.
You often hear today's comedians complaining about the bookings they get and the audiences they have to
work to. F'rinstance, many don't like performing in night clubs where they have to put up with drunks and
noisy hecklers. Others don't like to work in front of TV audiences from out of town. Still others complain about
the conditions at live outdoor concerts, etc. Well, we at MAD think today's comedians should stop complain-
ing, and thank their lucky stars they were born in this day and age when people appreciate show biz and want
to be entertained. If you think it is rough now, imagine what it was like centuries ago, when people were
more reserved, serious and completely lacking in a sense of humor? Mainly, here's what it might've been like

IF
MODERN COMEDIANS
PERFORMED FOR
CIVILIZATIONS IN THE PAST
If BOB HOPE p e r f o r m e d d u r i n g the d a y s of THE N O R S E M E N . . . (900 A.D.)
 If BILL D A N A (JOSE JIMENEZ) performed for THE M O O R S . . . (1080AD.)
And now, before we My nayme—Jose Jimenez!
go into battle with A n ' I jave come t o amuse
our hated and feared you in your jour of
enemy across the sea, a-tension before you go
we have a man who has hinto battle with your
come t o amuse us in jated and feared enemy
our hour of tension. across the sea , . .
What is your name, Sir?

ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER

W R I T E R : ARNIE KOGEN
If JACKIE M A S O N performed during the time of GENGHIS K H A N (1200 A.D.)
And now, Mighty Khan, Conqueror of Asia, To tell you the t r u t h , Genghis, I don't That's some achievement! 6000 women!
great warrior, leader of the Mongol Hordes, know how I can follow such an intro- How do you do it? I know back home—I
ravager of 3000 villages, slayer of duction! I mean, I know I'm a hit! I'm a kiss even one girl, my family doesn't
40,000 enemies, abductor of 6000 women — terrific sensation! But as sensational let me hear the end of it! But you get
Oh, gentle, sensitive Emperor—we have as I am . . . as big a hit as I am . . . involved with 6000 women, and you're
for your entertainment, after your weary even I can't compare with the ravaging the hero of two continents!
journey, a young man from the West— of 3000 villages, and (hoo-hah!) the
JACKIE MASON! abduction of 6000 women!
don't care if you had Mongol Hordes!
Schmongol Hordes! I give you credit!
You're terrific! In your own way, you
are almost as terrific as I am!

If DICK GREGORY performed during the days of THE WILD WEST (1870 A.D.)
/u n.u.)
I had quite a journey out here! I came

LI
Now all you gamblers stop Hi, podners! So I had to move t o the outskirts
your f i g h t i n ' an' drinkin', I'm what the by covered wagon! It's a good t h i n g of t o w n . But as soon as I did, the
'cause we got a new funny- Civil War President Lincoln issued that " E m a n c i - Indians started moving out. They
man . . . first t i m e in these was all pation Proclamation"! For a while, said they didn't w a n t t o live next
parts . . . who's gonna tell about! they wanted me to pull the wagon! And door to me because I'd lower the
you about some right topical when i tried to check in at the hotel property values in their neighbor-
goings-on . . . DICK GREGORY! here in Dodge City, they said, "The hood! What were they worried I'd
owner don't allow your kind in here!", do? Let my teepee run down?
so I said, " I ' l l go see Bat Masterson!
He'll help me out! He's the champion
of law and o r d e r ! " A n d they said, "Are
you kidding? He's the owner who
made the rule!!"
 j-4-M-iLEnr

Let me tell you what a hit I am here today! STOP! ENOUGH OF THIS MADNESS! I, The
I'm doing great! I'm such a tremendous hit Great Khan will not tolerate such insults
But if you're going to be such a tremendous t o myself and my mighty Mongol Hordes!
conqueror, you should change your name! here in the Orient, that an hour after
Remove this strange foreigner who speaks
Genghis . . . ! ! This is a name for an Emperor? people hear my act—they feel like hearing
in t h i s ridiculous tongue, and put h i m in
That's a name for a laundryman! Or a tailor! it again! And I wish myself a lot of luck!
the Torture Chamber with the rest of the
But not an Emperor! Now KHAN! That's a name! And I wish on your Mongol Hordes
dialect comedians!
But the first name—it's got t o be something whatever they wish on YOU! And I wish on
mighty—names like we've got back home . . . YOU whatever you wish on ME! And I don't
MURRAY KHAN! Or SEYMOUR KHAN! need YOU! And you don't need ME!
And t h a t ' s how—

•W ^7—^SM^

I
So the hotel here wouldn't have me, and Y'know, one of these days, the West is right! That's enough, young
the Indians here wouldn't have me! Which gonna have something all America will be feller! The audience isn't payin'
means that not only couldn't I get a proud of . . ."Integrated Posses"! See, I no mind to yuh! You're losin' 'em m I
reservation—I couldn't even get ON one! know the posses are segregated because I with all that talk about property
But there's one consolation! They both tried to join one! But the outlaw gangs values an' segregation. They ain't
agreed to take my WHITE horse! I thought out here aren't! They're liberal! In fact, read up on that stuff . . . don't
about doing a " S i t - D o w n " protest, but I a Negro friend of mine was hired by the know what you're talkin' about!
changed my mind! The only thing you can Dalton Gang—as a train robber! But he Come back when yuh learn t' tell
"Sit D o w n " on around here is cactus! didn't work out! The railroads would only jokes about gamblin' an' women
let him rob the back car of each train! an' clever stuff like t h a t ! !
If JACK E. LEONARD performed at the time of THE P I L G R I M S . . . (1620AD.)
Thank you for that great round of Hello there, ladies! I didn't G That group in the back! What happened?
indifference! I wanna say to you recognize you without your brooms! I Somebody steal your turkey? And that
Pilgrims that I just finished a man there—Governor John Carver—good
successful three-week booking in to see they finally let you out of
I knew you came over here for your the Pillory!
Salem—introducing the witches—
freedoms, but does t h a t mean freedom
and the folks up there gave those
from laughter?!
girls a better reception than One of my stock jokes! Y*A\\
you gave me!
e goes a Pilgrim with a ser
numor—rolling in the aisle- Say, I have an idea! Why don't you
And I just wanna say that it's convulsed with silence! all leave, and I'll do my act to
appropriate working here at Plymouth y, the ROCK! I'd have more chance
Rock, because this is the most STONE- for laughs that way!
faced audience I've ever seen!

Take a good look at me! Don't you

vT No, I think he did a great job of
recognize me? I also came over on getting the Mayflower to A m e r i c a -
e Mayflower! I was the ballast!

wfrifc 1L I
About the Mayflower's captain—there
K considering he forgot to untie the
ship from the pier back in England!

2EE
But serially, folks, I know what a
hard journey you've had, and I hope
you find peace and contentment . . .
but not on this continent! Australia,
And I wanna tell you—I saw that maybe! And watch yourselves at all
he is—Captain William Bradford, the document you Pilgrims wrote on the times! And—why's everybody leaving?
"Smash of Two Continents," or is it ship—"The Mayflower Compact"—Let Aren't you gonna stick around for the
'Smashed on Two Continents"?—I just face it—a "Magna Carta" it's not! Indian raid! I've scheduled one for
wanna say he's one of the great ocean I've seen better written grocery lists! l a t e r . . . and . . .
navigators of all t i m e ! And as soon
as he gets over his fear of the water,
he'll be okay!
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I
Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a
"Castro Convertible", brings us another MAD installment of that friendly
rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known a s . . .
 BERG'S-EYE VIEW PEPT.
David Berg has written this article
in an attempt to recapture that great
moment when he was nominated as "The
All-Around Camper." In fact, he still
believes he's "The All-Around Camper."
But since Dave now weighs 230 pounds,
the best that can be said i s . . . he's
an "ALL-ROUND Camper!" So here is
his overweighted-with-laughs idea of

Look at all this And don't OH, NO! I REFUSE! Then how the heck is Listen, Sheila! All the
equipment I had to forget the I will not spend weeks she gonna know her girls in camp will have
buy for her! $300 name tapes sewing name tapes on stuff f r o m the 200 their names on their
worth—and she'll you gotta all these things!! other kids' in camp?! things—so remember,
probably never get sew on every whatever doesn't have a
to use half of it! item! ~M name on it is yours!!

Eddie, I want you to This nice boy's Jerry Kessalman!!

meet some of the kids name is . . . e r . .
in your bunk . T
 WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Stop crying and be a man! I'm ashamed of you! You're a grown-up younf
Big men don't cry! All Eight years old, and fella! Act your age! ! !
you're doing is going off carrying on like a ">
to a wonderful summer camp! BABY!

C'mon, Eddie! I'll This is Reno Zuccaro—

introduce you to the and this is Jessie Gray—
rest of the kids . . . and this new boy's
name is . . . e r . . .
 The kids in the Mess Hall Look at that poor little
are too quiet! We got parents Harold Sokolsky! Everybody's
visiting! I want t h e m t o t h i n k
we run a happy camp! Go trip
YAHOOf,#PP£E.' , parents came but his! Isn't
that heart-breaking!!
a waiter!
HE'I A H&O' HE'S A HEHOJH«« * » « * « , «

Let's go, boys! Yea h, but Okay! Everybody get ready " . . . and the food at camp " . . . please keep sending
You know you've what do and I'll dictate . . . is okay, but I get hungry those packages of food,
got t o write a we write, I I around bedtime, so . . . " like salami and cookies,
letter a day t o Uncle "Dear M o m and Dad, because m y provisions are 7|
your p a r e n t s - Murray? I am fine. I hope you running low!
are the same . . . " Your loving son,

Oh, boy! What Me, Yeah, but we

a supper! I'm too! better hurry
full! before the
line gets too
V long!!
 Peggy, darling!! We're Oh, Rexy—I missed
here!! Mommy and Daddy!! you so much!!

Please, Mom! Look how Your ears Now let me Watch it,
You didn't
Don't kiss me skinny you are dirty! get a shot Dad! You're
kiss your
in front of got! Aren't Are you of you on tipping the
Sister! Go
the fellows! you taking brushing the diving canoe!!
kiss your
your teeth board!!
your Sister!
every day?
vitamins?!

THIS IS TABLE THIS IS TABLE THIS IS TABLE YEAH! WHERE THE

NUMBER ONE! NUMBER TWO! NUMBER THREE! HECK I S
WHERE THE HECK WHERE THE HECK WHERE THE HECK
TABLE FOUR?!!
IS TABLE TWO? IS TABLE THREE? IS TABLE FOUR?

/yyM^AAAT vw??wz\ ^TW

Well, here it is—the last Palm Sunday?! At

visiting day! If there's the end of August??
anything I can't stand,
it's this "Palm Sunday"!!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

ANOTHER BRAIN OPERATION

/ And now, the moment we've all been
/y^\ waiting for...a chance to see the
most wondrous part of the human
anatomy... the brain... in action!!
 STEPPING AWAY FROM THE PITCH DEPT.
W h e n you watch television, and the " C o m m e r c i a l - B r e a k " comes o n , do you just sit there
stupidly, listening to idiotic advertising claims? Did you ever stop to figure out that
you waste 120 to 150 seconds every time that happens? Aren't there more important things
you could be doing in that time—like making a snack, or going to the " J o h n " , or taking
care of other neglected chores? W e l l , now that TV Commercial-Breaks are becoming longer
and more frequent, your editors feel that it is imperative that we present to the public:

THE MAD PLAN

FOR BEATING
TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: AL JAFFEE

MAD EXPERT DEMONSTRATES EFFECTIVE USE OF TV COMMERCIAL-BREAK TIME

Value of intense training is shown by As opening shot of commercial flashes First stop is Bathroom—where expert
expert. Sensing impending commercial- on T V screen, MAD expert blasts off performs chore he has practiced and
break, he assumes a "ready" position. on well-planned 120-second mission. perfected to last exactly 24 seconds.

Second stop is his Bedroom—where he Next stop is Kitchen—where he makes Last stop is back into T V seat—with
answers three Homework questions, or 2 Baloney-and-Cheese sandwiches, and food from Kitchen—in 5 seconds flat
studies one paragraph in 42 seconds. pours a glass of milk in 49 seconds. . . . just in time for resumed program.
 NEW MAD PRODUCTS FOR USE
People in top physical condition can get around much faster and
accomplish a lot more than people who are older and slower. MAD
plans to introduce special aids for these slower people to help
THE CORNER
Old W a y

=s*9iS*B¥'firimiAwJ~Lj^s<fom~-
As Commercial-Break comes on, viewer Due to inertia, viewer loses precious Even sadder is when he loses balance,
bolts from chair, heads for kitchen. time making wide turn rounding corner. hits wall, and misses rest of program.

ELECTRIC-EYE
Old W a y

As Commercial-Break comes on, viewer When he gets to door, he has to stop Sometimes he forgets, and pushes door
bolts from chair and heads for door. and pull it open, losing 3Vi seconds. open, losing $20.00 — for a new door.

THE W A R N I N G BUZZER THE TELEPHONE CUT-OFF SURE-GRIP OVERSHOES

Attaches to T V set. Operates when it Attaches to your telephone. W h e n any These soft rubber soles fit over your
picks up extra-loud irritating volume call lasts longer than a Commercial- shoes and make it possible to execute
of commercial, automatically shutting Break, just press the special button swift, safe, silent movements during
off sound. 10 seconds before program which produces noisy interference on "commercial dash". Highly recommended
is about to resume, sets off warning the phone lines, giving you a perfect for large families that sound like a
buzzer. Good for taking quickie naps. excuse to get off and back to T V set. thundering herd stampeding thru house.
26

-
 !
DURING TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS $£
them make the most of T V Commercial-Break time. These devices
will also help the people in top physical shape by cutting down
the accident rate during those moments of wild dashing around.

GRAB-BAR
New Way—with Corner Grab-Bar

Viewer again bolts from chair, heads But this time, "grab-bar" is there — Hurled safely in right direction, he
for that tricky, treacherous corner— a n d he can make tight, graceful turn. also shaves 4 sees, off his best time.

DOOR-OPENER
New Way —with Electric-Eye Door-Opener

As commercial comes on, viewer jumps Broken light beam automatically opens And h e passes through safely, saving
up, breaking electric eye light beam. door in plenty of time for v i e w e r . . . time a n d money . . . and mainly, injury.

MASTER CONTROL PANEL

This is a somewhat elaborate and expensive item, b u t well button. By the time he arrives at his destination, things
worth it for those who want to save u p to 50% more time. a r e ready a n d waiting, eliminating much wasted effort. A
As Commercial Break comes on, viewer presses appropriate custom-made hook-up can be designed for individual needs.

START STOP
er master uoneerot uanupener Dispos
TURN
!: * ^ *17 ^ _ ,. TURN ON O ON (
. Cold Water Tap Hot Water Tap

OFF .OFF OFF OFF OFF OFF ACTIVATE Q ADVANCE Q

Mall Bathr'm Den Liv'r'm BedVm Basem'nt Tea Bag Dipper Toilet Tissue
SPECIAL M A D TV GUIDE LISTS C O M M E R C I A L S
Tells exactly when commercials are scheduled, how long they will
last, and suggests things that can be accomplished during each.

MONDAY JULY 1

irid.jd.i5r.i»ni 2:28.00
Q
B RONZONI (60 sec.)
BUFFERIN (60 sec.)
B MANISCHEWITZ WINE (60 sec.)
QUAKER OATS (60 sec.) IB PLAYTEX BRA (60 sec.)
AJAX (60 sec.) 2:39.00 0 KLEENEX (60 sec.)
HAMILTON DRYER (60 sec.) O GOODYEAR TIRES (60 sec.)
VAN HEUSEN SHIRT (60 sec.) 0 RITZ CRACKERS (60 sec.)
R0T0-R00TER SEWER (60 sec.) tB MELVIN'S BOOKIE JOINT (60 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 2:30.00 H STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) Q STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 0 STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) CD STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.) 2:30.10 0 "ED SULLIVAN" PROMO (20 sec.)
"THE NURSES" PROMO (20 sec.) • "CAR 54" PROMO (20 sec.)
"DR. KILDARE" PROMO (20 sec.) 9 "OPEN END" PROMO (20 sec.)
"OPEN END" PROMO (20 sec.) CD "CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.)
"DICK CLARK" PROMO (530 sec.) 2:30.50 O STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
"CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.)
2:31.00 0 MINUTE RICE (60 sec.)
FELS NAPTHA (60 sec.)
• UNCLE BEN'S RICE (60 sec.)
BORAX COLOR (60 sec.)
S CAROLINA RICE (60 sec.)
DRISTAN (60 sec.)
PALMOLIVE (60 sec.) B DICK CLARK'S RICE (60 sec.)
"CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) CD ROTO-ROOTER (60 sec.)
WORLD BOOK (60 sec.) 2:35.00 B FORD MOTOR CO. (60 sec.)
FRITOS (60 sec.) a CHRYSLER CARS (60 sec.)
SPRING CIGARETTES (60 sec.) 9 MACK TRUCKS (60 sec.)
LADY CLAIROL (60 sec.) B "DICK CLARK" PROMO (530 sec.)
"CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) CD FINK'S RICE (60 sec.)
CANNON TOWELS (60 sec.)
NAVY RECRUITING (60 sec.) BEST BET FOR GETTING THINGS DONE
SARAN WRAP (60 sec.)
CONGESTAID COLOR (60 sec.)
ALKA SELTZER (60 sec.)
"DICK CLARK" PROMO (530 sec.)
'THE TONIGHI SHOW"
ALPO DOG FOOD (60 sec.)
"CHANNEL 11" PROMO (60 sec.)
BOOK OF THE MONTH (60 sec.)
NESTLE'S COFFEE (60 sec.)
QUICK (60 sec.)
ROTO-ROOTER (60 sec.)
MURINE (60 sec.)
SLEEPEEZ (60 sec.)
BROMO SELTZER (60 sec.)
FINK'S USED CARS (60 sec.)
STATION BREAK (10 sec.)
"CHANNEL 11" PROMO (20 sec.) JAM-PACKED WITH COMMERCIALS
HELENE CURTIS (60 sec.)
BORDEN'S (60 sec.) 24 120-Sec. Breaks This Evening!
SUNBEAM (60 sec.) Plenty of time to do the million- and-one things
.RING: THE FIVE MOST IRRITATING COMMERCIALS "DICK CLARK" PROMO (530 sec.)
ROTO-ROOTER (60 sec.) you've been putting off-ond still see a great show!!

TV COMMERCIAL GUIDE

POPULAR OLD GAMES RE-DESIGNED TO FIT

Many people have nothing in particular to do during T V to the sickening fate of having to watch the disgusting
Commercial-Breaks, but that's no reason to abandon them things. Besides, T V itself has already cut down sharply

Checkers Scrabble Monopoly

 MAD-DESIGNED HOME
IS SPECIALLY ORIENTED TO
TV COMMERCIAL-BREAKS
T h e "MAD T V Home" is specially designed for people who
Wash Dishes Rinse Dishes Stack Dishes want to make the best use of T V Commercial-Break time.
during CONGESTAID during BORDENS during FRITOS Note that centrally-located T V Room has doors leading
commercial commercial commercial
to every other room in house. T h i s design makes it as
(60 sec.) (60 sec.) (60 sec.)
easy to dash into the kitchen for a quick "snack" as it
is to rush pell-mell into the bedroom to make up a bed.

TV COMMERCIAL-BREAK TIME SCHEDULES

on the amount of time people used to spend playing games. these old favorites have been re-designed by MAD so that
Although full-size games would be interrupted too often, an entire game can be completed during a Commercial-Break.

9-Card Deck. 12-Pocket, 3-Ball Pool Table Cross-Word Puzzle

ACROSS
I . W o r n on foot
5. Toward
7. 5th letter of
alphabet
8.15th letter of
alphabet
9. Man's name
I I . Go by
3.15th letter of
DOWN alphabet
1. Halt 4. Long, slimy fishes
2. How to tell a 9. Conjunction
horse to stop.
 A CURE FOR THE COMMON CLOD DEPT. "FLUNK-ITIS"
Today, a great deal of time and money's being
spent to study the special ailments of Senior
Citizens. Which is okay with us. But it high-
lights the fact that no one is interested in
spending a nickel for research into special
ailments that afflict our Junior Citizens —
the Teenagers of America! How about trying
to understand and develop wonder drug cures
for some of the common maladies that make a
Teenager's life miserable? Something like . . .

MAD'S Flunk-itis strikes its victim when he is least prepared . . . like

with his homework. It is caused by over-exposure to electronic
impulses emitted from television sets. Symptoms are: Temporary
paralysis of the vocal chords, and a sinking feeling in the pit
of the stomach when called on. Flunk-itis sufferers can easily

WONDER be identified since they are usually 2 years older than class.

"STRIKEOUT-ITIS'

DRUGS
For*
Common
Teenage Strikeout-itis attacks young males, and is caused by contact with
the opposite sex while breaking out in a cold sweat and standing in
a sudden draft of chilling fear. Symptoms are: (1) Being tolerant

Ailments of remarks like, "It's been a lovely evening—please don't spoil ft!"
or "My parents are light sleepers!" and (2) Accepting a handshake
for "Goodnight!" Sufferers can be identified by (1) Their consuming
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE self-hatred, and (2) Their absence from the Diner after dates, since
WRITER: STAN HART they have nothing to brag to the guys about, and can't lie very well.

"REUNION-ITIS" M A D WONDER DRUG

"The Effective Remedy for Family Gatherings"

Reunion-itis victimizes teenagers of large sociable families.

DOSAGE:
It occurs at reunions of these families by (1) Honor student
cousin to whom teenager's mother refers when she asks, "Why 1 Tablet before "Cousin Club" Meetings
can't you be like him?" (2) Hideous female cousin with whom 2 Tablets before "Family Circle" Meetings
3 Tablets before Weddings and Catered Affairs
reunion-itis victim must dance in order to butter up a rich
old aunt, and (3) Pompous Uncle who chastizes teenage victim
with such idiotic drivel as, "When I was your age, I didn't
30 have it so good! I was shining shoes and delivering papers!"
 MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS

"Snowjobberoi" drains all 8 memory areas of the brain, permitting student

to recite with ease everything he can remember, whether it applies to the
question or not. By responding to History questions with Biology answers,
Math questions with English Literature answers, etc., Snowjobberoi user
makes teacher doubt his own sanity, and students admire him since they
have been taught to have a high regard for anything they can't understand.

MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS

Each "Antichickenin" capsule contains hundreds of time pills. When boy

first meets girl, some of these time pills enter the bloodstream, giving
him the courage to hold her hand. Later, as more time pills dissolve, he
gets the nerve to put his arm around her. And at the end of the evening,
he's got the guts to give her a whammo goodnight kiss that's guaranteed
to keep his date awake all night thinking about it. With "Antichickenin"
capsules, lovely evenings are not spoiled, parents sleep sounder, and at
the Diner, former Strikeout-itis victim becomes leader of his own clan.

RESULTS

sg^
"Counterattacktin" guarantees its user to be the scourge then tells her he doesn't like the perfume she is wearing
of family gatherings by acting thusly: (1) When victim — after first determining she isn't wearing any perfume.
confronts honor student cousin, he poses questions like: (3) To uncle who says, "When I was your age I didn't have
"How tall is Troy Donahue?" and "What color pajamas does it so good! I was shining shoes and delivering papers!"—
Sandra Dee sleep in?" These are areas neglected by most the victim replies, "I understand things aren't so good
honor students so he is devastated and "Counterattacktin" for you now! Aren't you still shining shoes and deliver-
user triumphs when cousin's intellect is discredited. (2) ing papers?" "Counterattacktin" is not habit-forming.Taken
To persistent ugly girl cousin, victim asks her to dance, once, you'll never be asked to another Family Gathering! 31
 NO-DOUGH-ITIS" MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS

No-Oough-itis is an hereditary disease. It is " B i g Dealzin" destroys t i m i d i t y on contact. The

passed on t o the younger generation by parents voice takes on authority. Teenager intimidates
who suffer f r o m an ailment known as "Cheap-itis". gas station attendants with his determination.
A No-Dough-itis victim can be identified by his They are thrilled with his 350 purchase, and
exotic automotive habits. On hills, he cuts off fawn all over h i m with free air, free oil check,
his engine and coasts. He buys gas by the drop. clean windshield and green stamps. " B i g Dealzin"
And the blood drains f r o m his face if his date user is so c o m m a n d i n g t h a t sharing a Coke with
mentions stopping somewhere f o r food. Recently, him becomes a status symbol for girls. And they
No-Dough-itis sufferers have started a campaign will beg h i m t o cut off his engine and coast —
to relieve their plight. It is called " s t e a l i n g " . just t o hear t h e resonant sound of his voice.

BEAST-ITIS' MAD WONDER DRUG RESULTS

INSTANT

FINK
FOR FAST,
FAST
BLIND DATE
RELIEF
Beast-itis infects young males whose resistance When Beast-itis victim discovers he is stuck,
is lowered by: (1) Mentioning t o mother that he " I n s t a n t F i n k " quickly unsticks h i m . By merely
has a free Saturday night, (2) Having a mother
Ends Suffering popping t w o " I n s t a n t F i n k " pills in his m o u t h ,
whose friend has a teenage daughter, and (3) in sufferer suddenly runs extremely high fever and
Not knowing when she says his " b l i n d d a t e " has 60 Seconds breaks out in blotchy rash resembling symptoms
a "wonderful personality", t h a t ' s just mother- of Bubonic Plague. Since girl cannot score on
talk for "She's a d o g ! " Symptoms are: a sudden SEE REVERSE SIDE FOR looks, she tries t o rack up points for kindness
SIMPLE ANTIDOTE and suggests that victim go home. He tears him-
urge to c o m m i t either suicide, matricide, blind-
daticide, or all three. Beast-itis victims can self away with great reluctance, heads for near-
be seen walking to deserted movie theaters t h r u et drive-in, takes antidote (glass of water),
dark streets, followed by an eager female f o r m . picks up car-hop, turns disaster into victory.
OY-VAY ALL BOATS DEPT.

THE DEEP END

 If PEANUTS
WHAT MORTALS THESE FOOLS BE PEPT. behaved like real-life children
The characters in the comic strips do things I GOT A MEO) ) 50 U)HO CARES {
L0A6OM! /ANYWAY, MY PAPPY
that their real-life counterparts can only 16 A R2UCEMAM/
dream of doing. That's why we enjoy them so
much. Through them, we can escape into a far
more exciting and interesting world than the
mundane one we live in. So even though they
act completely unbelievable, we accept comic
characters as if they were real living people.
Which is why we feel it'd be such a shock...

IF If DICK TRACY

COMIC STRIP behaved like an ordinary cop

I GOT YOUR CALL ON X WE GOT
THE WHATCHAMACALLIT, i ANOTHER n
CHIEF.' WHAT'S UP.' / O N E O F

CHARACTERS
THOSE HIDEOUS
CRIMINALS
HOLED UP/

BEHAVED
LIKE
ORDINARY If SUPERMAN
behaved like any normal guy
I CAN HARDLY WAIT TO GET TO \£T
LOIS'S APARTMENT...COCKTAILS,

PEOPLE DINNER, SOFT MUSIC, AND...

ROWRRFF/.'

34
ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: A L JAFFEE
 Y'KNOWtOHAT SUESS l^HAT I'M
IV LIKE/ IV GOMNA (SET FOR.
LIKE A 6REEN MY BIRTH PAY/?/
SKY//

ScMUTZ^

CAUTIOUSLY TRACY ENTERS... MUCOUS-FACE

N-NO FUNNY S-S-TUFF, NOW.' GOT AWAY WHILE
TURN AROUND S-SLOWLY TRACY WAS
AND K-KEEP TH-THOSE... HEAVING, CHIEF'
If POGO characters behaved like real animals

If MANDRAKE THE MAGICIAN had true-to-life talents

WHY YOU STANP THERE BECAUSE, LOTHAR, YOU
LOOKING STUPID MANPRAKE? IPIOT, I CAN HYPNOTIZE
WHY YOU NOT GESTURE YOU INTO THIN KINS THE
HYPNOTICALLY ANP TIRE \e FIXEP.r
F/X TIRE?
^- ^1

If B.C. characters acted like real cavemen

If BRINGING UP FATHER was about a real couple

If DENNIS THE MENACE had parents with normal patience

Enough is enough!!
37

_.
WHERE'S THE FIRE DEPT.
Sergio Aragones, who recently arrived at MAD from Mexico, made his debut
with the hilarious "A MAD Look at the U.S. Space Effort/' and is currently

A MAD LOOK AT M
filling our margins with his delightful "Drawn-Out Dramas/' now points
his satirical pen at a usually un-funny U.S. phenomenon, and gives us

s>—fo;
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II

And now, Mr. Prohias offers another installment in his contention that truth
is never all black nor all white—but merely shades of gray. He calls it . . .
FOR WHOM THE FOOLS TOOL DEPT.
The following is a MAD version of those popular "do-it-yourself" magazines. As for the rest of this
introduction, to help you get into the spirit, we've decided to let you do-it-yourself. Ample space
follows:

, so here i s . . .

41
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: AL JAFFEE
 JULY 1963 Vol.119 No. 53
POPULAR
SCIENTIFIC
MECHANICS
'peatuncA o£ kittle ^Ktencdt
Fallout Found to Have Certain Benefits 83
Human Livers From Foam Rubber 85 Winning Golf Score
Food-and-Toothpaste Combinations Clean Your Teeth
W h i l e You're Eating 87
M a n - M a d e Lightning Emits Great Big Boom 88
New Low-Priced Kit Converts B&W TV Set To Color
But Still Doesn't Improve Shows 90
Automation and Sex 91
PSM Shopping Guide: Buying an Ocean Liner 93
Road Tests Show Rolls Royce is Well M a d e 96
Putter-Shaped Rifle Guarantees W i n n i n g Golf S c o r e -
Now You Can Shoot Rest of Foursome 98
Should Parking Regulations be Suspended
During Nuclear Attack? 99
Surface Boat Quickly Converts to Submarine 104

How to Raise Surface Boat that Quickly

Converted to Submarine 105
u
E - Z - 2 - M a k e " Plans for Home Electric Chair 107
Target Practice for Crowded City Streets 109
Rebuilding a Crushed Car—For Those Who Followed
Last Month's "Building A G a r a g e " Ill
Drill Press Converts to Lawn M o w e r 112
Filling Accidental Holes in Your Lawn 114 Drill Press to Lawn
How to Build TV-Type Testing Machines— Mower Page 112
This M o n t h : "The N a s o g r a p h " 115
Playroom Decorated in Authentic 14th Century Style
Torture Chamber 117
Salvaged Washing Machine Motor
Drives 80 Passenger Elevator 119
How to Salvage 80 Passengers from Elevator
When Motor Drive Fails 120
Reaming Flobzits To Increase Multiphase Bleek
Grunz Converter Output Efficiency 121
Explaining the Above Article so Even a Simple Clod
Like You Can Understand It 122
How to M a k e Counterfeit M o n e y to Pay For
Fooling Around W i t h This Idiocy 132
Reduce Your Electric Bills—Splice Into Your
Service Line in Front of Your Meter 135
Building a Replacement When Your Wife Leaves You
For Fooling Around W i t h This Idiocy 148

7Uxt7K*nt6
How To Administer Mouth-To-Mouth Resuscitation
Without Becoming Emotionally Involved
 READERS' RASPINGS
mals to stand still long enough for me to stuff
them. What's wrong ?
Sidney Sproom
Gamey, Georgia
Actually, there were seven chapters on Taxidermy,
starting with the January issue, Sidney. We sug-
gest you get a hold of that first chapter as it con-
tains an extremely important first step!

PEACHY
My family and I built this house entirely out of
sandpapered peach pits following your plans (Proj-
ect #1569). We can hardly wait to move in, which
will be just as soon as we get out of the hospital
where we are being treated for Acute Pellagra due DJ
to eating nothing but peaches for the past nine-
and-a-half years.
John Malnutrition
Beri-Beri, Kansas
Thought you would like to see the way I finished
Project #2694 from your May issue. The plans
were easy to follow, but somehow I feel that I must
have made an error along the way. Can you tell me
where I went wrong ?
Marvin Piltz *
Fleabrain, Ohio
You didn't make the error, Marv—we did! Our lit-
tle ol' plan-maker slipped up all along the way. ('«£}
Where a specification should have read 3" he stu- GRATEFUL
pidly wrote 3'. Sorry! I made the "Nuts-And-Bolts Necklace" sug-
gested in your last issue. It turned out to be one
WHOA! of the best things I ever did. I gave it to my wife
Last year, you published six chapters on Taxi- on our 25th Wedding Anniversary, and my life has
dermy, starting with the February issue. I studied been a joy ever since she left me.
real hard and finished your course, but I keep on A. Freeman -us:?
having the same problem. I just can't get the ani- Peaceful, Utah

43
 ,»CK AND

w \ A 7 JOHHl WHEN YOU ^)p. J f PROP ] Iff

QVERYTHING COMES
TO HIM WHAT WAITS?
BALONEY.' I'VE BEEN
WAITIN'EIGHT YEARS
AM' I'M SICK OF I T !
HOW LONG CAN A
WIFE, HUSBANP
AND NINE KIPS
LIVE OH RELIEF?
STORV
THE- TRUELUg
%*\e \eJOHN W FUR?"
OC F O S T E N T ^ O R ^ FROM i J I COULDN'T REALLY BLAME JOHN FOR MOT
( ( FluES WANTIN' T' SO TO WORK. BEST JOB HE EVER HAP
MA\- SUCCESS
PAIP LESS'N WE SET FROM RELIEF.'
OUR c.s.i.

J\ ONE PAY, OM THE WAY OUT TO •£J SO I SECRETLY SENT FOR A [ 5 j JOHN'S COOLNESS UPSET ME.'
THE BACK HOUSE WITH A MAGA- C . S . I . COURSE I THOUGHT NOT ONLY WAS I STUCK WITH A
ZINE, I S A W A A P . . . WOULP FIT JOHN'S TALENTS. UNBREAKABLE CONTRACT-BUT IT
TOOK MOST OF OUR RELIEF CHECK
THIS C . S . I . AP SAY THEY CAN TEACH JOHN i LOOKEE HERE J EACH MONTHI
ANYONE TO MAKE BIS MONEY NO A C . S . I . COURSE
MATTER HOW STUPIP AM OF HOME STUPY
SHIFTLESS THEY IS WHAT GOIN' T '
THAT FIT MY JOHN TEACH YOU
PERFECT/ MAKE BIS
MONEY.'

L d A FEW MONTHS LATER, I WAS A FULL-

FLEPGED MEAT-CUTTER—MAKIN' BIS CORRESPONDENCE SCHOOLS
/MONEY AND BEST OF ALL, I PON' HAVE
TO SUPPORT THAT HO-GOOC LAZY BUM INTERNATIONAL C S I
HUSBANP SINCE HE MYSTERIOUSLY P I S -
APPEARED THE NIGHT I FINISHEP M Y
LAST LESSON.' 2906 Depressed Area Road, Wheeling and Dealing, West Va.
I HAVE CHECKED THE BIG MONEY JOB I WANT BELOW:
Nuclear Physicist Philosopher • President
_ Neuro-Surgeon D King
• Research Chemist Genius • Emperor
3 Int'n'l Banker Oil Tycoon n Dictator
j Financier Publisher • Vice Lord
J Shipping Magnate
Stockbroker • Mad Writer
Politician
Address.
City State Sex
Present inh Salary.
How Much You Need To Live. Left Over For Us .
 NEW ITEMS
ON THE MARKET
FUN GUN
REAL, BUT HARMLESS!
Most States do not allow any guns sold
without permits. Naturally, the type of
people who read this ad, especially kids,
have no such permits. But that's no rea-
son to deny them the simple and harmless
pleasure of owning and fondling and ca-
ressing their very own gun. So we've im-
ported these lovely German automatics

$9!
without firing pins. Naturally, without
their firing pins, it's okay to sell
them in every State, even to kids—but
of course ONLY as collectors' items.

FUN GUN • Box 5983, Luger, Wisconsin

Electric Outlet Tester Cord
This simple device affords a simple, yet
foolproof method for testing wall receptacles FIRING PINS-ONLY 5c
to find out whether current if flowing out or A r a r e opportunity for collectors of firing pins. Our
not. Available from "Hotline Industries, Inc." overseas buyer j u s t happened to come upon a large col-
Dept. Bzzt, Black Hand, South Dakota. $2.95 lection of new firing pins t h a t fit German automatics.

FIRING PINS, Box 5983, LUGER, WISCONSIN

NEW SECRET ARABIAN POWDER FORMULA

MAKES FISH BITE!

Inexpensive Burglar Alarm

Here's a sharp little item. When placed be-
neath a window, it quickly discourages any If you've ever been humiliated by fishing all day and not get-
burglar from breaking into your home. When ting a bite, here is your chance to get even. This secret pow-
you've made your point, an alarm is sounded, der has been used by generations of Arab Bedouins. When sprink-
according to how loud the burglar yells. Now led into water, it causes fish to suffer extreme itching sen-
sation. Not having any way of scratching, the fish become frus-
available through "Krook-Katch Industries," trated, then furious. They snap at anything. No hooks or bait
Dept. Y-i-i-i!, Hotfoot, Ohio, $5.95 each. needed. Simply stick end of rod into water, and dozens of fish
will clamp onto it. Caution: Powder's effects last for weeks,
SO SWIMMING CAN BE EXTREMELY DANGEROUS!

ITCHY FISHY BAIT

FISHY PRODUCTS CO., SUCKERCON, ARK.

BOOK OF SOLUTIONS TO
1000 REPAIR PROBLEMS

Ends Daily Garbage Problems

FREE!
Yes, you'll find t h e solution to every
Installed in a corner of your kitchen
floor, this attractive sunken garbage can repair problem, a n d you don't need tools
lid ends the messy job of carrying out for any of them. Available free. Call
the garbage daily, and makes it an easy your local telephone company a n d ask for
once-a-year affair, mainly when the basement
is filled up. Available through "Yecchh "THE CLASSIFIED TELEPHONE DIRECTORY"
Industries," Dept. Feh, Glop, Georgia. $11.95

,45
HANDY HINTS FOR HOME WORKSHOPS

CHISEL MADE FROM SCREWDRIVER SCREWDRIVER MADE FROM KNIFE

Filing the tip of a screwdriver down to the Now you need a screwdriver, because you made
widest p a r t and honing it to a sharp edge a chisel out of it. Don't fret. Simply snap
is a quick, easy way to make a handy chisel. off the tip of a knife flat, and you have it.

KNIFE MADE FROM SAW SAW MADE FROM SCRAPER

You need a knife, but the one you had is now You're out a saw now, because it's a knife.
a screwdriver. Well, just file the teeth off Well, that's easy. Simply file some teeth
a keyhole saw and then sharpen up the edge. into a paint scraper and you're in business.

SCRAPER MADE FROM FILE FILE MADE FROM STEEL RULE

Your scraper is now a saw, so if you need If you find you need a file because your old
one, take a flat file and grind all the cut- one is now a scraper, take a steel straight-
ting grooves off until it's flat and smooth. edge and cut cross-hatch grooves into it.

STEEL RULE MADE FROM CHISEL CHISEL MADE FROM SCREWDRIVER

Since your straightedge is now a file, and Filing tip of a screwdriver down to widest
you'll be needing one, take a long chisel, p a r t and honing to a sharp edge is quickest
mark off inches, and grind cutting edge flat. way to make a chisel — and here we go a g a i n !
SHOPCRAFTS PROJECT #2698

FULL SCALE STRATOJET

T HIS FULL-SCALE "STRATOJET," with a
range of over 5000 miles and a cruising speed
of over 600 mph, has been designed by our experts
Built Entirely of Scrap Materials
so that it can be easily constructed by our readers
using nothing but scrap materials and items found
around the home and in local junkyards. WORKING PLAN SHEET # 1 VOLUME 1
The plans (complete in this issue) clearly show FLATTENING CANS FOR "SKIN" OF PLANE
how these items can be adapted to the project. For
example, the jet engines are made out of old tank-
type vacuum cleaners. The passenger seats come
from razed movie theaters that have been con-
verted into supermarkets. Many shortcuts have
been included to speed assembly. Estimated time
of completion, calculated on the basis of an aver-
age family working during spare time, is 385
hours. Of course, that's an average Popular Scien- 2 . CUT EACH CAN
tific Mechanic editor's family, which numbers 345 LENGTHWISE
people. The average American family would have 1 . CUT BOTTOMS*
to spend about 132,625 hours. So set aside about AND TOPS OFF CANS
14% years, gang. 3 . RIVET METAL SECTIONS
•CHECK TO SEE IF CANS ARE
But it will be all worthwhile. The advantages of EMPTY TO A V O I D EXTRA WORK
TO RIBS OF PLANE
OF C L E A N I N G UP SPILLED G O O K .
owning a craft like this are limitless. For one
thing, it can be operated profitably as a commer- JET POD
cial conveyance in certain backward nations
where safety inspections are not strictly enforced. CONSTRUCTION
It can also be used for personal pleasure as an
ideal airborne mobile home.
Now let's get started: First comes the job of
collecting the junk materials necessary. A 50-ton
trailer truck would be helpful, but if this is not
available, you can always employ other methods
(Continued on pages 67 thru 3,488) ANCHOR TANK TYPE
LIST OF MATERIALS VACUUM CLEANER
AIRPLANE None! This is a full- TIN CANS 3,746,982 WITH CLIPS AND RIVETS
CEMENT size model, you idiot!
METAL 7,463,628,100.00
120 3-seaters for RIVETS (Cont. on pg. 4101) HOW TO MAKE RIVETS
OLD first class METHOD OF
40 2-seaters for 2 Volkswagen
THEATER economy class WHEELS 4 Mack Truck J ^ . FLATTENING
SEATS 2 1-seaters for
lavatories RIVETS
•»..•»• • —.• Aw, c'mon, this is
PROPELLERS ajet!
120 plastic for 1st
COFFEE class One each: Hammer,
CUPS 40 paper for pliers, scissors,
economy class pencil, drill, saw,
TOOLS can opener, X-acto
knife set, Box of METAL BLOCK
DANISH 120 stale one-day-old Bandaids, Scotch
PASTRY 40 fresh Tape (Cont. on page
4101) Continued on Pages 9,846 thru 22,849
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

A DOMESTIC SCENE
 JUST FOR THE RECORD
...THIS NEW

MAD
ANNUAL ~
IS WORTH
0\\G IV/^
THE PRICE!
Mainly, the real

33% R.P.M.
RECORD
we've bound into
every copy! SHE LETS ME WATCH
(The articles and HER MOM AND POP FIGHT
(N. Blagman-S. Bobrick)
ad satires are
the usual garbage I) MIKE RUSSO
Norick Music, Inc.
Ross Jungnickel, Inc.

ON THIS
'_ I

FROM
i § :T w 1 w 1 PRICE

50°
R.P> L&f

!CHEAP

MAJbT
•a*.

A V A Q at your local newsstand today,

% | I j l * buy a copy of this latest MAD
annual, and rush it right home!

at all the hilarious articles

LOOK and ad satires included —the
best from past issues of MAD!

to the free record-insert — a

LISTEN selection from our great new
album, "Fink Along With MAD"!

P L U S T H I S SPECIAL. FREE BONUS AND YOU'LL DISCOVER YOU'VE BEEN RAILROADED

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FROM OUR NEW HIT/FLOP (CHOOSE ONE)ALBUM

r^ ON SALE NOW!
 Ajxrjvotjjxrcinrci THEJVLL NEW

PHOTOGRAPH* BY SWEDOWSKY

The '63% Edsel Suburban — a new concept in Station Wagons

Once again, the company that set the

automotive industry on its ear when
Yessirree, we're taking the first steps to-
ward "Planned Monthly Obsolescence" m^i
A Division Of
it came out with its '63V2 models — — when every car owner will be shamed
FURD M O T O R S
which made all '63 models obsolete — into t r a d i n g in his old J u n e '64 car
"Pioneers in Planned
scores again with the all-new 63^4's! for a brand new shiny July '64 model. Monthly Obsolescence"