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No. 9 8
Oct. ' 6 5 STILL
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OLU S
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NUMBER 9 8 O C T O B E R 1965 VITAL FEATURES

SURFING
A MAD
'Stop complaining about the Summer heat! Just be grateful SPORTS
you don't have to shovel it /"—Alfred E. Neuman SPECIAL
Pg.5
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor
JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MECLiN associate editors
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN lawsuits RICHARD BERNSTEIN publicity
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD GRiLLO subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots FLAPPER
A MAD
TV
SATIRE
Pg.13
DEPARTMENTS
BATTLE HYMNS OF THE REPUBLIC DEPARTMENT
Fight Songs For The Common Man 22
BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT
More MAD Believe It Or Nuts 4
BERG'S-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Summer Evenings 38 MAD'S
SNAPPY ANSWERS
COUNTER-ACTING DEPARTMENT TO
MAD's Academy Awards For Small Businessmen 29 STUPID QUESTIONS
DEFEATING THE PORPOISE DEPARTMENT Pg.18
Flapper-A MAD TV Satire 13
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
A Dreadful Day 11
Early One Morning 28
One Summer Afternoon 48
FUDDY-DUDDY BUDDY SYSTEM DEPARTMENT MAD'S
MAD's Summer Camp For Adults 25 SUMMER
CAMP
JOHNSON'S WACKS DEPARTMENT
FOR ADULTS
The MAD United States Foreign Policy Primer 35 Pg.25
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
Spy Vs. Spy 21, 34
Spy Vs. Spy Vs. Spy 42
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
MAD'S
Drawn-Out Dramas ** UNITED STATES
ONLY FOR THE BOARD-MINDED DEPARTMENT FOREIGN POLICY
Surfing 5 PRIMER
Pg.35
PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPARTMENT
MAD's Snappy Answers To Stupid Questions 18
TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MASOCHIST DEPARTMENT
Lord Jump—A MAD Movie Satire 43
**Various Places Around The Magazine
LORD JUMP
A MAD
MAD—Oct. 1965 V o l . 1 , Number 9 8 , is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem- MOVIE
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid SATIRE
ot New York, N . Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 8 issues $2.00 or 24 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.;
8 issues $2.50 or 24 issues $6.25. Allow 6 weeks for change ot address to become effective. Entire con- Pg.43
tents copyrighted S I 9 6 5 by E.C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not be responsible for
unsolicited manuscripts and request a l l manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters used in a l l M A D fiction and semi-fiction ore fictitious. A similarity
without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
 ipajjejejd JtpJO <»uow JO ^>0ij3 S|IOUJ em ui uajots JO I,SO| HSDJ JOJ
©iqisuodtej oq IOUUOI o/v\ IDJjxg % Q t PPD ' ' V ' S ' f l eN< " P W O " ° p J ° " O
LETTERS DEPT.
"VSTI 9Mi W s><ooi o a a a 3AVQ D avw OOPOOA am n avw io uos a
sauojs e i sdoja NI1HVW NOO D v.vo ui avw D aVW 9P!spaa a m D
v<OBg saounog NI1NVW N 0 0 D J3RUOJJ aVW 941 • OVW sjaijiojg a m Q
m o sdais NI1MVW NOO D aVW 8u!Vj8!J D avw ^M9Hfi •
a v w io sapi a m • avw 9pisui n
J3|diues OVW 941 •
OVW 9PBlA|-i|9S 9M1 •
avw win a >ioBa saMMis avw D
OVW UO^BZJUBSJO 9U.1 D
OVW §uiy a a j m • japeay aVW 9 4 1 •
:
iWS OVW ^seajg D HQV3 dOJ * 0 S 3S013N3 I 3 W QN3S 3Svlld

300D
dIZ 31VIS BUGS ABOUT MAD BUGS
AJ.IO annaAv P ' m x 0 9 8
I think your "MAD Bugs" by this
ssauaav Baggi fellow are absolutely sensational."!

—
1 I V W
— — — — a x v o n d n a HO NOdfiOO 3S0
AO S U n O A H O - a N V l S N O O S
3WVN

3 1 l « O A V J
avw MHOA X V
He is a real credit to your staff. Mainly,
he's the only one who shows any cre-
ativity. It is really fascinating how he
makes those cute little monsters for your
subscription ads out of all that junk. But
then again, working with junk seems to
be a fad around your offices.
Ken Baird
Helena, Montana
MARKET SURVEY
In your latest issue, in the introduction
to "Sub-Standard Brands, Inc." you said,
". . . there's a vast, untapped market in
this country for out-and-out junk . . .
when people merely want to buy the
cheapest possible product, regardless of
quality . . . " I found this to be true when I
saw how many kids around here read
MAD! ~ „ ,
Doug Humphrey
Oklahoma City, Okla.
REPEAT PERFORMANCE
In your July issue, you lapsed into a
bad habit again. You used the same ex-
pression several times in the same issue,
namely, "You really know how to hurt a
guy, don't you!" This redundant tendency
has a deleterious effect on your material,
which is of marginal quality anyway.
Merlon Dinwiddie
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla.
You really know how to hurt an Editor,
don't you?—Ed.
CRITTER'S CHOICE

r -

...
As you can see, even my critters enjoy
reading MAD Magazine. This here's my
friend, Bessie. She's a subscriber, and
navsiHiMiAoaiddiu when her MAD issues are delivered to
the studio, she just goes "ape" over them.
Donna Douglas
iH3V8 noA AVM I H I s)iooa M)va (Elly May Clampett)
The Beverly Hillbillies
Hollywood, Calif.
snius ~H3dVd OVW ZZ 3SJH1H3A0 What's a nice girl like her doing on a show
like that?—Ed.

d l l d lliHOA
 ARE
RECORDING STARS GO MAD
Just thought you might like to see the YOU
reactions of various top English recording
stars to your rag. BUGGED
Gloria Stavers
Editor-in-Chief
16 Magazine BY THE LITTLE
New York City
MONSTERS WHO
BOLT
DOWN
TO THE NEWSSTAND
AND WRENCH EVERY
LAST COPY OF
MAD
jj*
OFF THE SHELVES?
Mick Jagger (of The Rolling Stones) Gerry (of Gerry and The Pacemakers)
Mad Bug by Baggi

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8 5 0 Third Avenue
New York City, N. Y. 1 0 0 2 2
Herman and The Hermits Okay, you nuts! It's plane you're awl
chiselers, and as a rule I don't take
THE MAN FROM A.U.N.T.I.E.
ad-vise — but this screwy bit finally
I've just organized "C.O.U.S.I.N." (The "The Man From A.U.N.T.I.E." was the drilled it in. So I'm sanding in the
Confederation To Obliterate and Under- greatest satire you've done. Although I
mine Stupid Imbecilic Numbskulls). The watch the show every week, and love it, money you axed for. Now, if my copies
first stupid Imbecilic numbskulls I plan Arnie Kogen brought out beautifully the come lathe, I'm gonna be awfully saw!
"to obliterate are the ones responsible for utterly absurd parts of the show.
"The Man From A.U.N.T.I.E." You, of Karl Menninger • I enclose $2.00.* Please enter my name on your sub-
all people, should recognize brilliant hi- Topeka, Kansas scription list, and mail me the next 8 issues of MAD
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Sandra Wise • I enclose $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub-
Toronto, Ontario, Can. In all my MAD years, this spoof was scription list, and mail me the next 24 issues of MAD
one of the funniest I have ever read.
Thank you for your utterly MAD maga- NAME
Boy, I never thought that MAD could
ever be accused of taking anything too zine. Love that MAD! ADDRESS.
seriously until I read "The Man From Burnetta Lee
A.U.N.T.I.E." Do you know that every Honolulu, Hawaii CITY
week, your article is satirized on a TV ZIP
STATE. .CODE.
,show called "The Man From U.N.C.L.E.."? Absolutely the greatest! Especially the ABSOLUTELY NECESSARYI
David Giffen ending! That one feature was worth the •Outside U.S.A., $2.50. ••Outside U.S.A., $6.25.
Edmonton, Alberta, Can. price of the magazine. Please allow 8 weeks lor your subscription to be processed. We
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Chris Callahan Check or Money Order preferred.
You should be hung by the thumbs Latrobe, Pa.
over a bowl of oatmeal until you cry
"UNCLE"! Please address all correspondence to: I AM NO LONGER RESPONSIBLE for my wife Selma,
who has been acting strangely since she framed and
Mike Letcher MAD, Dept. 98, 850 Third Avenue hung that stupid full-color portrait of Alfred E. Neu-
Shorter, Ala. New York, New York 10022 man, MAD's "What—Me Worry?" kid, which she got
for 25<f (3 for 50O by mailing her money to: MAD,
850 Third Avenue, New York City, New York 10022.
—Arnold Wetblanket.
 B E H I N D T H E O D D - B A L L DEPT.

M^&mM ®?J$i$Gg/ A R T I S T : BOB C L A R K E W R I T E R : A R N I E KOGEN

——~—ni ,
a Denver, Colorado M.D.
WAS AWAKENED AT 3 A M BY A
PATIENT WHO URGENTLY
REQUESTED HIS ASSISTANCE
ALTHOUGH HE ARGUED THAT "ITCOULD WAIT UNTIL MORNING"AND
RECOMMENDED SHE "TAKE A COUPLE OF ASPIRINS" HE FINALLY GAVE IN, 100 CENTS ONE DOLLAR
GOT PRESSEP, AND TO THE A5TONISHMENT OF THE MEPLCAL PROFESSION,
OPTICAL ILLUSION
ACTUALLY MADE A HOUSE CALL IN THE RIDDLE OF THE N I G H T /
Submitted £y
THE HOUSE CALL WAS TO HIS OWN HOUSE.' IT WAS HIS WIFE WHO AN As-P SHOPPER
WAS ASKING FOR ASSISTANCE.SHE WAS GIVING BIRTH DOWNSTAIRS.'

Wv, S A N HERMAN O.NASH

n^ of T a m p a , F l o r i d a
A YOUNG MAN VACATIONING
HAS BEEN IN SERVICE FOR Z5 YEARS,
IN ATLANTIC CITY, N.J.
AND YET, IN ALL THAT TIME... HE HAS
NEVER UTTERED A CURSE WORD /

... SAT AN ENTIRE PAY ON THE BEACH RIGHT NEAR AN

ELDERLY LADY... AND NEVER ONCE PIP SHE COME OVER.
TO HIM AND SAY, "MISTER, WILL YOU WATCH MY BLANKET?" COMPANY CHAPLAIN.' I
ONLY FOR THE BOARD-MINDED PEPT.
Recently, we asked a group of "Surfing" enthusiasts what makes their sport so great. They looked us over
with contempt and answered that we were "too old to dig!" To old? US?! Well, we packed a lunch and headed
for the beach. We were determined to find out just what it was that anyone saw in "Surfing". Was it the
fresh salt air? Was it the bright warm sun? Was it the soft clean sand and the roaring sea? Was it the
hordes of healthy young bronze-skinned beach bunnies in teensy-weensy Bikinis? The answer was obvious:
It was the fresh salt air and the bright warm sun and the soft clean sand and the roaring sea! Who said we
were too old? HAH!! So now, we'd like to share what we found out with you in this MAD close-up on . . .

SURFING THE STUNNING PANORAMA OF SURFING

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE WRITER: AL JAFFEE

This is the breathtakingly beautiful tableau that greets the onlooker at a Surfing beach, as a line of daring young
athletes balance gracefully on their boards, and glide silently in on a sparkling wave. No ballet scene can match it!

No ballet scene, that is, except maybe one of those gang-war dance sequences from "West Side Story!" Mainly because
it seems like every young clod who has ever seen an Annette Funicello "Beach Movie" or heard a "Beach Boys" record
thinks he can be a Surfer . . . and this is what "Surfing" is beginning to look like with all those maniacs out there! 5
 A N ILLUSTRATED GLOSSARY OF SURFING TERMS
Before going any further with this article, it will be necessary for the reader to familiarize himself with the
Surfer's private language. There is a definite purpose in this language. It was not created for any of the square
reasons that many Clubs or Fraternal Organizations have for their mumbo-jumbo. It was not created just to have a
silly secret language. T h e reason for Hip Surfer Talk is more serious and meaningful than that. It's to show off!

'GREMMIE" "HO-DAD" 'DING" -BING'

A refugee from the drop-out

A beginning Surfer. Easily motorcycle set who takes up
recognized because they're S u r f i n g . Easily r e c o g n i z e d What happens when the some-
the ones who mostly use the because they can only dig What happens when your surf- thing hard your surfboard
idiotic words on this page. the pictures on this page. board hits something hard. hits hits you right back.

"ALL-TIME" 'TAKING GAS" "DOWN" 'DROWN'

A great surf! For example,

Hawaii's surf is always all- Losing control and going What happens to a Surfer What happens to a Surfer
t i m e ! C a l i f o r n i a ' s surf is down — not to be confused a f t e r " t a k i n g g a s . " H e is a f t e r " t a k i n g g a s . " H e is
often all-time! Arizona's with stealing fuel from a underwater and is expected underwater — not expected
s u r f is n e v e r all-time! parked car to get to beach. to reappear momentarily. to r e a p p e a r m o m e n t a r i l y .

"SAND" "BULLY" "SKINNY' "VAVAVOOM"

A beach bunny who goes off

Found in every orifice and with the Bully, leaving the
pore of a Surfer's body, it A big bronze-skinned Surfer A weak pale-skinned Surfer Skinny—while everyone else
makes a gritting sound when who carelessly kicks sand who usually gets all of the wonders what she saw in the .
he chews or blinks his eyes. when he walks on the beach. sand kicked by the Bully. S k i n n y in t h e f i r s t p l a c e .

"PUKA" "COMPOUND 'BIG MAN' "WIPE OUT"

FRACTURE"

A break in the body of the

This is not what a Surfer S u r f e r . A l s o not s e r i o u s .
becomes when the waves go Unless it's a break in the A S u r f e r w h o c a r r i e s his To lose a wave. Also what
down and up and down and— body of the board. Then it board around during non- Surfers will probably do to
It's a break in the surface is s e r i o u s . O n l y t h e n , i t surfing w e a t h e r to give the MAD Magazine offices
of the board. Not serious. is called a compound puka. the impression he's hardy. when they see this article.
 MANEUVERS TO LEARN
When the Gremmie arrives at the beach, there are two important lessons he must learn immediately. First, he should
study the murderous surf and realize that he could get killed out there. That's lesson # 1 . Next, he should decide
that it's not too late to quit, and that after a few years, he will get used to being pointed out as "that rotten
yellow-bellied coward!" That's lesson # 2 . But if he's too chicken for all that, he might as well get out there and
learn to Surf. T h e following simple instructions will help him survive to a ripe old age. Like maybe 24 . . . or 25.

LAUNCHING THE SURFBOARD

Wrong W a y

Running into surf like Paddling into surf is Climbing on surfboard Once up, form is very Bad form also leads to
this is dangerous, as okay, but not if you while ignoring waves important —not because other troubles — like
board could fly loose start in shallow part is not very pleasant, it's safer or better — when you hit shallow
and kill somebody. Or of surf. Because when unless you feel having but because beach bun- water. Then you find
what's even worse, the wave recedes, you can a body full of broken nies won't look at you out why sandpaper is
board could get a ding. look pretty ridiculous. bones is very pleasant. if you do it like this. made with beach sand.

Right W a y

An experienced Surfer He t h e n gracefully He then apologizes He waits for wave and After ride he quickly
s k i l l f u l l y hurls his leaps unerringly out for landing on broad confidently rides in, leaves water to avoid
surfboard out into sea. onto his surfboard. instead of on board. thrilling onlookers. meeting other Surfers.

FANCY STUFF...HANDY TRICKS AND TURNS

THE SPINNER WALKING THE NOSE

"The Spinner" is a pirouette which is "Walking The Nose" is strolling over "Kicking O u t " is moving back on board
performed while coming in on a wave. the board while the wave breaks. This and losing wave to turn around and go
It is considered even better, tho, t o Surfer is not walking his nose! He's back out again. The move is sometimes
do it while coming in on a surfboard! looking for a contact lens he dropped! used for more than just "showing off"!
 MANEUVERS TO AVOID

A Hotdogger is a character who has no feelings whatso- into her sand-covered hot dog. More to the right are some
ever for other people at the beach. He weaves in ond out, rings in the water, marking the spot where a man drowned
thus causing all kinds of trouble. In the scene above, we after eating four hot dogs and going right in for a swim,
see him doing his dirty work. There he is in the lower left, The pimply-faced kid eating his hot dog spends a fortune
dressed in his natty white suit. Next to him is a kid who on acne medicine, when all the time he's allergic to hot
won't stop screaming until he can get another hot dog. A dogs. Oh, we could go on and on, but we're running out of
little further over is a lady who's gagging after biting space. Besides, we're getting hungry! HEY—Hot Dog Man !!

OGLING PILING

This maneuver started last year about the same time that This delightful and exciting maneuver was created on the
the topless bathing suit came out. It is very dangerous West Coast for Surfers who are easily bored with ordinary
for the Surfer who does it, especially if the bunny he's surfing. After trying it, they are no longer bored. They are
ogling has a big bronze-skinned Bully boyfriend nearby. crippled, maimed and disfigured-Yes! But b o r e d - N o !

LIGHTNING FREEZING

This innovation in Surfing was accidentally discovered by This maneuver is usually performed well after Summer
a few die-hard Surfers who refused to leave the surf when is over and Winter has set in. It is accomplished by the
a thunderstorm came along. Now, when a thunderstorm idiots who refuse to accept the fact that Surfing is over
3 comes along, there are always a few die-hards who try it. for the season. So they bob around like this till Spring.
 Surfing is like drug addiction. A Surfer goes nuts when he cannot surf. But there are many times when he absolutely
cannot. T h e sea may be calm, his board may be broken, or his family may have moved to Kansas City. At these times, a
Surfer may start to display severe withdrawal symptoms. His eyes will roll, his stomach will ache and his legs will
flap uncontrollably. This has nothing to do with Surfing. He's merely doing some new dance like the Frug. A Surfer
who can't Surf simply sits and cries. But now his troubles are over. Inventions are popping up every day to solve
his problem. Today, a Surfer can not only get his kicks without a surf, but even without water in some instances.

SURFING SUBSTITUTES
SURFING WITHOUT A SURF
Boatwake Surfing S n o w Surfing Sand Dune Surfing High W e e d Surfing

A surfer can ride the high This Winter innovation can Sand Dune Surfing is grow- A Surfer takes his regular
fish-tail wake of a powered be just as thrilling as the ing in popularity in arid Summer beach bunny to find
speedboat all day if he so Summer variety of Surfing. States. The Surfer rides a hill thickly covered with
desires—so long as he does Using a regular surfboard, down dunes until a burning tall weeds. Then, if he is
not meet the high fish-tail the Snow Surfer has trees, sensation on the soles of his lucky, no idiotic Surfer will
wake of a powered speed- rocks and annoyed skiers to feet tells him that the board disturb him with that stupid
boat coming the other way. lend dangerous excitement. has been sanded away. High Weed Surfing jazz.

SURFING WITHOUT A SURFBOARD

Body Surfing Skim-Board Surfing Driftwood Surfing

This is the same as regular Surfboard Skim-Board Surfing is performed with Can be done wherever there's junk on
Surfing, except that the Surfer's body a small round disc over the wet flats the beach. Just watch the rusty nails,
becomes the board. And repairing the of a beach. The Surfer jumps onto the watch the splinters, and mainly watch
Surfer's body is done the same as with Skim-Board—and spins, and skids, and the beach . . . because driftwood has a
the board, using fiberglass and epoxy. falls on his — well, it takes practice! tendency to drift out to sea again.

SURFING WITHOUT SURF OR A SURFBOARD

Skateboard Surfing Teeterboard Surfing

A Skateboard can be purchased or easily made with a Teeterboard Surfing is very similar t o Skateboard Surf-
skate stolen from your kid sister. It is ridden almost ex- ing except for one additional thrilling difference: It can-
actly like a Surfboard: Leaning steers it and nothing stops it. not be done! But that shouldn't really matter to the die-hard
Only when you fall off it, pavement is harder than water. desperate Surfing enthusiasts! They all love a challenge!
 SURFING'S LIMITATIONS
The continued growth of Surfing into a big-time sport is seriously hindered by the limited number of good Surfing
areas. However, other sports have overcome similar handicaps and gone on to become multi-billion dollar industries.

SPORTS THAT OVERCAME SERIOUS LIMITATIONS AND HOW THEY DID IT

Fishing Skiing

IDEPAI

Every lake and stream in the country faced the threat of Unpredictable warm spells used to murder this sport and
being fished out until someone came up with the brilliant every skiing resort that depended on it. Now, snow can
idea of raising fish artifically and stocking the waters. be manufactured artificially and sprayed on slopes, and
Now, more money is spent on fishing than any other sport. year-round ski areas are booming from Florida to Calif.

SURFING, TOO, CAN GET BIG I F . . .

ARTIFICIAL SURF-MAKING MACHINES ARE PUT INTO USE ALL OVER!

Then every bay, river, lake, stream, pool and puddle could be used for Surfing. So let's get behind this great idea,
Surfing lovers, and turn the whole world into a Surfers' Paradise so you can all get out there and surf . . . while
10
we stay back on the shore with those beautiful healthy blonde bronze-skinned beach bunnies, WHO said we're too old?!
 D O N M A R T I N DEPT. PART I

DREADFUL
DAY
Gad! It's my husband! He's apparently
fallen down our 200-foot well!
George! George!
Are you all right?

(isaid "ARE-YOU-ALL-RIGHT?"!^
 [O.K., I'm pulling, George, dear! J .
THE BUCKET! THE BUCKET!
PULL UP THE BUCKET!!

Fine! Whatever you do...

DON'T WHAT???
DON'T LET GO!!

bag

LET GO!! 06
PLABLASLABUBL

/»*
 DEFEATING THE PORPOISE DEPT.

This is "Flapper," the amazing Dolphin—er—Porpoise—er... Well, anyway, as you can see, Flapper can swim underwater!

As you can see, Flapper can As you can see, Flapper can And as you can see, Flapper
walk backwards on the water! leap high out of the water! can speak. He says, "Quork!"

As you can also see, that's ALL that Flapper can do! Which means that this TV show is almost as deadly
to write as it is to watch. So now, let's take a look at MAD's version of a typical installment o f . . .

FLAPPER
Well, boys—I have to go to work
A R T I S T : MORT D R U C K E R

m m
W R I T E R : DICK DE B A R T O L O

Because you boys don't have think I bored

iut remember—being a Game Warden Pop, a mother! So I have to do her to death
is no game! And life is not a bowl why are the corny lines for two! I with my proverbs
' of cherries! However, neither is a you always know it's tough not having and things!
bowl of cherries life—so it works quoting a mother, but that's the
out well any way you look at it! proverbs way HE wanted it!
and things?

QUORK!
QUORK!
1

13
 Listen! That's No, it sounds You're both wrong, Isn t it amazing C'mon! Hold on, fellas! You don't run away when
Flapper! It like he's in the boys! It sounds like how that crazy Let's I'm talking to you! Don't you know about
sounds like basement he's in the drinking Dolphin—er— go etiquette? Don't you know about manners?
he's in the washing machine! fountain in the park Porpoise can show find Don't you know about stalling for time
backyard lily across the street! up in any body of him! when you've got a half-hour show and no
pool! water we're near?! plot? I mean—How many times can the
folks out there watch that stupid fish
walk backwards!?

ML. _L 1IIL
Flapper is no No, Pop! When they conceived this show, they figured Okay, boys! Run along and find your
stupid fish! He's a stupid that nobody could dislike two young boys friend! Just remember to play f a i r -
mammal! who run barefoot and bleach their hair! But give a sucker an even break—and let
"V they didn't count on one person! Mainly—ME! a smile be your umbrella!

Do you see No, but the water's Quork-quork, Knock it off, Flapper! You know
Flapper a little murky! I'll Quork-quork this is the part of the show
anywhere? turn on this spotlight! To Broadway! where you swim somewhere—and we
Remember me to follow you! So get moving!
Herald Square . . .
Is it time now Stall for one Holy Toledo! You're right, Bub! Flapper's Flapper's telling
to discover more panel and Look at that The anchor must've telling us you nothing! You're
that a boat is then do it! boat! I think broken loose! We'd the boat is always putting words
drifting f it's drifting! better put on our Quork! drifting in my snout! I said
scuba tanks and see! Quork! toward "Killer "Quork! Quork! Quork!
Quork! Reef"! Quork!" Let's leave
Quork! it at that!
 Hi, there, Flapper! Okay, you can stop jumping And I always jump into the I hope the boys aren't
out of the water and chattering like a monkey! water and hold on to your fin hurt badly! And if they
I KNOW the boys are in trouble! They always so you can lead me to them are, I hope they have
get into trouble about this time every week! about this time every week! on clean underwear!
—7%D
Doesn't anyone from the
A.S.P.C.A. watch this show?

St, A XM.< /r"»nttfi7»». mm %tf*&m

I told those boys once, I told them a thousand And as for you, F l a p p e r . . . •• , here we are at the scene of
mes . . . Idle hands are the Devil's playground! told you once, I told you a e trouble! F i r s t . . . I swim to
. . Children should be seen and not heard . . . thousand times . . . Haste makes the bottom gracefully, because
Deuces are wild . . . waste—and also severe headaches! camera is following me . . .
 And as I get to the surface
and place Sanby safely in
our boat, I gasp for air
and turn blue and choke—
because "Man is not a fish!"
GASP.. . CHOKE . . . G A S P . . .
v;
6/ V

Should I Nothing in life should be artificial,

give you Bub! Genuine feelings should be your
artificial only feelings! For example, right this
respiration, minute, I'm going to be genuinely sick!
Dad?

Well, we're all home Look! Flapper is What do you think I'm doing!? Not only that!
safe and sound, thanks climbing out of This week's Flapper show is After I finish
You—you
again to Flapper—who the tub! A n d - over—so I gotta get out of playing "Lassie,"
mean you
has followed us to the he's unzipping this stupid make-up and get I get into a
also play
nearest body of water his skin • . . over to the next lot to horse suit and
"LASSIE"!?
—mainly our bathtub! shoot my other show . . . play "MR. ED"!!
 PUT YOUR FUNNY WHERE YOUR MOUTH IS DEPT.
Are you plagued by clods who ask stupid questions? We answers that would put these dolts down, like the comics
mean the kind of questions to which the answers are pain- on TV always do? Well, you can! All you need is a sense
fully obvious. Doesn't it drive you nuts to have to give of humor, a little practice, and a mean, rotten disposi-
such answers? Don't you wish you could come up with snappy tion. You also need to convince yourself that there is

MADS SNAPPY ANSWERS

J ARE YOU No, I'm

doing
fopKl ] HURT?
The Frug!

No, I'm
studying to
be a kangaroo!

No, I'm
hitchhiking to
the bathroom!

No, it's the beginning!

We're all facing backwards!

No, it's the end of a freight

train, and I'm the caboose!

No, it's a group of casual

strollers, who, by some
fantastic coincidence, have
come to stand one behind
the other at this one spot!

18 '•--
nothing worse than stupid clods who ask pointless unneces- them snappy answers? Okay! Study the typical situations on
sary questions. Is that clear? Do you undertand what we these pages and practice giving the snappy answers we've
mean? Are we getting the point of this article across to printed. Then start making up your own. Before long you'll
you? Isn't this the perfect time to come up with one of see how gratifying it is to humiliate people with . . . .

TO STUPID QUESTIONS ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE

No, he's resting up for

his World Championship
fight tonight!

No, he's rehearsing a

new comedy routine!

No, he's just taking a

short four-week nap!

No, I always
shower with my
clothes on
before I come
into the house!

No, I came home

by sewer!

No, it's hot out

and I'm sweating!

No, we're going to

fool everybody and go
sideways this time!

No, we're standing still!

You must be going down!

No, this is a phone booth

and we're trying to see
how many college students
we can pack into it!
 No, tomorrow I'm
doing this with
another girl!

No, but in time,

I'm sure I can
learn to!

Love—shmov—live
for the moment,
I always say!

No, it's Goldilocks

wondering who slept
in her bed!

No, it's Alan Funt, and

we're on "Candid Camera'

No, it's some two-timed,

infuriated, cuckold
total stranger who's
going to kill us!

No, I'm just worn out from

turning the pages of my
newspaper on the ride home!

No, it's the lunchtime

cavorting at the Playboy
Club that does me in!

No, I'm practicing for the

lead in "Death of a Salesman'
—if it's ever revived!

IS IT REALLY
FRESH? No, it's very
well-mannered!
v:
No, we're testing
a new and improved
room deodorant!

No, it's just that

don't know how
to spell "ROTTEN"!
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I

21
 BATTLE HYMNS OF THE PUBLIC DEPT.
Not everybody can be a football hero. Not everybody can be a champion golfer or a record-breaking sprinter.
Not everybody can be a Mickey Mantle, a Sandy Koufax, or a Pumpsie Green. But just remember: We plain,

FIGHT SONGS for

(Playing the Game
The Sunday Drivers' Cheer
(to the tune of "On Wisconsin")

»- On you drivers! See them lined up—

On you drivers! We will wind up
Inch your way along! Home at 10 o'clock!
Heading for a Sunday o u t i n g - And to think we only drove
Fifty million strong (Stop honking!) A-round the block!

A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E
W R I T E R : F R A N K JACOBS

The Shoppers' Fight Song The Taxpayers' Rouser

(to the tune of "The Air Force Song") (to the tune of "The Song of the Vagabonds")

Off we go
Into the bargain section,
Running wild
All through the place!
There's a clerk
Coming in our direction-
Onward, girls!
Step on his face! (Clomp-i-ty Clomp!)
There's a dress
That we can all fight o v e r -
Grab it, girls! Do not delay!
We'll pull till it's
All torn to bits—
Rrrrrrrip!
Nothing can stop us shoppers today!

On—you big employers,

Clerks, and cooks and lawyers-
Cheat, cheat, cheat
Your Uncle Sam!
With expenses padding
And exemptions adding,
Cheat, cheat, cheat
Your Uncle Sam!
Don't declare the money that you earn!
Better still—don't file a return!
You'll be saving plenty,
And draw ten to twenty
Years in jail for Uncle Sam!
ordinary, unassuming clods are engaged in the most strenuous, demanding, competitive activity of all—the
game of "Everyday Life"! So let's be enthusiastic and strike up the band while we sing these stirring . . .

the COMMON MAN

of "Everyday Life")
The Underpaid Employees' March The Fat Men's Chorus
(to the tune of "Oyer There") (to the tune of "Stouthearted Men")
Give me some men
Who are fat-bellied men
Who will fight for their right to be slim!
Large, hulking slobs
Who will work off their blobs
In a pool, on a track, in a gym—ugh!
Grunting and huffing
And wheezing and puffing
They run and they jump and they swim!
When-
They've taken off two pounds
Get more pay! And shout how good they feel,
Get more pay! Then—
Make your boss Fat-bellied men
Come across! Go home and eat a six-course meal!
Get more pay!
For he won't re-fuse you;
He's scared to lose you;
So start de-manding it today!
Don't delay!
Have your say!
Show your stuff;
Get real tough;
That's the way!
He's re-fusing!
Your job you're los-ing!
But you real-lv won;
You got two weeks' sev'rance pay!

The Song of the Commuters

(to the tune of "When lohnny Comes Marching Home")

^-v
BAR XIAR; TU
-&.

m /

-&r
We're taking the 5:02 tonight; We're leaving the 5:02 tonight;
Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah!
We'll work up a hearty appetite; And we're all lit up like a neon light;
Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah! Hoo-rah!
We're on the train with the special car, Our wives will meet us and how they'll swear;
The one that features a stand-up bar; They'll call us drunkards, but we won't care,
And the drinks will pour 'Cause we feel no pain
When we take the 5:02! When we leave the 5:02! 23
 The Parents' Anthem Tfye "Week-End Gardeners' Hymn
(to the tune of "Anchors Aweighl") (to the tune of "From The Halls of Montezuma")
\/ 4 From the ants in our petunia bed,
To the crabgrass on our lawn—
We will fight them off with chem-i-cals,
Till the bugs and weeds are gone;
We'll use quarts and quarts of poison spray,
And we won't stop till we're through;
All the bugs and weeds are dying now,
But the plants and trees are, too!

Our kid's away, Thank God!

Our kid's away!
We've sent him off to camp
At 30 bucks a day-ay-ay-ay—
Though it's a lot to pay
We'll raise no fuss:
If we complain, then they
Might send him back,
Might send him back
To us!

The Consumers' Fight Song The Tippers' Chant

(to the tune of "The Notre Dame Fight Song") (to the tune of "Bless 'Em All")

Tip 'em all!

Tip'em all!
From us they are making a haul!
The cabbie, the waiter,
the man at the door,
Cheer, cheer for our charge accounts! The bellboy, the porter,
We run up bills in mammoth amounts! the maid on your floor;
Freezers, sports cars, TV s e t s - We can't win; so give in; tip 'em all!
Each one is bringing brand-new debts; They will curse if the sum is too small;
What though the bills be great or be small, It should be unlawful;
We can't pay one, so why pay at all? The service is awful;
We'll still live in comfort while But we won't look c h e a p -
We're heading for bank-rupt-cy! Tip'em all!

The Barflies' Hymn

(to the tune of "Over Hill, Over Dale")
Over booze, over beer,
We will argue through the year
As the barflies go yapping along;
Football facts, baseball lore,
We remember every score,
As the barflies go yapping along;
For it's Hi, Hi, Hee!
When some rummy don't agree—
Shout out your answer loud and strong:
Set You!
We will prove our point
While we're busting up the joint
As the barflies go yapping along!
24
FUDDY-DUDDY BUDDY SYSTEM DEPT.

HEY, KIDS! EVERY YEAR, ALONG ABOUT SPRINGTIME, DO YOUR PARENTS...

. . . start getting on your nerves? .. make impossible demands?
Fighting, fighting—all the time,
fighting! That's what we get for
having Parents so close together
in age, and of different sexes!

WHY NOT GET RID OF YOUR PARENTS NEXT SUMMER? PACK THEM OFF TO.
n-.

MaD'S
Summer Camp
For AdultsARTIST: PAUL COKER JR. WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL
 HERE ARE SOME OF THE WONDERFUL THINGS THAT
Transportation To and From The Camp
See what you did, Mother!
You rushed me so much Stop crying!
today, I forgot to sew. a Before you
name tag on your girdle! know it,
Summer will
be over, and
Dad will be
home!

3&&?
All Kinds Of Competitive Sports
It's nothing, I tell
you! It's just a
Whattya say, Gang? Are
we gonna beat Camp
m**
Aces! Aces! Back-to-back!
Hey, Charlie! You're
supposed Listen,
Okay!
Who's
Florence Fill that straight with a Buster!
scratch! I'll rub Hootspa? You bet we are! to be engaged the wise
is the One-eyed-jack! C'mon Team!] ij You choose
some dirt in it! Let's hear it now . . . in sports—not guy who
Let me back in gutsiest Play-ay-ay-ay POKER! your sports,
making out with Frenched
that game! Let Man and I'll
the Camp my golf
me back in that Jongg choose
Nurse! bag?
game! player I mine!
ever saw!
MAD'S SUMMER CAMP FOR ADULTS HAS TO OFFER:
A Magnificent Lake
sag *- Hey, whattya say
we raid our wives' Naw! The
bunks? We'll mess way they
|'em up—throw things keep house,
on the floor. they'd never
know it!

Arts and Crafts

Harriet, that's the
most horrible-looking
wallet I've ever seen!
What on earth are you
going to do with it?

A Camp-Reunion at a Mid-Town Hotel Next Winter

fin II II li »
It's so great You promised This camp did my
I Sheilah, You said Well, I hear
to see you to wear your parents absolutely
gorgeous creatures you'd wear they just
• this guy? 1 know blue dress, no good! They
again! Remember your blue [Isn't this I opened a new
• He wasn't 1 that! But and now came back more
the fun we had i dress! That's a rather place in
if you you're wearing impossible,
at the lake? why I'm late date Nebraska for
• camp last I t e l l him— my red dress! more unreasonable
And remember wearing my for a Problem
' • i Summer! I'll kill and more unruly
that wild hay- red dress! Color Adults!
| you! than ever! What can
ride? And— War? It's called
I possibly do
"Parents
with them now?
Town"!
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

EJLRLTONE MORNINO
FLAP!
' fLAR

, fWEEJ
to fWPEK.' GlUTWm
Y WEEK! v

Will you hurry up with your morning

[ exercises! Your eggs are done!
 COUNTER-ACTING DEPT.

In past issues of MAD, you've been exposed to our Academy Awards for home movie buffs, and for parents
who drive their kids nuts. But these idiots were strictly amateurs. How about the people who give mag-
nificent acting performances for a living? We don't mean actors who only emote for a couple of hours a
day — but the hard-core professionals who perform from 9-to-5 and even longer . . . mainly, The Small
Businessman. So just relax, loosen your belts, and watch your pants fall down as we proudly present . . .

THE MAD
ACADEMY AWARDS
FOR
SMALL BUSINESSMEN
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: STAN HART

Ladies and Gentlemen . . . welcome to the First Annual MAD Academy Awards for Small Businessmen! Here,
in the pot-holed parking lot of the fabulous Swampview Shopping Center overlooking the charming
tinder-box homes of the slowly-sinking Jerry-Built Housing Development, we have gathered to honor
those people who owe their success as Small Businessmen to their great acting performances. T h e
winner in each category will receive one of these lovely 14-carat gold-plated statuettes—"The Gimme"!
I l

T h e first category is in the field of "CLEANING, PRESSING T h e second nominee is Tailor Miklos Mulcher for
AND ALTERATIONS." T h e nominees are: Dry-Cleaner Abe Prokosh his convincing performance in his famous "Take
for his marvelous surprise performance in "Belt? What Belt?!"— It From Me, It Fits Like A Glove" routine . . .

Mr. Prokosh, I Well... Don't you But I can't

distinctly
remember giving
rv=My dear~m' -mr
lady—you wound me beside
the belt,
think you
should let
Never! Never!
breathe!
when you accuse me of that! Did I If I did that,
you a belt with lose the zipper? Did I lose the you just it out a
it would throw i—I This is a Saturday Night
this dress— buttons? Did I lose the snaps? lost a little in
a crease across suit! Do your breathing
You must have Tell me the truth—did I ever customer! the front?
the back! during the week!
lost it! lose anything else?
 T h e third nominee is Elmer Budd for his classic L
"Look, Lady, I Got My Own Problems" routine • •.[ A J And the winner is Cleaner & Presser Leon Luchow—for
| his stirring "I Never
Ne Made Any Promises" routine . . .

What do you mean my But Monday will make I tried, but it's impossible to get spots out of silk!
Two
gown won't be ready two months that you've
months think it's Orion! [Orion! That's the worst!! I
till Monday!? I had it—and I paid
IS our 1c
need it for tonight's extra for your Special It might be Rayon!) Rayon! That's even worse!! \-
Special
Prom! Fast Service!
Ej Fast
Service!

ICongratulations, Mr. Luchow—

and here is your gold "Gimmie"!
Gold!! That's
even worse!!
>•<?>» J T h e s e c o n d c a t e g o r y i s m t h e field °f "SODA FOUNTAINS
\yk <i —and the nominees are: Oscar Rebus for his "Haven't You
-<**) [Kids Got Anything Better T o Do T h a n Annoy Me" routine .

For the millionth t i m e . . . keep your We know! The Public

hands off those magazines! Who's gonna Library ain't got
buy them after you mess them up! This magazines with
ain't the Public Library, you know! dirty pictures!!

T h e second nominee is Arthur Beemish doing his I T h e third nominee is Wolfgang Kuggle for his inspiring
familiar "Don't Forget, I'm Watching You" scene, f
{ performance in "I Don't Care—That's Not My Bottle"...

You take anything without paying and I' Gee—I just came Don't you try and return that deposit bottle
call a cop! You kids are all alike... in t o tell you here! I'm not taking any old bottle you just trying t o
juvenile delinquents trying t o rob me that Mom said happen to dig up! Besides, I don't carry that return it! I
blind! Well, don't try to pull any of you should come brand of soda, so don't you try fooling me— I'm tryi
that smart-alec stuff around h e r e . . . home for dinner, to buy
Pop!

'/ i
 And here, Mr. Glown, is your Stop trying to butter me

£
And the winner is Renfrew Glown for his masterful
'Gimmee" for that outstanding up! I'm not giving you no
Whatsa Matter—You Ain't Got Water At Home?". .
performance! Never—in all free glass of water either!
I Aw, the heck with my y e a r s . . .
Mr. Glown, Water!? Listen, I'm not in
can we have business for my health! If it! Don't tell him
some water you kids want a drink, buy the front of his
because... a soda! No free water!! store's on fire!

We now come to the "PHARMACY" category. T h e first nominee T h e second nominee is Alvin Krabb for his brilliant
in this field is Rudolph Phlabb in "Doctor Knows Best"... •^i^l rendition of that old act "Pharmacy Is A Science"...

$7.50 for Yes... Frankly, Mrs.' But I'm a professional!

ten pills?! and he's Peevish I'm I spent two years in a
Isn't there There might be, but the doctor's also surprised— Pharmaceutical College!
anything prescription specifically calls your buying in the They How can you entrust your
else I could for this brand of p i l l . . . and I brother!! discount store charge family's health and well-
use that know your doctor is excellent instead of my half of being to laymen? What
would be because he's also my doctor! pharmacy! what you pharmaceutical experience
cheaper?? charge! do they have?

T h e third nominee is Franklin Fontana delivering his And the winner of this category is Paul Knitzer for
memorable "I'm A Dedicated Public Servant" speech . . . his brilliant performance as "The Thoughtful One".

I just moved l Great! Tut, tut, my dear! Let ol' Doc Well, then—take
into the When I Knitzer help you lick that nasty your mind off
neighborhood We are more than a drug need Fine . . . except complexion problem! First, my your problems!
and I'm medicine, after 7 P.M. on special skin cream—only $4.95 Thank How about some
store! Consider us your
looking for partners in health! We I'll ca weekdays, noon a bottle. Next, my special soap you so chocolate ice
a good pride ourselves in you! on Saturday, or —only 980 a bar. And finally, much! cream—special
drug store! ethical products and in all day Sunday! my special medicated cosmetic I've today, only
unwavering service. We're closed base—only $3.50 a j a r . . . been $2.50 a gallon?
'Devotion to your needs' then!! so
is our motto! upset!
 You were You mean
As long as she
In the field of "TV REPAIR," the single nominee and
winner is Stan Rapier as "The Very Soul Of Honesty."
•1i
brilliant, If you give like that
keeps eating that
I Mr. Knitzer! people what they girl?
chocolate ice \
want, they'll keep cream, she'll keep You thief! But you
coming back! Do you took out i
coming back!
think you
can put
Control yourself! How
can you accuse me of
all my
new tubes
Naturally!
Everyone
I
dishonesty? Don't you in the
one over and re-
see my "TV Repairman's business
on me? I placed
Association Seal" in knows that
wasn't born them with
the window? Doesn't they don't
yesterday! old ones!
that motto mean any- make tubes
thing? I have a code of like they
ethics to maintain! used to!

T h e next category is "THE LADIES SHOE SALESMAN."

You never stop, eh, Mel! T h e single nominee and winner is Barry Frain for his
And when the people get plaintive "Just A Moment, I'll Be Right With You"...
No—they'll
into their cars, they'll
find their
find that their troubles
troubles are Sorry to keep you waiting, dear, When I came in
are over...?
just but this is our busy day. Just give me a I was looking
starting! few more minutes and I'll be right with for white shoes,
you! Oh—if I only had more customers as but the season
understanding as you! By the w a y . . .
what did you have in mind?
is over now!
t
 The next category is "THE BOWLING ALLEY" and the
Congratulations, Oh, dear., .everything
Mr. F r a i n . . . I've ever won has been in single nominee and winner is Stu Grabinsky doing his
and here is your silver! Is it possible to fabulous "I Tell You, It's A Perfect Fit" routine . . .
gold " G i m m i e " . . . have this dyed to match?
Too big? Wouldn't I know if those shoes were too big? I've been in this business
for 20 years, and this is the first complaint I ever got. If they were any smaller,
you'd get a blister! Ever hear of Don Carter, the Bowling Champ? He's about
your height and that's the size he wears!
Oh, really? In that case . . .

In accepting this award, I'd like

And the last category is "THE PIZZA STAND." The winner
Two is Tony Ricco in "How To Profit By Your Mistakes"...
to announce that our 1965 Open Oh, really? months'
Bowling Tourney begins next week! And what's supply!
First prize will be a month's the second What's this?! I \ Oh, never mind
supply of our famous hamburgers! prize? call for a $1.25 My guests are
pie and you come Pleeza excusa. I no too hungry to
an hour late unnerstan. I taka back wait! Here's
with a $2.50 pie! an I bringa you da your $2.50!!
'A righta one, hokay?

An' here is Please do not patronize Well, that's it folks! As the ceremonies marking the
prize, Tony! me, Sir! I merely applied First Annual MAD Academy Awards For Small Businessmen
This for you! a few rules of retailing draws to a close, and the recipients and hopefuls rush
You did g o o d - I learned at the Wharton back to their shops and stores to carry on their great
very original- School of Business in a performances in hopes of capturing next year's awards,
nice—kapish?? most judicious manner! let me invite all of you to keep your eyes and ears
open for possible nominees. Just send their names to
your nearest Better Business Bureau or Police Station!

m
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART

34
^U<^J^.
JOHNSON'S WACKS DEPT.
a
For the past few
months we've been THE
racking our brains,
trying to think of
UNITED STATES
what outrageous FOREIGN POLICY
thing we could
possibly do now
that would make
PRIMER
you forget how
angry you are at
us for raising
the price of our
Magazine to 30c.
Well, we finally
thought of it! Illustrated by Robert James Clarke
Ready? Here, then, Written by Lawrence Harvey Siege!

is another Primer: — i — — • I. i f ij n iKil I

35
 ^ I l l l P i P ^ ^ / < -,
L E S S O N 5. LESSON 6

See the Generals. See the General.

They are our Allies. He has won the latest game.
What fun they are having. He is Premier For A Day.
See them dance around the chair. All day.
Dance, dance, dance. We are sending him money.
It is the Premier's chair. We are sending him equipment.
When the music stops, We are sending him advisors.
One of them sits in the chair. He is pleading with his people.
The others fall on their faces. He is begging them to fight.
Fall, down, boom. He is telling them to get rid of the Enemy.
It is called Musical Government. But it will do him no good.
They play it 4 or 5 times a week. We will stay there anyway.
See the Distinguished Man.
See the U.S. Ambassador confer.
See how suave and dignified he is.
He is conferring with Foreign Dignitaries.
He is a U.S. Ambassador.
Confer, confer, confer.
He serves our interests overseas.
He does not understand a word they are saying.
He was chosen carefully.
Huh? W h a - ? Eh?
He is well-qualified for his job.
This is a problem shared by many U. S. Ambassadors.
He has had long years of experience.
Most of them cannot speak the language
For over 25 years,
Of the country in which they are stationed.
He has been contributing heavily
What makes it so embarrassing for this U.S. Ambassador
To the Party now in power.
Is that he is stationed in England.

See the nice U.S. Embassy.

It is in Russia.
It is bugged.
The phones are bugged.
The pictures are bugged.
The chairs are bugged.
Even the bugs are bugged.
The Russians are learning all about our Foreign Policy
But we are not angry.
Maybe someday they will explain it to us.
 BERGS-EYE VIEW PEPT.

THE
LIGHTER SUM
S I D E OF...
EVEN

I Oh, goody! The Ferris Wheel The midway is bathed in a From here, the landscape looks YOU'RE SUCH A LOVELY
stopped with us here on top! rainbow of red and yellow like it's been painted by brushes SHADE OF G R E E N ! !
What a view! Look at all lights! The people look like dipped in various shades of purple!
that beautiful color! Ken and Barbie dolls dressed The cars look like tiny black toys
in blue and gold doll clothes! moving across grey cardboard roads,
feeling their way with white fingers
from pencil-flashlight headlights!
WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Why buy it! I can Er. . . we'll consfder There . . . now Oh, you really What do you
win the very same those just a couple of I'm getting the shouldn't have mean "CHEAP"
doll for you at the warm-up throws! hang of it! gone to all that That little
Baseball Throw! trouble for a doll cost me
After all, I was the cheap little doll! FIVE BUCKS!!
Star Pitcher on my
Little League Team!

There's just one crumby YOU know you're right!

fly around here and he's This insecticide
only after me! How come really works!
he isn't bothering you?
 V V A I ^ V -
My golf swing is a little Look . . . WE WANT CUSTARD!
• \ .
rusty, so I thought I'd come a Custard WE WANT CUSTARD!
out here to the Driving Range Stand! WE WANT CUSTARD!
and knock out a pail of balls!

Boy! Invite a bunch of teenage Men are all You'd think They're It's disgusting!
boys to a backyard barbecue alike! All girls were all They're interested
and under cover of darkness, they want to made for hands in one thing, and
they turn out to be nothing do is satisfy nothing and one thing only!
but animals! their primitive else but mouth!

Wow! When you I'll say! Hey, I see GREAT! On my But the critics panned . . . but the performance
come out, it I forgot you two are recommendation, it! They said it was of the Air-Conditioning
hits you like how hot it just coming I suggest you badly written, terribly Unit is worth the price
r d a blast furnace! was outside! out of the drop whatever directed, and horribly of admission!
movies! How you're doing acted!
was it? and rush in!

AND THE SAND IN

EVERYTHING IS
PTOOO!!
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART III
 TWO YEARS BEFORE THE MASOCHIST DEPT.
Those of you who have read "Lord Jim" by Joseph Conrad know that it is a deep psychological study
of cowardice and heroism. Today, the world is filled with examples of both these acts. But to our
way of thinking, the most heroic act in recent history was committed by those intrepid movie-makers
who shot the following film on location in the Far East . . . and still had the courage to return to
this country with it, show it to the public, and wait for the critical reviews . . . like this one of:

IbrdJuMp ARTIST: MORT DRUCKER WRITER: LARRY SI EGEL

This is a rawther smashing

gahmb ragf saga of a pukka
leftenant blorgf drumpf his
Mawjesty's Royal Navee who
brffsk scrof brraack mmmph—

X
. . . grpf of a What's He's saying that Yeah, but this Yes! You'd think . . . and frrogg You said that Jump
flap argepth he as the movie opens, heroic dream that after raising whmmb my leaves your command
jolly good show saying I am shown as a looked so beauti- the price of this commahnd grib and is assigned to
mph orp kill now? romantic soul who ful on the screen ridiculous magazine awmph a bloody the "S.S. Schmetna",
the ruddy often dreams of in technicolor! awful prfft—
to 300, they could a floating death-trap
blighters and
gargh bragght—
K committing acts of Too bad it's not
in color in this
at least show my H H /'I I S bound for the South
heroism . . . gorgeous limpid Er—what did I say? Seas!
stupid MAD
blue eyes!
take-off!!
 As the First Mate, I am It could be worse!
appalled at the living Instead of traveling
conditions of the First Class, we could
passengers on this ship! be down in Steerage!
How you must suffer!

No—he Punish me, gentlemen! I know that!

You mean he'll be haunted by was just I don't deserve to live! What a masochist you But I was
this cowardly act for the rest picked up I deserted the Schmetna! are, Jump! I mean— going out of
of his life? He'll hate himself by the I deserted the Titanic! there's such a thing my mind running
forever? He'll never be able to Titanic! I deserted the Lusitania! as Over-Confessing! those idiotic
live with himself again? I deserted the Queen Mary! For instance, the Horse Racing
I deserted the S.S.— Queen Mary was never games!
even sinking!
 Peter, I've seen you go through He made And now I
self-torture in "Flawrence Of me read I must punish
Arabia", and self-agony in the rest myself as no
"Buckett"! But now you're out- of this one has ever
doing yourself! How did the terrible punished
Director manage to get so much movie himself
inner-pain out of you so far? script! before! SLalllcats are grey, l £
g^rupiil^^ - ^ C ^ p l d woman is at lea

, v e r y animal y tne s>» »- -—

\ thatfillth-V nd make her
e face ero»« ction is les
ast an> • give you
•> as eve
irding ^Vnd as in
OVET lal enjoyi
Must be> f fa ^loj
must suffer f \a nd must be Sntlysu
form v m . n g t0
•uinint provem
. Fiftl
treated U k j . d i r t ^ MANUI
•\ciency start at the ^ ^ n d i t i o n m g . ^valks
tie higW waydoNvn.^oanc ^ Ah jsai
he neck, Write Box 11^.
i n g to the
t H onr
•ith abas' Choc's C^dy ^ore c o d e ., an oldoS
™U eh ra sn b / J ^ ft are grey, *
• m e\P v* iryv ^•"-
iise r ,d woman is a
Knack b e i n e ^

*? v
You are hired, Jump. You vill go to Well, I really What rotten luck! I've been on this At last! Things are
ze island of Potzanpans and you vill didn't plan on island for ten minutes already and beginning to pick up!
smuggle arms to ze people zere who growing with I still haven't been killed, wounded,
are being oppressed by a cruel your firm! Are or even captured! And to make matters
>
General! Vunce you land on ze island you sure you worse, a whole flock of birds just
you should live maybe eight minutes! don't have any flew overhead and every one of them
temporary missed me!
employment?

" ? . / " g^of- /// \S&3£.' ' ' l°x' ' *2LM&tXk£Bl, V, l
am cruel General! You shall be punished
ftPJ.U*-
That's okay Hello, typical
mizjv^mxktv^'' !um//^mm^^- Uff
Hey, what
for trying to smuggle arms to oppressed for starters! island girl! I I shall free you! You shall help language
people! First, I shall burn bamboo splints But get to am J u m p - my people stamp out the do you Here
under fingernails! Then I shall drop hot the good part Coward- oppressors! Freedom shall speak we
coals down back! Then I shall put you on —where you Of-Fortune! bloom once more like a million on this speak
torture rack! And then I shall flog you punish m e ! ! blades of grass in a lush island? Fluent
for nine hours with cat o' nine tails— mH Cliche!
M 24. rfirtlPffl
Come! We shall round Oh, is that all? Jump . . . these
up native army and For a minute I thought are my people!
sound a clarion ca it was something else! They cry out
You see, on this island, L for liberty
for freedom . . . What
is the matter, Jump? we have a problem with their
with our drinking water! every breath!

•4fHl ill.«5; 1

WMlBHffl^ ' LT >-^g^^ >W

It is Get me plenty v v\ ;: \ ' i i h i ' No—the Script Let us attack n What is it, Jump? Are No—I'm beginning to
quiet! of clean sheets Why? Is someone Writer is running the Fortress you pausing again to notice that on this
Too quiet! and hot water! having a baby? out of cliches! in the name of suffer inwardly over your island, you do have
I don't Democracy! past acts of cowardice? a problem with your
like it! drinking water!
 I
'iwm
Boy! Talk about displaying u Yeah! From Jump, A hero? Not really! More of an heroic coward! As the
emotions! In this picture, | " A " to " A " ! you have For after all, what is a hero but a coward great
O'Tall really runs tr saved my who commits an heroic act of cowardly heroism! Buddha
people! To put it another way, what has a coward-hero once said—
You are to gain if he saves his heroic-cowardly soul, "Shut up
a hero! but in doing it, loses his cowardly-heroic— already!"

Anyway—as the Chief here, I Hug me, Bite my Happiness . . . ? Congratulations,

have made my decision! Because Jump! Hmmm . . . happiness . . neck, Jump! Happiness . . . ? Jump! You have
you have saved my village, I Kiss me, happiness . . . ? Funny, Nibble my Hey, I've got it! graduated from
shall grant you any wish that Jump! I can't think of one ears, Jump! The one thing that cowardice and
will give you happiness! Love me, thing that will give me Do what you will make me happy! masochism! You
Just name i t . . . ! Jump! happiness! want, Jump! GIVE ME DEATH! have finally
reached insanity!
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART

ONE SUMMER AFTERNOON

'((&&£>

Jki^\JL-Mfl>ifo*-

Jvrt-nw.
 HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS

MAD FOLD-IN
U.S. Government Agencies, The American Red Cross
and Public Welfare people are quick to rush aid to
disaster victims. And yet, one group of miserable
unfortunates suffers year in and year out without
a drop of aid from anyone. Fold in page as shown
to see just who these poor miserable wretches are:

Artist and Writer

Al lallee FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT
MAD's
Great Moments In Advertising

Photography by IRVING •'Breakthrough- SCHILD

THE DAY THAT "AJAX" GOT THE HOUSEWIFE

OUT OF THE KITCHEN A LITTLE TOO FAST!