LOOK, OUR

CHEAP
No. 79
June, '63
 PHOTOGRAPHY BY LESTER

After you let your fingers do the walking!

Yep, after you shop the Yellow Pages way, C T E ^ S
Why? Because fingers just aren't made for all that walking! We'll show you what we mean: Let's say
you're out of Epsom salts. Okay, you'll shop by phone for some. Simply look up "Epsom Salts" in the
handy Yellow Pages. There it is—No, that's an "Epsom Salts Manufacturer"! Now what? Try "Drug
Stores"—they should carry it! Let's see: "Drug Importers," "Drug Manufacturers," "Drug Store Fix- Yellow Pages
tures"—Ahh, here it is: "Druggists, Retail —See 'Pharmacists'"! More walking! Okay — "Pharmacists"
—Hmmm— "Pharmaceutical Machinery," "Pharmaceutical Research Laboratories," "Pharmaceutical Manu-
facturers" — Ahh! At last! "Pharmacists"! Ho-Boy! Did you ever see so many "Pharmacists"? Okay,
let's find one nearby. Start walking down the list. By now, your poor sore fingers are really kill-
ing you! See what we mean? You better let your feet do the walking next time. They're made for it!
NUMBER 79 J U N E 1963 VITAL FEATURES

IF THEY HELD A SUMMIT MEETING 4

If a summit meeting were
to be held at the White
House, there would be a
'It's a flood thing the Earth turned out to be round, because minor advantage, but many
relative disadvantages.
putting a satellite into a square orbit would've been costly!"
—Alfred E. Neuman

PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein TVS EFFECT ON CHILDREN 12

MAD took this survey on
ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner
the effect of TV on kids.
ASSOCIATE EDITORS: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin Results were inconclusive,
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman PUBLICITY: Richard Bernstein but the effect of the sur-
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Nelson Tirado vey on kids was terrible!
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS:
The Usual Gang of Idiots
DEPARTMENTS HOW TO SUCCEED AT CHILDHOOD... .18
A WHITE HOUSE IS NOT A HOME DEPARTMENT A new "how-to" book that
If They Held A Summit Meeting At The White House 4 tells kids how to succeed
at childhood — written by
BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT MAD experts — who are all
The Lighter Side Of Family Doctors 36 in their second childhood.
BRATSMANSHIP DEPARTMENT
. How To Succeed At Childhood 18
DEPARTMENT OF THE INFERIOR TAX TIME, U.S.A 23
How To Turn Your Dumpy City Into A Tourist Trap 27 One way to get the public
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT to pay income taxes is to
— turn the job over to Madi-
The High Dive 15 ' : ' 5 £ ^ son A v e . . . . which has sold
The First Echo 32 . it every other idiot idea.
The Inventor At The Novelty Company 48
FREEDOM WITH SPEECH DEPARTMENT
Speaking From Pictures 10 HOW TO TURN YOUR DUMPY CITY 27
HALF-NIELSEN DEPARTMENT MAD shows how to turn a
TV's Effect On Children (A Special MAD Report) 12 1 dumpy city into a tourist
i trap. Now some dumpy city
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT *** will surely show us how to
Spy Vs Spy 21 turn MAD into a magazine.
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2
MARCH ALONG WITH MITCH DEPARTMENT UP-TO-DATE SERVICE SONGS 33
MAD's Realistic, Up-To-Date Service Songs 33 This article brings some
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT service songs up to date.
When the Army & Navy see
Drawn Out Dramas ** them, this article will
OFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPARTMENT ) bring MAD up on charges.
Movie Dialogue We'd Like To Hear 16, 42
SINKING FUND DEPARTMENT
Look Before You Leap 9 FAMILY DOCTORS 36
SLIPPED DISC DEPARTMENT V^~ ' After you read this David
The Rise And Fall Of A Recording Star 40 7^ Berg treatment of Family
*tr Doctors, you'll feel like
THE IDES OF TAXES ARE UPON US DEPARTMENT sticking out your tongue
Tax Time, U.S.A. (A Government-Sponsored TV Show) 23 and saying "Y-e-ecchhh!"
THE PRICE IS A RIOT DEPARTMENT
MAD's Discount Center Owner Of The Year 43
**Various Places Around The Magazine DISCOUNT CENTER OWNER OF YEAR. .43
MAD—June. 1963 Vol. 1, N u m b e r 79, is published monthly except February, M a y , August and LI | MAD can't vouch for the
November, by E . C . Publications, Inc., at 850 T h i r d Avenue, New York 22, New York. Second sanity of Discount Store
Class Postage paid at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00 in the U . S . Elsewhere,
$2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. E n t i r e contents copyright 1963 owners . . . but we can for
b y E . C . Publications, Inc. T h e Publisher and E d i t o r s will not be responsible for unsolicited
manuscripts .and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return the writer of this piece.
envelope. T h e names of characters used in all MAD fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A sim- He's more than 40% off!!
ilarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. P r i n t e d in U.S.A.
 TO REALLY ENJOY THESE MAD ALBUMS LETTERS DEPT.

THE PLAY'S GUILTY-NOT GUILTY

Your magazine usually contains excel-
lent satire about the evils of the modern

THE THING!
U n f o r t u n a t e l y , m o s t D.J.'s
world. However, your article, "The De-
fensers" went just a little bit too far. "The
Defenders" is one of the best, if not the
very best program on the air today, and I
cannot see your point in ridiculing it.
are t o o chicken t o play ' e m ! Lisabeth A. Cramer
Indianapolis, Ind.
M A D WRITER MAKES GOOD
Superb satire, "The Defensers"!
Congratulations on your "Hollywood John Thorburn
Surplus Sale" in issue # 7 7 . Mr. Wood-
bridge's succinct vignettes were as easy on
the eyes as were Mr. Doud's descriptives A MATTER OF DEGREE
on the funnybone. And speaking of Mr. The work your magazine has done in
Doud, I conclude that he is the same the last ten years should have brought
"Earle Doud" who conceived the record- someone on your staff a Ph. D. in Sociol-
breaking album, "The First Family." If I ogy by now! Thurman Smith
am correct, then MAD deserves credit for University of N.C.
having recognized and given momentum
to Mr. Doud's vast creativity with "C-Men Chapel Hill, N.C.
In Action" ( M A D # 7 2 ) , published
months before the now celebrated advent W e ' l l settle for a High School diploma!—Ed.
of "The First Family."
Bryna Millman UPON REFLECTION
University of Buffalo I think your "Letters Department" is
Buffalo, N. Y. the dumbest thing I've ever read. I'd like
to get a look at one of those idiots who
Actually, Earle Doud's writing first a p -
write you. He must be a real clod!
peared in M A D # 6 7 with "Advertising
Space on Road Signs"—Ed.
Mark Allman
Alexandria, Va.
My question is: Is this the same Earle G o t a mirror handy?—Ed.
Doud that co-produced the hit album,
"The First Family," and if it is the same LATE READER
one, what's a high class guy like him do- I wish I might have started reading
ing writing for a trashy magazine like MAD sooner . . . because then I could
MAD? have quit reading MAD sooner, which
Nathan Katz I've just done! j i m Southers
Camden, New Jersey
Vista, California
He doesn't a n y more! He's no longer that
desperate!—Ed.
EXECUTIVE SWEET
PARITY PARODY Other people who have written to your
magazine telling you how good(?) it is
SO PLAY 'EM YOURSELF-YOU'LL FLIP Since the government is bolstering our have been just regular everyday laymen.
economy with programs like the "Soil Let me quote an excerpt from the San
Now O n Sale A t All R e c o r d C o u n t e r s Bank" for farmers, why doesn't MAD try
OR Y O U R S B Y M A I L — $ 4 . 0 0 E a c h ! Diego Evening Tribune: "Jim Dempsey,
to bolster the literary standards of our the Astronautics Corp. president is an ar-
USE COUPON OR DUPLICATE country with a similar scheme for au- dent fan of MAD Magazine. He calls it
thors? For a nominal fee, I would agree 'the only sane magazine published in the
MAD RECORDS not to write a short article for your mag- United States.' " If the president of one of
8 5 0 T h i r d Avenue, New York 2 2 , N. Y. azine. For a slight increase in rate, I would the biggest corporations in the country
be willing to forego writing several ar- says this about MAD, who knows, maybe
Please send m e : ticles. And for a very reasonable annual
D FINK ALONG WITH MAD the President of the United States will say
salary, I'm sure I could find hundreds of something next.
D MAD " T W I S T S " ROCK ' N ' ROLL articles not to write, and I would even
give up writing letters to you. Stephen Mulford
I enclose:' San Diego, California
Amelia Rubin
• $ 4 . 0 0 f o r one Q $ 8 . 0 0 f o r both Fresno, California Like "You're all under a r r e s t ! " ? — E d .

NAME
HAILED AS A GREAT WORK OF A R T !
ADDRESS- . BY FRIENDS AND RELATIVES OF ITS SCULPTOR, ART GREPPSE. EVERYBODY ELSE THINKS IT'S ATROCIOUS!
CITY ZONE. BE A N ART CRITIC! ORDER YOUR
STATE
I enclose
BISQUE CHINA HEAD OF
$ for: ALFRED E. NEUMAN
PRICE SLASHED! I—] 5V2" Bust(s)
MAD BUST
Yep, in his last few horror movies,
1
—I @ $2.00 ea. 8 5 0 Third Avenue, New York 2 2 , N. Y.
Vincent Price was slashed — by one
fiend or another. Too bad we won't NAME
3 y 4 " Bust(s)
slash the price on these full-color • @ $1.00 ea. ADDRESS.
portraits of MAD's "What-Me Worry?"
kid, Alfred E. Neuman. If you want
one for framing or stuffing in worn- Check size(s) CITY _ZONE_
out shoes, they're still 25c. Mail and enclose
money to MAD, Dept. "What — Color?" proper amount STATE.
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
(NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U.S.A.)
 N O ADDRESS G I V E N
LOOKING FOR
This letter is being sent to see if our
Post Offices are as "gone way out" as your
magazine. Obviously, if you get this one,
they are! Seriously, though, if you do get
this letter with only a black-and-white
let "Playboy" know that this time there
was no mistake, and that it travelled half-
way around the world.
John S. Henry
Mt. Albert
A BARGAIN?
picture of Alfie as the address, you might Auckland, New Zealand

YOU GET NINE ISSUES FOR THE

PRICE OF EIGHT WHEN Y O U . . .

Not only did we get the letter, but there postal systems all over the world have
SUBSCRIBE
wasn't a mark of any kind on it. Looks like finally gone "Mad"!—Ed.

SANE M A D N E S S
Why must you persist in running your-
selves into the ground? For six years, I
FINE C O M M E N T
I really got a charge out of your latest
MAD
———————— use coupon or duplicate — — • • «
issue. That is, after I tossed it into the MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS
have periodically examined your truly street in disgust. A cop gave me a ticket
amazing magazine, and must admit that 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
for littering, and the charge was $5.00.
it is a spark of rationality in a world beset Dave McCaslin Okay, so I'm looking for a bargain. So
by insanity. Yours is certainly a most en- Meyronne, Sask., Can. here's my $2.00. Please enter my name
joyable form of satire.
on your subscription list, and send me
G.D. ASSAULT I N OUR W O U N D S the next nine issues of MAD. Now that
Toronto, Canada I fell for this pitch, I'm looking for
While reading the latest issue of MAD,
I was suddenly, fiercely and savagely at- another bargain: A Psychiatrist who'll
FIT TO BE TIRED tacked and relieved of my copy of your give me 9 visits for the price of 8!
hilarious magazine. After consulting my Outside U.S.A. $2.50
Why does everyone, including Presi- lawyer, I have been advised that, although
dent Kennedy, make such a fuss over the you are to blame, it would be ridiculous
physical fitness of today's youth? In my NAME.
for me to sue my mother.
opinion, it really isn't that bad. You'll
have to excuse such a short letter, but Rocco Calabrese ADDRESS.
holding a pen for nearly a minute is very Playa del Rey, Calif.
CITY -ZONE.
tiring. Please address all correspondence to:
Dan Engelhardt MAD, Dept. 79, 850 Third Avenue STATE
Brooklyn, N. Y. New York City 22, New York Please allow 8 weeks for subscriptions to be processed

ACT NOW-ONLY ONE MORE LEFT! MAD ANTHOLOGY

8 5 0 Third Avenue, New York 2 2 , N. Y.
Yes, there'll be only one more of these ads (after this one) offering...
I enclose $ 2 . 9 5 . Please rush
j ^ T "A GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD" T H E GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD

Time is running out on this opportunity to get your copy of

our de luxe hard-cover anthology of the best humor, parodies, NAME.
ad satires and just plain garbage from past issues of MAD.
Mainly because it looks like nobody's running out trying to
buy t h e m . So if you want this permanent collection of our ADDRESS.
temporary insanity, this book is for you. Order your copy to-
day. Remember...we're only gonna give you one more chance! CITY .ZONE.

STATE
 A WHITE HOUSE IS NOT A HOME DEPT.

Welcome to the White House, fellows! We'll get stahted What's the matter with that ridiculous kid?
with the Summit Conference as soon as everyone arrives! I told him to be here at this meeting! Go
Nikita, take off your shoes and make yourself at home! out to the front lawn and send Bobby in here!
Fidel, what happened to you? You look a mess!
No—no! Not you, Lyndon! Let one of the
servants go out and call him!

Hello Yes! What's that? You're lost? How could you get lost? Okay, I'll This is I say! That's rather
listen—take the Turnpike till you hit the Capitol building. Then see something new jolly! I'll have to
make a left for two blocks and a right. It's the big white house on you we put in the tell Margaret about
Pennsylvania Avenue . . . number 1600. You can't miss it! There'll be soon, White House! that! Maybe she'll
a man out in front, paying off a cab driver in Chinese yen! Right! OK! Jackie! It's called have one installed,
a "Princess" and call it a
phone.! "President" phone!
You know why nothing ever gets accomplished at Summit Meetings? Because the atmosphere is too cold and im-
personal, that's why! Perhaps, if world leaders met in a more congenial setting, like the President's own
home, the outcome of these meetings might be more optimistic. We mean a setting where there's family life,
and warmth, and youth, and friends... and confusion! Come to think of it, with the Kennedy clan, and their
relatives and friends, and the assortment of personalities around, things could get a whole lot worse . . .

IF THEY HELD A
SUMMIT MEETING
AT
THE WHITE HOUSE
 Well, we'll just have to start the meeting without him! If No-no! Not you, Hi, everybody! Do
you will all take seats . . . Nikita, you sit over here in Dean Martin! you like my new
"U.S.S.R." . . . Harold, you sit there in "Great Britain" . . . You sit back hairdo? It's the
Mao and Chiang, you're in "China" . . . Orville, you sit in there with "Cleopatra" look!
'Agriculture" . . . Luther, you're in "Commerce" . . . and Willy
Willard Wirtz, you're in "Labor"! Yes, I thought that was
pretty funny, too! Adlai told it to me!

IIJ M
I think Mrs. Kennedy has All right! Enough fooling Great! And after you've finished
excellent taste! That hair- around! Let's get down to talking about Irving, I'd like to
style is very popular in my business! I think we should say a few words about Cole Porter,
part of the world. I see spend some t i m e discussing Sammy Cahn and Jimmy Van Heuser
many people walking around Berlin . . . !
with the "Cleopatra" look.

•urn i uui
Never mind with the jokes! We feel that the Berlin Play Daddy! But we're in the middle Dot's a
Wall has become a touchy problem! You—you in the handball I came of the Summit Conference, right!
sweatshirt! What would you like to do with the wall? against down to Caroline! I don't know if She's such
it! kiss the the rules p e r m i t . . . a cute
company little
"good- dollink!
night"! Come,
bubbala!
 All right, Deah! Hurry up and kiss your No, no! Not you, idiot! Let Those are your "Domestic C'mon, Charlie!
"Uncle" Bob MacNamara, and your "Uncle" Caroline stand on the chair Uncles"! Now go kiss your Only one cheek!
Lyndon, and your REAL Uncle, Uncle Bobby! so she can reach you! "Foreign Uncles". . . ! We haven't got
. . . That's it! Stand on a chair if you like! all night!

Jackie, would you please put What's that, fellows? Oh, wait a minute, Jackie! Come Too late, fellows! She's
Caroline to bed . . . and no back! The company wants to kiss gone upstairs! Sorry . . .
more interruptions unless it's YOU "good-night", too . . . ! Maybe next time . . . ! %,
an emergency!
Now that my—er-ah—family matters are out This is foolish talk! The U.S.S.R. will
of the way, I believe we can get down to never disarm as long as there are Western
the purpose of this Summit Meeting. As you trouble-makers like Kennedy, MacMillan,
know, gentlemen, these are perilous times. De Gaulle and David Susskind! Let me warn
The world is a powder keg, ready to explode you! If you continue to push us, we will
at any moment. It is imperative that we not hesitate to drop nuclear bombs of such
find a way to peace and disarmament! magnitude that your entire country will go
up in flames . . . your people will perish
in ashes . . . we will bury you . . . and . . .

All right, now, But this is an emergency!

let's get back to— The nurse is off tonight,
Look what I started! and the baby has to be
Hello? Oh, hello, Mom! Fine—and you? What noise? HUE 3 DZ changed! It's your t u r n !
Oh, that was Bobby, crying! No, Mom, honest! I I really didn't mean
Honey, I told you not You promised!
didn't hit him! Believe me, I didn't lay a finger to cause any family
to come in unless it
o n h i m ! What? Well, it's a long story! Khrushchev difficulty!
was an emergency . . .
started raving again—you know how he threatens—
and, well, he frightened Bobby and made him cry!

Er—uh—This I Sure, Jack! 'II be glad to! Not you, Dean Martin! Oh, let Mr. Martin Yes, Mr. Martin! And How would you
may take a while. I meant Dean Rusk take over! I'm sure bring on your funny like a punch
In my a b s e n c e - should take over— he's much funnier! partner—Jerry-What's- in the mouth!!?
Dean, will you Now here's a little number I His-Name—Jerry Lewis!
take over? sang at the Inaugural Ball
back in—oh, I think it was
1 9 6 1 . I remember the Ball
but I can't remember who was
being inaugurated. I was
swimming in the punch bowl
at the time . . .
SINKING FUND DEPT.
FREEDOM WITH SPEECH DEPT.

SPEAKING FROM
PICTURES
WRITER: GERALD GARDNER
PHOTOS BY U.P.I.
HALF-NEILSEN DEPT.

There's been a lot of loose talk about the effects of TV on our children. What is the real
truth? MAD was determined to find out for itself. We spent the better part of an hour
taking a survey, and we've come up with some surprising results. Mainly, TV does have an
effect on children. Some shows have a good effect, and some have a bad effect. Here then is

TV'S E F F E C T 'I'VE GOT A

THE SHOW: SECRET" THE EFFECT:
All right, panel—Mr. Megilla's All right, Herbie's secret
secret involves something that is about a member of this
someone saw—altnough I doubt it! family and it involves some
thing that's gonna get him
a smack right in the kisser

M A D RATING: GOOD Q BAD \Sf This program glorifies tattling, encourages kids to be blabbermouths!

MAD RECOMMENDS: This program should be kept a secret from kids!

"MEET THE
THE SHOW: PRESS" THE EFFECT:
Mr. Senator, That all depends on what you That all depends on what you mean by homework.
will you tell consider the Cuban problem! If I did some work at home involving arithmetic.
us how you you mean the Cuban people, we But if you mean the arithmetic homework that
stand on the have no argument with them. If you assigned, that all depends on what you
Cuban problem? you mean the Cuban government, mean by assigned . . .
that all depends on what you
mean by the Cuban government.

M A D RATING: GOOD • BAD JSl This show teaches the child to be devious and deal in semantics.

MAD RECOMMENDS: Children should not be exposed to Congressmen on TV at an early age!

ill SPECIAL MAD REP TIST: WALLACE WOOD
WRITER: STAN HART

ON CHILDREN
THE SHOW:
"MRS KENNEDY'S TOUR
OF THE WHITE HOUSE" THE EFFECT:
And this is the room where President and Mrs.
Lincoln slept. Notice the handsome four-poster
bed, and the lovely lace curtains . . .

This program teaches the child to violate the natural

desire for privacy, and encourages exhibitionism . . .
unfortunately on those who don't wish to be exhibited!
M A D R A T I N G : GOOD Q BAD &f
MAD RECOMMENDS: Either lock the TV set, or lock your bathroom door!

'QUEEN FOR
THE SHOW: A DAY" THE EFFECT:
VA ,
And when my Ha-ha-ha, every cloud has a silver Ha-ha-ha, every cloud has a silver lining,
husband left me lining, poor miserable old woman! poor sick Dad! YOU are " K i n g for a Day"!
with 8 children, YOU are "Queen for a Day"! From From here, you will be taken to court where
I had to trudge here, you will be flown to New the driver of the car you hit will sue you
10 miles through York. And, you will be a guest at for $200,000! And, your car will be sent
snow to scrub a dinner given in your honor at to a body shop where a mechanic will skin
office floors! I'm the Salvation Army Soup Kitchen! you alive! And you will get a new auto
just a poor, And you will receive a year's insurance policy at greatly increased rates!
miserable old supply of shave lotion! And— And you will stand on line for 3 hours at
woman! the unemployment insurance office! And . . .

i
M A D RATING: GOOD BAD • T h i s show teaches the child an important lesson:
T h e r e is no happiness unless there is adversity!

MAD RECOMMENDS: More programs like this to spread optimism in dark times like these!
 'BEN
THE S H O W : c , " * ; THE EFFECT:

Some kids go through life believing that doctors are kind and loving, By
watching this show, they're shown that doctors are a surly, sadistic lot.
M A D R A T I N G : GOOD Sf BAD D
MAD RECOMMENDS! More expose shows like this one

"SIISG ALONG
THE SHOW: WITH MITCH" THE EFFECT:
'M J" Be kind to your web-footed friends, jj
>»| For a duck may be somebody's Mo-ther!

Kids tend to generalize, so one man with a beard and a glazed expression
is the same as another man with a beard and a glazed expression. While Mr.
Miller may lead people in song, a drunk may lead kids into the nearest bar.
M A D R A T I N G : GOOD D BAD ST*
Since this show impresses kids (and depresses some adults) it should
M A D R E C O M M E N D S : be shown at a time when children are not watching TV . . . like never!

THE
THE SHOW: THE EFFECT:

Programs like this demonstrate proper parliamentary procedure, and also

M A D R A T I N G : GOOD $f BAD • show America's respect for the individual, since each member has a vote.

14 MAD RECOMMENDS: Send these programs behind the iron curtain via Telstar. Show them Democracy in action.
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART I
 OFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPT. PART I

MOVIE DIALOGUE
A COLLECTION OF "REVERSE CLICHES" DESIGNED TO
M £ > Y Y- A T Y -'TWor *

mm
Listen, stranger—we got a dirty A most extraordinary demonstration, Professor!
rotten little town here . . . and But will it work as effectively on monkeys as
we aim to keep it that way! it does on human beings?

T~^~ T-*-> m 'mum

Oh, I tried to quit once—tried to get into something
shady! It nearly worked, too! But just when Johnny Ricco
was about to hire me, somebody tipped 'im off about my
religious background . . . and the first t h i n g you know,
xrj. I'm back in church passin' around the collection plate!
WE D LIKE TO HEAR
INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD "SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE"
You're a very fortunate young lady! Had there been
just one fraction of an inch difference, your husband
might have escaped with only a scratch! As it is,
the bullet hit a vital organ . . .

Things weren't always this way with

me, Shirley! I was once a small-time
pushcart peddler!

ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRI DGE

 BRATMANSHIP DEPT.
Today, we live in a "Success-Motivated" society. Every
adult wants to succeed. Which may account for the vast
number of books designed to show us how. Whether we
want to succeed at "Business" or "Golf" or "Washing a
Volkswagen" or any other adult endeavor you can think
of, there's a book on it. But what about children?
Children want to succeed, too. Why are there no books
showing children how to succeed at the important thing
they have to do—namely, to be children. Since we at
MAD are still children at heart, we alone recognize
this need for a success manual for children . . . like:

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: PEARL DEE BELKIN

Chapter 1 When you're alone with your Mommy, rely on

H O W TO S U C C E E D AT MOMMY time-tested phrases like "A woman's
work is never done" a n d " T h e h a n d t h a t
rocks the cradle rules the world."
If these don't work, tell her Daddy doesn't
appreciate her.

Cry.
This will get you anything you want.
After you learn to talk, try not to. Crying
works much better.
If you must talk, say only big words—like
"stethoscope" a n d "Kennedy." Especially
if there's company in the house, and
you w a n t a cookie.

18
 Chapter 2
H O W TO S U C C E E D A T D A D D Y *
Cry.
This will get you anything you want.
Provided you don't cry in front of other
Daddies.
If other Daddies are present, act brave.
Clench your fists and scrunch your
face into an expression of monumental
suffering.
Then whisper in your D a d d y ' s ear t h a t you are
going to cry any minute.

After you learn to talk, don't. Be the strong

silent type. Daddies are impressed by
this, and will give you a nickel.
Of course, if you want to go to the trouble,
you can become a Champion Little Leaguer.
In which case, you won't have to do anything
'NOTE TO GIRLS: YOU MAY SKIP THIS CHAPTER. IF YOU ARE else ever.
A GIRL, THAT'S ALL YOU NEED TO SUCCEED AT DADDY.

Chapter 3 Chapter 4
H O W TO S U C C E E D AT A U N T I E H O W TO S U C C E E D AT GRANDMA

Wear a dress.
This is even more important if you are a boy.
If you are having dinner at Grandma's house,
and you get the wishbone, and you wish
for a b i k e . . .
Tell her you wanted a bike real bad, b u t you
wished for " N o more wars" instead.
You will get the bike.

Tell her she is too young and pretty

to be your Aunt.
Tell her you dreamed she was your Mommy,
and you both p u t on " M o t h e r - a n d - D a u g h t e r "
clothes...
And nobody could tell which was the Mother,
and which was the Daughter.
Tell her you intend to have the same dream
every night from now on.
Then ask her to do you a favor. Ask her to
confess t h a t it was she who broke t h a t
priceless Ming vase.
 Chapter 5 Chapter 6
HOW TO SUCCEED AT ELEMENTARY SCHOOL HOW TO SUCCEED AT GETTING DIRTY

Getting dirty is more than a privilege of

childhood, it is a sacred responsibility.
However, partial success is about all you
can hope for here.
I t is inevitable t h a t the forces of evil will
try to come between you a n d your duty—
and make you take a bath.
Tell the teacher you love her. B u t if you are at all serious about succeeding
If she is single, ask her to marry you. at childhood—no m a t t e r how many times they
If she is married, ask her to please get scrub you down—you will rise up and get
a divorce and marry you. dirty again.
After school, tell the other kids you hate Remember, dirt is what really separates the
her. boys from the men.

Chapter 7 Chapter 8
H O W TO SUCCEED AT ALLOWANCE HOW TO SUCCEED AT TELEVISION

Tell your parents t h a t Joey's allowance is If you are to get in as much TV-viewing time
$50.00 a week. as possible, you must be prepared to do
This may shame them into raising yours to battle with your enemies. Your worst
15tf a week. enemies are as follows: Your Parents.
If they w a n t to check with J o e y first, tell When they attack with: " N o TV! T h e shows are
t h e m he flew to Florida for lunch. so rotten, they'll s t u n t your intellectual
If they say they don't mind waiting till growth—and if you don't get enough sleep,
after lunch, get Joey to back up they'll s t u n t your physical g r o w t h ! " . . .
your story. You m u s t counter-attack with a blockbuster
He will. He's your best friend, isn't he? like: " T h e teacher gave us an assignment
And if your parents try to borrow money to report on the incidence of violence
from him, t h a t ' s his problem. on TV over a 5-year period!"
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT.

Antonio Prohias, who was forced to flee Cuba because he refused to become a
"Castro Convertible", brings us three MAD installments of that friendly
rivalry between the man in black and the man in white—better known as . . .

21
 THE IDES OF TAXES ARE UPON US DEPT.
Every year about this time, the U.S. Government tries to make paying "Income Taxes" a little more bearable. The
Department of Internal Revenue prints millions of forms and booklets that tell us how easy it is to fulfill our
tax obligations. Well, we at MAD can see where it won't be long before the U. S. government turns the whole
problem of "selling" the nation on "Income Tax" over to guys who can really do the job . . . the guys on Madison
Avenue! Then, once a year, we'll all turn on our television sets for that great Government-sponsored spectacular:

Live! From Washington, D.C., the Capital

Capitol of our nation . . . The United
States Government and The Department of
Internal Revenue join hands . . . the same
hands they dip in your pockets . . . to
present that lovable, laughable TV
spectacular-TAX TIME, U.S.A.

ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

Hi, there, all you fellow tax-payers! No—really—all kidding aside, But seriously, folks! It's really But let's not talk about "average
This is laughing Jerry Clark . . . and folks! You don't know what a wonderful to be here! Wonderful m e " ! Let's talk about the real
I'd like to tell you how thrilled I privilege it is to have the for Uncle Sam, that is—because Stars of our show . . . as the
am to be here! I'd like to tell you— opportunity to pay the taxes he gets to collect the taxes on Department of Internal Revenue
but I can't! I keep thinking about that you owe! Ask any of those guys the $45,000 I'm being paid for gives you a preview look at
8 2 % bracket! What am I laughing at?! in Alcatraz who tried not to! M-C-ing this great show! THE NEW 1963 INCOME
• TAX FORMS!
 And here it is, Tax-Payers! The fabulous, brand Isn't that great, folks? All
new 1963 Long Form! It's longer than last year's! those wonderful forms and colors! look at the all-new 1963
It's wider than last year's! The questions are in I just don't know which decorator Short Form . . . gasp . . .
smaller type than last year's! And for the first shade I like best! If I can't This is so exciting . . .
time ever . . . your new 1040 Long Form now comes decide on one, I may just pay
in eleven "House & Garden" Decorator Colors . . . my taxes four or five times!!
(Chuckle-chuckle!)

^ ^ I I I H S J ^

There it is, folks! The Short Form has been simplified for those And in addition to those wonderful new tax forms, folks—
who hate to work with figures! All you do is fill in your name and the Government is introducing even more exciting things to help
address here . . . write down all the money you made in 1962 make paying income tax the " f u n " it should be! For example,
here . . . and send it in! The Government spends what it needs, you can now buy a copy of this fabulous new LP record . . .
and refunds every unused penny! (Chuckle-chuckle!) "Fill In Along With Jack". Yes, for only one dollar, you and your
family can fill in your tax forms—line by line—along with
President Kennedy . . . just as he did it " l i v e " at the
White House last week! j

And the Government hasn't Who knows? Maybe you've made And here's a special form for all you Racketeers! See . . . there's a
forgotten you kids, either! enough money to be taxable, space for you to put in what you earned, and a space to list your
Have you been earning nickels just like Daddy's income! deductions . . . but there's NO space for your name and address!
and dimes for going to the You be sure to get a copy of
store . . . or baby-sitting . . . the exciting "Children's This special form answers the need for you folks engaged in illegal
or washing Daddy's car? Coloring Tax F o r m " . . . businesses who are conscious-stricken because you want to pay
taxes. When your illegal business is finally discovered, you'll still
And if you can't add yet, just be arrested—but "Tax-Evasion" won't be one of the charges!
use the magic "truth" crayon
to draw a picture of all the
different coins and bills you
have in your piggy bank. Mail
it in, and we'll add it up
for you and tell you whether
or not you're eligible to be
an official "Junior Tax Payer"!
 Well, let's move'right along as we Barbara, it's Barbara, I've read in the papers that believe
meet tonight's Celebrity Guest Star! wonderful to you held the Box Office Record for that's
She's known the length and breadth |—, have you here 1962 . . . grossing more money th, true,
of our great nation . . . the talented, any othei
charming, wonderful star of motion
pictures . . . BARBARA BELL . . .

Well, since this is a It was . . . Well, the three pictures I did so marvelously
show about Income the same . . last year: "The New York Story", "Las Vegas
Barbara . . . could we be income was $181,000 before and Interlude" and "Hollywood Expose"—were all
so bold as to ask you before taxes . . . after taxes? shot in Europe! You've heard about that
about your personal and $181,000 after How could little gimmick for avoiding . . .
income and the taxes taxes . . . that be?
you paid?

Well—er—thanks for taking Hi! This is Ed Reimers, speaking

the time to —uh—chat with It's been my patriotic for the U.S. Government! Right now,
us! And good luck on your pleasure, Jerry! And I've got news about an exciting new
new movie, "The America I please send my c h e c k - Tax Time game! It's called "Federal
Love" which you're filming without deductions— Fink!" And here's how it's played:
in Africa . . . to my Madrid address!
\\ You viewers send us postcards with
Sure, Barbara! I'll do that!
And—er—maybe I'll arrange
^s:
Darling, when it comes
to answering questions
names and addresses of n e i g h b o r s -
friends—relatives—enemies—people
to have some tax men deliver asked by tax men, I that you suspect of Tax Evasion!
it and ask you a few have only one thing to
questions!! Hah-hah! say: "No hablo Ingles!"
 Each week, we'll pick fifty cards, So send in the postcards right away, And now, "TAX TIME, U.S.A." presents
and—with the help of the F.B.I.— folks! Be the first on your block t o "The Voice In The Street"! Recently,
check into the tax returns of the hear your neighbors and friends being we took our mobile camera unit into
folks you suggested. If the person dragged away in the middle of the the street, and recorded various
whose name you sent DOES owe us night! Fun . . . Fun . . . Fun ! ! ! people's reactions to income tax!
back taxes, the Government will Can we roll that film now, please—
I split the "take" with you . . . 50-50!

I think the government You can't fool me, Mr. Income tax is all right!
should give trading Funt! I know t h a t ' s a My husband has a good
stamps for taxes paid! microphone . . . and job and we've got two
there's the camera!! kids for deductions—
so we manage . . .

I think lost golf balls I think all income tax Income Tax?! I thought
should be tax-deductible! payers should organize you were from Imperial
and become part of the Margarine
Teamster's Union . . .

Well, that's it, Tax-Payers! Till next There are lots of items that you
year, when you'll have a preview look
A You . . . can . . .
De-duct those doctor bills;
\
d can subtract; A
^ IT'S TAX /
at the 1964 tax forms, this is laugh ing And the cost of all those pills; If you can just substantiate ' TIME, U.S.A.!
Jerry Clark—and the whole wonderful i And your auto license fees; i the fact! I T S TIME FOR
tax-deductible cast, who were flown here J And your gifts to charities; J , So fill in all those forms with
> head held high! j YOU TO PAY!
by U.S. Mail Planes and allowed t o stay And the taxes on your home;
at the lovely 83rd Street Post O f f i c e - Interest on your mortgage l o a n - I An honest form won't bring the AND P A Y . . A
saying . . . F.B.I.! K AND P A Y . . .
• and pay . . . A
and pay . . .
DEPT. OF THE INFERIOR
Is your city taking advantage of the tourist boom? "What", you may answer, "would anyone want to see my rat-trap
city?" First, stop answering a question with a question. And second, there are plenty of tourist attractions—even
in your rat-trap city! To demonstrate this, MAD chose a typical American metropolis — Gournish, Illinois — and sent
a team of investigators there to conduct a survey. They discovered the conditions that made Gournish, Illinois, a
hole . . . and with a little creative lying, turned these problems into typical tourist attractions. Now, by using
Gournish's problems, solutions, and resulting Tourist Guide Book as an example, you MAD readers can learn . . .

HOW TO TURN YOUR

DUMPY
INTO AN ATTRACTIVE

TOURIST TRAP ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: STAN HART

 T H E PROBLEM T H E PROBLEM
A SHABBY, DISGUSTING SKID ROW DESTRUCTIVE ANNUAL FLOODS

Like many American cities, Gournish was plagued with a

"Bums'" section. Was this problem solvable? We sent our Every Spring, the Schpritz River overflows its banks and
three-man investigating team to live among the derelicts. floods downtown Gournish. The city has been called "One
After a week, we asked our investigators, "Can something of the worst disaster areas in the nation!" And that's by
be done about this problem?" Each one answered, "Yesh!" folks who don't even know about these awful annual floods.

T H E SOLUTION T H E SOLUTION
$26 ivorth of Sombreros; $19 worth of Serapes; 250 Candles 6 used Gondolas, 6 Venetian Costumes, 4 old Harber Poles,
@ 8? each; a pre-fab $83 Souvenir Stand. Total Cost: $122. 4000 Pigeons, 500 rolls of Crepe Paper. Total Cost: $361.

^
VISIT OUR QUAINT "MEXICAN QUARTER" A TOUCH OF OLD ITALY IN THE NEW WORLD

"Is this Illinois, or is this Guadalajara?" you will ask

when you visit Gournish's quaint Mexican Quarter. Here,
time slips gracefully by in the romantic setting of Old
Mexico. Here, people forget their troubles and live in a
world all their own. So, watch out! You may want to stay!

All the romance . . . all the glamour and beauty of fabled

Venice is yours in Gournish's picturesque Italian Quarter
where placid canals flow past stately warehouse buildings.
 T H E PROBLEM T H E PROBLEM
EVICTIONS OF UNEMPLOYED WORKERS

Most Gournish citizens vote against school taxes as soon The former employees of Gournish Covered Wagon Corp.
as their kids graduate. Last year, the Gournish Board of have experienced difficulties in finding new jobs in the
Education received an allocation of $65,000 to tear down same industry. However, the far-seeing President of the
6 old school buildings. Unfortunately, it couldn't get an Gournish Chamber of Commerce took action, and persuaded
allocation for rebuilding any new schools as replacements. the Ford Motor Co. to open a plant here—an Edsel plant.

T H E SOLUTION T H E SOLUTION

1 Metal Plaque, 1 Uniformed Guard. Total Cost: $78 per wk. Hold All Evictions Once A Year In October. Total Cost: 0

SEE THE ONLY 1810 SCHOOLHOUSE VISIT OUR ANNUAL SIDEWALK ANTIQUE FAIR
STILL STANDING IN AMERICA
Out of respect for historic landmarks, Gournish has not
changed one board or disturbed one pane of glass of this
quaint old schoolhouse. This is not a reconstruction, but
the actual school Gournish children attended in 1810. A
fine example of primitive American educational facilities.

?P£V
GUIDED
TOURS
504
''"'- *W|
rD
41 ml4u&
I THIS SCHOOL WAS
BUILT OVER I" ?&'
150 YEARS A<SQ
IT IS COMPLETELY
AUTHENTIC.
OPEN TO PUBLIC
SATURDAYS
l] AND AFTER
3 PM
- WEEKDAYS <

><
3
. £3 Antique lovers everywhere flock to Gournish each Fall for
,\* our annual "Sidewalk Antique Show". These bargain-hunt-

ff*g$fe
?^t%o*
ing collectors literally clean out the town. For a modest sum,
you may be lucky enough to purchase one of the heirlooms
that were treasured by Gournish families for generations.
 T H E PROBLEM T H E PROBLEM
WATER POLLUTION OF BEACHES AN ABNORMAL AMOUNT OF TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS

The Planning Commission made a small miscalculation when There are many street corners on Gournish which are real
they erected the Gournish Public Beach too close to the traffic hazards. When our team of investigators asked
Garbage Dump-like right on top of it. When the Chairman Traffic Commissioner Claude Fistula if he were aware of
of the Anti-Pollution League stated, "Our beaches aren't the danger, he answered, "You don't have to tell me—my
fit for pigs!", Gournish's Mayor replied, "Yes, they are!" auto body and fender shop works overtime 6 nights a week!"

T H E SOLUTION THE SOLUTION

500 Face Masks, 500 pairs of Flippers. Total Cost: $395. Erect Bleachers and Ticket Booth with sign: Cost: $576.

"^
CATCH YOUR OWN LUNCH AT FABULOUS BEACHES SEE THE GOURNISH DAREDEVILS IN ACTION
If you love thrill-packed action, you'll love Gournish's
"Daredevil Drivers". For a small charge, you can watch
NOW RUNNING them defy death as they pile into each other in screech-
HAAA • 2 . ° ° DEPOSIT
ing collisions. These devil-may-care performers use no
—i CHEESE helmets or seat belts. Some even drive brand new cars.
TOMATO
LETTUCE RENTAL
^FLIPPERS u
CHICKEN
^ALAD PACE
MASK y- \ w

No words can describe the exciting Bay of Gournish. Here

is a sportsman's paradise. Learn the thrill of catching
your own food—it's always more delicious that way. When
you come to Gournish, pack a bathing suit and nose clips. V»S
 T H E PROBLEM T H E PROBLEM
JUVENILE DELINQUENCY AND MUGGINGS IN PARK A "DO-NOTHING" CITY GOVERNMENT

Like many American cities, Gournish's parks are jungles

where bands of juvenile delinquents beat and rob unwary
citizens. Albert Gass, Gournish's Social Worker, is the Every Presidential election year, the people of Gournish
only one taking positive action. Unarmed, he roams the return their Councilmen to another 4-year vacation with
parks at night to find kids and talk to them. So far, he pay. This year, the Councilmen passed only one piece of
has talked to 227 kids, and has been mugged 227 times. legislation — a bill to re-upholster their council seats.

THE SOLUTION T H E SOLUTION

Stage Coach & Team, 2 Western Costumes. Total Cost: $750. 15 feet of Velvet Rope, Ticket Booth. Total Cost: $17.50.
 .,f-.'/ n n p%
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

THE FIRST ECH(ECHO

^ ^ > M
HEY"HEY-Ho Ho!
JUST GOT RP-TiffiPY-

BAGK _
TRoM "
o-fli-o!!
3+-dHHHHH>T-fr-*-*-*MARCH ALONG WITH MITCH D E P T . ^ ^ ^ i i ^ J t ^
* *

*
TODAY'S SERVICE SONGS *
*
*
*
ARE DATED AND UNREALISTIC *
*
FOR EXAMPLE, LET'S EXAMINE TWO OF THE MOST POPULAR ONES:
* *
The Caissons G o Rolling Along Anchors A weigh! *
*
Over hill, over dale, Anchors aweigh, my boys! *
We will hit the dusty trail, Anchors aweigh!
* As those caissons go rolling along. Farewell to college days; *
Counter- march, right about, We sail at break of day-day-day-day!
* Hear those wagon soldiers shout,
As those caissons go rolling along. *
*
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
* *
*
* *
* *
* For it's "Hi-hi-hee!" *
In the field artillery;
Through our last night on shore,
Shout out those numbers loud and strong:
Drink to the foam. *
(Three, Four)
4 And where 'er we go,
You will always know
Un-til we meet once more,
Here's
*
* Wishing you a *
That those caissons go rolling along. Hap-py voyage
Home! *
In this age of military mobility, how many artillery men
march over hill and dale . . . or anywhere else. And what's This song was great for guys coming out of Annapolis. But
with this "wagon-soldier" bit? Sure, wagons were great you can't expect the whole Navy to keep singing it with
during the Spanish American War (Teddy Roosevelt loved enthusiasm. Let's face it: There are quite a few guys in
them!), but in today's army, they'd look ridiculous. And the Navy who never even went to high school, let alone
* here's the thing that really gets us: Picture a bunch of college. And another thing: Have you ever seen a bunch of
tired, dirty, battle-sore soldiers slogging along after sailors sitting around drinking? Can't you picture them *
2 weeks of combat—and then letting loose with something toasting "the foam"? And saying something as clean and
* wholesome as, "Here's wishing you a happy voyage home!"? *
like "Hi-hi-hee!" Boy, that's not the kind of language
they use in the army we know! Yep, this song has had it! That's almost as bad as "Hi-hi-hee!" This song has had it! *
*
* *
OBVIOUSLY, IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE, SO HERE WE GO WITH
*

MAD'
* *
*
* *
*
* REALISTIC, UP-TO-DATE *
*
*

* SERVICE SONGS
* * * * * * *
ARTIST: GEORGE WOODBRIDGE

* * * * * * * * *
WRITER: LARRY SI EGEL

* * * * * * * * * * * * *
33

*
*
*
• • • • • • • • • • • * • • • • • • * • • • • * • * • • • • • * *
* With so many real soldiers playing extras in * Here is a truly realistic "Marines' Hymn":
war movies, a song like this is appropriate:
* * THE NEW MARINES' HYMN
THE CAMERAS GO ROLLING ALONG (To the tune of the old "Marines' Hymn")
* (To the tune of "The Caissons Go Rolling Along") *
From the neck-high mud of fo-ox holes
Greet those fans, take a bow,
We're on movie duty now,
* To malar-i-a filled bogs,
We will march for 90 miles a day
* As those cameras go rolling along. * And drop out and die like dogs!
Hit the beach, kill a Hun
With those blanks there in your gun, *
As those cameras go rolling along.
* *

* *
*
* We will land on mine-strewn bea-eaches
And we'll live with snakes and fleas;
* * Then we'll all leave Parris Island for
Restful combat overseas.
* For it's "M-G-M". . .
*
Or another "Warner's" gem . . .
To Dar-ryl F. Zanuck we belong: * • • • • • • • • • • • • • • •
(Lights.' Cut.'} As we all know, astronauts have a problem more meaningful
* * to them than space radiation and faulty rocket mechanisms:
But should Reds attack,
* We will all fight back . . . *
Once those cameras stop rolling along. THE MERCURY ASTRONAUT SONG
* * (To the tune of "The Air Force Song")

* • • • • • • • • • • * • • • We can't zoom
Aside from heroism and devotion to duty, the Navy is High over land and waters;
famous for another thing: Dating horribly ugly girls. * We've no time
* We think a song saluting this would be very apropos: For the space scene,
Till we meet
* THE NAVY DATING SONG * Seventy-nine reporters,
(To the tune of "Anchors Aweigh!") Working for
* * Life Magazine.
Our taste's absurd, my boys!
* Our taste's absurd! * (Hold-That-Smile/)
With girls, our eyesight's blurred: Cam'ras click;
* We date pigs by the herd-herd-herd-herd! * They shoot our sons and daughters,
Dog and house;
* * Then they all roar:
* SLIMY * "Make love to your wife
DDIE'S For page 8 of Life!"
* * Hey, nothing can stop the Henry Luce Corps!

*
*

* *
* *
* *
* W h e n on t h a t b r i n y d e e p *
F r o m J u n e to M a y ,
* Prac-tic'ly any creep
Looks
* *
L i k e t h e girl
W h o m a r r i e d JFK! A-
• • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • - A
• * • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • • * • • • • • • • • • • •
Since Federal troops have become part of the campus
scenery at various schools over the past few years,
we think it's time they were commemorated in song:

THE CAMPUS OCCUPATION SONG

(To the tune of "When Johnny Comes Marching Home")

When Johnny goes off to school again,

Hurrah! Hurrah!
We Federal troops will be there then,
Hurrah! Hurrah!
Oh, he'll sneer and jeer and scream and cuss,
And shout and yell and spit at us;
What a hap-py day
When Johnny goes off to school.

Bless Sick Call! Bless Sick Call!

When passion for duty is small, *
We see the medics ere battles begin;
* Tell 'em we're dying and need Aspirin.
When Johnny goes off to school once more, How we Goldbricks just love that Sick Call;
Hurrah! Hurrah! * It's safer than going A-WOL! *
We'll teach him the ways of total war, You get no promotion
Hurrah! Hurrah!
*
With Calamine Lotion,
He will learn his French and Arithmetic * But who gives a d a m n - *
To bayonets—not a hick'ry stick; Bless Sick Call!
And he'll whiff tear gas * *
When Johnny goes off to school.
* • • • • • • • • • • • • • • *
* And last but not least, this song needs no introduction: *
* SONG OF THE RESERVISTS *
(CALLED BACK TO ACTIVE DUTY)
* #$%&*!@tf!*&%$#! *
#$%&*!@tf!
* %$#\*&@<tl #%$<}%]
*
* %#$! *
* &@*tf$#*!#%$! *
When Johnny is through with school at last, *
Hurrah! Hurrah!
*
He'll leave the old campus and run off fast, * *
Hurrah! Hurrah!
But then he'll be drafted and he'll come back *
With helmet,gun and a full field pack, *
And they'll all curse HIM—
When Johnny comes back to school. *
*
*

4i '
*
*
*
*
*
• • • • • * • • • • • • • • • • •• • • • • • • • • • • • • • * •
 BERG'S-EYE VIEW PEPT.
David Berg has always had a certain
animosity toward Doctors, ever since
one of them slapped him around when
he was born! And he's carried this
grudge to an extreme — never having
been sick a single day in his life!
Weeks and months, yes — but not one
single day! Anyway, now Dave slaps
back with a "Berg's-Eye View" of the
Medical Profession which examines...

I have such a pain . . . Madam, I do not give curbside

right here! Do you advice! If you wish to consult
think it's serious? me professionally, make an
appointment at my office!

If you had come down with this illness . . . but today, medical science has
several years ago, there wouldn't be made great inroads—and we know how
much we doctors could do for i t . . . to treat is successfully. Pardon me
a moment while I look it up in one
of my reference books!
1_IJ -LI—

Haven't I told you over and over a . . . because that's when our
thousand times that if you must get sick, regular doctor is OFF CALL!!
DON'T do it on weekends, Wednesdays,
legal holidays, golf tournament season,
or medical convention time . . .
 FAMILY
DOCTORS W R I T E R * . ARTIST: DAVID BERG

I'm always being stopped on the street Doctor, I do not give curbside advice! By the way Doc—I have such a pain . . .
and asked for free medical advice! What If you wish to consult me professionally, right here! Do you think it's serious?
if I were to give that advice and it make an appointment at my office!
turned out wrong? Could I be sued—
under the circumstances?

I didn't realize you It's not that! It's

were in so much pain! your darn stethoscope!
IT'S ICE COLD!!

Hello? Dr. Gittelson? I've

been trying to read the
instructions you wrote out
for me! What does . . .
mean?
 Dr. Lipman, I'm miserabull—sniff! I've got a howwibull The best thi'g you can do fo' a co'd—sniff— is to take
CO'd—sniff! My eyes are wadderink, my nose is ruddink, two aspirids—sniff—and go to bed and stay dere—sniff!
and my throat is sore—sniff! What should I do—sniff??

Well, young lady! By the Roger Willco? MY I see! Er—Mrs. Cotter,

But,
I don't find anything way . . . Boyfriend?? That I'm giving you this
I how's your
physically wrong with dirty two-timing perscription! Take it
feel
you! Certainly, a 16- boyfriend, double-crosser!! down to Oaks Pharmacy
awful,
year-old should have Roger Willco? He likes that phony and have them fill it!
Doctor!
more up-and-at-'em! hair-tinting hussy,
IT Sylvia Saddlesoap!!

Doctor, is this examination Why? What's your hurry? I wanna get home in t i m e
going to take much longer? to watch "Ben Casey"!

Oh, hello, You have a severe Doctor, as long as you're here, Pull I've been getting
Doctor! As Yes, disconnect
case of open mouth! could you take a look at Rita? out hoarse lately,
long as you're your telephone!
Try to keep cake and She gets terrible headaches the Doctor! Can you
here . . . why candy away from it! after watching TV all day! plug! suggest something?
do I keep
gaining weight?
What should I do?
IT
 Penicillin for a sore throat! My dear Mrs. McMullin! Hello! I'm I feel terrible! Well, we can fix that up
Ridiculous! In the old country, Medical science has come home! Hey— I think I'm in a jiffy! Is there any
we used to take garlic, vinegar, a long way since then! what's the coming down with garlic, vinegar, and
and limburger cheese—grind it The cure that you suggest matter a sore throat!! limburger cheese in the
all together—put the mixture belongs back in the ignorant, with you ? house?
in a hot towel—and wrap it superstitious Dark Ages!!
around the neck! It worked
every time!

Officer, this car that's Can't you see it's got an " M . D . "
double-parked is blocking license plate? The doctor is
traffic! Why don't you probably on an emergency call!
give the owner a ticket?

Dr. Miller—sob—this is Your medicine can wait!

Mrs. Phillips! My husband The doctor will be here
seems to be getting worse! in twenty minutes! I've
I'm terribly worried—sob! got to straighten out
Could you please come over the house, clean the
and have a look at him . . .? bathroom, and put out
Oh, thank you, Doctor! fresh towels! You don't
Thank you . . . want the doctor to think
we're slobs do you?

Doctor, I don't seem to HEY, DOC! REMEMBER ME? I'M THE

have much of an appetite PATIENT YOU CAME TO EXAMINE!!
lately! Especially after
a big meal!
 SLIPPED DISC DEPT.

Everybody knows that record album covers are designed chiefly to sell the records inside. But, for a few dis-
cerning collectors, they also serve another purpose. Through the billings on the covers, it is possible to trace..,

THE RISE... 1952

1950 and the

1948 W e l s h Coal Mining Ditties EUCLID PHLOMM CHORALE I
Sung By Sing
THE EUCLID PHLOMM CHORALE
WITH PATRICIA BLOUSEN Tunes

£
Broadway

1956
AND FALL
 ARTIST: JACK RICKARD
WRITER: TOM KOCH 1955
THE
INCREDIBLE
1954 VOICE OF
PATTI
BLOUSEN

RECORDING
FAVORITES OF THE FIFTIES
A Pocketful of Memories ,«, S T A R 1963
NAVi
WAILED BY
THE EUCLID PHLOMM CHORALE
LEON SARAH
SNEED
I DWIRPO
£f^f

^^ 1
ROCKY PATTI
yj^WYERFOG BLOUSEN
 * 2 S OFF THE BEATEN SOUND TRACK DEPT. PART II

<0MOVIE DIALOGUE WE D LIKE TO HEAR

A COLLECTION OF "REVERSE CLICHES" DESIGNED TO INJECT NEW LIFE INTO OLD "SURE-FIRE DIALOGUE"
 THE PRICE IS A RIOT DEPT. 3*^_
A few issues back, you marvelled at the ingenious business methods employed by "MAD's Movie
Theater Owner of the Year." Well, those little tricks of his were "child's play" compared to . . .

II

MADS "DISCOUNT CENTER

OWNER OF THE YEAR WRITER: LARRY SIEGEL ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD

Once again, MAD has assigned me to interview a prosperous Miss Killfifth . . . welcome to magnificent fabulous 400-acre
business man, and get the inside story on his operation! Mr. "Kuttrayte C i t y " . . . the only store on earth where you can buy
A.K. Kuttrayte, owner of the nation's largest and most success- everything under one roof! Matter of fact, we'll even sell you
ful Discount C e n t e r . . . my name is Dorothy Killfifth, and I've the roof! Let's see . . . it cost us $495,000! We'll sell it
been dying to meet you! You see, up to now, I thought everybody hy to you for $400,000! That's 2 0 % off! Quite a discount!
did all their shopping at Tiffany's . . . like me! s 7^

No thanks, Mr. Kuttrayte. For Exactly! Here's the Thomas Mr. Kuttrayte, course! But they forget about it fast! And
a start, I'd like to see those Jefferson Washer, which is aren't you once we've dragged them into a store of this
famous name brand washing made in Tokyo, and here's cheating the size, they're bound to buy something else . . .
machines which you sell at the William Shakespeare customers with
fantastically low prices. Your Washer, made in Yokohama, <fa\_ those phony
ads say that you can't mention and here's the Babe Ruth,
the famous name brands, but which offers a saving of
anyone would recognize them as 180 yen—heh-heh—sorry,
soon as they saw them . . . 360! You must admit, they
are all famous name brands!
 Vleck! What's the idea of smiling and Sorry, sir! I lost my You see, Miss Killfifth, when customers For example
talking politely to that customer? You head! If you like, I'll to a Discount Center, they expect to be treated lere's Arnc
know you should be scowling and ignoring take a refresher course like dirt by the clerks, and they expect messy Pfefferschmid
her! And look how disgustingly neat this in "Counter Sloppiness counters! It's all part of the bargain-hunting I . . . the most
counter is! Mess it up, man! Mess it up! and Discourtesy" at the psychology! They figure the less money we successful
Make it look as if 8000 customers have store's Sales Training spend on good clerks and store neatness, the salesman in the
been rummaging through it for fantastic School, sir . . . more savings we pass on to them in bargains! I whole store!
BARGAINS!
wD

M
Y)\ \1
\\\1,

n
Now, this power mower sells I see. In other
everywhere for about $64. So words, the public
what we do is write down on only thinks they
the price tag: "LIST PRICE: are saving money!
$112. OUR PRICE: - $ 6 4 . ! " But what happens
See, the trick is to make up when you put this
a ridiculous list price for same power mower |
the tag and then sell the on a "Special
item for more or less what Sale"?
it usually sells for in the
first place!

v
POWER
MOWERS
\*&
%\ PR\Ct
^ S

And if we still can't sell it, all we do is I notice Oh, yes! But Just one second, sir, while I
change the list price to $199, and our price you allow we prefer get Mr. Frammis, our Counter
to $139! For some reason, most slobs won't customers cash! So we Supervisor to contact Mr.
touch a reasonably priced item! But sell the to pay by have some Flooper, our Section Supervisor,
exact same thing for a lot more dough, and check! ingenious to contact Mr. Grimlit, our
they grab it! Around here, we call this ways of Store Supervisor, to okay your
system "The Law of Supply and Idiots". discouraging check. You see, Mr. Grimlit is
this practice! the only one on our staff who
Alt Watch . . . can read and write!

e
While we're waiting for Miss Killfifth! We'll sell ATTENTION! ATTENTION ALL don't know Miss Killfifth! There's
Mr. Grimlit to handle anything here! But obviously SHOPPERS! FOR THE NEXT something about an announcement]
that customer, I wish nobody is going to just walk FIFTEEN MINUTES ONLY, THE over a loud-speaker that arouses
you'd tell me what up and buy beat-up old packing FIRST LUCKY 25 CUSTOMERS the buying instincts of the public,
those beat-up old crates! We have to—heh-heh— WHO GET TO COUNTER 12 no matter what we're selling! So far
packing crates are encourage t h e m . That's why we WILL BE ABLE TO BUY this year, I've cleared $90,000 on
doing on this counter? have our unique loud-speaker BEAT-UP OLD PACKING junk like this . . . not to mention the
You're not selling them, system! Listen . . . CRATES AT THE FANTASTIC $1400 I've saved on Garbage
are you? LOW PRICE OF ONLY $34.00 Removal Service . . .
A CRATE!!

Oh, look! Our check-paying H m m m ! So you want to pay by check! That poor guy is not nearly out of the woods yet!
customer has finally gotten May I see your Driver's License, But now, I'd like you to see our "Hi-Fi Center"—
through to Mr. Grimlit your Army Discharge papers, your or "STEREO-ARAMA", as we call it. We like to tack
Social Security card, Library on catchy "ARAMA" tags to all our departments!
card, three Character References, To my left is "TOY-ARAMA"! Next to it is "TV-ARAMA'
Loyalty Clearance documents, and To my right is "AUTO-ARAMA"! We sell yachts at
your Blood Type classification— "MARINE-ARAMA"! And authentic space rockets over
there at "MISSILE-ARAMA"! ->
 WHY DO I THINK I I think it's a nice Yes, we love to have the kids in
YOU HAVE KNOW HOW gesture on your part here. They're the most potent
ALL THE THAT BIT to provide room on buying force in the country! If
HI-FI SETS GOES! MAY I the shopping carts the parents don't maneuver their
GOING AT SEE THE FOOD for children. It makes carts directly down the middle of
ONCE, FULL SECTION NOW, it so much easier for the aisle, and happen to get just
BLAST? PLEASE . their parents to shop! a little too close to a shelf,
the kids will grab down anything
and throw it in the c a r t . . .

Of course—heh-heh—we sort of help things Miss Killfifth, mistakes Exactly! We always jam the
along with our carts! You'll notice that can happen! We're only middle of an aisle with boxes
every one moving now has a crooked front | human! But don't worry . . . you know, pretending we
wheel! We have a special company in about her! We'll get her are re-stocking the shelves!
Muncie, Indiana, that builds nothing but in the next aisle! Come, Then we station clearks all
crooked-wheeled shopping carts for us. I'll show you . . . around to guard them! Believe
They've got it down to a science. No cart me, there's no way for this
can move three feet without veering off woman to escape from this
to the side . . . towards a shelf! aisle with less than 39 cans
of salted peanuts now!

Oh, here's Damn idiot tried to sell some tomatoes that ight! And I'm particularly proud of this department! Not
your "Fruit weren't wrapped in cellophane! Not that we only are these checkers fast, but they're also very
and Vegetable wrap things in cellophane for sanitary reasons. imaginative! Angela, here, is my most creative checker!
Section"! But Actually, the stuff isn't even washed before Look at that . . . $4.59 for a can of peas! $5.12 for a
why is that it's wrapped! The cellophane makes it tough grapefruit! Oh, look at that! $11.29 for a box of tooth-
store police- for a customer to squeeze the merchandise picks! Genius! Sheer genius! Yes, sir—if we don't get the
man dragging to see if it's rotten . . . which it often is! customers inside, we hook 'em out here!
off the clerk?
I don't understand! No, these girls work their machines Oh, yes! And the folks who collect them
Don't the people much too fast! And even when a customer get all kinds of wonderful free gifts!
know they're being gets home . . . with eight huge bags of Of course, we have to foot the bill for
charged ridiculous food, who bothers to check over a long the gifts . . . so what we do is tack a few
prices? list of tabulated prices? Know what I mean? cents on the price of each item, and
we manage . . . we manage! Actually, it's
a great set-up! It costs each customer
an extra $50 or so a year for a " f r e e "
$25 g i f t . . . if she ever finishes saving

Mjr. Kuttrayte! Terrible news! P.U. Cuttpryce

is opening a new Discount Center right across
the street! He's calling it "Cuttpryce County"!
And it's going to cover 1000 more acres than
our store! His prices will be lower, he'll sell
stuff we don't sell, and what's more—he's
building an apartment development right in the
store so people will never have t o leave the
place! What are we going to do? MR
205

bSi^l*^®:
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III Ahh! At last I've got it! The most
original novelty gun to ever hit
the market!!

THE INVENTOR
at the
NOVELTY COMPANY
Wait till the Boss sees it! I'll Sorry to barge in on you like this,
get a raise immediately. Why, he J. C.-but I've just invented a
might even give me a percentage novelty gimmick twenty years ahead
of the stock!! of its time! Watch...
 YOU'LL SHRIEK WITH LAUGHTER WHEN WE
PRACTICE OUR OL' BLACK-AND-WHITE MAGIC
. . . AND GIVE THE NEEDLE TO

MADISON AVENUE
. . . and its constant drum-drum-drumming

* HOLLYWOOD
. . . and its same old tired song-and-dance

* TELEVISION
. . . you can't tell witch doctor is which

* POLITICIANS
. . . that hide behind masks of indifference

* AND OTHER "SACRED COWS"

. . . the sourcery of many of our troubles

BECOME A MEMBER OF THE NOUVEAU RITUAL!

STICK SOME PIN MONEY INTO

THEVi • i i i
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 PHOTO BY LESTER KR

A penny can make your conscience feel better

Here's a helpful hint for making Order your first drink, and drop a findyou've put aside enough pennies
things right with the little woman penny into the glass. to buy your wife a thoughtful peace
next time you're out late, boozing And every time you order another offering—something to shutjier up
it up with the boys: drink, drop another penny into the when you fail in
As soon as you step up to the bar, glass. the front door
ask the bartender for an empty glass When you've spent all your money, A corsage wil
and set it down beside you. and you're thoroughly soused, and do it. Try Three,
Now you can get down to business. you're ready to stagger home, you'll maybe Four Roses!

Association Of American Florists