BUILD UP YOUR EGO WITH

OUR

500 500

20

500 500
 fct*. o* ^

5*

^ ^ a w
,.v,g&
IU
-~amim '

""" » *••-'
— Y-
What happened to the coverage? . . . that big They felt secure under t h a t big umbrella (the dotted
umbrella which The T r a v a i l e r s I n s u r a n c e Company uses l i n e s ) . But when they retired, were they s u r p r i s e d !
as a symbol of adequate insurance protection? In the The big umbrella turned out to be very small. That's
picture above, we see a couple t h a t had the foresight because no one has yet figured out how to SANFORIZE
to buy adequate insurance protection many years ago. insurance umbrellas against the ravages of inflation.

THE TRAVAILERS Insurance Companies S

NUMBER 71 JUNE 1962 VITAL FEATURES
GAMBLING 5
A look at the idiots who
try to double their hard-
earned cash by gambling
it foolishly . . . like the
"you'll never get rid 0/ a bad temper by losing it!" —Alfred E. Ncunian idiot Publisher of MAD.

PUBLISHER: William M. Gaines EDITOR: Albert B. Feldstein RAIN .14

It's raining!
ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner
It's pouring!
EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin
This
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman PUBLICITY STUNTS: Dick Bernstein
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Anthony Giordano
article
—will leave you snoring!
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS:
The Usual Gang of Idiots

A MAD GUIDE TO RUSSIA 19

You know the expression:

D E P A R T M E N T S "Better Red Than Dead!"?
Well, this Guide to the
ARTIFICIAL DISSEMINATION DEPARTMENT
U.S.S.R. proves there's
The Birth of a Brand N a m e 36
very l i t t l e d i f f e r e n c e !
B E R L I N AIRLIFT D E P A R T M E N T
The B i g Bad W a l l 48
DON MARTIN IN SHERWOOD FOREST. .24
BETTER R E A D T H A N D R E A D DEPARTMENT
A M A D G u i d e to Russia 19 Legend has it that when
BITTER-PATTER D E P A R T M E N T Richard heard it was this
The Lighter S i d e of Rain 14 group that had raised his
ransom, he offered twice
CHAIRMAN OF THE BROAD DEPARTMENT as much to stay in prison.
C e l e b r i t i e s ' W a l l e t s (Frank Sinatra's) 30

COPS AND RODGERS DEPARTMENT

South C h i c a g o 43 CELEBRITIES' WALLETS .30

DAMES AND DOZE DEPARTMENT Obtaining the wallets for

D r e a m Girls 40 this series has been very
tough. To get Sinatra's,
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT
we had to go about it in
Spy vs. Spy 18, 42 a very "clan"-destine way.
LETTERS D E P A R T M E N T
Random S a m p l i n g s of Reader Mail 2

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT FUTURE PHYSICAL AFFLICTIONS 32

W e Knew Them When **
A MAD glance at physical
PADDING AND PENCIL DEPARTMENT
Famous T e s t Papers 11 PS changes that could evolve
from our way of life. As
for mental changes . . . a
ROBIN HOOD-WINKED DEPARTMENT glance at MAD is enough!
Don Martin in S h e r w o o d Forest 24

THE WAGERS OF SIN DEPARTMENT

Gambling 6 THE BIRTH OF A BRAND NAME 36

UP F O R A D A P T I O N D E P A R T M E N T How product names spring

Future Physical A f f l i c t i o n s 32 from Madison Ave. brain-
storming sessions, where
" " V a r i o u s Places A r o u n d The Magazine the thinking is all wet,
and the Martinis are dry.

SOUTH C H I C A G O 43
MAD — June, 1962 Vol. 1. Number 7 1 . is published monthly except February, May,
August and November, by E . C . Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, In MAD's parody musical
New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions, 9 issues for $2.00
in the U.S. Elsewhere, S2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire about the gangster era of
contents copyright 1962 by E . C . Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be
responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a the '20's, the "Stoolies"
stamped, self-addressed return envelope. The names of characters used in all MAD fiction and do their singing on stage
semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a
coincidence. Printed in U.S.A. ^*~ instead of to the police.
 LETTERS DEPT.

WANNA
MAD BABIES
For some strange reason, this department
has been receiving a flood of snapshots of
babies reading MAD, probably a snide
comment on the intellect of our material.
Anyway, we hope this random sampling
will bring a welcome end to such "kid.stuff"!

NECK?
aby Leonard,
Commerce, Tex.
MAD WRITER MAKES GOOD
Astute MAD readers may note the absence
of Larry Siegel's bi-line in this issue. We
are proud (and sad) to announce that, as
a result of his hilarious work for us, Larry
was recently summoned to the West Coast
You get t h a t . . . and two big ears, to write "The Bob Newhart Show". But, so
you won't feel cheated, here's a card we
and a missing tooth, and lots of received from him the other day:
other funny features when you order
HOLLYWOOD PLAZA HOTEL
Hollywood, Calif.
A BISQUE-CHINA BUST OF Al baby,
Don't believe what they tell you about

ALFRED E. NEUMAN this town changing a guy. It's not true,

sweetheart. I'm the same as always, baby.
Caught your latest issue. Loved it! LOVED
it! It's YOU, sweetie! Regards to the gang.
And Al baby, I mean this with all sin-
cerity: No matter what happens, nothing
will change our relationship.
Sincerely,
Mr. Siegel

STATE AIDE
When the delegates to the Citizenship
Institute for Girls at Douglass College
toured the State House at Trenton one
afternoon, what do you think we found
in the Governor's office? An issue of
MAD!
Elizabeth Leppman
Moorestown, N. J.

HIGHER EDUCATION
MAD is required reading for my chil-
dren. I've taught them what I know
about sticking pins in over-inflated bal-
loons, but MAD is "Post-Grad."
G. W. Wilson
Vancouver, Canada
MAD REACTION
_ — use coupon or duplicate My mother thinks MAD is a scream.
Every time I buy it, she screams at me for
MAD BUST wasting a quarter.
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y. Ed Costello
Lexington, Mass.
Please rush my bust of Alfred E. Neuman.
Not that I wanna neck. I'd just like to
see you guys "make out"—for a change!
OVER 30
I ENCLOSE $. FOR:
Q 5%" Bust(s) at $2.00 each
MILLION SOLD!
] 3%" Bust(s) at $1.00 each Yep, over thirty million people are sold
on the idea that this item isn't worth
half the two bits we're charging for it.
NAME. Which still leaves about 150 million who
might be conned into buying one. So, if
ADDRESS. you'd like a full-color picture of Alfred
E. Neuman, MAD's "What—Me Worry?" kid,
CITY .ZONE. mail 25c to: MAD, Dept. " W h a t - C o l o r ? "
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, New York.
STATE.
(NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U. S. A.)

^
 MAD D.J.
IT WAS
Here I am spinning good music like
jazz and show tunes at WBWC. Natu- A CASE OF MIND OVER
rally, Alfred E. Neuman was my Program
Director at this session. Success to MAD,
the D.J.'s eternal companion!
Candy Lee
READING-MATTER!
WBWC
Berea, Ohio

N o w , pictures of " b a b e s " like this a r e okay!

-Ed.

HE DOESN'T GET IT
Everyone around my house likes MAD
except my uncle. He just reads what I ask
him to in MAD, and says "I don't get it!"
How can I get him to get it? Yes, t h e p a t i e n t h a d a h i s t o r y o f
' Rahv Bards &D01U
Niles Norling sleepless nights a n d undue mental
Alemeda, Calif. anguish; wondering when the next
issue w a s d u e t o hit the stands!
Get him a subscription. Then he's sure to
get it!—Ed. MY PRESCRIPTION...
A BIG DELE
While browsing through your latest
SUBSCRIBE TO
issue, I found a slight typographical error
—mainly the whole darn magazine!
John Dollriehs
AD
. - - — (use coupon or duplicate) _ - - -
Cincinnati, Ohio
MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS
DON MARTIN BOOK 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
While reading the latest Don Martin Okay! I'm coughing up my $2.00. Please enter my
cartoons, the thought occurred to me that name on your subscription list, and send me the
a collection of the best from Don Martin next nine issues of MAD. I know this isn't ex-
in magazine or pocket book form would actly what the doctor ordered, but I'd rather
trade a headache for an upset stomach. Gee! I'm
be a wonderful idea. T o m R a p p suffering from a sudden loss of appetite already!
Union City, N . J.
NAME
It occurred to us, too! See the inside-back
cover of this issue!—Ed. ADDRESS.

CITY -ZONE-
Please address all correspondence t o :
M A D , Dept. 7 1 , 8 5 0 Third Avenue STATE. .Outside U.S.A.: $2.50
New York City 2 2 , N. Y.
NOTE: Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed.

DON'T SAY WE DIDN'T WARN YOU! MAD A N T H O L O G Y

THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.

WAS BOUND TO SELL OUT! I enclose $2.95. Please rush

MAD U n f o r t u n a t e l y , it d i d n ' t ! THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD

B u t they still did a nice binding j o b on t h i s

de l u x e , h a r d - c o v e r a n t h o l o g y o f t h e best f r o m
NAME.
MAD. You get 1 3 6 pages of h u m o r , satire, a n d
g a r b a g e ( m a n y in v i v i d c o l o r ) in t h i s p e r m a n e n t ADDRESS.
collection of past articles . . . " p e r m a n e n t , " in
t h a t w e have a whole " c o l l e c t i o n " of these books CITY -ZONE-
w e ' r e t r y i n g t o g e t r i d of. P l e a s e h e l p u s , h a h ?
STATE.

L~
<B Alfreds Poor AIMANAC
MAD goes on sale. UN Security Council Samson gives his final performance for
Si,
*».< Y M ^
27 in special emergency session. 0"^)f©^ 28 Philistines, brings down house, 1025 B.C.

If the moon turns a dark green tonight, it Pancho Diaz's rooster wins Mexican Cock-Fighting
29 means you forgot to take off your sunglasses. 30 title, 1943. Loser screams "Fowl play!"

Howard Johnson waitress, Lila Dutz, falls into

W R I T E R : F R A N K JACOBS
31 ice-cream freezer, creates new 29th flavor, 1959.

APRIL
SUN
April Fool's Day. Also Alfred Two cows placed in Atlas Missile become =
1 E. Neuman's Birthday. the first herd shot 'round the world, 1961. =g"fe?

Court Jester to Richard III contracts Bubonic American Elms attacked by

Plague, becomes first "Sick Comedian," 1484. ]/' White Birch Society, 1933.
HURS Judge Ferris Hamb pronounces longest sentence in
Warsaw athlete Felix Vlyx enters Pole " f o j j f f ^ s *
5 vault, steals 150,000 zlotys, 1955. « 3 i ^ . history of U.S. law—1,322 words in length, 1928.

"Man who sits on eyeglasses Kermit Feeney picks up 13 diamonds during £§\'il
makes spectacle of himself." 8 bridge game, then makes clean getaway, 1952.
TUES
Dealer sells Hannibal 24 elephants that are afraid "The more you cultivate people,
of heights, originates Planned Obsolescence, 217 B.C. 10 the more you turn up clods!"

Scientist Thurston Yancy invents 37 new uses THURS Missing Link discovered when flooded river
11 for broccoli—all of them immoral, 1926. 12 recedes from Greenbriar Golf Club, 1936.

Good day to play stock market, Sven Johanssen slaloms down wrong slope at
13 make parachute jump, get married. 14 Lake Placid and invents Water Skiing, 1908.

Panama Canal "Wife who feeds husband bad breakfast coffee f^%
15 discovered, 1867. 16 supplies him with grounds for divorce!" Ji&gff

That's ridiculous! The Panama Canal Sam Balboa discovers the Gulf Stream after leaving
17 wasn't discovered! It was built!! 18 his service station gas pump running all night, 1951.
THURS Chinese Emperor bestows special favor on Number 1 Inventor of "Roto-Rooter" drowns
19 Concubine, introduces the first Ming Coat, 457 B.C. 20 during test run in Paris Sewer, 1937.

Amalgamated Window Washers Union pickets glass- Easter Sunday. Dr. P. Wogg starts work on dyed corn
21 bottom boats at Cypress Gardens, Florida, 1948. 22 feed so chickens can lay pre-colored eggs, 1949.

Otis Smerd first man to fight his way into "Womenu "Miss America" Winner is disqualified when m£a(&
23 and Children Only" lifeboat on S.S. Titanic, 1913.$ 24 it's discovered she is a Siamese Twin, 1929. wsjyS*

Dual Anniversary: Discovery of Hudson Bay by Sir Arthur Sullivan discovers lost cord,
25 Henry Hudson, and Turhan Bey by Idiot Producer. 26 is finally able to tie up bundle, 1900.

"A man who marries a fashion expert Mozart's Minuet in " D " places 4th in
27 will end up with a designing woman!" 28 Vienna Disc-Jockey's Top-Ten Poll, 1788.

News of crack in Boulder Archimedes tells his Greek students that

29 Dam leaks to Press, 1946. 30 Geometry is as easy as " p i , " 2 5 1 , B.C.

TUES Ellsworth Vibbley successfully invents

MAY 1 "Instant Belly-Button Lint," 1955.

"A man who smokes in bed will India purchases rights to "My Fair Lady" £*>
surely make an ash of himself!" which includes Original Caste Album, 1958. //7Jru

Time Magazine editorial assistant, Mildred Chinese Boy Scout rubs two pieces of wood together-
Waxwell, fired for her Luce talk, 1948. EH doesn't start fire, but invents chopsticks, 679 B.C.

Louis Pasteur fires assistant after asking for "A Pretty 'Gold-Digger' who lives near an
test tube and getting funny retort instead, 1897. Air Force Base will often take a flier!"
TUES MAD goes off sale. Tension eases
Mickey Bitsko invents "The Coffee C*™TT\
8 Break," and is immediately fired, 1891. H A i L ^ in major capitals of world.
THE WAGERS OF SIN DEPT.

IVIAD INVESTIGATES
THE SORDID BUSINESS OF

ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: AL JAFFEE

THE GAMBLER TYPE
The characterization by movies and television have made Using this knowledge, try to pick out the rotten no-good
it easy for an ordinary person to spot a typical gambler, gambler among those below. Turn page over to check ansiver:

GAMBLER GAMBLER GAMBLER GAMBLER

Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No

jJ3iquiB8-uou Xjuo sqj si jnu IUBS s q o j j n o SUJIIJ Xi_|Bnsn j i s j j s j u n o o J.USI j q 3 n o q ijsuizBSepv a V N l. u ! B S!M'
SIllL itloA 3AIS03p S^OOI JS] Xjusqo uiBiu s q j 'ssanos noX JS^OIJ sqj JO 'puBpjj '3ui|quiE3 jou s.jBqj j | pue
J.uop o s •3uiiquiB8 SuijqSij JO <teA\ jsqjo sqj 5jooj pus oj 3(3Bq ju3S si Xsuoui jnoX — sjpunq B sdojp s q '3SO|
SBA\ s q spqM SJBSX s q j JSAO 3X3 3UO 3SOJ3 BJJOS S3|[Od jBqj 3Jns s q JSASU UBS noX sssjoq sjq J I p u s — 3[punq
dn ps[id SABq jBqj sssusdxs sqj 'XjuBqo J O J stji usqA\ ssnBOsq X|U|BUI '3uiiquiB8 JI B S3>(BUI 3q 'UjA\ S3SJOq Siq
sqj JJB j o jpnssj B SB jqsp 3snB03q — JI qjiA\ XBMB SJS8 jspisuoo 3A\ j n g s|BjidsoH JI • • • ssjnos j o i„J3iquJ B 9..
ui sjBjiop j o spuBsnoqi si UJBS 'S3JBJS JSOUI UI IB83IH qsiji 01 o 3 spsssojd s q j B qSipU3AB[3 J(^J ||BD 3JBp
A\o[i3jXjpu;5i -JQ 'SUI^JJOAV si qoiqA\ '8unquiB8 |[ljs si j[B ssnBOsq '8uqquJB8 sjqj p|tJOA\ 3UO ON XjSIOOS JSI1J0
usjpnqo puB SJIA\ siq qjiA\ siqj 'XjiBDiuqasj ' q S n o q q y JSpiSUOD OJ JUBJOnjSJ SJB -J3ddn S.B0U3UIV j o J3qui3ui
USAjJ 3JIJ Siq JO JSOUI JOJ SUOIJBZIUB3JO 3[qBjuBqo Xq 3|do3d JSOJAJ V S ' Q 311J u ! pajD3ds3j-X[q3|q B S; S H
spBStus 8uqquiB8-ijUB UEUI una sjq8iu JBBZBq 8uqquiB3 SJ32J0IJ S^BJSdSSMJJ qSIJJ JO •3upBy — „S3UI>J j o jJod$„
-suo B Suijonpuoo ussq SBq ssoqi j o jsjouiojd qojou-doj SJ3H3S [njsssssns JSOUI s q j 3qj JOJ sssjoq psjqqSnoJoqj
A\oii3jAipu!5j v ^3UP!S j a B SI JSJJBJQ (dlQ Sqj.) IUBS JO 3UO SI S33^ BJJO"I SSJIJ^ SSSIBJ HI qSipU3AB]3 O Q
 T H E A N A T O M Y OF A G A M B L E R
Recent exhaustive tests by 5 leading N. V. doctors reveal as "A's", "B's", and even "Fast-Acting Alka Seltzer" into
that the expression "Gambling is in his blood" is really the bloodstream. Then it goes on to make violent emotional
a medical fact. Gambling actually beats such good things and physiological changes in the gambler's mind and body.

DESIRE DESIRE TO GET

TO GET WHAT BELONGS
SOMETHING TO OTHERS
FOR
NOTHING DESIRE
TO AVOID
SHARP EYES WORKING
FOR FINDING
BOOKIES, AND DESIRE TO BE
SPOTTING COPS LIKE GLAMOROUS
TV STAR MAVERICK
SENSITIVE NOSE FOR
SMELLING A SURE DEAF EAR
THING TO STARVING
FAMILY'S
PLEADING
LONG NECK
FROM ALWAYS
DROOPED
STICKING
SHOULDERS
IT OUT
FROM
CARRYING
BURDEN
OF HEAVY
LOSSES

ICE CUBES

BUTTERFLIES

EXTENDED
FINGERS FOR
PUTTING THE
TOUCH ON
FRIENDS

DESIRE TO
ESCAPE
DOWN-TO-EARTH
REALITIES
 THE DEVELOPMENT OF A GAMBLER
The road to gambling may start out innocent enough. There regarded enterprises. But the gambling bug is insidious,
are many situations in everyday life where people "take a and once a person takes a chance in "good-type" gambling
chance". These are in activities that we don't ordinarily — like f'rinstance the following — he may not be able to
consider gambling. In fact, they are generally in highly- see any difference between them and "bad-type" gambling.

BINGO LIFE INSURANCE

CONK

This plain, out-and-out gambling game is usually run by a When a person buys life insurance, he is really " b e t t i n g "
non-profit organization—in hopes of making a profit. And that he is going to die. The insurance company is really
these organizations are usually dead set against gambling. giving him odds that he won't. It is interesting to note
We can't figure it out either, but it's for a good cause! that policyholder wins if he loses, grid loses if he wins.

THE STOCK MARKET PARI-MUTUEL RACING

Stock buyers hope stocks will go up, so they'll win. If Roughly translated, "Pari-Mutuel" means that betting the
stocks go down, they lose. Biggest gamble is in knowing family savings with a " B o o k i e " is very bad, but betting it
nothing about guys who run companies they buy stock in, at a race track is very good . . . mainly because the State
and even less about guys who talked them into buying it. takes a cut, and so do many other noble Public Servants.
 THE EVILS OF GAMBLING
Government officials consider gambling evil because it is But worst evil of all in the eyes of government officials
immoral, degrading, depressing, destructive, and repugnant, is: it's impossible to collect Income Taxes from gamblers!

GAMBLING DESTROYS FAMILY TOGETHERNESS

Here is a typical American M o t h e r - Here are some typical American k i d s - Here is a typical American father at
gambling at Canasta when she should gambling at Baseball Cards when they home—placing bets with a Bookie. He
be home with her husband and kiddies. should be home with mother and father. should be at track where it's legal!

GAMBLING CORRUPTS COLLEGE Y O U T H

Our colleges work hard to build winning teams. They offer But low down dirty gamblers offer college athletes huge
athletes every inducement, including free tuition, soft bribes to throw games . . . and colleges can't understand
jobs with high pay, passing grades and free room & board. where athletes learn rotten business of accepting bribes.

GAMBLING TAKES FROM THE POOR, GIVES TO RICH

Hard-working wage-earners are enticed A professional gambler knows all the B u t f o r t u n a t e l y , g a m b l e r s a r e n ' t al
into gambling away their hard-earned tricks, and hard-working wage-earners bad; They do allow a few hard-working
salaries by visions of "easy money". have small chance of seeing any profit. wage-earners like cops to make a buck.
MAD REVEALS SECRETS OF DETECTING
CROOKED GAMBLING EQUIPMENT
MARKED CARDS
NORMAL CARD MARKED CARD

Clever gamblers are adept at marking cards in ways which teeth in border design. Now look at same corner in marked
only a trained eye can detect. But they're not too clever card! Three teeth are a hundredth of an inch shorter than
to fool us. Note how normal card at left has perfect even the rest. Obviously this means it's a three of some kind!

DOCTORED DICE
NORMAL DICE DOCTORED DICE

Again, the gambler's ingenuity is applied, and again our " d o c t o r e d " dice at right have tiny tiny beveled c o r n e r s -
sharp eyes detect his subtle work. Note how "legitimate" enough to control roll. Shrewd MAD fans can easily see
dice at left have perfectly square corners, while those how gambler can throw winning "seven" almost every time.

CONTROLLED ROULETTE W H E E L
NORMAL WHEEL CONTROLLED WHEEL

The most difficult feat of all is spotting a "Controlled" is perfectly level. Now check table under " C o n t r o l l e d "
roulette wheel. But with these invaluable MAD hints, it wheel.See? It's not level! It's nearly 2/3 of one-thousandth
should be simple. Note how table under " N o r m a l " wheel of a centimeter off! Hah! Easy when you know this, isn't it?
WORLD LEADERS CONCERNED OVER GROWING
NUMBERS OF PEOPLE VICTIMIZED BY GAMBLING
Basically, gambling is an unsavory, sleazy, depressing business. Notice how true this is in our photo of
an internationally famous gambling den. Notice the shabby, degrading atmosphere. Notice the unhappiness.
Notice the desperation. Notice the worried look on the faces of World Leaders concerned with the growing
numbers of people being attracted to this sordid business. Notice also they are concerned mainly because
if people keep being attracted, there won't be room for World Leaders to get to the tables to place bets.

IN CONCLUSION...
A word of caution to MAD readers: If you have never gambled, consider yourself fortunate! Try at all
costs to keep it that way! One mis-step could lead to "Gambling Fever", which in turn could mean your
ruination! We're so certain of this, we're willing to bet you 10 to 1 it's true! Do we have any takers?
PADDING AND PENCIL DEPT.
It's "Exam" time again, the time when they ask you all those questions you didn't study for, and don't know the answers
to. But that won't stop you, will it? Nah! You'll go ahead and fill in the answers anyway—even though you don't really
know what you're talking about, thus indulging in that great scholastic art: "Throwing the bull". This art consists of
writing the longest answer possible about a subject, even though it has nothing to do with the question involved, hoping
that the teacher will be impressed. Undoubtedly, many of you MAD readers have perfected this art (We know MAD writers
have!), but you may be surprised to learn that this practice has not been limited to clods like us. Mainly, just about
everybody did it when he was in school. In fact, here are some examples which reveal that even "Famous Celebrities"
have "Thrown the b u l l " . . . each in his own distinctive style. So let us look at a typical exam, and compare it t o . . .

FAMOUS TEST PAPERS

WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN ARTIST: BOB CLARKE

HERE IS A IT'S A SIMPLE

STANDARD ENOUGH QUESTION,
QUESTION I. Henry Hudson AND ALL THAT
THAT HAS (a)
(b)
Who was Henry Hudson?
What was the name of his ship?
THE TEACHER "Tki M f THoovu
BEEN ASKED (c) What were Hudson's two most EXPECTS ARE
ON AMERICAN significant contributions? ONE-SENTENCE
HISTORY d) What obstacles did he ANSWERS THAT
encounter in 1609 and 1611?
EXAMS FOR e) List the 4 great geographical ARE DIRECT AND
THE PAST landmarks that bear his name. TO THE P O I N T -
50 YEARS LIKE THESE

You ask who Henry Hudson was. Well, let me begin by

THAT'S WHAT THE saying that Henry Hudson was a very interesting and impor-
TEACHER EXPECTS tant man—perhaps one of the most interesting men of his
. . . BUT THAT'S century. He was one of the most important figures sailing
the seas in that era—a "legend in his own time". He had
HARDLY WHAT SHE many adventures. Perhaps his most interesting adventure
GETS! HERE IS A was the time he and his band of dwarfs were bowling in the
Catskill Mountains when suddenly, from out of nowhere, Rip
TYPICAL TEST Van Winkle appeared upon the scene. While Rip bowled with WELL, THAT'S
PAPER THAT WAS them, Hudson and his men filled him with beer. And that's THE KIND OF
when Rip went to sleep for twenty years. Quite a guy,
RECENTLY HANDED that Hudson! "BULL" THEY
IN BY A TYPICAL Hudson encountered many obstacles, but he overcame ARE HANDING
STUDENT WHO DID them, and went on to make significant contributions to IN TODAY!
whatever he was doing. And he had 4 great geographical
NOT KNOW ANY OF landmarks named after him. And he is renowned throughout BUT IF YOU
THE ANSWERS, BUT history. And I am fast WILL TURN
THOUGHT HE COULD THE PAGE,
PUT IT OVER ON YOU'LL SEE
THE TEACHER BY THE KIND OF
"THROWING IT!" "BULL" THEY
JUST LOOK AT WERE HANDING
THIS MESS! IN YESTERDAY!

n
 d i t t o ^ &a£uft Z ^ @ L r ^ J L £

Who was Henry Hudson? We can best determine that by

There is no doubt that Henry Hudson merits the analyzing his name: HEN-RY HUD-SON. By breaking it
down into its most simplified word form, we can clearly
understand the meaning of the man and what he stood for.
His name has a rhythmic, rippling meter to it—which
suggests waves. And from the waves-we can derive the
word "ocean". Thus, Henry Hudson was an explorer of
oceans, and a mighty good one at that. His talent was
phenomenal. Why was he an explorer? What made him an out-
standing explorer—and not a musician or a composer or a
violin maker? If we break down the word "explorer" pho-
netically, we have EX-PLORE-RER. Each syllable rings
with genius, surges with heroic stature, and throbs with
the theme of discovery. And right about now, you're making
the discovery that I don't know very much about Henry
Hudson. Well, I guess I'll have to face the music, and • • •
^ ^ o r ^ ^ o u t ' s o S a s to repeat the question*

It behooves me to come before you on this grand

and glorious occasion-my final exam . • ^ 4 ^ s c u s s
with you a man who truly ranks \ v i ^ W ' ^ W • m ' ' ' ' ' '
talsof all time . . . a man w l ] f l , W l i f ! i * | , ' l s !
and west, north and south ?, , , ' r a v e , s east and west, north and s u u t \ | | o I i ' in his accom-
plishments . . • M T f e r f l y m ^ e r c a m e the gravest of hard-
ships in tJH-4M%f)()»?!. . a man who, despite many
0 S y Q k % % f r y ^ l w o significant contributions- both
^ y S t ! e : S -
J £ j £ « certainly r n u s ^ b " ^
S ^ ^
« » * " * an
fdKOWycharities, I'm sure. And on an explorer's

My heart goes out to t h i s Z l * , ! f g r e a t O r i f i c e .

1
d.scuss him, a tear com e f 7o L P ° r e r - £ v e n n o w < as
^ m ° n 0 d e " - * K m^upTerS S * ^
 It's not fair. I was absent the day this subject was
When I saw this ridiculous question, I was so disgusted reviewed, and I didn't know it was going to be asked
that I was tempted to skip it entirely and go on to the on this exam.
next one. Explorers, to me, are absolutely useless. I mean, I'm being honest. Lord knows, I've tried. I've tried
nothing could bore me more. I couldn't care less. They my best. But I've had it harder than the other students
serve no useful function except to be insulted by frustrated
all term long. Teachers keep picking on me. I've got very
Queens. Hudson, however, is one explorer I am half-way
little time to study. My inkwell jams. Everything works
interested in, because my Great-Grandfather knew him inti-
mately. I happen to be familiar with every sordid detail of against me. I've spent 2V2 years here, and I've worked
Hudson's life. This one story will reveal how pitifully hard. I've tried to make it. But I don't feel comfortable.
- other explorers compare to Hudson, especially that absurd It just hasn't worked out. I've thought it all over
Columbus, who has been vastly overrated. very carefully, and I've come to the conclusion that
there must be a better way to spend my adolescent years.
When Hudson set out in 1609, the crew he had selected So I'm going to get up, and leave this classroom, and
was unbelievably wretched, the food was abominable, the never come back. No, don't try to stop me. I've made up
ship was an atrocity, and I have run out of cynical and my mind. It won't do any good .. .
insulting adjectives.. .

-<^M

•John F v~
Ame Y
^can H i s .
''•'•Story j

^-^^^Uiuason

Who was Henry Hudson? That's a good question. I'm

glad you asked it. We, as Americans, should appreciate
being given the opportunity to answer such a question.
The subject of Henry Hudson has always been important
to me. Why, just the other day, as 1 was delivering
orders after school in order to support myself and
help out my family, I asked myself that very question.
I often think about Hudson while delivering orders.
1 have to think about him while I work, because I have
no time to study about him at home like other students.
Americans must never forget the contributions
Hudson made. In many ways, he served as a model for us,
because he struggled to meet obstacles—like having to
work after school to make ends meet, and not having
time to study for final exams like more fortunate
students. This is the very spirit of America. Because l
Hudson struggled as we are struggling . . . and over- ^/jjLjg^^^ °f me.
came these obstacles as we, with a little help, will
overcome o u r s . . .
 BITTER-PATTER DEPT.
Mark Twain once said: "Everybody talks
about the weather, but nobody does any-
thing about it!" Well, Mark Twain was
wrong! People are doing things about the
weather every day . . . namely, ridiculous
things. Witness the following examples—
in this next article which explores... u£=&
~7~~' \ , '

Those Indian Rainmakers Yeah? Did This morning, I watered the It works
have nothing on me! I can you make lawn, washed the car, put on every
make it rain any time I this rain? my new suit, and forgot to time!
want to! take along an umbrella . . . 3
Mj5i Si

M8u:
-.UMOPOQ papaau aqs ajojsq gQJINOW NA1IHVW 1 W .
BSD GO
WRITER & ARTIST: DAVID BERG

f~"^\

Y$$
^sZ- (

CN/^S^
^sKfe
\&
^ \
\ \ \

•*We knew GLORIA GRAHAM when she was still a cute Cookie.

I love it when it rains. I love What's the It means the kids

to hear the pitter-patter of the I hate it
matter? Don't will be playing in
raindrops on the roof, and see when it
you love it the house all day!
it running in little rivulets rains!
when it rains?
down the window panes, and . .

•
Good! I was worried that you
didn't have sense enough to put
on your raincoat and boots!

>%t)k

~T2?
'MW
_ 4
L4*
 Milton! There's someone But I left my robe
1 can't! I'm in the bathroom
at the front door—and
in the shower!
I'm not dressed! there with you!!
Answer i t . . . \
§/M

71
I
t
i
. i'

It was a long wait, but

it was worth it! I got
through the rain without
getting my new dress wet!

arxr*r-^pr

Co i r '-'

3Li_L£li£
 Hi, Mom! It started to pour so I ducked
in out of the rain—and where do you
think it was? The movie theatre! So as
long as I'm waiting for it to stop,
can I seethe picture . . . ?

Selma! I can't find my We left them at Sidney's Then whose rubbers and Sidney's and Irma's!
rubbers—or your boots— and Irma's house . . . boots and umbrella They left them at
or the umbrella!! are these . . .? our house!

" W e knew JACK LEMMON when he wos a Little Squirt,

Did you say I STILL can't hear

something? you! You'll have to
speak LOUDER!
-7^

Don't tell me about what a tough day

you had at the office! I've been washing
and hanging clothes out to dry all day!
I'm so pooped, there's nothing in the
world that can get me out of this chair!
 JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I

When Fidel (the man with the sword) ordered Antonio Prohias (the
man with the pen) arrested for his anti-Castro cartoons, the Cuban
artist fled to the U.S., where he now graces MAD's pages with.. .

18
•J866[J_L eqi uo ipmb SOM 34 uai)M Sa3008 AOH M 3 U 1 8
M.
BETTER READ THAN DREAD DEPT.
There's been some controversy lately as to whether the study of Communism should
be included in our school curriculums. A lot of people seem to be afraid of the
idea. Well, by George, we're not! Working under the assumption that knowledge is
power, we all could get a heck of a lot stronger than the Reds merely by taking
a good, long, honest look at them — just for laughs. Like f'rinstance in . . .
ARTIST: JOE ORLANDO WRITER: PHIL HAHN
 0-
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over subjec
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22
ROBIN HOOP-WINKED DEPT. •
PRESENTING . . . A SPECIAL " M A D " VERSION OF THOSE FAMILIAR TALES OF
"ROBIN HOOD AND HIS MERRY MEN" BY THAT OLD BANDIT FROM WAY BACK—
 M8U a
-6u!||!M P"o Aposj) SDM ai{ uaijM i j g v a g n v / A 1 M.

nee upon
a time,
# a band
of Merry Men
lived deep in
Sherwood Forest.
They were all
hale and hearty
fellows — who
always enjoyed
a rousing good
song...
0mm* he leader
7 £ of this
^ ^ band of
Merry Men was
a dashing rogue
named Robin Hood
... who was by
far the best
bowman in all
Nottingham...
 * ^ obin Hood fiffiw v
4j4 and his v**
lAlftW'•W^rv-
iM">«
^™ Merry Men
were ingenious 4b "*
in the methods V,
they devised to
send lightning- /v
fast messages ti^Jks
across miles of
dense overgrowth
to their hide-out ,
deep in Sherwood
Forest... •A NM/H_ kZ-

-~~xr
v
' ^ m is
C(t

JI
S^^H
"5fc

• %
Hello, Sam-
Put Robin
Hood on!

£* f

26 Z_I
- - — • — -—--_:-<>->^~—. ; ~ -
 dn 6U!^OOT uo6aq s6umi 8jo|9q SNMOQ HOflH « 8 q 8 M .

nother
method
of quick
communication
was the horn.
Often, even
a single note
of the horn
would bring
instant
action...
tvj* obin Hood
MI was well
>^% loved by
the simple folk
and despised by
the nobility —
because it was
known throughout
the countryside
that what he stole
from the rich he
gave to the poor...
 P
' robably ~W!{<J)
MSti
Stand ye back,
varlet...and
"^v^
the most let the better
man pass"
famous
of the tales of
<c
Robin Hood and sn
his Merry Men"
is the one in
which Robin Hood
first encounters V
Little John...
on a narrow foot
bridge...
VfcOany
" ""•^ww^
V
7T

3
r^W-
fr' J
M\
-ML %
SS
T\rj) '<i,u-'
v«8ffl
V
5>v •TTH^ Y^

&sY

i /

-•^'

128
 hen there was the TflY o w e v e r ' So I've got a noose around my

at time Robin Hood

won the King's
private archery match in
*ff\ every
^ * now and
then, one or
neck! Do you think I'm worried?
Why, in the nick of time, one
of the Merry Men will split the
[ rope with an arrow, and I'll be
free again... ho-hum...

one of his clever disguises Robin Hood s

Merry Men was
captured, and
sentenced to
death on the
gallows...

^TT-*^ Now, Little

s
r i ' i •—=»

fa
 CHAIRMAN OF THE BROAD DEPT.

Here we go again with our fictionalized version of things

we'd probably find if we were to examine the contents of

CEUEIIIT IIS" l i l i i l S ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

< <r n.\ at c t untile t

SCHEDULE OF SUMMIT MEETINGS THIS SEASON
-rdtn^s TO -Boy 7 3 ^ 4 /
We will all get together, and run up on
stage to do our act, interrupting the
following performances:
EDDIE FISHER at THE SANDS in LAS VEGAS
SOPHIE TUCKER at THE FONTAINEBLEAU in MIAMI t^^tTZe-'
VAN CLIBURN at CARNEGIE HALL in NEW YORK
BILLY GRAHAM at THE COLISEUM in L.A.
SAMMY CAHN'S NEPHEW'S BAR-MITZVAH
THE 87th SESSION OF CONGRESS •7&Q GcJ£ JEHfEEJ '%fyfa*^'

nm» •—

THE W H I T E HOUSE
Washington. D.C.

J. O. U.
BLUE CROSS HOSPITALIZATION PLAN
Los Angeles, California
380, OOO VOTES
A Non-Profit (after huge administrative salaries) Medical Plan

Mr. Frank Sinatra

"The Pad on the Hill"
Coldwater Canyon Drive
Hollywood 134,
California

We have received your request and we TRAFFIC VIOLATION SUMMONS

appreciate your interest. However, we can
not insure the individuals you have listed CITY OF LOS ANGELES
under a "Group Rate." DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES
If you and your organization members
desire Hospitalization Insurance, they MODEL CAR: Dual (jkU.
will have to become associated with an
established corporation in order to
qualify for any "Group Plan." LICENSE NO: 3-.S.5H-
They cannot, however, join as members VIOLATION:
of "The Clan."

Sincerely yours, PLACE: O/tXoh Uo?lljUV4JxU^

FINE:

Herman Gooberduck
Your Local Blue Cross Representative OFFICIATING OFFICER:

30
 SU,t
Westwood, Califom.a

To Whom I t May C o n c e r n : -

Fpb 17th, 1962, the

This is to cert
night of your » « £ " - . Although best interest
to bed under my orders. ^ ^ the
and not
and P l e a d e ? l h \ n a t he remain there,
" ° f h l S fder any circumstances,
leave under any
Sincerely yours,

y^o^i^Q^^^-
G e l s t o n , M.D.
Morris

-^J%U&£ ^ r - / ^ ^ "
SELECTIVE SERVICE SYSTEM
^ %, NOTICE OF CLASSIFICATION
The Hack Daniels Distilling £orp. FRANCIS ALBERT SINATRA
SPECIAL 10% DISCOUNT CARD (First Name) (I.asl Name I

This special 1 0 % discount is limited to quantity | | Selective Service No. p^l| 19 \ | 2 7 11 696~ has
users of Jack Daniels Tennessee Sour Mash Whiskey. 4-F
a been classified in Class ..
It is presented to Restaurants, Liquor Stores and
Hotels w h o have purchased more than two thousand
five hundred gallons during the past fiscal year.
Dec. 10, 1943 TTUe^JCrtl£d
clerk of local board)
The law requires you, subject to heavy penalty for violation, to carry
10% Discount is Authorized to: this notice, in addition to your Registration Certificate, on your person at
all times—to exhibit it upon request to authorized officials—to surrender it
to your commanding officer upon entering the armed forces.
The law also requires you to notify your local board in writing of every
change ( 1 ) in your address, ( 2 ) in your physical condition, and ( 3 ) in
FILL IN NAME OF QUANTITY USEE your occupational, marital, family, dependency, and military status.

tf FOR ADVICE, SEE YOUR GOVERNMENT APPEAL AGENT.

SSSFormNo. 110
 UP FOR ADAPTION DEPT.
History will one day note that the greatest contradiction of our age was the fantastic raee to pre-
pare man for those alien conditions of space which could destroy him, while paying no attention to
those alien conditions on Earth which were doing the very same thing. The fact is, pure and simple,
that the human body cannot long endure our new scientifically-advanced way of life without suffering

*/L2LjyS -JO
FUTURE PHYSIC
BOWLER'S DROOPITIS CYCLOPS EYE-ITIS

A common occupational disease of the constant bowler, in

which one arm begins to hang noticeably longer than the An extreme condition in which thumbs and forefingers are
other. Nothing can be done for this condition, except to flattened by a highly-tense, nervous method of gripping
start bowling with the other arm until both arms are of coins in a neurotic, rebellious and unrealistic attitude
equal length—then take up ping-pong. You'll be a champ! toward parking meters, turnstiles, and other coin devices.
some physical effects. Already this new age is taking its toll. Witness the recent medical reports
of "TV Legs"-caused by the lack of circulation in the lower extremities resulting from prolonged
daily watching of TV while sitting in chairs. Other, more serious conditions are sure to arise, and
—if we all live and be well—we may someday be seeing the following . . . as fully reported in . . .

TJR,2SLZL.:L, O F A R T I S T : BOB C L A R K E
W R I T E R : HOWARD SCHNEIDER

STUDENTS NECK ANVIL NOSE

This disease
is b e c o m i n g
more and more
p r e v a l e n t in
our m o d e r n
s o c i e t y , and
is t h e d i r e c t
r e s u l t of t h e
increased use
of a l l - g l a s s ,
electric-eye
doors in new
buildings —
that don't
always work!

HAPPY PILLITIS

This condition arises in students assigned to do o

book reports who, quite naturally, search library Ul
shelves for the thinnest books possible. However,
thin books all have titles printed sideways along z
•-
the edge.This means long hours of searching with z
the head tilted to one side. The large amount of UJ
Q
cases of "Students Neck" reported indicates the
need for fatter book reports. This disease is not The progressive softening of the facial features and the
to be confused with a recent report entitled... virtual disappearance of the bony structure of the head,
caused by the frequent and improper use of tranquilizers.
L J
 SUBWAY CAR-CINOMA OF THE ELBOW MIAMI SQUINT

The abnormal
development of
this painful
elbow callous
is a r e s u l t of
m a n y years of
i n f i g h t i n g in
subway cars and
crowded busses.
Note close-up
photo of elbow:

In s o m e cases
this callous
f o r m s on the
knee, in which
case, patient
should really
b e locked up
— for f i g h t i n g
dirty! Overexposure to an excessive amount of platinum blondes
reflecting brilliant sunlight at winter resorts can lead
to this rare disease... a form of tropical snowblindness.

HIGHBALL LIP ACUTE DECIBELITIS

Severe changes in the bony structure of the head caused by

Advanced distortion of the upper lip caused by excessive frequent attacks of clearer, louder and sharper "High
drinking at cocktail parties and social gatherings. The Fidelity" systems, resulting in a sort of "Stereophonic Bludg-
constant slamming of highball ice cubes against the upper eoning". Condition can be checked by placing "Hi-Fi"
lip causes large formations of scar tissue and callouses. speakers directly above and below misshapen music lover.

34
" W e knew JUDY HOLLIDAY before she was Celebrated.
 UNDERARM WILDLIFE ENLARGED DENTURE BREADTH

Vigorous and continuous application of various deodorants

rolled-on, poured-on, rubbed-on and sprayed-on cultivates
large varieties of wildlife in that naturally-moist area.

STUFFED DERMATITIS

The consistent daily routine of logging long hours before This frightening disease is caused by consistent holding
the TV set in a chair can, over the years, result in this of transistor radio to only one side of head. As a result,
condition. Circulation to legs is curtailed, and finally the ear starts to grow until it engulfs the radio. This
by-passed altogether. The rest of the body gets more than condition is desired by most transistor radio fans, since
its share, which brings on this "Jelly Apple on a Stick" it eventually leaves both hands free. However, there is a
appearance. It is suggested that sufferers develop habit danger involved if this condition is allowed to persist —
of stomping around room during the commercials. A better mainly, once it has engulfed and digested the radio, the
suggestion is to develop habit of stomping television set. ear will now devour anything it can reach! Like the head!
 ARTIFICIAL DISSEMINATION DEPT.
Every once in a while, we get to wondering just what
kind of thinking goes into the creation of some of
the absurd product-names that are advertised today.
Namely, what these names they've come up with have
to do with the purpose of the product beats us! So
we've dreamed up our own MAD version of 5 Madison
Avenue "Brain-Storming Sessions" which resulted in—

THE BIRTH OF A
THE HOUSEHOLD CLEANSER

Gentlemen, our client has come up with a new I like "Mr. Hold it! Hold it! This is getting
household product designed to clean out sinks, Spotless"! us nowhere! What we need is a fresh
tile, porcelain, and mainly the consumer's point of view! Smedley—ask that
pocketbook! We've got to think of a catchy window washer to come inside . . .
name for it! Something new and different!

THE UNDERARM DEODORANT

Men—we've got to create a brilliant name Sounds 1 Here it come; ! 1 Coff-Coff . . . 1

for our client's new spray deodorant. . . like a 1 No, shout ou 1 What do you I
so I've decided to try something different great 1 your immedia think of
this time. Namely, we're going to stay in idea, impressions- e l "Misty"?
this sealed room, inhaling its fragrance, T.B.! L
in hopes that it will inspire us . . . k i

at'
h£& °^2JpC'iiLXBPa i&
" >y
r M l \~£i

js
fcOt
i*
" V
j
Wm
M 4 ~^ _ r
wS)i*
>r
RAND NAME
A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I DGE WRITER: WALTER FARLEY

When I opened the

window, I knocked
him off the ledge!
H-he'sfalling. . .
Straight down . . .
Boy, look at him
travel! Just like
a . . . like a . . .

M S
•AAOIS 3J3M S6U|HI uai(M isvd a a V M O H 8"1 M.

&v tueiiCsUAWv

37
 THE HAND SOAP
Men, our client has spared no expense to
bring us here, in hopes we might come up
with a name for his new soap which will
express the clear, clean, sweet-smelling
atmosphere of this tropical island . . .

THE BOURBON WHISKEY

T H E NATIONAL M A G A Z I N E
"Palm- Sir—not to Perkins! I get the distinct S i r . . . I get the distinct
Onion"? change the impression that you're not impression that we better
subject, but with us completely in this forget this brainstorming
I have looked brainstorming session! Just session before it's too
"Palm-
around and— what's bothering You? late! Mainly because that
Cherry"?
volcano there is about to
erupt all over this clean,
clear, sweet-smelling
tropical island, covering
us all with .

•siua3 AUD apow 84s ajojaq SIOHDIN VHVaava Maui S M .

 DAMES AND DOZE DEPT.

There's an old adage which says: "In the Spring, a

young man's fancy lightly turns to thoughts of what
he's been thinking about all Winter... Love!" Well,
we figure this goes for older men, too! Except that
an older man is usually "set" in his way, and when
his fancy lightly turns to thoughts of love . . . it's
usually a pretty personal fancy. In other words, it
reflects his own standards of beauty. You will see
what we mean when you examine this portfolio of

DREAM 6
TRtMKM BROS.
COMPLAINT DEPt.
ARTIST: JACK RICKARD WRITER: DON REILLY

IRLS
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II
Here's another installment of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and
the man in white, both dedicated to the "cause" . . . of outwitting each other as —
 COPS AND RODGERS DEPT.
For a long time now, we've been wondering why Broadway doesn't do a musical dealing with the Prohi-
bition Era in Chicago, when racketeers ran wild, and people were killed every day. The reason we've
been wondering about this is not because it's such a hot idea, but because we got this parody of
"South Pacific" kicking around-and it's our sneaky way of palming it off on you. So here goes with

SCUTti C H I C A S C A R T I S T : MORT DRUCKER W R I T E R : F R A N K JACOBS

ACT I, SCENE I: The gangster hideout of "Southside Looey"—during the "Roaring 70's"
"L-u-
Southside Looey is duh town's top hood! He makes a bundle pushin' bootleg rye! Southside Looey lives off crime and graft!
Southside Looey is duh town's top hood! He makes a bundle pushin' bootleg rye! Southside Looey lives off crime and graft!
He kills people like a top hood should; He takes us with him to make sure they buy; He talks tougher even than George Raft;
So don't get in his way! So don't get in his way! So don't get in his way!

" W e knew EDDIE FISHER before he mode his Big Catch.

We got sumpin' For me? A Okay, Charlie! If No dice, Looey!

else for you, present? I yuh wanna keep on Northside Charlie
Boss! Duh gang can't wait livin', den start never squealed on
all chipped in t' see what talkin'.. . ! nobody...an'you
for dis present! yuh got me! can't make me!!
Oh, yeah! * Better talk : Talk about your hooch! |=l Better talk i! Stop
Stop it! Please! Stop it!ttlll
I
Tell him, Or else we'll make you talk! Scotch an' rye an' gin! Or else we'll make you talk! nd it!
I can't stand II|
boys! Talk about all de jobs you done! Who you get it from, Talkirt' is what we all adore!
If you refuse to squeal— We hope your answer's "Yes!"
J" I
you rotten slob!
A If we don't hear your spiel- Talk about the cops! So, pretty please, confess! Stop what? We ain't
Then with you we'l Or else you'll never have even begun to woik
How they move right i n - you over y e t . . . !
have a little fun! Just before we start to talk no more!

Aw, c'mon, Charlie! Why, ain'tcha heard, Looey? Dat's a lie! Dat's a
ACT I, SCENE II:
Tell us how duh cops It's all over town! Your rotten stinkin' lie! A small park on the edge of the city
always get wind of moll, Flossie, has been Why Flossie wouldn't
nestlin' up to Lt. Farfel two-time me!
' TtlW'* tRrix-
our plans! After I don't care if you
all, we did say of duh Rackets Squad!
a r e a cop! I'm nuts
"pretty please"!
about you, an' this
is my one big chance
to find happiness!

EH 've been used

Like a boarding-house
I've been tossed
Like a sackful of sugar;
I am tired and sick
Of just being a chick
It won't work,
Flossie! I'm a cop
Why wouldn't it
work? Why can't
washrag; Whirled around Of some slick racketeer!
who's spent his you give it a
Slung around Like an old airplane prop! I don't want just a guy
life hunting down chance? Why do
Like an old kitchen mop! Now I am warm Who is bootlegging rye
vicious, detestable you talk like
No more a doll For a blue uniform! While I cry in my beer!
criminals! Your're a that? Why don't
Who is some gangster's moll! have found me a I i
gangster's moll! you sing your
I have found me a clean-living cop! am flipping Our backgrounds are big number and
clean-living cop!
Like freshly-caught herring! worlds apart. It explain it to me
~^ n 'm bubbling over
Like warm soda pop!
would never work! already?

Let me explain
Why I'm going insane:
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love, I'm in love,
I'm in love with a
clean-living cop!

t h e t u n c of Wonderful C^uy"
 ACT II, SCENE I:
Okay, X I had to be taught I had to be taught I had to be taught
it's To stamp out crime! That thugs aren't nice! That crime doesn't pay! That night, in Sidney's Speakeasy
this To hate every crook That hoodlums and punks To lay down the law,
way: Who ever did time! Must pay the price! And not shy away!
had to be taught I once plugged my brother I once turned my mother
That they're filthy as slime! For jay-walking twice! In to the DA!
I had to be carefully taught! I had to be carefully taught! For thinking a criminal thought!
had to be carefully taught!
 ACT II, SCENE II:
* A hunderd an' one Whenever a slob U Dis heater is really sumpin'!
Back at Southside Looey's hideout Slugs o' fun! n From some mob An' when I start in pumpin',
Dat's my trusty Tommy Gun! Needs a perforation j o b - I'll see dose pugs
Whuddawe gonna Wanna use my Tommy Gun tonight! use Tommy, an' I feel all right! Catchin' slugs-
If yuh ask me,
do, Boss? Slumpin' an' thumpin'!
Boss, I say we
Northside should rub 'em Whenever some rat
Charlie's mob's all out! Starts to chat-
got Flossie!
Tommy answers "Rat-tat-tat!"
When I hear there's a job t' be done,
You can bet I'll have some fun
With Tommy Gun!

IT
Naw! Dis ain't no Ah' I f i n k * We got Tommy Guns dat fire We got telescopic rifles We can take 'em for a ride!
time for fun and I got it! Ninety bullets at a clip! Dat we hardly gotta aim! We can let go with a blast!
games! A situation Yeah! We We got blackjacks an' brass knuckles But now an' den . . . We can dump 'em in duh river
like dis requires woik a An' a shotgun dat's a pip! We try a frame! With cement so dey'll sink fast!
somethin' special! "frame"!

I have made a careful There is nuthin' like a frame! What I got it all woiked out! First, we let
and lengthy study! Nuthin' in the woild! kinda Northside Charlie go free, first makin'
Murder's good except it There is nuthin' you can name frame sure dat he swears by duh Criminal's Code
gets the place all bloody! Dat will finish 'em like a frame!
b. you
plannin',
of Honor t' bump off Flossie—who is, as
we know, a two-timing "cop-lover"! But at
Boss? de same time, we tip off Lt. Farfel dat
Charlie is p l a n n i n ' t ' bump off Flossie!
In dis way, Farfel takes care of Charlie
an' his gang, an' we ain't got no murder
rap on our hands! Now, untie Charlie,
bring him here, an' lemme alone with him!
 What makes you Up with your On what grounds? I
t'ink I wanna hands, Charlie! got a permit to
bump you off, You're under carry a gun! An'
Charlie! arrest! by duh way—how'd
Actually, I you manage to bust
got a pleasant in here at duh
surprise for exact critical
you moment?
\

X'

How do you He's dead, Yes, Flossie! What about

Just one, copper! Mainly
feel, Looey? isn't he? But that's how me, copper?
dat I am unable, because
Any last most crooks
of duh two slugs in my gut,
regrets . . . ? f deliver my big solo number, end up!
"Some Explosive Evening",
which is sung t' duh tune of
"Some Enchanted Evening"!

' W e knew JULIE LONDON when she was still in a Fog.

 Mau
UMOd 01 Buii|jOU poq ai\ uaqM j o H S I f l A30f 1 3M..
BERLIN AIRLIFT DEPT.

THE BIG BAD WALL

A R T I S T : W A L L A C E WOOD
 NO LONGER A FARCE IN THE CROWD! (Mainly, the crowd here at MAD!)

NOW...

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MARTIN
STEPS
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steps out on his own with this
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published Don Martin cartoons.

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 He thought he would rest in peace.. .in place...

When Joseph Stalin closed his eyes If it could happen to a big shot like Joseph Stalin over
for the last time, he died with there in the U.S.S.R., it could happen to a little schnook
the satisfaction of knowing that like you over here.
he would be laid to rest
Here in America, progress is measured by other things: the
beside his old revolutionist buddy,
population explosion—cities and towns spreading out over
Nikolai Lenin, in that beautiful
the countryside—new super-highways cutting through the
tomb in Red Square under the
land—huge jet ports thundering into existence . . . each
shadow of the Kremlin. pouring their concrete over parks and playgrounds and
And there was no reason for old Joe gardens and farms and fields and yes—even cemeteries!
UKM^ft.GnuM"*- t o t h i n k t h a t h i s r e s t w o u l d nQt b e

eternal and undisturbed. Except that he forgot one thing. W h e n you pass on, can you be assured that some super-
A little thing called "Progress". highway or jet port or housing development won't catch up
with you . . . and eject you from your final resting place
"Progress" in the U.S.S.R. is measured by strange things:
to make room for "Progress" ?
a quick switch in doctrine—a sudden change in esteem—
a hurried re-writing of history books.

When Joe Stalin became a "better Red when dead", he never tetu
figured that "Progress" would catch up with him and eject I °/U T BURIAL INSURANCE
him from his final resting place. POLICY, CONNECTICUT